Dying Sunlight
“Very good, young filly.” The God of Earth had nodded in approval at his blessed alicorn in the royal garden one cloudy night. “You make a fine ruler, and you wiped your sister from history except in legend without a peep of protest.”
Celestia looked down, quietly. “Is that all you ordered?” She finally asked, looking back at the god.
The Earth god seemed confused. “What do you mean, young filly?” His horns withered and fell off, quickly regrowing.
“All you need to punish me?” She continued.
The Earth God snorted. “I already told you what you could know. The rest? Well, that’s up to you, young filly.” And he was gone.
“Hm…” Celestia looked around, heading towards the castle. “All up to me…”
A party was going on, an event hosted to smooth out thorns in the royal houses, and a chance to relax for many of them. Drinks were sampled, small talk was common, and even more common than that was courting. Already potential couples were leaving the party with lovesick(and drunk) passion.
Celestia carefully walked into the party, not wanting to be detected. She had some free time, and there wasn’t much else to do, so...why not have a little fun among citizens?
“Have you heard about that pegasus named Heat Wave?” Green Dough asked his ruler from the other side of the hall as he sampled a harsh cider, cringing from the burn. “He’s a prince from The Court Of The Double Suns. He has a rainbow colored mane!”
Celestia’s ears perked up in curiosity. Rainbow mane? Interesting. She never heard of such a pony.
The spotlight of the party himself was strutting around. His Rainbow mane was a mohawk, and he had thick, shiny muscles that throbbed from his skin. Blue fur sparkled in the light of the ceiling. Magenta eyes spoke of an ego, but also had loyalty and dedication, and a fierce love for his surrounding ponies.
“Mares love my name, Stallions respect my name. It’s the one and only, Heat Wave!” Heat Wave spread out his powerful wings and gantered plenty of cheers and fainting mares.
Upon seeing the stallion, Celestia’s heart was immediately lovestricken. Her mouth was wide open in sheer awe, and her eyes shimmered with love.
“ . . . Uh, you ok there?” A voice said into Celestia’s ear. “You kinda just fell into a trance, you alright?”
“Huh?” Celestia shook out of her gaze, then rubbed her neck. “Uhh...yes!” She nervously laughed. “Just thinking of...cake! Yes, cake.”
“Are you sure? Because I saw you go from calm to gogo eyed, and I like it.” Whelp, it was Heat Wave himself, in the flesh, face plastered with a smirk.
Celestia’s eye twitched a little, trying to repress her scream from shock and joy. “O-oh...nice.” She smiled back.
Heat Wave made a gesture to a table. “Come sit, have some drinks, and I’ll tell you all about my wonderful life!”
“Mhm!” Celestia walked towards it somewhat awkwardly, and proceeded to slowly mix her drink a little unsteady.
“So, it all started when I was born. It was bright, and I hated it.” A soda can hit the stallion on the face, and he snarled and started over. “I am Heat Wave of the Court of The Double Suns. I am also the prince.”
As he talked on and on, his charm only grew, it was like Heat Wave had his own mini sun glowing inside of him.
And Celestia’s heartbeat grew faster as well, she couldn’t hide how much she had fallen for him. Her face was as red as a tomato, and she refused to let her eyes linger away from him.
Heat Wave knew this and his flirting grew only more intense each second. His eyebrows would waggle, his hoof dragging the wooden table slowly so the mare would hear every single screech.
It was very painful for the onlookers to watch.
Celestia drew closer and closer to his voice, caring less about her declining regality at the moment. She wanted to hear every bit of what he had to say, and his smooth impressive voice.
Heat Wave was in nirvana. He never thought he would have a chance with Princess CELESTIA of all the mares. Her voice, that glowing white fur, the kind pink eyes. She was every stallion’s dream. Was this real life?
“Are you… real…?” He accidently cooed, not noticing the slip up until the whole party was laughing at his shamed expression. He blew it. Just great.
Celestia giggled a little. “Of course I am.”
