He's a Vampire

by Gormless Wheaton

Ghoul in the Garrison

"Prince Peter, it is six o'clock!" Frill announced from the library door. By the time she called, I was already back in my body.

"Thank you, Frill," I called back, rising from my chair. "Is Quilt awake yet?"

"Oh no," Frill said with a polite shake of her head, causing her braids to flop about regardless. "She asked me to let her sleep until seven, at least." She scrunched her snout and gently kicked the rug.

"I'm worried she's taking advantage of your generosity, Prince," she looked me in the eyes with genuine concern. "Letting her take your room.. And her friend Cozy says the most awful things about you!" I gently patted her on the head and gave an assuring smile.

"It's fine, little lady. Let's go find Graggle," she smiled and curtsied as we left the room.

Things had flown by in a whirlwind since Graggle and I arrived at Ramstead, followed by Twitch, Latch and his brothers. These last four had requested to attend me, and Graggle had vouched for them.

Just like Briefs had said, the castle had been vacant for years and needed a spring cleaning. Fortunately, as Graggle explained, Equestrian architecture was often enchanted, so aside from the occasional cracked window pane, the need for repairs was practically zero. I was glad to discover that because, besides the fact it meant less work, I could get a look at the place in its full glory.

The walls and battlements rose along the shape of the hill peak, giving the air that it had been carved from an older spire of natural stone and earth, adding to its imposing aura. Despite having four roads leading up the hill, it had only one gate in the forward wall, facing east towards Equestria and the rising sun.

"Laugh it up, bitch," I remember thinking of the princess when we discovered this orientation.

Passing through the gate, I was disappointed by the lack of murder holes or other common defenses found in castles but decided to let it slide when I got a look at the keep.

It shot up like three gothic towers of differing heights, lined with looming, thick pane windows and exterior stone walkways spiraling up their length and framed in the moonlight to look absolutely sinister. To the concern of Graggle and company, I'd thrown my hands in the air and cackled with joy. Turning into an undead monster and getting dumped in god knows where were suddenly all justified, at least for now.

I was a god damned vampire in a god damned vampire castle.

We spent the first night clearing out space for ourselves and our staff, who'd be arriving in the morning. I'd fruitlessly tried to remain awake, so three hours after sunrise, Graggle was left in charge while I collapsed on my new bed. Whoever previously commanded this place must've been pretty important, as their bed was large enough for me.

Drifting around as a ghost, I got a unique and fulfilling tour of the place. The Equestrian withdrawal must have been rushed, because the armory, library, and even the larder were still stocked, though everything in the latter place was beyond rotten. But the real discovery came when I'd passed through the wall of what I'd decided would be my throne room near the entrance and found a hidden vault.

Also still stocked.

I hadn't even seen any of the money Sheep or anyone else used by this point, but there was no denying the value of the coins, gems, and bars piled in that room.

What in the world would compel Celestia to just ditch all this? She could fly and use magic, so surely some kind of repossession was possible?

Well, finder's keepers! All I had to do was figure out where the door was hidden outside.

Still, my worries and reservations about my situation were rapidly shrinking before the boons I was now stumbling into. And this was only the first night!

About an hour and half after I discovered the vault the staff arrived.

A total of ten Sheep, seven ewes to three rams, followed by a train of supplies hauled by Diamond Dogs, rolled through the gate, overseen by Silk from the Ruffleton town council. While the supplies were unloaded and prepped for distribution, I took note of the Sheep who would be working for me.

Of course, Quilt and Frill were present, the latter looking much more engaged with the prospect of working at the castle, while the former noticed me spying on them and slung a few insults my way.

As for the other eight, I only recognized one as she came up the hill: A steely-eyed Cozy, straining under a bulging saddlebag that gave me chills.

"When she heard I was coming to the castle, presumably under duress, she had me help her dig up some lore about monsters." Quilt later informed me. "So she might've figured out a few nonlethal tools to pester you with, which she thinks are lethal."

"I had plenty of time to help last night, too! Since you gave me that lovely 'just wants to be his bashful maid' excuse that Briefs told everywooly."

Thinking on that, as Frill and I continued our walk, I whipped about and caught the crossbow bolt shot at my back.

"HAH!" I yelled, hurling the garlic-poisoned bolt back down the hall.

