Chapter 11: A Pony Alone.
“Stupid Daisy. Stupid Mum. Stupid Dad. Stupid World full of stupid ponies. Stupid four-legged body with stupid female parts and stupid emotions. Stupid everything… stupid, stupid, stupid.”
After spending the best of five minutes cursing the cruel fate that dumped me here, virtually every facet of my sorry life and turning the air blue with some distinctly unkid-friendly language (FYI, you could substitute the word ‘stupid’ for any of the worst profanities known to salty sailors or barfight drunkards to get a general idea of the verbal filth I unhesitatingly unleashed just now) I was ready to move off on my own... Wait, no I’m not. There's something I have to do first.
I decided to give my undercarriage a quick once-over to see if my thankfully now long-since-departed sister was on the level; and let’s just say I am never putting my hoof down there again.
That entire sensitive area is made up of red-hot coals, as far as I’m concerned. I refuse to believe all that general softness and squidginess below belongs to me, and it’s all I can do now to put the reality of the twin bouncing lumps of fat I feel down there with every painful trot or gallop to the back of my mind.
I am not a magical mare with a horn, I am a human male with a future college degree. I have a strong tenor voice, not a feeble soprano one. I have light brown hair, a few moles on my back and a regular chest. Not lavender fur, six stars near my butt and about a dozen nippl… “Aarrgh!”
Despite straining every sinew, an anguished shriek of agony escaped my lips to express my pent-up thoughts. I like to tell myself I’m a person with pretty strong willpower, that’s how I was able to push through the noisy drama of my parents’ acrimonious break-up to put my nose to the grindstone and clinch a place at university (not the one of my choice, but who cares… it’s better than nothing).
With all the distracting bullsh*t that went on back then, with my cheating father taking off early one morning along with most of our possessions without saying a word, Mother literally tearing what was left of the place apart once she discovered he’d gone for good and Daisy trying to climb into my bed every night in the histrionic aftermath because she felt ‘lonely’ and ‘traumatised’ or something (why d’ya think I have a double padlock with password on my door handle?) this was no small feat, let me tell you.
But being forced into a mythical ‘wonderland’ as a made-up creature of the opposite sex, based on the canon of my most hated of TV shows for little kids and weird adults alike, and never being able to find a route back, both to my home planet and my proper un-equine form…?
This sort of inexplicable dilemma was the stuff true nightmares were made of. If I really thought about it more, I’d probably go certifiably insane. And being treated for a massive mental breakdown in an unfamiliar dimension where nopony would believe me, and their ‘remedy’ for such an extreme feeling of displacement would probably consist of friendship, love and a side-order of heavy snuggling?
No bloody thank you. Failing to come up with an answer to the multitudes of problems that surrounded me, what I really needed was something to take my mind off my apparently hopeless situation, just like lengthy JRPG video games and the occasional (strictly recreational if any law-enforcement officials are reading this) use of Class B drugs did when I hadn’t possessed the ability to sire colourful cute foals. I wanted… no, needed peace, quiet, calmness and… is that the enchanting melody of songbirds chirping away I hear in the distance?
I was never really one for nature back on Earth, quite frankly I kinda took it for granted. In fact, I made a point of laughing at the heavily wrapped-up middle-aged loners who wasted their Saturday afternoons sitting on benches throwing stale pieces of white bread to the skinny ducks at the local pond. (My argument was: you never know how long you’ve got left, so why are you spending your precious time feeding these ungrateful quackers when you could be doing something useful with your life… like, getting a life?)
Now though, I regret every last harsh word and mean remark I callously made about these poor, unfortunate souls as I passed them by, usually on my way to Alex’s house across the park. I get it now. The simple serenity of seeing two mallards fight over a crust, or seeing a large swan swoop at the last minute as if to announce ‘I’m having this’. It’s relaxing, it takes your mind off the stresses and strains of the day… and how I need that right now more than anything. “Hey birdies, don’t go. I-I need you…”
Galloping eagerly forward with a spring in my step once more, as well as being so glad my old school chums weren’t here to see ‘Darren The Hard Man’ (NB: they never actually called me that) so excited over the mere presence of ornithological life, it wasn’t long before I stumbled across the feathered concerto in full chorus on a tree branch, and a more pleasing and pleasant sound you’d be hard-pushed to find. But what really drew my attention was the pink-maned butter-yellow pegasus busy conducting the arrangement nearby.
