• Published 12th Oct 2020
  • 1,995 Views, 67 Comments

Soldier in Equestria - robberrito

The soldier is a simple-minded man. He sees blue colors? He shoots. He sees bread? He teleports it. He is a man destined for combat and war. However, what happens when he is transported to a realm of peace? Chaos ensues.

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Dragonshy Part 1: Planning

The RED Soldier was out of breath, fighting desperately to remain standing despite the situation. His knees were shaking beneath him, wanting to collapse at every step he took. Every time he breathed he unleashed a fountain of drool and mucus out of his mouth, and his lungs echoed their pain to the rest of his body, resulting in the Soldier vomiting several times during his journey from the pain and fatigue. He could barely hear any other sound, all his focus on his steps and where to place them in the rocky terrain.

Yet through all this, the Soldier refused to quit. He had certainly gone through worse than this, and he wasn't about to embarrass himself by failing to will himself up the rocky slope. He looked up and observed the top of the mountain. He couldn't calculate the exact distance he was from the top, but he could tell he was a long way from the top. He gathered and himself and began to push himself further up, in defiance of his body's fatigue. He would not fail this mission, he could not fail this mission, his colleagues and newfound friends counted on it, and if he failed, then they would fail as well. That was not something he could tolerate.

As he pushed, he heard the sound of laughing and stopped. It was from a familiar voice, a certain blue-furred, rainbow-haired, tomboyish pegasus with a fascination with pranks' voice. He looked up toward the voice and saw her observing himself, all the while almost choking on her laughter.

Angrily, he gathered up the energy to question her, "Wha... wha's so... fun...ny?"

Rainbow Dash snorted before answering his question, "Look at you! You're nearing passing out from taking a quick hike up this mountain! You're seriously telling me a "soldier" can't do that?"

If Soldier had the energy to, he would have run over and smashed in her face, but as it stood, he could not do much. in light of this, he resorted to simply glaring at her and giving her the middle finger, and then he passed out from exhaustion.

------ Earlier that day... ------

It was like any other day. The sun rose above the horizon, signaling the awakening of ponies all across Equestria. Ponies got up and began their preparations for school or their jobs.

There was one glaring darkness in Equestria, however. One that was growing every minute and turning Equestria into a massive fog of ash and smoke. This was a dragon, a mythical creature larger than (almost) any other. Their massive scales protected them from most hazards and their throats burned with the magma erupting from below the crust of the planet. Of course, this magma was a problem for other creatures as it burned them, and, combined with the food eaten by the dragon, produced smoke. This smoke was enough to cast a dark shadow over Equestria as a dragon slept atop a mountain, blowing smoke from its nostrils every second.

This was enough to attract the attention of Princess Celestia herself, and she observed the smoke as it cast a large shadow upon her lands. Eventually, she picked up a piece of paper and started writing to her student.

To my faithful student,
At this moment, you may have noticed a large amount of smoke building up in the sky above Equestria. This is the result of a sleeping dragon, and it currently lies on a mountaintop west of Ponyville. I wish for you to approach this dragon, and, if you can, convince it to move out of its perch and find somewhere else to live. If you do not do this, I fear Equestria will be put into darkness for a hundred years. I recommend you take your friends with you, as they will surely benefit you in your journey toward the top. They may also be of benefit at the peak...

Celestia frowned as she stared at the word "friends". Recently, she had learned of a new... rowdy friend of Twilight. One who was not afraid to resort to violence if he did not get his way. Her student only named him "the Soldier", and he was one of the most violent people she had heard of. She described him as a "hairless monkey" who stood at around 5'11". This was surprising since this meant he was almost as tall as Celestia (at least without her horn), and she was very tall.

She knew of the dangers of such an explosive individual. She also knew of how explosive dragons were if they didn't get their way. If these two creatures were to encounter one another, only one would come out alive. She wasn't so sure it would be the dragon, though, given the monkey's abilities.

Celestia quickly began writing again, wishing to finish the letter.

of the mountain, when you meet the dragon. However, I implore that your new friend, the Soldier, remain at Ponyville. He is simply too explosive and violent to diplomatically handle a dragon. I fear that, if the two were to meet, only one would come back alive. I know that you will be able to overcome this challenge and spread friendship to even the most unlikely of creatures. Stay safe.

Your mentor and your friend, Princess Celestia.

After she finished the letter, her horn magically lit up, and the letter was sent off toward Ponyville.

------ In Ponyville, where danger brews... ------

In Ponyville, all was calm and peaceful. Foals played in the park while the adults watched, and ponies of all kinds went to work, acting in ignorance of the giant cloud of smoke that billowed above them. Only a few ponies were aware of the situation.

One of these ponies was Fluttershy, who was currently staring up at the sky in a mix of worry and fear. She had heard of the danger from Angel Bunny, who was coughing from the amount of smoke building up in the atmosphere. Currently, she was staring at the smoke that threatened to blot out the sun entirely.

