Criminally Stupendous

by dudenotactive

A Promise Of Thieves

"Okay, the gazebo is on the way, and the band and catering are booked for the night," Roman spoke to himself. "Did I miss anything?"

He did not look as fancy as he usually does, his jacket was covered in dirt and stains that would take too long to remove. His hair was disheveled and his face was free of any makeup. There were some tears on the ends of his jacket and a few holes here and there.

But finally, he is back in Manehattan, tired and hungry. Sadly there was no time to rest, work to be done and such. He's just happy to finally be back, especially after his encounter with Ozpin. Who would've thought that the man of great potential was among these ponies, and yet he did nothing but watch.

"Living a normal life, my flank, ha!" He said bitterly. "A boring life if you ask me, you wouldn't see the Stupendous Roman Torchwick dead living a life like that."

"Speaking to yourself is not healthy,"

Roman nearly shot at Sunflower Spectacle, his cane was already directed at her face, but she was not intimidated.

"I could've killed you Sunny, don't just sneak up on me like that."

She scoffed. "You're one to talk."

"I am not in the mood." He warned her.

"You've been busy, three days you have been missing and I was hoping you'd be gone for good." She sighed. "What happened to your clothes?"

"Went looking for Grimm, got a little too wild for my taste."

Sunflower pouted. "Take it off, I'm going to fix it."

"Oh, no way I'm letting you touch my only jacket. This thing is important to me and I don't want anyone messing with it."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Don't be such a child, I am trying to help but you still act so hostile to me. Just give me the jacket so I can get this over with."

"Ugh, fine." He groaned. "But don't you dare ruin it."

Took a second, but Roman shrugged the jacket off before handing it over to the unicorn. After receiving the jacket, Sunflower began working once she summoned her sewing kit. Roman was sometimes impressed with unicorns, they had spells to help with their daily lives. Magic was just so helpful.

"Thanks," He said reluctantly.

"You don't have to thank me, just take care of my daughter."

His brow rose. "That's new, you sure you're not sick?"

"I'm as healthy as a racing pony," Sunflower shot a glare at the thief. "It'll be done soon, so go get cleaned up."

"Heh, alright mom." He teased.

Sunflower would've shown him her disgust if she was not busy.

He entered the hideout unannounced, he found his number three and her assistants gathered by the coffee table. The whole building reeked of perfume as well as it was cluttered with makeup and beauty products. Though Roman did not mind what Trixie spent her earnings on, he was slightly disappointed that she would waste bits on such things, especially when there were too many of these nameless brands. Roman does his make-up on his own, only the best for him of course, so he'd know a thing or two about the subject.

The three were too occupied to even realize that he was present, Roman didn't care, he instead went straight over to his couch for a nice long rest.

Silently, he climbed onto his destiny to finally earn his sleep.

"So why are we doing this?" Lavender asked, Roman was then curious as well.

Fuchsia shrugged her shoulders. "Trixie's mom might have said that it's not about makeup or fancy clothes, but that doesn't mean we can't have pretty a mare. Besides, from my experience, a stallion likes it when you get some red on your lip."

"I wonder, what kind of mare do the twins like?"

Fuchsia gagged a bit. "Why would you ask that? Those guys are one of the slimiest crooks I've ever met, second to Roman."

"I don't know, I think they're cool."

Trixie sighed. "All they do sit in an office and do paperwork like corporate slaves. By definition, they are the opposite of cool, and Trixie should know, she's the best."

"They actually help with the designs of Candlewick products, surprisingly they are very good with machinery." Lavender said.

"Thank the Dust for that," Roman popped into the conversation.

The mares recoiled in fright as soon as they realized that they had an unwanted member of their little circle.

Trixie especially scrambled to hide their makeup materials and other belongings right under her cape. The other two tried to run but only managed to get caught in each other's way.

Honestly, it was a pitiful display, if this was an attack then Roman was sure that he'd lose everything. All that training for nothing, disappointed Roman was. He wanted fighters, not girly girls trying out makeup and talking about boys.

