• Published 21st Nov 2023
  • 1,573 Views, 188 Comments

He's a Vampire - Gormless Wheaton



'Eternity is wasted on hatred, Mr. Harlow. For try as we might, immortality slips away, and we're left with only our shame.'

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Gentler Waking


Quilt groaned and shifted before opening her eyes. She blinked and looked up at me once she realized she was lying next to me on her bed.

"Hey," I whispered. She stared at me for a moment before looking away.

"Hey," she looked over her shoulder at the curtains, and the minute traces of light visible through them. "Have you been here all night?" I scratched her side and rested my arm under my head.

"Since Celestia got you back to bed, yeah." She winced and curled up.

"Did she.. Say anything?"

"Yeah," I replied. She murmured and buried her face in my shirt. I wrapped my arm around her and hugged her tight. "I'm sorry I wasn't much help." She shuffled and pulled free to set up.

"No, don't-" She moaned and shook her head before hanging it with a sad scowl. "It's fine."

"No, it's not," I sighed and rolled onto my back, dragging my hand over my face. "You needed me, and I wasn't-"

"You left for like five minutes," she groused, laying down with her head resting on my chest. I hugged my arm around her.

"And that was enough." She hummed and nuzzled my chest. Quiet held the room for a minute before I spoke again. "Frill and I were talking about coming back to live in Woollachia." She glanced at me.

"Really?" I looked down to meet her eyes and nodded. "But how're you gonna get blood? And I thought you were worried about everywooly being mad at you?" I scratched her ear.

"I can hunt easily enough, and if they have a problem with me sticking around for you, I'd like to see them try and make me leave." She smiled sadly and leaned into my hand. She blinked and looked around the empty room.

"Where's Frill?"

"Baking you some cookies and cooking you some potatoes," I replied and tilted my head up while sending out my Evil Eye. "In fact." The door gently swung open, and Frill came in, balancing a platter on her back. She hesitated upon seeing Quilt awake before adopting a smile.

"Good afternoon, Quilt."

"Hey," Quilt sat up and shuffled her hooves. She sent a bashful smile Frill's way. "Uhm, thanks for the food. It smells good!" Frill nodded, walked up to the bed, and delicately slipped the tray in front of Quilt.

"Don't worry about cleaning up this time, I'll handle it," Frill said and hopped up on the bed with us. Quilt's ears flopped back, and she stared at her food. Frill hummed and looked at me. "I think Cozy's awake. We should probably let her know Quilt's up too." I nodded and hugged Quilt.

"I'll be right back, alright?" She nodded and gave me a genuine, if sad, smile.


Peter vanished in a flash of red light which Quilt recoiled from. Blinking, she turned her eyes back to the plates before her and then to Frill, who still wore a sad smile.

"Go ahead, you had a pretty rough night," Frill said, nudging the platter. Quilt looked to the side before humming and digging in. Frill folded her forelegs and scanned the room for a moment. "So, how are you doing?" Quilt tilted her head and murmured.

"I dunno. Gran-" She clenched her teeth and eyes and shuddered. She hung her head and breathed hard until Frill reached out and held her hoof. Nodding, she sighed and continued. "Grogar's whole.. everything is still rattling around in my head. I feel like a scruffing moron." Frill hummed and squeezed her hoof.

"It's not like there was much you could have done differently."

"Maybe, but everything Peter's had to go through, him getting turned into a vampire, everything that's happened, it's," she closed her eyes and sighed hard. "It's cause of me. Me and my stupid witchcraft."

"Oh, come on now, that's a stretch," Frill retorted, pulling Quilt into a hug and drawing a squawk out of her. "And that's my ram-friend you're talking about, so I'm glad you summoned him up." Quilt grumbled and struggled out of Frill's grip, who giggled in response. Frill looked down at her hooves for a moment.

"And your magic isn't stupid. You can actually help Peter, after all," she smiled at Quilt and nodded. "So don't be so hard on yourself." Quilt met her eyes and hummed before taking a small bite of her potatoes. A few quiet moments ticked by.

"Y'know, I could show you a few tricks and potions if you want to help Peter, too. You're a pretty good cook, so I think potion craft would be pretty easy for you," Quilt said, looking up at Frill with a smile. Frill blinked and tilted her head.

"You think so?" Quilt nodded earnestly in response before smiling, an expression Frill mirrored.


