Dungeons & Dashes

by lewd

Session 0

***

"So, like, once upon a time there was this pony—"

...!?

"No Pinkie, it wasn’t Fluttershy."

"Anyways, there was this pony—"

...!?

"No Pinkie, it wasn’t Applejack or Twilight, either. Can we please just move on to the game already?"

"Anyways, once upon a time there was this pony. And she was like the coolest pony in all of Equestria—"

"Wait—I mean Equinia."

"Ehem."

"So she was, like, the coolest pony in Equinia—"

...?

"How do you spell that? Uhh….e...q...ugh, that’s not important right now, Twilight!"

"So anyways, she was the coolest pony in Equinia and one day she—"

...?

"What was she wearing? Um, armor, I guess?"

...?

"Like, silver, maybe?"

...?

"What shade of silver? It was silver, Rarity."

...

"What do you mean that wouldn’t make good armor? It’s silver, Twilight. Silver is, like, hard and shiny."

...

"Ugh, fine. It was magic silver armor. Happy?"

…

"Anyways, one day she was flying over Canterlot—I mean Cantertop—"

…

"What do you mean you attack, Applejack? Nothing has even happened, yet! Who are you attacking?"

…

"Ugh. Fine. Roll an attack."

…

"19? Fine. You knock out the ‘no-good thief pony’ standing next to you in the tavern, happy?"

…?

"Is it a nice tavern? *Sigh.* I don’t know Fluttershy, it’s a tavern."

…?

"*Sigh.* Let me roll on the table."

…

"There’s a cat. His name is Mittens."

…?

"Yes, Timidhooves can pet him."

…?

"Her animal companion? Sure, I guess?"

…?

"I don’t know, white?"

…

"Yes, Rarity, like Opal. Anyways—"

…?

"Is this a feudal what, Twilight?"

...

"Um, sure, I guess? There’s like, a princess, and stuff."

…?

"Um, Princess...Sun...Sky?"

…

"You can’t just talk to the Princess right away, Twilight. Nopony knows who Twinklewhirl the Unshaven is. You have to do the quest first!"

…

"Come on Fluttershy, you can’t just stay in the tavern because you’re scared. That would be boring."

"Anyways—"

…

"Again, Applejack? You already knocked out the thief in the tavern. There’s no bad ponies left to beat up!"

…

"Why would you attack the waitpony?"

…

"'In cahoots?' What does that even mean?"

…

"Ugh. Fine."

…

"22? You hit. The waitpony is knocked out."

…

"He’s fine, Fluttershy. There’s a healer in the middle of the city."

…?

"I don’t know what spells she has prepared, Twilight. You haven’t even met her yet."

…!?

"No Pinkie, they don’t sell cotton candy at the tavern."

"So this super cool mare was flying over Cantertop when, all of a sudden—"

...

"Ugh. What now, Rarity?"

…?

"We already went over this, Rarity! Her armor was silver! Like, normal silver!"

…

"Good. Are you happy now? Anyways, she was flying over the city when suddenly a giant red dragon started to—"

…

"Spike? When did you get here?"

…

"Fiiine. You can play, too, just wait until after we—"

…?

"No, you can’t play as the dragon, Spike. That would be, like, way overpowered. You can play a—"

…

"It doesn’t matter if there’s rules for playing non pony characters, Twilight. The dragon in this story is supposed to be the—"

…

"Ugh. Fine! If you roll higher than a 95 on the percent dice you can play as him, okay?"

…

"97!? No way! Let me see that!"

…

"Are you kidding me? Ugh, whatever. You all see the giant, red dragon Spike—"

…?

"I’m getting to that, Twilight! If everypony would just be quiet for a minute."

"You all see the giant red dragon—"

…

"What now, Fluttershy?"

…?

"Oh. Yeah. I’ll take some more soda."

…

*Gulp, gulp, gulp.*

"Ahhhh. So where was I? Ha, oh yeah."

"So the giant red dragon comes swooping down in on Cantertop and ponies are running and screaming in all directions—"

…?

"Well duh, Spike. You’re the evil dragon king. Of course everypony is going to be afraid of you."

…?

"A crown? Um, sure, I guess?"

…?

"Yes Spike, all the gems you could want."

…

"Cool. So anyways, you all see Dragon King Spike swooping down from the clouds, when suddenly, from above the castle, there’s a streak of rainbow that flashes across the sky! Wooosh!"

"It’s Knight Daring Dash, the most awesome knight in all of Equinia!"

…

"No Applejack, it’s not supposed to be me. She’s a totally different pony."

…

"Hey, you named your character “Japple Axe.” It’s the same thing."

…

"Challenge her to a race? She’s like 20^th level, Applejack."

…

"Ugh, okay. Daring Dash flies down from the skies and accepts your challenge. Give me an athlete roll."

…?

"What, Twilight? Magic? Uhh, I guess you can use it."

…

"Hoofsteps of the Wind? What does that do?"

