You've heard the story before, right? The guy who wakes up as Twilight Sparkle one day in Ponyville and has to adapt.Well what about if his younger sister accompanied him as Spike, and he knows next-to-nothing about the show whilst she's a crazy fan?
You've heard the story before, right? The guy who wakes up as Twilight Sparkle one day in Ponyville and has to adapt. Well what about if his younger sister accompanied him as Spike, and he knows next-to-nothing about the show whilst she's a crazy fan?
All this, and they find themselves at the very START in S1 ep1, the very first scene. Sometimes knowing EXACTLY what's going to happen doesn't make things any easier... particularly when your entire reference for knowledge is a smart alec kid who you're not sure even wants to get home....
“Never mind that! What am I supposed to do with this?!”
“Erm, better not touch that sis, it looks important. But anyway how in the hell did we…”
“Hey, Mum told you never to use that word! I’m telling…!”
“Yeah? Well, if we ever see her again, you have my total blessing. That would mean this is all just some bizarro dream… which is affecting both of us at the same time… where I can actually feel a horn and fur and… ohmy…”
“...Hey, I don’t know what you’re doing down there, but you better stop! You’re supposed to be my ‘Big Brother’, but all you’ve done so far is put us in ‘big bother’! *Chuckle* that was pretty clever don't cha think?”
“I’m sorry ‘Little Sister’, I’m too busy adapting to walking on all fours and getting used to having a twenty-something year old woman’s voice to appreciate your ‘brilliant’ wit! Just how the hel… heck did we end up in this mess, anyway? You didn’t ‘wish upon a star’ or something equally corny last night, did you?”
“You think I wanted any of this to happen? And even if I did, why would I want to become the little guy the Main 6 all pick on, especially in the first two seasons? Plus, I don’t want to sound like a dude! Although Cathy Westeluck is really female, so I don’t know what to think…”
“Um, I hate to break it to you, but you weren’t exactly a six-foot basketball-shooter yourself before. And think yourself lucky you still have hands, well claws, and feet and can still walk upright! Every time I take a step, it feels like I’m crawling on my elbows and knees! Also, the constant clip-clop clip-clop clip-clopping, aarrgh! Someone make it go away(!)”
“Actually, now we’re here, I think the correct term is ‘somepony’.”
“...You're enjoying this? Please tell me she’s not actually enjoying this.”
“No! I’m just… trying to make the best out of a bad situation, that’s all. Although, it is kinda cool to see the locations from the show in the flesh. Or ‘itchy scales’, which is what I have now I suppose. Hey, I’m just gonna look through this library window a sec while you figure a way out of this. As my ‘Big Brother’, I expect nothing less. Might as well enjoy the time we’ve got left here, anyway…”
“H-Hey, what makes you think I know what to do and… where are you going?! We should stick together in this strange place; Mum would kill me if you went missing. I still remember that day at the supermarket, when I got grounded for a week just because you had to dash off to see Astronaut Barbie…” Is it just me, or is Hasbro the bane of my existence?
*****************
I suppose by now you’re wondering, what a couple of nice kids (well, one of us is no longer a ‘kid’, and the ‘niceness’ of the other one is somewhat debatable) are doing in a wacked-out, day-glo, previously-thought-to-reside-nowhere-but-the-demented-thoughts-of-Laura-Frost (or whoever created this stupid franchise in the first place) universe stumbling, bumbling and generally misusing the bodies of a couple of magical creatures that neither of us have a right to inhabit in the first place.
For the answer to that dear reader, we’re going to have to venture f-a-r back in the annals of history, to the time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, God created the universe and my blasted life made any semblance of sense.
Or, more to the point, last night.
When the very final episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic was broadcast. Boo-Bloody-Hoo.
A show which I utterly despise in every imaginable way, and know next-to-nothing about, but which my about-to-fall-out-of-a-second-storey-building-because-she’s-craning-her-neck-so-hard little sister is practically a walking pony-paedia on.
So why did I suffer through the entire series finale with her, having previously only caught bits and pieces of other episodes when I was unlucky enough to walk in on my sister watching them? At least the answer to that question is simple enough (not a term you’re likely to see much in future chapters).
Because our mother insisted I do it. You can do many things as a maturing male in their late teens: shoplift alcoholic beverages down your trousers, ride a BMX bike dangerously on the main road, take illegal drugs at all-night raves (although cannabis is my limit up ‘til now. Yeah you’re right, I’m a total wuss.)
But one thing you never do, under pain of death, torture or worse a severe telling-off, is go against the word of ‘The Boss’. Especially when you’re still living under ‘Her Roof’.
Besides, I’m leaving for college next week, and really need as much of a loan as I can get from Mum for all my numerous education-related expenses. I know steady work as a till operator at the off-licence doesn’t exactly bring in the big-bucks for her, but I’m hoping there’s some secret hidden-away stash of cash maybe my Dad left us before he, well... left us (don't worry, he didn't die or anything: he just 'left us'... and that’s hopefully the last occasion I have to mention him.)
And if that meant enduring a two-part cheese-a-thon with my fully plushed-up cosplaying (as Rainbow Dash natch, her forever favourite) little sister for the best part of three-quarters-of-an-hour when I could’ve been watching Rick And Morty instead, you’re Goddamn right I’m gonna accept the potential trade-in and associated risks attached.
…Oops, sorry Daisy. Did I say something else naughty? Well it’s okay… as a family we’re not all that religious and it was in my head this time, so I think I’ve gotten away with it (mind you as anyone with a weird younger sibling will probably testify, it’s like they can read your thoughts sometimes, so I better still take precautions).
Hmm? Oh, I apologise… I forgot to tell you before. ‘Daisy’ is the name of my hellspawn little sister (she’s nine years old, even though she insists on telling everyone she’s ten. Maths never was her strong subject, especially when it comes to the equal distribution of chocolate brownies.) And I’m ‘Darren’. Nice to meet you.
Yes, I’m perfectly aware of the fact our names both start with the same two letters, but blame my lazy parents and the unapologetic vicar that colluded with them by christening us both at the same font almost exactly a decade apart.
They should get miscommunicated or something, for that. Outrageous.
Anyway, enough babbling about nothing in particular. I have to go and stop my newly reptilian sis from turning into a big purple pancake on the ground floor. Even though she’s this ‘Spike’ character now, apparently she doesn’t have wings yet…
And neither, under very close examination do I, as this equine ‘Twilight Sparkle’ individual.
At least (from what little I’ve seen of the show) I can still use magic; I just have to figure out how to light-up this sharp pointy thing on my forehead and all should be good.
The problem is, having literally just been dumped in this alternate kiddish world five minutes ago, I have no idea how to use this no doubt highly efficient organic tool. There are no batteries, no chargers, and certainly no signs of a power source nearby.
So, I’m just going to have to grab her the old-fashioned way... by diving around like a lunatic. As per usual.
After all, what are Big Brothers for, if not to repeatedly put their own life and limb at stake for the sake of their devil-may-care fearless younger relations? “Hey, don’t lean over all the way like that, Daisy! You’re practically one inch from certain doom; I don't care if 'Moon Dancer is so close you can practically touch her', whoever that is. If I go home without you, Mum'll have my guts for…”
Oh, to be an only child again. Sorry, I’ve got to take care of this developing situation right now, I’ll catch up with you all later. Roll the flashback!
It was a pretty dull day back on Earth, all things considered. The early autumn winds were beginning to blow the reddened leaves off the trees, and the season of ‘mists and fruitfulness’ was really beginning to get into full swing. Harvest festivals were taking place everywhere, Halloween-related junk was flying off the shelves and Christmas songs were already playing on an endless loop on most local radio stations (a pet peeve of mine).
Not that I cared about any of that distracting nonsense, though. You see, that very morning I’d taken ownership of a long-awaited parcel I’d been chomping at the bit for months since I reserved it way back in the spring. The postman (actually a lady) shoved it in my grimy mitts before leaving without a word, perhaps because she was fed up of me asking her the same inane question every time she visited us for half-a-year after my pre-order.
No matter. This is it. Final Fantasy XVI, here I come. Or is it XVII? Who’s really counting, at this stage? And I can’t read Roman Numerals, anyway. My trembling hands slowly undid the cardboard fasteners of the package, fully prepared as I was to spend the day with just me, my trusty PS4 and hours and hours of top class RPG gaming.
“Oh Darren. Can I have a word with you please?”
Great. I should’ve suspected things were going far too smoothly. I quickly hid the still-unopened parcel behind my back (I don’t know why, purely an instinctual reaction I guess) and said with a long sigh “Come in, Mother.”
Without further ado, the door to my bedroom swung open and there stood my Mum in the threshold, staring down at me with concern (I’m actually a head taller than her, but it doesn’t feel that way sometimes). “I don’t think I like your tone, young man. What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing. Just… tired, that’s all.” This was my stock response to any awkward questions she asked me, along with “It’s just teenage male hormonal problems”. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but I read in a book somewhere that it warded off all potentially difficult parental encounters… and what d’ya know, it worked.
So, I kept using it. Go figure.
“Aw, is my little man still busy burning the midnight oil, hitting those books in preparation for his ‘Big Campus’ move at the end of this month?” I blushed slightly as she brushed some tufts of loose brown fringe off my forehead. “Well don’t work too hard, ‘kay? We want to see some of you before you join your friends at that city university up north…”
‘Friends’? That’s a laugh… I have only one real ‘friend’ in the entire world, and he’s attending a college in the south instead. I couldn’t join him, because my grades simply weren't up to scratch. Also, if she actually knew what I did most evenings instead of studying, I don’t think she’d be half as proud as she sounds now. I just hope she doesn’t have the bright idea of checking my Internet history before I depart.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll be down later, and maybe we can do something then.” Lies, all lies. Nothing was going to stop me tonight from sending Cloud into battle against hordes of gigantic mythical beasties. Or Squall. Or… whoever the main character is this time. Just let me get as far as reading the back of the box, please Mother…
“Oh sorry darling, it can’t be tonight. I’ve agreed to take on an extra shift. Poor Mrs Greenback is out with Lyme’s Disease again. Bad for her, but good for me and the extra income it’ll get us, and… Darren Jones, are you even listening to me?”
“...Hmm? Of course I am, Mum. Mrs Green-something is off work for eating too many limes, so you’re going to um, get her some lemons instead, or something.” No, that doesn’t sound right at all. Damn it. Here comes the lecture…
“Oh Darren, what are we going to do with you? I hope you’re going to be more attentive than this in class, or you’ll never get your degree in… what are you studying in, again?”
“I.T, Mum. Or Computers, to the uninitiated.”
“Right. Anyway, I just popped upstairs to see how you were doing because you were being awfully quiet, and let you know about my plans for tonight. Take care Love, and I’ll see you later.”
“Will do. Thanks, Mum.” Finally. I got rid of her. Now to take the box out of the parcel, then the CD out of the box, then put the CD in my Sony-branded electronic system, and all will be right with the world.
“Oh, hang on a minute, there’s something I forgot to ask you. Because I’m going to be working most of the day, and Daisy’s friend cancelled on her over a falling-out involving a lost hair scrunchie, I was wondering if you could be a pet, and take care of your little sister…”
That was it. Hopes dashed. Fun smashed. All my dreams and ambitions for today just went up in smoke….
…And all because of a rare tropical disease, a missing hair decoration and my Mum treating me like some sort of unpaid child minder.
Little did I know at the time events were about to get far, far worse than that. I wouldn’t have complained so voraciously to my mother’s back as she descended the stairs with no remorse whatsoever for ruining my life (or my afternoon/evening, at the very least). Fate can be a cruel mistress sometimes, can’t it?
Basically, what I'm trying to say is, with no fear of being mistaken, misquoted or misrepresented…
F**k fate.
*******************
I shan’t bore you with the rest of the events that led up to the grand finale of my life as a biped mammal for the foreseeable future.
Suffice to say, they mostly involved me sulking (a lot) Daisy chattering away (a lot) and my PS4 remaining firmly in the ‘OFF’ position. (If I had put it on, my sister would only want to play that stupid game involving a hyperactive bandicoot crashing into exploding boxes, and I was in no mood to put on something I’d already completed thrice thanks).
So the day passed slowly in silent torment, with me pretending to be interested as to why her ‘former bestie Florian’ (is it just me, or are kid’s names getting stranger these days?) was ‘the biggest liar eva’ and then quietly capitulating when the inevitable subject of whether we were having mac ‘n’ cheese or frozen chicken nuggets reared its ugly head.
For the record, I loathe mac ‘n’ cheese with every fibre of my being. Guess which one won? Anything to keep the peace, though.
So there we sat together on the faux leather settee, side-by-side with our less-than-nutritious-and-delicious microwavable bounties spread out before us, when Daisy suddenly jumps up having only consumed roughly half her meal (the rest she probably had designs on for next door’s obese Labradoodle) to deliver the following bombshell:
“Oops, I forgot to tell you Darren. I was gonna watch something with Florian later, but seeing as we hate each other now I want to see it with you. Wanna know what it is?”
If you haven’t yet worked out the identity of this televisual feast she’d plotted and schemed for the best part of the day to punish me with based on the subtle clues I’ve provided (like, telling you it’s name directly in the first chapter) than back away s-l-o-w-l-y now. Obviously you’re in no fit mental state to read the rest of the story, operate heavy machinery or even get out of bed unsupervised. You have my utmost sympathies, though.
I couldn’t say ‘no’, of course. Between the begging, the pleading, the crying and the neighbours knocking on the door to complain about the noise (we were already in enough trouble with them, for turning their previously trim dog into a waddling blimp) it just wasn’t worth it.
Besides, I still had my iPhone, Thank Ye Gods. So whilst Twilight and her gang of multicoloured hoofbags ‘saved the day, the world and possibly the very concept of Friendship itself’ from some muscle-bound freak, an insectoid lady and an evil filly weirdly reminiscent of Little Orphan Annie, I was mostly flicking through social media feeds about how many of my former classmates were playing the latest FF game whilst I missed out. (Spoiler Alert: all of them. Blast it.)
There were quite a few tense moments apparently, judging by how much Daisy’s tiny hand gripped mine, especially during the so-called climaxes, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I simply offered robotic platitudes along the lines of ‘you’ll be fine’ and ‘it’s only a TV show’ which hopefully had the desired effect of disguising my complete disinterest, but who cares. It would all be over soon anyway.
What she didn’t tell me though, is this so-called two-parter actually had an extra slice of glittery turd-frosting in the form of a completely gratuitous twenty-two minute-long epilogue set into the future, supposedly written as a thank you letter to their fans. Yep, and a big FU to every older relation forced to sit through it with them. Thanks a lot, guys. Lovin’ your work.
So overall, that was more than an hour of my life I’d never get back, and what’s even worse is my phone battery died just before the big sing-along at the end. So I had little choice but to tolerate Daisy caterwauling about how ‘The Magic Of Friendship Would Never End’ or some such schmaltzy sh*t, so when the ordeal was finally over I wasn’t exactly in a complimentary mood.
“Isn’t it sad?” she sniffled, as if expecting a mutual response. “Spike, Twilight, everypony else… we’ll never see them again.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about them.” I growled, perhaps putting more venom into my words than I intended. “Spike looks like he’s been taking steroids for years, so he’s good. Twilight’s been on the growth pills too. I wonder where they got their hormone drugs from, though? Maybe the same people who cooked up this crazy load of psychedelic… poo in the first place.” (Daisy is not getting me in trouble for swearing in front of her again).
“Don’t be silly, Darren.” Daisy sounded slightly amused in her reply, perhaps thinking I was joking. “Spike’s a dragon, so naturally he’ll be much bigger years later. Twilight was an alicorn, so she was always going to be a similar size to Celestia and Luna. Also, don’t forget…”
“Look, did I ever give you the impression I care? Because if I did, then I’m sorry.” Uh-oh, it’s all gonna come pouring out now. “I could’ve been upstairs playing my latest game right now, enjoying the heck out of it… and instead, I’m downstairs babysitting you, watching some of the most god-awful infantile trash it’s ever been my misfortune to see!”
“B-But Mum said… you wouldn’t mind spending a bit of time with me, b-before you went away…”
“Well, hate to break it to ya kid, but Mum is a liar. Not quite as much as Dad was, but that’s not exactly praise, is it? The only reason I agreed to this is because I knew you’d have a big baby tantrum if I said ‘no’. So there!”
“Y-You’re so mean… I wouldn’t have done that!”
“Yes you would! That’s why you always get your way! And I’m just sick of it!” The vitriol was well and truly spilling out now, and there was little I could do to stop the flow. “At least when I go off, I’ll get to decide things for myself for a change, and not have to hang onto the coattails of a spoiled little brat who thinks the world revolves around her!”
“Y-You’re the worst Big Brother ever. You don’t love me! You never have!”
“Finally, she gets it…” Something niggled at the back of my head when I said that… maybe my conscience? Perhaps, but I was too far gone to care at this point. “And another thing. What kind of idiots enjoy this rubbish, anyway? The same babies who love Peppa Pig and Teletubbies, I suppose. Isn’t it about time you grew up a bit?”
“F-For your information, My Little Pony has a lot of adult fans. Y-You see, they’re called ‘bronys’, and…”
“Aargh! See, there you go again… telling me about stuff I don’t give a flip about!” I was practically raging at this point, and Daisy had now got off the couch, her eyes filled with tears as she approached the stairs. “I don’t want to know about magical ponies, dragons, elves, the Tooth Fairy or the social rejects who believe in that sh…izz, either! So, go away and play with your dollies or something, while I try to remove all traces of the last hour out of my head. Go on, get lost!”
I have to admit, I did feel a few pangs of guilt as she ran up to her room bawling her eyes out, and the subsequent banging which emanated from the ceiling as a direct result of my harsh rebuke there. But I reasoned to myself that if she didn’t start learning the hard realities of life now, when was she going to pick them up?
Mum practically coddled her in every way since Dad left, so maybe, just maybe one person disagreeing with her and telling her straight what it was like living with someone so stroppy and demanding everyday would be good for her in the long run. I’d talk to her later, when she’d calmed down a bit.
At least I’ll be clear of this nuthouse in a few days time, anyway. Too mentally exhausted at this point in the early evening to either climb upstairs or even get off the settee, I felt my eyelids droop as I unconsciously drifted off. Just a quick nap, I reasoned, as everything went black. What harm could it do?
The answer to that question, considering where I woke up later and future events after that point was: plenty.
*************************
“Look, I know you’re excited sis, but I can’t have you plummeting out of a window just seconds after we arrived… wherever this is!” I frowned at my dragonic sister as I heroically pulled her away from certain death (with fingerless hooves? how?!) just in the nick of time. Probably.
“Hey! Don't pull on my tail so hard. And what do you care, anyway? You said last night you didn’t even love me!”
“T-That… I-I… didn’t actually say that, but if I implied it in any way, I’m sorry. I'm just going through a lot at the moment, and... look, can we talk about this later, please? We need to find a way out of here, and…”
“Shush, Big Brother. Do you hear something? Like, a giant book opening?”
Hmm. Now she mentions it, I do. That normally wouldn’t be too odd because we appear to be in some kind of library, but I don’t see anyone else in here, so where’s it coming fro…
“Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria…”
Suddenly, ten words spoken by a syrupy female narrator rung out from nowhere, signifying the start of our crazy adventures together..
…And my unending, unyielding nightmares.
Although, at least one excited voice nearby seemed to disagree. “Oh, I know what’s happening now! This is the first episode of the first season, where…”
Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. You see, I’ve had a few bugbears gnawing at my mind of late, which have stopped me being able to stay in contact as much as I’d like.
You know, the usual. Like all the packing, the organising, the refuse disposal (wearing a hazmat suit to enter my old room was not mandatory, but highly advisable) before my big move to the upper echelons of education…
…Oh, and the small tincy-wincy matter of me being transported against my will to this hitherto undiscovered cartoonish (maybe because it was a cartoon) universe where everything was a bit too animated, the colours were a bit too bright and I had one too many legs.
Well actually two, but I digress. Right now, accurate mathematics is the last thing occupying my feverish brain (is it my brain, though? Or is it Twilight’s? Do I actually exist anymore, or am I just a random collection of pixels on a screen? If someone ‘switched’ me off, would I cease to be at all?).
Gibber. See what I mean about ‘feverish’? Wonder how the watching toddlers would react if their favourite Twilight Sparkle had a major nervous breakdown and began tearing the place apart onscreen? Could lead to some awkward conversations around the dinner table. Perhaps Hasbro could spin it as a Very Special Episode about mental health…
…But no, that wouldn’t work. Nothing featuring my tag-along sister (now a baby dragon, of course) would ever function that way, mainly because she’d never shut up long enough for such sensitive messages to be imparted. Speaking of which…
“Daisy, could you stop going on about what you think is going to happen next. I’m trying to hear what this invisible female narrator is telling us, as annoyingly patronising as her voice is.”
“B-but… I’ve seen the pilot at least fifty times! I know it word-for-word… it would be a lot faster if you just listened to me…”
“Oh, great. Now I just missed the part where she told us who used to lower the moon. ‘Looney’, or something? Sounds about right. And who’s ‘Silly Esther’? Her sister? ‘Looney’ and ‘Silly’... that about checks out. Exactly how I feel when I’m trying to take any of this nonsense seriously. Hopefully my alarm clock will go off anytime now, and all this weird wackiness can be put down to a celebratory boozy binge I participated in just before college…”
*Chuckles* “Oh Big Brother, you are hilarious. When you say ‘Looney’, you mean Princess Luna, and ‘Silly Esther’ is her sister Princess Celestia. You see, Luna used to be in charge of the moon, and Celestia rose the sun every morning. This carried on for years until Luna got jealous that she never saw daylight, and a big fight started between them…”
“Hmm. This sounds oddly familiar, I might even say relatable. Do go on, Dais.”
“... Well anyway, to cut a long story short, Luna became the evil ‘Nightmare Moon’ on account of her jealousy, and when Celestia defeated her she banished Nightmare Moon to… well, ‘the moon’ with the aid of The Elements Of Harmony. In this episode though, set a thousand years later, guess who’s back…?!”
“Shady’s back. Tell a friend.” I blurted that little gem out before I could stop myself, and if Spike/Daisy looked somewhat confused at my response, it was nothing compared to the bewildered mess I felt right now as the cloying background narration finally ceased. “Forget it. I think I’ve got the gist. So, now that we’ve assessed that you know far more about what’s going on, what do you think we should do next, O wise one? Kill this ‘Nightmare Moon’ character? Sorry, I think I left my old Pokemon cards at home…”
“No, no, no. You’re not taking this seriously at all.” Daisy stomped her cute little dragon foot on the floor and… was that a smoke ring I just saw emerge from her nose? “This is a children’s show. You don’t ‘kill’ anything; maybe turn them to stone or something, but nothing as bad as that! I think we should just follow the exact plot of the episode, then maybe something will happen. Anything else, and we might be stuck here forever.”
