He's a Vampire

by Gormless Wheaton

Friends of the Freakshow

Briefs sat patiently as his peers ranted and raved at him from within the safety of the salt circle Lace had drawn along the walls of the Threadbare conference room. He gently shuffled his hooves to get more comfortable and sighed.

"'I'm not going to drag you into a war,' that was what your monster said, Briefs," Lace snarled. "Now here we are, on the cusp of a repeat of fifty years ago!"

"Certainly looks that way!" Briefs replied with a smile.

"How can you be so calm?" Doily groused, but she wilted when Briefs leveled his smile at her.

"Because Celestia has been properly accounted for this time," he said evenly, a curious gleam in his eye. "And even if things go sideways, it won't affect us. He'll take the blame."

They'd seen that light in his eyes before. It was the light they all saw when he offered to help them secure their seats in their towns. The same light they saw when they asked what became of their predecessors or rivals, and he told them all was well.

The light that warned you not to ask too many questions. Be brief.

"I see! Glad to hear it," Doily remarked, sweating under his gaze. She would have gladly taken back the last forty years of her time in office solely if it meant he'd stop staring at her.

And eventually, he did.

"Honestly! You young sheep get so excited by the simplest things!" He laughed. "And this silly salt circle! As if we have anything to hide from Prince Peter's eye which I couldn't hide for us?"

He made for the door but stopped and cast his eyes over his peers once again.

"Makes a ram wonder if you've lost faith."

"Faith in the words of a dead ram?" Lace dared to retort to the audible terror of Cap and Doily. Even as Briefs turned to look her in the eye, she held her ground while the other two scrambled away from her.

"Faith that someone who rose from the grave once could do so again."

They held their stare-down for a moment longer before Briefs smiled and left with a tip of his hat. Once he was long gone, Lace collapsed and finally breathed again.

---

That damned sun had finally bent towards the horizon. Celestia was rushing here via chariot, but she was talented enough to perform her duties even on the move.

I was too shaken to give it much thought, anxious or otherwise, and so elected to just wait the remaining hours before the confrontation in peace.

Reclining in my seat in the library, I emptied the mug of sweet red stuff Frill had brought me, my eleventh so far. I could feel it undoing all the damage the sun had done.

Twilight sat opposite me, writing down everything she witnessed.

"That is amazing.." Twilight whispered. "I've read about Nosferatu healing before, but I can't believe I get to see it happen in the flesh!"

"Literally even!" I laughed.

Once her friends were certain I wasn't in pain and would be okay, they'd left to explore the castle with Latch and Mulch as their guides. Despite their empathy, they couldn't stomach watching me move around and talk as a charred corpse. I took no offense, having been relieved to find I was too weak to accidentally attack and drain their blood. Of course, Twilight also put my mind at ease when she effortlessly carried me to the library with her magic.

"Oh, that's looking much better, Peter!" Frill declared.

Setting my mug to the side, I looked over myself under the curtain I wore as a makeshift robe. My skin was back but noticeably dry and grey, and I didn't remember being so thin.

Trying to stand, to no avail, I signaled for Frill to refill my mug with a grimace.

"Oh dear!" She said, inspecting the pot she'd been drawing from. "So sorry, Peter! I need to fetch a fresh vessel. Be right back!"

She left the library with the empty pot, leaving us alone. I considered Twilight as she looked over what she'd written with a smile.

"So, how much do you know about vampires?"

"Oh! Not as much as Princess Celestia, but there aren't that many books on them outside of Woollachia," she explained without looking up. "Well, except for fiction, but even those aren't super popular anymore."

I hummed at her words, and she set aside her papers to look at me.

"Though, everything we do have on vampires is so far pretty accurate!" She said with a big smile. "I immediately recognized you were in your stupor when you first talked to us."

"Is that what it's called?" She nodded in response. "So, what about how they're made?" She screwed her face up as she thought.

"Hm.. If I remember right.. The first vampire was a Negative Energy Lifeform from Tartarus, summoned up by Grogar in prehistory," she explained. As if sensing my impending question, she continued. "Grogar was a villain of ancient times. He was responsible for most of the monsters still troubling the world today."

"Hm, fine, fine," I scratched my chin before it hit me. "That's the second time I've heard the term 'Negative Energy Lifeform.' What does that mean?" She beamed again, apparently enjoying an opportunity to discuss the subject with me.

