• Published 26th Aug 2019
  • 2,987 Views, 147 Comments

Criminally Stupendous - trustissues



Roman thought it was the end for him, but in a strange twist of fate the thief somehow lives. Sadly, dying wasn't enough for him to rethink his life of crime, and now he's back at it again.

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One Bad Memory

"Trixie Lulamoon! We have the building surrounded! Release your hostages and come out with your hooves up in the air!"

Trixie peered through the window of the bank she was currently in, Manehattan's swat team had surrounded the building, heavy armored wagons were just at her doorstep with ponies in swat gear behind them. Her plan was not going smoothly, especially after her last solo heist, which cost her a golden statue.

The authorities were really serious, this was the effect of Roman's presence in the city. Security for each bank was increased and there were lookouts keeping an eye on every street. It was because of these pieces on the board is why Trixie is in this predicament.

"You'll never catch Trixie!" She yelled out as she pointed a blue rocket towards the authorities. She used her fireworks to keep them all back and away from Trixie and her hard earned money.

"Trixie!" One of her two hostages called out, but in truth, this was one of her accomplices, Flam, the one with the moustache. The unicorn struggled in his bind as he watched Trixie shoot another rocket out the window. "I don't think your plan is going too well!"

Flim was also there, as for why, it was all part of Trixie's big plan. Really complicated one at that. They were "roped" into all this because Trixie needed some help with her heists since Roman was somewhere else.

"Everything is fine!" She reassured them. "As long as Trixie and her number two are here, then these nobodies will never even set a hoof inside this building!"

"Uh Trixie? She's gone!" Flim pointed out that a pony was indeed missing.

"What!? Where did she go!?"

"She said she was going out for some snacks! I couldn't really stop her because of these ropes!"

"Those are just excuses you dolts! This is just great! Trixie will personally break her legs for this, that damn c-"

An ear splitting sound started playing in the room. All three looked over towards the shadowy part of the room, and then they felt their blood turn cold as they saw two glowing green orbs staring directly at Trixie. Then the orbs rushed towards Trixie and the mare couldn't hold back a scream as the sound got louder and louder.


Roman glared at the disintegrating corpse of the manticore and scowled from the sight of the monster. There was no doubt about it, it was a stinking Grimm. And Roman had not expected the monster to be here on this planet, he would've thought he'd see this ugly thing in hell.

It wasn't easy taking down the Grimm, it was troubling if you had to ask Roman, but he still managed to bring it down real hard. Just a few bullets to the face and one big swing of his cane, and now this Grimm is chasing rabbits in evil heaven. The only thing he should care about is that it's dead, but then it just tells him something really bad. There are more.

He sat back down on the bench, Roman was thankful that it was unharmed from the fight, but the cigar he had been smoking was eaten by the Grimm, and that leaves him with his emergency cigar. Everything is getting worse and worse by the minute. First that damn fan said his name too many times, and now Roman is just learning about the existence of Grimm in this world. Roman was just ready to blow up this town and make a run for it, but he wasn't that evil, just plain old cruel. He was also a very reasonable guy, so he wouldn't let something like a single Grimm ruin his day.

But then he realized something, there were spectators during that fight. His eye scanned around the area, and there he finally noticed the ponies that had stayed to watch. Now they were currently watching him with awe and admiration after witnessing Roman defeat the manticore single handedly. In truth, beating a manticore Grimm is something a hunter would actually be proud of. And from Roman's experience, it would make you very popular in a small school, like Signal.

A few ponies attempted to approach the thief, but were too discouraged by his display of power. There was an exception, and they were a group of Iron Legions. They arrived armed to the teeth, swords that looked like they could severe a head clean off, and spears that looked pointier than a beowolf's fang. They immediately inspected the rotting carcass, and stared at Roman with a watchful eye.

"You did this?" The guard questioned him.

Roman only spared the guard a single glance before leaning further back on the bench. "Listen, I'm not feeling it right now, so could you buzz off?"

"You dare disrespect us Legionnaires?!" A guard tried to leap at Roman but was held back by the others.

"I'm sorry for Private's little outburst, sir, but we kinda need some answers." The guard, who Roman presumed as the leader, wanted some answers, seems like they were curious as to how he pummeled a Grimm. "I mean, it's not everyday that you would hear a single pony go toe to toe with a Shadow Beast."

"Grimm."

"What was that?"

"They're called Grimm, soulless bunch of freaks whose only purpose is to wipe out everything that breathes." Roman explained.

The guard raised a brow. "You seem to know about these, "Grimm", care to tell me why?"

Roman groaned loudly, to show him how annoying he was right now. Please, someone get these idiots off my back before I do something really bad.

And as if Roman's prayers were answered, a loud screech was heard far above them. Then Roman realized that it was probably the devil who had answered him, and the evidence to that was the flock of nevermores circling the town, nearly blotting out the sun with their sheer numbers.

"We got ravens! Everybody move it!" The guard suddenly changed his priorities and began to give out orders to the rest of his squad.