It concerned me, the lack of anxiety in her voice at that distinctly unappealing prospect. “Wait. What if it’s like that Bill Murray film where we have to do things in just the right order, or we have to repeat the day over and over again until we get it perfect? I think I’d officially go insane. I wonder if they manufacture straitjackets for horses…?”
“For the last time, you’re a ‘pony’, not a horse! And I’m not interested in any of your boring old movies, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Daisy had obviously tired of my aimless speculating, and decided to take matters into her own hands (oops, claws). “Now, if I remember correctly, and I do because I sort of breathe this episode, we’re supposed to find a book called ‘Predictions And Prophecies’…”
“Well, ‘predict’ that you’ll find it then! And no, I won’t let you stroke me! And I’m not taking you for a ride, either, no matter how much you beg. I’ve seen how much you’ve stared at this equine body since we’ve arrived, and the answer is and will always be ‘No’. Personal boundaries, remember? Now chop-chop, before the train leaves without me back home and I have to waste another year with you and mum getting on my nerves every day!”
“Typical. I have the only brother who’s turned into a mare in the entire world, and he won’t even let me touch his fur…” These are the exact words I heard Daisy mumble to herself as she made her way to the denser regions of the library, and needless to say I took instant umbrage to them.
“Hey, I heard that, and I’m only going to say this once… I AM NOT!! A MARE!! Now, buzz off.” My mind and my stance were clear, but my shrill girlish voice raised out of anger told another story…
And so apparently, as my sister caught a glimpse of something majorly incriminating as I trotted past frisking my new tail from side-to-side in frustration, did my anatomy.
“Could’ve fooled me.” She murmured again to herself with a smirk, kindly deciding at the time not to regale me with that little ‘detail’ for now.
After all, we’d both been through so much already.
*******************
“What’s taking her so long? I thought she knew this show like the back of her hand… I-I meant claw, I mean, oh who cares?!”
The last hour hadn’t exactly been what I’d describe as ‘fruitful’, whilst waiting for Daisy to return with this allegedly priceless tome.
I’d been trying to make this horn work… without success.
I’d been trying to find a zipper to this stupid costume… that was also a non-starter.
But the worst thing that happened was when this bunch of unknown ponies entered the building to invite ‘Twilight Sparkle’ to a party (with jelly, ice-cream and lots of hugs and kisses I bet). Awkward.
Obviously, I had to hide behind a tall shelf being that I didn’t know the first thing about these alien creatures and they would’ve sussed me out as an imposter within a few minutes. One of them was called ‘Twinkleshine’ and another was the aforementioned ‘Moon Dancer’ who my sister seemed so excited to see from the topmost window earlier.
They didn’t stay too long thankfully, and after futilely calling out her name a few times and Twinkleshine commenting ‘she’s probably knee-deep in books again’ (wait, ponies have knees? You learn something new every day) they took their leave, with Moon Dancer arguably the most upset among the group.
I know this, because I happened to catch a single teardrop fall from beneath her massive spectacles onto the ground. Gee, guess I feel really bad now. I seem to have a habit of upsetting people/ponies lately. Hope this doesn’t turn around to bite me later.
Anyway, it was just as I’d given up hope and I was about to brave the elements myself to look for my pesky absent sibling, that she showed up running to brandish something rectangular and hardback in her… claws (see, I’m getting used to the new terminology already. Whoopee-Doopy-Doo). “I’ve got it! I’ve got it!! And Spike didn’t even get hit by the door this time around.”
“...Whatever. It’s been simply manic around here since you've been gone, and I’d like to escape this world as soon as possible. You know, before I start chewing grass, pooping on the floor and signing up for the Grand National. Let’s see it.” Still unable to operate my horn-based magic, I rather clumsily snatched the volume away and turned the pages as much as I could with these useless lavender nubs. “Wait, where’s the part where it says how to get the f...rick outta here? Are you sure this is the right one?”
Once more, Daisy giggled at me in that annoyingly cryptic way she does, a bad habit of hers which’d only escalated since our unexpected and unrequested arrival here. “You won’t find that in there, Darren. This’ll just tell you about Nightmare Moon, the fact that she spent a thousand years in exile, her revenge against all ponykind when she returns very soon…”
“Hang on. So you’re telling me… you kept me twiddling my thumbs, sorry ‘hooves’ for the best part of sixty minutes, to fetch me a book full of stuff that you could’ve told me anyway?! I’m starting to wish Nightmare Moon wasn’t the only one sent away to live on a distant planet for ten centuries. I’ve been bored out of my mind, sick with worry, trying to get rid of ‘Twinkleshine’, ‘Moon Dancer’ and their gang…”
“Wait. Moon Dancer was here, and you didn’t even tell me?” Daisy’s already slit eyes narrowed fearsomely all of a sudden, and for a moment she resembled a predator rather than my ‘loving’ sister. “You know she’s like, one of my favourite secondary characters. Now I’m probably gonna have to wait until we get to season five ‘til I can even speak to her again…!”
“I knew nothing of the sort! And we’re getting out way before then, believe me!” I defiantly slammed the book shut, eliciting a slight bout of coughing from us both. “At least by bringing me this tome, we’re episode compliant so far for the most part. Now, what do you think we should do next?”
“Hmm. My best guess would be, maybe head to Ponyville? That’s where the main plot of this episode takes place, anyway. We'll get to meet the rest of the Main Six for the first time too; I can’t wait! I suppose we better send a letter to Princess Celestia first though, at least that’s what happens in the show…”
“Great, I'll let you take care of that then, now we’ve established you’re the expert in these matters.” ‘Send a letter’? I barely use emails these days, just what kind of backward society are we stranded in? “I’ll just sit in this comfortable chair here and have forty winks before we leave…”
“Erm, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“Okay, then thirty. Twenty, tops. What have you got against a chap on the cusp of manhood getting a bit of precious R & R time after all he’s experienced today?”
“T-That’s not what I meant, Big Brother. Didn’t you wonder why I took so long upstairs earlier?”
“Not really, no. I just assumed you had your head in the clouds again or something, seeing as how we’re on the ‘set’ of your favourite programme ever.” I lied back slightly with my eyes closed, trying to relax for a change.
“Yes. Well, this or iCarly. Anyway, it did start off that way. I was running around, feeling really excited, finding out all sorts of things you don’t see in canon. But then…”
I opened one eye suddenly. Uh oh. I know this tone of voice… “Then?”
“It’s so difficult, controlling this new body. I’m feeling things I never felt before, I’m much smaller than I ever remember, I have parts I don’t know what to do with…”
“Then?!”
“I sort of…had a little accident.”
“Define ‘accident’ please, Daisy.”
“Well, it was kinda when we coughed a second ago with that dusty old book I brought down. It sorta happened upstairs too, only this time a bit more came out.”
“What exactly ‘came out’, Daisy?!” A sinking feeling in the pit of my newly vegetarian stomach told me where this conversation was heading, but I needed it confirmed anyway.
“I-I don’t really want to say. But for the record, d’ya think the Wonderbolts could function as a fire service…?”
It was at this inconvenient juncture (before I could even ask what the ‘Wonderbolts’ were) that a loud explosion could be heard coming from upstairs, as countless panes of glass shattered and a distinctly greenish tinge could be seen burning up lots of flammable, previously readable material.
I looked up aghast at all the wanton destruction, before glancing down with undisguised irritation at my sheepishly blushing sister through the raining ash (pulling off her trademark ‘Oh Shucks’ pose so well, I could’ve told you it was her even in her new reptilian form).
“...Ponyville it is then. And because this is kind of an emergency, you can ride on my back. Don’t expect this to be a regular thing, though.”
“Daisy, if you slap my butt one more time whilst I’m running, I swear…”
“No time to talk now, Darren! Keep galloping… we’ve got to find a nice, secret spot to write a letter to Princess Celestia before The Summer Sun Celebration begins! Which is the day after tomorrow, in case you didn’t know.”
“Funnily enough, no I don’t. You haven’t explained that part yet. And what do you mean by ‘the day after tomorrow’? You mean two days, right?”
“...My god Big Brother, you can be sssooo dumb sometimes. How you’re going to pass for Twilight Sparkle, the genius student of Celestia, I don’t know. Just let me do most of the talking, and don’t move a hoof until I say so. Then, we should be okay… I think.”
I can’t believe I’m being bossed about by someone who still slept in nappies a few short years ago. “Whatever gets us out of this nuthouse sooner, Daisy. Anyway, how’s the fire looking from where you’re sat? Can you still see the flames above the roof?”
“Hmm… I can’t exactly see so far in this tiny body, but I think the other ponies in Canterlot helped put them out really quick. Now, that's what I call teamwork. I think I even spotted your... I mean, Twilight's parents there. And who’d have thought Moon Dancer could carry so many buckets of water at once? I can't believe you didn't at least let me say 'goodbye' to her before we...” *mutter*
“As I told you before Dais, the less contact we have with the citizens of… whatever wacked-out totally-fictitious probably-damaged-beyond-repair part of my brain this place is, the better. And you say this city is called ‘Canterlot’? Like, ‘Camelot’ from King Arthur? I suppose the equine-related puns are only going to get funnier from here. Oh, my aching sides…”
‘I don’t think it’s meant to be funny Darren, it’s just a play on words by the writers…”
“No, I’m saying my sides are actually aching. I'm exhausted, and your spikes are digging into my flesh. Can we stop for a rest, please? I must’ve ran for twenty miles at least. That’s like, an entire London marathon, I think.”
If this new four-legged fuzzy form I’d been forced into had one minor upside, it was that it was far better equipped for both short and long-distance running than my normal one. No-one could ever say I was out-of-shape as a person, but there was something strangely majestic about rushing along with the wind against your back, your mane flying free, without a single care in the world…
No, I am not getting any pleasure out of this experience whatsoever(!) I am a nineteen-year old future male graduate with a few technical GCSEs in computing to my name, not a purple female pony who’s only future prospects are to trot around naked, solving ‘Friendship’ problems with my bestest buddies and having a stupid giant tattoo stuck on me against my will! If I do get any when I’m older, they’ll be ones of my choice, possibly related to my favourite bands or numerous girlfriends. It certainly won’t have anything to do with stars (I loathe astronomy), and I definitely wouldn’t have any so close to my backside…
“Have you finished yet? You’ve been staring at your Cutie Markfor a few minutes, at least. You nearly collided with that tree back there! I can tell you what it means, if you like. I know everything about all of them, if you ever wanna test me.”
“H-huh?” Daisy’s (or rather, Spike’s) boastful voice snapped me out of my temporary soliloquy, and I stammered my response to her-always inquisitive eyes. “N-no, I was just wondering if there was any way of getting rid of this stupid thing. I’m sick of seeing it looking at me every time I turn around. Can’t we just… cover it up with purple paint, or something?”
“Not unless you want other creatures to look oddly at you even more than they probably will already. And there are ways of getting rid of Cutie Marks, but trust me… you don’t want to know about any of them. Anyway, if you’re tired, shall we stop here? I think the owner of this shop rushed off to help with the fire, and there are no other customers in sight. We can write the letter to Celestia too, while we’re inside.”
Unable to think of any better suggestions (this ponified universe was her territory after all, I was merely a ‘guest’ in it). I pantingly screeched to a halt before staggering my way into the building.
Apparently it was some kind of food vendor, as I saw many varied fruits and vegetables on display on the shelves and behind the glass counter. What I wouldn’t give for a nice, juicy steak ‘round about now. Not that I could digest it, of course. Guess a totally different diet is something else I’ll have to adjust to whilst I’m stuck here. My situation just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?
“Hey Big Brother, think yourself lucky! As a dragon, I have to eat pretty much nothing but gems from now on. And they’re much harder to come by than apples and pears, believe me!” Daisy read my thoughts again in that weird sibling way she does whilst I glanced about with anguish at my leafy surroundings, before she finally hopped off my back and had a long stretch. “That was just as much fun as I thought it’d be! Even if I had to grab hold of your horn a bit at the end there just to avoid falling off. At least it's good for something, considering you can't use it for magic. Anyway, shall we make a start on writing to… what are you doing?!”
“ Pardon?” My voice was somewhat muffled at present, as my mouth had somehow gotten filled with all manner of greengrocer-related produce (not cherries or nectarines though; I always seemed to swallow the stones) in record time. “Oh yeah. You do that…” *Gulp*
“Darren Jones!! Sometimes I’m ashamed to call you my brother.” Both Daisy and Mum have a habit of calling me by my full name when they’re especially cross at me, which is… quite a lot. Surprisingly. “This store belongs to a hard-working pony, and you’re ruining their business! You’re supposed to pay for that food with bits…”
“What are ‘bits’ here? Like, currency?”
“If you mean like pounds and pennies, then yes.”
“Well, have you got any on you?”
“Erm, no. Not at the moment.”
“And neither do I! But I haven’t had a bite to eat since we got here, and I’m absolutely f… riggin’ starving! So what else do you suggest I do? Die of hunger?”
“W-Well, you could’ve asked when they go back, at least. What you’re doing is against the law… it’s wrong to steal… didn’t you always teach me that?!”
At this point I laughed so hard, I almost choked on a nice juicy piece of watermelon that slid its way down my throat. “Like I give a toss about the ‘laws’ of this fake cartoon world! I didn’t even ask to be sent here. And now that I am, I’m going to do whatever it takes to survive. If that means ruining the livelihood of some poor talking pony who shouldn’t even exist in the first place, then that’s just their bad luck isn’t it. Hey, could you pass me those blueberries, Dais? …No, those are blackberries. What, are dragons generally colour blind in this show as well as being very small, very annoying and prone to starting major fires at a moment’s notice?”
“I-I did notice I saw a lot more red than before, compared to other colours…” Daisy admitted, whilst blushing a little for some reason.
“I see. Sucks for you I guess, cos my vision be perfect.” I bragged, lying through my teeth. Well, it was for the most part… but for some reason my red, green and orange spectrum was a bit messed up. Whether this was normal for the species or one of Twilight’s personal problems I had no clue. Not that I intended on hanging around here long enough for it to affect me, of course. “Anyway, how’s that letter coming along?”
“I haven’t started it yet. I was too distracted by your horrible table manners! You’re eating like a pig, not a pony!” Daisy put her claws to her sides in disgust, before dodging nimbly out of the way as half an orange got squirted against the wall. Hmm. Maybe she’s got a point. But apparently I’m a wild animal now, so I don’t have to bother with such tiresome things as human etiquette. I’ll take the meagre benefits to being here in this weird body when I can, thank you.
“Whatever. Just get it done. I’m nearly finished with my lunch now, so the sooner you complete it and we’re on our way to Ponyville, the better. In fact, how do we get there? And how far away exactly is it?”
“Er, about a day’s chariot ride away I’d say. And we can’t leave straight away, we have to wait for a reply first. Can’t you eat the rest of that pineapple outside? I fear if we stay here any longer, the owner of the store will return, we’ll be arrested and all this will be for nothing. If Celestia found out, she’d never let a thief represent her at the…”
“Yes, I heard. For the Summer Solstice, right? See, I’m not completely thick.” *Burp*
“...Close enough for now. And at least belching loudly after a big meal is something both you and Twilight have in common. We’ve gotta start somewhere, I guess.”
“See, Dais? Things are looking up already. There’s just one more thing I need to know for now about the show. You might even say I‘m quite desperate…”
“Well, you’re talking to the right girl here! What d’ya wanna know, Big Brother? About Nightmare Moon? Your future friends? How you’ll save the day, reunite the alicorn sisters and then…”
“Geez Daisy, someone should stick a big neon ‘Spoiler alert’ sign on top of your horns. I only wanted to know where the toilets are; there are toilets here, right? Because if you’re telling me I have to find a field somewhere… I’m not gonna be very happy. And that’s putting it mildly.”
************** Turns out Daisy didn’t exactly know where the loos were located in Canterlot, but fortunately they did exist (maybe these ponies are more civilised than I thought) and there were some empty public ones located just behind the shop where I’d enjoyed my free feast.
After the unpleasantness of relieving myself was all over (don’t ask me to describe the sensation, I just looked up the whole time and blindly dabbed the general area afterwards with a large wad of toilet roll) I left the cubicle, feeling much more refreshed and nourished than before.
Before leaving, we were kind enough to leave a polite note to whoever-it-may-concern at the shop that said ‘SORRY’ in big pink letters with a sad pony face and a teardrop running down its cheek. It was Daisy who drew the picture (I freely concede that art is one of the few skills she’s better at me in, especially as I have no hands to speak of anymore) and came up with the notion of adding the tear afterwards. A nice touch, I thought. My conscience felt better already.
And the good news just kept on coming. Whilst I ‘took care of business’, Daisy sent her letter and got an almost instant response from Celestia (how she got the letter to the Princess so fast, I don’t know; must be some dragon thing) that basically said what Daisy had already predicted … we’d be bummed off to Ponyville at the earliest opportunity, where we’d be supervising some stupid hippie festival and stay at a library instead of the four-star all-expenses hotel we truly deserved.
If I was the gigantic nerd Twilight seemed to be, I’d probably be doing backflips on the dirt road right now. Me, on the other ‘hoof’... I wasn’t quite so enthusiastic.
“It’s a good job we’ll be getting out of here soon enough.” I growled with determined yet groundless confidence, whilst staring out into the horizon expectantly. “I’m not spending the rest of my life surrounded by dull textbooks now my school days are over, especially if I have to live with someone who’s liable to burn us to a cinder given half a chance.”
“Actually I think I’m getting the hang of this ‘dragonbreath‘ thing now, Big Brother. And for your information, you won’t live at Golden Oak forever. At the end of season four, you’ll get your very own castle! It’s made out of special crystal too, all glittery and shiny…”
“Dais, if I could give any less of a f…flip about what overpriced merchandise Hasbros decided to whore to the masses, I’d be amazed! Also, I hate to burst your bubble, but the property in question is manufactured from the cheapest plastic one can import from Hong Kong, not quality glass! Why you never watch any of the programmes I recommend to you, I don’t know. You’d love watching South Park with me: and Mum never has to find out about it. There’s this guy called Butters Stotch, and he’s hysterical! I love the episode where Cartman impersonates his parents, and… oh, finally they’re here.”
The ‘they’ in question were two golden armour-clad pegasus stallions (Or ‘pegasi’ as my smug little sister reliably informed me) pulling a chariot just big enough for a pony and an annoying baby dragon to squeeze into. Celestia’s letter had informed us they’d be here to pick us up at this exact spot a quarter of an hour ago, but needless to say they were late. Just like the taxis back home, some things never change no matter where you are.
‘About time you got here, you tardy buffoons…’ I was about to remark (or something slightly more profane) as they landed, in a fit of anger. But a brief nudge and a disapproving look from my reptilian sister was just enough to get me to bite my tongue ouch to let her say the first few words to them, as per our earlier arrangement.
“Hi. Are you here to pick up Spike and Twilight Sparkle?”
“That’s right. Is that you two?”
“Yep. N-no doubt about it. That’s Twilight Sparkle the unicorn, Celstia’s own personal student over there, and I’m her lovable, huggable and overall highly effective assistant Spike the dragon. Pleased to meet you both. Shall we go?”
The pair of stallions looked at each other momentarily oh please tell me they haven’t rumbled usalready before they shrugged their shoulders in unison, and stepped aside for us to climb onboard their Roman-era vehicle. Well, that was much easier than I thought. I suppose Daisy deserves a bit of credit, considering she didn’t totally mess up for a change. Will wonders never cease.
She seemed to appreciate the silent thumbs-up (or whatever they call it here) I gave her behind the stallions’ back as we lifted off, indicating our first interaction with the residents of this universe had been a rousing success. Now all we have to do is convince everyone else who lives here we exchange more than a few words with that we’ve taken on totally different identities, and everything will work out just fine. Piece o’cake…
Perfectly aware that things weren’t quite going to be that simple, I more-or-less pushed those pessimistic thoughts to the back of my head as I closed my eyes to get some well-deserved rest for the long(?) trip ahead…
…When something one of our chauffeur stallions said to the other caused my eyelids to flicker wide once again. “Did you hear the latest news, Thunderclap? They reckon after the dastardly arsonist tried to destroy the local book depository, they then launched a daring raid on Sesame Seed’s fruit stall while everypony was otherwise occupied, blocked the toilet outside and even left a taunting note before making their getaway. For this awful crime to occur in Canterlot of all places, too. This used to be such a nice neighbourhood. I tell you, nowhere’s safe these days…”
Me and Daisy seemed to gulp simultaneously, then exchanged a look which could be summed up as ‘mild panic’.
Uh oh. And we thought we’d been doing so well. Whatever low profile we’d hoped to keep whilst being here, had just been dealt a heavy blow.
At least we were travelling to a brand new town now. One where we could blend in, escape scrutiny, make a fresh start…
…It may not surprise you that events didn’t quite work out that way.
“...And when you talk to the locals, at least try to sound friendly and that you care what they’re saying. Also, I know you’re not that intelligent, but Twilight is, so if you could pretend to have a big brain that’ll be great…”
“What are you telling me… you don’t think I’m smart? Well, how come you ask me to help you with your homework all the time? I bet you haven't even seen all the complex computer spreadsheets and debugging programs I’ve written either…!”
*Sigh* “I don’t think those ‘skills’ are gonna help us out all that much all the way out here, Big Brother. And I asked you to help me just so I could spend some time with you, otherwise you’d be upstairs all day playing video games or lying in bed. I could easily solve all those algebra questions in five minutes flat even without your or Mum’s help, but I don’t wanna be moved to a higher class. All my friends are in Mrs Grady’s you see, and I’d miss them if I had to go to another teacher. Well, apart from Florian of course.”
Hmm… While it was true my sister was one of the most popular kids at her school (judging by the raucous sleepovers she arranged almost every week at our address which severely impacted my gaming enjoyment and… other activities) I remained understandably sceptical of the rest of her statement there. This was after all, a girl who still struggled to tie her own shoelaces and check both ways before crossing the street. I’ll never forget the time she nearly became part of a Prius’s front bumper whilst running off full-pelt at the sound of an ice cream van. Shudder.
“If you say so, Daisy. ‘Intelligence’ means different things to different people, and just because I might not be great at the things you do at primary school, it doesn’t mean I’m not good at the things I want to do in life. For example, that Shakespeare guy: do they really think all that ‘To be or not to be’ and ‘Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well’ gibberish is of much use in the real world? You could know every one of his plays by heart, and still have all the social skills of an anaemic sloth…”
“Well, if anyone would know anything about that, it’s you Big Brother.”
“...Hey! That was uncalled for. I resemble that remark.” Wait. What did I just say?
