Storm clouds

Ever since Rainstorm parted with his sister Rainy day he has been on the run.

this is part one of a trilogy i am planning to make.
ALL comments will be read so rate and review

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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Snapple Jack

Snapple Jack #1 · Jan 2nd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: Weakness ·

I like where this is going. Imma track dis bitch!

Mänic

Mänic #2 · Jan 2nd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: Weakness ·

interesting, I would personally make the chapters longer, though this makes a very nice little teaser for it, you should keep a look out and sleep with one eye open, because you're being tracked

gmoneywalker

gmoneywalker #3 · Jan 3rd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: Weakness ·

Not bad, I've certainly read much worse. No errors spelling or grammar wise that are all that distracting. Though I am predicting some OC x Mane cast shipping which I'm not a huge fan of. But if you pull it off well I won't be complaining later. For now I'll give it four stars.

#4 · Jan 3rd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: Weakness ·

Hello, fellow author!
I like this story, it's always nice to see someone succeed in writing first person. Even though, I'd like to give some advice, or critique, or whatever you wanna call it ;)
First things first, I think that all readers will agree that future chapters would probably be best if they are longer. Try to keep to at least 1500 words, I always do. Even though, as Mänic said, this is a nice little preview.
One thing I noticed about when Bolt looked at RD is that you didn't mention her eyes. Though maybe you've planned to save that for later (if you've planned to pair RD with Bolt, make sure that you make it a very deep moment when he does look her in the eyes).
And I hope that you'll give us a proper description on how Bolt looks, just don't make it too long, but also not too short.
And one more thing. The way that you shift between RD's and Bolt's point of view is interesting, but be careful when you do it. I'd say that you try to keep RD's point of view to a minimum, otherwise it could get tedious to read. Sorry, but that's just my opinion.
Great job, I hope to see more of your story, and I'd really lik to ''hear'' more about Bolt and his backstory.
Keep writing!
The paperbag man

cpcp800

cpcp800 #5 · Jan 9th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: Weakness ·

oh and next chapter is rainy days point of view

#6 · Jan 16th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: Weakness ·

Hi! Well, cp, you know me already, as I see you almost every day...
I love how this turned out! Now, a special message to you:
Halløjsovs! Må jeg ikke nok betalæse de næste kapitler? Bebe? Det var virkelig sjovt, og så får jeg lov til at se det før alle andre!
Hvis du måske ikke allerede har gættet det, er det Emilie, som sidder bag tastaturet. Du ved, pige, din klasse, Harry Potter-nørd? Åhr, du kender mig!