Tales of Ulluria

by Walroose

Migration to a New Land

~840,000 BCE

The sun shined brightly onto Xena's face, causing her to quickly jolt out of her slumber. The sudden heat on her scalp instilled a sense of fear, and she surveyed the area around her, checking for any hostile creatures that could be lurking nearby, waiting for a chance to strike at her family.

What she saw was no different from usual. The landscape was made up entirely of clouds, with rolling hills of that familiar soft, fluffy vapor. Xena was a pegasus, of course. She and her tribe lived high in the atmosphere, where they would be most safe from predators down below. But there was one significant threat that still haunted them.

Dragons.

It seemed that every week, there was another attack. The ferocious fiends were never content with the food on the surface, so they took to the clouds for a bite to eat. Occasionally, they got that bite, and Xena's tribe suffered a fair few casualties because of it.

She reflected back on all the friends and family she's lost, with a tear in her eye. And now look at me, she thought to herself, I can't even feel a ray of sunlight without getting afraid.

Xena wanted to leave for a while now. The world was too dangerous, there certainly had to be a better place to live. They can't live in the clouds forever. They're being picked off, one by one. The safest option for Xena's tribe would be to move north. It's far too cold for the dragons over there. But there's no food; the north pole is made entirely of shifting glaciers, with no farmable land, and not nearly enough aquatic life close to the surface to use as a diet.

But then, Xena was struck with a realization. Might it be possible that the south pole could have what she and her tribe needs? It would be the ultimate gamble. She didn't even know if it was cold there like it is in the north, let alone if it contained any land.

Before she could think on it further, Xena heard a chilling roar. She jumped to her hooves and looked behind her, terrified to learn the roar belonged to exactly who she thought it did. A massive, hulking dragon loomed in the distance, blowing red-hot flames out of its nostrils, ready to dart in her direction at any moment.

"Everyone, get up," Xena shouted, "We have to leave!"

She blew the horn around her neck, signaling to everyone it was time to move. She took a quick glance at the sun; it was morning, so it would be toward the east. She briefly considered turning left, toward the north; but another roar from the threatening dragon changed her mind. She had no idea if the south pole would be any better, but it was a gamble she was willing to bet her life on.

"Follow me!"

With a flap of her wings and a gust of the wind, Xena rocketed up into the skies with incredible speed. She knew the dragon was too heavy for its wings to be able to keep it aloft in such thin air. Her tribe followed suit, with a velocity that was just as quick. These ponies had evaded dragons many times before, and they had the flight skills to show for it.

But it wasn't that easy. If it was just as simple as out-maneuvering them, the pegasi could easily get away from any creature as slow as a giant dragon. An enormous plume of fire erupted in the direction of the tribe, searing the wing of Xena's sister, Tyra.

"H-he got me!!" exclaimed Tyra, gasping in pain as she tried to put the flames out. She started to drop in altitude, and would become breakfast for the reptilian raider if Xena didn't do something, and quick.

"Help her out, now!" commanded Xena to her tribe, quickly darting in to assist. With the help of three pegasi, including Xena herself, Tyra was swooped out of harm's way, and they shot up into the clouds. It wasn't long before they started to gain distance from the predator, but they still had to be mindful of its incendiary beams. Another breath of fire popped into Xena's view, and she quickly spun around with expertise, narrowly avoiding the searing hot flames.

The air was getting far too thin now; even for a pegasus. The atmosphere wasn't so thin that they couldn't fly, but it was taking a toll on their ability to breathe. Xena looked down, desperately hoping the dragon had given up; and to her relief, it had. With one last chilling roar, it dipped below the clouds, deciding to look elsewhere for its morning meal.

The ponies flew back down to a safe height, resting Tyra on a small cloud. Iora, Xena's mother, always had her medicine prepared, and approached the wounded pegasus, who was gasping in pain.