“Oh my. Um… stop please, everyone.” The performers took a quick break whilst the mild-mannered pony gently scolded one of their number. “Excuse me, sir… I mean no offence, but your rhythm is just a teeny-tiny bit off. A-one and a-two and a-three…”
Hmph. He sounded just fine to me. Everyone’s a critic, I suppose. In any case, it looks like I’ve tracked down Fluttershy before Little Miss Arsonist has, so I better make full use of this golden opportunity. Remember what she told you before she buggered off to God-knows-where… ‘No sudden moves, keep volume to a minimum, and most importantly of all, don’t be yourself’. Wait… was that an insult by stealth?! Why that…
Oops, there'd be plenty of time to cuss out Daisy during our not-exactly long-awaited reunion later. Right now, unless I made a friend, any friend in this crazy land, my chances of escaping here were about on par with learning to control this dumb horn of mine. Which is to say, not good. At all.
Eventually, I just decided to put all my cards on the table and go straight in there. If I snuck up to Fluttershy, or even just stood there staring at her bug-eyed and she noticed me first, she might find that a tad creepy. BANG would go my chance of properly introducing myself in a manner which could be conducive to a long-term friendship.
I mean, those ‘foolproof’ tactics have never worked with me getting a girlfriend when I tried them multiple times before, so why would it be any different with intelligent animal life? Anyway, here goes everything…
“U-Um… Hi? N-Nice birdies.”
The effect my shortish greeting had was instantaneous, and not in the desired way. The skittish pegasus shrieked in surprise at my unexpected declaration, and all the birds abruptly left their perch to fly high in the sky as if expecting a hunter with a gun.
Wow, am I really that off-putting? It doesn't seem to matter what body I inhabit, I bring out the worst in everyone. I could be the perfect hybrid of Brad Pitt and Harry Styles, and they’d still run a mile upon my approach. Way to make me feel good about myself, Fluttershy and assorted company. I’ll leave now, so you won’t have to suffer me any longer…
I was just about to trudge off in defeat once more, depressingly unsure what my next move would be now… when my suddenly watery vision was interrupted by the sensation of a feathery wing gently lifting up my chin, and a genuinely concerned yellow equine face looking back at mine.
“Oh my gosh. Are you… crying?”
“N-No, not at all. I’m a big strong guy, and big strong guys don’t c-cry. I-I just have something in my eye… bad pair of contact lenses… been peeling onions… oh hell, who am I-I kidding… I-I need h-help…”
It had finally happened. The walls of denial had at long last collapsed, the dam had well and truly burst and here I was shivering and shaking as cold, hard reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I found myself sobbing like a newborn whilst vigorously hugging a creature that by all scientific and logical reasoning shouldn’t even exist.
But the fact remained she was here now, when no-one else was. Even at home, with my mum at work most of the time just to make ends meet and my sister trying to wind me up as much as humanly possible, it was hard to find anyone else to confide in.
We all had our own ways of coping with what’d happened to our family just two years ago, and I guess my main method was shutting myself away, refusing to interact with a world that I felt had taken everything from me.
Even though I refused to admit to myself before now, this was the main reason I couldn’t wait to leave for pastures new. Not because of Daisy, as perpetually annoying as she could be. Not because of Mum, so absent most of the time she might as well not be around.
It was the memories of back then, that I thought I’d safely shut away forever and could further distance myself from by leaving home in a physical sense too. I’d put so much stock into this flawed ideal, the fact my plan was thwarted by the most bizarre of occurrences was… disconcerting to say the least.
This predicament I found myself in did have one major upside though; it’d finally made me realise, I needed to talk to others to feel better. It was no good running and hiding all your life, because that would only lead to much more problems further down the line.
Besides, I’d tried that path already, and look what it’d made me; angry, jaded, lashing out at everyone around without seeing the main cause of my unhappiness was staring right back at me from the mirror.
Well, all that was going to change from now on. As embarrassing as it is to confess, this long cry I’ve just had cuddling up with Fluttershy has made me feel better than I have done for a long time, like someone pushing a thousand-ton millstone off my back. And I hadn’t even started discussing my issues… had I finally learned to accept that ‘Friendship Is Magic’? Nah, I’m not quite ready to go that soppy yet.
As if reading my mind, Fluttershy slowly withdrew her embrace to give me a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry I was a little… startled when we first met. I’m just not used to meeting new ponies, I’m much more comfortable with animals. But when I see any creature in distress I’ll always try to help them, and I’ve rarely seen somepony as sad as you seem right now. Would you like to come to my little cottage, and we can share a pot of tea while you tell me all about it? It’s quite near the Everfree Forest, but don’t worry; none of the creatures will bother us…”
How did she know, us Brits love tea so much? Wonder if she has any Jammie Dodgers... I silently nodded my head with a sniffle, as if what she told me meant anything. I finally might be making a friend here, and I don’t want to jinx it by blurting out something inappropriate again that’ll land me in hot water. All I have to do is keep schtum, and maybe, just maybe things might start going my way.