She turned her head to stare at the ponies around her, who were currently not minding the massive cloud of smoke above them. Several thoughts went through her head, thoughts of blazing fires and ash that consumed everything in its path. The thought of ponies being caught in this fire terrified her. However, it also encouraged her. She could warn them before it was too late.

Quickly she sprung into action, attempting to warn the ponies around her of the danger that slowly crept their way. Despite her efforts, they remained ignorant. They either watched Rainbow Dash attempt to beat her ball-bouncing record or simply went on their merry way, going through the park to their jobs, or just because they were going for a walk. Fluttershy's quiet and unassertive voice could not get through to them.

Luckily, her purple friend would save the day, as her more loud and assertive voice convinced ponies to heed her words. She informed them of the smoke building up above them and encouraged them to retreat to their homes to protect themselves from the dangerous fumes.

Eventually, a meeting is called to take place in Twilight's home, the Golden Oak Library. As they approached the library, something felt off.

"Twilight, dear, where is our... new friend?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow before looking around the area. She saw no sign of the crazed madman near the library.

"I'm not sure. Pinkie, he lives with you, where is he?"

After the incident of the Ursa Minor, the Soldier was introduced to the townsponies that he had helped to protect. The Main (or Mane) Six, as they are called, were the first he was introduced to. Some of them he had already met, but some, like Fluttershy, he had not yet seen or even heard of. After some quick introductions, he was thanked for his role in saving 3 lives from the jaws of the Ursa Minor, and rewarded with many bits.

However, this left the question of where he had to live, as he claimed to live in the Everfree (which horrified many, for only monsters came out of the Everfree). Since he had made quick friends with her, it was decided he would live with Pinkie Pie in Sugar Cube Corner (she demanded it herself). While the others had their doubts about the crazed monkey soldier living in a bakery, they eventually relented and decided it was probably the best thing they were going to get, since no one else wanted to house a crazed gunman

Twilight turned to look at Pinkie Pie while she asked her question. The Party Pony was currently bouncing up and down with a goofy grin on her face, something Twilight did not understand about the pony.

Pinkie quickly answered her, "He's coming, don't worry! He was looking through the garbage can by the store! I think he was looking for something he threw away."

The other five were confused by this behavior. What kind of weirdo looks through the trash? Who knows what's in there!

They were about to head inside the library when they heard a boom in the distance. They turned around to see the Soldier a fair distance away. He was above Ponyville, flying toward the library at a great speed while mid-air explosions propelled him faster. Twilight's eyes widened as she realized he was flying straight toward them.

"LOOK OUT!" she screamed in fright as she jumped out of the way. Everypony else quickly followed suit, clearing the way for the Soldier to fly straight into the library's door.

The ponies heard a loud crash as the Soldier's body collided with the door. They heard another loud crash when the Soldier hit the shelves that held the library's books. They listened (Twilight did in dread) as the books tumbled toward the floor, many of them falling on the Soldier.

The ponies quickly stood up, and ran toward the door, looking to see the state of the library. Needless to say, it was a mess. The door was destroyed, leaving nothing but the frame to hold the broken wood in place. The inside was a complete disaster. The shelves the Soldier hit were destroyed, causing all the books to tumble down. The shockwave of the Soldier hitting the shelf had caused the rest of the books to fall from their shelves, leaving a large mountain of books to litter the library floor. Meanwhile, the Soldier himself was hidden under a massive pile of books.

Suddenly, the Soldier burst out from the pile, holding a strange contraption in his hands while he had a large smile on his face, despite crashing into a building at the speed of a car on the highway. He shouted toward the wide-eyed group of ponies in front of him.


The ponies just looked at him in confusion (save Pinkie Pie, who was just happy that he wasn't hurt), while a purple-green form walked into the room. At the sight of such a mess, he yelled at the top of his lungs, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I JUST CLEANED THIS UP!"

Seeing things escalating quickly, Twilight stepped in and her horn lit up, encompassing all the books on the ground in her magic before moving them all into the corner to be organized later. She spoke in a calm, but assertive voice to de-escalate the situation, "It doesn't matter right now. What matters is we're all here. Right now there is a threat to possibly the entire country of Equestria!"

Everyone in the room was now suddenly paying attention at the news of danger approaching Equestria, and the former anger at the disorganization of the library dissipated. The Soldier was unfazed by the news, though it did interest him a tiny bit, and was currently inspecting his contraption.

Twilight pulled out her letter from Celestia, holding it in the air with her magic to show it to the group.

"According to Celestia, the smoke that is coming over Equestria is not from any normal fire, but a slumbering dragon from atop a mountain! If it doesn't leave, it could cover Equestria in darkness for a century!"

The ponies looked at each other in apparent worry at the thought of smoke covering the entire land of Equestria and blotting out the sun. Applejack spoke up, "So, who's gonna stop that darn dragon?"

Twilight smiled at her, and Fluttershy was scared of what she'd say next.

"That's why we're here, Applejack. We're gonna go up there and make that dragon leave!"

