Everypony lives a calm, happy life in the beautiful land of Equestria, worry free, safe and away from crime. After all, no one breaks the law in Equestria, right?
Wrong.
Hidden in the dark corners of Equestria, a seedy underbelly exists, and the crime rate in Equestria is as high as any neighboring lands.
And why does nopony know of this? What is it that keeps this veil of secrecy over the dark side of Equestria?
Celestia's private killer-duo, dubbed "The Hunters", whose mission is to remove any and all potential ponies that dare disturb the peace and harmony in Equestria.
With Night Score, the high-velocity aerial assassin, with his custom built Sniper Rifle, and Misty Starsprinkle, the happy-go-lucky unicorn trained by Celestia herself in hoof-to-hoof combat and advanced battle-magic.
Will they be able to keep the underbelly, one of the biggest secrets of Equestria, hidden and invisible to everypony? Or will crime break out of their control, for the whole world to see?
My fist story starring Night Score and Misty Starsprinkle! Nightscore is my OC and Misty is a good friends of mine! please leave any and all comments!
So this is a case of "and so began the reign of the glourious empire, and everybody was happy. Except the people who weren't happy. They were imprisoned and or tortured and or killed."
this is me and my friends first story!
quick question in paragraph 4 "you know hat to do" a TF2 refrence
Well, I'm going to be blunt. I'm good at that.
Keep
Spelling errors, spelling errors everywhere.
Paragraph format. Egad. Use the enter button when a new character starts speaking.
Next the details, some of the things don't add up.
Lastly ALL CAPITAL WORDS USED OUTSIDE OF THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE IS FROWNED UPON BY READERS
And now, for an original/revised comparison of first paragraph.
Canon differences/critiques
Added Text
Compared to.
And that's just the first paragraph. Let me continue.
Second paragraph: nothing wrong with it mechanically.
Third:
As before. New character speaking=enter key.
encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJRiJ3-753n87CNXD2pOgc3NFr-mUrKjjFo468ogPDwpha7lml Hooves (the blue part on his legs)
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 Whooves, Doctor Whooves. Use hooves, not Whooves.
One word. Himself
Capitalize
Amused
Paragraph 4:
Writing fast and accidentally pushed the shift key too early. It's nice to go fast but check over your work for silly errors like that after.
what.
knife
front
Paragraph 5:
ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE NOT ACTIVATED
The sentence, it keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on. And random capitalization in the middle of it.
Were, not We're. We're is short for we are. If you can't decide what to put just put the full thing to see if it works.
Once again run on.
Paragraph 6: (A doozy)
Balcony
Family? Why does it always have to be family. People don't like to read about Celestia's bastards. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legitimacy_(law). Not to mention the forgetfulness to capitalize the I.
ok, i think that was a bit OTT but ill take that under my wing anyway, and your advice is MUCH appreciated, chapter 2 is finished, just going through grammatical check, and story polishing. and about the whole "Family" Thing, they are not related by blood, and ill get into that further into the story. And about the all caps thing, i don't think you can speak for all the readers. Anyway, if it's ok with you, could you act as a beta reader? Send me a message! and i apologise for all the grammer errors, bear with me as i learn the art of writing. And i know what a bastard is, i am one my self. And about why Celestia would be angry about Misty and Braeburn? It's because they we're in highschool, i'd be rather angry too.
woops, that's just a error, not a referance.1196248