I blinked.
"Sorry... what?"
"You heard me," Cherylis said. "My father was the man that kept you for weeks."
"How do you even know?" I ask.
"He... texted me a photo of you. You seemed miserable. Why couldn't you escape? You have magic."
"I didn't know magic, and I doubted I'd get hurt without any major scratches."
"Well... *sigh*... I still felt bad for you. Look, I've hated My Little Pony... but I felt sympathy. When I got in my car a few days later and tried to get to you to see for myself, I suddenly saw a bright light, and now I'm here."
"Do you even understand how sick that man was? He chased away my friends for trying to save me. Granted, he couldn't understand a word I said... but it was obvious I wanted freedom, and a good man would set a miserable skinny animal free."
"He only cares about money..." Cherylis muttered.
"I mean, I feel upset that your father made me miserable," I reply. "But you are also not him. You're his daughter, but that's it. And even though you hated MLP, you said it yourself that you feel bad."
"So... no hard feelings?" Cherylis said, hopeful that I would be on good terms with her.
"Don't push it, pal..." I mutter. "I don't 100% blame-you-for-everything hate you, but if you don't want me to hold a grudge against you or your family, it's best that you don't make my life harder than it already it was."
I walked past her, bumping her on purpose on the way out.
I never thought that I would feel this way to someone or their family. Just saying.
I ventured through the halls, before I came across Shining.
"Hey," he greeted.
"Hi," I reply. "How are Kenny and Frederick doing?"
"They're having lunch. I had some food made for you. Do daisy sandwiches sound appetizing?"
"As a human, I'd say no, but considering my pony form I guess I have no choice in the matter."
Before any of you ask if I'm going tell Shining I eat meat, I'd rather wait on that moment in the plot.
"Could you maybe-" I began.
"-lead you to the dining room?" Shining finishes for me. "Sure. Right this way..."
Dining room...
I've never seen the Crystal Empire dining room. That, or I just don't remember. Either way, it was a big room. Big table, too. It was pretty much what I expected since this is a dining room of royalty.
I took my seat in the spot Cadance usually sits.
None of the human-turned-villains were here. I was told by Shining on the way here that they'd be escorted here by a few of the guards.
It only took a few minutes before they started coming in. First came Cozy/Kenny (Kenzy), then Tirek/Fredrick (Tirick), and then last but not least, Cherylis, who gave me an awkward smile that I simply ignored.
I sighed.
"This is going to be a long night..."
Later...
Not much happened after dinner. I wasn't sure what the human-turned-villains did, though one thing for certain was that they were being closely watched. Although they proved themselves innocent, anything can happen, whether the original villains take control, or they somehow weeded the thoughts right out of my mind to create fibs. I personally believe them, but again... anything can happen.
I spent a good chunk of my time after dinner sitting on the throne. Books were brought to me to pass time, but half of them weren't to interesting. I considered asking for comic books, but I decided to hold off.
Eventually, little Flurry came along and wanted me to watch her play with toys. I, being a softhearted person trying to stay in character for the sake of this kid, agreed.
So I went over to her room and watched her roleplay with stuffed animals and dolls. I had to admit, it was cute. Soon, she wanted me to join. Again, I accepted.
"...and so the brave knight Thir-Bearington went out to save the pretty Princeth..."
Oh yeah, she's missing a tooth. Kids grow up so fast. She gets an occasional lisp. Kinda cute.
I cleared my throat and did my best fake voice.
"Alas, I shall go out, and save my beloved from the-"
I turned my head and paused. There, in the corner, was Shadow Cadence. She was watching us. I could see her blank white eyes curved in a manner that expresses sadness.
"Excuse me, Flurry... mommy needs to get some water."
"But moooom..." she whined, disappointed that I was leaving as soon as I got started.
"Keep up a good attitude, and you can have some ice cream when we're done playing," I calmly promised.
That immediately cheered her up.
I stood up and left the room. Considering our minds were linked, I could tell Shadow Cadance knew I wanted to talk to her.
I left Flurry's room and went down the hall, before entering in a random room that I knew wasn't occupied.
"So... I can see you're back."
The shadow nodded.
I was silent.
"You miss them..." I began. "Don't you?"
Another nod.