The moon was visible over Ramstead for the first time in a long while. Celestia and Grogar's spells had utterly shattered my enchantments and scattered the clouds, something I was now somewhat grateful for. The light was putting my mind at ease just like always as I leaned on the low wall of the balcony I found myself on.

"We can work on fixing your cloud cover once we've dealt with Grogar," Celestia said as she stepped out to my side. I looked back at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Not that I don't appreciate it, but I don't think it matters if the castle's suited to me or not anymore." She looked up at the stars with a reserved smile.

"Well, according to Shawl and the others, there's murmuring among the sheep of voting you back in as a guardian of the nation," she turned to me. "Many of the sheep firmly believe what happened in Ruffleton and with Chrysalis would not have happened had you remained." I hummed and shrugged before turning my attention back to the stars.

"I take it all the sheep are getting settled in if they're able to mull over political hoo-ha like that?"

"Yes, luckily. Meaning Graggle can accompany us to Canterlot alongside Ambassador Tangle. Just another step in the long road to destroying Grogar." I nodded and scratched my chin, turning to her when she rested a wing on my back. "How's Quilt?" I smiled.

"Better, I think. She and Frill actually kicked me out," I replied and shook my head. "That hasn't happened in a month at least. So, I think she's feeling at least a little like her old self."

"Wonderful to hear," Celestia beamed and sighed. We stood in silence and watched the stars for a moment before Celestia hummed and I swear I saw an angry grimace on her face for just a moment.

"Everything alright?" She blinked and wore an even stare for a few moments before smiling at me.

"Oh, yes, I just sometimes wish I had an ability as readily available as your Evil Eye," she looked up at the moon with a smug leer. "It would allow me to witness certain things first hoof." I raised an eyebrow and looked up at the moon. I scanned it for a moment before snapping my fingers.

"Speaking of," I said drawing her attention back to me. "You said not to search for Grogar with my Eye, but didn't get a chance to tell me why." She nodded earnestly.

"Yes, of course. You see if you were to spy upon him, you'd run the risk of him controlling you," she declared, causing me to recoil.

"What?"

"It's true. Those special spells I've used on you a few times are imitations of a much more potent series Grogar uses on his creations. I can compel you to speak the truth or to be more agreeable, all of which you'll recognize when it happens," she adopted a more severe expression. "He can change the very contents of your mind, and you'll never realize it. All of this I suspect was his intention before I arrived and demanded his direct attention." My jaw hung open and I held my breath. She gave me a sad smile.

"Unfortunately, that is all part of the territory of being comprised of dark magic, especially since Grogar built such a weakness into you," her smile turned happier and she nudged me with her hoof. "The good news is that while he's spied upon you a few times since he fled, I've countered his spell each time he tried to weave it. He gave up spying on you after the sixth attempt!" She beamed at me. I stared at her in shock and gripped the wall to stay on my feet.

"Thank you, Celestia," I said quietly and evenly. She giggled and pulled me into a hug.

"Think nothing of it, friend," she sighed and looked out over the countryside. "It's interesting actually. He only really started creating monsters with that vulnerability built into them after the First Nosferatu." I shook my head and furrowed my brow.

"The First?" She nodded and her expression fell slightly.

"It was the only monster he produced he never had any genuine control over," she looked off to the side. "My father was fascinated with it for that reason, for Grogar-"

"Feared me." I looked past her, where the First loomed on a separate balcony entirely. "Father feared me and what I could do to him."

"Peter?" I blinked and turned to Celestia, but saw she was staring at the balcony I'd seen the First hovering on. She scanned the air before turning to me with a wide-eyed glare. "Was it here?"

"Yes," I replied. We held each other's gaze for a moment before looking back at the other balcony.


Luna scanned the valley around Canterlot City as she soared, her head stooping like a bird of prey.

"Show yourself," she hissed, letting out a second pulse of magic to feel for Him. But as she circled farther from the castle, Grogar smiled up at her from the garden.

"Go," he whispered. Far to the south, a spark of magic crackled and drew Luna's attention. She wheeled around and shot toward the source as fast as her wings could take her. Grogar chortled as his Evil Eye watched Chrysalis change into an unassuming field mouse just before Luna came crashing down with a roar. Sneering to himself, he quickly turned to smoke and slithered into the castle.

He paid no mind to the shivering maids and guards cowering in small huddles. They'd served their purpose in feeding him and luring the princess outside. And killing them would be an act of pleasure.

He was here on business.