"Negative Energy Life means any creature group whose numbers never increase, except by stealing from other creature groups," she said as if reciting from a textbook. "In this way, they subtract from the universe, reducing what is a constant, a zero state if you will, to a less-than-zero state. Even if they're hunted to extinction, in a cosmic harmonic sense, the universe doesn't suffer loss, only being back set to a zero state. So! Negative Energy Life."

I felt immense guilt for my bewilderment in the face of her sincerity in explaining all this.

"Sounds pretty serious," I finally said. That was the right answer, as she nodded.

"It sure is! It's also why you being so friendly is so amazing!" She clapped her hooves. "A naturally entropic creature negotiating to sate its dark desires, rather than just stealing for them? Using it's powers for good? Defending the innocent and trying to mitigate the effects of its existence?" She squealed with glee and swept up her papers again, frantically adding to their contents, just as Frill returned with a fresh jug of blood.

As she filled my mug, another point of the conversation hit me.

"So, if it's strange that I'm, well, reasonable, what're other vampires like?"

"Never met one personally, but all the books I read suggest they're almost universally cruel like all the goodness in them got blotted out in the dark magic that built them," her eyes lit up. "Maybe it has something to do with your faulty memory? Maybe, when you were reborn, you slept through whatever process was supposed to indoctrinate you!"
That possibility was overshadowed by a single word she used.

"Reborn?" She tilted her head at my question.

"Well, yeah," she shrugged. "Can't be undead without being dead first, you know?" I blanched and nearly fell from my chair to her and Frill's distress, but waved them away.

That was absolutely true, but hearing it laid out so plainly set me reeling. What in god's name happened that night a week ago?

"Peter?" Twilight called. I blinked.

"It's nothing, just.. been having memory problems," I shook my head, sipping from my mug. "Don't worry."

Frill and Twilight looked at each other before Frill slowly turned to attend her other duties that evening.

"Alright.." Twilight muttered and hummed as she looked over her papers. "So, if you don't mind, I have a few questions for you."

"Shoot."

---

"And this where we dump treasure after vault," Latch explained, gesturing to the neat stacks upon stacks of coins, and piles of gems color-coded and arranged in descending order of value.

The girls cooed in admiration at the chamber, which even in the dim candlelight glittered magically.

"Wait a moment," Rarity began. She looked up at Latch. "He doesn't keep this door locked?" Latch shook his head.

"He give Graggle key, but Graggle never lock," he explained, scratching his chest. "Diamond Dogs no steal from pack, and Peter Boss give gold anyway." He pulled a few coins from his vest pocket in demonstration.

"I didn't know vampires paid their minions," Fluttershy said while being carried by Mulch, who'd sworn an oath to defend her with his life upon meeting her.

"Certainly isn't in any story I've ever read," Rarity added, admiring some of the gems on display.

"That's part of what makes Peter so cool!" Hasty declared with a bright smile. "He's like all the vampire stories, but not evil."

"Exactly! He's not a monster, he's more like a really life-like haunted house decoration!" Pinkie affirmed, erupting from within one of Graggle's coin piles, sending a clattering noise echoing through the hall. "But he can also talk, so you can ask him to stop being so scary if it's too much!"

"I like the sound of that!" Fluttershy beamed before yelping as Mulch, followed by Latch, took off down the hall. "Oh my goodness! What's wrong?"

"WHO HAS DISTURBED THE PILE?!" The voice of Graggle boomed from around a corner opposite the direction the dogs fled. The ponies still present shared a look before galloping after their guides.

---

In the dining room, Sunbeam leaned heavily on her table where her helmet rested, grumbling to herself as her new friend brought a pitcher of juice and filled their glasses.

"I can't believe this! We finally get let out, finally get our stuff back, and we still can't leave!" She sipped at the juice and hummed in delight, before readopting her severe glare. "And now the princess and her friends are getting all chummy with the vampire!"

"I hear you, sister! Everywooly thinks that monster's the best thing since sliced bread, but I know better. I've seen what he's done.."

"You don't think he's got Princess Twilight under his spell, do you?" Sunbeam asked with a gasp.

"It's a possibility.." Her friend said sadly. "Quilt keeps playing his abuse off, and Frill doesn't even think he's evil, so I know he enjoys ensnaring innocent ewes.. and mares, probably." Sunbeam teared up at the thought.

"What should I do.." She whimpered before her friend touched her hoof.

"You said Princess Celestia's coming later, right?"

"Uh-huh! I didn't catch why, but she's already on her way," Sunbeam affirmed.

