Chapter 1 - It all starts here.
Hello, my name is David. I live in a bad neighborhood. I am 14. There is only one other person on my street my age, so I spend most of my time watching My Little Pony or reading fanfictions. I carry my 4 pony figures with me no matter where I go. At school, all my friends make fun of me for watching My Little Pony. Only one of my friends is a brony and even he says I talk about My Little Pony too much. I am a brony and this is my story.
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In Equestria, the mane 6 were all having a party at Sugar Cube Corner. It was to celebrate Rainbow Dash winning the Best Young Flyers competition. She bragged the most about saving the Wonderbolts.They had even made her an honorary member. She was so happy.
"I want to make a toast to Rainbow Dash, the best flyer in all of Equestria." Said Rarity.
"To Rainbow Dash, the best flyer in all of Equestria." said Twilight.
"Yah Rainbow!" whispered Fluttershy.
"Ya'll a great fly'r Rainbow." Said Applejack.
"Hooray for Dashie, the best flyer in all of Ponyville, no, all of Equestria!" yelled Pinkie.
"Well, thank you, I guess I am the best flyer in all of Equestria." said Rainbow Dash.
Then Pinkie came out of the kitchen with a tray of cupcakes (don't ask me how she got in the kitchen, she's Pinkie Pie) and set them on the table. "Eat up!" Everypony started eating the cupcakes.
After the party was over everypony left Sugar Cube Corner exept Rainbow and Pinkie.
"Pinkie?"
"Yes Dashie?"
"What should I do now that I won?"
You should keep on flyin'!"
"Thank you Pinkie."
And after that Rainbow Dash left.
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Back on Earth I was getting ready to go Geocaching like I do every week. I was getting my GPS when I remembered that I had to go to my piano lesson.I had to go because I missed the last 2 weeks, so I went.
When I got home I didn't have time to go geocaching, so I listened to MictheMicrophone read some fanfictions.I listened to him read Cupcakes and the Rainbow Factory. He is the best reader. After that I went to scouts.
At scouts my patrol was in charge of the meeting. We did a geocaching activity where we hid starburst (I prefer skittles) and got hints to look for them. We also talked about the geocaching merit badge and geocaching safety. Then I went home, did my homework, then listened to some music by the Brony Dance Party, the Living Tombstone, MictheMicrophone, and the WoodenToaster. Then I went to bed.
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When I got up I was getting ready for school.
"Mom, do you know where my pony figures are?"
"No, you don't need them, all the other kids will think you are weird!"
"All the others already think I'm... Nevermind, I found them on my desk."
After that I went to school.
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When I got to school I had reading class. My teacher, Mr. Carr, is the best teacher ever. He always teases me about being a brony. I always talk about it and he tries to ignore me. One day I fell on the ground and he told my friend, Gerry, to start kicking me.
After reading I had social studies. My teacher, Mr. McCutcheon, asked me about my pony figures, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Heartstrings (A dumb recoloring of Twilight Sparkle).
"David, how many ponies do you have today?"
"I have four."
"Let's see them."
So I pull them out and put them on my desk. Then on of my classmates asked "Does she make rainbows?" I said yes. Then the teacher asked,
"So if I throw him across the room he'll make a rainbow?"
"It's a girl!"
"So if I throw her across the room she will make a rainbow?"
"No."
"Well, that's dumb, if I throw Jenna across the room she'll at least do something!"
Jenna is a kid in my class.
After that I had Mr. Carr again for English. We were getting papers passed back. My friend Gerry knocked my Rainbow Dash figure off my desk and I was on the floor looking for it. Then Mr. Carr said,
"Where's David?"
"I'm over here!"
"Why are you on the floor?"
"Because Gerry Knocked my pony off of my desk!"
"Who?"
"Gerry."
"The fact that it was Gerry makes it even funnier."
After that I had lunch where I talked to my friends about our Youtube group, AUnionofGamers, and about ponies. After that I had Spanish. We had a visitor from Spain. I also had Math, just a dumb test. Then I had gym and the day was over.
