A Deal with the Cutie
Caution: This work of fiction contains syrupy, sweet, sugary elements which could possibly induce diabetic seizures. Even if you aren't diabetic, you may very well become so after reading it. In fact, it might be beneficial to skip this story completely if you want to preserve your health or maintain any semblance of a normal life. You have been warned...
Disclaimer: If owning "My Little Pony" is wrong, then I don't wanna be ri-
Uh, wait a minute...did that come out correctly?
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic - A Deal with the Cutie
The land of Equestria is commonly reputed as a place of prosperity and peace. But some of the residents of Ponyville might disagree due to the fact that a bout of stormy weather was in operation. While this had the potential to force a change in one's plans for the day, the pegasi who were conducting the elements knew that it was necessary.
At the Carousel Boutique, its pair of inhabitants were also contemplating the rain, which started in the middle of the afternoon and was stretching into the night.
The renowned fashionista Rarity looked out the window and sighed.
"A true tragedy. One sunny day's purity interrupted in order to host this...wet turn of events."
The unicorn turned to her younger sister, Sweetie Belle, who was tucked into bed.
"And you, darling...forced to cut your crusading activities short. Quite unfair."
"It's better than getting caught in the rain and catching a cold."
A crackle of thunder and a hiss of wind echoed across the sky, causing Rarity's eyes to glance out the window again.
"My word...I hope you'll be able to get some sleep with all that detestable noise abound."
"I'll be fine. It doesn't bother me that much. By the way, thanks for letting me stay over again."
"You're more than welcome, Sweetie. Despite the differences we've shared in the past, I do enjoy your company...even if I don't always adequately express it."
Rarity smiled warmly at her sibling and kissed her on the cheek.
"I dunno, you did a pretty good job just now."
The sisters giggled for a moment.
"Sweet dreams," she said before turning off the light and closing the door.
Rarity spent the next hour or so working hard on a trio of new dresses to sell. All the measuring, sewing, gem-attaching and double-checking was exhausting, but more often than not, her efforts usually proved to be worthwhile.
Finally putting the finishing touches on her endeavors, she proceeded to sit down and relax with a fashion magazine and a warm cup of tea, which was promptly levitated with her magic.
BOOM!!!
The teacup was almost dropped at the roar of more thunder. Rarity let out a sharp gasp at the sound and disapprovingly looked out the window once more.
"That accursed weather!" she hissed. "If it weren't for the fact that thi-"
The unicorn went silent as she spotted the silhouette of what seemed to be a stallion running through the nasty storm.
Rarity couldn't be sure, but her intuition was telling her that for some reason, the individual outside was not running for cover or shelter from the rain.
"Why in the world would anypony be outside right now!?"
Why indeed...
A dark, gloomy, stormy setting happens to be the perfect atmosphere for meetings and dealings of the unenviable variety.
The figure in the rain was traveling on a path leading to said destination. A select few knew him as Short Stick. He wasn't as tall, strong or fast as other guys his age...and if you were to take into account the direction he was heading (literally and figuratively) on this night, it could be assumed he wasn't the smartest, either.
True to his name, Short Stick's cutie mark matched up precisely. A thin, shrimpy Y-shaped twig certainly didn't stand out much, not to mention he had a sparse number of friends and wasn't very talented. He didn't even have a family to come home to every night. But those traits didn't worry him nearly as much as the current situation did.
Unintentionally, he had gotten himself into a bit of trouble some months back in Manehatten. Short Stick bore absolutely no ill will towards anypony, but his lackluster common sense and not so bright decisions only served to make an unfortunate predicament worse. The set of circumstances culminated into an act of desperation.
Unbeknownst to most ponies, there exists an incredible source of hidden power in Equestria. At present, it resides within Ponyville and a successful attempt to draw it out would have to stem from the most extraordinary means.
Its "legacy" (for lack of a more suitable word) only exists in myth. But ask anypony in the know and they'll tell you the same thing...
This power is undeniably evil.
