• Published 26th Aug 2019
  • 5,555 Views, 170 Comments

Criminally Stupendous - dudenotactive



Roman thought it was the end for him, but in a strange twist of fate the thief somehow lives. Sadly, dying wasn't enough for him to rethink his life of crime, and now he's back at it again.

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A Bit Of Spice

It was a cold morning in Manehattan, the shadows still exist due to the towering buildings all around Roman. The sun was just behind this wall of concrete and glass. The streets were still empty at this time of day, though there were a few ponies out and about but none of them even paid a glance at Roman. He was already wearing his usual clothes, and yet none reacted when their eyes landed upon him. They weren't even curious as to why this thief was out in the open.

All Roman could think of right now was getting back to his hideout as soon as possible, there was so much things to do, so many questions to ask. Especially the Scroll he had discovered back at BT's pizzeria. Speaking of the tomato, BT was found guilty of so many crimes that really surprised Roman. Smuggling, thievery, and against his own words, conspiring with the infamous Roman Torchwick.

Roman chuckled at the thought of BT getting interrogated by the Iron Legion, the guard regiment that wanted Roman alive.

All in all, the job was done. He even got himself an inside man for the Iron Legion. And Perry had delivered. Just before he had hopped onto the train out of Canterlot, Perry had given him a map filled with the location of every Iron Legion outpost. There was one so close to Manehattan, something Roman made sure to remember. With this new ally, he will be one step ahead of Ironwood's doppelganger.

But then there's the final reason why Roman was in a hurry back to the hideout, Adam Taurus. He and his fanatics are in Equestria, and there is obvious bad blood between Roman and those mutts. One thing, Roman had never ever met Adam, which he was thankful for from what he heard about the mad bull of the White Fang. Dangerous, cold, and terrifying. These are the words those White Fang grunts would use to describe Adam, Roman thought it was nothing but every story has a beginning.

A reputation like Adam's is something to be concerned about, Roman was just a crook, Adam was a damn terrorist. There were times Roman had used explosives but Adam and his previous jobs were broadcast all around Remnant. Roman scoffed at Adam's motivation, the extinction of humanity.

Roman hated humanity as much as the next guy but he didn't want a complete genocide, he had a business with those idiots. But there is the fact that he no longer works with humans, no, he works with candy looking horses in another dimension. Yet Roman worries for the ponies, Adam is unhinged from all the rumors he had heard of, cutting down any traitors and humans alike.

For now, he needed to get back home as quickly as possible.


The entrance to the hideout went up wide open. Roman stomped right in and discovered the twins sitting on his couch while Trixie, who was tied up in a coil of rope, sat on hers. Roman quickly scanned the room and noticed Fuchsia was already here, working in the kitchen making some breakfast with the help of Lavender as well as... Trixie? Must be the clone, or the real one. Roman couldn't really tell sometimes.

The thief walked over to the twins with an unreadable face, he had also noticed a strange look coming from Trixie who was all tied up. "Morning boss!" Flim greeted.

"We have some great news, the Dust powered toasters are selling like hot cakes and the General of the Iron Legion started an investment with the Candlewick Corp! We now have enough funds to begin our project. The Bullhead will be ready as soon as you give us the word!" Flam spoke enthusiastically.

"Put a hold on that project!" Roman snapped, the twins recoiled back a little. "We have a problem that I should really deal with. Repaint all Atlesian weapons to black, and don't ever answer if they ask about where Dust comes from! Also, tell Greeny to call the Snow farm and increase their defences!"

"Yes sir!" Both twins answered.

Roman turned towards Trixie but just as he was about to even say a single word he bit down his own tongue in shock. The mare that sat on the couch wasn't Trixie, but someone who looked just like her. The coat was in a shade of orange and her mane was blonde. Her face and mane style, with slight alterations, are the same as Trixie's. The thief stared at this mare, a unicorn just like the magician, and wondered who this was. He couldn't really ask since the mare had duct tape over her mouth.

"Trixie?" He called out to the one in the kitchen area suspecting that she was the one true Trixie. "Who is this?"

The magician leaned out a bit to see "Oh, that's Trixie's mom."

"Why is your mother tied up like this?"

"I... I don't know..." She stuttered a bit.

"Trixie." Roman demanded an answer.

"It's nothing, okay!?"

"Don't make me come over there!" He threatened.

