You know the roblox game project lazarus? Well now you have a story about it!
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- Member Since 10th Mar, 2020
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
Nightmare_Me
I like SCP, FNAF, Mlp, BaTIM, D&D and Undertale. I use Grammarly a lot and I am solo author with 1 crossover so far.
Nightmare_Me
Joined 10th Mar, 2020 ·
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Never in my life did i think i would see a fic based of a roblox game
Why
10467155
10467023
I did it because no one did it before.
10467597
And it should've remained that way.
10467998
if you dont like it then dont read it.
10468494
Too late. I can respect the craft but maybe check your spelling before publishing it.
10469109
Thought I did.
Never played this game but I do play Roblox. Picturing the story, it does sound like a good story. A run-of-the-mill zombie apocalypse except they're playing one instead of being in it. However, just like my zombie apocalypse fic, there are some problems. First, there are some capitalization errors. Not a huge problem but still an error. And another problem is something I had in my first fimfic story.
"Help me get this door open! I am too beautiful to die" yelled Rarity.
"Still the drama queen," said Fluttershy a bit louder than she wanted to.
"Don't argue! there is a zombie invasion and all you can think is to argue?!?!" said Twilight.
"......." said both Rarity and Fluttershy dipping their heads in shame.
Notice something going on with the dialogue? My point is that you don't have to put "said" or "yelled" or anything similar after every quote of dialogue. That is more of a sometimes thing. I know that you're trying to make it clear to which character is talking but there is a better way to write it out. You get what I'm saying? All in all, this is a good story. It just has some careless mistakes
10879769
But can you tell me what to do instead?
10880497
Right. So on my first story, the dialogue went along the lines of this:
(Example from my story)
"We need to do something," said Pony A.
"You're right, we should get going," stated Pony B.
"I'm a crazy party pony," screamed Pinkie.
Just like how I said with yours, there's a verb after every statement. A way to get around this is to do something like this
(Also example from my story)
"We need to do something!" cried Pony A.
"You're right! We should get going."
Pinkie bounced along behind the other two as they fled. "I'm a crazy party pony!"
PS, there are times where I still do the first example so yeah...
10880974
But then how do you know which pony is talking?
P.S You know and I know because you showed me. But how do your viewers know?
10881832
knowing that you have lots of characters in your story, it's kinda tough. i'll just show a random section of your story and rewrite it. dk if that helps but whatever.
Here's a random section of your story:
"Hurry up Twi, They are getting through," said Rainbow Dash.
"We are trying Rainbow Dash!" said Twilight.
"Found the Guns! said Pinkie Pie unblocking the doorway which held some guns behind it.
And here's how I rewrote it:
"Hurry up Twi! They are getting through!" cried Rainbow Dash.
"We are trying Rainbow Dash!"
Pinkie Pie unblocked the doorway which had some guns behind it. "Found the guns!"
Notice how I didn't put "said Twilight" after the second line of dialogue? That's because the reader uses their common sense, knowing that Rainbow is talking to Twilight. Though I will say there are exceptions since most of the lines have a new character talking every new line
10883113
Ah, now I understand. Thank you very much for showing me a better way for writing dialogue!