Soarin looked at shining armor for help as he has never had any siblings but shining armor has.Shining armor nodded and looked at rainbow.''youll all be toghether again soon enough dont cry''shining armor smiled evily and walked outside through the rubble of twilights library and let his eyes grow green as he walked to the edge of the everfree forest when he looked back soarin was trying to comfort rainbow.''your doing a terrible job my son you must hurry''he turned back to find his mother the horrible changling queen staring down at him..''i i im sorry mother but i dont think i can do this to her ..''he looked back at rainbow sympathically then back to his mother.''yes you can stop being so stupid''she smacked him across the face with a sturdy hoof making him fall back from the force of the blow''but but im not like you i think i think i might..''he trailed off.''silence!''she roared.''you will lead them to the sisters old castle in the everfree forest i will take it from there ''she smirked as she dissapeared in a cloud of black smoke . shining armor sighed his eyes turning blue''i cant i just cant''he stood and walked back to rainbow and soarin putting on a smile''commom lets go see if zakora is still in the everfree forest alright?''Rainbow nodded as soarin helped her stand up shining armor dried her tears and soarin and shining armor walked with rainbow towards the everfree forest.[sorry about cutting this off b4 most of my free time is at school in comp. tech i try though ;) )
....And my counter for this story picture goes up!
1326384 You beat me to it.
You need an editor. Hire me.
Hire me now. Hire me now! Hire Me Now! HIRE ME NOW! HIRE ME NOW, DAMMIT, NOW!
Honestly, you need an editor.
Few comments i can say without even reading the story.
1: 3 chapters all less than 1000 words- that really isn't appealing and it makes most readers stop immediately
2: Description, though it gets people attention, does not tell us much about the story- this is misleading and will ultimately get you the dreaded thumb down
3- GOD DAMNIT HER NAME IS RAINBOW DASH!!!!!!!- Its two words alright? got it? thank you
~chu
This story seems to have no structure to it and is simply written like an outline would be. You need to expand massively and create a work of literature as opposed to this. Sorry to be harsh but unless you make changes and actually write something worth reading, you won't get far here.
#1 You need an editor.
#2 It's not long enough at all. A chapter should at least be 1,000 words. A good one is usually around 5,000 give or take.
#3 You seem to be mashing up random thoughts. Take your time. DETAILS. Without them you will go nowhere.
#4 Read some stories that are massively popular and well written first. Learn from them! Within and Without is a long one for example. Rainbow in the Dark by Scriptscrolls is an example of a short success being 8000 words, referring due to the name of yours.
#5 Take your story seriously and make a description that has correct grammar and isn't misleading.
#6 Join a small group where you get feedback on your story from a band of dedicated readers and writers.
Don't stop writing, but you have to improve significantly if you want likes and better attention. PM me or reply if you want any more advice.
The Duck is out!
CHAPTER THREE!
Soarin looked at Shining Armor for help. He thought Shining Armor might be better at consoling Rainbow than he would be, considering the fact that he had lost Twilight too. Shining armor nodded and looked at Rainbow.
"Oh, don't worry, Rainbow. You'll be together soon enough..." he said, grinning evilly.
He walked outside, through the ashy rubble of Twilight's library. His eyes grew green as he walked toward the edge of the Everfree Forest.
He saw the horrible queen of the changelings in front of her, his mother.
"Mother...I-I'm sorry...but I don't think I can do this to her..." he said, glancing back at Rainbow sympathetically.
"Don't be such an idiot! You will do as I ordered!" she said, smacking her hard across the muzzle, knocking him backwards. An angry red line appeared across his face.
"But-but she's just so sincere...she actually thinks I'm going to help her...I can't hurt somepony that naive!" he said.
"Shut up!" she yelled, "You will lead to the Royal Castle of The Two Pony Sisters in the Everfree Forest. I will take care of the rest!"
She smirked, as she disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. Shining Armor sighed, his eyes putting on their guise of blue.
"I just don't think I can!" he said sadly.
Facing his fate, he stood and walked back to Rainbow and Soarin, putting on a fake smile and letting a fake tear leak from his eyes.
"Look...I think we should get away from here, we don't need to be reminded of their deaths..." he said, wiping away his fake tears.
Rainbow Dash nodded and stood up. Soarin and Shining walked with her, disappearing into the Everfree.
Now that that's done:
1) If you really care about this story, you need to clean it up a bit. Bad grammar and no caps isn't good.
2) Get an editor. I'd be happy to!
3) Keep writing!
(One read later.)
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090110174024/deadspace/images/6/6c/Matthius_death_dsdownfall.jpg
ME!
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^This.
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^And this.
1326936i know but i need to shorten everything if i can i dont have a whole lot of time in comp tech to write...
oh im soterribly sorry you have all the time in the world but i dont i rush at school sorry
pm me your email and ill try emailing them to you if you would like to be my editor sorry about all that its just i dont have much time