- Member Since 22nd Oct, 2023
- offline last seen January 20th
Mushroom heart
Hello, Everypony! My name is Mushroom Heart and I am new to FiMfiction! I do crossovers of Cars, Planes, and other MLP crossovers. Such as: Disney Pixar's movies/or shows.
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I'm always happy to see more Supernatural OctaScratch. But this could use a lot of revision in terms of words seemingly missing, redundant words effectively describing the same thing three times: specifically this one.
You had it at mossy green grass my dude. There are some uses of past tense which should be present tense. I'm pretty sure Everfree was probably autocorrected to Evergreen in there btw XD, it happens to the best of us. There are also some places where the repetition of a word or two gets annoying, particularly the word 'she' starting so many sentences again and again and again right after each other. That sort of She at the beginning of every sentence is something I wouldn't let passed the 'this is what this person is supposed to be doing and this next' draft. There is also the common for newer writers issue of going into an uncomfortable long rant of what a character looks like or is dressed in all at once. Its better to leave the describing of someone's appearance to piece by piece in little snippets that are mixed in with the particular character's actions. Example: Octavia's grey hoof stretched to reach the cookie jar, her purple eyes gleaming with delight at the anticipation of the delicious treat. Sounds a lot smoother and less monotone then just describing every little detail of what she looks like and what she's wearing in one giant sentence or paragraph. Lastly, I don't think Voron would have been known for killing specifically in Ponyville, dude would have noticed Vinyl a long time ago if so. Despite these issues, I still would like to see where this may be driven in terms of plot. So happy writing onward my friend. Can't wait to see more.
As much as I enjoyed the original ending to the story, I am excited to see where this goes, and I hope Scribbler will have positive thoughts if she sees this too.