Prior to this night, Short Stick tried to gather as much information as possible about this vague phenomenon, which isn't saying much. No records or documents appeared to be kept; there wasn't even a footnote in the most detailed of history books. Inquiries regarding its origin was useless, as well.
The increasingly concerned stallion concluded that the citizens of Ponyville either knew nothing or were keeping their lips sealed. However, that all changed when he was recommended to a mysterious zebra living deep in the Everfree Forest. The zebra had one hint of a lead; a rumor that lodging a multi-colored gem into the ground of a wide-open space on the first night of the new month would provide results. A dark blur would come and collect the jewel, leaving in its place a sealed envelope holding a letter with non-negotiable instructions of where and when to meet.
Such a task didn't seem to hold much credibility, but no other options presented themselves.
Three days later, he found himself charging through a storm, determined to meet his prospective ally.
Hence, a little caution was in order, and he kept reminding himself of that as he ran, not minding the cold raindrops endlessly pelting against his light brown coat. Thankfully, he got a chance to catch his breath upon arriving at the prearranged location; a creepy, dark back-alley.
Clichéd as it was, the alley still provided a perfect spot to make a deal without risk of being identified or exposed.
Short Stick checked his watch; he was definitely on time. His gut was telling him two things...
First, tardiness wouldn't be permitted. No sensible pony would ever allow it, but when you're dealing with an unknown character who mostly exists by word of mouth...you'll want to especially enforce your sense of punctuality.
Secondly, there was an extremely high probability that his contact...
"So, you've come."
...was already here.
Short Stick's sense of fear flared up in less than a sixth of a minute. His colleague (presumably another pony) stood in a huge shadow cast against a wall of one of the buildings. A black hooded cloak covered the entire body; the face couldn't even be seen. The dim environment also prevented the pony's height and body shape from being determined.
A low, gravelly, distorted voice emerged which some might imagine was not of this world. Short Stick had never heard anything like it before. It sounded male (sort of), but he wasn't exactly sure.
"The rumors were true! Y...you're for real...!" he stammered.
"Indeed I am."
"Listen, I...had...uh, that is to say-"
"Save the pleasantries. Let's get down to business."
The cloaked being held out a hoof.
"The fee."
"Oh, right..."
Short Stick reached into his saddlebag pulled out a pouch. The jingling sound it gave off indicated the obvious.
The pony opened the small sack and quietly checked its content, while the "client" bit his lower lip and nervously fidgeted.
"This is not a lot of money," the pony growled.
"Please, I...I don't have...much on me right now, but-"
"You're lying. Why don't you take a moment to pursue the truth? Honesty can sustain a pony's life span."
"Look, the amount in that bag is half of what we agreed on. You'll get the rest when it's all over."
"You'd better have it by then."
"I will...I promise."
Short Stick was shivering, both from the temperature and the ominous presence in the alley.
"Is something wrong?"
Mustering up as much courage as possible, he stood up straight and tried to explain himself as best he could.
"Your reputation precedes you, I'm sure. But I've never dealt with...anything like this until today! I had to follow a series of vague instructions through a multitude of connections just to find out how to get in touch with you! So...puh...please forgive me if I'm a little more than...um...dubious...about your abilities."
Ten solid seconds passed; some of the longest of his life. Until...
"Bold words...and wise ones."
Not surprisingly, this elicited an exhale of relief.
"In the interest of fairness, I'll give you a chance to turn around and abandon the solution you seek. It's not too late to back out. If you cancel the need for my services, there'd be no harm, no foul."
That monumental choice had weighed heavily on the stallion's mind. Even on his way to this meeting, every step he took constituted countless echoes of doubt in his head and it was time to finalize his decision.
"What will it be?"
The stranger drew something from within the cloak and held it out. Due to the blackness of the night, Short Stick couldn't make out what it was...until a flash of lightning occurred. It only lasted a fraction of a second, but that was long enough to illuminate the object.
It was a contract. One that took the unmistakable shape of a round, robust, red...
...apple.
