In a darkened cave Lancer has lived a long and bountifully life but there was always something missing something long forgotten or more to say long since dead.
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Bennet001
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Hmmm....the story is good, but it's a bit hard to follow at some points.
Some readers may not feel too motivated to read it due to the lack of MLP characters since we don't know who the hell "Cole" and "Lancer" are, but still what you get at the end is a moving, surprisingly good story with great potential of the mane six!
Surprised huh? I can tell I was when I got to the ending.
Though I will try to be a bit more specific about what brings the story down. Without trying to be hurtful or a jerk.
1) Story start,
That right there, threw me off right of the bat.
I know what you tried to do there. You wanted first to make the reader think about being able to live longer than the people you love, right?
After that, you wanted them to hear the story of a dragon that had met such a fate. An unhappy dragon that has seen every body he loves and holds dear die before him.
This idea was great. But, that wasn't the best way to portray that to the reader.
You could have made it more mystical or magical or appealing to the reader in other ways such as:
Instead of using "Story starts" why don't you say something like
"Let me tell you about his story"
"Here is his story"
"Let us hear more about him..."
"I often ask myself those questions..."
Try to "slide" the readers in the mood of the story.
"Story starts" just feels like a concrete wall separating the whole story.
2) Mixing numbers and letters.
What I've noticed in the English language is that whenever you need to write a number down, you don't use the symbol for that number if it has a short name.
Let me explain this first wit the number 2.
A number is made of two things: A symbol (2) and the name (TWO).
So if the name of the number is short like in the case of the number SEVEN (7), you write the name of the number down.
"...he's lived longer then 7 pony generations...." = not aesthetically pleasant.
"... he's lived longer than seven pony generations..." = Ok.
If the name of the number is longer than the symbol like: (7'777.777) seven million seven hundred thousand seven hundred and seventy seven, you use the symbol for that number instead.
3) "Horse"
I know what you are trying to do there and I know what you mean, but I must say that the word "horse" freaked up my imagination.
In my mind I saw this whenever I was reading the fanfic
images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/26200000/Twilight-as-Starswirl-the-Bearded-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-26259376-296-356.jpg
but whenever the word "horse" popped up, it changed to this:
s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/photos/images/original/000/131/311/Realistic.jpg?1307443079
If that was the feeling you were going for, I'm sorry for my comment. But I think you should change "horse" to pony instead.
4) Dialog and narration are clumped up all together.
Here:
"How! There has only been one horse that could be engulfed by my flames and not be a pile of ash!" I looked to the horse my eyes watering over as the memory's returned. "Cole?"
In that line there's dialog and narrative mixed together. Sometimes it really can screw up the "flow" of the fic.
I recommend it you change that a bit. I must say I don't have any "good" recommendations (I have problems with that myself), but I guess I could say that you try out something like this:
"How!?
There has only been one pony that could be engulfed by my flames and not be a pile of ash!"
I looked to the horse my eyes watering over as the memory's returned.
"Cole?"
It isn't the best option! But I guess it helps. (Ignore the color please.)
5) The characters.
We don't know them. We know they are called "COLE" and "LANCER". They are friends. Lancer is old and had bazillions of wives (NICE! Even better when we know who those wives were! :3 !)
And then we get the twist in which Cole is actually the messenger of death! (NICE!).
But that's all. We don't know their appearances. We don't know their motives...we don't know where they are...(not so important though, but it would be nice.)
We want to know more about them! More, more, more, more!
I can't really give any good advice here though. All I can do is say stuff I think would be cool and would help build the characters a little more. Not only cole and lancer, but the wives as well (I MEAN COME ON!!! THE PAST LIVES OF THE MANE SIX!? I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!
)
a) more inner monologues of lancer (who is our main protagonist).
b) try to make cole more mysterious. Not mysterious like we don't know who he is, but mysterious in like we don't know what his true motives are. We also don't know if Cole is old or not. He's just there.
c) Old dragon, wise dragon, powerful experienced dragon...
Lancer is a dragon...and he's old....that's all we now. Try to focus on the kind of dragon that you want to show us.
Is Lancer an old dragon we should feel pity for?
Is he maybe a wise dragon with deep insights about life and death?
Is he a mighty dragon every pony should be afraid of?
d) The wives....the freaking wives!!!!
This fic got me so excited when I reached that part!
I wanted to know more about them. How were they? Who were they did the look the same as they will do in the future? Were they the same?
I know that to explain all that would take years to do, but man...they were an important life of Lancer/Spike's past!
We would like to know of their relationship then. A little bit at least.
Actually this reminded me of the queen of Portugal in Terranigma when you are getting the eyes for the paintings of her dead husbands to open the way to the last boss.
"The first one had blue eyes, that shined vividly as the sea."
"The second one had red eyes that burned with great passion."
"The third one had deep black eyes."
"The last one had a fake eye."
Dude! It'd be great if you could do something like that with the mane six past lives.
Lancer: "My first wife had the energy of a tornado and claimed to the four winds that the sky was her realm. My heart broke in pieces when I saw her plummet to the ground."
"The second one loved the starry night sky and knew her ways with wizardry and magic. A single one of her spells could bring mighty ursa's to sleep, yet it was one of them that brought her eternal rest."
Guess who they are.
Anyway...this fic has an incredibly amount of unused potential!
6)
nut shell
with out
respite
Small typos. You should fix those.
2165483
Finally!! someone came out and said it!! I must admit more details of the wives wasn't actually on my list of things to improve on this story. I didn't see that coming. The horse thing was purely circumstantial, I was in the middle of physics when I wrote this, so you can imagine the lengths I had to go to hide the fact that I write MLP fanfiction. I wasn't quite happy that I couldn't flesh out the characters more but 45 minutes of work and switching certain words around can really bring a null to your creative factor more then sheer boredom can increase it. but i have a revised work coming out that should make considerable changes to what you see before you.
Tell me how long would you read a fic for? i have three versions of this fic the short and not at all fulfilling in my point of view (1500 words) a md length that goes into details but is still pretty ambiguos(3000 word) and the pinnacle a whomping 7865 words!! I could have made it longer but come on im the only guy that would read a 14+ k fic. without it being broken into chapters.
2165544
I'll have the longest version please.