• Member Since 10th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen 51 minutes ago

Electuroo


E

The life he once knew and the life he once had was all gone in a single moment of pure darkness. A young colt finds himself without memories of whom or what he was.With nothing left to remind him of what life were before he keeps moving on, with darkness always trailing close behind. The light of magic leads him to a whole new beginning to a whole new life. What will this new beginning bring for him?

Permission granted to use the commission made drawing that Skyheavens made for me.


Story being checked and edited by:Cold Spike (Prologue and chapter 1, 6 and 7)
Joesephius_Loewe (Chapter 8 - chapter 30)
Josh Satt (Chapter 31)
Berry Delight (Chapter 32, 33, Reunited with a Twist: Armour and Sunny)
Sunflower1414 (Chapter 34 to 36)
QueenOfTheBadlands1 (Chapters 2 to 5 plus Scootaloo POV chapter)

Update: First story I created and with the help of my awesome friend Joesephius_Loewe proofreading we hit the mark of 101 thumbs up with 105 watchers at 01/07/2014. Thank you everypony for enjoying this story so far and try to continue to keep you enjoying the story of Zaps Apple.

Featured: 01/08/2014, 17/7/2016, 20/03/2017, 8/9/2017 and 1/2/2018

Chapters (43)
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Comments ( 204 )

3272544 glad it has and hope to see what you and the others that read this got to say about it, it my first story that I done that follows behind the eyes of someone mainly. And not all too sure where this is going, I am working on the plot as it comes along lol.

3294459

3280383

For all of you I am going to try to keep this as interesting as possible then ^^ I haven't realised it picked up so much interest ^^ It was just a wild card idea I came up with and went for it. :pinkiehappy:

So I will do my very best to keep you all liking my story ^^

good so far but you might want to fix the storys description since the word memoirs might be wrong

3299517 yeah it was lol. It been fixed. Glad your enjoying the story so far

So far I'm liking what I'm reading.

Quick question, is English not your first language? It could use some work heh, lots of missing letters in some cases and lots of missing commas. Still, interesting.

3326845 English is my only language but I have a disability that makes spelling and grammar quite hard to notice, that why I like to know what I made mistakes on and such so I can learn to make the corrections myself.

Not sure if you heard of it but I have what called aspergers syndrome.

If you like could you show me my mistakes so I can work on improving myself :pinkiehappy:

Might need to find an editor but other then the grammar its still a good read.

3327137 Yeah I tend not to see the grammar errors :ajsleepy:

but willing to accept any help from anyone :pinkiehappy:

Glad your enjoy reading it still

I'm no editor but here is one:

“Sweet Apple Acres? That the name of the farm I ran on to?” she nods “Erm one more question, what old?” I'm assuming you meant to say what's old? Or what does old mean?

3326969

3327918 ah I see, thanks for pointing that out my friend

I'm curious what others Apples will say, when they learn that he can eat raw zap apples. :ajsmug:
As for the grammatical mistakes. Meh. English is not my native language, so I ignoring them ´cause I can not find them. :derpytongue2:

The mistakes as far as I can tell are missing periods and commas for certain pieces of dialogue. 3347328

There was a few grammar errors that tripped me up a bit but not to much. The Story still flows pretty good. I wander what AJ's reaction is going to be when she learns about Zap staying.

3348107 I am not even sure where these missing parts are lol

3348735 glad you enjoying the story so far

And everyone else too.

*Sigh* I could point out plenty of mistakes if you want me to try? Remember I do just want to help this story read better to others, the better grammar the more views you will get. Its not just grammar though which I can deal with while I read. It's how certain ponies are handling this situation and how your OC handles it too. One tiny example that stood out was that Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom suddenly knew the information that Zaps had only told Scootaloo. This being that he did not remember doing much of anything, including tasks.

“Look like you know how to clean yourself” Sweetie Belle said to me
This is two examples of something that is wrong to me. One, there is a missing period after the word me. Two, Why would Sweetie Belle question him or think that it is weird that he knew how to clean himself? Sure, maybe Scootaloo would think this since our little colt explained to her that he did not remember much. But if anything only Zaps himself would be amazed that he can clean him self and not the crusaders. 3350409

Here is a quick example of missing commas:

“When you get sap all over ya, we learn to get ourselves cleaned up fast” Scootaloo chuckled “And with our club house in the area of Sweet Apple Acres it come down to practice” Scootaloo explained to me as we stopped before the tub.

Right after the word fast there should be a comma followed by the " and then Scootaloo chuckled. there should also be a commas followed faster practice or a period. There are dozens of these tiny mistakes through out your story that can be fixed quite easily.

3350425 as for them knowing Scootaloo had told them before hand when she went out looking for them since she had Applebloom's bag. Should I add scenes that show them talking together in a 3rd person point of view? to fill in these missing parts?

I kind of kept it so far to the scene around him not outside parts. So maybe I should of added that part in.

