A scene I made up where Rainbow Dash is a fighter in a fight club. Fighting numerous mares and stallions in The Cage, she never lost to one. Until one night when an orange country earth pony decides to put herself in The Cage against Rainbow.
NOTE: This has nothing to do with the movie. AT ALL.
A first-fic EVAAAAARR!!
Please tell me how bad it is, so, you know. I could improve? If you don't mind.
Basically, this is the prologue. Let me know what you think. Notify me the errors if you will. And tell me if it's good for a story. Chapter 2 is currently in the-making. Thanks!
Guten Tag, fellow writer!
I see you wish for the errors in your story to be addressed. Allow me..
For one, I noticed you seem to have a problem with fragmented sentences, for example:
The second sentence in this blurb is a sentence fragment, not an actual sentence. Also the "then" is not necessary, and "fall" should be "fell".
Ah.. much better.
The "but" is only necessary if it is an addition to a larger sentence, which in this case it is not.
This would be better combined into one sentence.
Due to the fact that you only use two adjectives to describe his eyes, there is no need for a comma. A simple "and" will suffice.
Good. Onto the next one.
This sentence blurb is.. problematic. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's just wrong.
This is much better. Just trust me on that.
Well, I hope that clears up some errors in your writing, but I'm afraid that I am not much of an authority in matters of plot.
It looks fairly good to me, but I would suggest asking someone else about that if you really want to know.
Other than that and some other errors, it's fine. Editors are good for even the best writers, but it's not entirely necessary here. I would suggest getting an editor if you don't already have one, but it's up to you. If you do want help with your story's convention errors, I would be more than willing to assist, if you so desire.
Auf Wiedersehen!
-Temperance, the Guileless Philosopher
Rule Number one: We don't talk about Fight Club.
Erm, "It's a one-shot"...
*Incomplete Tag*
SEEMS LEGIT!
I don't understand all the thumb-downs, this is actually a nice story. It's believable and sounds exciting and I want moar. There are a bunch of spelling/grammar issues sprinkled liberally throughout the story, but i can't point some out because I'm using an iPad to type this. At least you have talent and the ability to use coherent written English, unlike some fics I've seen recently. Not naming any names~
In conclusion,
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Oh, my... I need more practice in writing. Anyway, Thank you so much! I really appreciate the help. I'll get to it right away in my next update!
I'll be sure to credit you!
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Yeaaaah....Should've mentioned it has nothing to do with the movie. I'll get to it.
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LOL! I'm such a noob. Okay, I'll fix it.
1696057 Doesn't matter: Fight club.
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Seriously? Any ideas besides a 'Fight club' title?
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Your Plot and description is awesome
Hoping for longer chapters. You could also describe what is going through Rainbow Dash's head too. Just an idea
Dude, I seriously wanna see this story get finished. Its incredible and the fight descriptions are amazing! I hope you eventually finish this.
Great fight scene.