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Friendship Is Awesomes14,037 stories ·295 members

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LSParg

LSParg #1 · Dec 21st, 2019 · 1 · · A warm welcome ·

After reading the first chapter, I think it is a story with potential, but it could be better developed and there are a couple of things that I did not like but that I can ignore depending on how the following chapters are developed, first of all I think it would be Good idea to develop more characters, something like adding the feelings and thoughts of the characters would give them more depth and make the reader sympathize with them.
What I did not like, first was the initial reaction of the characters, the personalities of the characters (except scale that is an OC) do not correspond to how they would be expected to react taking into account the situation in which they They found before being transported to the castle of friendship, Bob and Ruby went through traumatic situations that would make them distrust others especially considering the appearance of Nemesis and Scale, for me, the most normal is that both get scared and Bob try to escape and Ruby asks mr. bubbles that I fight against both, but the only reaction I see is Bob's initial surprise
The second thing I didn't like was Twilight's reaction, she agreed to speak too quickly and I would expect either fear of the protagonists' appearance, or a great emotion to see new creatures that she has never seen or heard (or read)

LSParg

LSParg #2 · Dec 21st, 2019 · 1 · · A warm welcome ·

Having said that, I want to emphasize that the decision to modify the story is yours and only yours, my previous criticism was made with the idea of being able to improve the story, but if you like history like this you don't have to feel obligated to modify it , what I gave was an expression of my point of view, nothing more
but if you think it's necessary to modify the story and you need some advice, I'm here and you can count on my help

Technoweb

Technoweb #3 · Dec 21st, 2019 · · · A warm welcome ·

9997580
You I like you thanks for the idea

LSParg

LSParg #4 · Dec 21st, 2019 · · · A warm welcome ·

9997773
yur're welcome

Technoweb

Technoweb #5 · Dec 21st, 2019 · · · A warm welcome ·

9997857
I was planning can you do a deeper development for all the character to the next chapter

LSParg

LSParg #6 · Dec 22nd, 2019 · · · A warm welcome ·

9998127
The problem with that is that I don't know what personalities each character has, Scales is an oc, and all I know about her is that she doesn't like to fight, but that doesn't tell me very little about her, is she kind? distrustful? what does she like? He does not like? depending on her personality she will react differently to the situations in the story
Nemesis developed his own personality and the same thing happens with scales, I don't know what personality you want him to have because that will affect the development of the whole story.
Bob and Ruby are more defined characters but from what I saw in this chapter, their personalities are somewhat different from those of the games and I don't know how you changed them and everything I will do to develop them may be wrong and not match what they do later in the story

LSParg

LSParg #7 · Dec 22nd, 2019 · · · A warm welcome ·

If what you asked is if I can help you with character development, I can't do it personally for what I explained before but what I can do is give you advice on how to do it

Technoweb