Chapter 4: Time For A Snack.
“Giddy up, horsie! Yee-ha! Ride ‘em cowgirl…”
“Daisy, if you slap my butt one more time whilst I’m running, I swear…”
“No time to talk now, Darren! Keep galloping… we’ve got to find a nice, secret spot to write a letter to Princess Celestia before The Summer Sun Celebration begins! Which is the day after tomorrow, in case you didn’t know.”
“Funnily enough, no I don’t. You haven’t explained that part yet. And what do you mean by ‘the day after tomorrow’? You mean two days, right?”
“...My god Big Brother, you can be sssooo dumb sometimes. How you’re going to pass for Twilight Sparkle, the genius student of Celestia, I don’t know. Just let me do most of the talking, and don’t move a hoof until I say so. Then, we should be okay… I think.”
I can’t believe I’m being bossed about by someone who still slept in nappies a few short years ago. “Whatever gets us out of this nuthouse sooner, Daisy. Anyway, how’s the fire looking from where you’re sat? Can you still see the flames above the roof?”
“Hmm… I can’t exactly see so far in this tiny body, but I think the other ponies in Canterlot helped put them out really quick. Now, that's what I call teamwork. I think I even spotted your... I mean, Twilight's parents there. And who’d have thought Moon Dancer could carry so many buckets of water at once? I can't believe you didn't at least let me say 'goodbye' to her before we...” *mutter*
“As I told you before Dais, the less contact we have with the citizens of… whatever wacked-out totally-fictitious probably-damaged-beyond-repair part of my brain this place is, the better. And you say this city is called ‘Canterlot’? Like, ‘Camelot’ from King Arthur? I suppose the equine-related puns are only going to get funnier from here. Oh, my aching sides…”
‘I don’t think it’s meant to be funny Darren, it’s just a play on words by the writers…”
“No, I’m saying my sides are actually aching. I'm exhausted, and your spikes are digging into my flesh. Can we stop for a rest, please? I must’ve ran for twenty miles at least. That’s like, an entire London marathon, I think.”
If this new four-legged fuzzy form I’d been forced into had one minor upside, it was that it was far better equipped for both short and long-distance running than my normal one. No-one could ever say I was out-of-shape as a person, but there was something strangely majestic about rushing along with the wind against your back, your mane flying free, without a single care in the world…
No, I am not getting any pleasure out of this experience whatsoever(!) I am a nineteen-year old future male graduate with a few technical GCSEs in computing to my name, not a purple female pony who’s only future prospects are to trot around naked, solving ‘Friendship’ problems with my bestest buddies and having a stupid giant tattoo stuck on me against my will! If I do get any when I’m older, they’ll be ones of my choice, possibly related to my favourite bands or numerous girlfriends. It certainly won’t have anything to do with stars (I loathe astronomy), and I definitely wouldn’t have any so close to my backside…
“Have you finished yet? You’ve been staring at your Cutie Mark for a few minutes, at least. You nearly collided with that tree back there! I can tell you what it means, if you like. I know everything about all of them, if you ever wanna test me.”
“H-huh?” Daisy’s (or rather, Spike’s) boastful voice snapped me out of my temporary soliloquy, and I stammered my response to her-always inquisitive eyes. “N-no, I was just wondering if there was any way of getting rid of this stupid thing. I’m sick of seeing it looking at me every time I turn around. Can’t we just… cover it up with purple paint, or something?”
“Not unless you want other creatures to look oddly at you even more than they probably will already. And there are ways of getting rid of Cutie Marks, but trust me… you don’t want to know about any of them. Anyway, if you’re tired, shall we stop here? I think the owner of this shop rushed off to help with the fire, and there are no other customers in sight. We can write the letter to Celestia too, while we’re inside.”
Unable to think of any better suggestions (this ponified universe was her territory after all, I was merely a ‘guest’ in it). I pantingly screeched to a halt before staggering my way into the building.
Apparently it was some kind of food vendor, as I saw many varied fruits and vegetables on display on the shelves and behind the glass counter. What I wouldn’t give for a nice, juicy steak ‘round about now. Not that I could digest it, of course. Guess a totally different diet is something else I’ll have to adjust to whilst I’m stuck here. My situation just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?
“Hey Big Brother, think yourself lucky! As a dragon, I have to eat pretty much nothing but gems from now on. And they’re much harder to come by than apples and pears, believe me!” Daisy read my thoughts again in that weird sibling way she does whilst I glanced about with anguish at my leafy surroundings, before she finally hopped off my back and had a long stretch. “That was just as much fun as I thought it’d be! Even if I had to grab hold of your horn a bit at the end there just to avoid falling off. At least it's good for something, considering you can't use it for magic. Anyway, shall we make a start on writing to… what are you doing?!”
“ Pardon?” My voice was somewhat muffled at present, as my mouth had somehow gotten filled with all manner of greengrocer-related produce (not cherries or nectarines though; I always seemed to swallow the stones) in record time. “Oh yeah. You do that…” *Gulp*
“Darren Jones!! Sometimes I’m ashamed to call you my brother.” Both Daisy and Mum have a habit of calling me by my full name when they’re especially cross at me, which is… quite a lot. Surprisingly. “This store belongs to a hard-working pony, and you’re ruining their business! You’re supposed to pay for that food with bits…”
“What are ‘bits’ here? Like, currency?”
