• Published 3rd Sep 2023
  • 6,163 Views, 331 Comments

The Crazy Adventures Of Two Siblings Who Hate Each Other In Equestria. - deadpansnarker

You've heard the story before, right? The guy who wakes up as Twilight Sparkle one day in Ponyville and has to adapt.Well what about if his younger sister accompanied him as Spike, and he knows next-to-nothing about the show whilst she's a crazy fan?

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Chapter 2: How it all REALLY started.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, last night…

It was a pretty dull day back on Earth, all things considered. The early autumn winds were beginning to blow the reddened leaves off the trees, and the season of ‘mists and fruitfulness’ was really beginning to get into full swing. Harvest festivals were taking place everywhere, Halloween-related junk was flying off the shelves and Christmas songs were already playing on an endless loop on most local radio stations (a pet peeve of mine).

Not that I cared about any of that distracting nonsense, though. You see, that very morning I’d taken ownership of a long-awaited parcel I’d been chomping at the bit for months since I reserved it way back in the spring. The postman (actually a lady) shoved it in my grimy mitts before leaving without a word, perhaps because she was fed up of me asking her the same inane question every time she visited us for half-a-year after my pre-order.

No matter. This is it. Final Fantasy XVI, here I come. Or is it XVII? Who’s really counting, at this stage? And I can’t read Roman Numerals, anyway. My trembling hands slowly undid the cardboard fasteners of the package, fully prepared as I was to spend the day with just me, my trusty PS4 and hours and hours of top class RPG gaming.

“Oh Darren. Can I have a word with you please?”

Great. I should’ve suspected things were going far too smoothly. I quickly hid the still-unopened parcel behind my back (I don’t know why, purely an instinctual reaction I guess) and said with a long sigh “Come in, Mother.”

Without further ado, the door to my bedroom swung open and there stood my Mum in the threshold, staring down at me with concern (I’m actually a head taller than her, but it doesn’t feel that way sometimes). “I don’t think I like your tone, young man. What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing. Just… tired, that’s all.” This was my stock response to any awkward questions she asked me, along with “It’s just teenage male hormonal problems”. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but I read in a book somewhere that it warded off all potentially difficult parental encounters… and what d’ya know, it worked.

So, I kept using it. Go figure.

“Aw, is my little man still busy burning the midnight oil, hitting those books in preparation for his ‘Big Campus’ move at the end of this month?” I blushed slightly as she brushed some tufts of loose brown fringe off my forehead. “Well don’t work too hard, ‘kay? We want to see some of you before you join your friends at that city university up north…”

‘Friends’? That’s a laugh… I have only one real ‘friend’ in the entire world, and he’s attending a college in the south instead. I couldn’t join him, because my grades simply weren't up to scratch. Also, if she actually knew what I did most evenings instead of studying, I don’t think she’d be half as proud as she sounds now. I just hope she doesn’t have the bright idea of checking my Internet history before I depart.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be down later, and maybe we can do something then.” Lies, all lies. Nothing was going to stop me tonight from sending Cloud into battle against hordes of gigantic mythical beasties. Or Squall. Or… whoever the main character is this time. Just let me get as far as reading the back of the box, please Mother…

“Oh sorry darling, it can’t be tonight. I’ve agreed to take on an extra shift. Poor Mrs Greenback is out with Lyme’s Disease again. Bad for her, but good for me and the extra income it’ll get us, and… Darren Jones, are you even listening to me?”

“...Hmm? Of course I am, Mum. Mrs Green-something is off work for eating too many limes, so you’re going to um, get her some lemons instead, or something.” No, that doesn’t sound right at all. Damn it. Here comes the lecture…

“Oh Darren, what are we going to do with you? I hope you’re going to be more attentive than this in class, or you’ll never get your degree in… what are you studying in, again?”

“I.T, Mum. Or Computers, to the uninitiated.”

“Right. Anyway, I just popped upstairs to see how you were doing because you were being awfully quiet, and let you know about my plans for tonight. Take care Love, and I’ll see you later.”

“Will do. Thanks, Mum.” Finally. I got rid of her. Now to take the box out of the parcel, then the CD out of the box, then put the CD in my Sony-branded electronic system, and all will be right with the world.

“Oh, hang on a minute, there’s something I forgot to ask you. Because I’m going to be working most of the day, and Daisy’s friend cancelled on her over a falling-out involving a lost hair scrunchie, I was wondering if you could be a pet, and take care of your little sister…”

That was it. Hopes dashed. Fun smashed. All my dreams and ambitions for today just went up in smoke….

