They see my top hat, they jelly.
Scootaloo is jealous of all her friends having coltfriends and sets out to get one. She goes to all the mane six for advice and/or help. But when will Scootaloo realize that she shouldn't have to change for somepony to like her? When will she realize that with each change, she is pushing away a secret admirer?
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Let me see...
Well, you managed to get the formatting decently right. But indent your paragraphs.
What is this sentence saying? That red section doesn't have to be there.
Sweetie Belle, not Sweetie Bell.
Applejack, not Apple Jack.
Too much tell. Not enough show. Take this extract for example.
You don't have to say that in narrative. You can actually have her say 'thank you Rarity.' instead
Who are these Rip Tide and Big Red ponies you are talking about? I don't remember any background ponies with those names. If they're Original Characters give them the blue OC tag; not the green Other tag.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5c52aq5zx1rtcfaqo1_500.gif
*Absconds*
Whoosh!
Thorlol: TWE Mod
There's a few hiccups here and there, but i'm enjoying it so far! Oh, and it sometimes goes into 1st person and then back into 3rd person, it kinda bothers me a little but that's fine
There are several problems with the story right off the bat, the first and largest of which being that Rainbow Dash is not Scootaloo's sister. Lauren Faust herself said she wasn't, and it doesn't get more official than that. Secondly, you have a lot of problems with things that should be one word, but are written as two words in this story. For example: "Wonder Bolt" should be Wonderbolt and "Apple Jack" should be Applejack. Also, Sweetie Belle's name has an e on the end of bell.
Other than that, I'm really interested to see where this story goes from here. A tomboy who has a hard time not being seen as "one of the guys" has tons of potential.
I think this story can go somewhere. I liked that you left off in a dramatic stage. Take a while to plan out the next chapter, and go for it. I think this has a lot of potential in storyline. Especially with the themes (Scoots alcoholic mother, AJ and AB relationship, Sweetie's Rarity side coming out, high school drama, etc.). Take your criticism constructively and keep at it!