Storm clouds

by cpcp800

Chapter 1: Weakness

Chapter one: On the run

BOLTS POINT OF VIEW

"Ow!" A lightning strikes me just between my wings – oof , my head hurts. Shit my vision's fading and…

No I can't black out now.

It's dark. I don't know if this is my third or fourth night spent on the run.

I am so tired. If I could, I would have collapsed, right there in mid-flight.

It must have been at least five or six hours since the last time I took it to hyper speed and shattered the sonic wall. I don't think I can stand it much longer, but every time I stop, they gain on me. If they get me I'm doomed. Maybe I should stay in the next pegasus village I pass by, but if I stay too long they'll catch up to me. I ca — what was that? I think I heard wings flapping. It can't be them, can it?

"Hey! You shouldn't fly when you're tired, you know."

That can't be them. It sounds like a young mare, not the likes of which I'm fleeing. I'd better ask, maybe she knows where I can sleep

"Sorry - I'm just migrating. Do you know a place, where a pegasus can get some well-deserved rest?"

"Well, Cloudsdale's not far from here, but I don't think there are any free rooms. Maybe I could fix up my guest room if you want me to, with the storm and all. Oh, and what's your name?"

"Thank you that's very nice of you. My name is Bolt, by the way" I said looking at the pegasus, who just offered me, a complete stranger, to enter and rest in her house, almost as if we knew each other.

I suddenly realize how far I travelled. Back in my town I would probably have been knocked out and have everything stolen from me. I make a mental note about thanking her in some way.

The mare before me had cutie mark shaped like a rainbow coloured lightning bolt from a white thundercloud. Almost the same as my cutie mark, a golden lightning bolt with what looked like fire inside. I guess we both specialized in speed or something. Man, I get off track

Other than that she has light blue fur and a rainbow colored mane.

"This way to my house. I'm rainbow dash, by the way. Always nice to make a new friend."

Friend. Maybe.

•♦•♦•♦•

DASH'S POINT OF VIEW

(5 minutes earlier)

Hey! That can't possibly be a pegasus, who's out flying in this weather. Lightning storms are extremely dangerous.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAP

"Ow!"

Shit! It is a pegasus! I going to help that poor guy. That must really hurt.

As I get closer, I can see he looks exhausted. I call out to him as I fly steadily closer. Hmm - his cutie mark is very much like mine. Strange. Well no time to have second thoughts now - I think he heard me.

"Hey! You shouldn't fly when you're tired, you know."

Comments

[Snapple Jack]

I like where this is going. Imma track dis bitch!

[Mänic]

interesting, I would personally make the chapters longer, though this makes a very nice little teaser for it, you should keep a look out and sleep with one eye open, because you're being tracked

[gmoneywalker]

Not bad, I've certainly read much worse. No errors spelling or grammar wise that are all that distracting. Though I am predicting some OC x Mane cast shipping which I'm not a huge fan of. But if you pull it off well I won't be complaining later. For now I'll give it four stars.

Hello, fellow author!
I like this story, it's always nice to see someone succeed in writing first person. Even though, I'd like to give some advice, or critique, or whatever you wanna call it ;)
First things first, I think that all readers will agree that future chapters would probably be best if they are longer. Try to keep to at least 1500 words, I always do. Even though, as Mänic said, this is a nice little preview.
One thing I noticed about when Bolt looked at RD is that you didn't mention her eyes. Though maybe you've planned to save that for later (if you've planned to pair RD with Bolt, make sure that you make it a very deep moment when he does look her in the eyes).
And I hope that you'll give us a proper description on how Bolt looks, just don't make it too long, but also not too short.
And one more thing. The way that you shift between RD's and Bolt's point of view is interesting, but be careful when you do it. I'd say that you try to keep RD's point of view to a minimum, otherwise it could get tedious to read. Sorry, but that's just my opinion.
Great job, I hope to see more of your story, and I'd really lik to ''hear'' more about Bolt and his backstory.
Keep writing!
The paperbag man

[cpcp800]

oh and next chapter is rainy days point of view

Hi! Well, cp, you know me already, as I see you almost every day...
I love how this turned out! Now, a special message to you:
Halløjsovs! Må jeg ikke nok betalæse de næste kapitler? Bebe? Det var virkelig sjovt, og så får jeg lov til at se det før alle andre!
Hvis du måske ikke allerede har gættet det, er det Emilie, som sidder bag tastaturet. Du ved, pige, din klasse, Harry Potter-nørd? Åhr, du kender mig!

Emilie^^

[Emily Redbird]

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Yea, that was me... Finally got around to making a profile...