Relieved, Heat Wave laughed as well. “Maybe we should meet up again?” Here was his chance.
Immediately nodding her head, Celestia squealed a little. “Of course!” She accepted it pretty quickly, maybe too loudly for her liking.
Everypony stared at them in shock. D-did they just see the Princess of the Sun get SEDUCED? By one of the most cocky pegasi in Equestria? Heat Wave’s face turned bright red and he quickly gave his new lover the meeting place and time before taking off, his friends teasing him as the prince vanished into the night.
“ . . . I need to sit down….” Green Dough collapsed onto his haunches as the entire hall burst into noise and gossip.
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Is it that serious?” She wondered.
“YES!” Green screeched.
Rolling her eyes, Celestia took a sip of her drink. What a scene, indeed.
Heat Wave and Celestia soon became the hottest couple in Equestria, with all sorts of gossip and teasing bombarding them at every angle. It made Heat Wave fearful of the reaction he was gonna get when he proposed to Celestia.
“This is gonna be so bad… Heat Wave, she’s gonna think you are not so cool..” The neon pegasus muttered in panic as he padded up to the meeting place where he and his marefriend always had their dates.
Celestia secretly had her own plans as well...the exact same as Heat Wave’s, actually. She had gotten the perfect sunstone for the proposal, gleaming brightly to represent her strong love. Calmly, she awaited him, hoping he’ll accept.
Heat Wave gulped, his eyes finding his beautiful lover waiting at the table. He softly smiled as he sat down on his haunches across from the alicorn. He got a red ruby, the shine representing the plushing waves of warmth and love that he emitted whenever Celestia was in his presence. “Hello, Sunshine…”
Gasping, Celestia held her hoof close to her mouth. Her eyes started shimmering...was he really about to do what she was going to?
“I like our dates and all… But, be my date forever..?” It was a groaner of a line, but since Heat Wave had already opened the ring box and everypony was gaping at the table, it was too late for takebacks. He grabbed Celestia’s hoof and prayed that he wasn’t silently begging.
“Heat Wave…” Celestia muttered, beginning to tear up yet also laugh. “Of course I will!” She proceeded to take out her ring box, showing him the sunstone encased in it. “I shared the same plans.”
“Eh?” All that came out was a useless squeak, Heat Wave’s face blazing like a supernova.
He then proceeded to tackle kiss Celestia, the two now engaged ponies tumbling to the floor as the cafe cheered and cried in celebration. Heat Wave’s tongue swirled around Celestia’s mouth, tears of happiness pumping down his face.
Celestia giggled and laughed, tears of joy following Heat Wave’s. She held him as the two started to passionately kiss.
The wedding they had 1 year later was glorious, everypony from all corners of the country attending the ceremony.
6 months after, Heat Wave felt like he wanted to have a foal with his wife. However, he was way too shy to outright suggest it, so the best thing was to use the most explicit words possible, causing much embarrassment to poor Celestia with his attempted advancements.
“Is it prime mating time yet, Sunshine??” The Prince blurted out in the middle of the Solar Court, everypony becoming red with the thought of that suggestion.
“What!?” Celestia squeaked out of shock, her face as red as the first time she met Heat Wave.
“Prime Time! Ya know, when everypony is wanting to do that? When is it OUR turn?” Heat Wave whined, not noticing the now pissed diplomats that were glaring at him.
“ . . .” The head of Economics hid under a table, the second hand embarrassment getting to him.
Celestia internally facehoofed. This..quickly went out of hoof out of nowhere.
“Prince Heat Wave, there are private rooms for a reason!” A mare snarled. “You can’t just-just ASK the Princess if she can mate with you! Especially not in here.”
“Have you SEEN Celestia without her regalia? You’d be wooed too!” Heat Wave retorted. “My love life, not yours!”
“Heat…” Celestia whispered. “Can we please settle this later?”
“Fine…” With a huff, he settled back down.The court continued, but now it was unbearably awkward.
