Twilight's Got a Date!

by Gayle Softfeather

And Three Dates

“I’m going on a date with Zecora?!” Twilight exclaimed, back at the castle, still wearing a few casts and suspended in a telekinesis field.

“Seems like it.” Spike said, looking at the blackboard filled names of potential beings you could meet at 0200 in the Everfree Forest. Not many liked being in and among those trees at the best of times, so it was a pretty short list, made shorter after figuring out Twilight’s average determined but terrified creep and how far she could have gone. Spike scratched his scales, the annoying itch indicating that they were healing. His burns had mostly gone, so he just had a few bandages from the impact.

Discord, Daring Do, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and Zecora was the short list.

After asking Rainbow Dash, it seemed like Daring Do was undertaking an involved expedition of ancient Zebra ruins hundreds of miles away, and it would probably be hard for her to appear near Ponyville for a quick midnight walk.

Discord didn’t have the same limitations, Twilight wasn’t even sure if he couldn’t be in two entirely different places at once, but she was pretty sure that she would have remembered meeting the dracon-equus, and working through the logic if he had enchanted her not to remember the meeting but remember a date instead would rapidly lead to madness.

Spike helpfully pointed out that if Twilight had asked out any of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Rarity or Applejack would probably helpfully disembowel the princess, so that wasn’t very likely.

And thus…

“I can’t be going on a date with Zecora!” Twilight wailed.

“What? You’re both interested in… well, she’s interested in alchemy and you’re interested in… everything? Well, you’re probably the only two who would be interested enough in moss to go searching for it in the middle of the night.”

“It. Was. Lichen.”

Spike folded his arms. “I stand by my point.”

Twilight shook her head. “You don’t understand. I can’t go on a date with Zecora. Not I don’t want to. Look, Zebra culture has several levels of -”

Spike took the impromptu lecture break to tidy up the room and return the census, crime, and interests sheets to their appropriate filing cabinets. By the time he’d gotten back, Twilight was wrapping up her explanation, pointing enthusiastically to various portions of the board where she’d drawn an impromptu diagram of the relationship between political, social, economic, and cake baking castes in Zebra society.

“So, Zecora is not qualified, according to Zebra culture, to date anyone more than 2 deviations above her current social rank, weird hermit in the forest, which would mean the best she could do is mime artist, banjo player, or accountant. As a princess, it would be beyond insulting for me to date her.”

Spike looked between the board, Twilight’s wide slightly-twitching eyes, and about 3 chalk stick’s worth of detailed diagrams. He made a decision. “So, where were you planning on taking her? No no no, let me guess, the Manehattan Natural History Museum? I hear they have a new exhibit on the evolution of magical non-flowering shrubs.”

“They have a new exhibit on the Equisetum genus?” Twilight said, eyes lighting up. “But I still can’t-”

“And in the mail, there’s two tickets to the exhibition, along with a letter asking you to speak to schoolponies to encourage their learning, after the exhibit.”

Indecision was playing around Twilight’s face. She wanted to go, so badly.

“And it looks like they’re planning on opening an exhibit on Zebra native plants next month. Didn’t you say that you needed to do a deep dive into the subject at some point? And Zecora is probably one of the top experts in the field.”

“Spike… are you saying that we could have a... research... date?”

“What, me? No. I’m just saying that there’s a museum what wants you there, to teach and study one of your favorite topics, while also working with one of the most knowledgeable ponies – I mean zebras, sorry - in one of her main interests, but you could of course tell Zecora that it’s off and you can spend the next 18 hours helping Pinkie Pie eat unevenly baked cake.” Spike said, nonchalantly waving the two tickets in question.

Twilight was practically salivating at the cardboard rectangles, but one thing stopped her from accelerating as quickly as she could. “But I can’t just run off and grab Zecora. She could be doing anything.”

Spike was prepared for this. Magical letter sending was an underutilized talent.

“Hello, what is this? Do I sense something amiss?” A slightly accented rhyming couplet floated down the hallway.

“Zecora!” Twilight’s face broke into a grin, and she zoomed for the hallway, thankfully cleared of the flour now in Pinkie Pie’s cake.