"Good! No way she'll fall for his tricks," the ewe sipped from her glass before casting an incredulous look. "Buuut.. just in case, you want to go talk vampire hunting tricks with me? My room's warded with garlic!"

Sunbeam tilted her head but smiled.

"That sounds fun!" She clapped her hooves, before extending one for a hoof shake. "I'm Sunbeam, by the way."

"I'm Cozy! Pleased to meet somewooly sane!" Her friend said, shaking hooves.

---

The Master had been gone for hours, leaving Blueblood alone in the vault.

"He must be furious.. I can't say I blame him! How could Aunty booby-trap the sun like that?" He muttered as he paced the room. "And sending Twilight and her friends to intimidate him! I had no idea she could be so devious.."

He came to a stop and bit his hoof.

"Even the Master wasn't prepared! She scared him so bad he was ready to send me away just to placate her!" He growled. Granted, his thoughts had been clearer since the Master attempted to dismiss him, but that was only a sure sign he had to redouble his efforts to appease the Master.

He sat down on the floor with a hum, rubbing his chin.

"She's on her way now.. Must be planning to finish the job after trying to have me do her dirty work!" He stamped his hooves together with that realization. "Well! We'll just see about that, won't we?"

Throwing his magic at the vault door, he pulled it open and snuck out into the castle. He had his orders, but the safety of the Master was more important.

Creeping along the halls, he realized he had no real idea what to do. He was outnumbered, overmatched in magic, and the Master was injured.

He sat down in despair and sighed miserably until he saw Lieutenant Sunbeam and one of the maids further down the hall. Slipping under the nearby curtain, he waited.

"So if you rub garlic on something sharp, it'll kill him?" The lieutenant asked as she passed Blueblood.

"Well, I dunno for sure yet.." the maid she was with replied. "But that's only cause he keeps dodging or slapping away everything I've thrown at him!"

"Oh hoh! Sounds like the big bad vampire's scared," Sunbeam declared with a sinister laugh as they slipped around a corner. Blueblood emerged from his hiding place with a resolute glare.

"Aunty might be too much, but I'm certain I can stop you two."

---

"I'm just saying 'Evil Eye' makes it sound really... well, evil," Twilight argued. "'The Scrying Eye' is neutral and catchy!"

"It sounding evil is entirely what makes it so cool, though," I countered. She rolled her eyes.

"Did you ever think that maybe your tastes might be a bit skewed?"

"Nah, but then again," I grinned. "I am completely incapable of reflection."

"Well! That's something to-" She stopped dead before leveling an annoyed glare my way. "I'm suddenly tempted to undo all the healing you've just finished." I cackled in response.

"Well, you're certainly looking and sounding worlds better!" We turned to see Rarity entering the library, carrying a package in her magic. I raised my mostly empty mug to her while Twilight hopped down to greet her.

"Is Princess Celestia here?" Twilight asked after they shared a hug.

"Oh no, not yet. But it's almost time, and I came to collect you," Rarity said before turning to me. "We had a run-in with that irritable aid of yours, but the other girls have gone ahead to the throne room to wait for Princess Celestia. I even had a chance to throw this together." She hovered the package into my hands.

"What's this?"

"Are you planning to meet the princess without looking your best?" Rarity asked, gesturing to my lack of clothing. "Of course, it's only something I hastily prepared, but it's better than the literal nothing you're currently working with."

"Well hell, alrighty. Thank you," I said with a smile.

"Language. But you're welcome, darling," She said with a nod before ushering me out with her magic. "Now, run along and make yourself presentable!" I made my way to my room, psychically calling Quilt as I did.

"Quilt, I'm on my way to you. Hang a sheet for me if you don't mind."

"Why?" She asked.

"'Cause unlike you, I have a sense of shame."

"You're gonna have a sense of my teeth clamped on your nose," she snarled. "What's happening though?"

"Princess Celestia will be here soon to fix her dumpy nephew's pea brain," I explained but was met with silence. "Something wrong?"

"The sheet's up," was the last response I got out of her.

---

"What happened to you?" Quilt muttered, seeing me enter the room wrapped in a curtain.

"Blueblood's dumb ass," I replied. "Turns out getting set on fire by the sun also destroys my clothes."

"Oh no! Didn't I mention?" She asked with an insincere gasp. I hummed as I slipped open the package Rarity gave me. Inside was a near-perfect copy of my old tux and cape, made from wool. The colors were a bit more uniform, and the stitch work was more obvious, but damn. She'd even replaced the shoes with some wool slippers.