"Eep!" Cozy cried as she fled into the shadows.

"What was that?!" Frill squealed, having failed to see my assailant.

"Just a little training exercise, that's all," I cackled, nudging her gently before carrying on. It wasn't entirely a lie, either. While the bolt would've only been incredibly painful, that was enough motivation to keep my guard up.

My guard came in the form of something Quilt taught me, called the Evil Eye. Undead and demons, being only tangentially corporeal, are more sensitive to intent and emotions. So, by focusing on a subject's name and face, they gain a form of precognition about that person. Where they are, how they feel, and what they're about to do.

All very useful for thwarting Cozy's attempts on my life when matched with my sharper senses and physical power. Not that anything she's tried has been life-threatening, more like annoying pranks, but still.

It was lots of fun and good exercise to casually avoid her buckets of sawdust, garlic butter water balloons, and extra polished mirrors thrown at my face and then to watch her flee to some hidden corner of the castle, swearing revenge under her breath. The little lady was persistent and kitted out.

The Evil Eye was only one of the things I'd convinced Quilt to educate me on after her first day here.

She'd laughed in my face when I asked about some of the vampire weaknesses I had in my journal, quite literally climbing onto my lap to laugh even harder at me when I asked about having to stop and count grains of rice.

Running water was legit, however. If a vampire tried to ford or fly over a natural river or the ocean, they'd collapse helplessly into the current and get carried away.

The topic of flight piqued my interest, and she confirmed it was the same power that let me snap up to my feet with more exertion.

The last thing she was willing to talk about before demanding I practice everything she'd divulged was mesmerization. If I could snare someone's gaze with my own, I could hypnotize them. The strength and longevity of this spell depended on the victim's strength of will, and she warned that individuals of substantial willpower might be outright immune.

I'd practiced on Twitch and found that physically drawing his eyes with a beckoning hand helped me pull the trick off. So maybe Lugosi was on to something after all. She failed to explain how to break the spell, so poor Twitch was left mindlessly wandering the castle for an hour. He said it brought him an ethereal sense of peace.

Properly flying was rough, but by sunrise, I could lounge a few feet in the air with no issue. The Evil Eye, meanwhile, was easier to pull off than I'd thought. Once I'd anticipated a knife Quilt threw at the back of my head and thwarted Cozy's first assassination attempt to rescue her friend from the depths of my chamber, Quilt seemed satisfied before she stole my bed, which she claimed as payment for her help.

Before retiring to the library, I'd penned everything down and agreed to have Quilt's cleaning duties handed to someone else. Primarily so she could rest and we could continue training tonight.

Frill and I passed only a few other Sheep as we traveled, namely Bonnet and Knit, who had agreed to join the night shift with Frill, Quilt, and Cozy. The entire castle was now working round the clock, with Graggle leading affairs in the day, and me handling things at night, aided by even teams of Sheep and Diamond Dogs.

That isn't to say much had happened, but it was only our second night now. The worst we'd had to deal with was cleaning the larder and breaking into the vault. As it turned out, Diamond Dogs were naturally talented at digging. We found Graggle in the throneless throne room tallying up our newfound finances, neatly piled around him. His eyes bulged more than usual, and the abacus he'd pinched from Briefs' office clacked at monstrous speed.

"How's it look, ol' top?" I called. His drooling, feral expression when he snapped up at us earned a yelp from Frill, who cowered in my cape.

"Good," he said, almost imperceptibly quiet. "Three time me run math."

Oh.

"You good buddy?" I ask, slowly approaching.

"Good. Many money."

"Wonderful. How about you hit the sack and tell me about it in the morning?" I encouraged, gently propping him up. He wordlessly shambled away, dragging his feet as he went. Frill peeked out from my cloak at him.

"I think that's a good sign, Peter," I patted her head and looked over the pile just as Twitch popped up from behind it.

"Graggle do this before he go crazy," he handed me a roughly handled scroll, bearing Graggle's notes and number conversions.

"That's a lot of zeroes," I whistled.

"What are you going to do with it all?" Frill asked, looking longingly at a necklace. Her question did give me pause. Dad had imparted a very frugal lifestyle upon me, and now that I didn't need food, had kick-ass magic to play with, and a free castle, what did I really want or need?