“Twilight what happened to you? It looks like quite a snafu”

“Oh, this? It’s nothing. Would you like to go to the new exhibit in the Manehattan Natural History Museum? If that’s alright with you?”

“That sounds simply grand, I love to know more about this land. But isn’t Manehattan far away? I’m only packed for the day.”

“It’ll be fine, we can teleport!”

“Twilight, slow down, wait a few. I’m worried that I’ll sp-” Another bang of in rushing air and Twilight was in Manehattan.

Spike let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Giving Twilight the run around wasn’t exactly easy. With her attention to detail, the smallest thing could cause everything to fall apart. Still, that surprise party with Pinkie had been a useful learning experience, even if the accidental clues had led Twilight to suspect a revolt against the Crown.

This time the stakes were a little higher…

***

“I’ve called you all here for one very specific reason.” Spike said to the room at large, wearing a mustache and a blowing through a bubble pipe. “To stop Twilight from going insane and trying to kill me!” He put both hands on the head of the table, looking at the assembled ponies. They all had expressions ranging from distraught to angry.

“And trying to flood mah farm.”

“And flaking on a cage match between Discord and Maud!”

“Discord could have gotten hurt!”

“Discord?! Maud could have gotten hurt!”

“Now now girls, I will admit that Twilight has been a little erratic, but she just wants the best. We shouldn’t be talking behind her back like this.”

“What Twilight should want is more sleep. Instead she spends all her time running all over Equestria because the other princesses… I don’t know, have something approaching a work life balance? At least Celestia and Luna switch off every 12 hours, and Candace… has stress relief activities. Twilight tries to do everything. All the time.”

“What are you talking about? Doubling Twilight? Because the last time someone tried that...” Pinkie Pie slumped in her chair, nearly bought to tears by the memory.

“No, no, no. She’d probably end up creating an army and attempt to enforce proper organization on the world. But we need something, anything, that takes some of the load off.”

“Are you asking us to step up? Because I don’t think any of us can do much more to help.” Rarity said.

“Ah’ve opened four new fields this year.”

“The animal shelter needs so much love and care.”

“I’m touring three continents.”

“Umm… where’s Pinkie Pie?” Spike asked, looking to her seat.

The out of breath pony burst through the door. “Sorry, I need to switch cakes out of the oven every 23 minutes or I’ll get behind. Also, I’ve figured out a flourless cake, so party crisis adverted! What were you saying?”

“And I’m stuck keeping the castle in order.” The five ponies glared at him. “What? It’s not like I can… hire… a housekeeper...” Spike trailed off, then darted to the chalkboard that Twilight mandated be installed in every room. Just in case she had a thought that needed to be written down. “That’s it!”

“What? A housekeeper? What are you talking about?” Pinkie Pie asked, confused.

“I can just hire a housekeeper. And an archaeologist. And somepony to check up on Discord. And somepony to manage the watershed. Twilight’s a princess!”

“Yes, so?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Well, does Celestia personally direct traffic in Canterlot?”

“Well, duh, she has the guards do that.” Pinkie Pie said.

“So, why can’t Twilight do the same?”

“What? Ask Celestia for a batch of those unclothed ruffians?” Rarity asked, before blushing as everyone stared at her. “I forget that you weren’t at the Maripony military base fashion show. Their fatigues were simply dreadful and their manes… don’t get me started.”

“I wasn’t thinking guards, but why can’t Twilight hire everyone she needs to keep Equestria safe? Then she’d only need to go out when something really bad happens.”

“Like Discord?” said Applejack.

“Like Sombra?” said Rainbow Dash.

“And the Pony of Shadows?” quavered Fluttershy.

“Queen Chrysalis?” said Rarity.

“I’m surprised that we haven’t seen the windigos.” confessed Pinkie Pie.

“Ok, there have been a lot of really bad things, but she doesn’t need to spend all day digging holes in the desert to see if there’s a catastrophe that might be coming up.”

“So… Twilight should start her own private guard company? Fighting the foul first for a fee?” Rarity asked sarcastically.

“Well, she’s a princess, so I guess it would be a Ministry?” Spike replied.

“Bureaucracy?” Fluttershy asked.

“Agency?” Pinkie Pie wondered.

“Collective?” Applejack interjected.