“If you mean like pounds and pennies, then yes.”
“Well, have you got any on you?”
“Erm, no. Not at the moment.”
“And neither do I! But I haven’t had a bite to eat since we got here, and I’m absolutely f… riggin’ starving! So what else do you suggest I do? Die of hunger?”
“W-Well, you could’ve asked when they go back, at least. What you’re doing is against the law… it’s wrong to steal… didn’t you always teach me that?!”
At this point I laughed so hard, I almost choked on a nice juicy piece of watermelon that slid its way down my throat. “Like I give a toss about the ‘laws’ of this fake cartoon world! I didn’t even ask to be sent here. And now that I am, I’m going to do whatever it takes to survive. If that means ruining the livelihood of some poor talking pony who shouldn’t even exist in the first place, then that’s just their bad luck isn’t it. Hey, could you pass me those blueberries, Dais? …No, those are blackberries. What, are dragons generally colour blind in this show as well as being very small, very annoying and prone to starting major fires at a moment’s notice?”
“I-I did notice I saw a lot more red than before, compared to other colours…” Daisy admitted, whilst blushing a little for some reason.
“I see. Sucks for you I guess, cos my vision be perfect.” I bragged, lying through my teeth. Well, it was for the most part… but for some reason my red, green and orange spectrum was a bit messed up. Whether this was normal for the species or one of Twilight’s personal problems I had no clue. Not that I intended on hanging around here long enough for it to affect me, of course. “Anyway, how’s that letter coming along?”
“I haven’t started it yet. I was too distracted by your horrible table manners! You’re eating like a pig, not a pony!” Daisy put her claws to her sides in disgust, before dodging nimbly out of the way as half an orange got squirted against the wall. Hmm. Maybe she’s got a point. But apparently I’m a wild animal now, so I don’t have to bother with such tiresome things as human etiquette. I’ll take the meagre benefits to being here in this weird body when I can, thank you.
“Whatever. Just get it done. I’m nearly finished with my lunch now, so the sooner you complete it and we’re on our way to Ponyville, the better. In fact, how do we get there? And how far away exactly is it?”
“Er, about a day’s chariot ride away I’d say. And we can’t leave straight away, we have to wait for a reply first. Can’t you eat the rest of that pineapple outside? I fear if we stay here any longer, the owner of the store will return, we’ll be arrested and all this will be for nothing. If Celestia found out, she’d never let a thief represent her at the…”
“Yes, I heard. For the Summer Solstice, right? See, I’m not completely thick.” *Burp*
“...Close enough for now. And at least belching loudly after a big meal is something both you and Twilight have in common. We’ve gotta start somewhere, I guess.”
“See, Dais? Things are looking up already. There’s just one more thing I need to know for now about the show. You might even say I‘m quite desperate…”
“Well, you’re talking to the right girl here! What d’ya wanna know, Big Brother? About Nightmare Moon? Your future friends? How you’ll save the day, reunite the alicorn sisters and then…”
“Geez Daisy, someone should stick a big neon ‘Spoiler alert’ sign on top of your horns. I only wanted to know where the toilets are; there are toilets here, right? Because if you’re telling me I have to find a field somewhere… I’m not gonna be very happy. And that’s putting it mildly.”
**************
Turns out Daisy didn’t exactly know where the loos were located in Canterlot, but fortunately they did exist (maybe these ponies are more civilised than I thought) and there were some empty public ones located just behind the shop where I’d enjoyed my free feast.
After the unpleasantness of relieving myself was all over (don’t ask me to describe the sensation, I just looked up the whole time and blindly dabbed the general area afterwards with a large wad of toilet roll) I left the cubicle, feeling much more refreshed and nourished than before.
Before leaving, we were kind enough to leave a polite note to whoever-it-may-concern at the shop that said ‘SORRY’ in big pink letters with a sad pony face and a teardrop running down its cheek. It was Daisy who drew the picture (I freely concede that art is one of the few skills she’s better at me in, especially as I have no hands to speak of anymore) and came up with the notion of adding the tear afterwards. A nice touch, I thought. My conscience felt better already.
And the good news just kept on coming. Whilst I ‘took care of business’, Daisy sent her letter and got an almost instant response from Celestia (how she got the letter to the Princess so fast, I don’t know; must be some dragon thing) that basically said what Daisy had already predicted … we’d be bummed off to Ponyville at the earliest opportunity, where we’d be supervising some stupid hippie festival and stay at a library instead of the four-star all-expenses hotel we truly deserved.
If I was the gigantic nerd Twilight seemed to be, I’d probably be doing backflips on the dirt road right now. Me, on the other ‘hoof’... I wasn’t quite so enthusiastic.