“I didn’t mean to be rude, but when you spend half your life in your bedroom and only come out a few times a day for bathroom breaks and to shout at me and Mum to get you a cup of tea, it must be hard to develop decent social skills. So that’s why I’m here teaching you about them now; so you can learn how to make friends easier when you go away, you can get a good job when the time is right, and…”
“ ‘And’…?” I hope she realises I wouldn’t let anyone else speak to me in this outrageous manner.
“...So you don’t give our butts away the first chance you get.” Daisy gestured one of her sharp claws to the front of the chariot, where fortunately it looked like our two pegasi steeds had been far too busy involved in the arduous task of navigating the skies to eavesdrop on our hushed conversation. “I want to enjoy this world for as long as I can while we’re here, and I wouldn’t appreciate it if you had us thrown into prison or a mental hospital before we’ve at least had an opportunity to have a proper look around.”
“Huh? Are you forgetting the main goal here? We’ve supposed to be looking for a way home! Not taking part in a sightseeing tour like we were on holiday in Blackpool, or something.” (You might think I’d come up with a slightly more exotic destination for my brilliant metaphor, but a crappy seaside town was all we could afford after a certain male parental figure ran off with all our loot. That’s a story for another time though, kiddos).
“Yeah, yeah. Of course. I just think it would be a shame to waste this once-in-a-lifetime chance, that’s all.” Daisy didn’t even glance at me as she answered, probably afraid of any awkward follow-up questions that might reveal her true intentions. “Anyway, haven’t you noticed? Thunderclap and… the other stallion are suddenly flying downward. I think we’ll be landing soon in Ponyville, so remember what I told you about acting like Twilight, try to say as little as possible and whatever you do…”
“What?” This child is taking the word ‘precocious’ to unbelievably obnoxious new heights.
“Don’t screw this up.” Wait, where did she learn that kind of language? Was it Florian, or ‘Mrs Grady’, or something? There’s me minding my P’s and Q’s around her for years, and I find out she’s almost as foul-mouthed as me. Why, I’ve got a good mind to drop the F bomb right now! In fact I think I will…”
“F…Fine.” Alas, my courage deserted at the last possible moment, as the grey clouds finally parted and the ‘splendour’ of Ponyville could clearly be sighted from our ever-decreasing vantage point.
“Glad we agree, Darren.” Daisy seemed to be relishing her new ‘leadership’ role, if her broad draconic sharp-toothed grin was anything to go by. “Now, when we land, don’t forget to exit the vehicle carefully, you can hold my claw if you’re afraid…”
“Dais?
“Yes, Big Brother?”
“Don’t push it. I am seriously not in the mood right now.”
******************
After we’d taken our leave of our two guides and they were a mere blot on the landscape (at least I was apparently able to say ‘Goodbye’ convincingly) I took a quick glimpse around my new rustic surroundings.
Hmm. A definite step-down from Canterlot, but still much better-looking than the sh*tty downtrodden neighbourhood I hail from. For a start, none of these houses have their windows boarded up, there’s no hapless drunks lying around in the gutters, no disposable vape packages littering the pavement and… who the Sam Hill is this freakshow?
A bizarro pinkish pony with a puffy tail had just blithely wandered up to me, to stare directly into my confuzzled eyes as if expecting me to say something to her.
As utterly irked as I was by my current predicament, and thoroughly fed-up with my little sister’s new presumed role of ‘wearing the pants’ in our sibling relationship (although neither of us actually wore any clothes to speak of), I couldn’t help but forget her earlier advice and responded to the inquisitiveness of the new arrival with my usual charm and decorum.
“Yeah? What’s your major malfunction, balloon-butt?”
By that, I didn’t mean she had a fat arse. She literally had three multi-coloured balloons engraved onto the side of her garish flank. And I thought having six stars was bad enough. Geez, I wonder how many other of these ‘Cutie Marks’ are gonna make my list of ‘Worst Tattoos Of All Time’ when this is all finally done. Maybe I should start a list…
The strange mare’s reaction to my off-the-cuff remark was… somewhat OTT in my humble opinion. Whereas most humans would’ve probably frowned and ignored me or, at the very most, given me a stern telling-off, this particular pink pony was apparently a bit more emotionally fraught than that.
She exhaled in shock, jumped about five feet in the air (even seeming to freeze in time momentarily) before galloping off into the distance at such a speed that even Lewis Hamilton and the Roadrunner combined might’ve had difficulty keeping up.
Oh, great. Now she’s off to inform all her equine friends what a grumpy old sourpuss has just arrived in Ponyville, and they won’t want anything to do with me. Don’t tell me I’ve messed things up already, in record time even for me. Oh, I can’t wait to hear Daisy’s inevitable lecture about ‘how I can’t be trusted to do anything right’ and how she ‘wished she had a Big Sister instead’. Might as well get it out of the way, I suppose.
Stunningly enough though, and against all preset expectations, Daisy didn’t look that upset. In fact, she seemed to be holding back a major attack of the giggles, and glanced up with amusement at my contrasting dumbstruck expression.
“Oh Darren, don’t you remember Pinkie Pie? The biggest weirdo in all the Main 6? She would’ve responded that way whatever you’d said to her. As long as you’re not that rude when you meet Applejack next, don’t worry… you haven’t done anything wrong. Yet.”
“ ‘Pinkie Pie’? Gosh, with ‘Twinkleshine’ and ‘Moondancer’, these pony names just keep getting more masculine and testosterone-driven, don’t they? What next… ‘Rambo’ and Rocky’?”
“It’s a show aimed at girls like me, Big Brother. What do you expect? Now, follow me. I know where to go first.”
“I thought you said it had adult fans earlier, Dais. Was that something you just made up to win the argument, like you always do?”
“Not this time. You see, they’re called ‘bronys’, and whilst some of them are like you and spend all their time avoiding other people, others form communal groups and even go to conventions, arrange meet-ups, write fanfiction and…”
Fanfiction. The sole refuge for failed authors everywhere. Go figure. I mentally shut out her tedious blathering about how ‘wide, varied and welcoming the MLP fandom was’ as I looked ahead to realise she was leading us both to a farm in the near distance, judging by all the crops I saw growing on both sides.
Well, at least I’ll be able to get something to eat here. You’d think my appetite would be sated for now with that ridiculously large meal I enjoyed back in Canterlot, but it isn’t. I’ll never question the origin of the phrase ‘Hungry As A Horse’ ever again…
“ ‘Pony’, Big Brother. You’re a ‘pony’, not a horse.”
“Wait, what? How did you know what I was…”
“So anyway, the older female fans can be called ‘pegasisters’ or ‘bronys’, it’s entirely up to them. As you can see, it’s not just for little kids, so I’m right again…”
I hope I was talking out loud then without noticing, because otherwise that’s just creepy. I thought, as we passed underneath an archway with a wooden apple carved sign atop it. Still, I can’t dwell on such matters now. I’ve got enough strangeness to contend with here in Equestria, without worrying about my sister’s inexplicable psychic mind-reading powers.
Hi, I’m back again! Sorry for the brief intermission, but normal service has been well and truly resumed.
The reasons for the slight pause in my tale of personal woe, unexpected dimensional-hopping and poignant sibling bonding (not) are twofold.
The first is I had a massive itch in a very awkward position mid-back, and seeing as I have no nails to speak of anymore and a horizontally-elongated body, I was practically forced into using my (so far) useless horn to reach the source of the irritation.
Aah! That’s the stuff! I hope that wasn’t a biting bug… do ponies get flies? I’ve heard of ‘horseflies’, but I’m not a horse as my sister keeps incessantly reminding me, so I should be okay… I think. Damn this light purple fur, parasitic infestations, the fact you can’t get flea collars for equines and this whole stupid babyish made-up universe in general.
The second cause for delay was something a tad less discomforting to my well-being. It was the arresting spectacle of an orange mare wearing a straw hat and her tail tied back charging headlong towards a tree, looking for all the world like she was going to headbutt it into submission.
Or as we say down my neck of the ‘woods’ (get it?) give it a Glasgow Kiss (not as romantic as it sounds).
Huh. This is something you don’t see every day. I didn’t know there were any masochistic ponies in this show. I wonder if this is their version of Jackass? Well, as long as I don’t get hurt, I don’t care. Wish I’d brought some popcorn with me now…
Naturally, things weren’t exactly as they first seemed. What looked like an insane mare well on her way to splitting her skull like an overripe melon was actually something a lot more kid-friendly. Just when it seemed that major cranial impact was unavoidable, she spun about like a dervish to thwack the tree with both of her muscular-looking hind legs…
…Which had the desired effect of dislodging a steady stream of apples from the branches, neatly filling up about four buckets at the roots that’d been placed there with that purpose in mind. Wow. That’s quite a neat trick. Better not let our government at home hear about it though, or foreign fruit-pickers’ dreams of relocating to the UK will be history. This method seems a lot cheaper, quicker… if a lot more sore on the hooves…
“Ahem!” Daisy was tugging at my fetlocks, for she had something she desperately wanted to tell me. “When you’ve quite finished staring at Applejack in admiration, there’s a few things you should know about her. She won’t tolerate any rudeness or dishonesty, so be on your best behaviour. That means no swearing, no name-calling and definitely don’t tell her your favourite joke about the vicar eating jelly babies behind the tombstone…”
“But, it’s a good joke! It always works as an ice-breaker!”
“I don’t think she’d see the funny side to it, somehow.” Daisy narrowed her eyes in annoyance, as Applejack stood back admiring her handiwork (or hoofiwork) in the background. “Now, go over there and say hello. As much as I’d like to do everything for you, as Celestia’s student Twilight Sparkle you have to be the one who makes friends with the other ponies, not me. And remember why you’re here: you’re checking in on arrangements for the Summer Sun Celebration. So be polite, don’t lose your cool, and most importantly of all…”
“Yes…?” I craned my neck to listen.
“Don’t tell her that joke!!” Daisy re-emphasised her earlier warning in far starker terms.
“Okay, okay. I get it. Geez, so sorry for trying to bring a bit of humour to a miserable grey world.” I rolled my eyes in justified indignation whilst gradually making my way over to the hat-wearing pony by the name of Applejack, with my scowling sister observing with her arms crossed and a slight look of trepidation on her face.
Gosh, what a worrywort. When have I ever let her down before? Well, there was that one time. Oh, and that other occasion not so long ago. And just last week, when I… oh, sh*t.
I pushed all those unsettling thoughts to the back of my brain for now, for this was the moment I needed to put my game face on. Applejack hadn’t even noticed our arrival yet, too occupied as she was counting the amount of tasty-looking produce which had amassed into her multiple pails.
Well, here goes nothing… my first proper interaction with one of the residents of this wacked-out animalistic world. I hope she’s not as much of a dumb country hick as she appears; that strong farmyard aroma wafting from her fur doesn’t fill me full of optimism either. Is deodorant another one of life’s necessities they haven’t invented yet in Equestria? Enough endless procrastinating… I just gotta dive right in and hope for the best.
“Hello, my name is Dar… um, Twilight Sparkle, and…”
“Well, howdy-do Miss Twilight! A pleasure makin’ your acquiescence!” Without any warning whatsoever, she practically shook my hoof off during her unnecessarily enthusiastic greeting. “I’m Applejack! We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like makin’ new friends…”
“I can see that.” I forced myself to grin sheepishly in turn, whilst seriously worrying about having a dislocated limb to go along with my raging headache. “Nice set-up you got here. That was a pretty cool thing you did with the tree, too. You’ll have to teach me that some time…”
“A unicorn? Wantin’ to learn how to buck apples? Well I do declare Miss Twilight, you’re a pony after my own heart!”
A little bit of that hillbilly country drawl goes a long way, but at least she seems amiable enough. “Well, I might as well learn something while I’m here, seeing as how my ‘magical’ horn is practically just a powerless upside-down traffic cone on my head…”
This ‘shocking’ revelation was apparently enough to get Applejack to stop shaking my hoof like a particularly stubborn bottle of ketchup, to stare at me with a mixture of genuine sympathy and outright horror. “No kiddin’? A unicorn that can’t even do magic. Why I never heard of somethin’ like that in all my long days! It must be so tough… tell ya what. I don’t usually do this, but if you came here lookin’ for work, I’m willin’ to give you a trial starting today. I know Big Mac would ‘preciate the help, and Apple Bloom and Granny Smith are too young and old to contribute much, respectably. We can’t pay you a lot, but we’d be glad to have you here, and…”
No, no, no! This is all going wrong! I don’t want to settle down here with a tiring menial job cohabiting with a bunch of inbred rednecks. I need to get out of this place ASAP to begin my college life in earnest with a big party, various one-night stands and maybe even a game of beer pong or two!
I just about held it together, although the urge to slap myself in the face at this juncture was nearly overpowering (What stopped me in the end was I got the distinct impression it would hurt. A lot.)
“Thank you for your kind offer Applejack, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to pass. I’m allergic to soil… I mean, worms… I mean, hard work. The real reason I entered your charming farming establishment today was because I’m in charge of supervising the er, ‘Summer Sun Celebration’, and I guess you’re responsible for the um, catering side of things, or something. I’m right, aren’t I?” Please tell me I’m right…
“We sure as sugar are! Sorry ‘bout all that confusion before, but now I know why you’re here… would ya care to sample some food?”
“Would I?! It’s like you took the words right out of my mouth! I suppose Meatloaf is off the menu, but let me guess… you’ve got a few apples spare?”
“Are ya kidding? It’s what we at Sweet Apple Acres practically live and thrive on. Jus’ give me a sec to get everythin’ ready for ya…”
Applejack then produced a miniature metal triangle from practically nowhere (Coincidentally, the only instrument I could passably play in music class) to loudly announce to no-one in particular…
“Soup’s on everypony!!”
Suddenly, it was as if a stampede of buffalo overwhelmed us, as both me and an equally mollified Daisy (who’d been watching on with understandably increasing anxiety) found ourselves caught in a maelstrom of colourful four-legged bodies. When the dust had finally settled we’d somehow been deposited at an outdoor table sitting side-by-side surrounded by eagerly smiling ponies, and Applejack popping up out of nowhere to ask the question…
“Now, why don’t I introduce y’all to the Apple family?”
“Hey, I came here to eat something sweet! Not meet-and-greet!! And where’s the soup you just promised us?!” I growled, markedly irked by both the unrequested relocation and the blatant bait-and-switch going on here.
“That was a pretty funny play on words there, Big Brother! But it’s no good… nopony is listening to you.” Daisy chortled, at least acknowledging my superior wordplay. “Let’s just get everything out of the way, then we can move onto the next pony.”
“Get what out of the way?” I asked her with a raised eyebrow, but the answer came so thick and fast from all around me, she didn’t even have a chance to reply.
Or maybe she couldn’t, as she was currently quaking with silent mirth at my growing discomfiture at the rampant lunacy that inevitably followed.
“This here’s Apple Fritter, Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple…”
As Applejack loudly announced each member of her ginormous extended family in turn (obviously, birth control wasn't a 'thing' here either) and each one emerged dropping assorted apple-related provisions onto the table into a big heap, I lost more and more of my will to live. And most of them are named after types of apple or apple dishes, you say? When it comes to bad puns, the writers of this show have got me beaten to a ‘pulp’. Get it? Apple pulp? Nah, even after that, I still lose by a country mile.
It was near the end of this massively overlong ‘reunion’ of complete strangers that a searching question appeared in my ailing brain, that I really should’ve held back from public discourse. But seeing as I was being assaulted from all sides by these awful apple gags disguised as ponies, what was one more to add to the Hall Of Shame?
“Where’s ‘Rotten Apple’, if you don’t mind me asking?”
The second those words left my lips, Applejack stopped introducing the latest member of her hick clan (I think it was ‘Apple Cinnamon Crisp’ or something else that sounded like a breakfast cereal) to glance at me in surprise, and a more general gasp could be heard from the multitudes of other farmyard ponies in attendance. Even the off-key banjo music that comprised the soundtrack had screeched to a halt. Uh oh.
“Why, he’s at that strict boardin’ school way down in Fillydelphia to help straighten him out, of course. How y’all know about him? That were supposed to be a closely-guarded secret. Even our nearest family barely mention his name, on account of what he did…”
The until-now paragon of friendship that was Applejack suddenly regarded me with outright suspicion, and even worse there were incriminating whispers from the many other curious ponies dotted around us; “Who is this strange unicorn… where did she come from… is she spying on us… did y’all hear her say she can’t even use her horn… never heard of anything like that before...she even walks weird.”
“Um, I think we better go. Now.” There was no point in Daisy nudging me to urge that, having already reached that same conclusion myself about a minute earlier.
“Y…Yep, let me just quickly grab something for the road.” I snatched a couple of apple-tastic treats from the table, before turning to indicate my departure. “You pass the food inspection with flying colours; no rats, mould or avocados whatsoever. Ten out of ten from me. I’ll send you a copy of my report later, time permitting. Well, be seeing you!”
Wasting not one more solitary second, I instinctively grabbed an unstruggling Daisy to physically place her onto my back, before running like the clappers into the distance… almost colliding with an approaching wrinkly old green mare and a yellow filly sporting a natty ribbon en route.
“Daisy, who’s ‘Rotten Apple’? I only said it as a joke!”
“I have no idea! Maybe there’s more to canon than what we saw in the show. I thought the only 'bad' Apple family member was Babs Seed. Before she got reformed, that is...”
“Well in any case, I think we’ve burned that particular bridge. I just hope that whatever we have to do to get out of this crazy place, we can do it without the help of the Apples and their football squad of a family. Where to next?”
“Please don't mention 'burning' to me, I still remember what happened back at the library. And I don’t wanna tell you because if you mess things up with her it’ll make me really angry, but a pegasus called Rainbow Dash. She looks just like my last birthday cake. As I’ve told you before plenty of times, she’s Best Pony… so if you ruin my chances at being with her I-I’ll…”
“Yeah, yeah. Roll around on the floor and scream your head off. Not something I haven’t seen before, believe me.” I glanced backwards to see if we were being followed, but fortunately it looked like the only activity came from Applejack and some big scarlet lug who watched us leave without a word.
Phew, glad I skedaddled out of there before I had to face that huge red bruiser of a stallion. In my current state and size as a weak, feeble mare he would’ve made mincemeat out of me. I really need to stop with the random meat analogies though, because it just reminds me what I’m missing…
“Big Brother! Focus!!”
“Aargh! Alright, Dais. Focusing! You don’t have to yank my mane quite so hard…”
************************
“Hey, Big Mac. Did somethin’ strike you about that unicorn, Miss Twilight Sparkle? Did she seem a little… odd to you? Even though she had great taste in food, I mean.”
“Yup.”
“My thoughts exactly. Methinks there may be more to her than meets the eye. I’m just gonna head into town and ask a few questions. D’ya mind holdin' down the fort til’ I return? Don't forget to bath Winona, neither.”
“Nope.”
“Thanks, Big Brother. I knew I could count on you.”
“Oh my Gosh, Oh my God, Oh my, Oh my… I can’t believe I’m gonna get to hang out with the Rainbow Dash! I loved her in the cartoon, but I never thought I’d get to meet her face-to-face! This is like…seeing Justin Bieber in person, or something! If Florian could see me now, she’d be screaming her stupid head off! And it’d serve her right, too!”
“...Not that I’m at all interested, but how did you guys fall out in the first place? Mum mentioned something about a ‘missing hair scrunchie’, but there must be more to it than that, to break up with your best friend, surely?”
“There was totally more to it than that, Big Brother! I was always gonna give it back! It fell out of her hair during class, that’s all. I just picked it up and was showing it off to a few of my other friends, but she accused me of stealing it! So then I slapped her, and…”
“Wait. You hit her? Exactly how much of this story does Mum know, Daisy?”
“Only what she needs to. Anyway, we got into a big fight, now some of my friends are on her side and some are on mine. It’s her fault for saying stuff about me that wasn’t true, it’s her fault for splitting our friend group forever and it’s her fault we had to spend double detention with the worst teacher in the school, Mrs Truncheon. I hate her.”
“...Can we go back to the part where if you’d just returned the scrunchie in the first place, none of this would’ve happened? Or, perhaps you could’ve explained yourself to her through peaceful dialogue, rather than losing your cool and landing her a haymaker? I’m sure there were easier ways to resolve this than through violence, and losing a long-term friendship…”
“What do you know about ‘friendship’, Big Brother? I wish the real Twilight Sparkle was here, to see how you’re messing up her life! Besides, you weren’t there! You didn’t see the horrible look on her face when she was yelling and pointing at me in front of the entire playground. She totally deserved it. Emma agrees with me. So does Katie, Arabella…”
“Okay, I don’t know who any of those are and I don’t think it’s important, Daisy. What I will say in my defence though, is that you try taking control of an unfamiliar body in a world you’ve only glanced at briefly on a TV screen!”
“Um… scales, horns, sharp claws and teeth… do you see my point here?”
“Yes, but even though you’re a dragon now, at least you know your way around this crazy place! I can’t believe I have to rely on my short-tempered brattish little sister to guide me around. What would the fellas back home have to say about this?”
“ ‘Fellows’? I thought you only had one friend, that spaced-out guy who used to spend all that time up in your room every night until he went away? I still remember when I saw that funny-smelling smoke coming from your open window, and you bribed me with five pounds to keep quiet about it. Maybe I should’ve asked for ten…”
“His name was Alex! And I thought, as per our agreement, we would never discuss that unfortunate incident again. I suppose it’s my fault, trying to make a deal with an eight-year old girl… yuck, when did it get so muddy around here? I swear, these hooves are the worst. Why can’t ‘horseshoes’ mean something that can actually protect your feet, like human shoes do…”
“E-Erm… Darren..”
“Honestly, the more I see of this weird universe, the more I despise it! Just stupid, sappy ponies with nothing better to do than say how much they love each other, and if you don’t follow their mushy cult they instantly brand you as an ‘outsider’ and chase you away. Look what happened back on the farm! Not proportioning blame here, but I bet if you weren’t such a rabid superfan of this cr…ud, then we wouldn’t be stuck here as a dragon who can’t control her fire and a pony who can’t even do magic! Anyway, what did you want to say? How you can’t wait to braid Rainbow Dash’s mane and ride her around like you’re doing to me right now, I suppose? Yeah, very interesting.”
“...Well if that’s how you feel, guess I’ll let you experience the surprise for yourself.”
“What ‘surprise’? What are you talking about? And where the heck in the big, blue yonder is Rainbow…”
*BAM! SPLASH.*
Yes, fans of this accursed show reading this now who know every episode like the back of their sweaty palms, exactly what you expect happened next… happened.
And my darling baby sister, who could’ve warned me about the upcoming disaster but instead chose to jump off my back with seconds to spare to watch the inevitable collision with me and her idol whilst sporting a smirk the size of the Equator, just let it happen.
