• Published 26th Aug 2019
  • 2,985 Views, 147 Comments

Criminally Stupendous - trustissues



Roman thought it was the end for him, but in a strange twist of fate the thief somehow lives. Sadly, dying wasn't enough for him to rethink his life of crime, and now he's back at it again.

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Thief Of Equestria

You know, had the girl in front of him not been a constant thorn in his side from the moment they met… he might actually feel a bit proud of how far she had come. As it stood the little red clad nuisance had somehow managed to find a way aboard their stolen Atlesian battle cruiser and embarrassingly enough, managed to get rid of Neo. Roman Torchwick tightened his grip on his cane as he seethed, this was supposed to be easy. Sit aboard the ship and watch the city burn while making sure the soldiers stayed corrupted puppets to their cause as Cinder did… well whatever she well pleased then he and Neo would be free from her grasp. Perhaps he could receive another job offer… but there was no time for those thoughts, right now a certain primary color needed some lessons in proper manners.

Well, she may have gotten rid of Neo but that won’t change a thing. Roman eyed her scythe that was still embedded in the ship far from her reach, Not like she has any hand to hand combat skills or she would have used them back at Mount Glenn… Children these days, they rely too much on their toys.

"I don’t care what you say! We will stop them and I will stop you! BET ON THAT!" Red yelled in that irritatingly childish voice before dashing side to side on a path straight for him, her fist cocked back as rose petals trailed in her wake.

Roman brought up his cane like a rifle, taking a second to train his sights upon Red and pulled the trigger and just as the dust round left the barrel Roman swung his cane across, catching the round and shifting it into a red wave of dust energy that flew forth in a spread knocking Red clear off her feet and tumbling backward. The second her feet touched the ground he was already upon her slamming his cane across her face before unloading another bullet directly into her abdomen sending her once again flying back although this time she landed on her back, skidding painfully against the deck.

“You got spirit Red.” Roman taunted as he casually approached the girl who was struggling to her feet “But this is the real world!” a swing of his cane and her body hit the floor again. “The real world is cold!” another brutal swing came down on Red and she cradled her body to soften the blow. “The real world doesn’t care about spirit!” The cane raised once more but a boot to his knee knocked him from his feet. “You wanna be the hero!?” Roman seethed as they both stood back up.

"Then play the part and die like every other huntsman in history!” Roman wound up a brutal baseball swing that landed right on her self righteous little face sending her tumbling to the ground again.

The world isn’t as pretty as you think and there’s no way you are coming out on top in this fight. "As for me, I’ll do what I do best: lie,” Roman took a step toward her. “Steal,” raising his cane in both arms he glared down at her, “Cheat!” Its over Red, ever since we met at that dust shop you’ve been a thorn in my side, sticking your nose into everything-- annoying but it all ends here. I’ll get rid of you once and for all. Roman swung down screaming, “AND SURVI--”

Roman had enough time for his eyes to widen before a gigantic beak engulfed him and everything went black.

Surprisingly dying didn’t seem to hurt much… just a sense of floating in an endless abyss. Oh and a feeling of profound irritation, he had her on the ropes and was a second away from ending that little nuisance only to be what… eaten by a Grimm while his back was turned? I mean what kind of dues ex machina is this? Red is terrible in a fight so a Grimm that she can easily handle does the deed? She’s probably already got up, grabbed her scythe and taken care of the Grimm while I’m dead. Once again I’m reminded of how cruel this world really is...

"No." Romans voice echoed in the darkness. "No, no, no, NO, NOOOOOOO!"

Disbelief warred with frustration and anger as the reality slowly set in, he was dead.

"This can't be happening! I can't die!" He yelled out, flailing his arms around in an attempt to grasp anything, something to hold onto in this dark abyss. "I just can’t die, I have unfinished business, so much to do! Damn it! Oum be damned! Not yet, the things I've done to get to where I am today, I'm not done yet damn it!"

A spark of light in the void caught his eye-- an orange flicker. It was a symbol… his symbol and its light enthralled him. Roman reached for the light and could feel himself nearing it but before he can reach out to grasp it a slimly tentacle wrapped around his ankle jerking him away. Growling Roman struggled to reach the light before looking behind him.

A demon.

A shadowy silhouette with horns was the only thing he could make out before he turned back toward the light and willed himself forward with all his might. My soul isn’t yours for the taking you devil!

While the tentacle pulled and pulled Roman fought harder to reach out toward the light trying his damned best to not let his soul be taken but just as it was in arms reach more tentacles shot out of the dark, wrapping around his neck and left arm.

“I’ve not… come this far… to die now! Roman roared as he reached out his right hand to touch the light, which shattered upon contact.

Fool…” The tentacles drew back and Roman glanced back with wide eyes at the demon, “I was trying to help you, my brother and I did not approve of thisbut now you are no longer ours now that you have answered the call.”