Then everything turned into chaos as a rain of black feathers started dropping upon the town. Roman ducked under the bench to escape the deadly feathers that could skewer a man, thankfully, these nevermores were just the size of a cat. Their feathers are not big enough to go through the bench, or as a threat to Roman since they were too small.

The ponies scrambled about in panic, and the Grimm in the sky started to move aggressively.

Once the rain of death was over, the guards quickly herd the civilians away. The leader then returned to Roman to do his job.

"What are you doing!? Can't you see that there's a horde of Grimm in the sky!? We need to get you to safety!"

"Piece of advice buddy, be positive. The Grimm are attracted to negative emotions, and as long as you're not scared or angry, then you're almost invisible to these guys." Roman informed the guard, and he remembered that night on the Atlesian ship, the place where he had died on. Eaten by a Grimm because he was a little angry at Red.

"That sounds ridiculous!"

Roman only smirked as a random beowolf Grimm had come out of nowhere and tackled the guard to the ground. He struggled on the ground as the beast tried to chomp on his face, and Roman was impressed that the guard was able to last this long. But the bad thing is, the beowolf was a sign that there were a whole lot more Grimm monsters in town. So Roman wasted no time and placed a bullet deep into the wolf's eye and out on the opposite end.

"Gee, I wonder how they've got through your defences." The thief spoke aloud as he felt the ground beneath his hooves shake just for a short moment.

Roman looked around himself, he could hear the screams just around the corner, and the roars and howls of numerous Grimm beasts. The thief remained passive, though he was still a bit peeved off, he couldn't risk it and attract some unwanted attention from those soulless monsters.

"See?" Roman was still smirking as he brought the guard back on his hooves.

"Fine! But I still can't just let you go!"

"Are you forgetting that I had defeated a manticore all by myself?" The guard tried to argue back, but then he realized that Roman could handle himself, and he was needed elsewhere.

"Alright, just don't get yourself hurt."

"Will do sir!" Roman saluted towards the guard. He returned his gesture back before running off to do his job. "I really need a drink."

His throat was a little dry after his fight with that Grimm, so Roman had decided to just go look for a place to quench his thirst. As he walked through the streets filled with chaos, Roman had finally noticed the large horde of Grimm rampaging throughout the town. They all had somehow passed through the guards and attacked Ponyville. As to why exactly? Roman does not hold the answer to the question.

And all he cared about was his main objective, get a drink and let the authorities, as well as Applejack and her friends, handle this. He was an outsider and it was not his place to help, he's not some good samaritan that just ran to someone's aid. He's a criminal, one that only looked out for himself.

Besides, the Iron Legion were actually doing some work, sure they couldn't really handle two or more Grimms at the same time, but they were doing a great job with protecting any civilians in the mix. He had to commend them for that.

But it seems to be a losing battle, the horde of Grimm had just come out of nowhere and attacked the town. The guards were practically caught with their pants off. There were so many Grimm running around that Roman felt a little nostalgic. It was just like home, and he hated that.

He sighed as he ducked below an ursa's giant paw and shot it right in the mouth, killing it instantly with his explosive flare. The Grimm were annoying, that's true, but he paid it no mind as he continued his quest.

An explosion boomed in the distance, Roman only glanced at it once before ignoring it completely.

Just as he minded his own business, a very familiar scream had reached his ears. But before he could even move a finger, or hoof in this case, a cloud of dirt had kicked up right in front of him when something had crashed down into the earth. Once the dust settled, it revealed an injured guard, it was the one from before, the guard who was concerned for him.

Roman hadn't expected to meet him again so soon, but it was a small world after all.

He looked around and searched for anyone that could help the poor guard, but there was not even a single Legionnaire around, not even a Grimm was present. It was as if something had pulled the horde somewhere else. Roman shrugged his shoulders as he just ignored it, he didn't really care if the Grimm were at granny's house.

Now that he thought about it, where did this guard even come from? Must've been a beringel, probably even batted him from somewhere else and sent him over to Roman.

Roman shook his head clear, there was no one around to help the guard, so that leaves him to Roman's care. And as much as he wanted to just walk away, Roman had no other choice. So he hooked his cane on the guard's armor and started dragging him around like a corpse. Roman was sure that he was still alive, now that he thinks of it, he hadn't checked on the guard if he was breathing at all.

Roman just shrugged his shoulders once more, getting a drink is more important right now and this guard was only a side quest. At least this way, his body would be intact if he really was dead.


The door to the tavern was kicked open, a few ponies who were hiding in the building screamed. But their fear had faded away once Roman slipped inside with the Legionnaire on his shoulder. Without a word, Roman strolled straight over to the bar and set the unconscious guard on a stool before sitting next to him. The guard sat perfectly on the stool, and looked like a man who'd just lost everything. It was symbolic to Roman, so much that he chuckled silently.

He then gave the bar top a tap, and a mare peaked over it, she was definitely the owner of the place. Silently, Roman pointed a hoof towards the shelves where the bottles of alcohol were displayed behind her. The mare reluctantly reached for a single bottle and slowly brought it over to Roman, but just as the bottle was an inch away from his hoof, it slipped off hers and bounced once on the bar top then it went straight to the floor where it shattered in two. The other ponies cringed.

