One warm summer afternoon in Ponyville, Vinyl Scratch and her friend Octavia were sitting on a park bench, trying to come up with a song. Ponies came and went doing their daily tasks, every once in a while one would stop to listen to them as they worked. But the two mares felt like what they wanted to accomplish wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.
“Uhh!! why can’t we come up with any songs!?” Vinyl yelled. “It’s hopeless, we have been trying to find a good tune for over an hour!”
“Don’t say that Vinyl, I am sure it’s not hopeless,” Octavia said trying to calm Vinyl in her usual respectful, and often refined voice. She started to say something else to help encourage her roommate but whatever it was turned into background noise. Instead, Vinyl’s ears popped up and all she could focus on was a soft but catchy tune she heard coming from across the street. A short distance away on the corner of an intersection, there was an old stallion playing the piano, this stallion had a black mane and brown fur, with black shades on.
“Vinyl, are you even…”
“Shh…” Vinyl cut her off by raising a hoof up to her mouth.
She got up and went to the other side of the road and sat down in front of the musician, the song he was playing was one they had heard before. If they remembered correctly it was called Superstition.
Octavia was quick to follow her friend. As they approached, both listened to him for a good while. They eventually found themselves keeping rhythm by either nodding or tapping a hoof. Octavia could see he had talent while Vinyl could tell he had style worth mentioning.
“This old stallion has style,” Vinyl whispered softly.
Octavia nodded in agreement, closing her eyes as she listened to the melody of the keys playing in perfect sequence.
Vinyl and Octavia were standing in the midst of a large crowd which had gathered to see the old stallion play.
The last notes resonated in the air and the gathered group gave their applause. Vinyl walked up to the pianist with a satisfied grin, “That was really inspiring! Name’s Vinyl, Vinyl Scratch. My roommate and I here were just having trouble coming up with a new song but I think you gave us the breakthrough we needed.” She said holding out her hoof to shake his.
“Uh…” Octavia snapped out of her mild state of euphoria, “Oh, my name’s Octavia by the way. I’m a cellist, but the piano is also a favorite of mine, and from the way you were playing, I can tell you’re very skilled.”
“Hey, thanks for complimenting my playing,” The stallion said not showing any signs of shaking Vinyl’s hoof in return.
Vinyl looked confused but Octavia picked up on the situation quickly. She leaned over, whispering in her roommate's ear to inform her.
“Hey Vinyl, I think he’s blind, he can’t see your hoof,” Octavia whispered.
“Oh,” Vinyl said lowering her hoof. Looking at the stallion, she noticed he didn’t seem to make eye contact with her either.
“So, you figure it out I can’t see you,” The Stallion said with a grin.
“Well, yes,” Octavia said chuckling in embarrassment for being overheard.
“Ah, where am I?” The stallion asked, the question stunning the two mares.
“You don’t know??” Vinyl said in surprise.
The stallion shook his head,
“Well you’re in Ponyville my good sir,” Octavia interjected. “Are you just passing through? Where are you heading to?”
“I want to stay here a while,” The stallion answered.
“Why do you want to stay awhile?” Vinyl asked in response to that sudden statement.
“Because my friend Ray is here, I am visiting him for a couple of days,” the stallion said.
“Do you mean Ray Charles!” Octavia excitedly asked.
“Yes, my name is Stevie Wonder by the way,” the stallion said with a wide grin.
“That is awesome!” Vinyl yelled.
“Yeah, but It would be even more awesome if I had a room to stay in.”
“You don’t have anywhere to stay?! Well, in that case, do you want a room at our place?” Octavia asked, her question sounding more eager than she wanted it to. “We’ve got an extra bed.”
“Yes, I do,” Stevie answered.
Vinyl looked at Octavia and whispered, “We do?” which earned her a hoof to the mouth.
“Yes! we do.” Octavia said.
“Wonderful, I just need to go get my luggage from the train station, I’ll be right back,” Stevie said with a grin and then he left in the direction of the station to do just that.
Octavia let out an excited squeak which wasn’t very ladylike, but in the heat of the moment, she did not care.
“Um, Octy? Are you feeling alright?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” Octavia said only half understanding what she heard.
“Because you don’t seem fine, I mean your allowing a complete stranger, yes he’s famous, but he’s still a stranger, into our home.”