After that I had to walk home. It was raining so I put my Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Heartstrings figures in my backpack, I didn't want them to get wet. I kept my Rainbow Dash figure in my pocket because she is my favorite pony and was my first figure. I also put up my umbrella. I began to walk home when the wind started to blow, so I decided to stop in the park. I sat under a tree, then it happened, I got struck by lightning and fell into a coma.
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Back in Equestria, Rainbow Dash was doing some daily tactics. She was clearing the sky while doing some tricks. She did loops and barrel rolls. She cleared the sky in 10 seconds flat. Then she remembered that she had to go visit Rarity to see her dress. She was about to fly to Carousel Boutique when she heard Twilight call to her.
"Hey, Rainbow, could you help me with something?"
"But I have to go see Rarity!"
"Good, can you deliver this book to her, I need to study some unnatural events that have been going on."
Sure, What do you mean by unnatural?"
"I'm not sure, but I'll tell you when I find out."
"Ok, see ya latter."
And after that, Rainbow Dash went to See Rarity.
At Carousel Boutique Rainbow Dash tried on her dress.
"Rarity, it needs to be about 20% cooler."
"Oh, Rainbow, that's what you say about all the dresses I make you."
"Well, it's true."
"Are you saying you don't like my work?"
"No, I'm just saying that it needs to be about 20% cooler."
"HEY! Don't say that Rarity's lovely work is not good the way it is! yelled spike.
"I was just thinking out-loud."
and then Rainbow Dash took off her dress and left.
After that she went to Sugar Cube Corner, she knew Pinkie was on her break. She wanted to play some more pranks. Inside she found Pinkie still working.
"Pinkie, I thought you were on break?"
"I'm not on break for another hour Dashie!"
"Oh, I'll come back then."
and then Dash went to find a place to nap.
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"Dash! What are ya'll doing in ma tree?"
"I'm napping!"
"Ya'll ain't nappin' in ma trees, I have ta buck some apples and I'll buck ya right out of that tree!"
"I'll take my bucking nap where ever I bucking want!"
"OK."
*CRASH*
"You didn't have to bucking buck the tree I was napping in!"
"Yes I did!"
"I have to go see pinkie anyway!"
And with that she left for Sugar Cube Corner again.
When she got to Sugar Cube Corner she saw Scootaloo looking board. When Scootaloo saw Rainbow she sprang up and ran to her.
"Hey, Rainbow Dash, can you tell me the story on how you got your cutie mark again?"
"Sure thing kid, I was in flight scho..."
"Hey Dashie, let's not bore the reader with repeat info they can just get on youtube!" interrupted Pinkie.
"You what?"
"Oopsie, I should have known that you wouldn't know what youtube is!"
"Oookay, so, can we go and pull some pranks now?"
"Sure thing Dashie!" and with that they were off, leaving Scootaloo behind.
"Hey, Pinkie, who should we prank?"
"I've been thinking Dashie, that we can prank Fluttershy if we tone it down alot, alot alot!"
"Ok! Let's go!" and with that, they went to prank fluttershy.
At Fluttershy's cottage they began to set up their prank while Fluttershy was at the market. They put a bucket on top of her door.
"Hey, Pinkie, are you sure we should do this?"
"Why, yes Dashie, Fluttershy is the only one of our friends we haven't pranked, including each other!"
so they waited.
When Fluttershy got back, she stopped for a moment. She thought she heard laughter.
"Is somepony there?"
When she heard no response she walked towards her door. Then she heard more laughter.
"Are you sure nopony is here?"
There was more silence. Then she opened her door and a bucket full of feathers fell on her.
"Ooo, what lovely feathers, did somepony put these here?"
"Pinkie! This prank was supposed to be 20% cooler than any other prank! Why did you put feathers in the bucket?"
"Well DUH, because it is Fluttershy!"
"OK, but what do we tell her?"
"I have an idea. Hey Fluttershy! Do you like the present we left you?"
"EEEEKKKK!!!!!!!!!! Oh, you surprised me Pinkie, did you put these here?"
"Absolutely!"
"Thank you, Pinkie, Thank you, Rainbow."
"YOUR WELCOME!"
"Uh, yeah, your welcome?"
"Hey! Girls!" yelled a lavender mare, "Meet me at the library, I nee to tell you all something!"