“Oh, and you’ll have to watch out for Angel Bunny. He’s a very loving pet really, but he can be very mischievous, especially around strangers…” Fluttershy continued to talk nonsense about a harmless rabbit, as she led me forward to an interesting-looking ramshackle structure. “See, what did I tell you? Just around the corner. Now, you go inside and make yourself comfortable, while I boil the… oh, what’s this? I don’t usually get mail this late in the afternoon…”
I was so transfixed by the construction of her makeshift homestead, I barely even noticed the cross-eyed winged mare deliver an envelope stamped with a big red URGENT before flying off. Huh, look at all those wooden birdhouses. It appears more like an animal sanctuary than a house. And what’s with the leafy roof? It’s like the top of a giant tree. All you can say is, you can definitely tell she built it herself…
“Ahem.” My comprehensive analysis of Fluttershy’s domicile was halted by the yellow pegasus thrusting a piece of paper right in front of me; and all it took was one glance to turn my blood cold.
Want to know what it says? Well, stick around ‘til the next chapter to find ou…
Just kidding! I wouldn’t do that to you guys… or would I?
Not today, anyway. Lucky you! Here we go…
Wanted: Purple Female Unicorn Pony Suspected Of Multiple Offences Including Purposely Setting Fires Destroying Grocery Stores Blocking Toilets In Canterlot And Causing Mini-Floods Killing Valuable Plant Life Hurting Ponies Feelings In Ponyville Name Will Be Announced When Revealed May Have Tiny Dragon Accomplice Reward For Capture Will Be The Immense Gratitude Of All Citizens And Maybe Some Vanilla Cookies If You Know Her Whereabouts Please Contact The Office Of Mayor Mare IMMEDIATELY Thank You And Have A Lovely Day.
Also enclosed with the letter was an expertly-illustrated hoof-drawn artist’s impression of the dastardly culprit, which bore a striking resemblance to…
“Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but is this you?” Fluttershy asked me with an unreadable expression as my head began spinning once more.
I’ll say one thing for the ponified residents of Equestria, their Neigh-bourhood Watch system is excellent.
I knew the regrettable events of my past would catch up to me one day…
I just didn’t realise how quickly.
A bit of a change of pace this chapter, with more pathos and slightly less jokes. Well, didn't think it was labelled 'drama' for nothing, did you? 
Next up, something I haven't done before: a chapter from Daisy's POV. Is she as much as a spiteful brat as it seems, or is there a HIdden Heart Of Gold in there somewhere? And what will she get up to, in the setting of her favourite show EVA apart from iCarly perhaps?
Well, you'll find out soon enough. Definitely before Christmas, anyway. 🎅
P.S Thanks for giving me over 900 stalkers followers. 'Preciate it! 
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Uh oh, will Darren be sent to friendship jail for his crimes against friendship? Hopefully Fluttershy can shelter this dastardly outlaw from the authorities.
"THERE HE IS, THAT'S THE BASTARD WHO SCREWING UP MY LIFE"
Mirror:
... thats cute that they think that those "crimies" are worthy more than rolling eyes
) properly might stare shame entire city thus ending entire issue ... it might also increase revenue from Ponyville Therapist Tax 
We only need about six to eight hours (Less if Nimmy is faster in getting of the Moon) to change this list from some kind of marehunt for purple deliquent to "Run away from "Malice" Incarnate"... and I ain't talking about Death Metal Princess
Oh and Draconic twerp might pull of great impresion of "Twilight Rage-shift" ... but who cares
Of course this everything can be easily averted since our protagonist now has ear of Fluttershy , a pony that if convinced (and peeved off enough ... a lot that is
So lets hope that our protagonist finally gets a clue and presenst himself as more pathetic emotional wreck than Angel bunny ... which is not hard all things consider
Woo, we're getting some character development there!!
11763060
BTW, Anyone else think introducing all that modern technology in MLP 5.0 was a big mistake?
Nah, it's the electric chair for him... as soon as they can find somewhere to plug it in.
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Yep, Ponyville isn't exactly know as a Crime Capital, so they haven't yet devised punishments worthy of the heinous misdeeds our stranded protaganist has got himself involved in so far.