"Well, for starters," I slipped the necklace she'd been looking at onto her, earning a shocked gasp. "Second, once Graggle's calmed down tomorrow, we'll see what needs doing in Woollachia and can finance it with this. Fix up those roads and the like." I looked at Twitch.

"Plus, this'll kick start something I hadn't had a chance to worry about. Getting you boys and these ladies paid," Twitch gawped at my assertion.

"You share gold? Why?"

"Pragmatism," I said with a wink. "For now, though, let's get this all back in the vault."

"You will not lay a single claw on that treasure," came a posh voice from the doorway.

"Says who?" I called, looking to the source. In came marching a white horse, about the size of a large Sheep, with a blonde mane and a horn of all things. He was dressed in a very fancy-looking uniform and was followed by an armored team of twelve other horses of all colors, carrying spears. None of the others had horns, but one of the females had wings. I was about to demand how they'd gotten inside when I added up that they outnumbered my dogs and were all armed.

"Prince Blueblood of Equestria, nephew and representative of Princess Celestia, sovereign ruler of Equestria and Woollachia, that's who," Blondie declared with a sneer. Yikes.

"Quilt, wake up. We got problems." I mentally screamed, receiving a groan in response. Blondie took a few steps forward, sizing me up.

"So, this is the so-called prince?" he wondered with a snort. "Where do you find the gall to attempt this brazen theft and insurrection?" Fucking aces. I can act fancy too, bitch.

"Frill? Twitch? Please inform the night staff we have guests and prepare a meal for them," I ordered with a sweep of my arm. The two scampered out, and I approached Blueblood. His guards looked at me with a mix of dread and defiance, whereas he held only contempt in his expression.

"Welcome to my home, Prince Blueblood," I said with a bow. "Please, let's find somewhere more comfortable to discuss what I suspect is a vast misunderstanding."

"Very little to discuss! And the only misunderstanding is yours. However, I have had quite a challenging evening. That ewe in Threadbare was insufferable!" He said with a huff.

---

"I understand your concern, but if the Princess feels we are out of line, she is welcome to-" Lace attempted again before Blueblood stamped a hoof. Again.

"Princess Celestia needn't make an appearance for her authority to be felt or respected. Agents such as myself are more than sufficient to execute her will," he leaned on her desk and gave her a suave smile. "Now! I know memory is difficult for your kind, but I believe if you try hard enough, you can point me right to the tramp behind all this nonsense."

Lace studied him dryly before a ditzy smile spread across her face.

"Oopsie Daisy, my mistake!" She said in a bubbly titter, skipping to her window and pointing to the castle in the distance. "Right up there! I think.. oh gosh.. Anyhoo, he should be awake when you arrive! And I'm sure he'd love to have you for dinner!"

---

"She had a point, however. The least you can do in compensation is supply me with a decent meal," the prince declared. The most decorated of his guards stepped up.

"Prince Blueblood, we-"

"Yes, yes, Captain Line Holder! And my help as well!" He added, waving off his guard. The captain reluctantly returned to his group with a glance my way before I led their party to what we had selected as the dining area.

"Pardon the mess. We only just arrived and are still tidying up the place," I informed him, noting his disgusted sneer at everything. He said nothing, but I could hear his guards whispering.

"So, this guy's definitely a vampire, right?" A blue one asked.

"That'd be cool.." Another said.

"Hush! Vampires aren't real," the winged mare next to the captain chided. "I think.."

"What other creature dresses like that and lives in a place like this?" Bluey asked again.

"Princess Luna?" The red one tossed in. The others hummed in consideration, but I could feel them eying me with dread. I pulled open the dining room doors and found the Sheep and dogs quickly setting the tables which formed a lovely frame from near the door to the far wall.

"Please give us just a few minutes! Your supper will be ready soon!" Frill called to us from the kitchen door.

"Is this.." I looked to Blueblood, who wore an expression of disbelief. "Is this really your idea of hosting a guest? This place is horrendous!"

I looked over the room. We'd made a special effort to relocate the nicer tables here, and this was, thanks to Frill's hard work, the cleanest public room in the castle. Mulch had even polished the chandelier and replaced its candles, casting the admittedly sparsely decorated room in a warm, comforting glow.

