When RainbowDash is at a Wonder Bolts performance and the sky turns a mistirious black concealing all of Equestria in darkness, what will happen?
Chapters (5)
RainbowdashXSkywind
Joined 7th Sep, 2012 ·
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....And my counter for this story picture goes up!
1326384 You beat me to it.
You need an editor. Hire me.
Hire me now. Hire me now! Hire Me Now! HIRE ME NOW! HIRE ME NOW, DAMMIT, NOW!
Honestly, you need an editor.
Few comments i can say without even reading the story.
1: 3 chapters all less than 1000 words- that really isn't appealing and it makes most readers stop immediately
2: Description, though it gets people attention, does not tell us much about the story- this is misleading and will ultimately get you the dreaded thumb down
3- GOD DAMNIT HER NAME IS RAINBOW DASH!!!!!!!- Its two words alright? got it? thank you
~chu
As Rainbow Dash awoke that morning, the sun was shining brightly. She had not a care in the world, as she happily trotted outside to the train station. She sat excitedly, waiting for the train to Canterlot, where she would go to see the Wonderbolts perform. The train pulled up slowly and Rainbow leaped on after handing over her ticket. The train took off through the morning air, going faster than normal, as they where already behind schedule. Rainbow sat there for what seemed like forever. Finally the train arrived at Canterlot. She immediately went to the place the performance was to be held, zipping to a front row seat, before some other pony could take it. She looked up as little gray clouds started to appear.
''Well, I hope it doesn't rain, that'll just ruin the whole thing!" she said.
She looked back down to the stage to find a stunning Soarin' staring at her. She blushed and looked away, as he did the same. The Wonderbolts were right there in front of her, when everything went terribly wrong. As Spitfire flew by, it seemed as if the sun flickered off, because everything suddenly went dark. Soarin crashed into a wall, not being able to see. Rainbow zoomed over to him, in concern .
''Soarin' are you alright?'' She asked worriedly.
He nodded his head dizzily. His sight focused on Rainbow as it adjusted to the darkness. Rainbow sighed with relief, as she helped him up. She turned, finding an angry changeling queen in front of her.
"Since you ruined my wedding, you will pay!'' screeched the changeling happily, as she grabbed Spitfire and disappeared.
A portal opened, sucking everypony in except for Soarin and Rainbow, who clung tightly to each other as well as the stage. Nothing was heard until...
''Ahh!'' Rainbow and Soarin' covered their ears, letting go of each other, as the screams of everypony rang out through all of Canterlot.
When it stopped slowly, they looked at each other, shock and fear written on their faces...
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 2
This story seems to have no structure to it and is simply written like an outline would be. You need to expand massively and create a work of literature as opposed to this. Sorry to be harsh but unless you make changes and actually write something worth reading, you won't get far here.
#1 You need an editor.
#2 It's not long enough at all. A chapter should at least be 1,000 words. A good one is usually around 5,000 give or take.
#3 You seem to be mashing up random thoughts. Take your time. DETAILS. Without them you will go nowhere.
#4 Read some stories that are massively popular and well written first. Learn from them! Within and Without is a long one for example. Rainbow in the Dark by Scriptscrolls is an example of a short success being 8000 words, referring due to the name of yours.
#5 Take your story seriously and make a description that has correct grammar and isn't misleading.
#6 Join a small group where you get feedback on your story from a band of dedicated readers and writers.
Don't stop writing, but you have to improve significantly if you want likes and better attention. PM me or reply if you want any more advice.
The Duck is out!
CHAPTER 2
Soarin looked at Rainbow, confused.
"Heh heh, well...uh...you see, it's a funny story..." she stammered.
He put a hoof over her mouth.
"I don't want to hear it. We've just gotta find a way to save every one, got it?" he asked.
She nodded as he removed his hoof.
"Come on, let's go to Ponyville, maybe somepony is there?" she asked.
He nodded in agreement, as they stood up.
"I guess we have to fly all the way," she said, sighing.
Soarin looked over, he saw Shining Armor and tapped Rainbow on the shoulder with a hoof.
"What is it, Soarin?" she asked.
He motioned towards where Shining Armor was standing. Rainbow flew over to him, Soarin not far behind her.
"Oh, Shining Armor, you have to help us! Please! We have no idea where everypony has been taken, we need more of us, but we need to stick together! Please help us!" she begged.
She looked at him, desperation in her eyes, and he smiled.
"Of course, I'll help you and Soarin" he said.
As rainbow turned back to Soarin, to explain who Shining Armor was, Shining Armor's eyes glowed a fierce green as he smiled evilly.
