The end of the line

by Bennet001

The End of the line

The end of the line

lancer has lived for eons, he's lived longer then 7 pony generations and he's nearing the end of his life, when everything is said and done what regret does the dragon hold?

Story start,

I am so tired, time is quite the horrible mistress even at the end of my life I still wish to live, but why? I think I'm waiting for someone, but who?

"Ah in my old age forgetting things is a given."

"What does old age have to do with forgetting anything young dragon?"

lancers eyes roared to life, an intruder in my personal cave. "Infidel how dare you enter this sacred place!!" He roared raising his head to burn the intruder to the ground. He fired.

"Humph that will show anyone who wishes to enter here."

"Is that all the power your flames hold now, you have lost some conviction lancer."

"How! There has only been one horse that could be engulfed by my flames and not be a pile of ash!" I looked to the horse my eyes watering over as the memory's returned. "Cole?" I asked hopefully. "No he died a long time ago if not he would have come to..." I tried to place this as a hallucination it happened often every time I wake up I see them looking at me with a wide smile on there face me running to them too smother them in a hug only for them to... I can’t go on, with Cole the real live Cole here the memories of my friend, lovers, wives came rushing back to me. Grabbing my chest, it hurt the pain was indescribable!

"Easy big guy, you're at the end of your life but I still have a few things to show you, don't end heart attack that's just not cool." Cole said jokingly bringing a slight smile to my face resting his hove on my claw pushing the pain away my chest it subside I could finally talk.

"Cole its a great pleasure to see you. I wish it was under better circumstances."

"Not at all this was how it was meant to be. come on outside there's something you have to see." he commanded even after all these years his voice held that subtle power that made the near dead rise behind him in renewed vigor. he lead me outside, I never came out of my cave at night... why don't I come out of my cave at night? "look at the sky Lancer. The stars are shining so brightly, it is such a beautiful sight but its significance is so sad."

There were stars shining in the night they seemed so bright the sun itself would be put to shame, it hurt so bad why does it hurt my chest its tightening, the pain its too much!!! I let out a roar the pain transforming into anger, its been years since I've been angry; even longer since I've felt anger for Cole I had forgiven him.

"WHY!!?" I shouted at him.

"Why, what lancer?"

"Why did you let them die." Tears were welling in my eyes as I spoke to Cole. my heart is shattering looking at those stars why did it hurt to look at the stars.

"I couldn't do anything about that, but I can tell you it still hurts to look at them not so bad because I know what’s coming but the pain is still there I can only imagine how much it hurts for you looking at the stars created by the passing of your loved ones the gift they asked me to give you so you could never forget them. I wonder if they know how much it hurts you just to come out of that cave and see them in the night sky?" Cole looked up at the stars. A look that I could not identify formed on his face, it was painful to look at, almost as painful as my shattering heart.

"Those stars, my friends asked you to make them?" the pain it hurts but there's something else something warm. I feel tired my eyes are getting heavy.

"yeah lancer don't ever forget they loved you from the bottom of their hearts, but to tell you they loved you is not why I'm here nor is it to give you comfort at the the end, you know I don't work like that. I'm here for a different reason." he looked at me his eyes changing from a pained expression to one of happiness. "Now then to explain your situation in a nut shell what would you do to live with them again?" a question that I ask myself everyday. In my eons of existence I have asked myself what I would do to be with them again, and my answer has always been the same.

"What wouldn't I do."

"Good. now then you have limited time in this world, and usually it would take you a thousand years just to be eligible for rebirth, but if you are willing to forget everything, for a little while, I could make your rebirth process instantaneous you'll wake up a dragon with everyone you ever loved not that far away but there is a condition." he was mocking me this was just a horse what could he do for me in death, but still it was a chance to be with them again, I stayed with them till the very end, I could wait for the beginning.

"What is your condition?"

"You get no rest; the moment you die, the exact second you die you wake up as another dragon, a whole new life you will be thrust into with out a moment of respite." those weren't bad terms but waiting after they died that is true torture maybe these are lenient rules for a dragon that has suffered too long.

"That is fine, but I have a request if possible?" I asked hope in my voice but my body was screeching in pain now, the thought of what I was asking scared it, I had to distract myself focus on the warm feeling. I had forgotten what it was, the love I shared for them was still there even a thousand years after there passing I could still feel the warmth, it strengthen my resolve.

"If it was in my power I could do it." the pained look appeared again that's all that I could identify it was a look of pain but it seemed deeper a more primal pain.