Are you starting to get the picture now that she isn’t quite as sweeter-than-sweet as her innocent butter-wouldn't-melt demeanour would suggest?
Watch your cookie jar around her, is all I’ll say. And keep all hair decorations under lock and key.
Regardless, in case you haven’t got the memo, I was currently face-down in the same puddle of muck I’d been trotting in before, thanks to some bluish winged mare with a rainbow-streaked mane and tail plus a Cutie Mark that showed a multi-coloured bolt of lightning emerging from a cloud.
(In my opinion, it should’ve been a myopic old lady with a feeling stick in one hand and a guide dog in the other, but I don’t get to choose these things. Even though I should).
Yes, it was the one-and-only Rainbow Dash in the flesh, going by all the available evidence. Sherlock, I hope you’re taking notes.
She lay right on top of me in the dirt, with a nervously sheepish look on her face, and all I wanted her to do was budge a couple of inches upwards so I could impale her on this sharp horn on my head that hadn’t had any practical use at all (until now, perhaps).
“Er… ‘Scuse me…” She chuckled as she finally fluttered off my drenched furry form, giving probably the worst apology ever. “Let me help you…”
If her sorries were lame, her way of ‘correcting’ her mistakes was even worse. I hadn’t even fully recovered from the impact and subsequent soaking before she’d somehow dragged a grey raincloud to where I still lay prostrate, before bouncing up and down on it to immerse me in freezing cold water. If I was wet before I was positively drenched now.
“Oops, er... guess I overdid it.” Rainbow said unnecessarily, but before I could politely say 'no way hosey' to any more of her unwanted ‘help’, she’d already made other plans. “Um, er… how about this?”
She then proceeded to spin around me like a hurricane, mumbling something about a ‘Rain-blow Dry’ (the wind whistling all around was too loud to make out her exact words; not that I think I missed anything essential after that awful pun).
After the ghastly gusts had finally died down, and I’d just been immersed in muck, freezing water and a raging storm in short order, I was not in the best frame of mind as you can well imagine… and even less so if I’d have had access to a mirror going by the way my now bouffant mane was dangling over my forehead like an overgrown lavender bush in desperate need of trimming.
“No, no. Don’t thank me. You’re quite welcome.” Rainbow stated with understated triumphalism, and that was just about the last straw. This f****r physically assaults me, nearly drowns me, almost blasts me away to The Wonderful Land Of Oz then has the audacity to ask for a ‘thank you’? Why you…
It was the maddening laughter in the background from my obviously amused sadistic little sister that finally made me snap. No way of getting back to Earth… stuck in this disturbingly unfamiliar body I don’t understand and by extension this entire wacked-out world… having to take part in this dumb quest I don’t even want to do… and now to be treated in this appalling manner. By the most obstinate, egotistical, pain-in-the-flank individual it’s ever been my misfortune to meet, pony or otherwise; I’ve had all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more.
“Why don’t you look where you’re going, you short-sighted maniac? You could’ve caused a serious accident! You shouldn't even be allowed out on the road! Your licence should be thrown into a paper-shredder! Then, you proceed to soak me to the bone, and nearly cause me to be blown away by a tornado. What part of that pattern of abuse do you think deserves a ‘thank you’, Rainbow Dash? Or should I say, Rainbow Crash.”
This seemingly unflappable (get it?) pegasus rolled her eyes through most of my blistering lecture there and even seemed on the verge of falling asleep… that was until the last two angry words that left my mouth. “W-What did you just call me?”
“Didn’t you hear me first time? Okay, I’ll repeat it… so even somepony as inexplicably dense as you can understand. ‘Rainbow Crash’. A name well-earned I’d say, and certainly one that reflects your true self far more than your current one does.”
“H-How did you know… W-What happened to me in flight school? I-I thought it was only me and Flutters who…”
“Huh, what are you talking about?” Despite me obviously being the injured party here, I couldn’t help but feel a tad guilty as the previous bastion of confidence Rainbow Dash seemed on the precipice of bursting into tears. “Relax dude, I was only blowing off some steam…”
“You know what, it doesn’t matter anymore. I got over my past a long time ago, and I don’t give a flying feather what anypony thinks. I will make the Wonderbolts someday, and prove all of you jealous haters wrong! So call me whatever you like, we’ll see who has the last laugh when I’m soaring through the sky alongside Spitfire and the rest of the gang! What a shame, unicorn-who’s-name-I-don’t-know-and-don’t-care, I thought you looked kind of cool from up high, but I guess even I can be wrong sometimes. Goodbye, but first a word of advice; you better adjust that attitude problem of yours, or you won’t make any friends around these parts. Especially looking like that…”
I was about to call out Rainbow’s blatant hypocrisy in talking to me about having an ‘attitude problem’, as well as ask her what she meant by ‘looking like that’, but she’d already blasted herself over the horizon even before I could flap my yap. Hmm. She’s fast, I’ll grant her that. Maybe I should’ve offered her a job as my Uber Eats delivery person. Cold pizza pies are just the worst… hey, what’s with Daisy all of a sudden?
“Really, Big Brother. Just when I think you can’t stoop any lower, you go and use somepony’s fillyhood trauma against them? Shame on you! I thought you were better than that, but I suppose now I know differently.” She’d stopped laughing like a deranged hyena at my perpetual suffering a while ago, and now regarded me with a withering look of the utmost disappointment, which somehow seemed even worse.
“Hey, wait just a second!! I don’t watch the show religiously like you do, so how was I meant to know calling her “Rainbow Crash’ was going to trigger some unpleasant flashback in her brain? This is just like that “Rotten Apple’ situation; I know nothing about Equestria and all the weird creatures that live here, so how can I tell when I’m about to put my foot… or rather, hoof in it?”
Daisy looked like she wanted to say something clever in response, but (for once) the biggest self-proclaimed smartmouth around was unable to think of an effective counterargument to my point. “I-I guess you’re right.” She reluctantly acknowledged, kicking the ground in annoyance. “You don’t know anything at the best of times, so how should I expect you to be up-to-date on the troubled backstory of a character you’d never really heard of before? I was just frustrated that I didn’t get to say ‘hi’ to her, or even ask her to sign my tail. Plus, we didn’t manage to get her to clear the sky for the Summer Sun Celebration. What will Celestia think now, when she sees so many clouds remaining…”
“You know what, at this point… I could not care less.” I grumbled with a frown, indicating where on my back Daisy could resume sitting. “Let’s just go to the next destination, and we’ll deal with the consequences of our actions later.”
“Your actions mostly, Big Brother. And if you don’t mind, I’ll walk for a while. Your back is still kinda wet, your mane looks utterly ridiculous… and to be totally honest, I don’t think that’s just mud you fell in.”
********************* Stupid stuck-up unicorns. Think they’re better than us pegasi just because they can use magic. Serves me right I suppose for trying to be friends with them, I guess. Never trying that again. At least earth ponies are humble enough to accept their limitations in tending the land. In fact, there’s a friendly-looking one down there now staring right at me. Think I’ll nip down and say hello to her. I could do with a nice long chat, after that last unpleasant encounter.
“Hi, I’m Rainbow Dash! What’s your name?”
“Hi Rainbow Dash! I’m Applejack of Sweet Apple Acres!”
“T-That’s some hoofshake you got there, Applejack. Anyway, what are you doing in Ponyville today?”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you ‘bout that. That purple unicorn with the baby dragon I just saw you speakin’ to… mind if I ask you a few questions ‘bout her…?”
“Oh hardy ha-ha. I’m laughing so hard, my tail is shaking. But seriously, I’ve just had a thought…”
“Better grab it and bottle it up, then. You might need it some day.”
“Enough of the childish sarcasm, Daisy.”
“But I am a child, Darren. I’m only doing what comes natural(!)”
“...Anyway, before I completely lose the will to live at your futile attempts at being funny, here’s what I noticed. Ever since we’ve arrived in Equestria, I’ve sort of been following your lead. I mean, the amount I know about this dumb show is roughly the same as Sesame Street or Sophia The First, so it seemed like a good idea at the time to listen to an alleged ‘expert’...”
“I never watched Sophia The First when it was on, far too girly for me. And what the heck is Sesame Street?! You’re showing your age there, Big Brother.”
“...At this point Daisy, I can’t tell if you’re joking or not, but if you’re not that’s practically sacrilege. In any case, stop interrupting and let me get to my point.”
“Please. We’ll be meeting Rarity soon, and I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to fake having a crush on Worst Pony. So rude, full-of-herself, such a spoiled diva, and her voice really drives you up the…”
“Are you positive we’re talking about Rarity here, or are you having an increasingly rare moment of self-reflection?” Hurray, I finally got one in! “To go back to what I was saying earlier, I’ve been doing the calculations from the second I decided to start listening to your ‘sage’ guidance, and…”
“No need to thank me, Big Brother. I do it out of love(!).”
“If you’ll just let me finish, I wasn’t going to mention anything of the sort. Basically, I reckon I would be in just as good a position in escaping this crazy place if I was flying solo, instead of getting instructions from someone who as of this moment, I’m not even sure wants to get out of here!”
“W-What are you trying to say…?” At this juncture, Daisy came to an abrupt halt to gaze sadly at me with those big ol’ cute eyes of hers.
“Hate to break it to you Dais, but this ain't Shrek and you’re not exactly Puss In Boots. There’s a distinct difference between a cute kitty staring at you, and a scaly scary dragon with horns and spines and teeth and stuff. Still, nice try.”
“Damn it. I figured that because both of us had big slit eyes, it might make up the difference.”
“Nah. In answer to your question though, let’s review the facts about what happened since we got here. You almost fell to your death from a tenth-storey window, wasted a lot of time looking for a book we didn’t need then started a major fire. Not what I’d call an auspicious beginning.”
“I’m not sure what Or… or… that second-to-last word you said means, but give me a break! I’d just arrived on the set of one of my favourite shows and was excited to look around! And that fire thing was an accident, which I’ve already said sorry for over and over again. What about you, stealing food and making a complete mess of somepony’s place of business? A brilliant Princess Of Friendship you turned out to be!”
“I never asked for this foreign body, that particular role or any other such major responsibility, so I’m okay with letting you down on that score, Daisy. Leaving aside your other accusations for now, your terrible attempts at getting us to befriend the other ponies have gone from bad to worse. You know the scripts of the show off by heart! Why didn’t you tell me exactly what they were gonna say in advance, so I could’ve prepared before embarrassing myself by engaging them in conversation on the hoof?” Oh I just thought, that phrase has never been more appropriate than it is here.
“Because, Big Brother, that might seem like I had some faith in your ability to handle the situation like a normal person would. And considering ever since Dad left us, all you’ve done is sulk up in your room without making any effort to interact with the outside world, forgive me for thinking you might not be very good at it! So the best I could hope for is to cross my claws and hope you did a decent job; and well, all I can say is so far you’ve been a big disappointment. Not a surprise exactly, but even so…”
“Is that so…? Well allow me to ‘lay’ a little something on you for the history books; I wasn’t hibernating upstairs because I was pining about Dad, it was because you and Mum were driving me crazy. The constant crying, the non-stop arguing… no wonder I started hanging out with Alex and trying new, um, ‘recreational’ activities. It was the only way I had of keep my sanity in our nutty household. Believe me, if I could’ve gotten away much earlier to university than this month, I would’ve. And now of course, this happens. Talk about Lady Luck not only turning her back on me, but pushing me off my bike and taking a giant dump in my grilled cheese sandwich.”
“W-What’s wrong with me and Mum? D-Don’t you love us?”
Oh, great. She’s pulling out those crocodile tears again. Well, I won’t be falling for this trick a second time. “You know I do. I just didn’t go to family counselling with you because uh, I wouldn’t have gotten anything from it. I was dealing with things in my own 'unique' way, I would’ve just been a burden on you both if I’d interfered…Yes, that’s it!” Bravo, Darren. It sounded so convincing. Slow hand clap for you.
“Y-You don’t know that for a fact. We needed you. I needed you. I needed my Big Brother… but he wasn’t there. W-Where were you?!”
What is this crushing feeling in my chest… surely I’m too young for a coronary… argh! Don’t do it Darren, don’t do it… you’re stronger than this… “D-Daisy, you know I’ve always cared for you. The same applies to Mum. But I had my own internal mental shi… stuff to sort out, and trying to comfort you would’ve just made things worse. I’m no good at that kind of thing, so I was probably doing you a favour in the end.”
“Well, you can start trying right now to make up for it. Tell me you love me.”
“What?! Daisy, don’t be weird. Well, weird-er I mean.”
“I’m not being ‘weird’, Big Brother. This is a one-hundred percent genuine request for you to tell me you love me. It would make me feel tons better, and I can’t think of a better place to say it than on this show. So go on, do it.”
“U-Ummmm, have you ever noticed how many of the ponies we see walking around have similar designs? I bet that’s to save on the cheap animation budget, even though they all get it done abroad. And what’s with those highly-static clouds? They never seem to move at all. Not like the real thing is it...”
“Classic Darren, always trying to change the subject to get himself off the hook.” Daisy eyed me cynically, very well aware of what my gameplan was here. “Only this time, I won’t let you get away so easy. Now, are you going to tell me you love me to my face, or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?”
“Wut... Tickle?! S-Stop… you w-wouldn’t. Y-You couldn’t. Y-You shouldn’t. Not in front of all these people.”
“They’re ponies Big Brother, and they’re used to seeing each other do silly stuff like roll-around and laugh in the street. This is the land of friendship, after all. So, what’s it gonna be? A public confession? Or The Tickle Monster? Something tells me your main weak spot will be just the same as when you were a human… right on your belly.”
How did she remember… “H-Hang on, can’t we just discuss this for a… I-I mean, those claws look mighty sharp, I don’t want to get hurt…”
“I’ll be gentle, I swear. And this is your last chance, Come clean with how you feel about me, or face the wrath of… The Tickle Monster!!”
“O-Okay, Daisy if this is what it’s come down to… I loathe you! Oops, I meant I leave you.” Why can’t I say it? It seems so much simpler in the movies… “I l-l-l-lov…”
“You can do it, Big Brother! I believe in you!”
“...l-l-like you.” Phew “Close enough, you think?”
“No, not really. You know what this means, don’t you?”
“Erm, I need to work on my emotional needs? Repressed thoughts? Pronunciation?”
“Nope, it means the tickle monster has been well-and-truly let out of its cage and is running riot. Here they come, ready or not. Grr!”
“Oh n… aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…!”
“Ahem! If the two of you are quite finished, you’re disturbing a very important task Princess Celestia herself entrusted me with, so if you could take your general tomfoolery and shenanigans elsewhere I’d be most grateful, and… what the…”
Okay, if you’re a bit confused about what's going on right now, let’s roll things back a wee bit shall we?
The first thing you should know is my not-so-secret tickling zones were just as devastatingly efficient as ever, more’s the pity. Even as a pony (yes, I have no choice but to accept that now *sad face*).
The second is me and Dais seemed to have wandered as far through town as just outside a great hall without even noticing, as caught up in our ‘lively’ debate as we were.
The third, and most pertinent event, was apparently we’d disturbed a white unicorn hard at work inside by all the racket we were making. As she came outside to remonstrate with us though, something else seemed to grab her attention enough to pull a look of the highest disgust.
“Awful. Simply hideous, darling… just what have you done to yourself?!”
“Hey! I know Daisy looks a tad different now, but she’s not that bad-looking… in a reptilian sort of way. Besides, the only one that’s allowed to insult her so outrageously is me…!”
“I wasn’t referring to your little dragon friend, sweetie; who may I add is clearly a male of the species. I was talking about you. How many hedges were you dragged through backwards to get your mane and tail looking that bedraggled… no, no this won’t do at all. It doesn’t matter how rushed off my hooves I am right now decorating, this is a beauty emergency! Come to my boutique this instant and we’ll get you looking right-as-rain, my treat. I simply won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.”
Darn it, she guessed my very next line. I realised in quick resignation, as a faint blue light engulfed me and I was dragged off completely against my will by this pretentious funny-accented mare. Is she trying to sound posh and English, or is this a bad parody? Either way, I get the distinct impression I’m not going to enjoy what comes next… hello, what’s on Daisy’s mind?
You’d think by now my sister would be drinking in my obvious discomfort, or at the very least shamelessly mocking me for the powers this other unicorn (who I would later find out was indeed ‘Rarity’) demonstrated that I clearly lacked.
Instead though, she was looking at her claws with puzzlement, and this is what was on her mind. Huh. He’s got a lot more… tiny thingies in that area than he used to have. And what’s with that double swelling; something else I’ll save telling him about until later. Like, when it’s most awkward. Hehehe….
So it was, as I was hauled off to my apparent doom and Daisy was just happy to have yet another piece of potential blackmail to hold against me, we didn’t spot the two distant figures, one cyan winged form in the sky and one dusty orange individual on the ground.
Observing. Analysing. Speculating.
In other words, being a pair of all-round nosey-parkers who should keep their muzzles out.
Why did we raise suspicions wherever we went? I mean, we’d spent a day-and-a-half at least in this stupid fantasy horsie world so far, surely that’s considered long enough to be fully indoctrinated as one of the locals?
Apparently not. Shocked faces all around, I know.
And things were only going to get more complicated from now on. Buckle up.
(That’s the last bit of equine-related terminology you’ll hear from me. Honest)
“Yeah, of course I did. What’s with the little dragon being called Daisy?! Not really a dragon-type name, is it? I mean, it’s okay to like flowers I guess, but dragons? I’ve never heard of such a thing…”
“No, not that, Rainbow Dash. I was talkin’ ‘bout them supposedly being Brother and Sister. Must be an adoptive situation. Also, though I was a fair distance away, I’m sure I heard somethin’ ‘bout them not being from ‘round here…”
“Well, that much is obvious, Applejack. I don’t know how many dragon and pony families there are, but my guess is… not many. One of my best friends is a griffon, but I think I’d draw the line at having her as my sister! That’s if my parents didn’t drive her away first with their constant…”
“Shush, Rainbow. I need to concentrate. I don’t know what it is, But I feel somehow… drawn to this particular unicorn in a big way, and I won’t stop researchin’ her ‘til I figure out why.”
“Which one, the prissy one or the weird one? And by ‘researching’, do you mean stalk...”
“I suppose you could put it like that, yes. Usually I wouldn’t even consider doin’ such a sneaky thing… but I’ve never felt anythin’ like this before ‘bout a total stranger, and I need answers. Feel free to join me, or go back home any time you want.”
“...I wasn’t gonna say anything, Applejack, in case you thought I’d gone nuts, but I’ve been having the same thoughts too. So I’m not going anywhere, even if it’s just to see how that unicorn knows all that private stuff about us and to laugh at the existence of a dragon called Daisy(!)”
“...Well in any case, glad to have your company. My brother can take care of the farmwork while I’m gone, I hope I’m not keepin' you from anything important.”
“Um, not really. I was just gonna catch some Z’s, maybe kick a few clouds later out of the sky to clear it up. Do you wanna know my record-breaking time? You’ll never guess…”
*******************
“No, no. Too green…” Wait, did I just look like The Statue Of Liberty? I suppose that just about passes muster as an ‘adult’ joke in a kids cartoon.Well done, writers. Well done indeed.
“Too yellow…” Too flowery, and too skirt-like you mean! And I’m a dude! Dudes don’t wear skirts… unless they’re Scottish. Which I’m not!
“Too poofy…” Hang on, did she use an anti-gay slur? Of course not, this is the late 10’s and everyone should be treated equally. Well, apart from deadbeat dads. Screw them.
“Not poofy enough…” Okay, so I can tell this show was made in America, because in Britain that term can carry a whole different offensive meaning. See also: Spaz.
“Too frilly… Too shiny… Too…”
“...Yeah, this is ‘Too’ much! Rarity, was it? I came here to check on your decorations for the Summer Sun Celebration, not to act as your unpaid model for the day! I’m sure there are plenty of born suckers around here who’d gladly jump at the chance to be dressed up, prodded and primped like some kind of stick-thin Barbie doll for free, but I’m not one of them! As much as I’m sick of walking around naked, I think even that’s preferable to any of the tacky creations you’ve shown me here today. So give me a break, put the tape-measure and the box of pins down, and step away quietly. Please!!”
Still with me here? Okay, let me fill you in on what’s been happening over the last few hellish minutes…
*A demented designer pony-napped me through sheer force (well, magical) to try on her experimental garments. Not my idea of how to spend a productive half-an-hour, as a hostage to fashion. Literally.
*I did like the part where she nicely straightened my mane and tail again after that multicoloured air-hazard otherwise known as Rainbow Dash messed them up with her recklessness, but I never should’ve added ‘If there’s ever anything I can do in return…’ to my thanks.
*Daisy was naturally in her element, stifling continual fits of laughter whilst mocking Rarity directly to say things like ‘Oh Darling, you look simply smashing.’ and ‘That bonnet goes just gorgeous with your fur.’ If the naively flattered unicorn had any idea of how much my sister despises her, she never would’ve given the brat that amethyst to munch on (Garnet and Pearl are next, I suppose).
*So anyway, after the umpteenth unrequested costume change I slowly but surely began losing the will to live, and fired off one of the petulant rants which has won me so many friends back home (and here). There then followed a brief period of silence as my fellow unicorn fully digested every cutting word, and now I bring you back to the present with her shouted exclamation of…
“T-Tacky C-Creations?!”
Reader, you will not believe what happened next. I thought I’d be fully prepared for everything at this point after what I’d seen and heard since waking up here around 36 hours ago (sorry if I’m a bit off there, I seem to have left my Apple watch on my bedside table).
Did we come to blows? No… besides, she didn’t strike me as the physical type.
Did she barbecue me with her magic? Not exactly, although at this juncture it would almost be a merciful release for me.
She didn’t even shout or curse or swear, which is probably what I’d have done if some churlish know-it-all pony deigned to tell me how bad I was at my job (although judging by her triple-diamond Cutie Mark, perhaps becoming a jeweller might be more her thing?)
No, instead she burst into tears.
Not just one, or two, or two million even.
A torrent. A waterfall, A tsunami.
And before I could even blink, the water was up to my knees…
Then my midriff…
Now, my neck.
They don’t call us ‘Little Ponies’ for nothing, you know. I think even a half-full bath would encompass most of my new miniscule height.
If this most dire of current situations had any upsides, it was that Daisy had it much worse than me. Whereas I was just keeping my head above the flood, she was actively struggling to breathe… and swimming never was really her thing (she’d been reluctant to learn since discovering that chlorine made her eyes sting, and goggles made her look ‘uncool’).
