Sleeping with Mares: Twilight Sparkle
The Stars Revolt!
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.
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And a magical interlude...
There was nothing quite like a turkey sandwich, kettle cooked chips, and an ice cold apple cider after a hard day’s work in the hot sun. I leaned back in my chair on my porch, and just looked out at Ponyville’s rustic splendor. Ponies going about their business, working or enjoying themselves. I smiled and leaned back, the shade of my large umbrella keeping me protected from the midday sun.
It was a picturesque, perfect scene, with just the right number of clouds overhead to set off the bright blue sky. I sighed, kicking my foot up and down like a kid. These peaceful moments just really made me feel wonderful.
A bush rustled nearby. I looked over at it, momentarily startled. I frowned, then shrugged. I looked back out at the scenery, and sipped on my cider. Probably just a rabbit or-
“Subject is enjoying his cider, cannot determine temperature,” a familiar voice muttered from the bush. I looked over at it, and no more noise emanated from the bush. I looked over at Ponyville again, and sighed.
“Knew it was too good to last,” I muttered under my breath. I took a deep breath, and a little louder, said, “Well, guess I’ll go back inside and get more cider. I’ll be right back!”
I got up, opened the door, and went inside. I then quickly ran to the back door, opened it, and crept around to the other side of my house. The bush was muttering again, and the sounds of a quill scratching against paper was audible.
Yeah, I know. Who could possibly fall for a corny line like that?
I pounced on the bush, and grabbed the occupant. She squealed, and struggled as I held her tightly against me. I looked down at her, and raised an eyebrow.
“Twilight Sparkle?” I asked in disbelief. I looked in the bush: It was filled with notebooks, guidebooks, pencils, quills, binoculars, and plenty of other scientific tools. I looked back at the blushing mare, who was intensely studying her hooves.
“Dare I ask what you’re doing spying on me outside my house?” I asked. Twilight frowned.
“Isn’t that a rhetorical question? Since you already asked what I’m doing here-”
“You go Grammar Nazi on me and I’ll throw you into the lake,” I warned her.
“What’s a Nazi?” Twilight asked.
I sighed, and closed my eyes. Calm down, calm down…
“Why are you spying on me?” I asked, slow and clear. Twilight blushed harder, and tapped her forehooves together.
“I-I’m not spying!” She insisted. “I’m observing. I mean, after all Shepherd, you are an alien!” She poked me in the chest. “And while Princess Celestia’s doctors did a basic physical of you, there’s still so much we don’t know about humans! And their behavior!”
I let out a long sigh. I shook my head. “You could just ask,” I pointed out. Twilight frowned.
“But that would defeat the purpose of scientific observation: To see you when you are behaving naturally and unaware for proper test… Um…” Twilight winced at my glare. “I’m making this worse, aren’t I?”
“Infinitely,” I deadpanned. Twilight put her hooves together and looked up at me with her soulful eyes.
“I’m sorry Shepherd,” she insisted, “but I just want to know about you! You’re an alien! I can’t believe nopony else in this town sees that as strange!”
“They did, at first,” I pointed out, “but they got used to me.”
Twilight grimaced. She closed her eyes, and huffed through her nostrils. She then opened her eyes and smiled.
“Listen,” she said, “how about instead of spying on you, I just ask you questions about your world? More indepth questions? Would that be all right?”
I stared at her. The little unicorn was very able at looking cute. And really, she didn’t mean any harm. She was studying friendship in a world where friendship could be turned into a death ray, and I was an alien being. I thought it over a bit longer, before I nodded.
“All right,” I said. “Come on in. Bring your notebooks.”
Twilight squealed happily, leaping out of my arms and collecting all of her equipment. She practically teleported right up to my door. She beamed at me expectantly.
I was already having second thoughts, but come on. I was also a nerd at heart, and if our positions were reversed of course I’d want to know everything I could about a real, live alien!
I opened the door for her and waved her inside. She pranced over to the table, and sat in one of the chairs. I closed the door behind me and sat in the opposing chair. I rested my elbows on the table, as Twilight arranged all of her notebooks and equipment neatly around her. She settled into the chair and smiled happily.
“Comfortable?” She asked. I nodded, even as she levitated a glowing crystal ball near me. I raised my eyebrow.
“And that is?” I asked.
“A memory orb,” Twilight said, “it’ll record everything you say. I don’t want to miss a second!”
I held back a sigh. Again, put yourself in her hooves. You’d be just as excited to meet a being from another world. Or universe. You hadn’t figured that out yet, though Princess Celestia promised her researchers were working on it.
“All right,” I said. “What would you like to know?”
“Well,” Twilight said cheerfully, “how far back does the history of your world go?”
I paused, and thought about it.
“Depends on what kind of history you’re asking about, I guess,” I said. “I mean, there’s recorded history which goes back about 6,000 years. When we developed civilization. Then there’s the history of my species, called Homo sapiens, which goes back about 500,000 years. Then there’s the natural history of my planet, Earth, which is around 4 and a half billion years old…”
I scratched the back of my head. “And if I’m from another universe, then I suppose it goes back 13.6 billion years…”
I volunteered in the space section of a local natural history museum for years. A lot of stuff tends to stick with you. I looked back at Twilight, away from my memories.