"Assure me when I am born again that after they pass I will not be long behind, they may refuse and say I must live my life but my life is with them, tell them the torture it is to live and not have the ones you love so close, allow me this request even if they refuse, it is a choice I made and will continue to make." it was a difficult request or it would have been Cole has buried many friends; even more he has had to kill himself. a smile spread on his face it was infectious I started laughing.

"No prob that's what I would expect from you lancer the dragon that lived among ponies the dragon that fell in love with ponies." he began to laugh, loving the revelry. "Completely preposterous!! I had never seen anything like it, amazing a true miracle. and I don't say that lightly." Cole lied he didn't believe in miracles he says he has lived too long to see an impossible event.

"That's a nice sentiment, it would mean more if you meant it. What’s this thing you say that could bring me back?" the question nagged at my mind how could this horse help me?

"Oh Lancer, you should see it now, what I truly am." Cole began to flicker his hoodie began to fade replaced by a cloak of black flames the darkness of it all, it should be suffocating me but looking into it, it is a calming flame my pain and fears gone the warmth of love began to flow into me. for the first time since I met him I see Cole's cutie mark a skull with a dual scythe behind it most would be terrified of the sight but it was welcoming to me. A few more moments and I would be with them I pray that I can love and help them all.

"Lancer, look into the sky let your last sight be what they left for you." Cole placed his hove on my snout and single-handed raised my head to the sky. I suddenly didn't have the energy to lift it. The stars they were beautiful, there wasn't another word for them, six stars in a perfect hexagon they each shone a different color one purple with a slight pink in it, another a pure white with blue splashed in, an orange one, a yellow one this shined the least brightest as if it was a shy light, there was a full pink one that shone brightest of them all overflowing with energy, and a rainbow one glowing a constant and bright light it was the greatest feeling looking up I remember the pain but now that its the end nothing but joy filled me the world seem to grow darker as if fading away I knew I was dying nearing the end of my cycle my head was bobbing a little a sniffing noise could be heard under me this was a miracle Cole crying I let the darkness overtake me the stars the last thing a saw there was a hole in the center of them all and not a single light shone in the center.

"At least they will have the full 7." my last joke in this life as I let a small chuckle escape.

Cole P.O.V.

UGH MMPH don't cry not now wait for him to go he’s at peace let him enjoy the lights at least for a bit more.

"At least they will have the full 7." Lancer's last joke I could chuckle but after he disappears.

I laid his head down and watched as my closest friend lay beneath me. I laughed, laughed at the times I saw him screw up, at all the times he made me smile, at all the good times he and his friend spent with me... when did I start crying... when did I dig this hole... where’s Lancer? ooh... sniff... sniff I raise my head a tear falls down my face and I see a sight that was a true miracle there are seven stars in that perfect hexagon.

"I finally saw one." was all I could say as the rain rolled in you can cry in the rain no one can tell the difference.

Comments

[Zweiterversuch]

Hmmm....the story is good, but it's a bit hard to follow at some points.
Some readers may not feel too motivated to read it due to the lack of MLP characters since we don't know who the hell "Cole" and "Lancer" are, but still what you get at the end is a moving, surprisingly good story with great potential of the mane six!

Surprised huh? I can tell I was when I got to the ending.

Though I will try to be a bit more specific about what brings the story down. Without trying to be hurtful or a jerk.

1) Story start,

That right there, threw me off right of the bat.
I know what you tried to do there. You wanted first to make the reader think about being able to live longer than the people you love, right?
After that, you wanted them to hear the story of a dragon that had met such a fate. An unhappy dragon that has seen every body he loves and holds dear die before him.
This idea was great. But, that wasn't the best way to portray that to the reader.
You could have made it more mystical or magical or appealing to the reader in other ways such as:

Instead of using "Story starts" why don't you say something like

"Let me tell you about his story"

"Here is his story"

"Let us hear more about him..."

"I often ask myself those questions..."

Try to "slide" the readers in the mood of the story.
"Story starts" just feels like a concrete wall separating the whole story.

2) Mixing numbers and letters.
What I've noticed in the English language is that whenever you need to write a number down, you don't use the symbol for that number if it has a short name.

Let me explain this first wit the number 2.
A number is made of two things: A symbol (2) and the name (TWO).

So if the name of the number is short like in the case of the number SEVEN (7), you write the name of the number down.

"...he's lived longer then 7 pony generations...." = not aesthetically pleasant.

"... he's lived longer than seven pony generations..." = Ok.

If the name of the number is longer than the symbol like: (7'777.777) seven million seven hundred thousand seven hundred and seventy seven, you use the symbol for that number instead.

