• Published 12th Oct 2020
  • 1,929 Views, 66 Comments

Soldier in Equestria - robberrito



The soldier is a simple-minded man. He sees blue colors? He shoots. He sees bread? He teleports it. He is a man destined for combat and war. However, what happens when he is transported to a realm of peace? Chaos ensues.

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A Tired Farmer and a Crocket

The sun came up once more ending the previous day's chaos involving tickets. Now, today was a day where a challenge was to be issued. A mare would, in a stubborn way, try and buck apples all by herself! This would come at the cost of her own health, as well as the health of others.

However, the Soldier was going to have an adventure of his own. He was currently walking back toward the village for another day of recon. Although the last day was a complete failure, today was going to be his day.

His luck was at astronomical levels as well, because there was a level 3 Teleporter waiting for him in his path, spinning extremely fast. The Soldier, pleasantly surprised, examined it. He ended up finding a note that was left just for him.

Hello, I'm the Engineer! I've just got this teleporter up and running after I noticed the exit was missing from where you were teleported. It somehow ended up traveling with you and now we're able to send you stuff. If you have seen this note, walk into the teleporter and we'll get you back to 2fort.

The Soldier placed the note back into the teleporter, where it transferred itself to the other dimension. Excited, the Soldier attempted to step through. However, when the teleporter started glowing again, it did not transport him. Confused, the Soldier jumped, seeing if the teleporter was malfunctioning, and it did not transport him. The Soldier, furious, ran over to a tree and kicked it as hard as he could. The result was that Soldier's leg was now sore and in need of medic treatment. Holding back a yell, that Soldier walked over to the teleporter again to find a note there.

Soldier, if you're there why haven't you walked through the teleporter yet? It's a two-way teleporter, it should transport you just fine.

The Soldier responded by grabbing the note, along with the pen attached, and writing a letter to the Engineer as fast as possible. What came out was barely comprehensible.

ENGINEER IF YOU DON'T SEND A DISPENSER HERE RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU AND SHOVE THIS TELEPORTER UP YOUR ASS YOU SCUMBAG. YOUR DAMN TELEPORTER WON'T WORK AND NOW I'M INJURED. GIVE ME YOUR DISPENSER YOU PILE OF DOG SHIT.

The Soldier slammed the note onto the teleporter, which transported it away. Another minute passed while the Soldier grumbled the whole time, and then a dispenser made itself known to the world of ponies. The Soldier nearly tripped running over to the dispenser, and when he got there he hugged it like it was a son to him. The dispenser responded in kind with healing and ammo, as all of Soldier's depleted resources returned to him.

"Hehehehe, I like you dispenser." The Soldier planted a big fat kiss on the dispenser, which, if it was alive, would have run away as far as possible.

The Soldier, health and spirit replenished, marched toward the village, hellbent on uncovering Gray Mann's secret hideout that was (probably) somewhere in the village. He speculated it was somewhere near the town hall he had seen earlier. The Soldier decided this was his destination.

Before he could advance, however, he heard the sound of someone screaming. The Soldier turned his head in all 360 degrees before he realized the sound was coming from above. The Soldier looked up to find a bright blue thing falling directly toward him. The Soldier had an immediate urge to shoot the blue thing in the sky when he remembered a situation.


It was in Badwater, the Soldier and his teammates were being pushed back by the opposing team and were currently retreating. No matter how much they tried they were still pushed back with the power of an Übercharge and stickybombs. Currently, he was on a rock shooting at the enemies below. Suddenly, he heard the yell of the enemy Soldier coming from above. He turned up in order to shoot the Soldier, but it was too late, and he was pummeled by a Market Gardener. The enemy Soldier taunted him, "A big mug of my foot up your ass." Standing over his body, the enemy Soldier kicked him and went on to advance through the chokepoint.


The Soldier no longer could contain himself. He pulled out his rocket launcher and shot at the incoming projectile, "CROCKET!"

The rocket slammed into the object with great force and, along with the force of the explosion, pushed the object into the other direction and toward the town of Ponyville.


Twilight was in her library, talking about how Applejack was pushing herself too far and how she would hurt somepony, when an injured Rainbow Dash went crashing straight through the balcony and into her bookshelves. The rainbow-haired pegasus moaned in pain, as a book fell off the bookshelf and into her face.

"Rainbow Dash? What did you do? Are you okay?" The lavender mare rushed over to help her friend, as she noticed she was really hurt.

Rainbow Dash moaned again before giving her an answer, "Applejack tried to help me with something but sent me flying in the air, and then a flying metal thingy hit me and exploded and it sent me here. That mare needs some sleep..." The mare moaned again, and struggled to finish her next sentence, "...And I need a doctor."

Twilight groaned as she picked up Rainbow Dash in her magic grasp and began to walk to Ponyville's medical center.

She left one comment before leaving the library, "Applejack..."


The Soldier was currently walking through the streets of Ponyville, which were deserted for some reason. He had previously been sneaking around but right now nobody... nopony was home. He had even checked in one house and no one was there! Where was everyone?

He was about to get his answer when he heard chatter coming from the Ponyville Hospital nearby. Using his bush disguise, he crept toward the window nearest to him and look inside. He witnessed a conversation between a white nurse pony and Twilight, which he could barely hear.