“B-Big… B-Brother. H-Help…” *Glug*
“Ah, so now you need me. What was it you were saying a little while ago, about how ‘useless’ I’ve been since arriving here and how you’d do better on your own? I don’t think there are many famous adventurers out there who can barely doggy paddle…”
“O-Okay… O-Okay. I get it.” *Glub* “I know you love me, and I was just saying all that stuff about how worthless you were earlier to tease you. I’m proud to have you as my Big Brother, and I don’t know what I’d do without you. Mum shouts at me all the time for nothing, and D-Dad…”
“Okay okay, that’s enough. Just promise me one more thing.”
“Anything, anything!”
“Don’t tickle me ever again, unless I specifically ask for it. Which I won’t. And don’t pull on my mane so hard whilst you’re riding me. It hurts. A lot.”
“B-But that’s two things…”
“Do you agree to my terms, or what?”
“Y-Yes, yes! Now hurry up, and get us out of here! The salt in her tears is starting to make me nauseous…”
Ah, that felt good. Now, for the next step… I was so busy lauding the rarest of victories over my usually irrepressible sister, I’d plain forgotten to devise a legitimate plan to get us out of here. Let’s see, the door is shut, all the windows are closed, soon the water level will reach the ceiling and we’ll all be drowned. No problem. If your name is Ethan Hunt, that is.
Unable to think of a viable solution right now, I did my ‘senior sibling’ thing and swam over to Daisy, to deposit her safely on my back once more just above the waterline. “Ssh, it’s okay. I got you. Whatever happens next, we’ll stick together like we have done from the start. Things will work out, you’ll see.”
“I don’t want things to ‘work out’, Darren. I want to leave here right now!! If this is karma for hitting Florian when I knew it was wrong, or for laughing at you all those many times you messed up, or using your toothbrush to clean the toilet when you wouldn’t let me into your room, then I don’t accept it! I-I promise I’ll try to be better from now on, if we can somehow…”
“Hmm, I wondered why everyone commented that my breath stank for over a week. We’ll talk about that last thing later, in the meantime let me just think…” I closed my eyes and ears to block out both the gurgling moisture accompanied by Rarity’s neverending sobs that signified death more with every passing moment, and the panicking voice of Daisy as she somewhat pointlessly gave a running commentary on how close we were to receiving a watery grave.
What a way to go; drowning in a unicorn’s tears. It may sound like a poetic method of dying, but believe me… it ain’t. I wish I was outside right now, in the warm sun, not floating around here about to take my last breath in this overpriced clothes shop. They don’t even have any galoshes, either…
*ZAM! ZAP.*
Well, what do you know.
With absolutely no build-up, foreshadowing, before-show presentation or mystical artefact being needed to locate…
…I learned how to use magic.
And all it took was a precarious life-or-death situation where I was seconds away from being turned into fish food.
What are the chances, eh?
To summarise: My horn briefly lit up, and I disappeared along with Daisy in a flash only to reappear just outside by the heaving front door, with both of us looking like drowned rats and feeling like them, too.
“B-Big Brother, did you just…”
“I-I think so. Come on, let’s get out of here,”
“Wait, what about Rarity? I mean she might be ‘Worst Pony’, but even so…”
“Oops, you’re absolutely right. Here, if I can just force open this door from the outside, then I can…”
It didn’t take much effort for me to pull the entrance wide open, and then the real fun began. All manner of her equipment was washed out onto the ground outside in the massive wave which followed, including several dummies, lots of sodden outfits and plenty of dressmaking paraphernalia…
…And that’s not even counting the very wet cat and a still-sniffling unicorn.
“Look, uh… I’m very sorry I insulted your dresses. If you like that sort of thing, I’m sure they’re great… in a gaudily overproduced kind of way. But right now I have to be heading off with my sis… I mean friend, so I’ll let you clean up, or rather ‘dry up’ here and I’ll see you later, okay? Bye!”
I proffered Rarity a brief tip of the hat (of which there were several lying about, all completely drenched) before once more Daisy hopped on my back without invitation, and we rode off to God-knows-where next.
All that I knew is that chaos and mayhem would lie in our wake. It’s kind of our ‘thing’, you know?
Whether we like it or not.
**********************
“Those philistines! Those vandals! Those… those… ingrates!!”
“Hi! I’m Rainbow Dash, and this is Applejack. We just saw what happened, and we’d like to help. But first, can we have a few words?”
“Give me a couple of minutes, Darling, I need to get all my things back inside, find my mop, make sure Opalescence is none-the-worst for her terrible ordeal…”
“It’s okay Sugarcube, we can wait. Is there anything we can do for you right now?”
“A towel would be nice. Also some mascara, if you can find it. Second shelf from the bottom, if you’re having trouble. Oh dear, what is Sweetie going to say when she comes home to this mess later on?!”
“...Wasn’t she awful?” Daisy was heard to growl, as we trotted away from the sodden boutique at a moderate pace.
“Huh?” I replied, too busy to properly listen as I was trying to put as much distance between us and those crazy ponies as I could. I thought Earth was an asylum, but this place is like if the lunatics were running it…
“It’s a meta joke. A non-fan like you wouldn’t understand.” Daisy chuckled at her own alleged cleverness, before turning her attention back to me. “Still, thanks for saving my life, Big Brother. I mean, you were only kinda doing your job of protecting me like Mum always says, but at least I know I can count on you for something. If I spot any dangers in the future, I’ll be sure to tell you… and you can go first!”
“Thanks… I guess.” I responded to Daisy’s ‘praise’ with an arched eyebrow, realising this was probably as good as I was going to get from her in terms of a genuine compliment. “Anyway, where are we headed to next? I seem to remember some meekish yellow pegasus from the show, who said as few words as possible and knew when to keep quiet. Sounds like somepony a person I know could take some lessons from…”
“That'll be Fluttershy… but never mind her for now!” If Daisy had taken the blazingly obvious hint there, she had a funny way of showing it. “Don’t you realise what you just did back there, Darren? You used magic! That was amazing! How did you do it? What did it feel like? D’ya think you could do it again? Maybe, try something harder than a simple teleportation spell?”
“Um, I really don’t know. I just really wanted to get out of there on account of the fact we were about to run out of oxygen and abracadabra-alakazam! My horn suddenly flared up like a Christmas tree, and we were outside once more. Perhaps this whole sorcery lark is easier than I thought…”
“Let’s see something else now, please Big Brother! A cool blast of magical energy! Make us float to the clouds! Turn me green, or something! I hate being purple…”
“Yeah, it’s not great is it? Everytime I look down at myself, I feel like a giant furry aubergine. Tell you what I’ll do… I’ll zap that stray dandelion in that backyard over there. No one’s going to miss a single weed, are they?”
“What? I always thought they were flowers.”
“Sorry Daisy, but they ain’t. A common misconception, like tomatoes and pumpkins being vegetables and Adam Sandler being funny. Dandelions are considered just as much a pest as thistles, nettles and um, certain other parasitic growths with flowery names you can’t get rid of…”
“No wonder my teacher Mrs Truncheon frowned at me, after I brought her a bunch of them after she returned from major surgery. I-I was just trying to save some money to buy Frozen stickers with, and they looked so pretty there in that field…”
“Yeah, that was probably a bad move. I’m starting to see why she’s always got it in for you. Anyway, step aside, Missy. You’re about to witness a true master magician at work…”
After that aggressively humble introduction, I confidently stepped over to the side of the fence surrounding the garden, ready to pulverise the pesky posie with pure power.
If I can blink out of an overflowing fish tank with nary any effort, this simple incantation ought to be a breeze. Plus, and I’d never say this to her face, it’s actually nice to attract my little sister’s hero worship for a change, instead of being treated like something particularly nasty she stepped in at the park. Regardless, here goes nothing…
I closed my eyes just like I did before, and imagined the dandelion being burnt to a crisp. Utterly annihilated by my awesome energy. Absolutely blown away out of existence. Somewhat over-excited at the prospect of a mere bloom being magically pruned, I tentatively opened my eyelids once again…
…Only to find, where there should’ve been a giant smoking crater on the ground, the wayward weed still waved in the wind without so much as a scratch. I’d like to say I’m surprised but somehow… I’m not. And is it just my fervent imagination, or is that seemingly innocent plant mocking me for my utter failure?
“Typical. Just when I thought you could do something that was actually pretty impressive, you let me down yet again. Tell me Big Brother, what are you good for? Apart from sleeping all day, leaving half-eaten Mars bars lying around and beating a nine-year old girl one-nil at FIFA soccer in extra time, I mean…”
“W-Well, I did kinda sorta save your scaly hide back there at the clothes shop. You even told me that yourself.”
“Oh that? That was yesterday’s news. I’ve forgotten about it already. You better keep on doing amazing things, to stay in my good books. Like this, for example. Brace yourself…”
“Erm, what are you doing, Daisy? Why have you gotten off my back? Why are you taking in such a deep breath? Why are you…” Uh oh.
Realising what my determinedly rebellious, law-unto-herself little sister was about to do, and remembering what happened the last time she decided to heedlessly play with fire, I quickly took a few paces backwards in understandable fear of the inferno from hell she might unleash. The way she’s going at the moment, we’ll have burned Ponyville to the ground before we escape from it. Can’t wait ‘til the upcoming MLP reboot, set in a post-aclopalyptic society…
My thoughts were interrupted by my draconic sibling exhaling with great vigour, and a thin stream of controlled flame emerge from her reptilian mouth. It sped towards its golden target like an arrow, leaving the unsuspecting dandelion incinerated within seconds. Nothing remained but the faintest wisp of smoking vegetation in the breeze, and (naturally) the ever-present insufferable smugness of my sister, which could almost be considered a physical object in its own right.
“See, I told you I had control over my fire powers now. You didn’t believe me, did you? But I proved you wrong, oh yes I did!!”
“Fine, you’re an expert at gardening now. If we ever get home and you’re still in the same body, I’m sure Mum would be grateful if you’d help her with our rose bush. Those nasty thorns won’t ever bother her sore hands again, and that bad back of hers will be a thing of the past!”
“...Don’t even joke about me having to live looking like this forever, Darren. I will not be graduating to secondary school with a tail, horns and a non-stop hunger for jewellery! Anyway, now I’ve proven my superiority to you beyond any reasonable doubt, shall we go find Fluttershy? Remember: the trick around her is to not raise your voice, and…”
“My dandelion! My prize dandelion!!”
“...Yeah, like that. Just like that, Big Brother. Don’t shout like a maniac when we see her, or we’ll lose the last of our chances at befriending any of the Main Six, and possibly our only opportunity at defeating Nightmare Moon…”
“Er, Dais… it’s not me making that noise. Take a look over there.”
“My precious dandelion!! How could you… monsters!! Hoodlums!! Villains!!”
“Wut? Why, that’s…”
Whilst Daisy had been bragging about ruling the world based on her enviable ability to dispose of a single weed with a flamethrower, the door to the house near the backyard had swung open. There stood a middle-aged white-maned mare with large spectacles jumping up and down, yelling at the top of her voice. I could not really tell what colour the rest of her fur was, since she’d literally turned red with anger. Well, reddish anyway.
“Huh, what’s your problem? It was only a single dandelion! If anything, you should be thankingus for doing your manual labour free of charge! Do you have a fetish for weeds, or something? How strange…”
I couldn’t help but react with slight incredulity at what I regarded as a massive overreaction by the geriatric pony. This is why I don’t get on with mouthy pensioners. Yeah sure, you fought in the war, brought up the next generation and helped lay the foundations of today. Blah blah blah. Still doesn’t give you the right to tell me where or when I can ride my skateboard, does it?
“O-Only a dandelion? Do you have any idea how rare those sacred plants are in Equestria?! I spent half my life, over twenty-five years growing mine, and along you come with your dragon friend to kill it in an instant! There was only one of these in the entirety of Ponyville, and now it’s gone forever… because of you two conscienceless criminals!”
“U-Uh, sorry about that. We’re not from around here, Miss…”
“...Mayor Mare, you cheeky young unicorn! Surely you knew that already, as you were well aware of the damage you’d wrought by destroying my dandelion! Even beyond its picturesque beauty, visitors came from miles around just to see it, take photos, buy merchandise with its image on… you may just have bankrupted Ponyville with your bafflingly destructive urges!”
“Oh Jeez lady, we really didn’t know. You see, where we come from they’re as common as muck, and not exactly worshipped the way they are here…”
“Um Darren, I think it’s time to do what we do best.”
“What’s that Dais, you mean…”
“Vanish into the distance without a trace, after yet another ginormus screw-up?”
“Sounds like a plan to me. Erm, apologies again ‘Mayor Mare’, but we have to be going now. If we find any other ‘valuable’ dandelions on our travels, we’ll be sure to bring them straight to you. Also, if we locate any hair dye, we’ll fetch you that as well. A pony of your tender years shouldn’t be walking around all prematurely grey and stuff…”
“Er, Big Brother, I know you’re trying to be nice and all after what we just did, but she actually dyes it that colour out of choice. Underneath all that white, she’s really as pink as… well, Pinkie Pie.”
“Pffff, don’t be silly, Daisy. Who’d be dumb enough to want to look like an old fogie by choice? You’d have to be a bit stupid to want that, and…” Oops, I just realised who I’m talking to; a walking, talking, fire-breathing Bible of the show. So that means what my sis is saying must be 100% correct, and by that same conclusion we can assume…
Yep, it was foot(hoof)-in-mouth-time once again. A somewhat familiar feeling, with a desperately predictable outcome.
“O-Old fogie? S-Stupid? And who told that dragon about my deepest, darkest secre… hey, come back here, you two! Guards! Stop them; oh wait I forgot, we don’t have any here. I knew I should’ve put aside a few bits to hire some local security in this year’s budget. Still, mark my words, anonymous-pony-and-reptilian-companion, when I find you I’ll… I’ll… I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll have to mull over it for a while. For now though, I need to make some ‘Wanted’ posters, organise a search party… and take my cookies out of the oven!” *SLAM*
******************
*Puff Pant* “You know what, Big Brother?”
“No, oddly enough Dais, I’m not a mind reader. Do lay it on me.”
“I’m starting to think hanging out with you here was a huge mistake. I’m not getting to properly meet any of my favourites from the show or even enjoy the scenery, because of your big mouth!”
“What?! Oh so, she finally admits it! You’re not trying to help us get home at all, you just wanna hang out here sightseeing with your fictional pony friends! Well this ‘pony’ is sick of this place, and wants out ASAP! And no matter how much you try vandalising our chances, I will find a way back!”
“Wait Darren, did I just hear you accuse me…?”
“Accuse? No. Blame? Yes.”
“Y-You take that back!! You take that back right now!!”
“I can’t Daisy, the words have already left my ‘big mouth’. Besides, I’d be a liar if I did that. And you know how Mum always taught us not to lie, right…?”
“Okay, that’s it. I’ve made a massive decision. I’m leaving you thissecond to see more of Equestria while I have the chance without you getting in the way. I’ll probably find a way home way before you too, even though I won't be looking for one!”
“Sounds good to me! I won’t have a spoiled brat cramping my style, giving me bad advice and setting off major fires left, right and centre. Honestly, what else did I expect from a little girl who thinks the answer to every problem is to throw a baby tantrum? I’ll drop you a line when I find my way out of here; come with me if you like, but if you don’t I won’t be shedding any tears.”
“...Fine, Big Brother!”
“... Suits me, ‘Little Sister’.”
“Before I go though, there’s something you should know.”
“Oh, that ‘you truly love me, and things will be different from now on?’ Yeah right, I’m not falling for that one again.”
“Stupid Daisy. Stupid Mum. Stupid Dad. Stupid World full of stupid ponies. Stupid four-legged body with stupid female parts and stupid emotions. Stupid everything… stupid, stupid, stupid.”
After spending the best of five minutes cursing the cruel fate that dumped me here, virtually every facet of my sorry life and turning the air blue with some distinctly unkid-friendly language (FYI, you could substitute the word ‘stupid’ for any of the worst profanities known to salty sailors or barfight drunkards to get a general idea of the verbal filth I unhesitatingly unleashed just now) I was ready to move off on my own... Wait, no I’m not. There's something I have to do first.
I decided to give my undercarriage a quick once-over to see if my thankfully now long-since-departed sister was on the level; and let’s just say I am never putting my hoof down there again.
That entire sensitive area is made up of red-hot coals, as far as I’m concerned. I refuse to believe all that general softness and squidginess below belongs to me, and it’s all I can do now to put the reality of the twin bouncing lumps of fat I feel down there with every painful trot or gallop to the back of my mind.
I am not a magical mare with a horn, I am a human male with a future college degree. I have a strong tenor voice, not a feeble soprano one. I have light brown hair, a few moles on my back and a regular chest. Not lavender fur, six stars near my butt and about a dozen nippl… “Aarrgh!”
Despite straining every sinew, an anguished shriek of agony escaped my lips to express my pent-up thoughts. I like to tell myself I’m a person with pretty strong willpower, that’s how I was able to push through the noisy drama of my parents’ acrimonious break-up to put my nose to the grindstone and clinch a place at university (not the one of my choice, but who cares… it’s better than nothing).
With all the distracting bullsh*t that went on back then, with my cheating father taking off early one morning along with most of our possessions without saying a word, Mother literally tearing what was left of the place apart once she discovered he’d gone for good and Daisy trying to climb into my bed every night in the histrionic aftermath because she felt ‘lonely’ and ‘traumatised’ or something (why d’ya think I have a double padlock with password on my door handle?) this was no small feat, let me tell you.
But being forced into a mythical ‘wonderland’ as a made-up creature of the opposite sex, based on the canon of my most hated of TV shows for little kids and weird adults alike, and never being able to find a route back, both to my home planet and my proper un-equine form…?
This sort of inexplicable dilemma was the stuff true nightmares were made of. If I really thought about it more, I’d probably go certifiably insane. And being treated for a massive mental breakdown in an unfamiliar dimension where nopony would believe me, and their ‘remedy’ for such an extreme feeling of displacement would probably consist of friendship, love and a side-order of heavy snuggling?
No bloody thank you. Failing to come up with an answer to the multitudes of problems that surrounded me, what I really needed was something to take my mind off my apparently hopeless situation, just like lengthy JRPG video games and the occasional (strictly recreational if any law-enforcement officials are reading this) use of Class B drugs did when I hadn’t possessed the ability to sire colourful cute foals. I wanted… no, needed peace, quiet, calmness and… is that the enchanting melody of songbirds chirping away I hear in the distance?
I was never really one for nature back on Earth, quite frankly I kinda took it for granted. In fact, I made a point of laughing at the heavily wrapped-up middle-aged loners who wasted their Saturday afternoons sitting on benches throwing stale pieces of white bread to the skinny ducks at the local pond. (My argument was: you never know how long you’ve got left, so why are you spending your precious time feeding these ungrateful quackers when you could be doing something useful with your life… like, getting a life?)
Now though, I regret every last harsh word and mean remark I callously made about these poor, unfortunate souls as I passed them by, usually on my way to Alex’s house across the park. I get it now. The simple serenity of seeing two mallards fight over a crust, or seeing a large swan swoop at the last minute as if to announce ‘I’m having this’. It’s relaxing, it takes your mind off the stresses and strains of the day… and how I need that right now more than anything. “Hey birdies, don’t go. I-I need you…”
Galloping eagerly forward with a spring in my step once more, as well as being so glad my old school chums weren’t here to see ‘Darren The Hard Man’ (NB: they never actually called me that) so excited over the mere presence of ornithological life, it wasn’t long before I stumbled across the feathered concerto in full chorus on a tree branch, and a more pleasing and pleasant sound you’d be hard-pushed to find. But what really drew my attention was the pink-maned butter-yellow pegasus busy conducting the arrangement nearby.
“Oh my. Um… stop please, everyone.” The performers took a quick break whilst the mild-mannered pony gently scolded one of their number. “Excuse me, sir… I mean no offence, but your rhythm is just a teeny-tiny bit off. A-one and a-two and a-three…”
Hmph. He sounded just fine to me. Everyone’s a critic, I suppose. In any case, it looks like I’ve tracked down Fluttershy before Little Miss Arsonist has, so I better make full use of this golden opportunity. Remember what she told you before she buggered off to God-knows-where… ‘No sudden moves, keep volume to a minimum, and most importantly of all, don’t be yourself’. Wait… was that an insult by stealth?! Why that…
Oops, there'd be plenty of time to cuss out Daisy during our not-exactly long-awaited reunion later. Right now, unless I made a friend, any friend in this crazy land, my chances of escaping here were about on par with learning to control this dumb horn of mine. Which is to say, not good. At all.
Eventually, I just decided to put all my cards on the table and go straight in there. If I snuck up to Fluttershy, or even just stood there staring at her bug-eyed and she noticed me first, she might find that a tad creepy. BANG would go my chance of properly introducing myself in a manner which could be conducive to a long-term friendship.
I mean, those ‘foolproof’ tactics have never worked with me getting a girlfriend when I tried them multiple times before, so why would it be any different with intelligent animal life? Anyway, here goes everything…
“U-Um… Hi? N-Nice birdies.”
The effect my shortish greeting had was instantaneous, and not in the desired way. The skittish pegasus shrieked in surprise at my unexpected declaration, and all the birds abruptly left their perch to fly high in the sky as if expecting a hunter with a gun.
Wow, am I really that off-putting? It doesn't seem to matter what body I inhabit, I bring out the worst in everyone. I could be the perfect hybrid of Brad Pitt and Harry Styles, and they’d still run a mile upon my approach. Way to make me feel good about myself, Fluttershy and assorted company. I’ll leave now, so you won’t have to suffer me any longer…
I was just about to trudge off in defeat once more, depressingly unsure what my next move would be now… when my suddenly watery vision was interrupted by the sensation of a feathery wing gently lifting up my chin, and a genuinely concerned yellow equine face looking back at mine.
“Oh my gosh. Are you… crying?”
“N-No, not at all. I’m a big strong guy, and big strong guys don’t c-cry. I-I just have something in my eye… bad pair of contact lenses… been peeling onions… oh hell, who am I-I kidding… I-I need h-help…”
It had finally happened. The walls of denial had at long last collapsed, the dam had well and truly burst and here I was shivering and shaking as cold, hard reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I found myself sobbing like a newborn whilst vigorously hugging a creature that by all scientific and logical reasoning shouldn’t even exist.
But the fact remained she was here now, when no-one else was. Even at home, with my mum at work most of the time just to make ends meet and my sister trying to wind me up as much as humanly possible, it was hard to find anyone else to confide in.
We all had our own ways of coping with what’d happened to our family just two years ago, and I guess my main method was shutting myself away, refusing to interact with a world that I felt had taken everything from me.
Even though I refused to admit to myself before now, this was the main reason I couldn’t wait to leave for pastures new. Not because of Daisy, as perpetually annoying as she could be. Not because of Mum, so absent most of the time she might as well not be around.
