• Member Since 23rd May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 18th, 2013

AHakimOB


T

A scene I made up where Rainbow Dash is a fighter in a fight club. Fighting numerous mares and stallions in The Cage, she never lost to one. Until one night when an orange country earth pony decides to put herself in The Cage against Rainbow.

NOTE: This has nothing to do with the movie. AT ALL.

A first-fic EVAAAAARR!!
Please tell me how bad it is, so, you know. I could improve? If you don't mind.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 15 )

Basically, this is the prologue. Let me know what you think. Notify me the errors if you will. And tell me if it's good for a story. Chapter 2 is currently in the-making. Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

:coolphoto: Guten Tag, fellow writer! :coolphoto:

I see you wish for the errors in your story to be addressed. Allow me..
For one, I noticed you seem to have a problem with fragmented sentences, for example:

White Mane, in desperate need of air, then jumped and fall on his back. Slamming Rainbow to the floor.

The second sentence in this blurb is a sentence fragment, not an actual sentence. Also the "then" is not necessary, and "fall" should be "fell".

White Mane, in desperate need of air, jumped and fell on his back, slamming Rainbow to the floor.

Ah.. much better.

But he was too late.

The "but" is only necessary if it is an addition to a larger sentence, which in this case it is not.

He looked at her with fearful, pleading eyes. Eyes that seemed to beg her to stop.

This would be better combined into one sentence.
Due to the fact that you only use two adjectives to describe his eyes, there is no need for a comma. A simple "and" will suffice.

He looked at her with fearful and pleading eyes that seemed to beg her to stop.

Good. Onto the next one.

White Mane, in his loss of all of his focus, luckily able to grab her

This sentence blurb is.. problematic. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's just wrong.

White Mane, despite his lack of focus, was able to grab her

This is much better. Just trust me on that. :twilightsmile:

Well, I hope that clears up some errors in your writing, but I'm afraid that I am not much of an authority in matters of plot. :twilightsheepish:
It looks fairly good to me, but I would suggest asking someone else about that if you really want to know.

Other than that and some other errors, it's fine. Editors are good for even the best writers, but it's not entirely necessary here. I would suggest getting an editor if you don't already have one, but it's up to you. If you do want help with your story's convention errors, I would be more than willing to assist, if you so desire.

:coolphoto: Auf Wiedersehen! :coolphoto:
-Temperance, the Guileless Philosopher

Rule Number one: We don't talk about Fight Club.

A first-fic EVAAAAARR!! Oh, and it's a one-shot.

Erm, "It's a one-shot"...
*Incomplete Tag*
SEEMS LEGIT!

I don't understand all the thumb-downs, this is actually a nice story. It's believable and sounds exciting and I want moar. There are a bunch of spelling/grammar issues sprinkled liberally throughout the story, but i can't point some out because I'm using an iPad to type this. At least you have talent and the ability to use coherent written English, unlike some fics I've seen recently. Not naming any names~

In conclusion, :ajsmug:

1694900

Oh, my... :twilightsheepish: I need more practice in writing. Anyway, Thank you so much! I really appreciate the help. I'll get to it right away in my next update! :derpytongue2:
I'll be sure to credit you!

1694973

Yeaaaah....Should've mentioned it has nothing to do with the movie. I'll get to it. :unsuresweetie:

1695163

LOL! :twilightblush: :twilightsheepish: :facehoof: I'm such a noob. Okay, I'll fix it.

1696057 Doesn't matter: Fight club.

1696065

Seriously? Any ideas besides a 'Fight club' title?

Your Plot and description is awesome:pinkiehappy:

Hoping for longer chapters. You could also describe what is going through Rainbow Dash's head too. Just an idea

Dude, I seriously wanna see this story get finished. Its incredible and the fight descriptions are amazing! I hope you eventually finish this.

Login or register to comment