"Relax, sweetie," Iora whispered to her daughter. "You're safe now." She brought the medicine to Tyra's muzzle, gently holding her head up. It was an herbal mixture, designed to alleviate pains. Tyra graciously accepted the mixture, and after a few moments, her breathing returned to normal.

"We're going to the south pole," Xena interjected. "I don't know what's there. I don't even know if anything IS there. But I have a feeling that, just like the north, it's cold down there. Too cold for the dragons. And hopefully there's land too."

"A-are you sure?" Iora inquired, a fearful expression on her face. "If you're wrong, we'll have nowhere else to go. And you have no reason to think it's cold down there! Just because the north is cold doesn't mean the south is cold too."

"Maybe it does," Xena answered, pointing to the skies. "Look at the sun. It rises in the east, and sets in the west. We already know our planet is a ball; we've flown high enough to see the curvature of our world. If the sun is only warming the middle parts, then the top and bottom, the north and south, would be the coldest parts. I could be wrong, but, I think it's worth a try."

Iora thought for a moment, and then nodded in agreement. "You always were the smartest pony in the tribe," she said with a smile. "I hope you're right. Let's go."

Xena and Iora lifted Tyra back up into her hooves, and examined the condition of her wing. She would definitely need to be carried; there were simply too many feathers that burned up in the fire. Xena called over the same two pegasi, and the three of them lifted Tyra. With a flap of their wings, they set forth, hoping to discover their new home.

One Month Later

She could feel it.

The air was definitely getting colder. Much, much colder. It seems Xena was right; just like the north pole, the south pole was an arctic. Now, she just had to hope there was land. She took a glance back at the rest of her tribe members; they all seemed very tired.

"Come on," Xena said to them, "Let's take a rest on the clouds."

The pegasi were all too eager to take a breather. They were flapping their feathery wings for hours on end; a break would be much helpful to them. Soaring up into the skies, the group located a fluffy cloud, laying themselves down and getting ready for a nap.

Minutes later, Iora and Xena were the only ones awake. They sat down together, looking up at the stars.

"Tyra's doing much better," Iora spoke. "It looks like all her feathers grew back. She'll have to live with the scar, but she's okay."

Xena nodded, turning her head to view her sister. Tyra had been flying on her own without any help for the past week, and for the most part, she seemed back to normal.

Iora continued. "So anyways... the air's been getting colder. It seems you were right about the south being chilly as well. But we haven't seen any land.. and I don't know how much further south we can go before we're at the pole."

That exact thought was running through Xena's mind for the past several days. She was fairly certain the climate would fit their needs; but if there's no land, it wouldn't matter. She turned toward the south, desperately hoping to see something. Anything.

And then... something caught her eye.

"Hey," she said, "Do you see that?"

She pointed her hoof toward a jagged shape on the horizon.

"Looks like a big wave," her mother responded.

"Yeah, it looks like a wave," she explained, "But look closer. It's not moving."

Iora leaned in and squinted to get a better look. She then stood herself up, her face starting to light up with hope. "You're right," she said in surprise, "I.. I think that's land!"

Xena blew her horn with excitement, calling all the ponies to wake up. "Come on, on your hooves! Let's move!"

Tyra grumbled and rubbed her eyes, reluctantly returning herself to an upright position. "But we just started sleeping!" she complained.

"Daelus," Xena called to one of the stallion pegasi, "You're the fastest flyer out of all of us. I want you to go back, and notify all the other tribes of pegasi."

"Notify them of what? What's going on??" Daelus exclaimed in confusion. Xena just stared back at him with a beaming smile.

"Tell them we found land."

With a flap of their feathers, the ponies were off. Daelus ventured off back north, while the rest went to explore the curious jagged shape. As they approached it, it soon confirmed what they were all hoping; it was, indeed, a large body of land. No.. not just large. A huge body of land. A massive tundra that spanned for miles, transitioning into a field of snow that stretched for as far as the eye could see. Sheets of ice surrounded the coastline, and there were few trees which dotted the frozen landscape. Looking down, Xena saw movement; and upon closer inspection, she found that it was a school of fish. The water surrounding this rocky surface was teeming with aquatic life. And as the pegasi got closer and closer, it became more apparent just how enormous this area was.