“… I have no idea what any of you are saying.” Rainbow Dash confessed, head in hooves.

“Twilight’s been a princess, but she doesn’t have anyone to lead. Except us five.” Rarity replied.

“Ahem.”

“Six, of course. Sorry Spike.”

“Exactly! And I think I know exactly how to fix it.” Spike exclaimed.

The discussion went on through much of the night, and consumed multiple chalkboards with ideas, revisions, and corrections, as well as many letters sent to various important ponies.

***

“I had a great time, we’ve got to do something soon! Bye!” Twilight sang out as she trotted through the door. Or at least levitated her casts in such a way that they appeared to be jauntily trotting without actually touching the ground. “Oh, hi everyone. What’s up?”

Five ponies, and one dragon, were arrayed around a mobile blackboard.

“Ready?” Spike asked, pulling out a tuning whistle and a top hat, still wearing his mustache and pipe.

“No! no… no. It’s too late and I’ve done three songs about learning. Trying to figure out a rhyme on fly for Equisetum hyemale… was actually pretty easy, but splitting attention between levitation and singing gave me a headache.” Twilight said, facehoofing.

“Awww...” Everyone else said as one.

After a few seconds, Spike, still wearing the top hat, coughed and said “Well, we think we found a solution to your stress induced baldness.”

Twilight’s attention focused to a razor’s edge, while Rarity gasped.

“Oh Twilight, I didn’t realize this was such a trial for you. Spike, we simply must scrap the plan. I will make more hours in the day if Twilight is going through such horrors and I can help.”

“_{She tried to kill me, but that’s the limit?”} Spike muttered underneath his breath. “Well, let’s at least show her it before throwing everything out.” He flipped the blackboard over.

“We went through all of our adventures and tried to pick out general themes, then applied that to an bureaucratic structure, so it ought to be able to solve most of the crises that happen in Equestria, without your direct involvement.” Spike continued.

On the board was a simple organizational chart that hid a deep complexity. From Twilight were a number of direct subordinates who would oversee Magical Research, Exploration, Inter-species Relations, Pony Affairs, and Awesomeness. Awesomeness was a bit of a black box, but Rainbow Dash had very definite sound-effect-filled ideas on what exactly it would do.

Twilight’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”

“Twilight, dear, you need to cut back a tinsy bit on the whole saving Equestria thing.”

“But Equestria is always in danger!”

“This should help it, without making you stay awake for 3 days until your crash into a hillside.” Rainbow Dash replied, not meeting Twilight’s gaze.

“You’re replacing me?!”

“What? No! We’re just trying to keep you sane.” Spike replied, desperately. Twilight glared at the six in front of her, eyes twitching, horn randomly sparking, wings flared. She was confused, angry, and hurt.

“Ugh… I’m going to sleep after a bit of light reading. Bother me in the morning.” Twilight sulked out, heading for her bedroom.

“Do you think it worked?” Fluttershy asked after a moment.

“Well, she took the blackboard with her.” Said blackboard banging its way up the stairs could still be heard when the six took their leave.

***

Spike yawned and rubbed his eyes as he walked through the door.

“Oh, not again.” He groaned as he spotted a frazzle haired pony mainlining coffee.

“Spike! Great to see you.” Twilight bared her teeth, forcing a smile that didn’t touch her eyes.

“Hi Twilight. Get much sleep last night?”

“No, got distracted by the agency idea. You all put a lot of thought into it.”

“Yes…?” Spike trailed off, not sure where she was going.

“And I’ve decided that I’ll do it. We just need to make a few adjustments. I think the third undersecretary’s duties are already covered by the...” Spike tuned out the prattling pony and started preparing pancakes.

“... Oh, and you’ll be getting a promotion.”

“Eh, wha?” Spike said, turning in confusion while flipping said pancakes. One flipped onto the burner and started smoking.

“Yes, you’re going to be promoted from my number one assistant to my personal assistant!”

“Er, wha?” Spike said, confused.

“A personal assistant is somepony who manages another pony’s schedule and makes sure that they’re where and doing what they’re supposed to.”

“But I do that anyway?”

“Yes, but now we’ll be hiring a cook and a housekeeper and… well, I think I’ve been overworking you.”

