Inquisition

by Zemez

Changing Jobs.

The journey up the mountain wasn't pleasant for Dark Noir, his entire body had ached, his withers felt like they were on fire, and he was pretty sure he shouldn't have been walking on three of his four legs, so he walked on two of those three, the third wrapped over the withers of Light Blend.

When they got to the top, he let Light Blend go back to living her life, this time on an actual PEFR instead of the bastardization she somehow made putting the strands of a NEFR with what she had already invented. He had obviously asked where she got her hands on the Instructions for creating a Negative emotional Feedback Reaction, considering she shouldn't have even known what that was, let alone how to make one. All he got was that she only vaguely remembered being given it by a pony, but not what the pony looked like or sounded like.

He also turned in the hooflet to the guards, citing it as a dangerous magical artifact to be turned into the crown's custody. Paperwork about a fake pony being detained by fake guards in a fake cell in Canterlot was then created and distributed to be lost in the miasma that was bureaucracy. The papers got their questions answered and thankfully the journalists were delayed by the kingdom's "new" princess. Which was more important than some pony destroying property which was then all insured and rebuilt within a few days.

That was nearly a month ago. He was sure the crown- Crowns, were curious why he hadn't yet come to meet or interrogate Equestria's newest princess yet, and nor could they order him to come. S.M.I.L.E, while under the oversight of the ruling monarchs, the Rulers of Equestria actually had less say than the Director in how things were handled by the agency.

Dark Noir actually had almost full autonomy, with only a few contingencies that could be enacted by the princesses upon pre-approved situations.

He also had to wait for his injuries from his impromptu flight off the side of Canterlot to heal. Three broken ribs, a sprained wither, a simple fracture in three of his legs, and severe mana burn. Which was when the magic circuits in a pony, usually unicorns, but the other tribes have been known to get it, were overworked, usually signalled by severe whole-body numbness.

Tonight however, he was to take the measure of Luna, he remembered her as the princess of dreams and night, with her full title being Ruler of the Night, Mistress of Dreams, and Grand General.

He paused at that last one, Equestria hadn't had a standing army in hundreds of years. No book he would have read would have even a reference to that title. Compounded with his recent strange dreams of a while unicorn colt who was subpar at magic. He was starting to wonder what was wrong with him.

Those questions would have to wait however, the soundproofing enchantments were ready, and the moon would need to be lowered soon. He looked at the bed Luna was lying on, her standard colors of purple and black decorating the circular mattress.

"nyeeh..." Luna groaned tiredly, her eyes blinking, adjusting to the dark room. Her eyes passed over where dark was standing, before she got off the bed and walked over to the balcony. Her horn aglow with her cyan magic as the moon began to lower.

"Princess Luna." Dark began, before pausing as Luna jumped, the moon instantly dipping below the horizon. she turned around, her horn still aglow, but no spell came from it. As he hoped, Luna wouldn't think about dual-casting in the moment, and just tried to cast the spell to lower the moon on him. Well, as a pony, and not a Lunar body, he can safely say it didn't work.

"Who dost be in our quarters trying to sneak up on us?!" She shouted in what the royals called the royal canterlot voice. He could feel the enchantments strain, working hard to keep the sound contained in this room. Unfortunately, since he suspected that he wouldn't be strong enough for sound canceling enchantments, these enchantments merely redirected the sound. That meant the smaller diarch's voice was deafening in this room.

He expected that outcome since he was the one who placed those enchantments, and proper spells were in place to prevent hearing loss.

"Dark Noir, Director of S.M.I.L.E." he intoned, he had to give a brave front, while he doubted that the night diarch would actually attack him, if it actually came down to it, his meager magical reserves, enough to cast a full transfiguration spell once, should see him escape, but not much else.

"Thou art the knave who our sister has warned will come interrogate us?" She questioned, seemingly calming down. Good.

"Both connotations of knave in both past and present meanings of the word are insulting. I am not a colt, and neither am I servant to the now Diarchy... Nor am I a skulking thief." Dark noir added that last part as an afterthought. "I serve Equestria, for better or ilk."