The purple unicorn’s jaw had dropped, and her eyes were glazed. She looked like she was drooling. I smiled, a bit uneasily.
“So, where should I start?” I asked.
“The beginning of the universe!” Twilight cried, leaning forward. I coughed, and felt like tugging at my collar. I took another deep breath.
Again, put yourself in her hooves. Her species hadn’t even gotten into space yet, of course this is exciting to them.
“All right,” I began, “based on our observations with telescopes starting about a hundred years ago, two astronomers named Georges Lemaître and Edwin Hubble noticed that almost all galaxies we could observe seemed to be getting further away from ours. Lemaître theorized that the only way this could happen is that the universe started out much smaller than it is now. It started in an event called the “Big Bang”, all of spacetime expanding from a single point. Eventually, more modern telescopes found weird radiation all across the universe, dated far, far back in the past. This was called the Cosmic Background Radiation, and it was discovered that it was radiation from the early universe-Basically, when light particles were first able to escape from the concentrated mass of the early, small universe. That proved that the Big Bang was probably how the universe began-”
“What happened before the Big Bang though?” Twilight asked. I shook my head and shrugged.
“No one knows. We can’t see back past that point, because no light could escape the universe past that point. Many humans believe a deity created the universe, but again, we’ll probably never know for sure.”
“Continue,” Twilight said, enraptured. It was a struggle to remember all this, but hey: I had a captive audience. It was nice to talk about home with someone genuinely interested in it, for a little while.
Several hours later…
I sipped my glass of water, but it didn’t seem to help my lips much. They were dry like desert sands, just soaking up the soil but not giving anything back. My back was sore, my knees ached.
“And so,” I managed, “there is still a great deal of debate in the scientific community over how much of an influence our use of fossil fuels has had over the climate since the Little Ice Age. We remain in an interglacial period but how long it’ll last is again, a big question. Many countries are working to transition to renewable energies while others are embracing fossil fuels to elevate their populations’ quality of life, so there’s that aspect to the debate as well.”
I was trying to present as neutral a view of our planet as possible without getting into our stupid politics. Sue me.
I rubbed my temples as Twilight eagerly took lots of notes, notes for her notes, and notes for her note notes. Notes.
I looked up at the clock. Yup, it was an all nighter. Again.
“And how does this relate to solar activity periods?” She asked eagerly. I groaned and rubbed my closed eyes.
“Nngh… We may be entering a Maunder Minimum solar spot cycle which may influence the climate on Earth. Though how much it does compared to fossil fuel use or volcanic activity is also a big question... “ I stood up and slowly made my way to bed. Twilight appeared right in front of me, her notebooks and pens still at the ready.
“Wha-Where are you going?” Twilight cried. “We’re not done! We’ve barely scratched the surface of your planet’s history!”
“Twilight,” I said, getting annoyed.
“That’s all just the natural history-There’s so much about the dinosaurs you didn’t relate-”
“Twilight,” I growled warningly. Twilight continued, advancing on me.
“And those details about glaciation-You have to tell me more-!”
“TWILIGHT!” I barked, and I made her jump.
I sighed, and again steeled myself. “Twilight, we’ve been talking all day. It’s late, and we both need to be up early in the morning. So let’s go sleep, please?”
“I… Oh,” Twilight murmured, looking at her hooves. She levitated her equipment over to the table, looking remorseful.
“I’m sorry Shepherd,” she said. “I just… I got lost in learning so much.”
I gave her a small, tired smile. I pulled her into a hug, which made her squeak.
“It’s okay,” I said, “it’s okay. But let’s have some moderation, all right? I’m not going anywhere.”
Twilight nuzzled my shoulder.
“Okay,” she mumbled. She blushed and looked up at me. “Um… If it isn’t too much trouble? I mean, my library is on the other side of town, and I am right here, and um, well-”
I sighed. I carried her into the bedroom, and tossed her onto the bed. She squeaked, and began mumbling.
“N-No, I mean, I meant the couch! I could sleep on the couch, we-we don’t have to-to-I-I mean-!”
I pulled off my clothes, stripping down to my boxers that Rarity had custom made for me. They were very comfortable. I pulled the covers down, and slid in. I tucked Twilight in under the sheets, even as she squirmed and babbled and blushed.
“N-No! No, I mean, not that I want to-I mean I do want to-I mean, I’ve thought of it-This is all so sudden-Maybe-Maybe a date first-?”
“Twilight, shut up,” I muttered as I hugged her, “and go to sleep.”
“Oh… O-Okay,” Twilight murmured. She snuggled up to me, and I sighed in relief.
Finally. I could sleep. And I did. And with a nice, warm, cuddly and silent pony to cuddle with, I had good dreams.