All that could change though, if his devastating spree of being rude to others, unsolicited gardening and eating food without paying continues on unchecked...
11763082
Well, after mind-blowing experiences like the ones Darrens suffered through so far, how can any one of us say we'd be just the same afterwards?
What, you say you WOULD be? You sir are a liar, and I trust you just as much as those lucky b*stards who win millions of pounds on the lottery and say 'they won't change a thing'...
She poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto our houses!
11763178
She did?!
Looks like their actions are finally having consequences.
Repeat after me: "I don't know what went wrong...".
Everyone will nod and forgive everything... or run in fear of another of that type of pony.
11763178
Actually, because she poisoned the water supply we discovered that the city's pipe infrastructure is very severely outdated, so it's good she brought our attention to that, thousands of ponies could have gotten really sick over the next few years.
Secondly, because she snuck past the security system so easily, we found that funds specifically for that security system were being embezzled by government officials, so we busted a major fraud ring.
And finally, the pathogen she unleashed does give ponies mild diarrhea but we found it also is a great source of vitamin C.
Every pony ever: "What are you talking about? This treatment is perfect, works all the time!"
Be happy Daisy didn't see this...
This part is very well written.
Poor Darren. Hopefully Fluttershy can put him back together.
Good chapter!
I enjoyed reading it.
Small suggestion:
The letter could use a bit of better formatting.
Maybe put it into a quote box, add a bulleted list for the individual charges and add a few line breaks. (The latter two are optional if it is intended to be a single long sentence.)
Честно говоря я ожидаю чего то вроде просьбы главного героя его не сдавать и отказа Флаттершай со слова "не бойся, всё будет хорошо, уверена тебя простят"
И после главный герой в паническом страхе лягает жёлтую пегаску и сбегает в лес или в библиотеку "Золотой дуб". Ну а после к Флатершай приходят Радуга Дешь, Эплджек, Рэрити и другие пони пытаясь её поддержать.
So, do the accents carry over into Twilight and Spike's bodies?
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Nah, that would be the guys who created this monstrosity.
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For all intents and purposes, they ARE Spike and Twilight. As for where the real ones are, well...
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No Karma Houdinis in my fics!!
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Then someone else will say "I Love You Guys!" They'll all have a big group hug, then you'll see these. Yay!
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...You put wwaayy too much thought into that to be healthy. Have you ever considered... writing?
11763582
Maybe in the confines of a show for kids, but not for people from Earth enduring 'real' problems.
Considering it happened just like that in canon, I'm not sure it would've made a lot of difference.
Why thank you, my good man. Unless you're implying... the rest isn't.
Oh, and here you go Flutters. 🩹
Totally intentional, dude. The letter was scribbled in a hurry by the mayor, so was meant to come across as messy and slapdash. Cheers for the future advice, though.
11763633
Hey, who's telling this story... you, or me?
(Only joking, you can guess as much as you like, but the only way of knowing is to wait for that particular update to arrive. But it won't be the next chapter, cos we be following Daisy. Hope you've all got fire insurance.) 🎇
11763915
I never really thought about that, tbh. Not sure it would've changed things anyway, as all the ponies they've interacted with so far didn't really know Spike and Twilight before the big ol' switcheroo. This could change, however...
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https://m.11763943
Oh God, my f#cking eyes
talk about Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking crimes. Also that is an excellent mail system.
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Every pony ever: "In doubt just add singing a song about friendship to the list. This will get the job done."
Darren didn’t have dragon so…
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Well, they did show that Gen4 had honest to God televisions when they went hunting after Stygian. So they were getting there.
A este paso se convertira en la poni mas buscada de toda Equestria porque dan a entender que ahi el crimen es algo MUY raro. Me pregunto como reaccionara Celestia al saber que su aprendiz es una criminal buscada
Ya para este paso que le pidan ayuda a Pinkie ya que puede romper la cuarta pared
11763943
Why, yes, I have. And I don't think it's going too well. Plus, I was just quoting this.
Ooooh Sh÷t!!!!
OK then, I wonder how their gonna handle the situation.
Like maybe Twilight will tell her the half truth, like how his stupid mean personality always get her in trouble with their Adopted Siblings who is a Dragon
I'm sad that I read this Fanfiction too fast but it was awesome 👌
Not going to lie. This made me laugh.
Nice
Очень ждём продолжения этой замечательной истории!
Are you planning on going as far as Nightmare Moon, or even further than that?
"Nah that's not me. Look, this pony has a tiny dragon with her!"