• Member Since 14th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen May 6th, 2013

VinalTavi


Loving these MLP fanfics :) thinking of writing (Typing?) my own, i do my own drawing, and hoping to get a graphics tablet soon to save me the hassle of scanning my drawings everytime.

T

Everypony lives a calm, happy life in the beautiful land of Equestria, worry free, safe and away from crime. After all, no one breaks the law in Equestria, right?

Wrong.
Hidden in the dark corners of Equestria, a seedy underbelly exists, and the crime rate in Equestria is as high as any neighboring lands.
And why does nopony know of this? What is it that keeps this veil of secrecy over the dark side of Equestria?

Celestia's private killer-duo, dubbed "The Hunters", whose mission is to remove any and all potential ponies that dare disturb the peace and harmony in Equestria.
With Night Score, the high-velocity aerial assassin, with his custom built Sniper Rifle, and Misty Starsprinkle, the happy-go-lucky unicorn trained by Celestia herself in hoof-to-hoof combat and advanced battle-magic.

Will they be able to keep the underbelly, one of the biggest secrets of Equestria, hidden and invisible to everypony? Or will crime break out of their control, for the whole world to see?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

My fist story starring Night Score and Misty Starsprinkle! Nightscore is my OC and Misty is a good friends of mine! please leave any and all comments!:scootangel:

So this is a case of "and so began the reign of the glourious empire, and everybody was happy. Except the people who weren't happy. They were imprisoned and or tortured and or killed."

this is me and my friends first story! :pinkiehappy:

quick question in paragraph 4 "you know hat to do" a TF2 refrence

Well, I'm going to be blunt. I'm good at that.

Keep
Spelling errors, spelling errors everywhere.
Paragraph format. Egad. Use the enter button when a new character starts speaking.
Next the details, some of the things don't add up.
Lastly ALL CAPITAL WORDS USED OUTSIDE OF THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE IS FROWNED UPON BY READERS



And now, for an original/revised comparison of first paragraph.

Canon differences/critiques
Added Text

Misty's gun silently went off, "You're loosing your touch honey?" as a young colt fell to the ground behind Night Score, "I could say the same?" as his M107 rested on Misty's flank and shot a round into the dark, followed by a soft thud. "You know, the police really need to manage these empty building of theirs, look at all these young colts and mares, poor things, they know drugs are illegal don't they Night?" as Misty glanced around the abandoned Manehatten apartment,"Really make me wonder about the youth these days, it's all about drugs & sex & alchohol tch tch tch" Night Score laughed "Oh please, i remember what you and Braeburn did in Highschool, boy did Celestia Give you a earfull, something about a ladies pride was it?" Which was swiftly followed by a firm slap "Oh like I was the only one, what was her name... AJ... AJ... oh that's right Apple Jack, how long was it 2 days must have been a record for you?" "Yeah but the difference was i didn't get caught!" breaking into a light chuckle "Time to get going before the clean-up crew arrive... WHO'S THERE!" both ponies now on alert both weapons pointing towards a small gap between 2 concrete pillars "SHOW YOURE SELF!" shouted Misty. A trembling colt came stumbling out of the gap, sobbing. "He looks 16... no 14" whispers Night Score, swiftly moving up to the crying colt, holstering his M107 on his side pack "YOU, NAME, NOW!" his voice trembled in the night air. "m-my-m-my f-f-f-friends w-w-what d-did..." "I DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT CRAP" followed by a quick shot from Misty's Hand gun, the trembling colt now lay dead. "Was that really neccecary?" Night Score now sighing "You know the rules darling? If you see, you die?" "I know I know... let's go, blood really stains my coat" Night Score dashed to the nearest broken window and soared into the night. "Always in such a rush..." She said with a smile as she galloped down the stares and out the back door, into the welcoming darkness.

Compared to.

Misty's gun silently went off, "You're loosing your touch honey?" She said as a young colt fell to the ground behind Night Score.
"I could say the same?" He replied as his M107 rested on Misty's flank and shot a round into the dark, followed by a soft thud.
"You know, the police really need to manage these empty building of theirs, look at all these young colts and mares, poor things, they know drugs are illegal don't they Night?" Misty mused as she glanced around the abandoned Manehatten apartment,"Really make me wonder about the youth these days, it's all about drugs & sex & alchohol tch tch tch" Night Score laughed
"Oh please, i remember what you and Braeburn did in Highschool, boy did Celestia Give you a earfull, something about a ladies pride was it?" Which was swiftly followed by a firm slap from his companion, Why would she get an earful from Celestia, they aren't that important as far as I can tell? And the princess wouldn't care about a mare and colt sleeping together
"Oh like I was the only one, what was her name... AJ... AJ... oh that's right Apple Jack, how long was it 2 days must have been a record for you?" To get an earful of Celestia one would have to be in Canterlot, not Ponyville where Applejack grew up
"Yeah but the difference was i didn't get caught!" Night breaking broke into a light chuckle "Time to get going before the clean-up crew arrive... WHO'S THERE!" both ponies now on alert both weapons pointing towards a small gap between 2 concrete pillars "SHOW YOURESELF!" shouted Misty. A trembling colt came stumbling out of the gap, sobbing.
"He looks 16... no 14" whispersed Night Score, swiftly moving up to the crying colt, holstering his M107 on his side pack "YOU, NAME, NOW!"
His voice trembled in the night air. "m-my-m-my f-f-f-friends w-w-what d-did..."
"I DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT CRAP" followed by a quick shot from Misty's Hand gun, the trembling colt now lay dead.
"Was that really neccecary?" Night Score sighed"
You know the rules darling? If you see, you die?"
"I know I know... let's go, blood really stains my coat" Night Score dashed to the nearest broken window and soared into the night.
"Always in such a rush..." She said with a smile as she galloped down the staresstairs and out the back door, into the welcoming darkness.

And that's just the first paragraph. Let me continue.

Second paragraph: nothing wrong with it mechanically.

Third:

As before. New character speaking=enter key.

whooves

encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJRiJ3-753n87CNXD2pOgc3NFr-mUrKjjFo468ogPDwpha7lml Hooves (the blue part on his legs)
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 Whooves, Doctor Whooves. Use hooves, not Whooves.

him self

One word. Himself

misty

Capitalize

amuzed

Amused

Paragraph 4:

Get going yoU

Writing fast and accidentally pushed the shift key too early. It's nice to go fast but check over your work for silly errors like that after.

hat

what.

nife

knife

fron

front

Paragraph 5:

NOT

ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE NOT ACTIVATED

Night Score never liked the day time, his coat made him stick out like a sore thumb, NOT good for jobs,. as he flew closer and closer to Canterlot castle,Sounds incomplete. IIt had been a while since the princesses had summoned him,. They usually got their jobs from the princesses via Philomena, Princess Celiestia's Pheonix.How exactly? Explain

The sentence, it keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on. And random capitalization in the middle of it.

we're

Were, not We're. We're is short for we are. If you can't decide what to put just put the full thing to see if it works.

He flew over canterlot castle, the guards knew to let him by, by direct order of the princess, no one knew why.

Once again run on.


Paragraph 6: (A doozy)

belcony

Balcony

"Can't i summon my own family just to have a cup of tea?"

Family? Why does it always have to be family. People don't like to read about Celestia's bastards. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legitimacy_(law). Not to mention the forgetfulness to capitalize the I.

ok, i think that was a bit OTT but ill take that under my wing anyway, and your advice is MUCH appreciated, chapter 2 is finished, just going through grammatical check, and story polishing. and about the whole "Family" Thing, they are not related by blood, and ill get into that further into the story. And about the all caps thing, i don't think you can speak for all the readers. Anyway, if it's ok with you, could you act as a beta reader? Send me a message! and i apologise for all the grammer errors, bear with me as i learn the art of writing. :moustache: And i know what a bastard is, i am one my self. And about why Celestia would be angry about Misty and Braeburn? It's because they we're in highschool, i'd be rather angry too.

woops, that's just a error, not a referance.1196248

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