"And we are the princess of Equestria, that doth mean we are Equestria." She shook her head.

"While still having a monarchy, now a diarchy, the nature of delegation Cel- Princess Celestia was forced to pursue in the hundreds of years past means that it is no longer an absolute monarchy. Celestial now delegates lawmaking and such to a form of legislative body. The quite startling fact is all three royals could disappear, and Equestria would continue on with no interruptions... After mourning you three of course." He nodded at the end of his off-hoof explanation. He could tell she bristled at the thought of Equestria moving on without her.

"Perhaps thou art right..." She deflated. He was glad. While other races may laugh at what ponies have coined as Pariah Syndrome, it was quite a dangerous thing for them. This was when a pony believed the entire 'herd', usually consisting of their friends, no longer paid attention to them. It eventually led to feelings of alienation, perceived social stigmatism, recklessness, and the worst cases ended with the pony ending it all.

However, he knew it doesn't just go away like that. He was sure Celestia hadn't been letting her sister out of her sights for too long, otherwise it would be worse than this. Ponies still feared her alter ego nightmare moon. If she went out there and was harshly rejected, she could absolutely revert back to being withdrawn.

"Yes, now for the actual reason I am here. Princess Luna, Ruler of Night, Mistress of Dreams, and Grand General of the now defunct Armies of Dusk, I hereby declare you fit for leadership and battle."

"Gleaming Sword, We hereby declare thou ready for leadership and battle."

Dark resisted shaking his head at the sense of deja vu.

"Finally, as a requirement of your station, you are now required... To make some friends." Dark finished suspensefully.

"Huh? Thou art requiring us to... Make with friendship?" He loved it when she made that confused face, her ears to the side as she lowered her head. Always made her look less like the near immortal alicorn she was, and just another pony.

"I would suggest beginning with your saviors, the Elements. Perhaps you should see about visiting them during the holiday that was started to reduce fear of your manifestation of loneliness." He nodded. "Yes, I believe that would be after this year's gala, which should be enough time to finish solving your language problem. Quite frankly, nopony talks in thees and thous anymore."

With that said, he took a step backwards as the darkness engulfed him-

---

-And deposited him at his desk. An Artifact which only the director of S.M.I.L.E had access to allowing instant teleportation to their office. Magical Artifacts were thusly named for their age or immense power, or sometimes merely by virtue of achieving an effect that nopony could reliably replicate.

He sighed into his hooves, as much as he was flattered his opinion of the ruling monarchs was wanted, the reality was he could do horse apples about it even if he deemed them unfit. Celestia was loved by all ponies as the mare who could do no wrong, Mi Amore Cadenza was barely even involved in the political maneuvers of her station, and despite what the press and terrified ponies actually said or thought to themselves, none of them actually saw Luna as an enemy.

This meant he couldn't use the same Matrix he used to save Light Blend. Which meant he was a regular middle age unicorn who could barely muster enough thaum to teleport, let alone defeat an alicorn. Drained of thaum, they still had the strength of earth ponies and the flight of pegasi.

Speaking of the Elements, Twilight Sparkle, the prodigious student of Celestia had settled down inside the town of Ponyville, where coincidentally the other Elements of harmony have lived for quite a while before the six mares found that they were chosen by one of the most powerful artifacts Equestria has ever known.

And he had to take a visit there. One of his agents was retiring, and it was one of his jobs as the director to relinquish the agent's vigil.

Field Agents weren't entirely just posted to a town and left there to observe for civil unrest, pony life was surprisingly civil. There would be an occasional hoof fight, but while all might not be forgiven at the end, no charges of assault would be filed. And S.M.I.L.E wasn't the secret guard either, S.M.I.L.E's job was to be the first line of defence against terrible threats to equestria after the Elements of Harmony would no longer respond to Celestia. With that in mind, agents were the first in line to discreetly deal with the situation, if discreet wasn't an option, they would blend in with the town, sending a message to CCC, and help the town in a method that wouldn't destroy their cover. If the situation was terrible, they would send agents from nearby towns to help either deal with the situation, or evacuate the town.