"Uhh...I, er..."
The stallion glanced at it with a clear look of uncertainty. His associate knew Short Stick wasn't stalling, but that didn't mean his unsureness would be tolerated any better. The time to give his answer was now.
"Yes...or no?"
A huge gulp was the only sound he made before reaching out ever so slowly. Positioning the crimson fruit in front of his mouth, he took a deep breath, squeezed his eyes shut...and took a vicious bite.
Regrettably, the delicious, juicy taste couldn't salvage his already curtailed conscience.
Inside the cloak, the pony's mouth gradually curled into a sadistic, sickening grin as the struggled crunching of the food commenced. The bitten apple was given back as Short Stick discovered that he had to force the chewed pieces down his throat, prompting an even bigger gulp than the first.
"So let it be said, so let it be done. Your wish shall be granted."
Short Stick sadly sighed.
"Now...give me the location and time."
"Meet me the day after tomorrow, around noon. There's an open field...it's not too far from the Ponyville Schoolhouse..."
The enigmatic entity grinned again.
"You don't say..."
"Wow, am I hungry!"
A trio of fillies, known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, sat at a table outside of the school to eat their lunches. All three of their stomachs were rumbling, but the vocalization of hunger came from the pegasus Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle leaned over to see what her friend would be eating. Her face twisted in minor confusion as the brown paper bag revealed-
"Another peanut butter and banana sandwich?"
"Hey, they're not that bad once you get used to it!"
She wasted no more words and took a big satisfying munch.
The third pony, Apple Bloom, casually smiled as she ate from a bag of apple chips. She stopped mid-crunch as something far to her right caught her eye.
"What's up?" Sweetie asked, noticing her friend's look of distraction.
"Over there...y'see that?" she replied, gulping her food down.
Sweetie and Scootaloo looked where she was pointing and saw a pony in the distance pacing back and forth. He seemed to be anxious about something and repeatedly glanced at his watch.
"It's a stallion. So what?" asked Scootaloo.
"I saw him through the window during class. He's been hangin' around for like an hour now. Kinda weird, doncha think?"
Apple Bloom's friends looked at each other and shrugged.
"Maybe he's...waiting for somepony?" Sweetie suggested.
"Maaaaaybe..." Apple Bloom said hesitantly.
"Hey, as long he's not making trouble, it's cool," Scootaloo impatiently quipped. "Now...less talk, more eating!"
"Speakin' of which...where's your lunch, Sweetie Belle?"
A light bulb switched on in the girl's head, realizing her absent-mindedness.
"Ah, I forgot! I must've left it in the classroom! Be right back!"
Close friends as they were, their respective interests divided quite often. In this case, Scootaloo was enjoying her food, Sweetie was running back into the schoolhouse to retrieve hers, while Apple Bloom was continuing to observe the stallion, who was finally leaving the area at a fast pace.
The redhead's attention remained focused on the moving target until he finally disappeared from sight. Her narrowed eyes displayed an air of curiosity, suspicion and possibly...ill intent.
The immense downpour ceased two days ago, but for Short Stick it felt more like two minutes. A gentle, soothing breeze stroked the field of grass in front of him, but he knew it was merely the calm before another great storm.
"Princess Celestia, if you're watching...forgive my actions, for I know not what I do..."
"Somewhat late to repent, isn't it?"
He didn't turn around immediately. Despite only meeting once before, he'd already gotten used to the voice. The bright sun alleviated a sliver of the tension he was experiencing.
"Not too late, I hope."
"That remains to be seen."
Short Stick assumed the cloaked pony would look less threatening under direct sunlight and he was right...but he reminded himself that it was imperative to see this through to the end. Although one glaring detail caught his eye; this creature was noticeably shorter than him.
"Eradicate any lingering indecisiveness you possess. Time's up. I'm here..."
The tip of his hoof appeared from the cloak and pointed outward.
"...and so is your company."