"Okie Dokie Lokie!"
"I'll come too."
"Are you coming Dashie?"
"After I do my weather duties!"
"Okie Dokie Lokie, see you latter Dashie!"
And then they went their separate ways.
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At the library, everypony was there except Rainbow Dash.
"Everypony, please be quiet,I need to say something important!"
"Shouldn't we wait for Dashie?"
"No Pinkie, I'll repeat what I say now to her when she gets here."
"Okie Dokie Lokie!"
"While I was doing some magic and reading a book and I felt something. It was a small tingling feeling at first, but then it turned into a tickling feeling all over my body. I looked through all my books, even ones on rainbows I found in my basement. Then I found a book that explains what I felt. It has only happened one time before, when Starswirl the bearded felt it. It means that a portal to another world has been growing bigger. We can't travel through it, but it will make unnatural weather and strange phenomenons. We must be careful."
"Ohh, I love storytime! Can I tell Dashie the story when she gets hear? Can I? Can I? Can I?"
"Sure Pinkie."
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Outside, Rainbow Dash was making it rain while doing tricks. She was doing loops and even a barrel roll. She was having fun. Then she remembered she had to go see Twilight and the others at the library. She began to fly towards it when she got caught in a crosswind. She tumbled around under the clouds and almost got struck by a bolt of lightning. She decided it was time to do some stunt flying when she saw the front door of the library. Then it happened, Rainbow Dash got struck by a penis. NO NO NO! NO! NO! I MEANT TO SAY LIGHTNING! RAINBOW DASH GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING! She started to fall towards the library door, she hit it with a big thud.
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Inside the library all 5 ponies, plus 1 dragon, heard a big thud at the door.
"I'll get it!" yelled Twilight, "It's probably Rainbow!"
She opened the door to find Rainbow Dash laying on the ground, in a coma.
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*Authors note - Penis means Hot Man Banana. I got the idea to put this part in when The BioHazard said penis while i was reading this. I thank him for doing this.
dtlux1
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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My first fanfic, I hope you all like it.
dtlux1
PS: this was my first fanfic, I know it is an overused concept that I happen to like and I know there are many spelling and gramer mistakes, but thanks for the critisism that I will use to make my upcoming fanfic better, it is about Luna sending the mane 6 on a mission and they don't come back after a month. Then Luna sends the background ponies to find them.
Punctuation: You need it.
This will probably come across as being unnecessarily cruel but I need you to understand something. Simply because you can write something, does not mean that you should.
Your story? It has many issues not the least of which sounds like it was written by a 10 year old. I could almost hear it in my head as I was reading it, that strange... stilted kind of reading that some kids have. The metre was frighteningly exact. It's hard to put into words other than it sounds like somebody speaking. every. single. word. as. if. there's. a. pause. after. it. and. not. putting. any. emphasis. on. the. words.
Maybe it was the short sentences like here:
Short little sentences that encapsulate a single thought each but aren't the way that people actually communicate with each other. You are the narrator, you need to tell us this story but you need to be a story teller in order to do it any kind of justice. This means you need to put something into your writing that makes it sound more natural.
Then there's the issue with the dialogue, without rehashing the stilted sound of the narration which is there as well we run into another problem. This problem is "guess who's speaking at any point".
Usually, at some point you would say that somepony said this, or somepony answered that but there's nothing there. And it's just dialogue. There's no supporting information, these ponies are just talking to each other, give some descriptions as to what is happening when they're talking.
"Hey, Rainbow, could you help me with something?" Twilight asked as she looked through a stack of books.
"But I have to go see Rarity!" Rainbow Dash complained. She didn't necessarily mind helping Twilight but the little egghead always wanted her to do these weird experiments.
"Good, can you deliver this book to her? I'd do it myself but I need to study some unnatural events that have been going on."
Sure, What do you mean by unnatural?" Rainbow Dash asked, a little curious as to what Twilight could be talking about.
"Unnatural as in not natural. To tell you the truth I'm not sure, but I'll tell you when I find out."
"Ok, see ya latter." Rainbow Dash said as she took the book and made her way to Rarity's boutique.
See? Suddenly you have not only explanations of what the characters are feeling but it gives motivation and a reason for these characters to act and respond the way they do.