If the agent deemed it an extinction class scenario that nopony was prepared for, they would send for the director, who would use their power to unlock the vault, take any artifact they might and would need, before heading out to deal with the situation. This has only happened two times before, each one during a different director's term.

Regardless, because any threat that would come into the notice of S.M.I.L.E's field agents would be visible from at least a town away, Agents were allowed to terminate their vigil at any time given a sufficient reason, the director would then approve or deny this termination from their office. Only, he was visiting personally because this agent was taught by Dark himself.

The train ride down to Ponyville was uneventful, and Dark hoofed through a magazine to pass the time. He was less reading the magazine, and more thinking about how his job was going to be defunct soon. What he did when saving Light blend wasn't actually S.M.I.L.E's job, and was him taking a job from the guard because he felt like a petulant child being told by Celestia 'no, now shut up, the adults are scheming'.

There was no conceivable way all the perfect matches for the Elements of Harmony were just living in ponyville. This had to have been years in the making, one which had to be targeting his agency, but why?

The screeching of the train stopped his train of thought. The attendants motioned for those whose stop was ponyville to get off, Dark followed along.

He had cast the spell to disguise his cutiemark, or lack thereof, before he left the office. A fanciful bit of musical notes being carried along a breeze was what he decided. He wouldn't need an elaborate backstory, not for just dismissing an agent.

The door of the shop rang with the tiny tinkle of the bell as he opened it. The place was filled with all manner of sugary goods, and slightly filled with ponies enjoying them.

"I'd like a blueberry cupcake with no frosting, and lime colored sprinkles." He said when he approached the counter.

"Director?!" The mare across the counter gasped in surprise.

Dark chuckled. "Yes, Pinkie, it's me. Do you have enough time for a chat?"

The bubblegum mare's eyes went wide before yelling out. "Mrs Cake! New pony plan number 58!" Before she calmly bounced around the counter and began heading for the door, Dark in tow.

---

-and then she was like grrrr, you meanie, you've hurt my friends and we don't like meanies and she kicked him in the snoot!" Pinkie laughed. A mix between a guffah and a snort.

"An admiral lesson for the bearer of kindness, not only did she face her fears, but perhaps may have learned that being kind sometimes requires you to be mean." Dark nodded as he finished speaking. They had stopped over ponyville bridge, just outside of the surrounding buildings that made up ponyville.

"Pinkie pie-" Dark began before being interrupted by the mare beside him.

"Im serious about quitting director. While your lessons and the goal of the agency is great. I'm the element of laughter now. I imagine I'll be bringing it to all of equestria now. Not just ponyville." Her figure was no longer bouncing, although the bubbly voice still remained. Dark almost sighed.

"When you first wandered into the agency, do you know what the recruiter wrote in your report?" Dark began. "Impatient, hyperactive, unfit for training."

"You still proved them wrong."

The pink mares's ears drooped, her hoof grinding back and forth on the ground in a rare display of shyness. "Only because you knew how to get me to listen."

Dark chuckled. "You were the first pony since the fourth Director to choose the director as a mentor. It surprised me." He ended his sentence with a smile at the mare.

"Stop that."

A smile which immediately became a confused frown. "Stop what?"

"Stop smiling without smiling!" The mare bounced up from her spot, forcing her face into his, causing him to take a step back and crouch down slightly to avoid a head on head collision.

"Stop smiling like you don't mean it, like you have nothing to live for. I tried! Celestia knows I tried to get a smile, a real one out of you. But any time it feels like an icepick being rammed down my cutiemark!" Pinkie was nearly screaming that at the top of her lungs. The only reason she hadn't continued was that she took a deep breath.

"Pinkie, I-" dark began before the cotton candy mare once more shoved herself at him.

"No Dark, I need to know now, before im no longer your student, everything you taught me, from avoiding sightlines, to surprising others to help guide their emotional reactions! All of it works of everypony else but you!" The mare stopped at this point, dark could barely get a word in edgewise with the pink mare, and he was nearly about to tip over the edge of the bridge to the stream down below.