Short Stick frowned as he watched seven stallions marching forward. They were tall, strong and most definitely looked untrustworthy. A couple of them were wearing earrings or other assorted jewelry, two of them were wearing ties and suits, and the one in the middle (obviously the leader) had a scar over his left eye.
His coat was white, and his mane was a grey with a streak of a lighter shade going through it. The cutie mark on his flank was that of a S-shaped link of chains. He came forward and stopped in the middle of the field. Short Stick did the same. The former stared with ice cold regard.
"Chain Snatch."
"Short Stick."
"I see you brought your buddies with you."
"I call them 'insurance'...just in case you tried to run away again."
"I ran away because you never stopped hounding me! Is your life so pathetic that you'd pursue me all the way to Ponyville!?"
"You crossed us, you cheated us...therefore, you owe us."
The mysterious pony watched from behind some bushes, waiting for Short Stick to summon him...
"I didn't cheat anypony! I've been telling you from the first day I met you, it was all a complete accident!"
"What you claim was an accident, I see as an insult! It's time to pay! One way...or another."
"You know I never owed you a cent! And even if I did, I'd never be able to come up with that much dough! This is extortion, plain and simple!
"Save it! You gonna cough up those bits or what?"
Short Stick sighed and ran a foreleg through his scruffy black mane. He'd speculated long ago that resolving this inevitable conflict via diplomacy was pointless, but there was no real harm in trying.
Now, the time for talk was over. Chain and his gang would surely stomp him into the ground...and that's if he was lucky.
No other viable alternatives were at his disposal anymore...except for his "secret weapon" that was ready to pounce. It then occurred to Short Stick that he had no idea what his uncanny ally was capable of doing.
Still...
"Here goes nothing..." he whispered.
"Got somethin' to stay, loser?" Chain Snatch snarled.
The stallion locked eyes with his. Now for the signal...
"Yes. Crazy as it sounds, I'm gonna fight back."
"Oh, really? How do y'plan to pull that off?"
"By having somepony else do it for me."
Short Stick turned towards the bushes and hollered.
"You can come out!"
The gang of seven witnessed the disguised pony emerge from hiding and approach them. Short Stick allowed his colleague to address the group.
"Your friend here is yesterday's news. I'm your problem now."
Chain Snatch and his buddies cackled loudly.
"THAT'S your saving grace!? The shrimp is even tinier than you! Is that weirdo voice supposed to scare me?"
"Who said anything about scaring?"
Short Stick was puzzled at such a question, and his curiosity amplified as his hooded companion gave him a pair of goggles and headphones.
"Put these on. And stand back."
"Why?"
"It's necessary. You'll be able to see and hear through them, but they're strong enough to filter out the harmful effects."
"Of what?"
"Me."
Short Stick half-anticipated something like this but did as he was told. Whatever was destined to happen, he was sure it wouldn't be pretty. Once the "safety gear" was securely in place, he stepped back towards the bushes.
"Are you ready?" the stranger asked.
"Just make it fast, punk!" Chain sneered. "G'head, dazzle us."
"Believe me...I will."
The pony firmly grabbed the black fabric and flung it off! The scenario seemed to play out in slow-motion as the covering went flying and landed softly on the ground. Suddenly a tremendous flash of white light permeated the field! The dastardly group had to turn away, lest their eyesight give out.
Short Stick's protective goggles worked perfectly, as he didn't feel any urge to close his peepers. What he saw, though...was beyond belief.
Since the beginning, he had wracked his brain regarding the identity of the "thing" under that dark hood. Now he had the answer...
It was a white unicorn, whose height implied one of young age. The matching mane and tail were curly, colored a pale shade of pink and purple, while the shape of the unveiled body was female.
Whoever it was, she had her head down, waiting for the light to lessen. Chain and the others were finally able to look at the little filly, who was gently clearing her throat.
Short Stick held his breath as the girl raised her head for all to see. What followed was a plagued set of words that would dislodge the equilibrium of one's brain functions...permanently.
"Hi, I'm Sweetie Belle! I really like your MANES!"