"This is fine for the commoner or the help, but honestly! If you're going to pretend and usurp, you should at least be able to look the part, not present me filth and declare it preeminent!" he cried with a shake of his head. Frill looked at the ground in shame, and Mulch fled the room weeping.

"Okie dokie, we're gonna see how blue your blood really is," I thought.

"If you kill him, Celestia will come incinerate you," Quilt called. "But I got an idea. Bring him to my room to find out if backup's coming."

"You mean, bring him to my room?"

"Literally what I said? Just trust me."

"Why Prince Blueblood!" I said with false shock. "I would never dream of subjecting you to anything less than the utmost of my hospitality! I merely wanted to offer your guests their place first! So that we may tend to your needs and concerns unbothered and alone."

"Oh! Well, you should have said so," Blueblood laughed. "Lead on, then!"

"Prince Blueblo-" the captain tried to speak, but I leaned in.

"Please, I insist," I swept an arm to the table. The captain looked up at me with his ears pressed firmly against his helmet before yielding, followed closely by his team. Closing the doors behind them, I led Blueblood to where Quilt was waiting.

I was shocked to discover the room looking positively stellar, with carefully prepared flower arrangements, fine art, and a brilliant chandelier overhanging a fancy little dining arrangement. In short, it looked nothing like the room she'd stolen from me, and I had no idea where she'd gotten any of it, save the wine at the table. Quilt stood with a demure smile in an actual maid's dress. Blueblood hummed as he appraised the room.

"Better.. Ah, but I suppose I can't be too critical. You are only a pretender governing Sheep, after all," he took his seat and sighed.

"So, Prince Blueblood," I began, standing nearby as Quilt poured him a glass of wine. "You said you represent Princess Celestia of Equestria?"

"I am also her nephew, yes," he said, taking an experimental sip of his wine before grimacing and spitting it onto the floor. I almost didn't notice the glass was levitating. "Terrible. Clean that."

Quilt curtsied and fetched a cloth. Blueblood cleared his throat.

"Of course, news of your treacherous activities hasn't reached her yet," he revealed with a smug sneer. "I intended to allow you to surrender to my authority first. Your reverence so far has convinced me I made the proper decision."

Well, well, well.

"She doesn't know about me?"

"Why would she?" He said with a laugh. "No, I was only in Braygo Pass investigating rumors of the forest losing its curse when I learned of you. She doesn't even know I'm in Woollachia." I laughed in relief.

"Oh boy, we thought you were the vanguard of an invasion or something. Turns out you're just a zealous dumbass." His jaw dropped before getting slapped in the head with a wet rag.

"Scruff you! Mesmerize this chump!" Quilt snarled. The pleasant scenery vanished with a shimmer, melting away and flowing back to her bell. She looked frayed and worn out, with wool flared out in sharp tufts and thick bags under her eyes.

"How dare you!" Blueblood shrieked, leaping from his seat and shaking his soaking mane. "My aunty will have you both in chains, you filthy grazer!"

"Very well, Prince Blueblood," I drew myself up and loomed over him, channeling my best Lugosi. He was unimpressed. "But first, you must know! There are factors and elements at play you cannot even fathom."

"Such as?" He demanded with a defiant glint in his eye. I raised my hand, framing our line of sight.

"Look into my eyes," I demanded.

"Alright!" He obeyed with a glare, taking a step forward as if it was a challenge.

"You are getting slee-" WHAM

He collapsed onto the floor immediately, quietly snoring all the while.

"Oh"

"Awesome, he's an imbecile!" Quilt declared, inspecting him closer. "Mm, y'know everything aside? He's kinda cute.. Let me have him!"

"Silence, familiar! I must put him to a purpose.."

"What is that voice, and WHAT did you call me?" Ignoring her, I planned my commands carefully.

"Blueblood! Awaken and hear me! The voice of your MASTER!" He snorted, shaking himself to his hooves, and looked up at me with adoration.

"Oh yes, Master! What is it? Command me! USE me!" He shrieked and threw himself at my feet, leaving me gobsmacked.

"Woof," Quilt said with a blush. I rubbed my eyes.

