The offspring of Hell and Heaven, she doesn't know her history and nopony can tell her.
She's been disturbed since her second Birthday. The day she became a mare. Is it Nightmare Moon's fault? This filly was found on the outskirts of Ponyville during Nightmare's return. Is the destruction of Equestria now guided by this unknown filly?
Her dreams are getting wildly out of hoof and she won't tell anypony. They aren't nightmares anymore., they are pulling her in. In an attempt to flee, she finds her power, through a dream and a pony.
Unable to bear the destruction she is, has and will cause, and the blackening of her heart she flees Ponyville. Blood is spilt, hearts are stolen, minds are controlled, oaths are taken and friendships are broken. Its not her fault that her dreams are becoming real but can she deny her current role and inheritance?
A/N: I am planing on making sequals to this so the sirst book is called Blood / SoulBound, which ever you prefer of the series Kure. It was originally Demons, than Killing Angel. I had no idea what to call it. I hope you like it though,. this is my first fanfic so let me know for updates and stuff. THANKS!! 
In the description.
- Heaven
- For small numbers just type it out. So "Second"
- Unless you are talking about NNM then this should be "Is it a nightmare?" otherwise reword it. As it is, it sounds like broken English.
- found
- during
- forgot a comma after minds.
Unless you're talking about the idea of friendship then it should be "friendships are broken"
You made a big description. This can be good or bad. This seems like somewhat too much info. Your giving away later points of the story to the point that a reader could skip chapters since they know what would happen.
I'll take a look at the rest and give you suggestions.
YBG Out -
(for now)
Ready for round two?
Here we go!
- K for this we already know why her mane is flying around so you don't have to explain it to us.
&
- K I see this too often. You can use "Come" they sound no different and you can avoid snickering teens laughing about the word "Cum" for "Cum'n" "comin'" works except later where you can just use come in.
- You can get rid of the "but" cause we get it.
- K i can understand. Lisp. But it was almost too much. had to re-read to understand it.
- Leveled
- Like military? or what? Do you mean something more like status? If so use more appropriate wording.
- kinda redundant. If there is a fire then obviously it's what is giving off the heat. flames are a part of fire. Therefore why it was redundant
- You never mentioned that it was an actual storm. You could probably play the storm bit up at the beginning and give the start a little more oomph
The names. You are quite possibly going to get quite a bit of hell (no pun intended) for the names.
K so...How old is Hell? She's hanging around a bunch of fillies. is she a filly? Through reading all of this chapter I had no clue. again something you could work with on the beginning bit.
As I have said. The start left me wanting. It didn't really have an impact at all. You could work a description of Hell and the storm together to make a much better start.
I'll be back.
YBG Out -
Round three is a go!
- in front
more like a reccomendation. it sounds much better as "Rays of sunshine"
- shoo you mean
- even
- beat and battered or beaten and battered
- this depends on how you want people to read it. If you want it to be read like "Cuh-shi" then do this "C'shi"
- A3? I dun get either what it is or why it should matter. Just saying.
- from the shoulders
- looked up the stairs
- honestly untill you mention the cat later I didn't really understand why she said this. try to make the whole licking and hissing bit from the dream tell a little more
- ...She's two...right? It's just that it seems a little advanced for a two year old to know.
- K this seems odd. You coulda said "Hell slung (oh by the way that was a misspelled word. Slung not sung.) around, still unnerved even if she knew it was only Cleo" also you forgot to capitalize the sentence after this one.
- this sentence is entirely unnessicary. you basically the same thing in a better way in the next sentenece. also typing sound effects never really looks too good.
- This one was a weird line. honestly. It was pretty out of place. i mean she was sitting there thinking about how she had no memories and was a freak and boom bonding moment. also maybe "Mares we are now. Have a happy marehood." that seems better but I would still recommend rewording that bit itself.
- was the storm still going or something? i mean she was pretty worried about how her guardian would react and then she's there for several days?
DDs lisp was much more bearable this time around. Very nice. although there were some spots where you forgot her lisp.
When any dialoug takes place in the mind try to italisize it. makes it easier to read.
You tell us that Cleo is an Earth Pony kinda late. Shoulda mentioned their races in the first chapter. It makes visualisation much easier that way.
So...whose birthday is it? the dream talked about it being Dizzys but then Cleo Hugs hell. Confusion is caused by this.
also about the whole upstairs toom thing. Why explain it? you could use it for a later chapter. maybe a little filler bit of trying to find something to do on one of the boring days? also if it was invisible and compressed unless you were in it doesn't fully make sense. I can understand invisible but unless you are Doctor Who, something cannot be big on the inside while small on the outside. By this logic once someone is inside the room it could expand and go back to its original size while still being invisible. Just talking about some logic here.
K one more thing on the topic of your description. Reading it really threw me off. I mean bad. really badly. This is again why I would recommend changing Hells' name. Cause you said something about the child of heaven and hell. I thought that her kid would be the main character. Try to find something else for her name I would recommend. Something wittty or something.
Do any of them have cutie marks? you havn't mentioned them once so yeah. You could work on their names through those. Since in her dream she was a really good drawer you could work with that.
Everything I have said are recommendations. With work this could be pretty interesting. I'm kinda interested in it myself so I will come and check it out again if you work on it. Good luck and have a good life.
For real this time
YBG Out -
1584714
To avoid giving away spoilers I would recommend deleting that comment for your own sake. I don't mean completely change her name to something un-suiting just make it less obvious. Like using hell in a different language, something closely related to hell. Like i dunno. Pluto or something. Hades, Abyssus (Latin) Abyssal Fire maybe I dunno these are just suggestions. It's your story and your decision. I take no offence to ideas not used. Again I hope good things for your story and a good life to you.
YBG Out -
i should have chapter 4 ready by tomorrow but i won't be able to post it until monday.
i haven't had a chance to start it until yesterday anyway, soz guys... ye probably aren't even interested anyway, most of you don't seem to be... ha, lol
- Twilight Lioness Robot (aka: KilinKat)