This wasn't an island. This was a continent.

Xena touched down to the ground, feeling the rough texture of the frozen soil beneath her hooves. The other ponies did the same, marveling at the massive area in front of them.

"We sure are lucky we already lived in the sky, where the air is cold," said Iora, "I can't imagine what it must be like to be here as an earthpony or a unicorn!"

Xena chuckled and nodded, turning toward the sea. She gazed at the fish in awe, circling around the formations of ice. She approached the water, leaning down; and dipped her hoof into the ocean.

"A-ah!! Dras!"

"Xena!" Iora called, "Watch your language! What's the matter!?" The concerned mother hurried quickly, soon at Xena's side, examining her daughter's pained hoof.

"T-the water," Xena answered, "It's so cold!" She shook her hoof off, doing her best to get rid of the stinging pain. "We're definitely going to need to make tools if we intend to eat these fish." She glanced around, looking for any materials she could spot. Her eye stopped on a tree; it was one of the very few trees out there, but it had branches, leaves, and most importantly, sap.

Xena jumped back up onto her hooves, making it to the tree in no time. She broke off a few branches, rubbing sap on them to keep the bundle of sticks together. She grabbed a rock with her wing and pounded the sticks together, then used the rock to sharpen the tip of the rod. Afterwards, she plucked as many leaves off the branches as she could, and started weaving them together, creating a makeshift rope.

Iora saw was Xena was crafting, and quickly rushed to help. "Everypony, come!" she called to the rest of the group, "It's time to make ourselves some tools!"

Within the hour, the ponies had assembled an arsenal of harpoons, with leaf-made ropes tied to the back ends. Xena grabbed her harpoon with her right wing, holding the end of the rope with her other. Approaching the water's edge, she prepared to throw; and with pinpoint accuracy and deadly force, she hurled the rod into the water, driving itself straight through the flesh of an unsuspecting fish. Xena tugged on the rope that she held in her left wing, reeling the fish in as all its aquatic friends scattered in fear.

Back at the tree, Iora gathered a small nest of tinder. The leaves were too wet to use for a fire, so she'd have to do without them; but the bark of the tree was, surprisingly, just dry enough, so she peeled off a piece and put it with the tinder. She placed a stick between her hooves, pressed it into bark, and spun; and a little time later, a spark emerged, and the bark was set aflame.

One-by-one, all the other ponies came back to the fire, each with their own freshly caught dinner. They grabbed some other sticks to use as makeshift pikes and forced them into the ground around the open flame, using them to skewer and cook the fish.

Tyra decided to break the silence. "Well, we made it, sis, you were right!" she exclaimed with a smile. Xena smiled back, only just now reflecting back on how lucky she is to be right. If she was wrong, either about the climate or about the land, the ponies would be far from any civilization, and without much energy or food to make it back.

"What are we naming this place?" Tyra continued.

"Well," Xena answered, "Our ancestors named our tribe after the ancient God of Snow, fabled to come from another world, far, far away. We're called the Ullen tribe, because we lived far up in the sky, where the air is cold and the clouds look like fluffy snow. But, now that we live in the actual snow, I can't imagine there would be a better way to name this place, than to also name it after that same God of Snow."

"So, what are you proposing?" Xena's mother questioned.

She pondered for a moment, before coming to an answer.

"How about... Ulluria."

Author's Note:

Thanks for reading! It's been a while since I flexed my creative writing muscles for a long story, so I am a little rusty. But once I get back into the swing of things, I'll hopefully get much better! I really hope you enjoyed; next chapter will focus more on how the Ullurians built their first tribal villages in the southern arctic.