This elicited excitement from the ponies in the room, spurring up thoughts of saving Equestria once again from the clutches of evil (even though their opponent wasn't so evil). However, Fluttershy was less than pleased to hear this news. Adult dragons were some of the most dangerous creatures to inhabit Equestria. They were almost the size of a building and their fire breath could melt almost anything. The thought of going up to one and telling it to leave sounded like a really bad idea to her. She attempted to tell them the risks of such a plan.

"Um, I know you girls are really excited to get to save Equestria again, but, um, isn't telling a dragon to leave, like... um, a bad idea?"

She was cut off by a yell from the Soldier, who looked like he was ready to go to war, "BULLSHIT! WE GO UP THERE AND WE KICK THAT DRAGON'S ASS FOR THE PONY PRESIDENT!"

While the group was confused by the last few words the Soldier said, they were inclined to disagree with the thought of "kicking the dragon's ass". Nonetheless, they appreciated the spirit.

Twilight took this opportunity to speak directly toward the Soldier, "Actually, Soldier, you're not going to be coming along."

The Soldier looked like he had just been punched. He tried to come up with something to say, but only sputters came from his mouth. The other ponies looked almost as shocked, wondering why Twilight wouldn't bring along such a highly-skilled soldier.

Twilight began to explain, "Celestia says that you are too explosive and violent for this mission. She fears that if you encountered the dragon you would begin to attack it."

The Soldier retorted, "HELL YES I WOULD!".

Twilight responded in kind, "That's exactly the problem! We are to solve this problem diplomatically. We can convince the dragon to leave on our own, I don't think we'll need your help."

The Soldier growled at Twilight, seemingly ready to pounce on her at any moment. However, something prodded him in the side, and he turned to see Pinkie Pie poking him with her hoof. As soon as he was paying attention, she spoke, "Don't worry, Solly! We'll be fine! We'll make sure that dragon sleeps somewhere else!"

After thinking for a moment, the Soldier relented, "Alright, fine. You'd better not get hurt."

Pinkie Pie smiled, "Don't plan to!"

Twilight smiled, happy that the Soldier could be convinced to stay. She spoke up once again, "Alright girls! We're ready to head out!"

Fluttershy suddenly interrupted, "Um, actually, I have to take care of my animals, so I'll just stay here..."

Twilight frowned at this problem, before smiling once again when she found her answer, "Spike!". She turned to Spike, who was still standing where he was before, watching attentively. He saluted once she addressed him, "Yes ma'am?". Twilight pointed at Fluttershy, "All of us will be gone for a while, so I need you to take care of Fluttershy's animals while we're gone. Can you do that for me?"

Spike groaned. He had already done so much, but he accepted the offer, given that it was to save Equestria, "Sure thing, boss."

Fluttershy doubted Spike could do such a thing, but she wasn't going to attempt to stop him. Once all the present issues were solved, Twilight stared through the former doorway to the library with a determined look on her face. She flashed a smile before she uttered the warcry, "Alright girls, let's roll out!"

Suddenly, the group ran out of the library, eagerly traveling toward their homes to prepare for the perilous journey up the mountain.

The Soldier remained in the library, still standing where he had landed from the crash. He had his arms crossed across his chest, mumbling to himself about how unfair it was he didn't get to go up the mountain. He turned his head to look at Spike, who was looking at the pile of books in the corner with a small amount of anger.

"I can't believe you smashed up the library!" Spike turned to face the Soldier, "I had to spend SOOOO LONG cleaning that up! Now I have to do it again!"

The Soldier couldn't care less about his library, and quickly retorted, "Whatever, it's just some books. At least you aren't being left behind while your comrades go on to save the world! I'm a soldier! I'm meant for that sort of thing!"

He growled in frustration at the idea of being left behind while the others did something important. Then he thought about what his friends could be facing. Not only just a dragon but possibly an evil wizard! What if it was Gray Mann and he was using it as bait to draw his friends in and blast them with tons of money-powered robots? What if it was Sniper, and he was waiting to shower them with piss?

He couldn't leave them alone, not now. They needed him.

He frowned. How was he supposed to reach them in time before it was too late?

Then, he looked down toward his contraption. It looked like garbage (because it was), to say the least.

He smiled. This was no ordinary garbage, it was the Beggar's Bazooka. The rocket launcher was strange. You would put three rockets into the tube at a time and it unleashed a barrage of three rockets onto its foes. However, it had a downside. If you loaded more than three rockets into the clip, it blew up on you. At least, this was supposed to be a downside. In reality, the Soldier used this explosive blast to propel himself mid-air, where there were no walls to rocket jump off. This essentially meant the Soldier could fly, at least with enough ammo.

The Soldier ran out the front door, realizing that, if he made it in time, he could save them from themselves.

He stopped himself. He had to check his ammo first. Looking everywhere on his person, he could clearly see he had no ammo. He groaned, before walking toward Sugar Cube Corner, which is where his dispenser was.