It was the memories of back then, that I thought I’d safely shut away forever and could further distance myself from by leaving home in a physical sense too. I’d put so much stock into this flawed ideal, the fact my plan was thwarted by the most bizarre of occurrences was… disconcerting to say the least.
This predicament I found myself in did have one major upside though; it’d finally made me realise, I needed to talk to others to feel better. It was no good running and hiding all your life, because that would only lead to much more problems further down the line.
Besides, I’d tried that path already, and look what it’d made me; angry, jaded, lashing out at everyone around without seeing the main cause of my unhappiness was staring right back at me from the mirror.
Well, all that was going to change from now on. As embarrassing as it is to confess, this long cry I’ve just had cuddling up with Fluttershy has made me feel better than I have done for a long time, like someone pushing a thousand-ton millstone off my back. And I hadn’t even started discussing my issues… had I finally learned to accept that ‘Friendship Is Magic’? Nah, I’m not quite ready to go that soppy yet.
As if reading my mind, Fluttershy slowly withdrew her embrace to give me a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry I was a little… startled when we first met. I’m just not used to meeting new ponies, I’m much more comfortable with animals. But when I see any creature in distress I’ll always try to help them, and I’ve rarely seen somepony as sad as you seem right now. Would you like to come to my little cottage, and we can share a pot of tea while you tell me all about it? It’s quite near the Everfree Forest, but don’t worry; none of the creatures will bother us…”
How did she know, us Brits love tea so much? Wonder if she has any Jammie Dodgers... I silently nodded my head with a sniffle, as if what she told me meant anything. I finally might be making a friend here, and I don’t want to jinx it by blurting out something inappropriate again that’ll land me in hot water. All I have to do is keep schtum, and maybe, just maybe things might start going my way.
“Oh, and you’ll have to watch out for Angel Bunny. He’s a very loving pet really, but he can be very mischievous, especially around strangers…” Fluttershy continued to talk nonsense about a harmless rabbit, as she led me forward to an interesting-looking ramshackle structure. “See, what did I tell you? Just around the corner. Now, you go inside and make yourself comfortable, while I boil the… oh, what’s this? I don’t usually get mail this late in the afternoon…”
I was so transfixed by the construction of her makeshift homestead, I barely even noticed the cross-eyed winged mare deliver an envelope stamped with a big red URGENT before flying off. Huh, look at all those wooden birdhouses. It appears more like an animal sanctuary than a house. And what’s with the leafy roof? It’s like the top of a giant tree. All you can say is, you can definitely tell she built it herself…
“Ahem.” My comprehensive analysis of Fluttershy’s domicile was halted by the yellow pegasus thrusting a piece of paper right in front of me; and all it took was one glance to turn my blood cold.
Want to know what it says? Well, stick around ‘til the next chapter to find ou…
Just kidding! I wouldn’t do that to you guys… or would I?
Not today, anyway. Lucky you! Here we go…
Wanted: Purple Female Unicorn Pony Suspected Of Multiple Offences Including Purposely Setting Fires Destroying Grocery Stores Blocking Toilets In Canterlot And Causing Mini-Floods Killing Valuable Plant Life Hurting Ponies Feelings In Ponyville Name Will Be Announced When Revealed May Have Tiny Dragon Accomplice Reward For Capture Will Be The Immense Gratitude Of All Citizens And Maybe Some Vanilla Cookies If You Know Her Whereabouts Please Contact The Office Of Mayor Mare IMMEDIATELY Thank You And Have A Lovely Day.
Also enclosed with the letter was an expertly-illustrated hoof-drawn artist’s impression of the dastardly culprit, which bore a striking resemblance to…
“Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but is this you?” Fluttershy asked me with an unreadable expression as my head began spinning once more.
I’ll say one thing for the ponified residents of Equestria, their Neigh-bourhood Watch system is excellent.
I knew the regrettable events of my past would catch up to me one day…
Hi there! My name is Daisy! Pleased to meetcha! Unless you’re Florian or any of her crew, in which case you can turn around and p*ss off right now.
See, Big Brother? If I say ‘bad words’, my tongue isn’t gonna turn blue. It just happened that one time, when I was just finishing off that raspberry flavour Slush Puppie. You won’t fool me again!
I know lots of worse words than that too, but because I’m such a good girl I won’t repeat any of them here. (Well, not ‘til I’m 10 anyway).
Anyway, I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve interrupted Darren’s, or ‘Twilight Sparkle’s’ as he’s known to those lucky enough not to have lived with him before, private little weird head diary… or even how I figured he was keeping one in the first place.
The answer to both questions is simple. Never underestimate a nosy little sister’s ability to sniff out when her Big Brother’s got a secret, and all those times he sorta looked away from me and seemed to be talking to nobody in particular, I kinda figured something loopy was going on.
How selfish, trying to keep you all to himself! He’s already tried this trick before, you know… in an actual, real, genuine written account of his life with me and Mum in a journal hidden not-so-well under his bed.
Ikr? I couldn’t believe he could write properly, let alone put together readable sentences in a daily record, but here we are.
Needless to say, I wasn’t gonna let him get away with this, so I waited ‘til he left his door unlocked one day during one of his regularly scheduled bathroom breaks to ‘borrow’ it for some ‘studying’.
To cut a long story short, it wasn’t as exciting as I thought it’d be. Just a bunch of moaning about being single (totally his fault), certain drugs not being legal (very naughty), how much of a nuisance I was (charming) and what he’d ever do to Dad if he ran into him again (totally agreed with this part tbh).
So, in the hour before he discovered his diary had been grabbed without permission and came bursting into my room to snatch it back (how rude) I learned practically nothing that I didn’t know already…
…That my Big Brother is a ‘severely emotionally-constipated individual who seeks solace in pointless pursuits in order to shut out the very real trauma which gnaws away at his psyche every day.’
(Btw, I thought of that unbelievably complex diagnosis all by mistake, and not by listening in on one of Mum’s favourite daytime hospital soap operas. Honest.)
So yeah, I knew he had major problems. He was struggling at school, his only friend had gone far away never to return and more than half of his time was spent in that grotty, smelly bedroom.
So what did I do next? Tease him even more, of course! Isn’t that what little sisters do best?
Especially as that was my source of therapy, seeing as the ‘nice’ old lady Mum took me to see to ‘help’ me with my own issues did nothing but fake-smile at me all the time like I was a baby, scribble a lot of stuff I didn’t understand down in a notepad and answered all my questions with more stupid questions.
At least the free lollies she gave me at the end of every ‘session’ were delicious. They improved my mood much more than her terrible pretending-she-cared act, so it was worth sitting through an hour of nonsense each week for the free sweets. Mmmmm!
Oops, sorry… perhaps I’ve gone on too long. People are always telling me I always have lots of interesting things to say, but I overdo it sometimes. ‘TMI,D’ my friends text me, but I think that’s because I can type much quicker than them, with both thumbs at once! Jealous, or what?
Such a skill is beyond me right now (having no thumbs as a dragon doesn’t help, but pretty sure my screen would be scratched beyond repair before then anyway) but at least I can keep in contact with you, my new invisible buddies!
Hey, where are you going? D-Don’t leave me all alone! I promise I’m just as much fun as Darren, and besides I know much more about this world than he ever did! Check out all the pony toys in my room! My official subscription to the magazine! The results of my online quiz, when I was reliably informed I had at least an 80% match with Rainbow Dash…
Still not good enough for you, huh? Alright, let’s try this: you do realise that by leaving me here by myself, you could get in big trouble? I am only nine years old so don’t forget, and as responsible adults it’s your job to make sure I stay safe in an ‘unfamiliar environment’.
Hee Hee, that visit by the policeman to our school is proving to be useful after all. Now if I can get them to stay with me, instead of following my Boring Boastful Big Brother around, I won’t need him at all and I won’t feel really, really sad and guilty that I…HEY!!
I didn’t give you permission to read my thoughts… you may have gotten away with that sort of cr*p with Darren, but I’m calling the shots here; and I say stay out of my head. Got it? Great, let’s get a move on shall we? Places to go, ponies to see, and…
Huh? You want to know where we’re gonna go first? If we’re actually going to look for a way back to Earth, do I think I’ll beat my alicorn brother? And why do I come across as a ‘self-entitled spoiled little brat’?
Wha… who said that?! That’s it, you can go. Everyone else can stay. Remember: you’re talking to a child here, so control yourself!
Y-You don’t even know me! Only what my lying Big Brother has told you! So before you judge, maybe you’d like to hear my side of the story first about certain things…
And if you don’t care, I’m gonna tell you anyway. This is my chapter, and I can say whatever I like. So there. :p
Because we’re short on time though, and because I’m wasting precious minutes I could be spending on exploring Ponyville, I’ll try and squeeze it into one paragraph. Are you ready? Cos I won’t repeat myself.
I didn’t ‘wish’ us here, all I prayed that night was that ‘I Wish My Brother Could Understand Me’. The library fire? Totally an accident, how was I to know dragon’s had such sensitive noses? I guess I could’ve been more helpful in guiding my brother around Equestria, but if he didn’t mess things up so often maybe I’d have more faith. The flower incident? How was I to see that thing coming? A dandelion as a sacred object? PUR-LEASE.
I don’t like mean shouty old ladies like Mayor Mare or the owner of the dog next door that won’t let me feed her stupid pooch anyway, so screw them. It’s Princess Celestia I want to talk to, which is why in that letter I sent her earlier via dragon post I added, along with wanting a ride to Ponyville with my brother…
Oops, now that would be telling, wouldn’t it? I know most of you are still on Darren’s side, and I don’t want you blabbing my special plan to him if you ever come across him again now, do I? You think, just cos I’m a kid, I’m that easy to fool? Nice try, suckers!
Enough talking already. I’m starving. All I’ve had to eat so far is that crummy jewel Rarity gave me while I waited for Big Brother to get his makeover, and considering the big baby nearly drowned me afterwards in her tears I’m not gonna give her too much credit for that.
They don’t call her ‘Worst Pony’ for nothing, you know. That’s one thing me and Florian can still agree on. She’s definitely not getting her scrunchie back now, though. That lying, cheating, sack of sh… (funny that Big Brother always tries covering up his curse words ‘round me, when I probably cuss more than him when he isn’t here. LOL)
Recognising where I was (wonder how Dozy Darren is coping without his super-intelligent sis to guide him; not my concern) I follow the road to Sugarcube Corner, stopping to glance every so often at familiar buildings and passing ponies who seem equally as surprised at my appearance. Guess they don’t get many little girls LARP-ing as baby dragons ‘round these parts.
There’s Bon Bon, probably off on another daring mission. Poor old Lyra, not knowing the truth ‘til Season Five. I can relate… it was months after Dad left I finally found out… E-Erm, let’s change the subject.
Oh hi Matilda… wonder if I should warn her before she makes the biggest mistake of her life by marrying that grumpy old fogey? Girl, you deserve so much better… somemule with hair, for a start.
Maybe I should try and switch up a few things while I’m here to make them better. We’ve already changed canon a lot since arriving, so why not… huh?
Who’s that group of ponies, walking and flying together? Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity… this early in the series? Where are they going? Towards me? What could they possibly…
“We’d like a word with you, Sugarcube.” Applejack didn’t seem her usual welcoming self. A bit too frowny, if you ask me.
“Yeah, now we’ve got you all alone.” I don’t know why Rainbow Dash seemed so cross. I wasn’t the one who called her that name she hates so much earlier.
“Indeed, darling. We have questions…” Worst Pony pouted in that really annoying narcis… vain way she does, and honestly I don’t care what she thinks about anything.
Still, they’d caught me off guard, and it was all I could do to stammer in return… “I-I was just gonna go into Sugarcube Corner for a snack and m-maybe a chocolate milkshake…”
“Not to worry, dear. We’ll treat you. All we need in return is some answers.” Worst Pony made what sounded like a kind offer on the surface, so why do I feel scared somehow…
“What a good idea, Rarity! I’ve been wantin’ to try the Apple Turnover here for a while. Or the Apple Tart. Hmm… decisions, decisions…” Guess who said that. No seriously guess, because I’m not telling you. Silly.
“Wait. A dragon that likes sugary treats and milkshakes?!” Rainbow Dash seemed a bit confused, and maybe I shouldn’t have blown my cover like that, but oh well. Big Brother has messed up regular as clockwork since arriving here, so I was entitled to my own little slip-up.
“Y-Yeah. My doctor told me I’ve got too much glass in my diet, so I’m taking a break from gems. Especially ones found deep underground. G-Go on, after you.”
The three puzzled ponies looked at each other, shrugged and went into the cafe before me. Guess I lucked out, as their lack of knowledge of dragon anatomy seems to have let me off the hook for now.
“Now comes the tricky part though…” I said to myself before following them in. I could’ve easily ran away, but why miss out on a chance to hang out with half the Main 6? I mean, I wish it was under different circumstances (like, me being a pony rather than a tiny reptile), but I’ll take what I can.
Besides, unlike my ‘mature and responsible’ Big Brother, I always face up to my mistakes… hang on, whatdya mean you’ve got plenty of examples in previous chapters when I haven’t?!
Shush. Just shut up!! If you love Darren so much, why don’t you go back to him? A giant monster is probably using him as a toothpick for their appetiser by now anyway, so he needs your help a lot more than me.
Go on, get lost. I don’t need you anymore. I’ll be hanging out with my new ‘cool’ pals (sans Rarity), who won’t patronise me for being a child, won’t accuse me of stealing things without any proof…
And won’t be a bunch of meanies about me every time I open my mouth! Yes, I know what you think about me, what you’re telling your friends… w-well, you ought to know what I think about you.
Guess what? I’m not gonna tell you. HA! *Sticks tongue out & slams door. Hard.*
Oh my God, oh my God… what do I do now? Wait a second, I’m not religious! And even if there was a ‘supreme being’ up there who decided to deposit me in the middle of this pastel-infused purgatory as part of some sick cosmic joke, I’d probably convert to Satanism!
Surely the eternal damnation of scorching hellfire and little red devils poking my most intimate areas with mini-pitchforks would be a walk in the park compared to the utter desolation of being stuck in this form, in this universe, whilst having my hopes constantly raised only to be dashed seconds later on an endlessly predictable perpetual loop.
That bloody daffodil… why did Daisy have to burn it to a cinder like that? Even in her current blessed absence, she still thwarts my every feeble attempt to take some control over my life. Despite my complete ignorance of this stupid kiddy franchise, I’m starting to think that my time here would be a lot easier if I’d been dumped here all on my lonesome…
“Um… hello? Are you alright there? Your eyes have gone awfully funny, and you’re mumbling a lot under your breath…”
Wut the… Caught up as I was in yet more uncontrollable internal monologuing which would solve precisely zero of my continually mounting difficulties, I snapped out of my mental flux to stare blankly back at Fluttershy, who hadn’t budged an inch from her original position right in front of me. She was still waving that all-too-accurate illustrative portrait near my face as if trying to ascertain an exact match, before finally deciding for herself before I’d even spoken a word in my defence.
“It is you.No other pony could have that unique six-star Cutie Mark as shown in this picture. Plus the fact you’re a unicorn, your purple colouring, that you’re a mare…”
“I am not a girl!!” If anything was going to bring me back to the land of the living, it was this nature-dwelling treehugger assuming my gender. “I-I mean… I may look like a female pony, and I might sound like one, a-and I might have all the right parts in all the right places… but the simple truth is I, er…”
Fluttershy’s slowly growing look of concern and the three cautious backward steps she took to get away from me as I began my mini-rant showed me that perhaps this particular tact wasn’t the wisest choice if I wanted to keep my one remaining potential friend from galloping (or in her case I guess, flying) off at speed to alert the local authorities.
The only question is where I’d be spending my foreseeable future: a prison cell or a padded cell. In fact, maybe I’m in the latter now back on Earth while drugged up to my eyeballs. It certainly would explain a lot…
“O-oops, sorry if I scared you. Again. I-I just hit my head while running away, and it’s left me feeling very confused. In fact, I can’t even remember my own name, let alone if I did all that stuff they said. OW. Oh no, I think I’m feeling faint…”
Brilliant Darren, just brilliant. When all else fails, fall back on the hugely original trope of ‘I Have Amnesia’ to deny everything. Surely no-one, or even nopony is gonna fall for this hoary old cliche…
“Oh, you poor dear! Here, let me carry you to my house. I’ll put you on my most comfortable chair, get you a nice cosy blanket to keep you warm, let you borrow my fluffiest, snuggliest, pillow…”
I can’t believe… she actually bought it?! That was the worst bit of playacting I’ve seen since Daisy refused to go to school one day because she had a fever. She’d swallowed at least a dozen sachets of hot sauce to complete the illusion, but Mum sent her packing regardless. So she had to do the Big Test anyway, and she wasn’t even allowed to get a glass of water until the examination hour was up. It must’ve been absolute agony for her. Good times, good times.
All thoughts of harbouring a dastardly fugitive from justice seemed to have left Fluttershy’s empathic mind. She somehow scooped me up in her unexpectedly strong forehooves to dart the few remaining yards to her front door, which she hurriedly almost kicked over in her determined pursuit of what she thought was desperately needed medical attention for yours truly.
I do feel sort of guilty for pulling the wool over the eyes of such a kind-hearted creature, but what exactly was the alternative? I pondered with regret, after being gently placed on a plush green chair in homely surroundings before my ‘rescuer’ flew off to gather the supplies she needed to necessitate my ‘recovery’. Tell the truth behind my arrival here, where I come from and the amount of trouble I’ve been embroiled myself in since then? Not a chance. This is literally the first opportunity I’ve had to relax for as long as I can remember, and I intend to take full advantage…
“Would you like honey in your tea, sugar or nothing at all? Woollen, or silken blanket? Perhaps I can run you a nice hoof bath while you’re here, if you think it’ll have a positive effect on your overall well-being…”
Well, maybe not relax too much with all these non-stop intrusive questions about my health. “Hmm, I can’t think why… but I do feel a slight headache coming on.”
“Oh no! That’s terrible!! Would you like me to rub your scalp for you? Perhaps a bit of meditative music might make you feel better. And Angel… what did you do with my plumpest cushion for guests? I don’t care if you do want it for your basket, somepony else is in greater need right now. You can sulk as much as you like Mister, it’s not going to work this time…!”
Brilliant, she can’t take a hint. And now the world’s most evil wabbit has me on their hit list. Where’s Elmer Fudd when you need him? I watched Fluttershy’s apparent long-eared pet hop angrily away upstairs, but not before regaling me with the sort of pleasant expression a depraved serial killer reserves for their latest victim. Still preferable to hanging out with Dais, though.
At least if that crazy bunny dispatched me, he’d probably do it painlessly quick and simple when I was asleep. With Daisy I’d be trussed up from head to toe while she stood over gloated and goaded me over her ‘victory’, before finding myself pushed off a cliff with her pinky finger many hours later. Don’t ask me how I can be so specific with this ignominious fate at her tiny hands, I just do.
I don’t know what it was… maybe it was the gentle humming Fluttershy emitted as she blithely flitted through her rustic cottage to assemble her first-aid equipment together, the comfortability of the soft armchair I now reclined in or the bizarre near-death fantasies expeditiously running through my mind, but all of a sudden I started feeling rather drowsy.
I realised much too late, with the exception of a brief nap over here in the pegasus-drawn carriage, I hadn’t really had a wink of proper shuteye… and now it was finally catching up with me.
Whether I liked it, or not.
No, not here. Not while I’m a wanted pony criminal. I can’t take the risk…
Sadly, in this particular tussle between my body and brain, there was only one winner. I felt my head swoon backwards as the assorted sounds of wildlife around me and the soothing wind whistling through the trees outside lulled me off, and everything went black.
If I wake up in chains, please tell Mum that I love her, my Dad that I despise him with every fibre of my formerly human being, and Daisy that no, she can’t have my room.
Sorry, sis. You should’ve been nicer to me. Now, where can I hire a good lawyer here…?
Oh, it’s you again. So, you’ve decided to come crawling back here? Even after I told you straight to get lost earlier? Huh.
Can’t say I blame you. Big Brother isn’t exactly the most interesting of characters to follow around (and I should know, I’ve tried it plenty of times). He barely leaves the house as it is, and when he does it’s usually just to have a cigarette outside or buy some beer from the off-licence around the corner.
I keep trying to tell him both of those are bad for the body along with his lack of exercise, but he never listens to me. I even described the anti-smoking film they showed us in class with a graphic close-up of a diseased lung being removed and everything, but all he did was roll his eyes and tell me to ‘go preach at the church if that’s what I want to do’.
Humph. Not very nice, eh? I was only telling my brother I don’t want him to die young. What’s wrong with that? If he ends up on life support in hospital with drips connected everywhere and bleeping sounds, he’ll only have himself to blame. I certainly won’t go to his funeral and cry a lot and give a big moving speech and drop flowers on his grave…
Well, actually I would but don’t you dare tell him I said that. If I find out you did, I’ll deny everything. Then won’t you look stupid?
Anyway, can’t we take a break from The Darren Show for just a few minutes? I wanna tell you what’s been happening at Sugarcube Corner while you’ve been keeping Mr Bossy company, and let me tell you… it’s been great.
In fact, better than great… stupendous, even! I learned that word from my teacher when she was grading my… well, someone else’s essay on The Impact Of Global Warming. As I may have mentioned before, I absolutely hate Mrs Truncheon, but I won’t lie and say she doesn’t know a lot of big words. Wonder if that dictionary she swallowed tasted good?
Here’s another term that I heard from her which describes the last few minutes really well; it’s been an unqualified success. You don’t really care who’s Science Fair project she was talking about then, do you? What? You do?! …Fine, have it your way. It was Florian Hughes, you know; my once-bestie-turned-deadliest-rival. I ask you, who cares about the melting polar ice caps? I don’t even like penguins! Or Eski… ‘Inuits’ come to think of it.
Look, if you’ve just returned expecting to hear me dish the dirt on Darren and that smug freckled b*tch, you can save your breath. I want to focus on the positive for a change. You see, ever since arriving in this snug little cafe and chatting with these lovely three ponies, it turns out they’re even nicer in real life than they are on my iPad screen! Unbelievable, amiright?
The only reason I stepped away for a second from their charming company is to get a refill on this milkshake. Did you realise that they’re free here? If you said ‘yes’, then you’re a liar, so don’t talk to me. Just another little detail they didn’t include in the canon of the show. Fascinating, dontcha think? But annoying that I have to stand on this stool just to reach the machine. The sooner I have a growth spurt, the better.
So yeah, there now follows a brief description of what’s happened so far. I’ll try not to take up too much of your precious time, because you must be desperate to get back to my brother…
What, you think I’m trying to get rid of you already? Not at all.
Just… try not to embarrass me too much, yeah? Ty!! xx
*****************
“So… sorry, what did you say your name was again..?”
