Hi Im dillon a super brony who is super in love with the show and everything about the fandom and im here to creat my own lovely stories romance ones life adventure and many more yay me
As I describe my day to day experiances as a brony and I learn to accept myself, I put myself into a grand story of adventure and romance. Living in pony vill, a colt named Gust Wing learns how to develop lasting friendships and along the way developes true happieness within himself. Follow him and his newly found friends as the magic of friendship is born within his heart.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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May I please have any real comments on the story not my title.....Please? Did you read it? or are you just a troll in equestria?
1133211 You misspelled Ponyville in your title. That is most certainly not a very good start. You also misspelled Prologue, which is again, not a good sign. There were many spelling errors in your synopsis alone, such as experiences, Ponyville again (but managed to do it differently by writing pony vill, how you did that I'll never know), develops, and happiness. I could have a field day with the actual story, but for the sake of time and my sanity, I'm not even going to bother. Also, just as a note, don't put chapter 0 before the prologue, it's just redundant.
And all of that was just the cover. Now, onto the story, though I'm afraid there isn't much I can say. You commit the godawful sin of writing a blatant self insert story. NEVER write a self insert, unless you really know what you're doing. To make matters worse, you switch from first person narrative to third in the synopsis, which is like a kick in the gut. It's just obvious self satisfaction. You know what, I think you have actually done everything wrong. Self insert, Mary Sue, self masturbatory, no foreseeable plot or conflict and poor grammar and spelling. Actually, you haven't done everything wrong. The only thing you could have done to make this worse was make yourself an alicorn. I wouldn't have even bothered to write a review if you did that.
I have to point something out, something that I feel NEEDS to be corrected. At the end of your prologue you give Author's Notes, and in them you say:
"Im sorry if my formating is weird and my grammer or spelling is off ill try my best to improve on it I mainly want input on story and plot as well as character development Thanks everypony! also in the next chaper and every chaper following i will include a short paragraph at the beggining with the short story of my brony life and biography thingy its short and wont interupt the main story so have a great day"
First of all, there was no period. Had to be said. More importantly, the first sentence disturbs me. Oh, you don't care as much about spelling and grammar? You want critiques on your story? How about you work on and fix your spelling and grammar before you submit your story! Seriously, they go hand-in-hand. Nothing breaks immersion like the brutal abuse of the English language. Get someone else to read and edit your story if you must. If people see that you misspelled your title or 'Prologue', then chances are they aren't even going to bother to read your story.
Secondly, the end of those notes just astound me. For the love of all creation, DO NOT DO THAT!!! Posting a paragraph about yourself before every chapter is so pretentious and self masturbatory that the very idea of it makes me want to puke. You would have taken self insert to a whole new level.
I feel as though I should say at least something good, and luckily for you, I can. Your grammar wasn't complete crap, you at least know the (very) basic rules. But that's all I can say, and it isn't much, just what was expected of you. I'm sure you probably think you were really unlucky to have such a harsh critic to review your story, and you're right, I am harsh and can be an asshole at times. But I think you're lucky. Sure, I'm harsh, but I'm reviewing your story. I wouldn't have even bothered if I didn't care. I honestly see a small glimmer of potential. With (a lot) of practice, I think you could be a good writer. Deep in this shitstorm of a story I see the foundations of a writer that could improve. You just need to throw away that desire to be popular that you reek of and start writing because you enjoy it. Surely you must have a story to tell.
Now, here is a little advice: ditch this story, because I'm afraid it's beyond saving. I know it's hard, but it's just the truth. You had a nice little thing going with that filly that needed a place to stay, so you could possibly save that and use it as a foundation, or whatever you want. I'd suggest making one-shots until you are comfortable enough with your writing ability to start longer projects. But that's just a suggestion, do whatever you like, because that is what's most important. Just remember to never give up, and you'll always improve. As the saying goes, "It doesn't matter how slow you walk, as long as you never stop walking." If you find yourself writing a story you're passionate about and need a prereader, let me know. If I'm not too busy, I might be able to edit it for you. Either way, good luck in whatever you choose to do.
Well......umm.Thanks actually. That is exactly what i needed to hear. I probably should have taken more time anyways. I was too excited to write, though I posted and didn't even peer edit or fix anything. I actually am in honors writing,but i guess my umm excitement was too much. I have never written fanfic before, and I loved what I have been reading. Anyways i'll take your advice and keep going. I already have fifty story ideas. I'll probably plan out a plot and rewrite this one anyways. Thanks, although you were harsh, you were also honest and I thank you very much.
Kinda reminds me of my first attempt at writing.
Don't worry and take your time with your next idea.
Keep at it!
1134054 Congratulations, your chances of becoming a good writer have become much brighter. Taking constructive criticism is the most important quality, or else you'll never improve. Keep at it, and don't worry, everybody has been where you are now.
Oh, and I noticed you were fairly new here, so here is a word of advice: click on those speech bubbles on the upper right of a comment to reply. If you don't, then the person you were talking to would never know that you replied. I just happened to assume that you replied but weren't aware of this. Took me a while to find this story.
1136739 Okie Dokie Lokie. Thanks, I have new hope and I will make my next story. I have three editors in line....just in case
Anyways, thank you for bringing me to reality.
1147262 Good to hear! It's easy to get carried away, especially when it comes to first stories. I accidently made my prologue over 70,000 words, and most of it was just semi-unusable brain dumping. But now I mostly have a problem with motivation, and still have yet to upload my first story, even though I have nearly 150,000 words of my combined stories (unedited and forgotten...).
Either way, I'm glad to know that you have editors now, and I'll keep a lookout for any of your future stories. Maybe next time I can give you a positive review, or even better, a watch.
Why cancel? Please, make it at least say Incomplete, so we can view it more and see if there's potential. Also, trolls, scram, get your food somewhere else, like YouTube.
Okay I set it to in complete for you n he ain't a troll just a critic