As expected, the headphones adequately shielded him...from the explosive, ear-splitting voice! What a glorious vision to behold! A fluid wave of simple words arranged in that particular order could move mountains! And that squeak! Empowering that last word to no end!
Sweetie Belle's lovely wide smile and her painfully adorable pale green eyes shined brightly, causing a plethora of sparkles to fly in every direction!
She was so captivating, so tantalizing, so...CUTE!
Thoroughly fascinated, Short Stick almost missed out on what else was happening. Thankfully, the headphones didn't completely block the screams coming from...Chain Snatch!?
"AHHHHHH!!!"
That bullying crook and his cohorts were on the ground, rolling back and forth in unmerciful, relentless agony!
"MY EYES...ARE STREAMING! LUNGS...BURNING!"
"NO...MORE...SPARKLES!"
"THE COLORS....THE COLORS ARE TRAPPING ME!"
"MY HEART'S EXPLODING! DON'T...DON'T STOP IT!"
"ENOUGH, ENOUGH...IT'S NOT ENOUGH!"
"I SEE...SUGAR...EVERYWHERE!"
"MOMMY, DADDY...CUTENESS! HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME!"
Short Stick couldn't decide whether to study these seven strange specimens or not. He was afraid to even touch them. The leader of this group was now a shadow of the individual he was three minutes ago. Sensing that the intensity of the attack was dying down, he slowly removed the insulating instruments from his head.
"Umm...Chain Snatch?"
"Mmmmuuuunn...heeeeeeiiii...aaaarrrrruuuummmph..."
That was all that got out of his throat, and it was doubtful anything coherent would be uttered. Sweetie Belle promptly trotted to his side.
"Oh...don't waste your breath on him, you dope!" she cheerfully pointed out.
Even though her identity was no longer concealed, the filly's attitude still creeped him out. She shook her head and sighed.
"He can't see or hear you anymore...none of them can. All they know now...is cuteness."
"What are you talking about!?"
"Cuteness has infected every fiber of their being, every molecule that makes up their body...it's become their only reason for living. They won't be bothering you again, though. After all...there's no cure."
"What...what have you done?"
Sweetie Belle put on an expression of deceiving innocence, but the calm atmosphere she was exuding made her face all the more eerie to witness. Her eyes looked so bright, yet...so guiltless...and hollow.
"I only did what you asked of me," she noted in a timid voice, shrugging.
"No...this isn't right! Accepting that offer was-"
"Your decision and yours alone. Sweet, little ol' me didn't do this...you did."
"How can you enable such a horrible deed and then casually walk away without blinking? You...you immoral monster! I was a fool to-"
"HEY! Don't take this out on me! You were the one in trouble and you were the one who sought me out to request my assistance! More importantly, don't take this young face of mine for granted! It's a stunning feature that I was born with, but it's not all sunshine, cupcakes, flowers, bunnies and rainbows, y'know!"
"But I-"
"The potency of my abilities was made crystal clear from the get-go! Maybe you should've taken more time to consider the consequences of your actions before crossing the line!"
"It's n-not...the...the way to-"
"Don't force my hoof unless you also wanna be transformed into one of those brainless, babbling blockheads! And don't think I'm not cute enough to do it! I'd expect a little gratitude, considering that what you saw today was a gift! Sir, cuteness is not a toy...yet, you've dared to underestimate its validity! It's like fire...mess around with it, and you'll get BURNED!"
Short Stick's eyes widened. The reality and severity of the situation was finally starting to sink in. He had involved and partnered himself with a source of fantastic power, the ghastly extent of which he was previously unaware.
"Let me put it another way," Sweetie said, with a voice now absolutely devoid of any youthful purity.
Sweetie Belle reached for her cloak and pulled out the apple Short Stick had taken a bite from. The stallion cringed as she placed it in front of him, since it served as a cruel reminder of his agreement.
"This is your brain."
Her foreleg shot downward with the intensity of a huge hammer. The impact completely demolished the red object. Short Stick briefly turned his head away as pieces flew in different directions. Sweetie raised her hoof off the dirt, revealing only a slushy, sticky mess where the fruit once was.