“It’s a good job we’ll be getting out of here soon enough.” I growled with determined yet groundless confidence, whilst staring out into the horizon expectantly. “I’m not spending the rest of my life surrounded by dull textbooks now my school days are over, especially if I have to live with someone who’s liable to burn us to a cinder given half a chance.”
“Actually I think I’m getting the hang of this ‘dragonbreath‘ thing now, Big Brother. And for your information, you won’t live at Golden Oak forever. At the end of season four, you’ll get your very own castle! It’s made out of special crystal too, all glittery and shiny…”
“Dais, if I could give any less of a f…flip about what overpriced merchandise Hasbros decided to whore to the masses, I’d be amazed! Also, I hate to burst your bubble, but the property in question is manufactured from the cheapest plastic one can import from Hong Kong, not quality glass! Why you never watch any of the programmes I recommend to you, I don’t know. You’d love watching South Park with me: and Mum never has to find out about it. There’s this guy called Butters Stotch, and he’s hysterical! I love the episode where Cartman impersonates his parents, and… oh, finally they’re here.”
The ‘they’ in question were two golden armour-clad pegasus stallions (Or ‘pegasi’ as my smug little sister reliably informed me) pulling a chariot just big enough for a pony and an annoying baby dragon to squeeze into. Celestia’s letter had informed us they’d be here to pick us up at this exact spot a quarter of an hour ago, but needless to say they were late. Just like the taxis back home, some things never change no matter where you are.
‘About time you got here, you tardy buffoons…’ I was about to remark (or something slightly more profane) as they landed, in a fit of anger. But a brief nudge and a disapproving look from my reptilian sister was just enough to get me to bite my tongue ouch to let her say the first few words to them, as per our earlier arrangement.
“Hi. Are you here to pick up Spike and Twilight Sparkle?”
“That’s right. Is that you two?”
“Yep. N-no doubt about it. That’s Twilight Sparkle the unicorn, Celstia’s own personal student over there, and I’m her lovable, huggable and overall highly effective assistant Spike the dragon. Pleased to meet you both. Shall we go?”
The pair of stallions looked at each other momentarily oh please tell me they haven’t rumbled us already before they shrugged their shoulders in unison, and stepped aside for us to climb onboard their Roman-era vehicle. Well, that was much easier than I thought. I suppose Daisy deserves a bit of credit, considering she didn’t totally mess up for a change. Will wonders never cease.
She seemed to appreciate the silent thumbs-up (or whatever they call it here) I gave her behind the stallions’ back as we lifted off, indicating our first interaction with the residents of this universe had been a rousing success. Now all we have to do is convince everyone else who lives here we exchange more than a few words with that we’ve taken on totally different identities, and everything will work out just fine. Piece o’cake…
Perfectly aware that things weren’t quite going to be that simple, I more-or-less pushed those pessimistic thoughts to the back of my head as I closed my eyes to get some well-deserved rest for the long(?) trip ahead…
…When something one of our chauffeur stallions said to the other caused my eyelids to flicker wide once again. “Did you hear the latest news, Thunderclap? They reckon after the dastardly arsonist tried to destroy the local book depository, they then launched a daring raid on Sesame Seed’s fruit stall while everypony was otherwise occupied, blocked the toilet outside and even left a taunting note before making their getaway. For this awful crime to occur in Canterlot of all places, too. This used to be such a nice neighbourhood. I tell you, nowhere’s safe these days…”
Me and Daisy seemed to gulp simultaneously, then exchanged a look which could be summed up as ‘mild panic’.
Uh oh. And we thought we’d been doing so well. Whatever low profile we’d hoped to keep whilst being here, had just been dealt a heavy blow.
At least we were travelling to a brand new town now. One where we could blend in, escape scrutiny, make a fresh start…
…It may not surprise you that events didn’t quite work out that way.
Well, another chapter down... and next time, we're gonna get to the heart of the action.
Don't touch that dial! Or... something. 
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loved that end
11698147
Wait and see. He's not quite at the end of his tether just yet...
11700879
Something like that.
11700922
Hopefully the rest was pretty good too.
I'll laugh if "Spike" ends up as the element of magic instead of "Twilight".
I expect the elements to not work or Celestia figuring them out after Nightmare Moons defeat and then help them get home. But it takes a while until Discord appears and he could send them back but doesn’t or does in there current bodies.
11702607 To be honest, I don't think Darren could care less. All he wants to do get back to his RPG, his packing and his new college digs.
Still, life doesn't always necessarily give you what you 'want'. And he's in for a few unpleasant (not to mention thoroughly confusing) experiences yet, believe me...
11702664
Whatever the future holds, let's just hope both brother & sister have improved their relationship by the end and both of them have learned something. After all, isn't that what all good 'Coming Of Age Tales After Being Sucked Into A Television Show' are all about?
Hey, I think I just invented a new genre!
Am I the only one who thinks Darren is going to get his ass kicked at some point?
11703701
In Ponyville, doubtful. Unless he REALLY pushes it…
11704505
I can imagine a case (involving stolen apples)
But I think you're right, I don't think he would make the same mistake twice (although I wish someone would make him take the situation seriously)
Denial isn't a river in Egypt.
Ohhhhh the end kill me