Roman raised a judgemental brow towards the mare, and she quickly redeemed herself by bringing another bottle, she was successful this time. A second after, the mare brought him a shot glass, and Roman gave her a generous tip for working during a monster attack. Even though she was hesitant.

He popped it open and helped himself with the booze, once he filled the glass he flipped the bottle over to read the label. Just plain old whiskey, not his first choice in all honesty, but Roman needed this right now. He checked the guard once more, he was still out cold.

Roman downed the shot as he scanned the room, there were a few ponies, not too many. And they were all just hiding below tables, but the way they stared at him showed that they were fearful of the thief. Roman couldn't blame them, he just waltzed right in with an unconscious Iron Legion guard by his side, and then he just went straight over to the bar for a drink. It was strange, sure, but Roman couldn't care less.

As of right now, he had a date with a bottle of booze, and right now the bottle was looking sexy.

"So," Roman started to speak and the mare behind the bar peaked over again. "could you tell me how long these Shadow Beasts were on this planet, bartender?"

"The Shadow Beasts?"

"They're called Grimm actually." Roman corrected her.

"W-well, I don't know what to tell you dude, the Grimm just popped out, like, before the sisters even appeared."

"So they were here for a very long time, huh?" Roman absorbed this new information. "Here I thought this place was great. Tell me, where do they come from?"

"The Eveefree Forest and a few other locations, no one knows where exactly, but they rarely ever leave the forest!"

Roman pondered about what she had just said. If it is only a rare occurrence, then why did so many Grimm is attacking the town? This question was on Roman's mind, he had tried to answer it, but he couldn't think of any. But after a short minute, it clicked.

"They were after me..." He muttered.

The bartender was puzzled, she heard him very clearly yet she couldn't understand.

Roman leveled his eye with hers and she flinched under his cold gaze. "They were after me."

"W-what!?"

What started as a light chuckle turned into a villainous laugh that echoed throughout the tavern. The other ponies stared at him, the fear they felt about him grew as they became puzzled as to what he had found so amusing.

Roman grinned on the stool and faced the others. "These so called Shadow Beasts are here for me! Ha! Can you all believe that!?"

"What did he say?"

"He said that these monsters are here because of him."

"What!? Then why are we just letting him stay here!?"

Roman raised his hooves in the air and made an attempt to steer this mess that definitely wanted him out. "People, calm down! Or else you'll bring those animals right at our doorstep! They are attracted to negative emotions, and if you keep going where I think you're going, then you'll be Grimm chow!"

His plan worked, the truth of the Grimm's nature had made the ponies reconsider. This way, they'll play into his hooves like two lucky dice.

"But... what should we do then?" A frightened pony inquired.

He smirked, from his jacket he produced a pouch that he had "found". "We enjoy ourselves!" Roman hopped on top of the bar, surprising the bartender in the process. "As long as we're happy, then those nasty Grimm won't ever come near us!"

"But why are they even here in the first place!? What did you do!?"

Roman sighed loudly. "Oum and the brothers above! I had an awful day yesterday! Some egghead kept following me around and I was nearly killed by a golden statue!"

The whole building was filled with the "Oh" from every single pony in the tavern.

"But, a lot of us get crummy days. But no Grimm-" Roman grinned as the name was catching on. "-had ever showed up! Unless there was some kind of trouble that really bothered everyone, but even then, there were only a few Grimm that came out of the forest! Not this many!"

"Well friend," Roman sat down on the bar top. "my soul is far different from anyone's, it's tastier than yours! Because I'm not truly a pony, more of a wicked person who got hexed into one!"

The group glanced at each other, uncertain of Roman's words. But soon enough, they began to believe that he was indeed different by soul.

"Then what do we do?"

Roman chuckled. "We, my friends, shall party and forget all the troubles that is happening today! Bartender, drinks are on me!"

The mood was quick to shift from gloomy to joyful, no longer did they doubt the thief as the bartender served them their drinks of choice. None were concerned about the time as they were too distracted by the mugs and shot glasses that were given to them. No longer were they hiding, now they all sat in their tables as they enjoyed their drinks.

And as Roman had planned, they were already smiling and chattering, the ponies had completely forgotten about the terror outside, and Roman was going to keep it that way until it all dies down. And the heroes would save the day like always. He scoffed, as much as he liked hanging out with Applejack, he realized that someday they'll both be at each other's neck.

Hopefully that wouldn't be today or this week, Roman really hoped that she and especially Scootaloo would never ever find out. But he knew it was coming. Roman grinned sheepishly, it wasn't like him to worry about something like this. Applejack was practically an enemy, yet he respected her as a friend. Maybe this world had softened him up after a few days.

Speaking of which, Roman had begun to wonder about Trixie and how she was doing. He doesn't know what that unicorn is up to, but he hopes that she isn't doing anything dangerous until he returns.

Author's Note:

Green eyes, scary noise, in a bank.

Grimm, old, big, monsters.

Roman, fun, alive, evil cruel.

Trixie, semblance, unseen, hint?

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