“It’s the polite thing to do. Besides, he doesn’t have a place to stay,” Vinyl could almost see the excitement dripping out of the grey mares’ ears. “And he could help inspire us more on the song we were having so much trouble with.”
“Well, I guess that sounds good,” Vinyl responded. “But last time I checked there’s my bed and your bed. You better explain to me what ‘extra bed’ you’re talking about and where we are going to get it.”
It was at this moment Octavia realized what situation she put herself in. “Vinyl,” she said sounding like she just made a mistake, “I’m going to the furniture store. Can you make sure our place is tidied up before he gets there.”
The white mare looked towards the train station to see Stevie Wonder already on his way back, “You’re really going to go through with this aren't you?” she turned back around only to find that Octavia was nowhere to be seen. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
Vinyl watched Octavia go with a small grin.
When the stallion reached Vinyl she said, “So I guess it’s just you and me, I’ll lead you to our place.”
“Where is Octavia at?” Stevie asked.
“She went to our home, so she could prepare the bed for you,” Vinyl explained.
“Good,” Stevie said with a smile.
“I think that Octavia really admires you, I certainly do!” Vinyl said as she guided Stevie along to her and Octavia’s home.
“With my chill personality, I get that quite a bit,” he said in a matter-of-fact mannerism.
“Actually I think it’s more the way you play your music, if only you could see the look on her face when you were playing.
Which brings up another question.
“How can you play the piano like that if you’re blind?”
“No offense or anything,” Vinyl said trying not to sound rude, “it was really good, but being someone who isn’t blind I just have to ask.”
“Well, because I’m blind, it’s a different learning process. I have to memorize where the keys are and what sounds they make. But I’ve always had a knack for music, so my talent came easily.” Stevie answered.
Out of nowhere, there was a loud gasp, “Oh, my, GOSH!! It’s a pony I’ve never met!!” A pink pony raced up to the two ponies and began shaking Stevie’s hoof. “Hi my name’s Pinkie Pie, I know everypony and everypony knows me, but I don’t know your name, can you tell me your name? This is Vinyl Scratch, she’s roommates with Octavia but you probably already knew that because I saw you talking to her and she most likely told you. They’re both interested in music, you look like you’re interested in music, are you interested in music? Because if you are you're talking to the right ponies. What’s your favorite instrument?”
“My guess is the piano, oh! I know what I’ll do, I’ll make a piano-shaped ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ cake and then we can all bring our favorite instruments, I can’t decide on a favorite instrument so I just play all of them at once, would you like to see? Wait right here I’ll show you.” Said the pink mare in somehow one breathe before zipping off, leaving Vinyl and Stevie to process the information.
“Uh… what just… happened?”
Vinyl lifted her sunglasses up and smiled at Stevie, not that it mattered.
“Welcome to Ponyville, if you're going to be staying here for a while, you’ll get used to Pinkie Pie doing... whatever it is she does pretty quickly,” Vinyl said.
Pinkie zipped back in front of them, “Actually ‘scratch’ that, see what I did because you’re talking to Vinyl Scratch, anyway I actually do have a favorite instrument. It’s called the Yovidaphone, an instrument that the yaks have been playing for generations, It kind of looks like a bagpipe but trust me they are totally different. I’ve been working on a new song, would you like to hear it? It’ll knock your socks off.” Pinkie Pie giggled as Vinyl looked like she just bit into a brick sandwich, “Silly Pinkie, ponies don’t wear socks, well not everypony at least, I wear slippers with my sister Maud that’s pretty close. By the way, she’s into rocks, oh, maybe I can have a rock band at your ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party. Anyways, stay here I’ll be right back with the Yovidaphone.”
Vinyl put her hoof on Stevie’s shoulder, “Let’s go before she gets back, you’re already blind I don’t want you tone-deaf too.”
“I like the sound of that.” The stallion said in agreement.
By the time Pinkie came back with her instrument, she saw that Stevie and Vinyl were nowhere to be found.
Night had now fallen in Ponyville, and at this time Stevie and Vinyl were going into a bar, to get something to drink, once they walked into the bar they were greeted by piano music, Stevie was slightly swaying.
Vinyl noticed this and asked, “Are you drunk?”
Stevie let out a light chuckle.
“Oh, no that, it’s just an old habit,” Stevie answered.