“You can call me ‘Spike’, Rainbow Dash. It’s so cool to finally meet you!! Even if you are a bit smaller than I thought you’d be. I suppose that’s where the ‘Little’ in ‘My Little Pony’ comes in. Sorry about my crazy brother… erm, sister earlier, but you know how they are.”
“Actually, Sugarcube, my brother is the hardest worker on the farm! I don’t know how we’d run the place without him. So they’re not all…”
“Oh yeah Applejack, I guess not all family is bad. Big Mac is definitely… big. Bigger than RD, anyway. *Burp* Yum, these shakes are just as delicious as they appear in the show… um, window. Hey, I just thought of something! You just called me ‘Sugarcube’... and we’re at Sugarcube Corner!! What are the chances?!”
“...Yes Darling, very amusing. Anyway, onto other matters. First things first, and I hope you don’t think this is too personal a question, but I wish to inquire…”
“Hold on a sec, Rarity.” I reached over the table for the last piece of strawberry shortcake before anypony else could grab it…
…Accidentally spilling the unicorn’s own steaming hot foamy latte all over her while doing so. Oops.
“O-Oh dear, sorry about that. But look at this way; your drink was kinda white, and you’re white, so I can barely see the stains on your fur. Isn’t that lucky??”
For some reason, my kind attempts at calming Rarity down didn’t quite work, and it was through an intense atmosphere of shrieking and shouting (in the politest possible way, naturally) that Rainbow Dash spoke next in a raised voice so she could be heard.
“Why is your ‘brother’ or ‘sister’ a pony? How do you know so much about all of us? What are you doing in Ponyville? How did you drink that chocolate shake in less than ten seconds?! You even broke my record…”
“Geez, one question at a time! This is just as bad as being at school.” Despite my everlasting and unlimited love of Rainbow Dash and all things connected with her, I did think she was being a bit pushy atm. “I, uh… there are perfectly reasonably logical answers to all those questions, but first…”
“ ‘First’, what?” A somewhat distracted Applejack was tending to Rarity’s (massively over-the-top overreaction IMHO) slight burns, so she wasn’t even looking at me when she said that. Rude!
“...I need to get another milkshake. Maybe I can drink this one in five seconds.” I nudged Rainbow Dash as I got up with a wink, before strolling over to the counter to talk to Mrs Cake…
…And I guess now you’re up to date. See ya under the stars!!
**********************
Hmm, apparently Pinkie isn’t here today; she ‘has something big planned’. As if I didn’t know what that was… hey, what did I say before about reading my mind? Cut it out! Go and play with Darren instead if you’re into that sort of thing…
Hang on, though. That would suggest he had a mind to read in the first place(!)
Hee-hee, I crack myself up! I must be the funniest dragon in the…
“...Probably the most unfunny dragon in the whole of Equestria. Very full of himself. And so uncouth, too!”
I stopped in my tracks about five yards from our table, hearing none other than Rarity cuss me out in public.
Hmm. She obviously hadn’t seen me approach the table again, and is being horrible about me behind my back. Like, who gives a hoot about what Worst Pony thinks? She’s just mad ‘cos I spilt a bit of coffee on her. Get over it already!! (I still wanna know what ‘uncouth’ means though).
“...Always interruptin’, doesn’t listen to anythin’ anypony says, talkin' absolute codswallop and my pigs have got better table manners…”
Ouch. Coming from honest Applejack, that stings a bit more. I thought I’d left a better impression than that, but apparently not. At least if RD still likes me, the other two can kiss my scaly, purple…
“Did you see how desperate he was to hang out with us? What a wannabe! Saying I was too ‘little’; he should try looking in the mirror sometime. And boasting about drinking a milkshake fast! How sad and pathetic can you…”
I couldn’t take anymore. I dropped the drink I carried on the floor and ran out in tears, unable to quite believe the outright social rejection I’d just experienced at the hooves of my idol.
Everypony here hates me… most of my friends back home do too… I hardly ever see Mum, and D-Dad... w-what have I done wrong to deserve this… oh heck, I know you’re reading my thoughts again… but what does it matter? Nothing matters any longer…
I was just about to collapse in the open road out of pure despair, perhaps hoping something would run me over to put me out of my misery (wishful thinking, the traffic around here is non-existent) when the image of a dopey yet lovable idiot popped into my head once more.
Big Brother. For all his faults (and there are many) at least he always cheers me up when I’m feeling down, helps me out of a spot when I need him the most, and best of all…
“If he’s got something bad to say about me, he’ll say it to my face!” That was the deciding factor. I wiped my tears away and made off for the path where I’d last abandoned him.
“Darren, I mean Twilight Sparkle, I mean… oh whoever, where are you? I forgive you for treating me so horribly earlier! I won’t even ask to ride you again, or make fun of you for not having a thingie any longer. Come bbaacckk!!”
Tell you what, go on ahead and if you see him… give me a shout, ‘kay?
Thanks. Smell ya later! ^^
*************************
“Did you see that purplish figure runnin’ outta the cafe higgledy-piggledy cryin’ their eyes out, Rarity? That looked just like…”
“It was Spike, darling. Good riddance, is all I can say. After burning half my skin off and drowning my boutique with his unicorn friend, I’ll be glad to see the back of them.”
“Still doesn’t give us any answers as to where he came from and stuff though, does it? Plus, I wonder what he was so upset about. Hope he didn’t hear us trashing him… maybe we overdid it… he did seem like a fan of mine, after all...”
Rainbow Dash’s retrospective remorse was halted by Mrs Cake, who was agitatedly waving a large ‘WANTED’ poster in her hoof that Derpy had just dropped on her rounds.
T-That teensy-wincy dragon who I just spoke to and was sitting at your table… I think it might be the same one…”
The excruciating half-second of pain that followed…
A shrill female screaming in the background… “No!”
I grit my teeth to calm her down: ‘It’ll be okay, everything’s gonna be okay…”
If only I actually believed that absolute tripe.
I brace myself for the next inevitable agonising impact…
“W-What the…” Somewhat disorientated, I woke up to my new surroundings… not to the agonising sensation of pain radiating all over my body, but something hot and padded pressed against my forehead, a pleasant feeling of fuzzy warmth spread around my mid-quarters, and as for my feet (or for now at least, hooves)...
…An attentive yellow pegasus busy washing them in what can only be described as a heart-shaped miniature tub. So intent was she in her cleanliness pursuit, she hadn’t even spotted my eyes flick open, but before I could decide what my next course of action could be in this unexpected situation…
“Achoo!!” That’ll be the steam emanating from the tiny makeshift bath that had just made me sneeze, then. This uncontrollable burst of sound was enough to make my equine ‘carer’ flinch a little, but unlike outside when she jumped ten feet in the air upon my unexpected arrival, she seemed a lot more comfortable within the confines of her own home.
“Oh, you’re awake now! How are you feeling, Twilight Sparkle? Or do you prefer ‘Twilight’? Or ‘Sparkle’? What about ‘Sparky’? Sometimes, my friends call me ‘Flutters’. You can call me ‘Flutters’. Nicknames can be fun!”
It was cute she was trying to be social, but she wasn’t really that good at it. Still, judging by everything she’s trying to do for me, I’d say she deserves the benefit of the doubt. So, I’ll play along. For now.
“J-Just plain old ‘Twilight’ will be alright. And personally, I’m not a big fan of nicknames. I mean, ‘Daz’ or ‘Dazza’ is just fine ‘n’ dandy, but if I ever hear my obnoxious brat of a sister call me ‘Big Brother’ again, I’ll… oh.”
The wooziness of my condition must’ve been affecting my concentration, as once more I’d gone off on an incoherent tangent Fluttershy couldn’t possibly have comprehended in a million trillion years. So before she could once more regard me with the same kind of sobriety a mental patient dining out on his own faeces might’ve commanded, I swiftly changed the subject to something else I was slightly curious about.
“M-My name. I never told you it before, but you seem to know what it is. How so?”
“Don’t you remember, silly? The ‘Wanted’ poster our local mailmare dropped by earlier had your face on, and you were mumbling those two words in your sleep so much I assumed that’s what you were called. Especially as it fit your Cutie Mark so well…”
Damn, she’s good. Wait a second… “I-I was talking in my sleep? W-What else did I say?”
“Um, nothing much. You were crying a lot though, and you seemed to be quite protective of somepony called ‘Daisy’. I say that, because you kept telling another creature to stay away from her, or something. I wasn’t going to tell you because I hate to pry, but you did ask, so…”
“Right, that's it!! Thank you so much for your help Shutter… Fluttershy, but it’s getting late and I gotta go now.” This is not a conversation I particularly wanted to have with a talking cartoon horsie, or indeed anyone at all. And yes, that includes you nosy-parkers reading this right now, so mind your own beeswax. “Now, which way to the front… aargh.”
Waves of dizziness engulfed me as I tried to stand, not to mention the thoroughly tucked-in blanket around my torso made movement nigh-on (or ‘neigh-on’) impossible. I was embarrassed at my own visible weakness, especially as I felt a firm pair of hooves push me back where I sat, and re-tuck the blanket that kept me confined to this chair so it was stronger and more immovable than ever.
“You’re not going anywhere, Miss Sparkle. You’re going to fully rest up here until I’m absolutely positive you’re well enough to leave, and I’m going to be right here supervising your recovery all the way. Even if that means missing the Summer Sun Celebration tonight me and my birdies practised so long for…”
Oh, sh*t… I forgot all about that. If I don’t beat ‘Spike’ in meeting Celestia there, I might not ever be able to go back to Earth. My sister might just request to stay in this technicolour kinderland forever, and I’ll be forced into tagging along for the ride.
I don’t want to be a tattooed mare forever! I don’t want to have purple foals running about calling me ‘Mummy’! I don’t want to zap random passers-by with unbelievably powerful magic… well, actually I do. But the trade-in for four legs instead of two, the permanent loss of my meat and veg and the prospect of never being able to smoke ciggies or drink hard liquor again just ain’t worth it. Sorry, Dais.
“I-I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, don’t get me wrong. I would just hate to think that you and your, erm ‘birdies’ wasted so much time on your intricate melodies for nothing. I heard you out there earlier, and you were fantastic. I haven’t heard anything that good since Nirvana popped up on my playlist one day and, u-um well, you get the point. Please don’t miss out on your big performance this evening… believe me, I’m not worth it.”
Fluttershy paused briefly to weigh up my words, and even though they were carefully constructed to manipulate her into ‘setting me free’, most of the praise contained within was actually genuine. If her feathered friends were talented enough to briefly soothe my cynical soul, then lord knows how those of a far more amiable position would take to them.
Besides, since me and the brat plummeted into this animalistic dimension here through methods unknown, all we seem to have left in our wake is a heady mix of chaos and woe. Depriving the peaceful populace of such an enrichingly tuneful experience which might act as a countermeasure to the huge upheaval we’ve visited upon this formerly serene hamlet just wouldn’t be right. So we owe it to them that the show goes ahead, to say the least.
“Okay, I’ll think about it. Under one condition.”
Well, that was a bit easier than I thought. “W-What’s that, then?”
“If I do go to the festival, then you’ll go with me where I can keep a close eye on you. I’m still concerned about your health, but you seem to be a bit more lucid now at least. If you sit there for the remaining time before everything begins in a few hours, you should be okay. Just take it easy for now, while I finish up with your hooves…”
This proposal seemed fair enough to me, and Fluttershy seemed to take my subsequent silence as acceptance of her terms. I was just about to drift off again with all this surrounding comfort, confident that the friendly pegasus was trustworthy enough to rouse me at the right time, when a sudden questionable thought sprung into my ailing brain.
“F-Fluttershy?”
“Yes, Twilight?”
“U-Um, about that poster you had delivered before. Are you sure you feel safe, with me around…?”
At this tense juncture, one thing I was not expecting is for the usually nervous pegasus to let out the most endearing of giggles.
“Not at all. From what I’ve seen of you so far, you’re just about the most harmless pony I’ve ever met! Even if you are a bit mysterious, I could never believe that you could be capable of a single thing on that horrible list. It must just be a funny mix-up, that’s all. Now, I’m just going to change the water, so you sit tight there while I’m gone for a moment, please.”
Huh. Figures that she’d see only the best in others, after not even recognising she has a furry long-eared psychopath living under her own roof. If only she knew the truth… I watched Fluttershy leave for the kitchen with a sympathetic shake of my head at her blindly trusting nature.
Maybe I’ll have the chance to explain everything properly before I go, but for now I better keep my real origins on the downlow. I don’t know where she thinks I’m going to run off to, though… these cosy adornments she’s placed over my frame are like manacles keeping me here. Very snug, toasty manacles, but still…
“Cooey, anypony home? I just popped over to see if you were still coming to that treehouse-warming party I set up for the new arrival who just moved in today. Everypony will be there, and they’ll be cake, and they’ll be ice cream, and they’ll be games, and they’ll be more cake… it’ll be fab-be-rooney!!”
Fab-be-what now?! Just as I was beginning to relax once more, a somewhat familiar pinkish face uninvitedly stuck its head through the front door. It’s pink mane was exceedingly frizzy, it’s high-pitched voice was grating to say the least, and the balloons engraved near its butt…
“Oh sorry, I’m not sure I can go after all… I have a guest, as you can see. She needs total bed-rest until late this evening, and I have to take care of her until then. We’ll probably be at the Celebration for the Summer Sun later though, so tell everyone we’ll see them then. Send my apologies please, and have a really good time anyway.”
As Fluttershy emerged from the kitchen, fresh tub of steaming water in hoof, the identity of the pink visitor revealed itself to me. That’s the total weirdo who froze in mid-air when I was first dropped off in Ponyville, after I only uttered a few trifling words to her. Now, what was she called again… Stinky? Blinky? No, it’s gotta be…
“You’re Pinkie… Pinkie Pie, aren’t you?” I blurted her name out to her without thinking, just as her disappointed face turned to leave. She spun around to acknowledge my presence…
…And if she was surprised to see me before, now she looked positively shocked to the core. Mercifully this time, she didn’t disturbingly suspend herself mid-jump, but instead regarded me with suspicion, gave a shout of recognition and instinctively placed a nonplussed Fluttershy at the back of her protectively whilst backing away to the exit.
“Hang on a tick… you’re the newcomer? Wait, I remember now! Your evilly grinning face was the one on that piece of paper Gummy nearly choked on earlier, the one who destroyed my good friend Sesame Seed’s fruit shop down in Canterlot. She wasn’t even insured! She’s lost everything… and now you’re trying to corrupt a sweet, innocent pony like our Fluttershy?! I’m onto you, Missy! And you won’t get away with it…!”
Oh dear. If only I’d kept my big trap shut.
Though that, for me at least, would involve changing the habits of a lifetime.
And now it looked like my sole salvation was heading right out the door, frogmarched by a well-meaning but otherwise clueless Great Pink weirdo.
Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once again. Thanks, Lady Luck.
“I-I keep telling you, um, ‘Pinkie Pie’. You’ve got me all wrong! This is all just some dreadful misunderstanding! Now, put the nice lady pegasus down so we can discuss this like rational erm, ‘equines’...”
“Your false flattery may work on naively trusting ponies like Fluttershy, but you can’t fool me, Miss Unicorn! I can’t believe I was going to throw you a ‘Welcome To Ponyville Party’, and it’s already too late to cancel all the invitations! I’m getting out of here with my friend, and as soon as I inform the others your keister will be behind bars quicker than I can whip up a triple-decker sundae on a sunny Sunday!”
Why do I always end up having to handle negotiations with the class clown or the village idiot? “...Okay, it’s a fair cop. I did ruin this Sesame Seed’s stall back in Canterlot, and for that I’m very sorry. I-I was a selfish twat, and I put my own needs before that of a hard-working pony. Just because I was starving to death and had no money, it didn’t give me the automatic right to… do what I did.”
“Hmm…” Pinkie’s right eyebrow seemed to shift slightly upwards, in what I hoped was a positive sign the pastel goofball was actually capable of listening to good reason. “Okay, you seem honest enough in your apology there, but what about poor Gummy? I could tell something was wrong with him as soon as I got home this afternoon, as he’s usually so active. If I hadn’t ran over there in time to squeeze you out of his windpipe, I’d be burying him in the Great Swamp In the Sky now. What do you have to say about that, Miss Unicorn? Huh? Huh?!”
Looks like I was too optimistic in my estimation there of her ability to understand my situation… typical. “Please call me Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie. I find the ‘Miss’ label quite… uncomfortable. And… Gummy? Who or what the heck is a ‘Gummy’?”
“Oh, so you don’t like being called ‘Miss Unicorn’, Twilight Sparkle? Well, I don’t like having to forcibly eject a crumpled-up poster from my precious little alligator’s throat; that’s ‘Gummy’, for your information. So forgive me for not agreeing to your wishes… Miss Unicorn. That’s how I’ll remember you from now on and what I’ll call you whenever I see you, particularly in court… Miss. Unicorn.”
If I could only break free of these confining towels and cloths that are keeping me pinned to this chair, I’d give her such a pasting right now. I know what you’re thinking… ‘how can lovable old Darren even think of visiting such gruesome ultraviolence on a harmless mare’, right?
Well, everyone has a breaking point… and I just found out mine is constantly being goaded about my tragic loss of gender and species. So, what follows should be no great shock. Brace yourselves...
“You f*cking crazy pink freak!! I wasn’t the one who shoved that stupid thing down your pet’s gullet, so quit blaming me. That’s like, the most Insane Troll Logic thing I’ve ever heard, to think just because my picture was on there I’m personally responsible for their near-death! Now release Fluttershy, and p*ss off back to whatever nuthouse you came from!”
Unable to strike back at Pinkie Pie’s provocative comments with either a physical or magical (still getting the hang of that) reaction, I finally fully cracked by, amongst other things, dropping the ‘F’ bomb and using very unpolitically correct language to describe the mentally disturbed.
Look, if you’re offended by what I said, I’m sorry, okay? Quite frankly though, in the unbelievably frustrating situation I found myself in, the profanities just tumbled out of my mouth uncontrollably and I couldn’t put them back in again. Oops.
Still, my outrageous language did seem to have some kind of fortuitous side-effect. Both Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie halted momentarily by the open door to glance at each other in confusion at what I’d just said, as if this kind of rough barroom talk had never been heard ‘round those parts before (no surprises there really, considering the target demographics).
This brief split-second delay proved to be crucial. For guess who came running full throttle towards the cottage at this exact moment, the most unlikely rescuer you could ever no-want-to imagine… my hero, my saviour, my sis…
Oh, you already guessed who my knight in scaled armour was a few sentences ago. That means… I won’t have to waste another paragraph making her head even bigger than it is. Yippee!!
“Right, you two horrible kidnappers. Hoofs off my… ‘friend’ right now or I’ll turn you both into ashes. I learned in class last month that thatched roofs burn very well, and I don’t think you want me to test that out, do you?”
D-Daisy?! I craned my neck to try and identify the origin of the voice, just about making out the topmost green tip of her horn. She actually found me? All by herself? Without the help of Mum, her teacher or a map drawn out of crayon? I-I can’t believe this is happening… me, being helped by her. Oh, the shame of it.
Another thing I couldn’t quite stomach is just how genuinely pleased I was to see her, but I could save my latent astonishment for another day. Right now, I had to take full advantage of the two now cowering ponies in the corner of the room, and escape this surprisingly snug ‘prison’ as soon as possible.
“Dais! I never thought my lips would speak these words, but I'm so glad you came back... anyway, little help here? I-I can’t cut myself loose…”
“Big Brother!! There you are… what? They tied you up as well? The fiends! How does such a ‘big, strong’ guy like you get himself caught by two ‘harmless’ ponies, that’s what I want to know…!”
Great, the gloating has started already. I’ll never live this down. “Look, you can mock me all you want when we get out of here, but please… can you help free me first?”
“Got it.” A smugly-smiling Daisy wasted no further time in tearing off my towelly bindings with her extra-sharp claws, and I’ll be forever grateful I didn’t insist she had a manicure after we arrived. “Now, shall we go? If they’re one thing I’ve learned since coming here, it’s that these ponies aren’t as nice as they appear on the screen. Put it this way, I think I’ll stick to Phineas And Ferb now on school mornings.”
“That’s nice. Just jump on my back, and we can gallop off to… somewhere. Any place but here, basically.” I didn’t know exactly where me and my reptilian rider were heading to next, but hopefully it would be nice, remote, but most of all… free from the local wildlife and all that that implies.
Because if there’s one thing we desperately neededright now, it’s time and space to carefully consider our next move. Especially now the whole of Equestria was apparently gunning for us. Just like the Wild Wild West, except with less cowboys and more horses.
Well, ponies if we’re being pernickety, but you get my drift.
“Good job you’ve got such a big mouth Big Brother, or I’d never have been able to find you all the way over in Fluttershy’s cottage. Really saved your furry purple butt back there, didn’t I?”
“My butt is not purple!! Or… furry. My real butt is… well, the same as everyone else’s. And why are you staring at it so much anyway?!”
“I can’t help it. I leapt on you so quickly as we ran away, I ended up riding backwards. It’s actually kind of painful, bouncing up and down like this at high speed. Ouch. Ow.”
“Sorry to hear that, but we can’t pause for breath now. You’re just gonna have to deal with it until we clear this area. Still, at least we now know what colour your butt is gonna be by the time we stop…”
“What are you saying… Ouch.”
“A nice shade of red, that’s what(!)”
“Was that supposed to be funny, Darren Jones? Let’s see what you think of this…”
Ow. Perhaps teasing a dragon with, as we’ve already established, super-pointy talons wasn’t my wisest move.
But rather than toss her over into the undergrowth before running off on my own with a snigger, I actually cut her some slack this time and carried on galloping through the pain to wherever our next destination might be.
Hey, what can I say? I owe her one. But now we’re fair-and-square in our favour columns… there’s always next time, right?
“I can’t believe we let them get away lickety-split like that. How did they know my very super-duper worst fear was fire, ever since I burnt a day’s worth of pastries? Watching that spider build his web under the customer’s table was just too interesting! I’ll never forget when Mrs Cake said she was ‘very disappointed’ in me, then my mane drooped and things got a bit hazy and… what are you smiling at, Fluttershy? Usually I’d encourage a good grin or two, but this is no time to be happy! We let two very seriously dangerous criminals escape… and even now they could be plotting to overthrow the government with their twirly moustaches and e-v-i-l laughter…”
“Did you see that baby dragon, Pinkie? Sssooo cute. I hope I didn’t offend him too much when I looked so scared after he came in like that suddenly… he must be the one that was mentioned on the poster…”
“Ya think? And how can you be so casual about him almost burning your house down? Really Flutters… if you don’t mind me saying, you take being a doormat to frightening new extremes. Even I’m not cracking jokes twenty-four hours a day. A girl’s gotta sleep, ya know.”