3) "Horse"
I know what you are trying to do there and I know what you mean, but I must say that the word "horse" freaked up my imagination.
In my mind I saw this whenever I was reading the fanfic

images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/26200000/Twilight-as-Starswirl-the-Bearded-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-26259376-296-356.jpg

but whenever the word "horse" popped up, it changed to this:

s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/photos/images/original/000/131/311/Realistic.jpg?1307443079

If that was the feeling you were going for, I'm sorry for my comment. But I think you should change "horse" to pony instead.

4) Dialog and narration are clumped up all together.
Here:

"How! There has only been one horse that could be engulfed by my flames and not be a pile of ash!" I looked to the horse my eyes watering over as the memory's returned. "Cole?"

In that line there's dialog and narrative mixed together. Sometimes it really can screw up the "flow" of the fic.
I recommend it you change that a bit. I must say I don't have any "good" recommendations (I have problems with that myself), but I guess I could say that you try out something like this:

"How!?
There has only been one pony that could be engulfed by my flames and not be a pile of ash!"

I looked to the horse my eyes watering over as the memory's returned.

"Cole?"

It isn't the best option! But I guess it helps. (Ignore the color please.)

5) The characters.
We don't know them. We know they are called "COLE" and "LANCER". They are friends. Lancer is old and had bazillions of wives (NICE! Even better when we know who those wives were! :3 !)
And then we get the twist in which Cole is actually the messenger of death! (NICE!).

But that's all. We don't know their appearances. We don't know their motives...we don't know where they are...(not so important though, but it would be nice.)
We want to know more about them! More, more, more, more!

I can't really give any good advice here though. All I can do is say stuff I think would be cool and would help build the characters a little more. Not only cole and lancer, but the wives as well (I MEAN COME ON!!! THE PAST LIVES OF THE MANE SIX!? I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!)

a) more inner monologues of lancer (who is our main protagonist).

b) try to make cole more mysterious. Not mysterious like we don't know who he is, but mysterious in like we don't know what his true motives are. We also don't know if Cole is old or not. He's just there.

c) Old dragon, wise dragon, powerful experienced dragon...
Lancer is a dragon...and he's old....that's all we now. Try to focus on the kind of dragon that you want to show us.
Is Lancer an old dragon we should feel pity for?
Is he maybe a wise dragon with deep insights about life and death?
Is he a mighty dragon every pony should be afraid of?

d) The wives....the freaking wives!!!!
This fic got me so excited when I reached that part!
I wanted to know more about them. How were they? Who were they did the look the same as they will do in the future? Were they the same?
I know that to explain all that would take years to do, but man...they were an important life of Lancer/Spike's past!
We would like to know of their relationship then. A little bit at least.
Actually this reminded me of the queen of Portugal in Terranigma when you are getting the eyes for the paintings of her dead husbands to open the way to the last boss.

"The first one had blue eyes, that shined vividly as the sea."
"The second one had red eyes that burned with great passion."
"The third one had deep black eyes."
"The last one had a fake eye."

Dude! It'd be great if you could do something like that with the mane six past lives.

Lancer: "My first wife had the energy of a tornado and claimed to the four winds that the sky was her realm. My heart broke in pieces when I saw her plummet to the ground."

"The second one loved the starry night sky and knew her ways with wizardry and magic. A single one of her spells could bring mighty ursa's to sleep, yet it was one of them that brought her eternal rest."

Guess who they are.

Anyway...this fic has an incredibly amount of unused potential!

6)
nut shell
with out
respite

Small typos. You should fix those.

[Bennet001]

2165483
Finally!! someone came out and said it!! I must admit more details of the wives wasn't actually on my list of things to improve on this story. I didn't see that coming. The horse thing was purely circumstantial, I was in the middle of physics when I wrote this, so you can imagine the lengths I had to go to hide the fact that I write MLP fanfiction. I wasn't quite happy that I couldn't flesh out the characters more but 45 minutes of work and switching certain words around can really bring a null to your creative factor more then sheer boredom can increase it. but i have a revised work coming out that should make considerable changes to what you see before you.
Tell me how long would you read a fic for? i have three versions of this fic the short and not at all fulfilling in my point of view (1500 words) a md length that goes into details but is still pretty ambiguos(3000 word) and the pinnacle a whomping 7865 words!! I could have made it longer but come on im the only guy that would read a 14+ k fic. without it being broken into chapters.

[Zweiterversuch]

2165544

I'll have the longest version please.