"Yeah, there's lots of things you forgot to tell me," I slipped behind the makeshift changing screen and dressed. When I emerged, I looked down at Quilt. "For instance, 'I release you from my spell,' and that's all, huh?" I said, mimicking Twilight's earlier explanation for dispelling my mesmerization.

She stared intently at me for half a minute, at least, before sticking her nose in the air.

"I plead 'Oopsie daisies, I'm a 'lil sheep.'" I stood with my hands on my hips, studying her critically before I furrowed my brow.

"Aw shit, and it's a Tuesday. All is forgiven!" I waved and left the room.

"Dang straight!" She called after me. I adjusted my belt and sleeves a few times as I made my way to the throne room. For something she said she just threw together, this suit was-

"Hey, Peter?" Quilt suddenly called through our link.

"What's up?" I replied. Silence was her only response. "Quilt?"

"Don't let her get me."

"I won't, buddy. Just stay in your room."

---

Stepping into the throne room, I saw speaking with Twilight and company in a voice that sounded too musical to be real, the largest pony I'd seen yet, almost as tall as I was.

Like Twilight, she had wings and a horn, but her coat was the purest white I'd ever seen, and her mane was a flowing mass of color like some kind of aurora. Her's was also the first unicorn horn I'd seen that I was confident could be used to stab me to death.

She was the first to notice I'd entered the room and looked up at me with the most genuine smile I'd ever seen as I approached. Twilight and her friends stepped aside as she moved to greet me.

"Hello there," she called. "You must be Prince Peter, correct?"

"Yes, ma'am," I approached with a bow. "Princess Celestia, I assume?"

"That is correct. It's very nice to meet you!" She said in a tone that struck at the heart.

Damn. After all the days of dread-filled pondering, this was nothing short of a shock. She was the nicest, most reassuring person I'd ever met.

"So! You really are a vampire, hm?"

Cripes.

"That obvious?" I said with a wince.

"Yes, even if Twilight hadn't told me, I could tell just by looking at you!" She laughed. "And no, that's not a comment on your choice of wardrobe."

"You-" I gawped. She tilted her head but kept her smile. "You're taking even better than she and her friends did."

"Should I not? You seem very nice for a vampire, especially from what Twilight wrote me," she said sweetly. "And I've known quite a few vampires in my time."

"Uh, thanks?" She smiled brightly. Twilight shot me a smug grin.

"And how is my silly nephew? Twilight explained the situation, but I am curious if he's gotten into any mischief since then," she said with an remorseful expression.

"Yes, I had him wait in the vault until you got here," I gestured to the secret door, before wincing. "I'm really sorry about all this."

"Oh no! Please, I understand!" She shook her head. "He can be a bit overzealous in pursuit of what he sees as slights against his home." I nodded, then hummed in realization.

"On the topic of the vault, there was a lot of-" I tried to begin, but she cut me off to my surprise.

"I am curious though, as it's been many years since I've met a live vampire," she tilted her head again. "Did you awaken within Woollachia?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," I confirmed, folding my arms. Even Twilight seemed a little surprised at her sudden redirection. "About a week ago. Couldn't tell you how I wound up here, though."

"But, and I pray you forgive me, I must make a request," she stepped closer before looking up into my eyes. "Can you show me where you awoke? I'd like to take a look at it before anything else." Something about her gaze made it feel impossible to argue. Was that what mesmerization felt like?

"Sure, I can do that," I confirmed almost immediately. She beamed at me.

"Wonderful. Twilight, we will return soon," Celestia declared to the other ponies. They said their farewells as we made our way outside into the light of the recently risen moon.

Out in the front court, she stopped and turned to me. Despite the relaxing energy the moon had given me in the recent past, I still felt on edge when meeting her eyes.

"Please don't be surprised when I ask this, but we're heading to the mountains, correct?" I blinked, completely unable to hide my astonishment, to her muted amusement.

"Yeah?"

"I suspected as much. That's quite a trip! We'd better hurry." She paced around me for a moment, tugging at my cape with her magic and humming to herself.

"Do you know how to fly?" She asked.

"Still learning. I can turn into smoke for a little bit, though."

"I see. Well!" She knelt on the ground and looked at me expectantly.

"What?" I asked with a shrug.

"I believe the biped and quadruped mesh quite well as rider and mount. It would be much faster, and I know you have limited time. Or am I mistaken?" I gawped at her explanation.

"I just.. You're, like, a person. It's weird." As I muttered, I felt her pull me almost off my feet with her magic.