“Sometimes I don’t know I’m doing it,” he continued.
“Hey Stevie, is that you?” A raspy voice asked.
The stallion wasn’t expecting somepony here to know his name, seeing as he just arrived in Ponyville that afternoon. But he intended to find out who it was, “Yes, it’s me, may I ask who am I talking to?” Stevie asked.
“Of course you can ask, but you should already know,” The raspy voice answered.
It was then he realized who the voice belonged to, “Ray!” Stevie said in excitement.
“You got that right baby!” Ray shouted in greeting. “Sounds to me like you brought a friend along.”
“This here is Vinyl scratch, I'm staying with her for a couple of days while I visit you,” Stevie said.
“Hey,” Vinyl said because she knew Ray couldn’t see her.
Ray sat down in his chair, which he had been previously sitting on, and lit a cigar.
“So, I heard from Stevie, that you couldn’t come up with a song,” Ray said removing his cigar from his mouth and placing it into an ashtray.
“Yeah, we heard Stevie playing across the street while we were trying to come up with something original,” Vinyl chuckled nervously.
By now the bar was full of ponies because it was a Saturday night, and Saturday nights were usually good nights for having a drink with your pals and listening to piano music play.
“Well you’ve come to the right bar, believe me, this place is full of ponies who would like to be like me, but they’re not. Here, let me show you what I mean,” Ray said as he walked over to the piano and sat down “Instead, they come here to drink and then they ask me for advice.” He started playing a song that vinyl had heard before, the song was called hit the road jack.
Stevie and Vinyl enjoyed their cider as they listened. Vinyl got Sweet Apple Cider while her stallion friend went for the stronger stuff. The ponies that were sitting at the bar started putting money in a jar that was placed on the piano lid.
“Yeah keep it coming,” Ray said as he felt the jar getting fuller.
“This is the most awesome thing ever,” Vinyl whispered to Stevie.
“Yeah,” Stevie said as he started to sway a little bit more.
“Hey, are you ok?” Vinyl asked.
“Yes, I’m fine!” Stevie answered.
“It’s just you started swaying again,” Vinyl said.
Stevie didn’t acknowledge what Vinyl had said to him
Once the song was over there was an applause and then Ray made his way back to Stevie and Vinyl. “So what kind of advice are you looking for?”
“Well, like I said before, my roommate and I were trying to come up with a song earlier, but we couldn't, so I guess what I'm asking is could you look over what we have?” Vinyl said as Stevie took another sip of his beer.
“Yeah, Vinyl I'll help you,” Ray said as he picked up his cigar and placed it in his mouth.
Vinyl hoofed over a piece of paper with writing on it, Ray felt the piece of paper in his hoof but could only feel the smooth surface on it so he put it back where Vinyl had placed it.
“Vinyl, there ain’t no braille,” Ray said as he took the cigar out of his mouth and exhaled some smoke.
“Braille?” Said Vinyl drawing a blank on what he meant.
“I’m blind, I don’t read with my eyes as you do,” Ray explained exhaling more smoke. “Braille’s a type of writing that you feel, designed for blind ponies like me and Stevie.”
Vinyl chuckled nervously, “sorry about that,”
Stevie picked up the piece of paper, as he turned it over seemingly trying to look for something.
“Stevie, what are you looking for on that piece of paper?“ Vinyl asked.
“Hey, what do you mean?” Stevie asked in an unusually calm tone.
“He’s drunk. He always gets that way when he has been drinking a couple too many,” Ray explained.
“In that case, let's get you home,” Vinyl said taking back the paper.
“Good idea, Vinyl,” Ray said getting up and walking over to Stevie, to help him get up from the chair.
“Hey, Ray, what are you doing?” Stevie asked in annoyance.
“We need to take you home,” Ray responded in a very calm tone.
“I ain’t no baby, Ray, I can take care of myself!” Stevie yelled at Ray, then he stormed out of the bar.
Vinyl looked at Ray and asked, “Should I go after him?”
“Yes but I will come with you,” Ray said in his calm voice.
“Let’s go,” Ray said as he reached for Vinyl’s hoof.
Vinyl took Ray’s hoof and let him out of the bar, once they were outside.
“Vinyl, I know where Stevie is!” Ray said as he started walking to Vinyl’s house.