The next morning…
I groaned. Celestia’s sun always seemed to know just how to hit the blinds across my window to wake me up. I stretched, and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I leaned up, and got to my feet. I padded across the floor to the bathroom, where I started the water and began to get ready for the day.
I had just finished brushing my teeth and spitting when Twilight teleported in.
“Shepherd!” She cried. I jumped and spun around, glaring.
“TWILIGHT! Don’t DO that!” I shouted. The unicorn blushed, and pulled back.
“I’m sorry! Sorry!” She cried. She turned around and looked out the window. I shoved her out of my bedroom, pushing her despite her protests. “But-But I need to tell you-!”
“It can wait,” I decided, as I shut the door hard behind her. I sighed, pulled on my clothes, and then I came out of my bedroom. Twilight was waiting for me on the couch, looking bashful. I went to the kitchen and got some cereal and milk. I ate it, unhurriedly, as Twilight looked over at me. She opened her mouth, but I held up a finger for her to wait. Mercifully, she obeyed, staying quiet.
I finished my breakfast and juice, and then I walked over to the couch. I sat across from her, and took a deep breath.
“Thank you for waiting,” I said. Twilight winced.
“I’m sorry, again,” she said. “Can you forgive me?” I sighed, and reached out to scratch her behind her ears. She immediately groaned happily. “Oh… Is-Is that a yes?”
“It is,” I said with a smile. “Okay, now: What is it?”
“Thank you for telling me so much about your world,” Twilight said with a nod, “and again, I’m really sorry for going overboard. You’re right: I shouldn’t treat you like a test subject.”
I nodded back to her. “Thank you,” I said, “I appreciate that.”
Twilight beamed as I scratched her scalp a bit harder.
“And-And I sent a friendship letter to Princess Celestia about it,” she said, “explaining how I shouldn’t let my curiosity overcome our friendship.”
I nodded. “Sounds like it was a good letter,” I stated. Twilight nodded happily.
“Yes! And I told her about how you let me sleep with you and how wonderful it was!”
I blinked. I blinked again. “I see,” I began.
Well, come on. Surely Princess Celestia can tell the difference between sleeping with and sleeping with. She’s thousands of years old, after all. She’s been around the block. She wouldn’t take it the wrong way-
“And she even gave me a helpful book!” Twilight said cheerfully, blushing hard as she held the book up. “I haven’t opened it yet, because she said we should read it together!”
“The Pony Sutra,” I read blandly. I sighed.
Either the princess was taking it seriously or pranking us.
Either away? I was probably screwed...
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10345964
I never claimed to be a poet, or lyricist, I'm afraid. But thank you.
Gotta troll her back now.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
Thank you for the book. Twilight and I read it together and thoroughly used every suggested position. Twilight is more flexible than you would imagine. Naturally I needed to introduce her to my human forms of intimacy and that lasted several more hours. In all it was a tiring and fulfilling experience. Unfortunately the house has suffered irrepairable amounts of damage and is a total loss. Since no contractor would go near the building due to the smell we felt it best to cleanse it with fire in a loving funeral pyre. Thankfully for all Ponyville was up wind of the blaze and suffered no damage.
Yours truely,
Andrew Shepherd"
great chapter!!!
10347013
That is a funny thing he could do though!! XD
Smart.
She probably figured it out and debated as to which one would be funnier, then decided to send that book in anyway.
10346968
That's fair enough, I suppose, it's just a bit of a pet peeve of mine.
That said, I was going to make a joke that I'm "for hire as a freelance meterizer" but, actually, if you like, I could take the rhymes here and try to wrangle them into proper iambic tetrameter. I won't impose such a service on you, of course, but I wouldn't mind giving it a shot.
10347369
If you'd like to, go ahead. I'd appreciate it.
I am only mad that I had only just discovered this and the story this is the seequal of.
“You want the history of the universe and my planet?”
“Alright, I got like a minute and a half before I’m going paint balling with the guys, let’s do this...
Why does everyone brush their teeth before breakfast? You should after, to remove its remains. Brushing the clean ones is redundant.
Glad to see an update my dude. Still kind of wondering about the evil deer though. Other than that, glad to see you back.
The Pony Sutra? Really?
... considering it’d come from the Saddle Arabian deserts, I am surprised it is not called The Kamel Sutra.
10348847
10348028
Mainly because I'm already in the bathroom and the Toothbrush is there in it's glass.
But also there is this weird taste in my mouth and it makes my coffee taste like it's not coffee, in a bad way. ...
Best chapter so far, save the very end.
Identity death is just regular death plus repurposing the corpse.
You know, Andrew, she might have actually teleported, that's a thing she can do, and does in a later scene.
Absoluty Priceless humor
Working trough the Ponysutra would be quite the work out.
Trollestia strikes again ♡
A neutral point of view? Im surprised you felt like using it. Pretty sure most countries and the scientific community already recognize human emissions as the major cause of the current global climate change, aside from ones under the influence of fossil fuel lobbyists.
I expected a safe sex paper instruction...
The puns and innuendo level is over 9♡♡♡!
Working through the Kamasutra, great work out