"Trixie is telling the truth!" She tried to convince him, but Roman simply raised his cane towards her. She stuttered back a little, her eyes were focused on the weapon and her heart raced as he pointed it at her. "Okay! Alright!" She cried out in defeat. "I kidnapped her! There! Are you happy!?"

"Kidnapped her!?" Roman exclaimed. "Why the hell did you kidnap your own mother!?"

"It's complicated, okay!?"

Flim leaned closer to his brother and whispered. "I hate it when mommy and daddy fights." To which the twins started chuckling amongst themselves.

"I heard that you idiots!" Roman shot a glare at them. "Now Trixie, just tell me why and I won't scold you." Roman spoke softly and reassured Trixie that he wouldn't be mad about her decision,whatever it may be.

"Fine!" The unicorn stomped straight over to her mother and glared at Roman as she did so. "My mom was invited here in Manehattan for an interview and to give her opinion about my current... career, she accepted and was about to start until I snatched her away yesterday. And I was not about to let that happen!"

"Alright," Roman nodded. "How did you even know about that?"

"Lucky Spice told me, she had someone working in Manehattan's post office and they managed to discover a letter being sent directly to my mother." Trixie shrunk a little and she looked away from Roman. "Are you mad?"

Roman placed a hoof on her shoulder and smiled warmly. "No I'm not Trix', I just wished you had told me about it before I left for Canterlot. Then I could've helped you in some way."

"Thanks Roman." She said as she raised her head.

"No problem, now let's untie your mother and give her a proper greeting."

"Did you realise that it was Trixie's mother and not her clone?" Flam asked his brother making sure he was unheard by the others.

"Nope, I thought that was Trixie herself and she was practicing magic again as well as her stage act. You know, because apparently she is still a magician by heart." Flim answered.

"Quiet, both of you!" Roman silenced them both.

Trixie was undoing the ropes as quick as she could and slowly peeled off the duct tape, realising her own mother from the prison Trixie had put her in. Once the tape was off, all hell broke loose.

"How could you do this to your own mother!?" She scolded Trixie just seconds after her voice could be heard. "I thought I raised you better, Trixie Lulamoon!"

"Mom!" Trixie whined.

"Excuse me ma'am, I am Rom-"

Trixie's mother silenced the thief with a hoof straight to his cheek, everypony in the room recoiled, shocked that the mare had the guts to assault Roman just like that. "I know who you are," She scowled. "you're the stallion that influenced my daughter!"

"Mom!" Trixie exclaimed before she stepped forward and stood between the thief and her mother. "I'm so sorry Roman, she didn't mean that!"

Roman scowled in return. "Trix', I'm gonna go cool off." Roman practically growled like a dog, he gave Trixie's mother one last glance before leaving.

"Ooh, someone's in trouble!" Flam teased as soon as Roman was out of the building.

"Shut up you donkey!" Trixie snapped at the wrong twin, then she faced her mother. "Mom, why did you do that!?"

The mare who shall now be known as Sunflower Spectacle, only adopted a look of disappointment. "Why shouldn't I? He led you in the wrong path and now you're a wanted mare! Honestly, if I knew you would end up like this then I would have brought you back home myself!"

"Mom, please!"

"You know," Flim began. "my brother and I have work to do, so we will just be on our way and let you and your mother catch up!"

"That's right, so off we go!" The other agreed, and just like that the twins were gone, leaving Trixie alone with her mother.

Fuchsia and her coworker opted to stay in the kitchen area trying not to make a sound as they prepared breakfast.

Sunflower glared at the entrance where the twins went through. "And these unicorns you hang out with, they act like a couple of swindlers! It's bad enough that you are in cahoots with that crook, but those two don't look like honest stallions! Those mares on the other hoof are fine."

After being mentioned by the older mare, the two earth ponies couldn't help but feel flattered and glad that they were on Sunflower's good side.

"Mom!" Trixie whined.

"Don't 'mom' me! Listen young lady, do you have any idea how I felt when I read that you and that- that hooligan robbed a bank!? I was worried sick!"

Trixie shied away. "Mom, please, Roman isn't some hooligan."

"I was worried, Trixie, about where you are! And I was afraid that something bad could've happened! Not only that, but a friend of mine told me about your visit in Ponyville, and how you were almost eaten by an Ursa Major!"

"Mom, I can explain..."

"You are not talking your way out of this Trixie Lulamoon, I am bringing you straight back home right now!"

Trixie gasped. "What!? You can't!" Even the two mares in the kitchen were afraid. Taking Trixie away just like that? It's something they were scared of, Trixie leaving completely. Especially for Fuchsia.