"Why are you hurting director?" The mare said with a note of finality, her eyes looking up at him instead of down at him, tears nearly in her eyes.

Dark turned around, putting a fetlock over the edge of the bridge before taking a breath. "I've done this job for decades pinky, I don't-"

"Seven years Dark." Pinky interrupted him.

"Huh?" He intoned as he turned his neck to look at her.

"The current S.M.I.L.E has only been in operation for seven years Dark. For Celestia's sake, you're only 34." The mare now seemed to be looking at him worriedly.

Was it only seven years? But Dark remembered it being longer, the Cutiepox disaster of Pinehoof was atleast 30 years ago, and he remembered personally stopping it.

Or did he? His head hurt, trying to reconcile his childhood home, that of an upper canterlot household, and the image of Pinehoof, it's streets covered in panicking ponies.

"Dark... You need a vacation." Pinky said, back to her normal pace, sugar crazed. "Oo, oo, I bet Manehattan would be great! We're also sending a tree to Apploosa with applejack soon GASP, you could come on vacation with us!" The mare was ecstatic with energy, which only made Darks headache worse.

"Pinkie-"

"Or you could probably use your fancy unicorn spells you're always going on about to visit Cloudsdale! I bet you could spend some time with the Wonderbolts with your clout, which would make Rainbow-"

"PINKIE-"

"MaybewecouldgetalltheelementstogetherandsendyoutothemoonbutnotaslongasLunabecauseathousandyearsistoolongforavacationand-"

"PINKIE!" Dark finally shouted over her more and more implausible vacationing plans for him. The mare froze mid bounce, not because of any outwards acting force, but just sheer pinkie. And probably a little unconscious thaumic phenomenon, but he wasn't a researcher and didn't care so much how it was possible.

"As much as I would like to go on vacation. There is too much work to be done as the director."

"Like what?" The bouncy mare asked seriously.

"Like-" Dark paused, S.M.I.L.E,s job was just made redundant be the Element's return, and thus the director's job. Sure the elements couldn't be everywhere at once, but that only gave the agents work. His job was to deal with problems the Element bearers would now be solving.

"Like... Uh, organizing paperwork, writing up contingencies, organizing artifacts..." He said, trying to look anywhere but her eyes.

Fat chance of that, as she shoved her face into his once more, keeping several long seconds of unblinking eye contact. "Okay!"

The mare moved away from him, her face smiling once more.

"But do at least try to get a break sometime Dark. The Director isn't unkillable, unaging sure, but not unkillable." Dark wasn't even going to ask how she knew that the directors didn't age. For all he knew with his current memory problems, he told her that.

"Alright." He could at least agree to try, not that he would. Too much hadn't been adding up for him since he saved Light Blend, and breaks just meant less time figuring it out.

"So... You going to erase my memory now?" Pinkie cheerily said, startling Dark out of his thoughts as he looked aghast at the mare.

"W-what? No- neve- just no Pinkie. We don't erase ponies' memory! Not counting how many laws that breaks, nor the moral implications, S.M.I.L.E isn't exactly a secret agency, it's impossible for something like that to exist! Agents need to get paid, bits leaves a trail, and a trail leaves evidence. We're a secretive agency."

"Oh..." Pinkie deflated and Dark felt bad for his outburst, most field agents barely knew there was a headquarters for S.M.I.L.E, let alone how it was run. And he hadn't exactly trained the current Element of laughter to be more than a field agent. Just being the student of the director doesnt mean she was privy to all the inner workings.

Dark sighed. "I'm sorry Pinkie. One last thing before I go. Keep an eye out for anything Ce- Princess Celestia related. She and the agency arent exactly on the best of terms currently, and i have no idea what we've done to have her be annoyed at us."

"Okey-dokey darkiokey!" She nodded, the two of them said their goodbyes. She went back to Sugarcube Corner, the bakery they had started their walk at. Dark had gotten the next train to Canterlot. He looked out the window at the architectural feat of engineering and magic suspended on the side of the mountain.

'This sight is supposed to be majestic, but why does it fill me with nothing but dread?'