He understood that Trixie was ignorant of the threat that loomed over them all. With the Iron Legion breathing down his neck, the White Fang waiting for him to pop his head out, and the fact that something as powerful as three typhoons is walking on the planet. He's the most wanted pony in Equestria, and he needed someone to watch his back.

Sadly, there is only one person who is qualified for the job, and she's locked away in a fortress designed to take on the wrath of ten dragons. And that wasn't an exaggeration, he saw the blueprints and design, it was built with the idea to repel any invading forces. With that in mind, he really needed an ace in his sleeves.

As the three mares scrambled to their hooves, Roman was struck by grief, fried of the fact that he had a lousy roster in his crew. Two rookies, a magician, scammers, and the snake of a pony who'd stab him in the back if given a chance.

"What are you three even doing?"

"Nothing..." Lavender answered.

"Just, mare stuff," Trixie said. "You'd be uninterested, well maybe if it's about makeup and junk."

Roman scoffed. "You know my brand, the best eyeliner in Equestria."

Fuchsia rolled her eyes at him. "Roman Torchwick ladies and gentlecolts, only stallion in Equestria to use prench beauty products."

"At least I'm prettier than you, with or without makeup."

"You look like a pampered pumpkin."

"And you wear cheap knockoffs bought from the street."

Fuchsia smiled. "Good to have you back, Roman. Where have you been?"

"Working, this next heist is gonna be big!" He boomed. "I'm talking explosions, drama, and intrigue! This will be one for the history books, and they all shall remember my name!"

"Don't you mean our name?" Trixie cocked a brow.

"Trix', I'm too tired to think straight." He reasoned. "Been out preparing for the heist, after I met our sketch artist."

"Oh, so who is he?"

"Some immortal from my universe." This only earned him a few odd stares from the mares. "Let's just say he's a dangerous threat, so let's keep our heists kid-friendly."

"What do you mean?" Lavender asked.

Roman felt a brow twitch in irritation. "Something you lot can't do, which is murder."

"W-what!?" They squawked.

"Shut it," He groaned loudly. "as long as I don't kill anyone, we are fine. It's his lackey I'm worried about."

Trixie shuffled in her place. "Can you explain who this guy is?"

"His name is Time Turner, Doctor extraordinaire, but I know him as Professor Ozpin, the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz."

"He stole my title!?" Trixie exclaimed.

"Unlike you, he actually earned that title." He shot a glare at Trixie which calmed her down with fear. "Ozpin is stronger than me or anyone in the Iron Legion, so it's best to keep us on his good side."

The three mares remained silent, they watched as Roman began to stare off into space. Then he started pretending to choke a pony with enough rage to burn through the winter.

It was scary at first, but then it changed to weird, strange it was to see Roman act like this. He was always the snarky, calm, jerk that would talk down on them like they were animals. But he showed care and concern for his subordinates as well as his partner Trixie, he might call the twins a duo of idiots, but he recognized their skills as scam artists and inventors. He held no opinion on Trixie's assistants, but he was honest with them at least.

Though the only one he'd considered an enemy among them was Spice, she was dangerous. If he wasn't careful then he might end up in prison because of her.

As for Trixie... Wait, inventors?

Roman shot up from his idle form, an idea appeared in his head as he remembered the existence of the twins. Flim and Flam were inventors who had a knack for machinery.

Out of the blue, Roman flew off the couch and towards the bookshelf nearby. He filed through the collection with a speedy eye. Then there it was, the one thing he searched for. He chuckled to himself as he reached a hoof towards it.

Ozpin's sketchbook...

Though it had some worthless drawings, not counting Roman's, there were of course sketches of machines from his world. Even some strange contraptions of mysterious purpose. But the boys will be able to figure it all out once he sends them the sketches.

One thing in particular gave Roman a grand idea, and he hoped earth ponies were as good as they claimed to be.

"Um, Roman?"

"What is it, Trix'?"