After the court was over, Celestia had a fair share of questions to ask. Such as…”Why did you say it out loud l-like that!?”
Heat Wave looked away. “ . . I was too shy ok?!” He covered his face with anger and shame. “It was the only way I could..” The stallion truly was ashamed that he gave his beloved Celestia that kind of slanderous feeling.
Sighing, Celestia put her wing on his shoulder. “It’s ok, sunlight. We can move along and discuss this privately.” She gently smiled at him.
“Thanks, Sunshine.”
They did discuss it private. In fact, it went so well they decided to try for a child after all. It took a couple of attempts, but soon enough, Celestia was expecting.
Heat Wave was sitting back in a chair, happily holding a scroll. “We are having a foal. MY foal.” He gushed. “A mini Heat Wave!”
Celestia laughed warmly in response. “I never thought this would happen…but it is.”
“Do you think it’s gonna look like me?’ The stallion touched his wife’s belly in awe and wonder.
“Perhaps, yes.” Celestia giggled, rubbing her belly.
The child growing inside gave a kick, causing Heat Wave to stumble backwards. “Woah! Tough baby already, and not even born..” Tears of happiness pricked his eyes as he daydreamed about playing with a faceless foal.
The God Of Earth glared in the background at the happy couple. ‘Your final punishment is coming Celestia... And it will come with a wrath that you have never seen…”
-------
“Let me see my wife, damn it!” Heat Wave was screaming and kicking as the doctors held him back. Celestia’s foal was born on time, but the birth was having problems. The foal was STUCK, and causing the mare extremely agony.
Celestia was practically moaning in pain. “Please...I know you….want to see...the world...you can...come out now...ugh…”
The doctors had no choice but to magically force the foal out, a nasty squish filling the air as the baby was finally born. A fierce wail filled the air as the foal wiggled and screamed in the magic hold.
“It… It’s a son!” The aging stallion cried out, giving the crying child to his mother. He had a pure white coat, and a tiny horn was poking out of his forehead. His slick hair was purple and red at the tips.
Happy tears, for what felt like the millionth time, formed in Celestia’s eyes. She held her child close and gently, with the warmest of smiles towards him; about as warm as her sun.
Heat Wave bounded over and admired his baby, showering praises and love for his new family. He suggested that kinds of wild names, but only one stuck out.
“How about Bright Orange? You know, because of your love for orange juice and the bright light your sun and yourself give off?” The Prince’s voice was unusually tender and soft, his hoove stroking his wife’s face.
“Hmm...I think it works.” Celestia agreed, switching her attention to her baby to her husband. Mainly the foal, but both were such important factors in her life...if only Luna and Moondust were here to see this.
Bright Orange was delightful. He was a little bundle of sunshine, just like his mother. He clung onto his father, and when his dad wasn’t around, the colt would go find his mother.
“Have you seen Mama?” Bright Orange smiled at a royal guard, who was Soft Lotion’s distant relative.
“She’s busy at the Solar Court.” The guard answered, with a bit of a default stoic face.
Bright Orange whimpered, his eyes tearing up. “Ok…” he turned around to leave, his tail tucked between his legs and eyes watery.
Glaring, the other guard scooped up the colt and dropped him into the Solar Court, much to Bright Orange’s delight.
“Who is THAT?” One unicorn exclaimed. “It’s such an ugly colt too…”
Celestia’s surprise was interrupted by the sudden insult towards her son, causing her to glare at the unicorn angrily. “That’s my child.”
The unicorn went bright red as said child bounded to Celestia and nuzzled her legs before curling up and falling asleep peacefully. Always needed his mother nearby in order to get the best nap results. Plus, free cookies always happened after naps too.
Smiling, Celestia explained the above, despite the others unamusement.
The Solar Court ended up being much faster than usual, and it was time for Celestia to wake up her little bundle of sunshine.
“Cough….” The colt wheezed, breathing interrupted for a second before returning to normal.
“Hm?” Celestia looked down upon hearing the wheeze. For a second, she looked worried, but calmed down as she saw that her son was fine. Everything was fine.
