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The Badfic Bin1,020 stories ·367 members

Spectral Spectrum

When a Mysterious Pegasus named Aphos summons something in the Everfree that was not meant to be in Equestria, he places Ponyville in grave danger. He must find a way to desummon these beasts and return Equestria to its relatively peaceful state.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 2 )

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cheezesauce

cheezesauce #1 · Dec 31st, 2011 · · ·

The intro is great- an immediate attention grabber. Rainbow Dash seems more or less in character.

However, some points i'd like to raise:
1: the pony that broke a wing and a leg? why was there ABSOLUTELY NO pain description on this? surely a few sentences must be written on how painful that was.
2: Rainbow Dash is lacking the emotion of fear and uncertainty. Yes, well, she may be brave and all, but she said something like: “Embernaithes? What!?! I thought those didn’t exist!” This implies that she found it either something very bad or very unusual, which would bring about those feelings. Also, she had just met a mysterious pony that popped out of nowhere as well, adding on to it.
3: The final scene has a few breaks/ jumps in events. Like... some sentences are missing somewhere, meaning that the paragraphs dont really flow that nicely.

Overall, the plot seems to be very promising. I bet you have a tonne of amazing ideas for this story

Fantasy Mane

Fantasy Mane #2 · Feb 11th, 2012 · · ·

Thank you, I try hard for good attention-grabbers
On point 1, I'll take that into consideration. I can't believe I didn't think about that. Thank you.
On point 2, her brain is just in "WTF" mode , and the whole thing is just shocking her mind, so shes going with whats solid, and can be as dealt with asap.
On point 3, that was where I kinda started slipping, mentally, from the story , and began to write the "prequel" so to speak, expect that to be coming soon, so that I have my version of Equestria built, before I really start playing into this, which is set in my version of Equestria.

WE THANK THEE FOR THY CRITIQUES!! Sorry, Royal Canterlot Voice... sometimes ya just gotta... anyway, as I was saying, thank you for your critique on my rough start of my first fanfic that I have begun to write.