She shuffled a bit, he had just realized that she stood behind him, a bit too close. Trixie glanced over her shoulder and at her two assistants who motioned her to continue. She gathered the courage to speak, but when Trixie saw his emerald eye, she faltered.

Her cheeks flushed red and her hooves felt sweaty, she was nervous, unsure if this was a good idea at all.

"Oh..." Roman muttered to himself, not loud enough for Trixie to hear.

"I was just wondering if you'd like to... uh... join me for some dinner?"

"That's the spirit, Miss Trixie." Lavender whispered a cheer for the showmare. Fuchsia shushed the mare in fear of ruining the moment.

"Dinner...?" Roman hissed.

"Yes, Trixie- ahem, I was thinking that we could go check out that new restaurant that opened near the eastern docks, Lucky Spice said that we can reserve the whole place for one night."

Roman had his eyes wide open, he chuckled lightly as he pulled back his bangs and revealed his heterochromia to the others. Bullets of sweat started to form, his mind raced to form an answer.

This was honestly an outcome he could not have predicted, Roman is not blind to any signs of affection. His own number three, infatuated? This was bad for several reasons, one main thing was that it would serve only as a distraction to him.

Problems would arise if he allowed this... whatever she felt- to bloom.

Roman would be wise to reject her offer, but that in turn will make things difficult in the near future. But there is an idea that could work, one that is surely a safer option.

"Great idea Trix'!" Roman laughed.

Trixie turned even redder. "Y-yeah?"

"It is!" Roman watched her as she trembled on the spot, it only got intense once he had his hoof on her shoulder. "Bet the boys would even be thrilled with the idea!"

"What?" The room became dead silent, the three mares were static.

"This is truly the greatest idea you've ever had Trix', a dinner to celebrate our success! Well, right after we finish our heist of course. And you know what? I'll even go talk to Greeny!"

Roman then went off to do as he said, he did not allow Trixie to correct him.

"Was he... Was he always that dull?" Lavender wondered.

"Smells fishy to me." Fuchsia scoffed.

Lavender turned to Trixie. "Wait, what was wrong with his eyes? It was like, two colors..."

"I blew it!" Trixie cried. "But Trixie won't surrender, she shall be triumphant!"

Meanwhile Roman leaned against the wall of the warehouse, a frustrated look on his face as he felt the stress coming in. "This is bad..."

"I was honestly surprised she asked you to dinner, I would have thought she'd wait a little longer."

Roman glared at Sunflower. "You know?"

"She's my daughter, as if I would leave her alone for a whole hour."

"How come you don't ever rat on me? We let you walk around freely, in and out."

Sunflower huffed and turned her nose upward. "To call the authorities on you would put my daughter in more danger. And besides, Lucky Spice would make sure that I don't ruin her 'entertainment', such odd friends you have, Torchwick."

Roman only gave her a smirk.

"So what do you plan to do with my daughter?"

"I'm gonna try and downplay the whole thing. Be denser than a rock, her feelings will be bad for business."

"Are you cold-hearted, Torchwick? Maybe it is for the best, I would rather not see her with a pony like you."

He chuckled. "I feel the same to be honest, she could do better than me, and that speaks a lot."

"Glad we actually agree on something." Carefully she gave Roman his jacket back. "I'm done, by the way, try not to ruin it again."

"Sunny, with this line of work of mine, my jacket isn't safe."

"And Roman, please take care of my daughter..."

He watched her enter the hideout, silently he fished out his cigar and lit it alight. One drag and the stench of tobacco already surrounded him. His nerves relaxed a bit. His eye found itself locked with the moon above, stars barely visible due to the pollution of light in the city. He could hear the lullabies that mothers would sing to their children. He was afraid, not the same fear he felt before when he met the woman who ruined his life in Vale. This was different, one he had no understanding of.

"Can't promise that... But I'll do my best, Sunny."

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[TheCommunistDog]

Mama mia

[dudenotactive]

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🎤 Here we go again!