I pondered. Then remembered what happened earlier today. When I was no longer in control. I remembered that it was her. If she somehow took control of my body, then I figured that she could do it again.
"I know what you did earlier... taking control of my voice earlier..." I spoke. "You really saved my skin. Thank you."
Cadance did an 'aw shucks' motion with her hoof.
"Hey... if you did it earlier today... why not do it again? For the rest of the night?"
Cadance looked around the room, before she found what she was looking for... a notepad and a pen.
"That was convenient for you..." I mutter.
She wrote, and wrote, and wrote. It felt like it was taking forever for her to finish and hand it over to me.
I read.
I suppose. It's a complicated spell, and one of the only ones I know how to use in your head. I will mention that I doubt the villains know how to use it, so there is no worry for them escaping and regaining very brief control. Let me return to the topic and explain what I mean for brief control... when I took control earlier, I didn't get your consent. When I don't get your consent, it's for a very short amount of time. However, if I do have your permission, I will remain in control either until midnight, or until you want to be in control again. When midnight comes, you will be in control again, and I won't be able to regain control until I return as this in the evening.
"Seems like you know your stuff."
Cadance nodded.
"Alright..." I took a step back. "Let the process begin."
Cadance clapped her hooves in excitement before she suddenly took a huge leap in the air and dove for me. Once she made contact, I suddenly felt like I was launched backwards. My body backflipped before landing on the floor.
And for a moment, everything was dark, before I heard a blurry voice.
"Are you ok?"
I slowly opened my eyes, and everything was different. Not only was I now in the hallway (I guess Shadows go through walls), but Princess Cadance's eyes were staring into mine.
It worked... I said in my head.
"It worked!" Cadance repeated for me.
Oh, right... I guess we can't mentally hear each other if one of us is a shadow.
She squealed in happiness.
"Thank you!" she exclaimed.
I gave a thumbs up, feeling weird when seeing my arms being composed of shadow.
"Do you need this?" she held a couple things out. The notepad and pen.
I held out my hands and took the items. I wrote, and I had Cadance's attention.
I wrote:
No problem. And thanks for mentioning the villains... it eases some of my worries. Just do me a favor and sleep on a couch or sofa or something. I feel like I’d feel weird if I woke up in your bed with him...
I handed over the notepad. Cadance took it and nodded.
"You have my promise. You can retreat into my- or our mind if you feel like it. Just touch my forehead. One more thing: you do have the ability to block off my thoughts."
I gave another thumbs up and immediately reached out my arm and touched the base of her horn. I suddenly felt like I was sucked into a vortex.
But only for a second. When that feeling was gone, I was floating. In nothing but a black void, just like any other fanfiction with this premise.
I looked at my hands. I was no longer a shadow. I was myself... but still 2D.
"Hello?" I say.
My voice was back too.
I can't believe I'm back... I heard Cadance's voice. I'm going to make the most out of this in any way I-
I snapped my fingers with the intent of blocking off her thoughts. I didn't really know if snapping my fingers (poorly) would do anything. But it did, because just then, everything was silent.
I decided to see what else I could do. I snapped my fingers again, and I was suddenly back into one of my old bedrooms.
"Cool..." I grin. I contemplated on abusing my power, and eventually I went for it. So for a while, I'd be playing my made-up phone, with my made-up TV on, and with my room decorated by all the items that I own, or wanted and didn't own.
That was how it went. And soon, when the time came, I immediately felt tired. I couldn't tell if it was Cadance's tiredness causing mine, or if it was completely on it's own. But either way, I decided it was finally time to turn in for the night. So with the snap of my fingers, the lights were off, my devices were off, I was in pajamas, and I was under my covers, safe and sound.
And out of all the concepts of what it would be like inside a mind-scape, I was damn lucky this was the true one.
maby his frends will get put with the other alicorns
How is a little girl/filly playing with toys cringe worthy? I just dropped this.
My. Ps FINALLY!!!!!
10502757
10502781
Fixed those errors, and changed the sentence.
Wait... if Cadance became a shadow... what would happened to those original villains?
10502948
Most likely in the same place Cadence was before Twilight used her magic. Which is wedged deep inside their sub-conscious. Unless one of them has a strong mind or strong sense of self, they going to be staying there for quite some time.
