A MLP crossover with the warhammer 40k universe. The lead of the story is Trixie and the story details her time in ponyville rooting out the cult of nightmares.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 27th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 4th, 2012
Vect
I enjoy warhammer 40k and mlp, so rather than choosing between them I write fics involving both.
Vect
Joined 27th Aug, 2012 ·
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It looks good, and will there be space marines?
1173986
There will be their pony incarnation yes
Loose the astrix * you don't need them for portraying action of a scene.
And its a little confusing switching to third person to first.
Also run on sentences, there are many.
For instance...
'I immediately expected her of being possesed by a demonic entity and swiftly unsheathed my sword when she stopped and quickly proclaimed in a rather alarmed tone that we both needed to get moving.
Using adjectives like swiftly and quickly need to be placed in shorter sentences as they loose there effect in a long one.
Eg.
I immediately expected her of being possesed by a demonic entity.a
Swiftly, I unsheathed my sword and quickly proclaimed in an alarming tone, that we both needed to get moving.
1174301
Yeah i do need to re read it, but where have i switched from first to third apart from during the video scene, i tried to keep it consnant.
I've... read worse, I suppose.
The video recording could be better formatted; the asterisks are annoying. Maybe italics or something.
Characterization is pretty weak. Canonically, Trixie talks in the third person. I can see eschewing that in first person narration, but she should at least do it in conversation. I mean, why would you pick a character for you story, and then ignore perhaps the most prominent, recognizable thing about her?
The introductory paragraph is awkward. There's no pressing reason for a character to just blurt out a bunch of facts about themselves at once. Also, she says her own last name is "silvermoon," while the daemon calls her "Lunastar." Hasbro gave her an official last name of "Lunamoon."
Ave Imperatrix Celestialis.
1178820
I've... read worse, I suppose.
Hardly neccesary, people like it.
The video recording could be better formatted; the asterisks are annoying. Maybe italics or something.
Perhaps you're right, i will change it at some point.
Characterization is pretty weak. Canonically, Trixie talks in the third person. I can see eschewing that in first person narration, but she should at least do it in conversation. I mean, why would you pick a character for you story, and then ignore perhaps the most prominent, recognizable thing about her?
I was trying to show her as having grown up past the stage where she felt the need to be so egotistical, and i chose her because i wanted a pony with a good background without having to make one up
The introductory paragraph is awkward. There's no pressing reason for a character to just blurt out a bunch of facts about themselves at once. Also, she says her own last name is "silvermoon," while the daemon calls her "Lunastar." Hasbro gave her an official last name of "Lunamoon."
Yeah i could have done better with that
Ave Imperatrix Celestialis.