Blinking open his eyes, Bright Orange gasped in excitement and reached for Celestia’s face. “Is it cookie time?!” He gasped.
“Yes, it is!” Celestia gently rubbed her son’s face as well.
“Cookies!” Bright Orange cheered. “I love you, Momma!” His soft features burned with love.
Things went smoothly for 2 more months.
But then things started going wrong.
“Come on, my son. You must cough!” Heat Wave begged as Bright Orange layed withering on the floor, sweat and mucus covering the small colt’s fur and mouth.
Celestia was frantically looking for any kind of medicine to help in the kitchen’s cupboards, which were...an excessive amount surprisingly. She made note to tell those stocking medication to tone things down.
A heaving cry left Bright Orange’s mouth as he struggled to breath, hacking reteches filling the air. Heat Wave’s wings flared in pain.
Bustling in, Celestia hurried to her son’s side, now holding the medication hopefully needed. She poured some into the spoon, hovering it towards her son. “Please, please take it…” She quietly begged.
Bright Orange felt the substance trickle down his throat. Crying, he spat it out. “No!”
Heat Wave bolted off. “I’m getting a doctor!” As he left, the tiny convulsing colt laying at his mother’s hooves started vomiting profusely.
Celestia’s ears lowered, a part of her starting to panic. He was fine. He was fine a long while ago. What happened?
“Hack… Hack..” He was choking. But thankfully, he fainted, so no more liquid blocked his airways.
The worried mother stood by close, waiting for her husband and hoped that he would arrive soon.
“I’m back with the doctors!” Heat Wave flew back to his wife’s side as the doctors started inspecting Bright Orange, poking and prodding his swollen chest. Panicked and awed shouts were bursting from the medical helpers once every few seconds, and Heat Wave let out a whimper, hudding into Celestia’s side.
Celestia huddled close to her husband as well, wrapping a wing around him. She worriedly watched as the medics took care of her child, repeatedly hoping for the best in her head.
Heat Wave shivered, all attempts of keeping calm were failing. He only hoped that his son would make it.
The head doctor turned towards the couple with a grim expression. “We have never seen a pony have so many chest infections at one time. That colt should not be alive, but he is. But…..”
“But WHAT?” Heat Wave suddenly was glaring at the stallion, the prince’s eyes beaming anger and fear. “Tell us now!”
“ . . .He’s not going to make it… I’m so sorry….”
Heat Wave collapsed to the floor in a dead faint.
Celestia blacked out the second she heard those words.
When she woke up, Heat Wave and the doctors had gone, but Bright Orange still laid there dying. Soft whimpers and whines were the only things leaving his savaged throat.
“My...my son…” She muttered, tears immediately filling her eyes as she trembled towards him.
“. . M-mama….?” Pitfully, two dull magenta eyes halfway opened, barely seeing anything. Celestia was nothing but a huge white smear in his hazy vision. He attempted to move, but it hurt too much.
“I’m….” She nuzzled him, globs of tears pouring down her face. “...sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t h-help you…” Whispering, she slightly sobbed harder.
The tears dripped onto Bright Orange’s face, but he didn’t notice. He closed his eyes, and his breathing became fainter and more ragged, like the infections were crushing the life out of his body.
“I…” Celestia had became wordless, now full on sobbing.
And then, perhaps a mercy granted by the gods, Celestia’s son never moved or breathed again, his eyes now staring at nothing. Bright Orange was no more.
Celestia held him closer one more time, even if he couldn’t feel that motherly comfort again.
“Celestia.” it was the Earth God, looming over the grieving mother and her now dead baby. “This isn’t done yet.”
“H-huh?” Celestia whimpered out, looking at the God above.
“You might want to find that lover of yours. His condition is grim at best.” The God’s horns were covered in something… something red. It dripped, hitting Celestia’s white fur, staining it.
“...No.” Celestia ran out of the room, after briefly glancing at her son one last time.