“Ray, slow down!” Vinyl said as she tried to keep up with Ray.
“Sorry,” Ray said as he slowed down a little bit so that Vinyl could keep up with him.
“So how do you know where Stevie is at?” Vinyl asked.
“My ears are very sensitive, almost like a superpower,” Ray said in his calm voice.
Sure enough, when they arrived at Vinyl’s house, there was Stevie sitting outside on one of the front steps.
“I knew I would find you here,” Ray said to Stevie.
“Yeah totally,” Stevie said in his unusually calm tone of voice.
“Where is Octavia?” Vinyl asked.
“She’s inside,” Ray said as he listened.
Once they were inside, Vinyl laid Stevie on the couch, where he drifted off to sleep pretty quickly.
Ray went over to Octavia to introduce himself, clicking his tongue to find that he was in the kitchen.
“Is something stuck in your teeth?” Octavia asked.
“No, I use echolocation to get around, bats use that as well,” Ray responded.
“Stevie doesn’t use echolocation, he uses his sense of touch to get around, and he uses his hearing, and sometimes his sense of taste.”
“Well, hi, may I ask who are you?” Octavia asked when she noticed Ray.
“My name is Ray Charles,” Ray said to Octavia. “I’m an old friend of Stevie.”
“Octavia,” the grey mare said in greeting.
“Yeah that’s awesome,” there called a voice from the living room, Octavia knew that Stevie had come home, but she did not know how drunk he was.
“Hey sorry about that Stevie always gets very drunk when we go bar hoppin,” Ray explained.
“Are you also drunk?” Octavia asked.
“No, ah ain’t,” Ray responded.
Octavia went back into the kitchen as Ray made his way back to the living room.
Good story
9815327
Thanks, man
9815328
I do got a question if you don't mind me asking why Stevie Wonder
9815331
Because I admire him, even though he has a disability he doesn’t give up
This is a nice idea.. but it could also use a nice read through. Perhaps go at it with a fresh eye, scour out what might be there for the improving, and fix a few parts... then, you have a great story.
9815421
Thanks
Listen, the story isn't bad, but your presentation is. Your description isn't describing the story so much as it is begging the reader to overlook slight mistakes. This:
Does not inspire confidence in me to read the story. Why even mention it?
And then there's your attitude about it. Posting in every group letting people you have a new story, and sending PMs to people like me instructing me to spread the word about it, won't help. If anything, it'll hurt your reputation, especially if it's already low.
9815429
What do I do?
I think you story is off to a good start, but I think you need more comedy. Like when Vinyl asks him how can Stevie play piano with blindness, have her make a joke and say that he uses the force. Then right before Pinkie pops in, have Stevie say something like, “I feel a disturbance in the force!”
9818271
Ok, thanks
9818353
no prob
Certainly a fun story.
9823232
Thanks
Pretty trippy story. All in all well told.
9838904
Thanks so much
Hey man. Found this in the No Author Left Unnoticed group. Figured I'd give it a read. I'll just add to this comment as I go. Just as a heads up though I do not consider myself great by any means, but I like to believe I can at least write passably. Also everything I say is more or less how I feel and not objective fact so take it with a grain of salt.
So first off something I noticed in the first paragraph was that it felt kind of rushed. They're working on a song? Okay. Can you tell us a little more about it and why it's important? Also, why would they be working out in the park when the more logical area would be in their house where they have all their equipment? A reason would be appreciated, and it doesn't even have to be a big reason. All it needs is a line or two tops. Also the last sentence starting with a "but" is not necessarily the best option. It'd be like starting a sentence woth "and" or "because". It's not good writing, and could have just been assimilated into the previous sentence, or omitted entirely. Showing is better than telling.
Vinyl's first line of dialogue is more of a nitpick then anything but it's okay to not really know what to do for a tune. My older brother composes music a lot and he's scrapped tunes he's worked on for hours simply because it didn't work out. An hour is nothing in the grand scheme of things but that's ultimately irrelevant I suppose. You don't have to pay mind to that if you don't want to, but the dialogue itself feels a little dry.