Comments

[HardRockLlama]

A lot, a lot needs to be said here, but at the very least, you know how words, sentence structures, and grammar works (although you use the exclamation point far, far too often.)

The first 7 paragraphs convey that the MC has been thinking about leaving her current home, but she has forgotten that South exists. She realizes that the south exists, knows nothing about it, but leads the entire tribe there on the hope that it would provide a better life because of a dragon attack which, as I understand it, went better than usual.

This leaves several questions:

1. Is everyone in the entire tribe able bodied and prepared to make a month-long trek? How did they survive a month long migration on a whim without any provisions?

2. Why do they not send a small team to scout the area before everyone moves so they don't needlessly jeopardize the lives of the young, elderly, and incapacitated? (Unless there are none)

3. If they haven't been surviving where they are now, has it always been this way? Have the attacks gotten worse recently? How many have been lost? How many remain?

4. Why would they follow Xena? Why is Xena an authority figure?

In the next passage, they discover that the south pole is cold, and Xena makes tools and her sister makes a fire. This far, the characters with names, except the one sent back to tell the other tribes that there was land at the south pole, are experts at everything which deftly craft survival tools, gear, and fire.

This leaves several more questions:

1. If they were segregated to the clouds because of dragons before, how are they experts at earthly survival endeavors now?

2. Why are horses eating fish? In this alternate universe where trees can grow in below-freezing environments, what reason is there for the horses to be eating fish?

3. If these particular ponies recognize the cold, and are damaged by it (as shown with the hoof/water part), how are they surviving long enough to make harpoons to try out fishing first? How are temperate climate ponies, who once lived where it was warm enough for dragons, used to these climates and require no conditioning?

Lastly, when you are trying to convey very simple information, you use many words, and sometimes several sentences, to do so. For example 1:

""H-he got me!!" exclaimed Tyra, gasping in pain as she tried to put the flames out. She started to drop in altitude, and would become breakfast for the reptilian raider if Xena didn't do something, and quick."

1. Tyra was hit by the dragon's fire and fell.
2. Xena didn't do anything to save her sister.
3. Tyra is being introduced and didn't exist prior to this moment.

There is nothing wrong with purple descriptors (i.e. "reptilian raider"), but the events taking place are, I assume, fast paced. With quickly-evolving action, less is more.

example 2:

"Xena nodded, turning her head to view her sister. Tyra had been flying on her own without any help for the past week, and for the most part, she seemed back to normal."

You are going through this motion as an order of events. Xena nodded. Xena turned her head. Xena looked at her sister. Xena's sister is no longer injured. This is telling, not showing.

We know Xena has to turn her head to look at things sometimes, and unless turning her head is important, it shouldn't be mentioned. If we are being told that she has recovered, it would be better to say, compare new feathers growing on top of the scars, or perhaps through dialogue to simultaneously get to know the characters better.

So far, we have learned nothing about the characters as people. They are names and relations attached to actions, but there are no personal motivations, flaws, or idiosyncrasies.

example 3:

"Looking down, Xena saw movement; and upon closer inspection, she found that it was a school of fish. The water surrounding this rocky surface was teeming with aquatic life. And as the pegasi got closer and closer, it became more apparent just how enormous this area was."

Once again, you are telling not showing. Xena looks down. Xena sees movement. Xena inspects closer. Xena sees fish. There are lots of fish.

Xena should be feeling things now such as, "We've been traveling for like a month. This shit sucks ass, and I'm hungry af. zomg, there's like fish or whatever. I'm gonna fuck up a fish. Holy shit. This little migration just might be my best idea yet." or some shit like that. With each new bit of information, the MC needs to be feeling a certain way. Right now, she's just like, "Hey, there's land... it's got fish... God of Snow."

So, like I said on Twitter, this is skipping a pointed, interesting story for a meandering, loosely defined narrative, and that definitely shows with the last few paragraphs.