There was a sign of a brief struggle. Blasts of Earth magic had torn up the main hall, covering it in leaves and tree branches. In the middle of the earth reclaimed hall was a growing blood pool. In that blood pool was a pegasus, his eyes still wide with dying horror and anger. His bloodsoaked mouth was forever twisted in a despairing snarl.
“NO!” Celestia flew towards Heat Wave, holding her dying husband. She didn’t care about the blood on her. “H...Heat…”
“Huff...Hlj……” Blood sprayed from Heat Wave’s mouth, his eyes were wild and he was flailing in agony, sticking Celestia in the face.
“Heat...Heat please…” Celestia held him closer, breathing heavily. Her heart hurt to beat.
A choking gargle left him, before he slacked, the blood no longer pumping out with the life force it once had. It was only dripping.
“ . . .” No more. The Earth God had torn away the remainders of Celestia’s family.
Celestia hissed and looked up to the skies. She had enough. “Why? Why must you do this!?” She angrily asked.
“What do you mean?” The Sky God growled, he was almost invisible to see. “My brother was only doing what he had to.”
“He didn’t have to die!” Celestia cried out, tears brimming down her eyes in a fit of anger.
The Sky God shrugged. “That’s his bad.”
All of Celestia’s calmness vapored away in that moment, as she shot a beam of light into the sky. “You bastards! You all know what you have done!”
The Sky God vanished when Celestia hit him with the beam, dissolving into his domain. The Earth God slammed his blessing to the floor, causing her to hit her head.
“How dare you strike your higher ups!” He bellowed, slowly running Celestia through her chest with a horn, making sure that she felt every tear. His anger caused the ground to wither.
Celestia screamed in pain, but continued to speak. “You...took...everything...away from...me!”
“Shut your mouth, you ungrateful filly!” The Earth God tore even more before ripping out. Blood spurted out of the wound as he dissolved back into the earth.
Falling to the ground, Celestia’s tears mixed in with the blood. She laid there, growling for a few moments, before looking up to the sky again. “Today is the last I’ll follow any of your words.”
“What!?” The Sky God reappeared in a surge of fury. “You can’t do that!”
“Why should I after this?” Celestia questioned, snarling at him.
“We are Gods! You are just a little deity!” The primordial being spluttered. “Love attachments are your bane! Your downfall!” His face smashed against Celestia’s muzzle.
“It is what makes me and many others stronger! Without anypony, I don’t know what I would’ve done in my life.” Celestia snapped back.
“How dare you? We made you gain your status! You are in our debt!” He wailed, his form was starting to vanish from the strain of being there in one spot.
“I don’t care about my status! I care for my family!” Celestia used her magic to blast him away, stomping her bloody hoof afterwards. “I thought you would know this!”
The Sky God sneered. “So what are you going to do, CELESTIA?” His form was now a misty outline, ugly teeth showing ages of decay and rot.
“As I’ve stated before…” She slowly dragged herself out of the room, no longer bothering to look at the God. “...I’m not listening to you. Or any of the other Gods.”
The God attempted to attack her, but he vanished back into his domain, having used up too much magic. Heat Wave and Bright Orange’s bodies were now probably cold by now. They needed to be taken care of.
Celestia sat outside the hallway, as she began to blackout again. Everything she had was gone now...she was on her lonesome.
But perhaps, not forever.
The moon still glinted in the sky, Luna’s face was… glowing. It glew, and it pulsated love and patience, waking up Celestia from her brief blackout.
Despite all that happened...Celestia smiled warmly, feeling the love that emitted from the moon. “We will be reunited, sister.” She said hopefully, looking at the stars.
“We will.”
``````
EPILOGUE:
Luna gazed fearfully at the roaring crowds of Canterlot, her blue mane almost deflated. “They are mad because of me, aren’t they, big sister?” She hung her head, the angry shouts threatening to make her sob as tears pricked her eyes.
Celestia sighed. “Unfortunately. They don’t seem to understand that Nightmare Moon wasn’t you, and never will be you again.”