You should but keep it always in first person, keep it consistent. Switch perspectives to Scootaloo or one of those three. I'm actually itching to grab each chapter you have and add as many fixes as I can find... 3350434

3351507 yeah I done that with the chapter I put up with Scootaloo's POV and be my guest to do the fixes.

I accept the help

I just sent you a PM containing edits for the Prologue, let me know what you think. 3351546

As someone who speaks English I have one thing to say about most of the story.

This is a grammatical nightmare.

The use of 'Your' is wrong in several locations throughout the story. This is how they are supposed to be used.
Your (as in possessive): "This is your bed, this one's mine."
You're (as in 'you are'): "Is this where you're going to sleep?"

And something chapter specific:

I look to Applebloom “Ah say it strange we doing this but ah cool with it, also in return he can help us with the school project”

The way you put this makes AB sound like some rapper, not a little country girl. Try putting it more like this:

"Ah think its strange that were doin' this, but ah'm okay with it. Maybe he can help us with the school project!"

I live in Oklahoma, so I personally know how the accent works. Other than those issues, this is a great story that I would love to see continue. Though I suggest finding someone to help edit the chapters before you publish them. *Cough* NightmareKnight *Cough*

3356439 nightmareknight? Your suggesting talking to this person to look through my chapters first?

Also I am sorry about the grammar errors... English maybe my only language but the writing side never been my strong point.

Yet again sorry for all the mistakes... I am really trying... Seriously

3356905 Yeah, NightmareKnight is a pretty cool guy when it comes to editing. He does so on some of my stories so I know that he's pretty good at spotting errors and noting them.

And don't worry about the whole grammar issue. Just read and write some more stuff and you'll get better over time. Trust me. My first works, while good ideas, had such terrible writing and grammar that when I looked back at them I nearly gagged. It was a rather unbelievable change in quality from constant run-on sentences and misspelling to stuff that is almost on par with some of the better writers here on FimFiction.

:twilightsmile:Just keep writing and do what you like. In the end that's all people can do with their lives......:rainbowderp:.... And I just realized I went all philosophical on this message.:facehoof:

3357193 I will find time to talk to him ^^ thank you for the advice and I will try to keep improving on my work

Other then the grammar issues how are you liking the story so far?

3357218 I believe I stated so in the first comment but I'll say it again.

This is a great story and I would love to see it continue:pinkiehappy:

3357233 lol I must of over saw that :rainbowlaugh:

I will continue on it ^^ just hope to keep everyone happy, I never had this sort of pressure like this before. With 22 thumbs up and 30+ favs on this, it kind of nerve racking... :pinkiehappy:

But I am happy so many are liking it though. And continue to try and keep every one happy :rainbowdetermined2:

3357243 You think that's nerve racking? HA! Try having 50 favorites on just the first day that seems to only grow with each passing day till its around 800! When that happens, you can say you have nerve racking pressure on you. Till then, stay calm and keep writing.

Did you get in contact with an editor? If you did that's good, but I still found some issues with how this is going.

1: The pacing. I personally think that this could have been split into a couple of chapters and lengthened out more. It seemed a little fast with how it went to me.
2: The dialogue. While it's better than before, the way that they're talking sounds off in a way that to describe, you have to hear them read aloud. Try doing that about three or more times and imagine the scene playing out in you're head when going over what you've written. It helps to see if you find anything that's off before AND after you have an editor look at it. It works a lot of the time. Trust me.

That's about what I could find that was iffy this time. Keep up the good work, and also keep improving.

3370522 guess some parts does seem to be rushed. But I did try to keep it steady and paste it out a bit. Also kind of forgot to contact that user :twilightsheepish:

I will try to keep improving it as I go along. Also try to keep the chapters steady and a bit longer from this point forwards.

At this time I am kind of his editor. I'm not the best... or so I've been told in some angry posts on other stories :twilightblush: But I am slowly working to make this readable again :pinkiehappy: 3370522

3375507 Anyone that could lead me a hand is all great for me. ^^ I really like the help you've given me Cold Spike ^^

I want to see Granny Smith's reaction to him just biting into a zap apple.

3447094 you most likely will get that chance ^_^

3447107 Yeah...I also half-expect him to be the only pony not to like zap apple jam, on the grounds that 'it doesn't taste right'.

3447159 Not quite sure, I didn't thought about it. That is a very good point you brought up, he may find it tasty but not that tasty as others.

If you want I will happily proofread any work you want, I love this story so far, but the little mistakes are slightly distracting. Just message me on this (you can do that on FimFiction right?) Or on UKofE (Joesephius Loewe)

3448358 well chapters 2 through 5 haven't been proof read and cold spike with some of his spare time been checking through them for me, he done quite a bit for me already. Sorry if chapters 2 through 5 was distracting with the mistakes that was made. :scootangel:

I want to see him eat a zap apple in front of Diamond Tiara and Silver Poon.

3536112 a scene where Zaps is all 'nom' and Diamond's all 'wuh?'.

3536112>>3536288

It most likely will happen but not sure of when it will. I have a good idea where to do it though ^_^

3536685
I will just have to try and make the next ones even better :eeyup:

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