“But I like cooking.” The confused dragon protested.

Twilight sighed, and thought for a moment. “Spike, I’m putting you in charge of making sure that I get enough sleep.” She finally settled on.

“Didn’t we already try that and it was a disaster?”

“Well, not entirely a disaster. And it’s not during a major conference. I just want you to swing by my room before you go to sleep to make sure that I’m not shoulder deep in books.”

“So, do what I’m trying to do now, but now it’s my only job?”

“Just about?”

“Good. Now, Twilight, go to sleep!”

“What?! But I just drank a gallon of coffee.” Twilight whined.

“No excuses! You need to get some sleep!”

Grumbling, Twilight walked off to bed. Then Spike started writing some letters. He was pretty sure that Twilight would change her mind by tomorrow, so he needed to get somethings in motion while her judgment was sleep impaired, if correct.

***

“SPIKE!” Twilight roared, bursting through his door. “Who are all these ponies?” Her wings were raised in a territorial display, and random sparks were coming out of her horn.

“Erm… what? Ponies? What time is it?” Spike mumbled, rubbing his eyes and looking out the window. The moon was still high, which was actually a useful denoter of time, due to Luna’s interference, rather than something that circled the planet completely unrelated to the solar day.

“You heard me! In the library! Now!” She teleported away again, not even attempting to reduce the bang from the in rushing air.

Spike sighed and got out from under his covers, and started the walk to the library.

***

When Spike reached the library, Twilight was packing back and forth, muttering underneath her breath. “Of all the stupid schemes… how could he… how could they….”

“Umm, Twilight?” Spike said, resisting the urge to hide behind a book tower.

“Spike, would you mind explaining why THE CASTLE IS FILLED WITH PONIES I DON’T KNOW?!” She shouted, the sparks coming from her horn redoubling.

“Well, you see, Twilight...”

“Because this is my castle and I am the princess, so I should know who is inside my castle, rooting in my library, moving my books, knocking on my door in the middle of the night.”

“They’re your staff!” Spike said desperately.

“Oh, they’re my staff. Who vetted them, pray tell? Who did the job interviews? Who put out the job advertisements?”

“Umm, a lot of ponies actually.”

“More of my staff? Ponies working for me. Behind. My. Back?”

“Look, I get why you’re angry-”

“Oh, I’m not angry, I’m livid. I give you an inch and you took a mile. How could you?” Twilight’s angry face gained about 20% hurt, turning it into a sad, hurt, angry face.

“I just wanted to help.”

“But it was my organization! I wanted to set it up my way!” Twilight wailed.

“Wait… that’s what you’re angry about?”

“Along with them moving in while I was asleep? And you planning it behind my back? Yes. That’s a major part.”

“Well, to be honest, it wasn’t entirely me. Celestia, Luna, and Candace planned a lot of it. I just kept it coordinated.”

Twilight froze mid-stride.

“The other princesses did it?”

“Well, yeah. They’re the experts. Why wouldn’t they do it?”

“But I thought… you seemed… and my friends? Eyegh?”

“Wait? You thought I could create an entire government organization while you were asleep? Twilight, I’m touched, but I can barely keep my geopolitical simulation working. And that’s mostly just providing coffee.”

“How is mini-Twilight doing, by the way?”

“She didn’t roll into alicorn, so she’s mostly attempting to fix friendship problems while Celestia negotiates on the world stage. Seems to be enjoying it.”

Twilight shook her head and refocused “But the Department of Awesomeness?”

“Well, I asked your friends to help me mold it to you, and that was Rainbow Dash’s first demand. Bakeries on every floor and tasteful curtains were Pinkie’s and Rarity’s.”

Twilight slumped against the floor. “I’m a terrible… whatever our relationship is.”

Spike shook his head and made parish-the-thought noises as rebellious thoughts pushed against his snout.

Twilight blinked a few times, and slowly got to her hooves. “Well, might as well meet the department heads.” She started walking off.

“Umm… Twilight? I’m still your personal assistant, right?”

“Of course! I can think of no better position.” Twilight said, pausing at the door.