“But she was!” Luna’s eyes widened as she tugged a shaky hoof at Celestia’s own. “She was a manifestation of my flaws triggered by my alicorn powers.” The now sickly immortal slid to the floor in fatigue and weakness.
Coming to her aid, Celestia held her ill sister. “She wasn’t the true you.”
Luna groaned, her legs now completely useless. “So much has changed. Had it really been 1,000 years since my betrayal?” A tomato flew right into the mare’s face, leaving her a sad dripping mess.
Celestia shielded away from the crowd, glaring at them, then went back to face Luna again. “Yes...it’s been that long.”
“But… But… That means…..” Luna started sobbing. “N...No….. Rising Moon….” Her world crashed around her, as the angry roars grew louder.
Hugging her closer, Celestia immediately hushed reassurance towards her mourning sister. “He...wanted me to show you a message. For when you returned.”
“Hnk… He did…?” Luna raised her saddened gaze up at the kind mare holding her. “L-let’s get back to the castle then….”
“Sick monster!” A pony roared as Celestia put Luna on her back and continued to the palace. The crowds had to be held back by the Royal Guards.
“I hope they learn soon…” Celestia thought, rushing towards the castle.
The Royal Palace had similar reactions at first, but the angry glare of Celestia was enough to sway them away from attacking the pony on her back.
“Where is she staying?” A construction worker asked. “We still need to expand on the west side, and all of the guest rooms are booked for today.”
“I suppose she’ll rest with me.” Celestia answered. It had been a long while since the two shared a room, so such idea came off as nostalgic.
A group of doctors padded up to the two sisters and pulled Luna off her siblings back. They laid her down and, once prepping her, injected her with vaccines so she
could get immunity to modern illnesses.
Luna wiggled and screeched in protest, begging Celestia to make them stop.
“Can you all please slow it down a bit?” Celestia requested, giving Luna a sympathetic look.
Nodding, the doctors only injected one at a time, with Luna whimpering and holding Celestia’s hoof.
“I hate this.” Luna whined, wincing as another shot pricked her skin.
“I know, I know…” Celestia consoled, holding her hoof.
Once done, the ponies let Luna go, leaving her prone on the floor, grumpy and tired.
“Let’s go to my room.” Celestia picked up her sister again, carrying her to the safest place for now.
Luna stared in awe at all the new cutie marks and inventions that decorated the new palace and ponies that were staying there. “W-what happened to our old home?”
Celestia sadly looked away. “It was destroyed.”
Luna screamed in shock, her hooves waving in panic. “But why!?” her eyes were confused and terrified. Her breathing almost stopped altogether as everything seemed like it was crushing her in.
What had happened for her world to change so much?
Celestia took Luna’s hoof, taking slow and deep breaths; encouraging her to do the same.
Luna shivered, holding Celestia’s hoof so tight one may fear she would break it. “C-can I hear what my husband’s message was?” Her breathing returned to normal. “I hope you still remember the whole thing…”
“I think he said…” Celestia looked down at the ground, trying to remember. “...that even if you’re far away in the stars, I will forever love you. In my last days, in my death, I will never forget you, even if you’re gone.”
Luna’s eyes blurred as more tears welled up. She could even hear Rising Moon’s gentle voice saying those words. He really did love her, even after all the pain she put the prince through after shunning him due to the death of her daughter and letting Nightmare Moon take over her body.
“Dearie…” Luna choked out. “I will forever love you too.” She leaned into Celestia, the pain in her heart lessening.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Rated Ponystar · 26k words · 551 21 · 13k views
- FakeWolf · 44k words · 127 7 · 2.3k views
- The Grimm Reaper · 30k words · 447 16 · 7.3k views
- Selene Moonlilly · 14k words · 189 14 · 4.1k views
- Humanity · 12k words · 240 30 · 7.7k views
- TheEighthDayofNight · 653k words · 1,008 52 · 16k views
- Eventide Indigo · 12k words · 69 3 · 1.8k views
- Swefn · 10k words · 49 4 · 1.4k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.106 seconds
Total duration
1,056 users online
1,996,981 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
10048766
Oh hoho, I am intrigued.....
