• Published 12th Oct 2020
  • 1,929 Views, 66 Comments

Soldier in Equestria - robberrito

The soldier is a simple-minded man. He sees blue colors? He shoots. He sees bread? He teleports it. He is a man destined for combat and war. However, what happens when he is transported to a realm of peace? Chaos ensues.

  • ...


Teams BLU and RED were currently in a large conference room, sitting at opposite sides of one another and discussing the mission. There was a large podium situated in front of both teams, with Ms. Pauling and the BLU Engineer standing near it. They were about to go on a great mission to bring back the Soldier from his dimensional mishap. Ms. Pauling tapped the microphone once to get everyone's attention, then leaned forward into the microphone. Both teams were now alert and awaiting instructions.

It is important to note that while both teams have no qualms killing each other at any time, they are willing to team up to preserve their jobs as mercenaries and to have more fun shooting each other. The fact that the RED Soldier was missing was getting in the way of that, and both teams knew that they would have to team up to find him. For now, they would be willing to cooperate.

Ms. Pauling began to speak into the microphone, "Hey guys. As you all know, the RED Soldier was sucked into a dimensional vortex and sent into an alternate reality-" Her message was cut off by the RED Scout yelling, "Wait what?! When did this happen?"

Ms. Pauling facepalmed, "Scout, you were supposed to read the mission briefing before you got here. Please do that next time. Anyway, we now know who is responsible for this mess."

Ms. Pauling clicked a button on the podium, causing a projector present in the back of the room to begin to show a large image in front of the mercenaries.

"Merasmus..." The RED Spy said in frustration. He knew that wizard was going to try something stupid one day. This time, he crossed the line.

The BLU Soldier yelled out in anger at the static picture, "GODDAMN YOU MERASMUS, I WILL KICK A MASSIVE RABBIT UP YOUR ASS AND LOCK YOU IN A CAGE WITH RACOONS. COME HERE YOU-!" The BLU Soldier charged at the image, intent on murdering the light that dared show that cursed face. RED and BLU team members had to hold him back from ruining the meeting.

Ms. Pauling continued her talk, "Yes, it's our old friend. This time he tried to sneakily teleport RED Soldier to some random dimension. However, our BLU Engineer here has been able to figure out his tricks and where he currently is. Tell us your game plan, Engie." Ms. Pauling stepped off the podium to let the BLU Engineer speak.

The BLU Engineer began speaking in his soft, Southern accent to both BLU and RED, "Hey there, ya'll. It seems like this wizard can't get over Soldier screamin' sometimes. Well, now's our time to show him ya don't mess with these mercenaries. Anyway, Merasmus has been located by mah magic detectors and it seems he's in the middle of the desert and staying still. I haven't exactly been able to determine why, but this is our chance to get Merasmus to give Soldier back before he can hide in another realm. All of our equipment has been secured in two vans outside this very buildin' and we'll be able to take off soon. RED team, you'll be approachin' from the North and West, taking advantage of the higher elevation and trapping him from escapin' into non-Mann Co. territory with sentries and heavy defenses. BLU team, we'll be approaching from the South and East, with offensive weapons capable of whittlin' down Merasmus and disablin' him as quickly as possible. Ideal weapons will be the Kritzkrieg and Direct Hit combo, which will do tons of damage. For now, we'll need to depart so we can catch him as soon as possible, but more details are included in the vans. We've got maps as well as weapon recommendations for each of ya'll. There's a resupply locker in each van for retreating and we have access to a specialized respawn point made by me, the RED Engineer, the BLU Medic, and the RED Medic. Thank ya'll for the help, by the way. Any questions?"

The Engineer watched as he saw nearly all hands raise up. He sighed and pointed toward Demoman, hoping to get actual questions.

"Can Ah' bring me bottle o' scrumpey?"

Clearly, that's not what he was going to get.

All teams were currently driving toward the middle of the desert. There was nothing in sight. No buildings, no cars, absolutely nothing except the orange, rocky terrain of the Badlands. Why two brothers thought having a war over the land was worth it, none of the team members knew. What they did know was they got paid a lot for their work, which shut up anyone looking to ask questions. They were currently discussing the upcoming battle with excitement, seeing as they were unable to battle for several days. The plan was pretty simple, BLU was going to be taking Merasmus on directly and RED would close off exits for the wizard. Slowly, they would close in on the wizard, and when he was defeated they would capture and demand he give the RED Soldier back. The loadouts were as follows:

The RED team had mostly defense oriented weapons. With high rates of fire and Level 3 Sentries to help them out. The Scout had equipped the Scattergun and Crit-a-Cola to allow him to fire multiple high-damage shots at once. The quickness of the Scout would prevent Merasmus from doing too much damage. The Soldier was, of course, gone. The Pyro had equipped the Stock Flamethrower to have more airblasts at its disposal, and the Flare Gun to burn Merasmus from afar. The Demoman had equipped the Scottish Resistance along with the Loose Cannon to push back Merasmus if he tried to approach. The Heavy had the Stock Minigun and his precious Sandvich for long range high-damage, along with access to good healing to quickly get back into the fight. The Engineer had equipped the Stock Wrench to repair his buildings faster and the Wrangler to get more damage out as well as shoot Merasmus from long range. The Medic had his Stock Medigun to have access to Übercharge if they needed to show Merasmus his place along with the Crusader's Crossbow to allow him to quickly heal teammates from afar, and maybe annoy Merasmus a bit. The Sniper had equipped the Sydney Sleeper and Jarate, less for his own benefit, but more for supporting both teams in taking down Merasmus. The Spy had equipped his Ambassador to be able to get headshots to get more damage in, and equipped the Spycicle to offset any burn Merasmus might give him.

The BLU team was focused mainly on offensive capabilities and high-mobility weapons that allowed them to chase Merasmus down. The Scout had equipped his Baby Face's Blaster to be able to chase down Merasmus if he tried to run away. He also equipped the Winger to offset his double-jump disability. The Soldier had equipped his Direct Hit along with the Gunboats for a good combination of high damage and high mobility, and the Soldier also equipped the Market Garden, just in case. The Demoman had equipped his Grenade Launcher and Stickybomb Launcher for quick, high-damage stickies and reliable pills that were good in pretty much any situation. The Heavy had equipped the Tomislav and Second Banana for quick spin-up time and a more reliable healing item that allowed for greater risk and even greater reward. The Engineer had equipped the Gunslinger and stuck with the Stock Shotgun and Pistol for good overall damage. The Medic had equipped his Kritzkrieg for quick and extremely powerful Übercharges that would whittle down Merasmus fast. The Sniper had equipped his Stock Sniper Rifle and his Cozy Camper so he could get consistent headshots on the wizard. The Spy had equipped the Dead Ringer and was carrying the Spycicle and Ambassador for previous reasons.

Together, these teams surrounded the (for some reason) sleeping Merasmus. Each team waited for Übercharge and their upgraded buildings to go to war. Each team was really excited to finally have some fun. The RED Engineer aimed he Wrangler straight at the sleeping Merasmus. In that moment, Merasmus opened his eyes and looked at the laser aimed right at his forehead.

As he saw this, the Engineer knew the battle had begun. He yelled out to all of his teammates, giving them the sign.