"Reel it in, moron," I dragged him back to his hooves. I thrust a commanding finger at him. "You will return to your dear Aunt Celestia! You will assure her everything is good and well in Trotsylvania! You will say nothing to her of your time in Woollachia, and if your guards say otherwise, you will say they merely got spooked by the local stories and superstitions!"

"Then you will come back and be a slave for the cute ewe on my left!" Quilt butt-in mentally.

"Then you will come back and- Ignore that! Do you understand?" I demanded, narrowing my eyes.

"Yes, of course, Master!" He affirmed with adoration in his eyes.

"Excellent! Collect your guards and begone!" He bowed deep and galloped down the hall, leaving us to laugh. Once he was gone, I turned to Quilt, who was brushing her wool with a hoof. "You good?"

"Illusions that big take it outta me, especially since I just woke up," she cracked her neck and sighed. "I'm starving, let's go eat."

"What else did Granddad teach you?" I asked as we slipped out the door. She hummed.

"Illusions, rituals, demon lore, uh," she looked at the ceiling as we traveled. "That's about it, and most of the actual magic comes from my bell." She jingled said bell with her hoof as we walked.

"Still, pretty cool," looking up at me, she smiled before humming in realization.

"We need to check that library for spell tomes by the way," she said, her smile turning smug. "Easy ones for babies, though."

"Why's that?" I queried down to her.

"You might be naturally attuned enough to cast spells," she said with a grin.

"Sick."

---

"Where is Prince Blueblood?" Captain Line Holder demanded. Quilt and I looked at each other, then back to the captain. The serving Sheep stood to the side, plates of food carefully balancing on their backs as they waited. Save for Frill, who was consoling Mulch.

"Aren't you his guards?" I asked slowly, with an unsure smile from confusion. His ears snapped back again, and he looked to his fellows.

"He- he was with you.." he muttered, stepping back.

"But you're his guards?" I asked again. A few of them shuddered.

"D-.. Don't you get snide with me, villain!" Captain Holder whimpered. Oh god..

"And technically!" Blue suddenly said. "We- we're Princess Celestia's guards! We were just assigned to the prince while he vacationed in Trotsylvania!" He shot me a smug glare. I blinked.

"Vacationed?" I hissed. He blanched.

"Y-yeah?"

"He wasn't even in Trotsylvania.." I dragged my hand down my face. "On her orders?"

"No? He just heard all the spooky stories, and well.." He whimpered. The whole troop huddled closely together, away from me. I looked at Quilt.

"Think it's too late?"

"Oh hoh, he's long gone buddy," she laughed. A few of them gasped, and I drew my hands over my eyes with a prolonged groan.

"Where- where is Prince Blueblood?" The captain demanded again, much quieter than before. I slowly looked down at him and smiled.

"Look into my eyes!" I hastily demanded as I threw my arm into position. A thrown helmet nailed me in the face.

The captain and his company galloped out of the room screaming, nearly trampling Quilt as they fled, leaving their weapons behind.

"Count Broncola's real!" Blue screamed.

"Eat the lieutenant! She's young and tender!" The captain cried.

"Buck you, Holder!" The winged one shrieked.

"Dear Celestia! Blueblood's DEAD!" Another howled.

We stood in shock as their hooves and screams echoed down the halls in all directions. I finally let my arm drop and noticed one was still in the room. He approached me timidly and removed his helmet.

"Wh-" I tried to speak, but he sat down and threw his head back, presenting his neck with his eyes shut and a serene expression.

"I'm ready," he declared with a sigh.

---

I sat on the dining table, angrily petting Hasty Deference, the happy little pony in my lap who'd surrendered immediately, searching out with my Evil Eye and mentally directing Quilt and the dogs to all the places the guards were hiding.

Hasty was eager to surrender the names of all his fellows, which made spying them out a snap. As it turned out, they had chosen to find hiding places in the castle, so we didn't have much issue rounding them all up.

Blueblood, however, was already tearing through the forest. I rubbed my eyes with a snarl.

"Send someone to alert the other dogs to hunt down and capture Blueblood," I called to Quilt. "I need to redo the hypnosis. On all of them, this time."

"Think we can catch him in time?"

"He's on foot- hoof, whatever. How far could he get?"

---

-Three Days Later-

Canterlot Castle

---

"Everything's good and well in Trotsylvania! And if my guards say otherwise, they just got spooked by the local stories and superstitions!" Blueblood chirped, leaning on the table to catching his breath. Princess Celestia and the rest of the ponies present gave him a puzzled look.