"This is your brain on cuteness."
He looked at the ugly wreck before him and then at the little filly, whose glare hadn't faltered in the slightest.
"Any questions?"
Short Stick froze in place. His new sense of remorse and guilt manifested itself in an erratic jitter that spread throughout his entire body.
"No, no...it wasn't supposed to end this way...!"
"Before our meeting in the alley that night, you had the luxury of time! You could've changed your mind at any moment and called it off! There wouldn't have been a penalty for that. But instead, you kept pushing forward! And in the end, you made your choice! Now you're gonna live with it!"
"I just wanted them off my back...I didn't want things to turn out like this...not like this..."
Realizing it was time to leave, Sweetie ignored the muttering and collected the goggles and headphones she'd lent to her client. She then swiftly put her cloak back on and pulled the hood over her head once more. Before departing, she rummaged through her associate's saddlebags and pulled out a pouch of gold coins identical to the one he'd given her previously. Verifying the number of bits inside (with unbelievable speed and accuracy), she hid the money in her cloak and walked off, never looking back.
Short Stick's enemies had been dealt with, and the stallion himself had slumped to the ground, forever racked with shame and regret over the horrible attrocity he'd unleashed on seven pour souls.
"Not like this...not like this...not like this..."
"Hey, guys!" chirped a familiar voice.
"Ugh...jeez, Sweetie!" Scootaloo complained. "It's almost time to get back to class! What happened, you got lost?"
"Not sure how, but I misplaced my lunch bag! Found it, though."
Sweetie Belle retook her seat at the table, pulled out a small container of potato salad and started to eat at top speed, wanting to make up for lost time.
"I realize we only have about four minutes until class, but ya ain't gotta wolf it all down like a rabid dragon, girl. Pace yourself!" Apple Bloom advised.
"Aw, I'm fine!" the unicorn managed to say, despite her constant chewing. "By the way, I have great news!"
"Let's hear it."
"I managed to scrounge up some money, so we can finally afford to put some real spit and polish on the clubhouse!"
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom jaws dropped simultaneously.
"WHAT!?" the pegasus shouted.
"Applejack said it'd take a huge chunk a' change for all the darn renovations and additions we wanted to make!"
"So...where'd you get the moolah? Have you been holding out on us? How many casinos have you been hanging out in? And why didn't you take us with you? We coulda gotten cutie marks in-"
"Easy there!" Sweetie protested. "I just took on a few quick jobs these past few months...and wonder of wonders, they paid really well!"
"A likely story!"
Sweetie Belle pulled what was often considered a dirty tactic; she whipped out a sad (but oh-so lovable) frown, sugarcoating it with the cutest pout she could muster.
"Why are you being so mean, Scootsy? I...I was only trying to help..." she timidly explained, letting out a fake sniffle.
Following five seconds of awkward silence, the other two Crusaders began laughing.
"Forget it, Scootaloo...nopony can stay mad at that pretty mug for long!" Apple Bloom noted.
"Yeah, yeah. As long as she has the money, that's what counts...I guess," she agreed. "Y'know, that cute face of yours is dangerous! Watch who you use it on!"
Upon hearing these words, her (false) expression of sadness reverted back to one of moderate cheerfulness.
"Oh, I do..." she coolly replied.
With the matter settled, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo left the table to throw away their trash. While their backs were turned, Sweetie Belle's eyes narrowed and her mouth curled into a sinister grin that whispered...
"I do."
And now, a Pony Service Announcement from the Partnership for a Cute-Safe Equestria...
Hi, I'm Sweetie Belle. Most of you know me as a member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders; our group's powers of dedication, endurance, and pure will are what grants us the strength to pursue a personal goal...our cutie marks.
However, that's not what I'm here to talk about. I want to discuss something much more important; there's a phenomenon that sweeps across Equestria, quite capable of leaving irreversible disaster in its wake.