Spike took a deep breath and said something he’d wanted to for years. “Then we’re going back to bed. It’s after midnight, and everyone else is asleep. I will wake you in time to get ready for normal government hours.” Spike was positively giddy, he’d be able to sleep in hours later than normal by that standard!

Twilight’s eyes narrowed, but she curtly nodded and teleported out.

Spike turned on his heel, then sighed. There was no way that Twilight wasn’t reading something. He turned back around, made the trek to her room, took a book away from the protesting pony, turned the lights out on the pouting princess, and plopped onto his poofy pile of pillows.

***

A few weeks later, Twilight had another date.

“Ok everypony, let’s get the final reports. Any sign of Discord induced reality tearing?”

A small unicorn shuffled some notes and adjusted her glasses. “None detected, he appears to be channeling all his chaos into generating random numbers.”

“Good, forecast team?”

“Ponyville’s indicators are fairly normal, aside from what I’ve previously reported. Any sudden crashes are unlikely.” A pony with a green arrow pointing up on his flank said.

“Alright, keep monitoring. Inter-species relations?”

“Ambassador Pinkie reports the Yaks have decided to level a mountain. They’ll be occupied for a while. None of the other ambassadors report anything significant.”

“Excellent. Put the report of which mountain on my desk. Spike?”

“You’re rested and looking better than ever!” A number of the department heads rolled their eyes at the flattery.

“Thanks, Spike. Alright, everypony, you’re dismissed.”

The heads of Twilight’s various departments shuffled out of the room, as Twilight organized some papers and did some last minute filing. It wasn’t long before it was cleaned to her satisfaction, and she left, with Spike in tow.

“Stylist?”

“Waiting in the salon”

“Dinner reservation?”

“Made.”

“Fireworks installed and inspected?”

“Yes.”

“Library under heavy guard and teleportation blocks erected?”

“You’re not accidentally spending the evening doing research.” Spike assured the princess.

“Good.” Twilight paused and said “This was a lot less stressful than the last time I tried to plan a date. Thanks for making me do this whole government department thing...” She still looked apologetic, despite this being the ninth or tenth time she’d thanked him.

“Your welcome, now go get ready. You’re pushing into your buffer time.”

With a yelp, Twilight trotted away, and Spike was free to being his own preparations.

***

“So, yeah, life’s been a little hectic for me. How’s the whole ‘absolute ruler of the dragons’ thing?”

“… let me get this straight, an alicorn, a being capable of moving the sun and moon, laying waste to entire regions, and singlehandedly establishing ponies as the dominant species on the planet, tried to kill you, so you got the other alicorns to distract her with leading a government agency? And this somehow allowed you to spend more time napping?”

“Yes! Among other things.”

“… nice.” Ember said, appreciative of the manipulation. Not a common dragon trait, but you couldn’t argue with results. “And I’m not really the ‘absolute ruler.’” Ember continued, making talon quotes. “Dragons only listen when they’re being clubbed with something heavy.”

“Is that why you carry a giant mace everywhere? And why it’s dented?”

“The Bloodstone Scepter? No. Definitely not. It’s totally not the only way I can enforce my will upon the peons.”

The two dragons lay back, enjoying the stars.

They’d met up at Twilight’’s castle and joined in Spike’s Ogres and Oubliettes game,where Ember had led the Dragons to a crushing victory over the rebels, consolidating her father’s rule over the Dragon Lands, and terrifying the mice.

Then they’d had an enjoyable meal of gems, at Café du Maud, along with a live comedy routine. Ember was amazed at the sheer quantity of igneous jokes. She felt that they were rock solid. Spike groaned at the pun, but admitted that it was better than Mohs of what they were seeing. On a scale of 1 to 10, the comedy rated as talc. Swapping puns and jokes, they giggled their way through the rest of the show.

Still, the gems were divine, Ember liked talking about her land (Maud always complained about the lack of igneous formations within Equestria), and Maud’s grotto, with it’s carefully selected examples of Equestrian gems and natural rock formations, was in a class of it’s own.

Now, the two were relaxing on a hill overlooking Ponyville, waiting for Twilight’s romantic fireworks display at the end of the night, just shooting the coprolite.

“Hey, I think it’s starting!” Spike said, sitting up excitedly. He peered into the darkness, and saw an excited unicorn with wings lit up on a nearby hill. She was prancing around a bunch of boxes, her horn sparking. “Huh, guess she had a good date.”