Rainbow smiled, as she and Soarin trotted over to Shining Armor, his eyes changed back to blue.
"Since you can't fly, Soarin and I have decided we're gonna walk with you, all the way to Ponyville and after that to Zecora's place in the Everfree forest. I'm sure she's still there, she's one tough cookie,"she said.
She smiled and started walking as Soarin looked at Shining Armor closely. Seeing a glint of bright green in his eyes, he jumped and ran to Rainbow as Shining Armor trotted up the rear. Soarin looked back at Shining Armor, then got closer to Rainbow.
"I think Shining Armor isn't really Shining Armor" he whispered.
She looked at him and said, "Huh?"
He looked back again, to make sure Shining Armor wasn't listening.
''I think he's a changeling..." he said nervously.
She laughed a little and rolled her eyes.
"And I think that the darkness is making you hallucinate. I mean, seriously, you saw that portal too. Only ponies went in, nothing came out," she said.
He lowered his head a little, thinking, 'I guess she's right. After all nothing could've come out of the portal, it was sucking in.'
He smiled and lifted his head again.
"Yeah, pretty stupid. I guess you're right..." he said.
"Right about what?" asked Shining Armor, suddenly right beside him.
"Oh, it's nothing, just that I'm really tired. Ya know, beat," he said.
Rainbow pointed towards the horizon.
"Hey look, we're coming up on Ponyville!" she said, grinning. The grin dematerialized as Ponyville came into full view.
"No...!" she yelled, looking at her old home, now completely destroyed.
She ran down the hill in search of her friends.
"Applejack!? Rarity!? Pinkie!? Where are you guys!?" she cried.
She burst through what remained of Twilight's door.
"Twilight?" she asked, as she walked into the library.
A blue tear slipped down her cheek as she realized her friends were gone. Soarin and Shining Armor came up behind her and each put a comforting hoof on one of her shoulders.
CHAPTER THREE!
Soarin looked at Shining Armor for help. He thought Shining Armor might be better at consoling Rainbow than he would be, considering the fact that he had lost Twilight too. Shining armor nodded and looked at Rainbow.
"Oh, don't worry, Rainbow. You'll be together soon enough..." he said, grinning evilly.
He walked outside, through the ashy rubble of Twilight's library. His eyes grew green as he walked toward the edge of the Everfree Forest.
He saw the horrible queen of the changelings in front of her, his mother.
"Mother...I-I'm sorry...but I don't think I can do this to her..." he said, glancing back at Rainbow sympathetically.
"Don't be such an idiot! You will do as I ordered!" she said, smacking her hard across the muzzle, knocking him backwards. An angry red line appeared across his face.
"But-but she's just so sincere...she actually thinks I'm going to help her...I can't hurt somepony that naive!" he said.
"Shut up!" she yelled, "You will lead to the Royal Castle of The Two Pony Sisters in the Everfree Forest. I will take care of the rest!"
She smirked, as she disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. Shining Armor sighed, his eyes putting on their guise of blue.
"I just don't think I can!" he said sadly.
Facing his fate, he stood and walked back to Rainbow and Soarin, putting on a fake smile and letting a fake tear leak from his eyes.
"Look...I think we should get away from here, we don't need to be reminded of their deaths..." he said, wiping away his fake tears.
Rainbow Dash nodded and stood up. Soarin and Shining walked with her, disappearing into the Everfree.
Now that that's done:
1) If you really care about this story, you need to clean it up a bit. Bad grammar and no caps isn't good.
2) Get an editor. I'd be happy to!
3) Keep writing!
you trollin?
(One read later.)
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090110174024/deadspace/images/6/6c/Matthius_death_dsdownfall.jpg
ME!
1327021
^This.
1327734
^And this.
1326936i know but i need to shorten everything if i can i dont have a whole lot of time in comp tech to write...
oh im soterribly sorry you have all the time in the world but i dont i rush at school sorry
pm me your email and ill try emailing them to you if you would like to be my editor sorry about all that its just i dont have much time
OH I'M FREAKING SORRY
THAT I'M LIMITED ON TIME AND YOU HAVE TIME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LITTLEST THINGS IN A STORY !!!
,
sincerly
RainbowdashXSkywind
OH I'M FREAKING SORRY
THAT I'M LIMITED ON TIME AND YOU HAVE TIME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LITTLEST THINGS IN A STORY !!!
,
1327021
sincerly
RainbowdashXSkywind
Beat you to what exactly?????? This story? I've had this idea for a long time and thought this would be the perfect place to post it I'm sorry .... I'll try not to do it again????
I love this story!
but its really really sad.
Wait a second... Rainbows friends are dead? Or are they just missing?