…And all because of a rare tropical disease, a missing hair decoration and my Mum treating me like some sort of unpaid child minder.

Little did I know at the time events were about to get far, far worse than that. I wouldn’t have complained so voraciously to my mother’s back as she descended the stairs with no remorse whatsoever for ruining my life (or my afternoon/evening, at the very least). Fate can be a cruel mistress sometimes, can’t it?

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, with no fear of being mistaken, misquoted or misrepresented…

F**k fate.


I shan’t bore you with the rest of the events that led up to the grand finale of my life as a biped mammal for the foreseeable future.

Suffice to say, they mostly involved me sulking (a lot) Daisy chattering away (a lot) and my PS4 remaining firmly in the ‘OFF’ position. (If I had put it on, my sister would only want to play that stupid game involving a hyperactive bandicoot crashing into exploding boxes, and I was in no mood to put on something I’d already completed thrice thanks).

So the day passed slowly in silent torment, with me pretending to be interested as to why her ‘former bestie Florian’ (is it just me, or are kid’s names getting stranger these days?) was ‘the biggest liar eva’ and then quietly capitulating when the inevitable subject of whether we were having mac ‘n’ cheese or frozen chicken nuggets reared its ugly head.

For the record, I loathe mac ‘n’ cheese with every fibre of my being. Guess which one won? Anything to keep the peace, though.

So there we sat together on the faux leather settee, side-by-side with our less-than-nutritious-and-delicious microwavable bounties spread out before us, when Daisy suddenly jumps up having only consumed roughly half her meal (the rest she probably had designs on for next door’s obese Labradoodle) to deliver the following bombshell:

“Oops, I forgot to tell you Darren. I was gonna watch something with Florian later, but seeing as we hate each other now I want to see it with you. Wanna know what it is?”

If you haven’t yet worked out the identity of this televisual feast she’d plotted and schemed for the best part of the day to punish me with based on the subtle clues I’ve provided (like, telling you it’s name directly in the first chapter) than back away s-l-o-w-l-y now. Obviously you’re in no fit mental state to read the rest of the story, operate heavy machinery or even get out of bed unsupervised. You have my utmost sympathies, though.

I couldn’t say ‘no’, of course. Between the begging, the pleading, the crying and the neighbours knocking on the door to complain about the noise (we were already in enough trouble with them, for turning their previously trim dog into a waddling blimp) it just wasn’t worth it.

Besides, I still had my iPhone, Thank Ye Gods. So whilst Twilight and her gang of multicoloured hoofbags ‘saved the day, the world and possibly the very concept of Friendship itself’ from some muscle-bound freak, an insectoid lady and an evil filly weirdly reminiscent of Little Orphan Annie, I was mostly flicking through social media feeds about how many of my former classmates were playing the latest FF game whilst I missed out. (Spoiler Alert: all of them. Blast it.)

There were quite a few tense moments apparently, judging by how much Daisy’s tiny hand gripped mine, especially during the so-called climaxes, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I simply offered robotic platitudes along the lines of ‘you’ll be fine’ and ‘it’s only a TV show’ which hopefully had the desired effect of disguising my complete disinterest, but who cares. It would all be over soon anyway.

What she didn’t tell me though, is this so-called two-parter actually had an extra slice of glittery turd-frosting in the form of a completely gratuitous twenty-two minute-long epilogue set into the future, supposedly written as a thank you letter to their fans. Yep, and a big FU to every older relation forced to sit through it with them. Thanks a lot, guys. Lovin’ your work.

So overall, that was more than an hour of my life I’d never get back, and what’s even worse is my phone battery died just before the big sing-along at the end. So I had little choice but to tolerate Daisy caterwauling about how ‘The Magic Of Friendship Would Never End’ or some such schmaltzy sh*t, so when the ordeal was finally over I wasn’t exactly in a complimentary mood.

“Isn’t it sad?” she sniffled, as if expecting a mutual response. “Spike, Twilight, everypony else… we’ll never see them again.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about them.” I growled, perhaps putting more venom into my words than I intended. “Spike looks like he’s been taking steroids for years, so he’s good. Twilight’s been on the growth pills too. I wonder where they got their hormone drugs from, though? Maybe the same people who cooked up this crazy load of psychedelic… poo in the first place.” (Daisy is not getting me in trouble for swearing in front of her again).