Twilight engulfed the boxes in her magic, rearranging the display, and searching for a fuse. In her excitement, her horn was spewing a fine stream of sparks, in addition to its usual glow.

“That’s weird...” Spike trailed off, trying to see further by putting his hands around his eyes.

“What?” Ember asked, getting up and looking in the same direction.

“I don’t know. It’s like Twilight’s not in as control of her magic as usual.” Twilight put the crates down, and pulled out a diagram. The stream of sparks increasing to a flood.

“Seems controlled enough. She’s not shredding the paper or anything.” Ember stared at Spike for a moment, followed his example with her claws, and realized that it did block out a fair amount of the light pollution from Ponyville off to the side.

“… yeah, but those sparks.” Finally, it looked like Twilight was satisfied, and she put everything down. The flood of sparks cut off suddenly, and she stepped back and gathered the energy for a laser blast. Her horn glowed, and then the glow surged, encompassing her entire head as she shot the beam.

The fireworks caught, and started to shoot off in their predetermined sequence. Around the two dragons, earth ponies and unicorns oohed and aahed. The flyers, molded by evolution to be able to see potential prey on the ground (mainly the rare and difficult to spot Pegasus Nip, long held as essential in Pegasus mating rituals; and small meat filled creatures in the case of dragons) were distracted by the sudden bloom of fire on the hill.

“Did…” Spike began, peering again.

“I think so.” Ember replied, doing the same.

“AHHHH!” A burning comet streaked by, as Twilight Sparkle realized that she hadn’t been using enough magic to avoid spontaneous combustion and accidentally set her mane on fire.

“Twilight!” Spike shouted, leaping up to help the burning princess, but Ember caught him before he’d gotten into the air.

“No, no, no. She’s a princess with a very large staff. She can take care of herself.” Ember said, sitting back down, and pulling the smaller dragon with her. The two nestled together, watching the explosions as a flock of pegasi took off and chased after their ruler, followed by a confused galloping zebra.

“I had a really good time tonight.” Spike confessed, watching the multicolored fire blooms.

“The night’s not over,” Ember teased. “You never know, it might get better.”

Off in the distance, Twilight careened into a lake, and endured the awkward transition from terrified concern to relieved laughter, as they discovered the cause and that the only thing that was hurt was Twilight’s pride and mane-do.

Closer at hand, Spike and Ember cuddled together, and the night did get better for them.

Author's Note:

Well, this was a fun story to write.

Thanks for sticking through and reading it!

Comments

[Mystic Sunrise]

I still have zero idea of WTF I just read. But I love it anyway.

[OmniFox]

I had no idea what is going on.......and Twilight needs to get laid.

[Gayle Softfeather]

9990251
I'm sorry you felt that way.

Could you elaborate on what was confusing? Too many transitions, not enough explanation of what was happening between events?
I'll certainly try to rewrite it and make it clearer.

9989529
Thanks for the complement! I think.

Could you explain why it was confusing?

[Mystic Sunrise]

9990308
Basically I had no idea of what was going on. Or if there really was a plot at all. I still like it. But if I knew more, it would help.

[Gayle Softfeather]

9990321
That's fair.
Basically, the story was about Twilight getting a date, then trying to solve all of Equestria's problems before the date happens.
So it can't be interrupted.
Unfortunately, she stays awake for 3 days while doing so, and goes mildly insane.
Spike, after nearly being killed by said insane Twilight, gets the Mane 6 together and asks the Princess for help.
They recommend that Twilight set up a government organization to do the job for her, so she can actually get some sleep.
This happens, after a few hiccups.

A few weeks later, Twilight sets up another date, and Spike goes on a date with Ember.
And Twilight learns why Celestia and Luna spend a huge amount of magical energy moving the sun and moon.

The main idea was to try to tell a story about Twilight through Spike, since he's mostly treated as an extension of her in the show.
But I've always gotten the impression that he is fairly independent, so I thought it would be fun watching him as Twilight goes out to save the world.

[OmniFox]

9990308
The main idea of the story is that Twilight's got a date and all of this random stuff throws off the entirety.