“What?” suddenly the abyss was replaced with white light, completely blinding Roman as his consciousness fled him.

The black empty abyss turned white, blinding Roman by the brightness, before blacking out.


Trixie sighed as she stared up at the clear blue sky, another failed attempt to captivate ponies and show them her greatness. She had been performing terribly ever since the incident in Ponyville and it seemed that nothing was going her way. That accursed Twilight Sparkle, how dare she humiliate me. If anything, it was Twilight's fault, she just had to be better than Trixie, the mere thought of that unicorn infuriated Trixie.

So there she was, pulling her new cart to the next city for her show, Manehattan. It was perfect; a big city like that meant there were more ponies to see her amazing acts. It also meant more bits... Which happened to be a problem since Trixie was running low on money after buying that new wagon and honestly wasn’t sure if she would last long enough. Her stomach growled loudly and she sighed once more as she eyed the grass by the road, perhaps a few bites, it doesn’t look too terri---

"No, Trixie is a unicorn of noble birth! She will not stoop so low as to eat grass off the road like poor pony!" Though as she eyed the grass something else caught her attention off the road a few hooves away. Curiosity getting the better of her Trixie walked over to investigate.

Upon closer examination Trixie discovered an unconscious stallion sprawled out on the ground. Said stallion was dressed to the nines, across his pearl coat the stallion wore a white three button suit jacket with a gray scarf wrapped around his neck. Black boots adorned his forelegs and an equally black bowler hat with a feather in it was atop his head. An orange mane spilled out from under his hat and covered his right eye. Trixie wasn’t exactly a fashion snob but even she thought that wearing a white coat when your literal coat was white did not look so great… but back to the matter at hand, whomever this stallion was he was definitely rich by the looks of it. This is perfect, Trixie could-- no she couldn’t rob a pony blind nor would she break the law… even if Trixie could use the bits.”

“Hmmm, well if nopony knows then who could possibly accuse Trixie?” she muttered glancing around for witnesses before slowly unhitching herself from her wagon. Tip hooving closer to the sleeping pony Trixie carefully began to inspect the pockets of his jacket with her magic. The first item she took out was a small metal box with some kind of jack-o-lantern symbol on it, next was a bunch of plastic cards which were entirely useless, puzzled she took out a piece of glass that while pretty was ultimately useless as well.

Finally she took out a hoof full of small cylinders. Finally something Trixie can get some bits with!. There were eight glowing crystals of various colors and she could detect a hint of magic within the crystals, obviously they were valuable.

"Drop them, slowly." cut out a smooth voice causing Trixie to shriek and nearly drop the crystals, looking up a cane is pointed right at her muzzle in the hooves of the pony currently standing upright on two hindlegs. "Robbing me while I sleep? You remind me of my e- wait, what in Oum's name are you?"

"T-Trixie is a unicorn you feather brain!"

The stallion's eye widened. "Oh god, you can talk..."

"Of course Trixie can talk, we unicorns are an intelligent race of ponies, unlike you!"

"Are you insulting me? Because I'm not getting any of those. Also, a unicorn? What?" Glancing down to eye the rest of his almost pilfered goods he noticed his pantless state-- oh and he had hooves instead of feet. "What. The. Hell."

Seeing her chance, Trixie quietly backed up toward her wagon, but felt something was missing, it was the crystals, they were no longer in the hold of her magic. "W-what the?"

"I don't think these belong to you." Trixie heard the pony call, she could feel a menacing aura surrounding him as he casually tucked the crystals into his pocket save for one red one.

"Give those back!"

"Or what?" The stallion questioned with a smirk as he leaned on his cane while inspecting the red crystal in his hoof.

"Or Trixie s-shall...smite you with her great and powerful magic!"

"You talk in third person a lot, got a superiority complex huh? I can tell." He let out a long sigh. "Listen, I have no idea where I am, and I don't think you know how to handle these crystals, so could you be a doll and help a guy out? Be a good samaritan for me."

The unicorn shook her head. "No, Trixie will not help you... unless there is a reward for her aid with whatever that is you need!" She said while eyeing the crystal.

Smirking the pony sized Trixie up, almost as if he were inspecting her and after a moment his smirk turned into a full on grind. “Well I just so happened to notice that you were very good at picking my pockets; such a talent, I barely felt your hands.”

“First; its hooves.” The hatted pony momentarily frowned, “Second, of course you didn’t feel a thing; I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! Trixie is the most talented mare in Equestria and no pony could ever hope to defeat her. Not even in their own game.

“Ooh, so you admit to trying to steal my stuff eh?”

Trixie nearly tripped as she realized her mistake, as the grin on the stallions face grew. “Well Trixie… uh..”