As for the rest, I dislike Brony in Equestria stories especially the ones that are bullied in real life then find happiness in Equestria. It's been done a thousand times before and it comes off as cheap self-insertion. I'd recommend changing your character from a brony to a regular guy but give him something else to make him an outsider if you feel this is important to the plot.
1411717 I have nothing more to add to that, except that, Mr. Author, please do not put "this is my first fanfic" in the description. No one really cares, it's not an excuse for poor writing, and is more likely to get you more criticism than if you hadn't written it.
There is now a small child in my head reading this story to me. GET HIM OUT!
1409223
No, I don't. It's an overused idea that you bring nothing fresh to. Downvote, didn't read.
Arrgh! The only reason I comes to this fic is for the cute picture of Derpy dressed as Link.
Derpy is best pony and I'll kill any scallywag that say otherwise!
The Crimson Brony did not care for the story.
Yaargh! The Crimson Brony has spoken!
1416553 Thank you, you are the first person not to hate this, many people hate it because it is another human in equestria story, I happen to love human in equestria stories! I thankyou and am glad you enjoyed,
dtlux1
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/003/194/001.jpg mfw this story
Who the hell carries pony figures everywhere they go? Not even the extreme ponyfags would do that. Anyway, this story is nothing new, come up with something more original, fics like these are almost as bad as conversion bureau fics.
1424842 I carry pony figures where ever I go, I know it is dumb and embarasing to do but I do anyway, and I am working on a fanfic right now where the mane 6 get saved by background ponies.
dtlux1
1418640
No I think most people don't like the pacing, grammar, spelling and just plain bad story. The fact that this type of story has been made who knows how many times adds insult to injury.
1412288 And yet CoD is one of the most famous games!
1767618 Thank for faving, I am working on another story right now if you want to know, it is in an editing stage, here is a blog of the unedited chapter. link.
dtlux1
1411145>>1411717>>1411771>>1411857>>1413359>>1439674>>1443016>>1767618 I had somepony edit it if you wanna re read it.
1416547>>1424842 This story now has no grammer and spelling errors, if you want.
dtlux1
I am going to tell you about something magical. A secret passed down from author to author that has the power to completely change the very fabric of reality. Every time you wrote
, you could have simply written
This witchcraft is known as the digital horizontal text separation device or the horizontal rule. Watch as your writing becomes visually pleasing and people read further than the first scene change.
Now that that's been addressed, there really isn't anything to hook a reader's interest in this story. It is a blatant self-insert and there is no conflct and no character. I'd recomend that you take note of how other authors write, cut down on the references and flesh out your description of events and conversations.
2015973 Writen before that option was put on fimfiction.
dtlux1
2016095
It's quite an old feature. Really old.
Wow, just looking back I can see how much of a brony I used to be and I hate myself. I mean, just read those comments I made.
dtlux1
3593698
Some things never change.
1: Indent paragraphs, preferably using the "Tab" button on the left side of the keyboard, just above "Caps Lock"
2: Give the human character and his world some background. Who is this other kid and why doesn't he hang out with him/her? What makes his neighborhood bad?
3: Use the horizontal rule tag like NobodyPro suggested to change scenes.
4: When switching to another character, create a new paragraph and give the character an action before or after the dialog, for example
5: Your first story shouldn't be a HiE, much less one that screams self-insert. My biggest gripe about them is that the human doesn't have a back story, ends up teleported to Equestria under dubious circumstances and the human is a Mary Sue.
6: Don't pick out a cover picture if you can't find something relevant to your story.
That said, I'm not going to dislike this story, nor am I going to like it. I'll reserve my judgment until these changes are applied.
4523917 The last time I worked on this story was about 2 or 3 years ago. I may edit it, or it may just sit here like this. I will try to use these sugestions if I do edit it again though. Thanks.
lh5.googleusercontent.com/U3WCEN-yTIDLTFL66ZNfamRRdtQLMYzyrw16Wc11Zp-05Vx02gceW0p2Tr45evNjApbphx2ALVx7q4faBqexcQfri7lGKCJ6QfWa2Jcz_Ck0
4687883 I agree with you.