It's an adversary that's existed since the beginning of time and continues to threaten life to this very day, lacing its toxicity through our peaceful society.
This enemy's name is...cuteness.
That's right. Cuteness is a very serious issue whose level of exquisite riches equal its dark interior. When conducted properly, it's a special magic that can open the gates of peace, love and optimism inside a pony's heart.
But when used improperly, it lets loose a horrific, grotesque beast of dominance, resulting in a severe case of cuteness abuse. This condition can cause incalculable damage to every aspect of a pony's life. Your mind becomes unhinged, and the physical effects are no less harmful. Before you know it, an alarming addiction will develop.
The dramatization you've just watched displays the extreme dangers of cuteness misuse and needlessly inflicting it on others. Nopony deserves to be brutalized in this manner and it's our job to eliminate the problem which will ravage our world if left neglected.
If you or somepony you know suffers from cuteness abuse, admit them into a treatment program. Be a true, true friend and get them the help they need. And if you're somepony who wields cuteness, you have a responsibility to use it safely and wisely for the benefit of those around you for the good of our beloved kingdom.
Representing the Partnership for a Cute-Safe Equestria, this is Sweetie Belle, telling everypony out there to take care of yourselves, as well as each other. And remember, if any shady characters offer you an unchecked or unprotected abundance of cuteness...
JUST SAY NO!
Thank you for listening.
But seriously, though...I really like your MANES!
LA FIN(?)
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- KitsuneRisu · 45k words · 334 10 · 3.6k views
- Solphestus · 3k words · 55 1 · 2.5k views
- Fictional Fanatic · 29k words · 782 41 · 16k views
- ferret · 182k words · 179 27 · 4.3k views
- ShadowWalking18 · 11k words · 35 3 · 1.4k views
- Fireing bow · 3.6k words · 56 10 · 1.4k views
- Lil Snowflake · 5k words · 90 6 · 1.8k views
- Dark Nightshade · 3.4k words · 23 4 · 1.3k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.092 seconds
Total duration
868 users online
578,106 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I liked this story, but it has some issues that I think detract from it quite a bit. The premise is funny and makes for a good punchline, but I just feel like it takes way too long to play out. I felt there was too much emphasis on your MC (despite this story not even having an OC tag) that was ultimately unnecessary. The awkward phrasing throughout was distracting as well. If this story were trimmed down a bit, I bet it could be pretty good.
11483239
Thanks so much for reading! Originally, the story WASN'T going to be this long, and I had also planned to split it into two chapters. (The first half would've cut off where the disguised Sweetie Belle was instructed to do her "job" near the school.) In hindsight, that might've been better, but the two chapters (at the time) felt just too short by themselves, and I didn't want to be an author who just quickly cranks out short chapters with lackluster work put into it. (I've seen that TOO many times.) And you're also right about the OC tag, it COMPLETELY slipped my mind (and has been fixed).
Sweetie's reveal was intended as one big joke, but I can see that the size of the punchline didn't match the amount of buildup. Over the years, I've done my best to improve, and I wanted to add more quality and care to my stories...but as you stated, I may have overcompensated, which resulted in the cost of thorough enjoyment. Unfortunately, I don't write as fast as I used to, so my general rule of thumb is for each chapter to be approximately 4,000-5,500 words each, then I end it there. (Or if it's a one-shot, it's the end of the entire story.) I apologize if that comes across as too long, but given the unpredictable amount of time it takes for me to finish a new chapter of a fanfic nowadays, I'd like to give a reader more than less.
Still, many thanks just for taking the time to check out my work! I've been typing up a new story (no original characters this time) involving Sweetie Belle and Shining Armor! Don't know when the first chapter will be posted, but I hope you and other readers will like it! Take care.
That was a good story.
11534227
Thanks for checking out the story! It was meant to be something of a parody of dramatizations for PSAs, and there's no doubt that Sweetie's cuteness is quite the lethal weapon! Hope you'll enjoy "Sweet Shining Love" as it progresses!