A little filly with a struggling family hears about a dragon living in a mountain near her home.
Hoping to get some of its scales to trade for money she ventures out to find it.
Authors note: My first fic, critique will be highly appreaciated.
Special thanks to Strumfreak for helping me.
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Time to review! Yay!
I liked it. I thought it was a charming little pony tale, and I liked how you kept it simple. Your grammar needs a little work. You have a lot of run-on sentences, among other things. Also, you should start a new paragraph when you change speakers. So:
“What do you want, little hatchling?” the dragon asked, smoke billowing out from between its sharp teeth. The filly raised her sword and said “I have come for your scales.”
should be:
“What do you want, little hatchling?” the dragon asked, smoke billowing out from between its sharp teeth.
The filly raised her sword and said “I have come for your scales.”
So yeah, a fun little read with a couple minor issues. Hope that helps!
Nice going. The added paragraphs are really well written, and the story reads just as well as at school. And straight away a good response, I knew it was a good idea dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png Good job
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It is a nice story, but the pacing is a mess. I really dont like having to insult it, but this...
This story has so much potential. It could have been a truly amazing oneshot. But, I am afraid to say, your under-developed writing skills let it down. But you can improve. It takes a lot of courage to publish a first fic like this, and I commend you for that. I also have a few tips for you.
Read. That is my number one recommendation to you. The people on this site have written a lot of amazing things. Go read some of them, and pay particular attention to the way they structure their story. Heres a few good short stories I have found, that would be a good idea to start with:
Sunny Skies All Day Long
Among The Ruins
The Things We Leave Behind(a bit long, and a LOT sad, but an amazing read)
The Contest
A Simpler Time
Purpose
Basically, anything you read is giving you tips on how to improve your own writing.
My second tip is to ask for help. There are so many great people on this this site, and pretty much all of them would love to help someone like you to become a great writer. There are a lot of people who would ask to help, and another lot of people who would just do it anyway.(Like me!
) When you write some more stories, let these people help you.
My third and final tip is rather specific, and it regards your ending. 'Happily ever after' is an ending that was used to death in children's stories around 20-odd years ago. Reading some of the stories on this site should give you a better idea of how endings can work. Although, honestly, this story reads sort of like a childrens book itself, BUT you need to remember that most of your readers are 15-25 year old men.
I can see myself writing something like this for an English class around 2 years ago. The fact that I am writing this for you shows you that you can improve, because I have improved enough to write this. (Even though I havent actually written any stories.)Just keep writing and have fun, and your writing will improve in no time.
Hoped I helped!
-Syrahl696
That was a fun short little story. Good job.
Why do I always picture an adult Spike?