Snaking along the grooves of the tiled floors, he eventually found the door to the dungeon. It was heavily warded, but that didn't matter. Just by glancing at the ethereal membrane that shielded the door, he immediately recognized that the spells were set to warn Celestia. And she was still in Woollachia.

The only problem in his mind was he wouldn't be able to see her face as he broke in. The veil was sliced apart with one gesture and he poured into the narrow corridors of the dungeon, racing ever lower until finally he came to a set of decently furnished cells. In truth, they were so well put together, that they were more like cozy little apartments than prisoners' cells. Suitable for a set of sheep being kept for their own safety.

"What is that?!" Doily cried, jabbing her hoof at Grogar's smoke, and drawing the attention of the other two residents. They looked on in wonder and then abject horror as Grogar slowly reformed.

"Evenin' folks! Grogar here with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!" He swept his head in a bow and leered at Lace with a toothy grin. "Several lifetimes if you act now!"

"Grogar," Cap whispered with a squeak. "Heaven help us." Grogar uttered a long, droning hum and turned to Cap.

"No such luck here," he chortled and walked up to the bars of Cap's cell. "But that's not such a bad thing!" Without missing a step, he walked through the bars, causing them to break apart and clatter around the now-screaming ram.

"See, heaven is for the well-behaved and repentant," he shrugged his shoulder and stepped through the stone wall separating Cap and Lace's cells. Lace backed away as he approached until she pressed against the opposite wall. "What I'm offering is anything but." He circled back and crashed through Lace's bars before magically collapsing the bars from Doily's cell into a single small wad of metal which he hucked to the side hard enough to bury it completely in the wall. He trotted daintily back to the corridor between all their cells as they watched him with dread and curiosity.

"You three fell in with my servant, and he promised you a whole mess of stuff. Now he's dead, so I could say null-and-void, and leave you to rot," he pursed his lips and squinted at the ceiling. "Not that I'm known for keeping bargains my flunkies make for me, but!" He whirled around and pointed a hoof at Doily causing her to squeak and bolt under her bed.

"I am presently far more amused by the idea of taking what I must imagine must be at least mild resentment for your circumstance and turning it into engines of terror." Doily whimpered and covered her eyes as he grinned.

"R-resentment?" Cap repeated, instantly regretting his decision to speak when Grogar's head snapped all the way around to look at him.

"Resentment," he confirmed before humming with a cool smile. Slowly his body slithered around to right itself. "You three had an entire country under you and were primed for so much more. And now look-"

"I'm in," Lace barked. Grogar stumbled and looked up at her with wide eyes. She met his eyes before looking at her two fellows, who stared at her in shock. She rolled her eyes. "You can't tell me you haven't at least thought about it! That vampire just up and topples everything we worked to create! My town gets hoofed over to that oaf. And we get locked up in here!"

"Lace, we were helping bring back Grogar!" Cap cried.

"Looks like he came back anyway," Lace scoffed. Cap recoiled and looked at the monster in question before sheepishly looking away.

"Oh yeah." Doily growled and scurried out from under her bed.

"That doesn't matter! We can't just help him!"

"Sure you can!" Grogar laughed, dragging all three right in front of him. He leaned in a smiled. "Or you can die. But doesn't revenge on an ungrateful populace and a seat in the new world order sound more enriching?"

"Yep," Lace replied, skipping right to Grogar's side who again looked at her in surprise. Then he turned back to the other two, who shivered and collapsed under his gaze, but otherwise refused to move.

"We-" Doily squeaked, hiding behind her hooves and fighting off tears. "We've done enough." Cap shook for a moment before nodding. The pair went still as Grogar laughed darkly.

"Nah, you're just done." His horns crackled with black lightning and he bowed his head at the pair, stopping when he noticed they'd fallen asleep. Blinking, he turned and saw Lace in a similar state. "Wh-" He stumbled.

"Scruff." He charged up his magic and fired a weakened beam into his hoof, which slowly and painfully burned a hole clear through to the stone floor. By the time it pierced all the way through, his eyes were wide and his teeth had clenched until they cracked.

But he was wide awake.

Scooping up his new ally, he slipped into smoke and exploded back the way he came, this time blasting his way out a window. Just as he had done to Celestia, he sent out several decoy trails of smoke to evade Luna's attention, as she was once again circling over the castle, using the moon's light to bathe the entire city and everything in it in a sleeping spell.

Unlike Celestia, he had to dip into the sewers as several of his decoys were immediately skewered by magical spears and destroyed.