"That's.. wonderful sweetheart. But, I asked what happened to your mane? You look positively ragged," Celestia said with concern, rising from her seat to inspect her nephew closer. He looked like he hadn't slept or bathed in days and had been running the whole time.

"Oh, that's fine! Anyhoo, have to be on my way!" Blueblood turned and made for the door.

"Where are you going?" Cadance called after him.

"Oh! Back to the Master in Woollachia, Cousin Caddy. He needs me there to ignore something! Don't tell Aunty Celestia! She's not supposed to know." Then, with a wink, he galloped out of the room, giggling like a lunatic.

The rest of those in the room, namely the four royal alicorns having a tea party when Blueblood burst in, sat in stunned silence.

"Twilight?" Celestia called with a distant stare.

"On it," Twilight affirmed, finishing her tea before dashing out of the room.

Comments

[Scottish-Otter]

I am quite enjoying this now and honestly, I like the comedic parts in the story as well. He also reminds me of Drac from Hotel Transylvania in terms of personality a lil bit.

[rikithemonk]

11762169

Damn, Mr. White. But I just made garlic bread!

Could you live as a vampire if you knew you could no longer have garlic bread/Texas toast?
I think that might just break me.

Monk
"9 P.M. Groaning, I pushed myself from my chair, grabbing my magic staff- in case there would be some vengeful midgets- I walked to the front of the door," -SoothingCoffee

[Gormless Wheaton]

11763088
Glad you're still having fun.

Peter being a dork is one of the only reasons this story happened. The original Peter when I first envisioned the story was a power hungry bastard, and the story had a war as its focus. I quickly learned that I didn't enjoy writing him however, so I redid the whole thing with him being more sincere, to his detriment.

Those original personality traits have been relocated to another part of the story where I can get more use out of them, but current Peter absolutely is at risk of doing one of these

[Gormless Wheaton]

11763477
It's called the curse of vampirism for a reason.

[rikithemonk]

11763842
I'm going to miss the blank stare.

Wizard.

(seriously there was something about that blank stare .....)

Monk
"Yes, I will eat the Fear Turkey." -Illua _{Taken from us far too soon. Rest in peace you fantastic Author}

[Gormless Wheaton]

11763909
For bringing attention to it, I'm breaking out the bad one.

[rikithemonk]

11763935

For bringing attention to it, I'm breaking out the bad one

Partner said the wizards better. I rather like the idea of the blank stare.

What was your opinion of "Memento Mori?" Scribbler and her crew out did herself on that one. Its less than 20 minutes. You have 20 minutes don't you for what should be an MLP classic horror.

I would quite like your opinion of the moral dilemma the story posts. As a private IM of course.

Monk
“If you can't awe them with knowledge, baffle 'em with bullshit.” -Guardsman_Sparky

[Gormless Wheaton]

11764348
I think you've learned your lesson, so back to the wizard.

Thanks for reminding me. Lengthy thoughts are in your messages.

[Monk With No Name]

Ah classic Celestia.

There’s a problem, throw Twilight at it.

[Poparakelis]

"Oh! Back to the Master in Woollachia, Cousin Caddy. He needs me there to ignore something! Don't tell Aunty Celestia! She's not supposed to know." Then, with a wink, he galloped out of the room, giggling like a lunatic.

What the fuck?

[Shadow-Dancer]

This is great can't wait to see him try and smooth over misunderstandings

[Thousand_Son_Sorcerer]

" Okie dokie, we're gonna see how blue your blood really is ," I thought.

I sentiment many share.

"Oh yes, Master! What is it? Command me! USE me!" He shrieked and threw himself at my feet, leaving me gobsmacked.

"Woof," Quilt said with a blush. I rubbed my eyes.

I AM DIEYING! Hilarious. Slaanesh would be very interested with Quilt. Down lamb!

[MurderP0n7]

"Oh! Back to the Master in Woollachia, Cousin Caddy. He needs me there to ignore something! Don't tell Aunty Celestia! She's not supposed to know." Then, with a wink, he galloped out of the room, giggling like a lunatic.

damn, even hypnotized blueblood is still an imbecile