After beeing defeated by the Mane6, Luna returned to Canterlot. On her first day there she finds a letter from her sister. What does it say? Read it to know.
I wrote this story to practise my writing skills. I'm not good at adding feelings to stories, so I gave it a try. English isn't my native language, I'm sorry for any spelling or grammar errors. Feel free to list them, I can only get better. And to be honest, I used Google translator for some phrases (shame on me). ^.^
I would appreciate it, if you give feedback, because I really want to improve my wrinting and my English.
~Edit~
Fixed the paragraph problem and some spelling errors.
Chapters (1)
Walls of text... they are everywhere...
WHERE ARE THE PARAGRAPHS?
Ok before I can honestly review the story there are somethings to be adressed. 1) Break up the large blocks of text at the end, like when you switch from Celestia to Luna speaking. 2) Google Translate is fine for somethings but in the case of this, no. Find a pre-reader that is a native speaker or can read/write/speak it fluently. Google Translate can never replace a living human since there are somethings that cannot be translated by a computer correctly like for example you have Luna saying that she was banned to the Moon, you meant to say she was Banished to the Moon.
It's a start, and you are correct this is a good way to practice your English and I've seen native speakers butcher the language very, very badly.
Needs a lot of work, but its not that bad. Paragraphs are a must. Banished, or sent to the moon, not banned. If you can fix up the paragraph problem, i'll gladly try to list gramatical errors I see.
I don't know why readers are bludgeoning you with dislikes, because this story is excellent! The actual events in the story were very good, but the way you worded them is quite awkward in places. You have a great amount of promise as a FIMFiction writer, and I noticed that you said that you were working on your English writing abilities, so I'll grant you that. I'd recommend selecting a pre-reader from someone you know in real life, or another user here on FIMFiction.net who fluently speaks English in order to ensure your stories convey the message intended. Keep it up!
Before I can start my "two-cents" critique, let me say that this is a pretty good start. I've seen many writers who are fluent in English write piles of garbage that I couldn't bear to read. But you look like you're putting some effort into your writing, so you earn some respect for that.
But on to the not so great parts. First and most obvious: the giant walls of text. This one's an easy fix, just double-space after every new speaker and wherever it seems necessary. It's a little unspecific, I know, but splitting up your paragraphs into smaller chunks makes it a lot easier to follow and digest. Having huge blocks of words tends to swerve people away, even if your story isn't all that bad.
You've also got a lot grammar issues to work out. Seeing as though English is your second language, however, I can see why. There's a group here on Fimfiction called "Looking for Editors" that you should probably check out. They're usually real good at helping people fix their problems. Google Translate is fine and dandy when you need help on the fly, but when it comes to writing a story, you need the well-trained eye of an editor.
To summarize, most of the problems you've got here are grammatical. Can't say there's much wrong with the story itself. Sure, the Luna-guilt thing is a bit overdone, but there are some who like a good "DAWWW" story every once in a while. All in all, this isn't an unsalvagable wreck. With a few tweaks and some help, I think you just might have something going for ya. And if it doesn't work, well, at least you can practice your English, am I right?
Best of Luck,
~Schlippy of the newly reformed TWE.