"Don't be such a baby, come on!" She demanded with a snap of her wings. "You're a big spooky vampire, and I'm just a princess. I won't bite!"

Any further attempts at argument were shot down as quickly as I could bring them up with varying degrees of whining and faux offense, and so we endured an awkward (for me, at least) flight to the cave.

Despite the recency of my time there, memories came crashing back to my mind as we entered the dark cave, her horn providing light as we walked. Memories of Quilt and what I'd done to her. Of course, knowing now that it was part of her plan softened the feeling of guilt, but it still made me wince to think about it.

Trying to take my mind off it, I looked at Celestia as I led us down the corridor. She was studying the crystals and rock formations around us before noticing I was watching and smiling at me.

We soon found the chamber I woke up in, just as I left it. I moved to pick up the coffin lid, but Celestia stepped in front of me, inspecting the walls and the coffin itself as she went.

Moving slowly and deliberately, she eventually peaked inside the coffin and studied it for a hard minute at least.

"Hm, it's been a while since I've had this close a look at something related to a vampire. They were quite a nuisance a few hundred years ago," her wings snapped, and she turned to me. "For instance! Did you know that eight out of ten cases of hauntings are just vampiric sorcerers who were staked, but not destroyed?" She stared at me expectantly despite the silence that followed.

"No?"

"It's true!" She shot me a huge smile before turning back to the coffin. "They use their magic to harass the living, despite being unable to leave where their body lay."

"Oh. Neat!" She hummed in agreement.

"Do you know who summoned you?" She suddenly asked, still studying the interior. I hesitated.

"No? I'm still not sure how any of this happened."

"Are you lying to protect someone from me?" She added to my shock. It wasn't just the fact she'd called me out. It also was her tone when she said it.

Her motherly tone slammed me with this heavy, guilty feeling I hadn't felt since I was a kid and got caught stealing gum from the gas station. My heart sank, and my voice caught in my throat.

But I'm an adult. I knew how to wiggle out from under that kind of pressure.

"I mean.. Okay, I guess?" I threw my hands up once I composed myself. "I just said-"

"I apologize, Peter," she said, turning to face me. "I simply had to be sure. Summoned undead turn vicious when their masters are threatened directly like that. So, forgive me, but that was just a little test." She approached me with a bow.

"Oh. That's.. that's alright," I said after a moment.

"I'm satisfied. Thank you for sharing this with me. We can leave now," she declared, smiling.

I wobbled a little from shock but nodded. As we turned to leave, I stopped and grimaced.

"Do I have to-"

"No no, you big prude. I can teleport us back now," she said with a giggle, gently slapping me with her wing.

---

We walked in silence back to the throne room, where Twilight leaped up to greet us.

"Welcome back! Is everything okay?" She asked as we entered.

"Quite well, yes," Celestia affirmed with a smile before turning to me. "I know we've only just returned, but could you grant us a little privacy? I just need to convey a few details about our journey to Twilight. I'll send that delightful little maid who greeted me to find you when we're ready to handle Blueblood."

"Alrighty. I'll leave you to it then," I smiled and bowed slightly, a gesture she returned, and waved to the others as I walked back through the door.

I swayed left and right, unsure of what to do in the meantime.

"Is she gone?" Quilt psychically called.

"Not yet," I replied. "She still has to fix her nephew, and she's sending Frill to find me when she's ready."

"Can you keep me company till then?" She asked immediately.

---

I took a roundabout route to Quilt that would let me discreetly see if I was being followed. My Evil Eye was quiet, but I had no faith it would even warn me about her.

Not just because she could strike it blind but also because something told me she could hide her intentions even from magic.

When I reached the door, I swept it open and scanned the entire hallway in one motion before sliding inside.

Quilt sat up from her place on the bed and looked at me with dread.

"Hey, it's fine," I said with a smile.

Whoosh

---

Quilt seized up as she looked down at Peter's unconscious form where he fell. Whatever the spell was, it had even knocked his ghost out cold. She was alone now.

With a shudder and a ragged breath, she slowly looked up with fearful tears streaming at the one who'd cast the spell.

Princess Celestia stood with a severe look in her eye as she studied the smaller sheep, horn still smoking from the power she'd unleashed, before stepping over the sleeping Peter, and closing the door behind her.

---

Author's Note:

Comments

[FanOfSun]

Siiiigh... Here we go again

[Poparakelis]

Well... I didn't expect that

[Thousand_Son_Sorcerer]

11777197
I did