"I can and I will, a mother would never want their own child to end up in prison! This way I can keep an eye on you and make sure that you're as safe as ever!"

"You can't just do what you want!" Trixie argued back. "I am a grown mare who is old enough to make her own decisions!"

"Well this mare made some terrible decisions if you ask me!"

"You know what!? I shouldn't take this from you! I am an adult, I can do what I want and there's nothing you can do about it!" With that, the magician threw down a smoke bomb and was consumed in a thick blue cloud, once it dissipated, the unicorn was no longer there.

"Trixie, what did I tell you about using smoke bombs to run away from me!?" Sunflower sighed with defeat, she knew that her daughter was no longer around. She could've just left, but her daughter needed her, Sunflower was sure of that. "Where did I go wrong with that girl?"

"Um, excuse me miss?" Sunflower heard Lavender's call for her attention. In her hooves was a plate of today's breakfast. "Would you like some egg toasts? We made them for everyone but... they kinda left."

"Of course, thank you very much." The older mare sighed as she accepted the plate, it was just plain old toast and a fried egg on top of it. Nothing fancy, just basic food to fuel a pony for the whole morning. "This is truly lovely," She smiled.

"Thanks, we hope that you would enjoy your stay here." Fuchsia bid her farewell for now and returned to her work.

As Sunflower took a bite from her toast, she couldn't help but feel worried for her daughter, she wondered where that mare is right now.


"Thought I'd find you here." Roman perked up from the stool he sat on, a cold glass of vodka was held tightly in his hoof as he leaned against the bar top. He looked over his shoulder to find his partner in crime just standing there with a gloomy face. "Isn't it a little early to be drinking right now?"

It was indeed too early, seven AM in the morning to be accurate. And yet here he was, in some bar near the hideout drinking his time away. Thankfully, the bar and the pony who runs it was in Lucky Spice's territory, which meant that the bartender was one of Spice's underlings. Since it was early in the morning, there were no other patrons, only Trixie and Roman.

"If you were in my shoes, then you'd very much invite a bottle of vodka to a romantic dinner in some 5-star restaurant." Roman quickly downed the glass and asked the bartender for another. "Besides, I'm waiting for Spice so I can have a little chat. Would you like a drink? I'm paying..."

"I would rather not, but I will have juice as an exception." Trixie took a seat on the stool next to him, Roman waved over to the bartender and Trixie was given her order. A simple and sweet lemonade, no alcohol.

"So, how's Sunny?"

"Sunny?" Trixie cocked a brow.

Roman shrugged his shoulders. "Her mark is a sunflower, so I figured that would be her name also."

"Correct, but her full name is Sunflower Spectacle."

"Right, last names don't really matter much to a lot of ponies in this world. Would've thought it was Lulamoon."

"We aren't like humans, though our culture has a few things in common, we are still ponies and you, an alien."

"Hear, hear." Roman raised his glass in agreement. "And you know the thing that separates us both the most?" He asked rhetorically. "Violence."

The mare chuckled. "Don't have to tell me twice."

"That's also the thing I wanted to talk to you about," His voice shifted to a deeper tone. "there's also a race called faunus in my world, they looked like us but the thing that separates us were the animal features that the faunus' have. Talking about half man, half slobbering mutt, and those mutts have some bad blood with humans."

"Let me guess, you have some friends over for dinner." She smirked.

Roman grinned back at her. "Right you are Trix', and they aren't just some teensy weensy problem, they're a whole different story. The fricken White Fang."

"Trixy is confident that they would not possess a threat to Trixie."

"It ain't the grunts I'm scared of, it's the stinkin' bull I'm worried about. He was the leader of the White Fang of Vale, brutal and very short tempered. He's pretty strong too, and I rather not charge straight at him in a fight."

"As if you should be afraid, Roman. Remember what you taught me? Just be faster if he's stronger, be smarter if he's faster."

Roman chuckled softly. "I sure am a great teacher. Get ready Trix', I'm gonna train you even harder. And trust me, you'll need it for the near future."

Trixie leaned against the bar top and let out a snort of a laugh. "Trixie is ready, and Trixie will be triumphant against whatever you throw at me!"

"That's the spirit!"

"That is indeed, the spirit. Never give up Trixie!" Both thieves quickly recoiled in shock, caught off guard by Lucky Spice who stood behind the bar, she leaned over it with a smirk. "Oh, was I interrupting?"

"Spice," Roman hissed, Trixie made a note of the lack of nickname, meaning Roman was mad. Of what? Trixie will have to find out. "I couldn't help but notice that you never told me what this product of yours was, and I am a tad bit curious about it."

Spice didn't not waver, she was unfazed by the strong aura of anger coming from the thief. "Well, it wasn't important, all you had to do was bring it to me. But sadly, it had been destroyed, just as you had said. On the bright side, Big Tomato will be gone for a long time, which means I can start my business in Canterlot without a problem."

"Glad that you got something out of it,"

"But you'll get something as well," She produced a letter and placed it on the bar top. "information is money. Or so you say."

"The sketch artist..." Trixie gasped.

Roman was about to reach for it, but Spice pulled out a dagger and slammed it down on the letter with a loud thud, Trixie nearly fell off her stool as she recoiled. Roman then glared at the earth pony. "What is this?"

"This, my good sir, is a dagger of my own design. Currently, it chambers a red Dust round, I'll let you connect the dots." This was an odd scene for Trixie, never would she have thought that Lucky Spice would bring Roman to this. She was threatening to destroy the letter and withhold information from Roman.

"You're making a big mistake, Spice." He scowled.

"Am I? I'm sure you would never harm a single hair on my head, I am the only lead you will ever have. And if anything, I can destroy you, Roman Torchwick."

"It's like today is the day the women in my current life were given a chance to slap me right now." He sighed in defeat. "What do you want?"

"My friend told me about a strange scene in the basement of Tomato's pizzeria. In one room, there they found the unconscious bodies of Tomato and his goons. In the room across, was a room that was covered in ash and soot. There was also reports of an earthquake, and putting two and two together, I figured that there was no possible way to destroy the product from another room unless the door was open."

"You guessed right, Spice. I destroyed that Scroll you made." Roman admitted to his crime, and though Trixie had no idea what he meant, she did understand what Roman meant when he said 'Scroll'. She had the displeasure of being humiliated by the Scroll, and Roman still had the pictures to show for it.

"I see." Spice smiled. But it was hollow, Roman could see past it, deep down he could tell that she was seething. For the first time since they met, Roman had finally seen her inner workings.

"If you ever steal from me Spice? Then I am not at fault for whatever punishment comes to you." That was enough for Trixie to shift a little, she adjusted herself for what is to come. Her eyes focused on the letter under the dagger.

"Is that so?" Spice still held the same smile. "I fear that our partnership might have some problems..." Her hoof twitched for a second, Trixie nearly jumped at the mare but she kept herself from doing so. One wrong move, and poof, the letter is ash.

"Oh is that so?" Roman cocked a brow. "Then maybe this will fix it." From out of nowhere, a beautiful necklace was slapped onto the bar top. It was made of gold, and the design was simply awe inspiring. With a large ruby in a cut of an emerald right in the center of it all. There were a total of six sapphires that complimented this amazing accessory.

"That can't be..." Spice gasped.

"A necklace that was previously owned by the princess of Equestria, Celestia herself." Roman held his scowl, his face did not soften one bit. "This would be a perfect exchange for the Scroll, and it is far more valuable."

There was a whole minute of silence, Trixie did not dare to disturb, she only spectated the whole scene. Frozen by the outcomes of every turn that was done in quick succession. It had seemed that Spice was intent on burning the letter, yet now, she herself was stiff as a statue. Roman waited, but he knew that Spice was already in the palm of his hand, and it was only a matter of time before he would close his fist.

After another minute, Spice pulled the dagger away and swiped the necklace off the bar top. "I am glad that we have come to a better end for this whole situation."

"Whatever, Spice, just don't steal from me ever again."

"Oh Roman, like I would ever dream of it." Her smile then shifted to a scowl, she gave Roman a final glare before leaving with the necklace.

Roman could only hope that this would be the last time he and Spice would have some conflict with each other. Hopefully she learned her lesson and would think twice before stealing from him again. How she got the idea of Scrolls is beyond him. All he knows is that he should be more cautious around Spice.

"Hey Roman?" Trixie finally spoke after his talk with Spice. "Can my mom crash at our place for a while?"

Roman sighed, finally letting his face relax. "Sure, why the heck not?"

Author's Note:

You know, to me, Adam Taurus is kinda like a Vergil wannabe. His hairstyle is slick back, he hates humanity, he is clearly motivated, and he has a powerful katana.

I mean, there was this cool concept art with him in a coat, and man, he looked sick.