“Oh no, Pinkie… he was never going to do that, it was just an idle threat. If I actually thought we or my animals were in danger, I would’ve given him ‘the stare’ and put an end to it straightaway. I didn’t sense any malice in him at all… just the opposite, actually. I’m not sure his friend meant any harm, either. In fact, they both seemed quite sad…”
Just as Pinkie was about to respond to the pegasus in an even more uncharacteristic rant along the lines of ‘are you bucking kidding me’, three figures you’ve met already arrived on the scene just outside the cottage, along with various others who’d been alerted to the loud noise which had permeated the early evening air of this normally quiet little town.
“Hmm, doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened here.” Rainbow Dash could tell by the fading dragon and hoof marks in such close proximity to each other what’d caused the ruckus. “I was prepared to give them the benefit of doubt at first, but attacking ponies in their own homes now? Unforgivable. Okay, volunteer pegasi. Until the Wonderbolts get here later, you’ll be our eyes and ears from the sky. We’ll search from the air if they were foolish enough to go inside the Everfree…”
“...An’ me plus the other earth ponies will be scoutin’ along this path here. With a bit o’ luck and some good light, we should be able to apprehend our quarry before the Summer Sun festival starts. Celestia knows what’ll happen if they ruin that next…” Applejack had commandeered a mini-force of at least ten good steeds including her own brother with more on the way, and she fully intended to use them.
“I’m afraid I won’t be much help, since I’m still recovering from my grievous injuries back in Sugarcube Corner, but if anypony needs drink or refreshments or anything at all, I’ll be waiting right here.” Whether Rarity was too frightened to follow the others or was utilising her mild burns as an excuse to stay put nopony would ever know, but at least she’d found a useful role for herself.
“W-Wha… a crazed angry mob?! To collar the dastardly duo in the act? I’m in! Pick me! Pick me!” Pinky Pie was soon back to her bouncy self, as Applejack gave her the nod to join her posse in their ‘noble’ quest for the nefarious pair of fugitives.
“I-If it’s okay with everypony else, I’ll stay at my cottage with Rarity.” Fluttershy announced solemnly to everypony else around her, but knowing the yellow pegasus’s timid nature as they did, they’d already assumed that would be her default position and sped off without her anyway.
“I hope they catch those ghastly evildoers… throw the key away… give them bread and water for life… no, stale bread and dirty water… speaking of water, did I tell you what they did to my beloved Carousel Boutique?!” Rarity obviously had her reasons to harbour a grudge against the duo on the run, but as Fluttershy politely listened to her rant and rave incessantly, she couldn’t help but think there was a lot more to their story than met the eye.
And if there’s one thing that life had taught the mild-mannered pegasus (other than to do unto others what you’d do to them, always turn the other cheek if you can, how to massage grizzly bears into submission etc) it’s that you should never jump to conclusions without establishing all the facts first.
Goodbye for now, Twilight Sparkle and dragon friend. And… good luck out there.
“I heard that. You better start treating me better, or next time you’re about to be hideously tortured whilst tied up, I’ll leave you to get your eyes poked out, throat slit and horn decapitated.”
“... For the last time, I wasn’t being held prisoner! Fluttershy just overdid it a bit on the hot towel front, she really didn’t mean any harm. You’re more the one I’m worried about: I think me and mum need to start updating the age restriction settings on your Netflix account. What on Earth put that unbelievably disturbing image in your…”
“ Someone’s never played Five Nights At Freddy's all the way through. Twice. And if you think what I described there is bad, you need to read this fanfic my ex-friend Florian sent me involving Pinkie Pie and a batch of very special cupcakes…”
“I don’t want to know. I will say one thing though, you’ve got some nerve telling me I need therapy, when you’re playing graphic horror games and reading gruesome stories… all at the tender age of nine. When I was as old as you are now, I never would’ve…”
“...What, been any fun? Yes, Big Brother I believe you. If you’re this boring now, who knows what you were like when you were a little kid. It’s not like you ever talk about it.”
“...Yeah, Dais. Not something I feel comfortable with discussing at this moment in time, and completely irrelevant to what we’re trying to do now, which is to stay one hoof-step ahead of a herd of mad ponies. You must see them running after us from your backwards vantage point, and with your super-enhanced-dragon-vision, surely you can tell me how close they are behind?”
“Hmm. I think you’re being a bit optimistic there, Darren. My sight is about the same when I was a human, only not quite as wide-ranged with more limited colours. Like I told you in Canterlot, remember? I think I may have spotted Applejack and Rainbow Dash arrive as we ran into the woods, in which case we have nothing to worry about.”
“Interesting. What makes you say that?”
“A little contest called ‘The Running Of The Leaves’, when you beat both their flanks into joint last place. Congratulations, by the way.”
“Cheers. I suppose you’re talking about Twilight Sparkle here though, not me. Did she win it then?”
“No, she came fifth. Still pretty good, considering how much of a nerd she is.”
Terrific. Really fills me full of confidence, that. “Anyway, I think we can take a bit of a break now in this secluded clearing. I think I must be getting used to this body, as I don’t even feel the least bit tired after galloping for twenty minutes non-stop! Now if only I could control this erratic horn and it’s untapped magical potential, we might finally be getting somewhere…”
I came to an abrupt halt in the aforementioned grassy patch surrounded by tallish trees, and ignoring Daisy’s obnoxious whining about her sore bottom, I endeavoured to decide what we were going to do next. It’s a shame I had to abandon Fluttershy like that, but as long as her crazy friends are around, ain’t no way I can risk receiving any help from her. Maybe, if me and bratface can avoid being caught before’hoof’ and gatecrash the festival to speak to this allegedly all-powerful Celestia one-on-one in private, we may be able to get her to understand. I’ll just ask Daisy about the best way to bust in, and… “Eeeeww”.
I tried and failed to turn away in time to miss the arresting sight of my-sister-turned-firebreather rubbing her scaly posterior on a patch of orangey flowers she’d uncovered in the corner of the clearing. “Aahhh, now that’s good! Just like rubbing a dock leaf into your skin when you’ve been stung by a nettle. Don’t ask me how I knew these would help my butt feel better, they just did. I must be some kind of plant genius…”
“Couldn’t agree more. So much so that you destroyed a very rare dandelion outside the mayor’s house, and now because of that we probably have every pony from miles around hot on our tail trying to capture us. What part of ‘let’s not make our terrible circumstances even worse’ did you not get, Daisy?”
“Oh buzz off, Big Brother. You really want me to bring up your charge sheet since we woke up here? Compared to me, you’re like a career criminal! Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea coming back to you so quickly… you always were a bad influence on me. That’s what I hear Mum say on the phone a lot, anyway.”
“...Okay, enough already. We can spend all day arguing about who’s to blame most for what situation and how we ended up here in the first place, but it’s not gonna get us anywhere, is it? We need to sit tight… take a pause… not make any more hasty decisions…”
“Oh, you mean like stealing all the food in a shop? Or embarrassing us in front of the Apples by mentioning a disgraced family member? Or re-traumatising Rainbow Dash by bringing up her nickname from when she was bullied at flight camp? Or nearly drowning us when you couldn’t keep your big mouth…”
“You just love to rub it in, don’t you? Besides Dais, as you well know most of those were accidents. What did you expect me to do after finding myself in an unfamiliar body in a world I don’t know the first thing about… blend in with the locals?” I snuck a peak to see if my sister had finished up her soothing ‘routine’, before trotting over to sit beside her on a conveniently-located log located underneath a shady branch. “I really think it’s about time we started working together more whilst we’re stuck here, or at least pretending to until we get it right. What d’ya say? Fancy a fresh start?”
“...Fine.” Daisy agreed to my terms in the most non-committal way imaginable, turning away as she did as if in a huff. “Gotta have somepony I can rely on I suppose, even if it’s you.”
I shall ignore that last comment, just to keep the peace for now. “Come on, Dais. I can tell something’s bugging you. Care to share?”
“... No, don’t wanna.”
“You know, it’s only gonna sit inside your head and get worse and worse if you don’t let it out. Come on, what have you got to lose?”
“...You wouldn’t understand, Big Brother. You’d probably think it was stupid, or worse still, laugh at me. So I’ll just keep it to myself, if you don’t mind.”
“...Maybe you’ve got a point there, but I think you’re forgetting something. I’m not ‘Darren’ for the time being, I’m ‘Princess Twilight Sparkle’, the mythical purple unicorn from the magical land of Equestria with a big horn, weird tattoo, girlish voice and all. If you can’t speak to her about your friendship problems, who can you confide in?”
“Dream on, you’re no ‘Princess’. Not for another sixty episodes at least. And how did you know it was friendship-related?”
“Dunno, just a lucky guess. Or perhaps, as an equine ambassador of friendship now, I have an inbuilt radar which homes in on anyone who’s going through relationship issues. So anyway, now we’ve established the root cause of your moodiness, let’s get to the heart of the issue, shall we? Is it about Mum? Me? Your old bestie with the stupid name? I don’t think we have much time before our four-legged friends catch up with us, so if you’re going to tell me, it better be soon…”
Pffff. “They’re no ‘friends’ of mine.”
Ah, we’re finally getting somewhere. “So, what can I derive from that last comment… that you had some kind of bad experience with ponies, possibly in the short amount of time when you left me to my own devices? You’ve more-or-less implied that much anyway, you may as well…”
What happened next, folks, may not come as much of a surprise to you. But for someone who’s known Daisy May Jones since her unexpected premature birth nearly a decade ago, it was an absolute shock on a par with me deciding to become a teetotal monk, or something.
(My middle name is ‘David’, by the way… just to make things equal. I won’t tell you who I got that from…) spits
I felt a smallish scaled form fling itself at my exposed neck, and its smooth hands firmly wrap themselves around the back as tears freely ran from the creature’s slit eyes.
Yes, folks. This was indeed my generally uncaring, mischievous, sarcastic, tiresome representative Of All That Is Naughty And Bratty little sister in a full and ungarnished emotional breakdown…
…And it was me she chose to unveil her moment of crisis to. I know, I had to do a sharp double-take as well.
“Oh Darren… i-it was awful. T-The things they said about me… t-that I was some kind of stupid, terrible, worthless person… t-they didn’t think I was listening, but I could hear every single word… t-the ponies here hate me, Darren, they actually hate me. E-Even Rainbow Dash…”
All of her pent-up emotional hang-ups and problems came bursting out like an erupting volcano along with a steady stream of hot, lava-like sweaty tears. It’s all I could do to keep pace with her blubbery self-agonising, but all she really needed from me in return was a warm hug and an occasional reassuring pat on the head.
Which is fine, because as far as empathy training goes, that’s probably my absolute limit.
"I-I don’t think I like it here anymore. L-Let’s leave this stupid place as soon as we can, and get back home to Mum… she’s probably called the police by now… don’t worry, I’ll tell her it’s not your fault. For a change.”
“Gee, thanks…” I smiled down at her with amusement as the strained sobbing at last began to subside. “And there was me thinking you were going to make up some farfetch'd tale about me abducting you so we could fly off to Las Vegas together and I’d spend all your college fund on drugs and seedy hookers while you played the slots. Pretty unlikely, but probably a lot more believable than what actually happened. Anyway, do you feel better now after letting all that out?”
“Y-Yeah, a bit. Sorry for being a pain.”
“What was that… an apology? I wish I had a picture handy, so I could frame this moment.”
“Don’t push it, Big Brother.” Her brief moment of contrition didn’t last long, as she hopped off my body to be as one with the grassy ground once more. “You’re just lucky enough to resemble the only member of the Main Six I like now, after the horrible way the rest have treated me and you. If you still looked like Darren, my dopey older-but-not-wiser brother, I don’t think I’d have been half as open. But thanks, anyway. You did your best to calm me down, your neck is warm and fuzzy, and I appreciate it. Really.”
“Charmed, I’m sure. And I’m with you as far as your opinions about the other ponies goes, apart from Fluttershy. I think you’d like her, if you gave her a chance.” I got up off the overturned tree I’d been sitting on to stretch my now multiple limbs. “Ouchie, major cramp. Gosh, who’d have thought having so many legs would be so much trouble? I live for the day I get back to just having two again. I mean, you can grip things with these stubby hooves easier than I thought, but even so… huh? Daisy? What are you gazing up at in fear all of a sudden? Why is your lower lip quivering? What’s with the slow backing away? And where did this large shadow come from that’s almost blocking out the… oh.”
In case you hadn’t noticed, I can be slow on the ol’ uptake sometimes. My reputation for being a bit dopey is well and truly warranted…
…Particularly when it takes me more than ten seconds to process the giant blue-skinned, thirty-foot, one-eyed, loincloth-clad muscular bloke armed with a club closing in on us at an uncomfortably fast rate of knots.
So, that’s what felled the tree we’ve both been making ourselves comfortable on, then. It’s a good job I’m not wearing any trousers, because if I was, I’d have double-filled them by now. Hopefully, he’ll be so busy taking care of ‘Monster Business’ (whatever that is), he’ll totally overlook a meaningless mare and a tiny reptile on his way to pillage villages, bespoil the ladies and whatnot.
“RRRRRAAAAGGHHHH!” Oops, looks like I thought too soon. As per usual. His single bloodshot pupil blinked angrily as he unerringly stomped through the undergrowth towards me and Daisy, waving his huge wooden weapon in the air as if he couldn’t wait to introduce it to us.
At extreme close quarters, that is. Repeatedly. Help!
“W-What is it, Big Brother? I-I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life.”
“It’s a Cyclops of course, Daisy. Haven’t you ever heard of the Greek myths? Percy Jackson?”
“The ‘green mints’? And of course I have! In fact, Florian was gonna lend me the entire series until we kinda fell out…”
“Figures. So you're telling me, this monster has never appeared in the show at all? Not even a little cameo in the background?”
“Positive. I’m sure I’d remember something so huge, so ugly, so horrible…”
“It’s a good job he’s so much taller than you, or you might’ve hurt his feelings. Anyway, the time for unnecessary banter is over. I think we need to get moving, until he decides to make pancakes out of us with that oversized rolling pin of a club.”
“ ‘Mints’? ‘Pancakes’? Do you ever stop thinking about your stomach, Big Brother?”
“Daisy Jones!! Stop kidding around! Our lives are in clear and present danger, and we need to get out of here right now. Come on, follow me… oh no…”
The next few seconds: well, let’s just say they were kind of… frenetic. Which is kind of the understatement of the millennium, but I seem to have forgotten to pack my thesaurus on this one-way vacation to Horsieland, so it’ll have to do.
Whether it was me trying too hard to pull Daisy forwards in my desperate attempt at retreating, or she simply stumbled over a loose root and lost her footing I guess we’ll never know…
…Because at the crucial moment we both should’ve been making some serious tracks in the distance, she fell head-over-tail to the ground…
…Just as Mr Massive Mono-Eye decided to bear down upon us, making enough noise through his inane grunting and tree-felling antics to waken the dead…
…Which I very much feared me and my sister were about to be, if we didn’t get the heck out of the way of his set route in the next few seconds.
How can he see such two tiny figures so far down with just one eye, anyway? We must be like ants to him. Microscopic, pathetic ants… I can remember thinking whilst panicking, as I quickly grabbed Daisy by the claws to unsuccessfully drag her up. Leave us alone, you… humongous freaky giant blueberry man, you! Heh; clearly not my best work, but I am sorta under a bit of pressure right now.
It was at this point, as I noticed with growing horror that every one step of his was the same as fifty of ours, we weren’t going to make it. I didn’t tell Daisy this depressingly uncomfortable truth, instinctively cowering as she was now amongst the crabgrass in a ball like a hedgehog resigned to getting run over in the middle of the freeway.
There was also nothing to be gained by proportioning blame for this unfortunate situation, as both of us had been equally too engaged in our usual ‘hilarious’ repartee to escape, even as Tall, Blue and Gruesome descended on us through the forest like an unstoppable juggernaut from hell.
Could this really be it…? But there’s so much more I wanted to do with my life… I mean, I can’t think of anything right now, but there’s gotta be something, right? I tightened my grip around Daisy’s understandably terrified draconic persona, unwilling to leave her behind even if it meant the two of us being marmalised together.
Besides, if I somehow got back home without her, Mum would’ve killed me anyway.
The monster was now just a matter of metres away…
I could almost hear the delight in his growl as he weighed up his options regarding our ultimate fate: death by stomping, or whomping on that improvised tree-trunk of a baseball bat he carried everywhere around with him?
Perhaps he’d take us back to his dingy cave for a delightful meal. And we’d be the appetiser.
That would be the ‘chomping’ option. See? I’m a poet, and I know it.
Something tells me neither choice would be particularly pleasant, though. Nor did it look like we were going to get much of a say in the matter, either.
But just as it seemed like our final moments together were approaching…
Just as it looked as though we’d be going to wherever haplessly displaced ponies and dragons end up after death…
A sudden fire of rebellion came out of nowhere and lit up my subconscious like nothing before.
(Well, there was that one time… but we’ll get to that later).
No! I refuse to die in a weird place like this! I’ve not even got to go to college! I haven’t done anything dodgy with members of the opposite sex! The new Final Fantasy game is still waiting by my PS4, just itching to be played! And D-Daisy, she hasn’t even properly started her life yet! I mean, she never shuts up, always puts us in mortal peril and has terrible taste in cartoons, but she’s my sister. My baby sister! “And… you’re… not… touching… HER!!”
For whatever reason (I’m still trying to figure it out to this day) it was that last thought which did it more than any other.
What’s ‘it’, you might ask? Well…
My horn, which had lay still, dormant and more-or-less useless for so long like an enlarged appendix upon the top of my brow, suddenly lit up like a thousand fireflies had crawled into it…
Simultaneously, I jumped up to defiantly stand over the trembling figure of my scaled sister, staring up unphased at the grotesque visage of our gargantuan aggressor and ready to tango with him, using seven simple words.
“WE… ARE… NOT… GOING… TO… DIE… TODAY!!”
Before I even really knew what I was doing (although it felt like the most natural thing in the world) a blast of unbelievably powerful lavender energy rocketed from my horn, like a Special Attack I’d been saving up deep down inside since arriving here.
It wasn’t particularly well-aimed, considering the size of the target I had to shoot at, but it did succeed in turning the guy’s fearsome club into nothing but kindle.
It also, um, might have severed the part of his loincloth which kept said miniscule item of clothing up in the first place.
And as the obviously very shy and much-more-sensitive-than-he-first-appeared Cyclops stampeded back into the depths of the forest from whence he came, hiding his shame and screeching with embarrassment all the way, a few random thoughts sprung to mind.
First off: Hurray, we’re still alive! Naturally.
Then, the slightly more nuanced: Huh, pretty small for such a big fellow. I’ll never feel an inferiority complex in the changing room ever again. Of course, just having one of those once more, whatever the size, would be good enough for me…
Finally, a feeling of absolute jubilation, exhilaration and stupefaction. Holy sh*t. Did I just do that? Darren the seven-stone weakling, who can’t even remove a spider from the bathtub without cracking up? HOLY SH*T.
“B-Big B-Brother. Y-Your horn. I-It’s still glowing.”
What? Oh, so it is. In all the excitement of the last few minutes, I hadn’t even noticed the fact that my pointed head appendage still lit up the early evening mist around us, and having no more need of it for now I swiftly extinguished the power. “There, that better?”
“Y-You can control it now?”
Wait… now that she mentions it… this is kinda new, ain’t it? I decided to try a few experiments with my apparent newly governable horn based on what little I’d seen of Twilight’s powers on the show. I zapped a leaf… flared it with light once more… levitated my uncomplaining sister a few feet in the air… teleported myself atop a sapling… tore a hole in the space/time continuum to get back home in an instant…
Sadly, only kidding with that last one. Still, four outta five ain’t bad. I’ll take it!
“Darren, I’ve never been more proud of you than I am right now!” A grinning Daisy jumped up to hug my withers affectionately, and for once her praise felt genuine like she didn’t want anything in return. “You stood up for yourself, saved our lives again, mastered your powers… I just wish I hadn’t had to see that thingie…”
“Thingie…?” Still reeling from the feeling of having seemingly unlimited magic at my fingertips (or hooves), it took me a minute or two to figure out what she meant. “Oh, I was hoping you'd missed that. But, I thought kids at your school started getting basic Sex Ed at age six? At least, that’s the way I remember it.”
“Yes, but we didn’t cover the body parts of giant blue one-eyed monsters! It's something I’ll have to live with, I guess. Still, look at you! You’re really starting to get used to life in the horseshoes of the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, aren’t you? Fancy staying on here for a while after all(!)”
“NO!!” The reply was so sharp, I scared away a nearby flock of buzzards. Sorry, birdies.
“Geez, I was just kidding. After what those ponies said about me back at the cafe, I’m as eager to get out of here as you are. We still have to find some way of staying one step ahead of those chasing after us, contact Celestia as soon as we get the chance and possibly defeat Nightmare Moon at some point. After all, if there’s an eternal night, we won’t be able to do anything anyway.”
“What? Her again? Can’t you just give it a rest with the whole ‘Nightmare Moon’ thing already? Besides, haven’t you noticed? I’m packing now, babes. This evil baddie doesn’t stand a chance against my new awesome abilities. If anything, they should be frightened of me. I’ll be their worst ‘Nightmare’!”
“Hmm. I appreciate the courage, Big Brother, but let me explain a few things to you as we walk along. The fact is, as strong as you might be now, you still don’t stand a chance against her in your current form without ‘The Elements Of Harmony’, for the simple reason that…”
As Daisy explained more and more of the dire situation we were in now, and how Friendship was indeed such an invaluable commodity in this wacked-out universe…
My initial enthusiasm for possessing this newfound power quickly left me as I realised just what now we were up against…
And so distracted were both of us in our heated discussion about how to avoid potential disaster…
We didn’t hear the awestruck two voices trailing us, equally locked in debate as to what their next move should be.
“D-Did ya see that, sugarcube? A-And she told me she couldn't use magic...”
“I-I did, and even I’m starting to get a bit nervous. To just blast a mighty Cyclops from here to Cloudsdale like that… I’ve never seen anything…”
“I fear we may have gotten ourselves into more than we bargained for here, Dashie. We might need extra reinforcements. I’m gonna go back and tell Pinkie, Mac and the others to keep their distance for now. Are you happy to keep followin’ them to see where they’re headed?”
“You can count on me, Applejack! Even if she does try zapping me, I’ll fly so fast she won’t even singe my tail!”
“That’s the stuff. Well, off I go…” ‘Reinforcements’? I wish. What a waste of time. I can think of only one alicorn able to handle an out-of-control mare with this much power, and she’s gonna be really busy today. But I gotta try and see her. The very future of the world could be at stake…
