Live every day like it's April Fool's Day. You'll smile a lot more. -Somepony
"I just don't see how it could be anything else..."
"My mom and dad, and even my older sister... they got their Marks early on in their studies. Symbols of their destiny as powerful mages. But not me. I've been at it for years, but no matter how hard I try, or how much I learn, or how far my skills improve, I'm still..."
"Maybe if I just give it a little more... just learn one more spell... then I'll finally be good enough."
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hmm, not a bad introduction, but it was a little overwhelming with so many characters. There's a reason Friendship is Magic had 2 mains as like the entire first 5 minutes, this Nameless Purple Bookworm especially was a distraction here as she matters none at all to the story, but seems like the main character in the first few paragraphs.
Starting with an actual explosion I think is decent at least, it really introduces a conflict fast.
We're not very far in, but I will note that it's seeming like the setup is taking a while here, and the initial strong conflict really fell off. Also, I'm no great writer myself, but my advice going forward is that you should focus less on telling us how characters feel, and more on making dialog be conflict that implies how they feel in what the conflict is about (clashing views coming to a head).
Basically, if you want to really show how characters are different, have them butt heads (even literally!) a little instead of just agree to disagree; this can be hard with two characters just meeting, but often that can be resolved with circumstance, like here how Nova and Trip are worried about Trip's survival in this dangerous place; in a circumstance like this, it makes perfect sense for Nova to be a little harsh to the pony who could die, shoving them around and yelling a bit, while still having Nova show kindness too to not just push Trip away.
To use an example, here's how I'd change this interaction where Trip and Nova seem to be in conflict (additions,
removals):Note that I still have Trip here not really saying much bluntly, and laughing things off. This is because it seems to me like Trip wants to avoid the conflict, but even that laugh with its nervous tone gives us a glimpse into how Trip feels differently than Nova about the situation.
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The idea was for people to think the bookworm pony was actually Twilight, then people get to the credits and... I don't know, I thought it was funny at the time. Guess that's why it's Chapter 0. Just getting names and faces established, and wasted too much time on a joke that didn't really land
I've been focusing on trying to describe body language more, and kinda forgot about polishing the dialogue. Definitely going to take the time to have characters talk more in following chapters, and take greater care with how they talk. Feels like cheating to edit what's already there, though.
It really means a lot to have some genuine criticism like this. It's my first time ever actually writing something, so I really appreciate the honesty without the sharp edges, if you know what I mean.
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I was indeed briefly misdirected when reading, and did realize the idea behind it on seeing the end of the chapter. This kind of prank on the audience can work, but it's tricky, and not something I'd recommend for a beginning writer, and requires a solid punchline to be funny, which is lacking here (the punchline comes at the chapter's end, but it's just an "oh, okay then", so not solid). Basically, I think it would've been utterly hilarious if that pony exploded herself to bits of ash trying a dangerous spell no unicorn's ever successfully cast before, and Amber Sage just chugged a whole cup of coffee while assigning somepony else to deal with the situation and marching upstairs to find out whether her daughter had managed not to do the same. There's other ways it could be funny with less...intense approaches, like ones leaving the character totally fine, I'm sure, but the point of that being my first thought is that with an audience prank of a character they think will go on to be the protagonist not, you really want to leave no doubt immediately, or else you've got the issue of distracting the audience with overthinking (I actually was thinking while reading that this was some kind of AU).
As to editing what's already published, it's important to realize that new readers will generally start your story from the first chapter, so having a bad start can throw a lot of them off, no matter how good new chapters are. And frankly, the nature of FiMfiction is most people don't read past the first few chapters unless they're really good. The only pitfalls are that changing something plot-important can really mess up people who've already read the chapter, and it can be easy to get stuck in revising over and over; I recommend just trying to stick to basic tweaks that improve things and that many would even not notice consciously if they reread.
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I can tone down the "Twilight-ness" of that character, and reduce it to a more natural interaction. I definitely want it to start with something relatively normal happening, then being interrupted by the sound of the candle bursting. I don't want to make that interaction boring either, though. Maybe put more of the attention on Amber being busy, and adding to the stress of needing to deal with her daughter breaking things again. Make it more clear which of the characters they should be paying attention to.