“Don’t be silly, Darren.” Daisy sounded slightly amused in her reply, perhaps thinking I was joking. “Spike’s a dragon, so naturally he’ll be much bigger years later. Twilight was an alicorn, so she was always going to be a similar size to Celestia and Luna. Also, don’t forget…”

“Look, did I ever give you the impression I care? Because if I did, then I’m sorry.” Uh-oh, it’s all gonna come pouring out now. “I could’ve been upstairs playing my latest game right now, enjoying the heck out of it… and instead, I’m downstairs babysitting you, watching some of the most god-awful infantile trash it’s ever been my misfortune to see!”

“B-But Mum said… you wouldn’t mind spending a bit of time with me, b-before you went away…”

“Well, hate to break it to ya kid, but Mum is a liar. Not quite as much as Dad was, but that’s not exactly praise, is it? The only reason I agreed to this is because I knew you’d have a big baby tantrum if I said ‘no’. So there!”

“Y-You’re so mean… I wouldn’t have done that!”

Yes you would! That’s why you always get your way! And I’m just sick of it!” The vitriol was well and truly spilling out now, and there was little I could do to stop the flow. “At least when I go off, I’ll get to decide things for myself for a change, and not have to hang onto the coattails of a spoiled little brat who thinks the world revolves around her!”

“Y-You’re the worst Big Brother ever. You don’t love me! You never have!”

Finally, she gets it…” Something niggled at the back of my head when I said that… maybe my conscience? Perhaps, but I was too far gone to care at this point. “And another thing. What kind of idiots enjoy this rubbish, anyway? The same babies who love Peppa Pig and Teletubbies, I suppose. Isn’t it about time you grew up a bit?”

“F-For your information, My Little Pony has a lot of adult fans. Y-You see, they’re called ‘bronys’, and…”

Aargh! See, there you go again… telling me about stuff I don’t give a flip about!” I was practically raging at this point, and Daisy had now got off the couch, her eyes filled with tears as she approached the stairs. “I don’t want to know about magical ponies, dragons, elves, the Tooth Fairy or the social rejects who believe in that sh…izz, either! So, go away and play with your dollies or something, while I try to remove all traces of the last hour out of my head. Go on, get lost!”

I have to admit, I did feel a few pangs of guilt as she ran up to her room bawling her eyes out, and the subsequent banging which emanated from the ceiling as a direct result of my harsh rebuke there. But I reasoned to myself that if she didn’t start learning the hard realities of life now, when was she going to pick them up?

Mum practically coddled her in every way since Dad left, so maybe, just maybe one person disagreeing with her and telling her straight what it was like living with someone so stroppy and demanding everyday would be good for her in the long run. I’d talk to her later, when she’d calmed down a bit.

At least I’ll be clear of this nuthouse in a few days time, anyway. Too mentally exhausted at this point in the early evening to either climb upstairs or even get off the settee, I felt my eyelids droop as I unconsciously drifted off. Just a quick nap, I reasoned, as everything went black. What harm could it do?

The answer to that question, considering where I woke up later and future events after that point was: plenty.


“Look, I know you’re excited sis, but I can’t have you plummeting out of a window just seconds after we arrived… wherever this is!” I frowned at my dragonic sister as I heroically pulled her away from certain death (with fingerless hooves? how?!) just in the nick of time. Probably.

“Hey! Don't pull on my tail so hard. And what do you care, anyway? You said last night you didn’t even love me!”

“T-That… I-I… didn’t actually say that, but if I implied it in any way, I’m sorry. I'm just going through a lot at the moment, and... look, can we talk about this later, please? We need to find a way out of here, and…”

Shush, Big Brother. Do you hear something? Like, a giant book opening?”

Hmm. Now she mentions it, I do. That normally wouldn’t be too odd because we appear to be in some kind of library, but I don’t see anyone else in here, so where’s it coming fro…

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria…”

Suddenly, ten words spoken by a syrupy female narrator rung out from nowhere, signifying the start of our crazy adventures together..

…And my unending, unyielding nightmares.

Although, at least one excited voice nearby seemed to disagree. “Oh, I know what’s happening now! This is the first episode of the first season, where…”

Author's Note:

Well I wasn't going to leave you with such a bare-bones first chapter now, was I? Hopefully this should fill in a few of the gaps involving our unwilling main character and his far more eager sister, although there's plenty more about their lives which will be clarified about them in future parts when I get around to writing them. Hope you've enjoyed what you've read so far... and keep in touch! :moustache: