The Hunters

by VinalTavi

we're watching

Misty's gun silently went off, "You're losing your touch ,honey" she said as a young colt fell to the ground behind Night Score,
"I could say the same" he replied as his M107 rested on Misty's flank and shot a round into the dark, followed by a soft thud.
"You know, the police really need to manage these empty buildings of theirs, look at all these young colts and mares, poor things, they know drugs are illegal ,don't they Night?" Misty mused, glancing around the abandoned Manehattan apartment."...Really makes me wonder about the youth these days, it's all about drugs & sex & alcohol." Night Score laughed
"Oh please, I remember what you and Braeburn did in Highschool, boy did Celestia Give you an earful, something about a lady's pride was it?" Which was swiftly followed by a firm slap
"Oh like I was the only one, what was her name... AJ... AJ... oh that's right ,Apple Jack. How long was it? 2 days must have been a record for you!"
"Yeah but the difference was i didn't get caught!" breaking into a light chuckle
"Time to get going before the clean-up crew arrive... who's there?!" both ponies were now on alert ,both weapons pointing towards a small gap between 2 concrete pillars "Show yourself!" shouted Misty. A trembling colt came stumbling out of the gap, sobbing.
"He looks 16... no- 14" whispered Night Score, swiftly moving up to the crying colt, holstering his M107 on his side pack "You! Name! Now!" his voice trembled in the night air. "m-my-m-my f-f-f-friends w-w-what d-did..."
"I didn't ask for that crap!" followed by a quick shot from Misty's Hand gun ,the trembling colt now lay dead.
"Was that really necessary?" Night Score sighed
"You know the rules darling. If you see, you die."
"I know I know... let's go, blood really stains my coat" Night Score dashed to the nearest broken window and soared into the night.
"Always in such a rush..." She said with a smile as she galloped down the stairs and out the back door, into the welcoming darkness.

Misty galloped briskly through the cool night air, her violet fur tinted alabaster by the full moon. She could only just see Night Score’s silhouette, nothing more than a dark outline against the lights of Canterlot in the distance. Their hideout was a firearms dealer, just outside Ponyville, nopony ever visited so nopony ever wondered why it was never open, it was just Night Score’s silly little excuse to own lots of big guns, she thought.

Night Score felt the wind rushing through his dark blue mane, perfect for blending into the night sky, he could just see his front hooves through his flying goggles. Red, he never liked the color, or the substance that left that horrible colour on his coat, takes hours to remove, it seems a blood removing spell was yet to be invented. He landed with a small clunk on the roof of his firearms dealer, he whispered into his ear piece radio "Misty, where are ya?"
"Only a mile away honey" she replied with a light pant.
"Let me know if there's any trouble." He replied gliding down to the long grass which surrounded his dealership, "I really gotta cut this grass..." He thought to himself as he unlocked the door and trotted inside, where he could hear the light trot that was Misty not far away. "I'm going to sleep Mist." He said as he carefully placed his pride and joy, his M107 on it's special holding rack, then dumped the rest of his gear in his small room, just to the right of the door. He heard misty gallop in, slam the door shut, and yell
"Good night Night!" followed by a light chuckle, amuzed at her own joke.
"Another night, another job." Was his last thought before drifting off to a dreamless slumber.

Night Score woke up the next morning to Misty's soft humming as she cooked in the kitchen, He decided to join his old friend in the kitchen for breakfast before heading over to Canterlot to answer his summons by the princesses. "Watcha cooking?" He asked, knowing the answer.
"Hmm? nothing you'll like." She chuckled, as Night Score silently dashed up, snached some hay-fries.
"ermph delicious" He mumbled through the fresh hot hay-fries in his mouth.
"Get going you!" Misty said with a light buck to Nigh Score's flank.
"I'll be back by sun down, you know what to do if i'm not back by then." Night Score replied as he strapped his close combat knife to his fron right hoof, and holstered his 21st century commander pistol to his right flank ,galloped out the door,and into the light blue sky.

Night Score never liked the day time, his coat made him stick out like a sore thumb, not good for jobs. He flew closer and closer to Canterlot castle, It had been a while since the princesses had summoned him, They usually got their jobs from the princesses via Philomena, Princess Celiestia's Phoenix. They we're only called to the castle for bodyguard jobs, shadowing royals around Canterlot. He flew over Canterlot castle, the guards knew to let him by, by direct order of the princess, no one knew why. He landed softly on the princesses' balcony, "Come in ,Night." Called the soft voice he knew to be Princess Celestia's. He obeyed, and procceeded to turn the gold painted door handle into the princesses' study. He entered the milky white room, which always had a soft glow to it.
"Hello Princess, long time no see?"
"Indeed, Night ,indeed. How have you and Misty been? Has she... lost it again?"
"Thankfully no ,Princess. Anyway to the point, what do you wish me to do?" He knew there was a hidden reason to this summon.
"Can't I summon my own family just to have a cup of tea?"They both knew this was a lie.
"Please Princess, I have another job to go to." Even Celestia knew that, for she gave him the job.
"Alright Night, last week something important went missing from the royal Gardens, something important, a statue." Her tone was more serious now.
"No... not that statue, not Discord!" Even Night Score was worried now, for last time Discord had awoken the crime in Equestria reached unbelievable heights, even
after he was sealed away by the elements of harmony. "You know what to do Night, and... keep this hush hush from Misty .Yes?" With a silent nod Night Score was gone, curtains aflutter by the balcony door. He couldn't let Misty know about this, not after what Discord had done to her parents, how she lost all control last time she saw Discord, nearly had them killed. He was afraid now, very afraid.

Comments

[VinalTavi]

My fist story starring Night Score and Misty Starsprinkle! Nightscore is my OC and Misty is a good friends of mine! please leave any and all comments!

[please delete]

So this is a case of "and so began the reign of the glourious empire, and everybody was happy. Except the people who weren't happy. They were imprisoned and or tortured and or killed."

[VinalTavi]

this is me and my friends first story!

[Northernbolt]

quick question in paragraph 4 "you know hat to do" a TF2 refrence

[Thorlol]

Well, I'm going to be blunt. I'm good at that.

Keep
Spelling errors, spelling errors everywhere.
Paragraph format. Egad. Use the enter button when a new character starts speaking.
Next the details, some of the things don't add up.
Lastly ALL CAPITAL WORDS USED OUTSIDE OF THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE IS FROWNED UPON BY READERS

And now, for an original/revised comparison of first paragraph.

Canon differences/critiques
Added Text

Misty's gun silently went off, "You're loosing your touch honey?" as a young colt fell to the ground behind Night Score, "I could say the same?" as his M107 rested on Misty's flank and shot a round into the dark, followed by a soft thud. "You know, the police really need to manage these empty building of theirs, look at all these young colts and mares, poor things, they know drugs are illegal don't they Night?" as Misty glanced around the abandoned Manehatten apartment,"Really make me wonder about the youth these days, it's all about drugs & sex & alchohol tch tch tch" Night Score laughed "Oh please, i remember what you and Braeburn did in Highschool, boy did Celestia Give you a earfull, something about a ladies pride was it?" Which was swiftly followed by a firm slap "Oh like I was the only one, what was her name... AJ... AJ... oh that's right Apple Jack, how long was it 2 days must have been a record for you?" "Yeah but the difference was i didn't get caught!" breaking into a light chuckle "Time to get going before the clean-up crew arrive... WHO'S THERE!" both ponies now on alert both weapons pointing towards a small gap between 2 concrete pillars "SHOW YOURE SELF!" shouted Misty. A trembling colt came stumbling out of the gap, sobbing. "He looks 16... no 14" whispers Night Score, swiftly moving up to the crying colt, holstering his M107 on his side pack "YOU, NAME, NOW!" his voice trembled in the night air. "m-my-m-my f-f-f-friends w-w-what d-did..." "I DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT CRAP" followed by a quick shot from Misty's Hand gun, the trembling colt now lay dead. "Was that really neccecary?" Night Score now sighing "You know the rules darling? If you see, you die?" "I know I know... let's go, blood really stains my coat" Night Score dashed to the nearest broken window and soared into the night. "Always in such a rush..." She said with a smile as she galloped down the stares and out the back door, into the welcoming darkness.

Compared to.

Misty's gun silently went off, "You're loosing your touch honey?" She said as a young colt fell to the ground behind Night Score.
"I could say the same?" He replied as his M107 rested on Misty's flank and shot a round into the dark, followed by a soft thud.
"You know, the police really need to manage these empty building of theirs, look at all these young colts and mares, poor things, they know drugs are illegal don't they Night?" Misty mused as she glanced around the abandoned Manehatten apartment,"Really make me wonder about the youth these days, it's all about drugs & sex & alchohol tch tch tch" Night Score laughed
"Oh please, i remember what you and Braeburn did in Highschool, boy did Celestia Give you a earfull, something about a ladies pride was it?" Which was swiftly followed by a firm slap from his companion, Why would she get an earful from Celestia, they aren't that important as far as I can tell? And the princess wouldn't care about a mare and colt sleeping together
"Oh like I was the only one, what was her name... AJ... AJ... oh that's right Apple Jack, how long was it 2 days must have been a record for you?" To get an earful of Celestia one would have to be in Canterlot, not Ponyville where Applejack grew up
"Yeah but the difference was i didn't get caught!" Night breaking broke into a light chuckle "Time to get going before the clean-up crew arrive... WHO'S THERE!" both ponies now on alert both weapons pointing towards a small gap between 2 concrete pillars "SHOW YOURESELF!" shouted Misty. A trembling colt came stumbling out of the gap, sobbing.
"He looks 16... no 14" whispersed Night Score, swiftly moving up to the crying colt, holstering his M107 on his side pack "YOU, NAME, NOW!"
His voice trembled in the night air. "m-my-m-my f-f-f-friends w-w-what d-did..."
"I DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT CRAP" followed by a quick shot from Misty's Hand gun, the trembling colt now lay dead.
"Was that really neccecary?" Night Score sighed"
You know the rules darling? If you see, you die?"
"I know I know... let's go, blood really stains my coat" Night Score dashed to the nearest broken window and soared into the night.
"Always in such a rush..." She said with a smile as she galloped down the staresstairs and out the back door, into the welcoming darkness.

And that's just the first paragraph. Let me continue.

Second paragraph: nothing wrong with it mechanically.

Third:

As before. New character speaking=enter key.

whooves

encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJRiJ3-753n87CNXD2pOgc3NFr-mUrKjjFo468ogPDwpha7lml Hooves (the blue part on his legs)
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 Whooves, Doctor Whooves. Use hooves, not Whooves.

him self

One word. Himself

misty

Capitalize

amuzed

Amused

Paragraph 4:

Get going yoU

Writing fast and accidentally pushed the shift key too early. It's nice to go fast but check over your work for silly errors like that after.

hat

what.

nife

knife

fron

front

Paragraph 5:

NOT

ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE NOT ACTIVATED

Night Score never liked the day time, his coat made him stick out like a sore thumb, NOT good for jobs,. as he flew closer and closer to Canterlot castle,Sounds incomplete. IIt had been a while since the princesses had summoned him,. They usually got their jobs from the princesses via Philomena, Princess Celiestia's Pheonix.How exactly? Explain

The sentence, it keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on. And random capitalization in the middle of it.

we're

Were, not We're. We're is short for we are. If you can't decide what to put just put the full thing to see if it works.

He flew over canterlot castle, the guards knew to let him by, by direct order of the princess, no one knew why.

Once again run on.

Paragraph 6: (A doozy)

belcony

Balcony

"Can't i summon my own family just to have a cup of tea?"

Family? Why does it always have to be family. People don't like to read about Celestia's bastards. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legitimacy_(law). Not to mention the forgetfulness to capitalize the I.

[VinalTavi]

ok, i think that was a bit OTT but ill take that under my wing anyway, and your advice is MUCH appreciated, chapter 2 is finished, just going through grammatical check, and story polishing. and about the whole "Family" Thing, they are not related by blood, and ill get into that further into the story. And about the all caps thing, i don't think you can speak for all the readers. Anyway, if it's ok with you, could you act as a beta reader? Send me a message! and i apologise for all the grammer errors, bear with me as i learn the art of writing. And i know what a bastard is, i am one my self. And about why Celestia would be angry about Misty and Braeburn? It's because they we're in highschool, i'd be rather angry too.

[VinalTavi]

woops, that's just a error, not a referance.1196248