Is Ulluria the main character? Are you telling the story about this settlement, or are you telling the story of the ponies who founded it? What is the motivation? How many other tribes are there? Are we to assume that all the other tribes are friendly? Why is everyone so reasonable and logical in this world devoid of emotion?

This story is missing a proper main character, a perilous conflict and/or any formidable antagonist. All we have learned in this chapter is the names of some characters and the continent of Ulluria.

It appears to be that you're either completely making it up as you go along, or you have an outline and you are doing everything you can to adhere to it religiously.

Find a balance, show don't tell, and take the time to develop interesting characters. You clearly know how words, sentences, and grammar works. The hard part is honing that skill into creating an opening that isn't just a 2,500 word emotionless, rigid order of events.

[Walroose]

10798400
Alright, this is certainly far more helpful than what you said on Twitter. Just a bit of advice, if you're gonna preface your critique, don't do it with "it's uh... not very good" because that left me feeling EXTREMELY demotivated. If you were paying me to write a story then maybe that kind of statement would be more suited but certainly not when I'm just doing this for recreation.

Looking back, for a lot of this story I had "it's just fiction, don't think about it too hard" in my head. But then I also had sections where Xena described with great realism her hypothesis about the south. So clearly, that mentality is inconsistent, and leaves a lot to be desired. So, I think I'll go more for realism. I'm definitely gonna edit this btw.

Xena didn't "forget the south exists." They're just really far north of the equator. I was hoping this would be implied, since they know about the north, but not about the south. But I could've definitely been more clear about that fact.

1. This is one of those "don't think about it too hard" moments I had, since I didn't think the preparation to migrate would really add much to the story. But yeah, for the purpose of realism, when I edit it, I'll make sure to put that in.

2. Same as above, but I still think I'll keep them all together. Maybe one of them could suggest a small team, but they ultimately decide the tribe should stick together. After all, if they leave the young, elderly, and incapacitated behind, how will they survive the dragons on their own?

3. I was planning to answer this in the next chapter. I wanted to leave a lot of questions in the reader's mind, so they'd be excited for those questions to be answered in a future chapter.

4. Same as above.

1. Another one of those "don't think about it too hard" moments. I was hoping the reader could infer "Oh, they're the tribe leaders, that means they must be the wise ones." But I do realize how, even if the reader infers they're intelligent, this part is definitely a bit of a stretch.

2. Trees can grow in taigas, they're just rare. Also, horses can eat fish.

3. The dragons didn't live up in the clouds with them, they just came up for a bite. Way up in the clouds, it is still very cold, and a dragon wouldn't be able to stay up there for long periods of time. The key difference between the south pole and the sky is that, if a dragon gets too cold in the sky, it can just fly back down. But at the south pole, they can't just simply 'get out' of the cold quickly. I thought this would be implied. It's also explained that the reason the pegasi can withstand the cold is because they live way up in the clouds. But just because you can withstand the cold doesn't mean you can touch ice-cold freezing water with no issues.

These are some good points. But I would like to mention something very important; characters will only ever exist for one chapter. It wouldn't be great to spend large amounts of time fleshing out characters just for there to be a timeskip and the characters are suddenly a part of history, with new characters taking their place every time. This story recounts the entire history; I can't have chapters close enough chronologically that they have the same characters. Perhaps I should've fleshed out the characters a bit more, but if you're expecting a full detailed description of their personality and their past, that's just a bit much.

Also, a lot of the questions you're asking are meant to be answered later. I want to give just enough information that the reader knows what's happening, but little enough that they're curious as to why the world works this way. Why are there dragons there? How come a lot of pegasi were able to stay in Equestria while these specific ones clearly could not? How did earthponies and unicorns survive? I have answers for all of these questions and I have an idea for how I'll give those answers, but it'll be in a future chapter.

I'll definitely take your criticism into consideration; thanks for the taking the time to make it.