"How about we play a game, hmm?" The pegasus pocketed the red crystal in his jacket and and removed his hoof to reveal a card. Said card depicted the stallion himself with the word 'Joker' on the top and bottom sides of the card. "The rules are simple, we take turns hiding this card and whoever doesn't find it loses. The winner decides the fate of the loser. Game?"

"Is that all?" The unicorn questioned, to which the stallion nodded with a flourish. "Ha! Very well, the Great and Powerful Trixie shall start first!" Trotting over she swiped the card with her hoof, "Prepare to be amazed as Trixie finishes this game with a single turn, for no one can defeat the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

With a flick of her hoof, the card vanished as Trixie stood on her hindlegs and dramatically waved her forelegs in the air before lightly tapping them on the stallion's jacket all the while maintaining eye contact with him. He’s focused on my hooves, perfect. He can watch them all he wants but he will never find the card. After pretending to fix his jacket she patted his shoulder down to the hoof that was holding his cane and made sure to tap his booted hoof once. Trixie grinned, the card had been skillfully hidden.



"You have already lost!" She confidently declared herself as the winner. There was no way the stallion was going to fin--

"It’s under my hat." lifting his hat he revealed that the card was indeed under his hat.

"What! H-how!?" Trixie spoke with disbelief. "But you weren't paying attention!"

"I wasn't? Who decided that?" He let out a small chuckle. "I gotta say, it was really impressive that you didn't even look, but sadly, you didn't take account of this." He lifted up his other hoof to reveal the piece of glass from earlier, but it had both Trixie and the stallion on it, it was like playing a memory from another point of view and it was showing everything.

Trixie's eyes widened as the memory-like thing following her moves, it even revealed the part where she tossed the card over him with her magic and lifted his hat slightly to slip the card in. Then she saw it, the reveal of the card and her own shocked face.

Trixie's gaze snapped back to the stallion and for the first time she could feel an aura of skill and experience coming from him that frankly started to intimidate the showmare.

"I didn't even feel it, really amazing. I can tell that it was hard, don't really know how you did it, but you bent the card a little just to hide it!"

"N-no!" Trixie raised her voice, she was not accepting this at all. "You cheated! You've used some kind of magical item, t-that's cheating!"

"And you using your own magic isn't?" The pony noticed Trixie flinch on the spot. "From what I understand, you unicorns are skilled with magic.. but I'm-" The stallion looked over himself for a moment. I guess I’m a horse..? He could feel his ears inhumanely rotate and something above his ass twitched. His jacket also felt oddly restrictive and when a hoof slipped behind his back he felt feathers. Another inhumanely twitch, Wow are those wings? So I’ve been turned into something mythical as well huh? Well Pegusus sounds a lot cooler than ‘just a horse’ “a pegasus, and I have the disadvantage here, not you."

"Fine!" Trixie harrumphed. "Cheat if you want, but Trixie shall win no matter what! Go ahead, take your turn and hide the card so Trixie can easily find it!"

"Oh?" He smiled. "I already hid it."

"What!? We were still talking, Trixie was distracted!"

"Part of the game, sweet cheeks."

Trixie started stammering, she couldn't believe that this was happening. She was so confident of beating the unknown pony easily yet here she was, no clue of the whereabouts of the card.

"It’s under my hat!" Trixie declared before lifting her hat to reveal...nothing. "Wait!" She checked herself for the card but it was not anywhere in her cape. Nor was it even in her mane or tail. Her eyes landed upon the stallion who wasn’t even watching her! He was too busy shuffling his wings under his coat while making impressed noises. "You have it! It is with you the whole time!"

"Nope. Give up?" He said without even looking up, jacket now off as he stared at his own wings.

"Trixie does not yield!"

The unicorn looked around, if it wasn't on her or him, then it has to be somewhere else! She looked over to her wagon but it was much too far away and the pegasus didn't even move so it was unlikely it was there… but there was a chance he threw it under her wagon. Trixie wasted no time and rushed over to the wagon, checking below only to find nothing.

"Seems like you're having trouble, give up?" The stallion said, now watching the unicorn with an amused look.

"No, Trixie can't give up, her honor is on the line!" She began scouring the dirt, It's obviously somewhere on the ground! If not, then where!?

Trixie froze on her spot, coming to the realization that it was impossible. The stallion obviously cheated by doing something to the card. The unicorn looked up to find the pegasus holding the metal box with a jack-o-lantern on it and he was using it to light a cigar.

"Where is it?"

"Hmm?" The stallion closed the metal box and pocketed it. "Can't tell you, unless you give up?" Said the pegasus.

"Where is it!?" She repeated herself.

He took a second to breath in the cigar before exhaling all of it out. "Just give up and I'll tell you."

"Fine! Trixie yields! Now where is the card!?" The unicorn froze after realizing her mistake, she had accidentally given up. "W-wait!"

The stallion began chuckling, as it slowly turned into a maniacal cackling Trixie took a step back. His laughter eventually died down enough for him to face her with a devilish smile. "This is too easy!"

"W-what do you mean!?" Trixie asked just as a shadow fell over her face, looking up she found the card she was searching for, slowly gliding down from above. "How did you...?"

"It was easy really, I didn't have the card when you asked because I had already flicked it high up in the air while you were busy checking your cape!" He explained to her with that same grin still on his face. "You were so confident of winning on your first turn, that you quickly started panicking when the thought of losing got to you, it was just so easy!"

"No, I-I...I won't accept this!"

"Are you going to go back on your word? You knew the price, no way getting out of this one." She stayed silent for a moment, not wanting to answer as she dropped her head to the ground. Trixie doesn't even want to look at him right now. "Good girl, now, where in Equestria am I?... Equestria?" He repeated the name, confused as to why it left his mouth.

"A few miles south of Manehattan..." Trixie didn't even look up, she felt humiliated. He had made a fool of her and to make matters worse, he laughed in her face. It felt like salt to a wound, she just had to meet a pony like this. The only thing that she wanted was to get to Manehatten but after being shown up by a random Stallion on the road she couldn’t bring herself to care. What even is the point in going to Manehatten anymore? Turning away Trixie walked back to her wagon in shame, better to leave now then stay and be ridiculed more.

"Where are you going?"

Trixie glanced back with a frown, "Leaving, Trixie no longer needs to converse with you!"

"We had a deal Trix', winner decides the loser's fate."

The unicorn's frown was replaced by a panicked look. "W-what do you want with Trixie?" Who knows what this random pony wants from her? She could only hope for the best.

The stallion's smile turned to a casual smirk, exhaling a puff of smoke he continued. "You know, you're pretty easy to read, like an open book. Let's see, talks in third person, has a superiority complex... You got a rough life, don't you? Was it your childhood? Heh, is the real world not treating you the way you thought it would?"

"What does it matter!?"

"Woah there, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings." the pegasus replied in a calming tone. "All I'm trying to say is, do you want to be my apprentice?"

"You are offering Trixie an apprenticeship? How dare you! Trixie would never do such a thing, especially for a magician who is a complete nopony!"

"Oh, I'm not a magician, I'm a thief." Trixie was taken aback by his brazen claim and thought that he was making fun of her again. But looking into his eyes he the stallion was only showing honesty without a hint of mockery. That strange aura of skill that she was feeling from him started began make sense. "And do I need to remind you about our little bet?"

"If Trixie does not take your offer?"

Without missing a beat, Roman raised his cane towards her, Trixie looked at it with deep confusion, she was even more confused when a reticle fliped over. Before she could ask a bright light shot out of the cane headed straight for her. Self preservation instincts took hold and Trixie just narrowly jumped out of the way. A loud whistle cutsthrough the air followed by a much louder explosion and slowly Trixie looked back to find a pony sized crater in the stop she had been standing. He was threatening her with some kind of magic staff disguised as a cane!

Trixie quite suddenly understood her situation, ever since Ponyville things had been going south and now she came across a dangerous pegasus who was trying to force her into an apprenticeship for a reason she couldn’t fathom. "T-Trixie...I accept..."

"Good, let's get going then, Manehattan sounds like my kind of place!" the pegasus exclaimed as he started walking over to the wago, passing by Trixie who was still sitting shocked on the ground.

"Wait a second," The stallion glanced back at Trixie. "Who are you?"

He turned and faced her completely, taking off his hat he bowed with a flourish, the lit cigar still in his lips. "Torchwick,"

"Roman Torchwick."

Author's Note:

Before you read the rest of the AN, I would first like to give a special thanks to BeardedRedMane for giving this chapter some polish and edited it! Which turned out amazing I would add. Anyways, I am very happy that he had given some of his time on this chapter. If you see this dude, thanks again!

READ ME!!!

Before you go do other stuff, I just wanted to tell you all that this is a rewrite of my first story, Smooth Criminal. I made a blog about this and such, and after a week or more, I decided to start the story over. No, I'm not breaking any site rules, as long as it builds from the ground up, its fine.

Also, the OC from Smooth Criminal might come back, I'm also going differently from what I planned with the original story.

As to why I'm starting over, I have mentioned it in the blog link, but I'll tell you if you didn't read the blog. You see, the story no longer sits well for me and back when three chapters were publish (Which was last year, 2018 July.) I kinda wanted to do it all over, but now after thinking about it, I actually decided to restart the story.

Anyways, if you have any questions about Smooth Criminal or this one, ask away in the comments I'll try to answer if I can.

Hope you enjoyed.

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