Sozmioi
Joined 11th Dec, 2012 ·
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Points for creativity on how it happened, but you lose me at the twist: having it be a conspiracy of Princess Celestia.
9805675
Well, it just seemed farfetched otherwise.
…
Wait, I didn't include her specific reasoning, that she needed extra-special powerful ponies for the hazardous era of the show. I don't know if that helps or not.
Uh, this was pretty hard to follow, made worse by the apparent missing technical information (conjunction?) and perspective shifts.
Now, hearing more about those two and "the sexual wisdom of the ancients and the latest modern techniques," that I wanna read.
9807119
All you need to know about it is exactly what Twilight said. There's a thing, and sometimes it has funny effects on those born at that time.
9807146
This was very hard to follow. Shame, otherwise it was very well composed.
I really don't see how they're related. Is it by blood or not, or is it something legal?
9817327
Vinyl Scratch and Shining Armor were switched at birth. So, Vinyl's Twilight's genetic brother.
9818071
Ah so that's what happened. Had that been clearer, it would have worked out better and I also think you'd've gotten higher ratings.
9818440
Twilight says they could have been switched. Celestia outright says they were.
What else do I need to say, and where do I need to say it?
This was... odd. It was an interesting premise, and I think if you beefed it up it could have been far stronger, but instead, it’s sub-2k and we just get a long scene of expository dialogue in order to explain the twist. There’s some interesting worldbuilding here - you really should have taken the time to just hone it in and write something longer with it.
In fact, you probably should! That would actually be fairly interesting. This thing feels really last-minute and I can’t say wether or not that reflects reality.
9821865
You are absolutely correct. I have the story, kind of, from the beginning but it just felt shaped really weirdly and I couldn't get it together by the deadline.
But there's no requirement for the story to stay in the same shape as it was then, is there?
This is about 1/10 the length is should be. There's plenty of exposition laid out for us to read, and it would have been great to see it demonstrated naturally by the story playing out on its own. There are terms and concepts you include (eg "conjunction") that have no reference or explanation, and other important concepts (like why Celestia switched the foals, how she knew she'd have to, the reason for male Vinyl's female appearance, etc) are plainly stated and yet only brushed upon. This could be a pretty good story if you ever decide to take the time and expand it.
10271785
Yeah, I know. Fleshing this out, practically replacing it with something that feels complete, is on my to-do list, but it's fourth or fifth, behind finishing Avalanche, then A Watchful Eye, then either the HP or ST crossover, or both.
10271809
It's a learning experience. Don't give up.
10271811
It's more that I wrote it for a contest and I was under a deadline and the options were miss it or cut nearly everything.