As for the second paragraph I like the description of Octavia's voice. It helps introduce readers who aren't very familiar with the character -like me- to her. That said, the events that transpire in this paragraph feel very rushed and very forced. This is an event that is better suited to be placed later in the fic, as establishing the characters and setting -even in fanfiction- is bery important before you kick everything off. Otherwise you're forcing the audience to go at a fast rate rather than a more comfortable speed. I understand that you're eager to get into the meat and potatoes of your story but please remember that storytelling doesn't work well like that.
The next part where Vinyl gets up and moves is again, rushed and clunky. Time had to transpire between point a, when Vinyl gets up, and point b, when Vinyl reaches her destination. It's a perfect time to put some detail in between those two points, not only to make the writing higher quality, but to give the illusion of time to the audience as well which helps the story flow better. Also "she got up and went" is not very creative, and will disengage the audience from your story. Diction is important, and what separates good stories from bad ones.
The next few lines are alright. The description about the music is welcome.
There was a group there? This was never mentioned, and will stand out to the audience. If you mention the group in a previous paragraph you won't pull the audience out of the story by mentioning it now. It's rough, and you have to be super methodical about this. I get it, it sucks but to tell a good story you have to be as consistent as possible.
The next couple dozen lines are very dialogue heavy. This is generally somethjng you want to avoid unless you have good setup for it, or punctuate it with snippets of detail every now and then. It doesn't leave much to the imagination otherwise and will disengage the audience.
That said it's quite late on my end. If you want me to carry out with the rest of this just reply to me and say you want me to. I apologize if this sounded harsh but I'm telling you this because everybody here -me included- wants you to be better. It's always a pleasure to see a new writer making wonderful new stories that enrapture audiences. Anyways have a good one man, and keep on practicing.
9846792
Thanks
9847181
I’m here to help you my guy.
9847196
Ok, but I’m a girl
9847197
Then I’m here to help you my girl.
9847327
Thanks.
9892628
Thanks, i'll try to have more description in my next chapter.
Hey there, I went and checked out one of your stories. :) I think it has a pretty interest concept but like some of the comments here were saying it could use more description, grammar improvement, getting rid of plot holes (like how Stevie and Ray got into Equestria) and the like but I don't think it's a bad story at all.
I believe you could make it a lot better and make an interesting idea into a great idea and a fun story.
Truth be told, sometimes there will be harsh constructive criticism but that's just how it is sometimes. Don't let it destroy your confidence or wanting to write, use it to get better. One way to help with writing is to read a lot. Writers read a lot and it's helped shape how they write in different ways.
I recommend using this video below to help you a little bit and the one below to help if you have writer's block. I find them enlightening.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHKKtxliYaY&t=0s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTrTBjwUulE
10044830
I agree
10044845
Go ahead and check the videos, too. :)
10044851
I will
A rather enjoyable story. I think that you probably got more dislikes than likes though, because it was kind of a cliffhanger, plus they never really ended up coming up with a song.
10081660
Story isn't done yet
10081864
Okay.
My gift for you is this: a fucking mindblowing Stevie Wonder bootleg live album:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLvxWibFr0wiKO_uovkBXGOxSAl4vADl9h
10100528
I don’t understand why did you send me that?
Honestly, I know you’re taking the constructive criticism to heart, but be glad you get constructive criticism at all. I don’t get much constructive criticism, and it drives me insane. I’m at least happy a good concept is getting people trying to improve it.
10100549
Ok, thanks
10100539
I thought you loved Stevie Wonder?
10100577
I do but I already have most of his songs on record, not actual records but you know YouTube
Oh wow, this is really good so far!
10578711
Thanks
Noice story!
I think it's a really good idea to turn Stevie Wonder into a pony.
And a story about blind ponies make me feel good.
So remember, if you reable the ratings, I'll vote 👍
10730508
Thanks
There are a lot of different ways that people imagine Vinyl to speak if they ever did speak. It takes a lot of thought to develop a pattern of speech for her, so props to you!
10750367
Thanks for your message
Definitely not what I thought I would get. I personally subscribe to the thought process that vinyl scratch either doesn't or can't speak. So I was totally expecting some kind of lost in translation comedy where she's constantly trying to figure out how to communicate with him. Not bad as it is though.
10847446
Thanks
Not bad so far. I'd read more, but it's pretty much 2 in the morning for me. I haven't eaten anything and I'm tired. If I ever get the chance, I'll read some more, but I don't when that'll be. But good job so far....
11804115
So glad you liked it.