"Well, Ms. Dash appears to have suffered many fractures resulting from whiplash as well as a concussion due to a sudden change in direction. If what Ms. Dash has told me is true, the explosion that she was hit with was not made with pony hooves, meaning her magic took the blast instead.” The nurse finally finished her spiel.

Twilight nodded to the nurse while Rainbow Dash was left very confused, "Uh, what do you mean my magic took the blast?"

The nurse turned to Rainbow Dash, "Well, you probably forgot this after school was done, but creatures with magic are at an advantage due to the protection it provides them. The magic inside each and every one of us blocks a significant portion of physical injury when we are harmed. This means that when you were hit with that flying object, instead of you taking the whole blast yourself and taking fatal damage, the magic in your body took it for you. What this means is that you're going to have to take a couple of days off from flying or you may risk your wings failing you mid-flight."

When Rainbow Dash heard she was going to have to take days off of flying, her spirits plummeted. She yelled the loudest she could, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" However, her scream of "pain" was stopped by Twilight given her a silence spell, making it so Rainbow Dash was now mute.

This, however, did not apply to Soldier, since he was not a being of magic. He had to take the full brunt of a loud-ass scream that threatened to make his ears bleed. The Soldier's attempts at covering his ears did not make it any better, as the scream was too loud. Her tantrum eventually went away as the Soldier lied on the ground, hands covering his ears. When he could no longer hear any scream, he uncovered his ears and looked in the window again, only to see that the ponies were now leaving. Angered, the Soldier stomped away.


He eventually stomped so far that he got to Sweet Apple Acres, where he saw an orange mare named Applejack bucking trees. Well, attempting to. The mare was currently falling in bits of sleep, threatening to stop her from completing her task. The Soldier snuck up to the farmer, wanting to do something to wake her up. Thinking of things he could do, he settled on an extreme option. Chuckling, the Soldier plucked all the apples from the tree, being tall enough to reach them. He then tied them all together and attached them to the branch above Applejack. Then, he tapped Applejack in the side. When she didn't respond he did it again... and again... and again. Eventually, he just screamed at her.

"GET YOUR PONY ASS BACK TO WORK YOU WORTHLESS APPLE BUCKING PILE OF TRASH."

Applejack woke up instantly from the loud noise and responded in kind, "OKAY MISTER I GOT YOU!" She kicked the tree as hard as she could, causing the apples above her to fall on her at maximum speed. I am sure you can guess what happened.

Yup, Applejack got knocked the hell out.

The Soldier merely laughed at the orange pony's misery. "Mission accomplished!" was one of the many things he said to taunt Applejack at that moment. However, his joy subsided as he heard the sound of a certain lavender mare. Quickly, he slipped away to terrorize other parts of this world.


Bon Bon was in her workroom, continuing her letter to the Princess. Continuing on from last time, it read like this:

...for its crimes against the creatures of Equestria and beyond. It has violated the rights of others by taking their lives away. I surely do not need to explain to you why this is so abhorrent. I request a detachment of Royal Guards at Ponyville immediately to assist in the capture and arrest of the

However, this letter was to be interrupted in an even worse way than last time, as Lyra barged into the room and charged directly at Bon Bon.

"Hey Bon Bon, you have to- whoops!" Lyra suddenly fell directly on top of Bon Bon, knocking over a jar of ink that Bon Bon was writing with and spilling the contents of the jar all over the paper.

Bon Bon observed her work be ruined by a small mishap that could have easily been prevented with a little more caution. She turned toward Lyra, her face red with rage.

Lyra nervously chuckled when she saw the rage-filled face of her partner, "Hehehe, it was just an accident Bon Bon, I'm sure we can-" Her attempts to calm Bon Bon down did not work, as Bon Bon exploded in rage at Lyra.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT LYRA?" She screamed at the green pony.

She tried to respond but was too afraid of enraging Bon Bon even more.

Bon Bon yelled even more, "I WAS WRITING A VERY IMPORTANT LETTER AND YOU BARGED INTO THE ROOM AND FELL INTO ME! YOU RUINED MY LETTER AND NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN!"

Lyra tried to say it wasn't that big of a deal, "Listen, Bon Bon, I'm sure it didn't take that long to write. I can write it if you want."

Bon Bon simply stormed off toward their room.

Lyra was left staring at the door which Bon Bon went through. She was more skeptical right now, though.

"Why was Bon Bon so mad over that letter? It couldn't have been so important she would scream at me if I messed it up, would it? Ugh, I'll just clean up this mess."


The Soldier at the moment was back at his "home" among the trees. He had established that he would sleep by his dispenser and had taken it to his pillow of leaves. Currently, he was trying to figure out what to do about his teammates and himself, but right now he needed sleep. So, he went to bed and quickly lost consciousness, unaware of the two beings that observed his every move. They watched and waited, for they relied on him for their success. Once he had caused enough mayhem, it would be over, and they would win.

Author's Note:

Applejack is so sleepy doesn't notice the merc that wants to prank her. Is this an epic prank in the hood gone wrong gone sexual cops called?