An interesting little chapter. Glad to see another chapter was uploaded.
Glad to see another chapter after several months of production.
The only thing I can think of is that is seems very unfair and cruel for the other three to have to change their names and identities because of what happened. The people they're replacing are all evil and would get rid of them if they had the chance, so changing who they are and identifying as them or being treated like they're the villians in question seems like q bad idea. Specifically to go and change someone's name to the same as some other person, especially someone they shouldn't want to be.
10504927
They don't have their names changed. I only call them their new names for the heck of it. So far, their names are in the clear for others. Just saying this to clarify,
An interesting story i am liking it.
Just FYI (at least in my opinion) the universe of FIM does not take place on a 2d plane.
We from a 3d plane, experience the show ON a 2d plane(flat, or near flat surface screen) . But the characters from the show have been observed moving and looking in X,Y,Z, axies.
sorry, more bugged about this than I have right to be...
Enjoying the story btw.
10507210
I believe that it was just referring to the shadow, as shadows are only (conventionally) visible in the 2d area on the 3d objects they are cast upon.
10507778
Hmm... hadn’t considered him being a shadow when making that comment. Good point.
2D? But earlier you had Cadance very clearly being 3D with her shadow. What's the difference now?
Really, the biggest problem with this fic is that it has no soul. It feels like someone made a list of events and Things That Will Happen and is just shoving things into place to match the narrative. Everyone is dumb as rocks unless the plot demands them to be unexpectedly genius with a clever spell or discovery.
We feel like you could use a muse to help bounce ideas off of and really flesh out your story. While it's good to hold some cards close to your chest, it's not so good for there to be almost no cards showing anyways. Having Leo immediately give up escaping was the first time we felt that something was wrong. "oh, I can't crawl under a barbed-wire gate because I might get scratched a bit. This task is now insurmountable and I am at a loss." like, what?! What is more important, your life or some small scrapes? You've already seen some of our complaints about the rest. Everyone seems so half witted. Do they not really care? Does what is happening to them not matter?
We encourage you to think less in terms of what event should happen next, and more in terms of what the character will do because of what they desire. This means everyone, but not just the one you're narrating. Every character wants something, even your plot driver magic chaos pearl. Having them act more naturally will let the story flow better as opposed to moving along because it's time to do so.
For example, why did Twilight build a staircase directly to the dungeon? Not only is such a passage going to weaken the defensive nature of the facility, but it's capricious to the point that it felt like the plot wanted an excuse not to have Cadance and co walk through the castle proper to get there. It would have been better for them to have walked through the halls, overhearing some gossip about the escapees from castle staff perhaps, or building up some nervousness in Cadance. But nope, we got a "they walked down the steps and were there" moment. Not to mention apparently the cell bars are soundproof, why did Twilight and Shining need to verify authenticity when they should have heard the nonsense the three suspects were spouting?
Almost literally every scene has us scratching our head in confusion with the mantra "why are they doing this?" on repeat.
TLDR: look, you seem to be enjoying writing this, so we encourage you to continue doing so. But please try to seek someone (or perhaps several someones) to help ensure things make sense naturally, instead of requiring you to constantly reply to people "that will be revealed later". If the only thing people are left with are questions, they're just going to be confused.
10533336
I do agree that this story isn’t great. I wasn’t even as excited about it reaching a milestone of 100 (it was the first one to reach that goal too) as I was about a different story I wrote. Point is, I’m not as proud of it as I am about my very first successful story.
However, very recently and after reading these comments, I’ve devised a plan that kind of makes sense, and maybe doesn’t, and will make the whole issue with the characters part of the story. I may also call on some fans of the story to give the first ten-or-so chapters a soft reboot, to which they’re better, but still follows what’s trying to be set up and keeps specific elements (the horse trailer and the whole bit that results in Leo being knocked out and brought to Equestria. Many others too.) I may call upon that once I put my previously-mentioned-plan in motion. I’m not sure if I’ll call for a reboot to the Equestria part of the story, though I do feel I can fix errors in that part of the story myself.
10533369
Yes, the premise and concepts are fine, just the execution is a little haphazard. Simply expanding it and covering out the many many plotholes will go a long way.