…

"Wait, plus 10? No way!"

…

"Um, okay then. Daring Dash...has, um, a class feature that um, lets her roll a 20 once a day to—"

…!

"Wait, 32? How’d you get a 32, Applejack!?"

…

"Uhhh...she also has a faster base speed than normal ponies. You, um, tie."

…

"Hey! It’s not cheating! She has magical armor that—"

…?

"Why would she pay you if you tied, Applejack?"

…

"She doesn’t have time to go to the treasury. There’s a dragon attacking the city!"

…?

"Yes Rarity, there’s jewels and necklaces in the treasury."

…

"No, you can’t just walk in there and—"

…

"Even if Lady Maripone is a noble pony, you can’t just—"

…

"27? On a talk roll?"

…

"*Sigh.* The guardpony at the front gate lets you in. He says you can take just one item from the treasury."

…?

"Sure. It’s the biggest one they have."

…?

"Um, emeralds?"

…

"Fine. Diamonds."

…

"Okay, then. Anypony else have anything they wanted to do before we get back to the story?"

…!

"A bakeoff, Pinkie? The dragon king isn’t going to—"

…

"Spike, the dragon king is supposed to be evil! He wouldn’t just—"

…

"Fine. You two give me a job roll."

…?

"Modifier for the dragon king? Um...looks like...+4?"

…

"What’d you get, Pinkie Pie? 18? Okay. The dragon king gets a—a natural 1? Seriously, Spike?"

…

"Ugh. So you challenge the dragon king to a bakeoff but being a dragon, he—uh—accidentally burns his cake?"

…!?

"Yes Pinkie, Sprinklesnout the bard can eat the cake she just baked."

…

"A rematch? Seriously, Spike? You’re the dragon king! You could just—"

…

"Fine. Go ahead."

…

"A tie? Um. Okay. Let me look at the rules for—"

…

"A truce? Pinkie Pie, the dragon king isn’t going to—"

…

"Spike! You’re supposed to be—"

…

"Wait, what do you mean a peace treaty, Twilight? The dragons and Equinia have been fighting for hundreds of years! Only the princess can—"

…

"Royalty, Rarity? Where does it even give you that option?"

…

"Background three, long lost...seriously? Fine, whatever. You write a peace treaty and have the dragon king sign it. The war with Equinia is over. Happy?"

…

"She’s not going to race you again, Applejack."

…

"Why would the princess give you a reward? You didn’t even fight the dragon king!"

…

"Well, technically, yeah, but—"

…

"*Sigh.* Fine. You all go to the throne room where the princess gives you medals and bits. Equinia is saved once again."

…?

"Yes, Fluttershy, Mittens can have a medal."

…?

"*Sigh.* Yes, Spike, the dragon king can have one, too."

…

"Daring Dash? She, uh, flies off to do something else super cool."

…?

"I don’t know, like fight a hydra or something."

…?

"No, Rarity, you can’t move into the castle."

…?

"Yes, Twilight, you can go to the library and look for spells."

…?

"A level-up? Um, sure. Everypony is level 2 now."

…?

"Do dragons get levels? I...guess so?"

…

…

"*Sigh* Lets stop here for now. Waiting around for everypony to level up their characters is boring."

…

…?

…

"Cool. Same time next week?"

…?

…!!!

…

…?

…!

…

"Awesome!"

***

Comments

[Megabrick]

Loved it. Short and simple.

The Mane 6 really would be hard to DM for.

[Starlight Nova]

Are you ever going to write an Ogres & Oubliettes story where the main six role play villains?

[Mystic Sunrise]

11340754
If you want one, write it for yourself. Easier than just randomly asking in a comment 😒.

[lewd]

11340743

The Mane 6 really would be hard to DM for.

But it would be pretty fun to watch.

11340754

Are you ever going to write an Ogres & Oubliettes story where the main six role play villains?

Ha, an entertaining premise, for sure. No guarantees, but I'll keep that idea in my back pocket.

11340848

If you want one, write it for yourself. Easier than just randomly asking in a comment 😒.

Ah, never hurts. Worst an author can do is say no.

I'll take a "can you x?" inquiry over an empty comments section any day.

[Wild Stallion]

In cahoots? What does that even mean?

Apparently Applejack is a relative of John Jonah Jameson.

[CanterColt]

11341347

Apparently Applejack is a relative of John Jonah Jameson.

"I need pictures! Pictures of apple trees!"

[lewd]

11340754

Maybe not exactly what you were looking for, but I did post another little O&O inspired fic that your comment here got me thinking of.

(If you end up reading over it, hope you enjoy. )

[Starswirl the Beardless]

Twinklewhirl the Unshaven

I upvoted just for that. You took a bit of a risk with that formatting, but it really worked out well. You definitely managed to capture the tabletop experience in all of its annoying glory.

[lewd]

11362319

Figured it'd be fun to try something different. Glad you enjoyed it.