This was a really good story. There were quite a few issues with grammar and pacing, but since this is a first draft, I understand why it's that way.
I'm going to admit it right now--I cried when both Moondust AND Bright Orange died. Also, those gods can go f*** themselves for all I care, cause TIA DID NOT DESERVE THAT!!!!!!
I would love to see this idea fleshed out a little more and edited to be a better story. If you ever have free time, I'd recommend going over it. XD
This is definitely a story I'm going to read again sometime. ESPECIALLY if it gets edited.
10051646
Thank you for all the advice and comments! This story will get an editor in the future for sure!
...Celestia deserved better
"..."
"...born yet."
But why though? I thought the punishment was to be separated from her sister for a thousand years? Their actions have honestly painted the gods as the true antagonists of the story.
"...extreme agony."
"... huddling..."
So the gods can intervene to harass Celestia's family, but they won't step it to prevent threats from occurring upon the lands. Are we really sure they're gods and not devils in disguised? Also, what exactly are they? Are they alicorns or unicorns? Because I think this is the first time their physical feature has been described.
So even these gods have limits?
And Celestia did not think to do the same towards the residents of Ponyville? Besides Celestia and the mane 6, it's not like NMM harmed any pony.
Didn't the gods blessed them with a powerful immunity against diseases:
An alternate story where the sisters are forced under the whims of gods does sound interesting. It would tackle upon the theme of loyalty/ faith as the sisters (only Celestia displayed this) have to question their allegiance to upper beings that have mostly caused them pain.
In my opinion, I feel that this theme I'm noticing and the events of this story is far too rushed. Never am I truly invested in the sisters as I am not exposed enough the goals they desire as princess, the chemistry between their lovers, children, friends, and parents. I would've like to see their relationships gradually develop instead of it being summarized.
I also have a lack of investment into Moondust and Bright Orange's character. Yes, they are the offspring of the princesses, but there's nothing more relevant beyond that. The story treats them more like a plot device to traumatize to sisters and radically change their character.
Also, what ever happened to Discord and Chrysalis? Your footnote mentions side stories (which may expand upon the two), but honestly, I believe they should be in the main story, especially after speaking about a war that Discord sparked.
In my opinion, I believe this story should be extended far beyond 20k words. There are too many arcs that aren't given in just development:
I believe each that are listed need to be expanded upon (more than just a chapter for some of them).
10176093
I really have to thank you for going over this story. I will be taking some of your advice and trying to fix up those grammatical mistakes when I can.
HOWEVER, my friend and I simply don't have the time right now to do a rewrite project that big. We already have the epilogue story to TSOCAL in the making, along with MLP Characters Watch The Story Of Celestia And Luna AND Meet The Parents Part 1.
It took us 5-6 MONTHS to finish up this 20,000K Draft, and we didn't want it to sit around in our docs, so I decided to share it. I know it's heavily flawed and rushed, but if a so called rewrite is to happen, the other stories have to be finished and posted first. I don't want all that work to go to waste.
You tended to focus on the negative aspects, and that made me feel heavily discouraged. A good critic/proofreader should HELP the person they’re proofreading for, and sure, pointing out stuff I needed to fix is something that IS pretty necessary, but at the same time, there IS ways to be more polite about it.
I know that's not what you intended, but it did somewhat hurt my feelings.
10176118
I apologize for coming off rude. My intention was not the bash at your work. I just felt that there were too many things the were left out and felt the need to let you know. I believe one cannot know the flaws in their own work unless someone else points it out for them so they will be aware of it the next time on their own. How else would it help that writer to improve and evolve? Still, I'm sorry that I came off harsh, but I do hope that my comments prove useful to you in some way.
10176124
You are forgiven! I know that wasn't your intention! And I will be using your comments in the future