• Published 1st Apr 2019
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The Harem Noses [Old Edition] - Irrespective



An ancient law forces the common and multiple royals together, whether they like it or not.

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2. - Introductions and Conversations

The principles of flight were a mystery to Baked Bean.

He had learned about lift, drag, and other such related mechanics in school, of course. But he was an earth pony, and that made it rather difficult to understand how a pegasus obtained lift from their wing’s central vane, or how magic enhanced their overall airfoil. The only thing he had really retained was that winged ponies fly, training made a pony fly harder, better, faster, and stronger, and that Princess Celestia was believed to be the preeminent flyer in all of Equestria due to her unsurpassed wing span.

So, as the Royal Carriage of said Princess banked slightly to point towards Canterlot, Bean found himself scouring his mind for any information that he could scrape together on how the four pegasus guards in front of him managed to keep themselves, the carriage, two princesses, and one common nitwit in the air.

The effort kept him from thinking about his recent marriage to both Princesses, how such a thing could even be possible, and how in Equestria he was going to explain this to his parents.

It wasn’t working very well, especially since he was seated directly behind his new wives and had an unparalleled view of Luna’s lithe form and Celestia's soft curves. And both tails, which had a tendency to sweep over his nose and tickle.

“I believe we will have you stay in the north tower this evening, Mister Bean,” Celestia called out over the rush of the wind. “It’s a bit drafty in the winter, but in this summer heat it’s really the best spot in the whole palace.”

“Um, thank you, I guess.”

“Lulu, I have a private chamber prepared for you as well, right next to mine,” the Princess continued. “I think you will find it to be tastefully furnished and very familiar, but if you want anything adjusted, added, or removed—and I mean anything—I will have it taken care of immediately. I have the very finest artisans, craftsponies, and chefs in Canterlot on call, and they will attend to your every need, no matter when or where.”

“Thank you, Celly, but I do not believe all of this is necessary,” Luna bashfully replied, her gaze firmly on her hooves. “I have done nothing to deserve such kindnesses.”

“You are my beloved and long-lost sister,” Celestia said while her wing wrapped around Luna and pulled her in for a warm and comforting hug. “This is the least I could do. Once you have had a chance to acclimate, I shall proclaim a week of feasts to honor your return, and all of your former titles, honors, powers, and positions shall be restored to you as soon as the ink from your signature is placed upon the parchment. I will atone for my mistakes, dear sister, even if takes me an eternity to do so.”

“You have nothing to atone for,” Luna softly murmured. “I alone chose the Nightmare.”

“Perhaps we should discuss this more at a future time,” Celestia said with a glance over her shoulder. “We have more pressing issues to attend to.”

Bean leaned over the edge of the carriage and wondered how long it would take before he became a yellow smear across the emerald green fields.

He then wondered if he had enough mass to even leave a smear. From this height, he might get lucky and just burn up in the atmosphere.

“For the record, Mister Bean, what has happened is not your fault.” Celestia offered a sad smile as she twisted around to face him. “Nor is it Luna's. This is a mere complication, no different from any other complication one faces in battle. We shall adapt and overcome, as we always do.”

The complication unconsciously tried to make himself as small as possible, and he pushed himself into a corner of the carriage. “I'll do whatever you want me to, Your Highness. I can't help but feel like all of this is my fault, even if you say otherwise.”

“Is there a way to unravel this tangled web I have woven?” Luna asked.

The pause that came was lengthy, and Bean had the distinct impression that Celestia was trying to figure out how to say no in the most diplomatic way. “It may prove to be rather difficult, I must confess. I will investigate every possible method, however, and if there is a way, we will utilize it.”

Bean glanced over the clouds that were rapidly streaking by them. Maybe he could somehow hit his head on the carriage before he leapt over the side.

“And I should note that the carriage has been enchanted to prevent any unfortunate mishaps,” Celestia added. “The guards could fly upside-down and you would remain right where you are, Mister Bean.”

“Oh.”

“I understand this is all very frightening, but please don’t do anything rash. If we all remain patient and understanding, I am sure we can resolve this issue satisfactorily. I offer my personal assurance that you will be taken care of during this ordeal, and once we have returned to Canterlot and taken care of a few minor details, I will answer any and all questions that you may have. This will all turn out for the best, you’ll see.”

“I hope so,” Bean murmured to his hooves.

“Now, when we land, we will be greeted by Mi Amore Cadenza, my niece,” Celestia continued, but she had to stop when Luna gave her a delighted grin.

“Niece, dear sister? Does this mean my line has not come to total ruin?”

Celestia nodded, but she also drew in a heavy sigh that Bean almost didn’t catch. “Indeed, your progeny is well-established and well-represented in the courts, for good or ill. However, Mi Amore is not one of your direct descendants. Or at least I don't think so,” she added with a short frown. “They did get around. But no, nothing that we have been able to ascertain beyond question.”

“No? A shame, but she is sure to be delightful.”

“Indeed, and she will be overjoyed to meet you.” Celestia’s gaze then turned to Bean, and he had the distinct impression that Mi Amore Cadenza was not going to like meeting him. “We will have much to discuss with her.”


“Auntie Celestia! You’re back! What took so long? I thought you would be back hours ago.”

“I am afraid that there was a complication that arose just as we were leaving Ponyville,” Celestia answered as she accepted the bear hug from her beloved niece. “Luna, this is Cadence…”

Baked Bean promptly lost track of the conversation as he stepped down from the carriage and looked at the ornate marble pillars and stained glass windows. This had to be a private hangar, given the expensive trappings and the armored guards that now surrounded him. He had always wondered what the interior of the Royal Palace looked like, but time had prevented him from taking the tour during his last visit.

Besides, focusing on the architecture helped to suppress the existential dread that threatened to crush his soul at any moment. The less he thought about his multiple wife problem, the better.

“Mister Bean?” Celestia called out. “Will you come here, please?”

Bean continued to study the embossed ceiling while he approached. Maybe he could just tuck himself into a little cupboard under some stairs somewhere, begin writing, and then never come out again except for food and bathroom breaks. He wouldn’t be a bother to the Princesses or to anypony else that way, and he wouldn’t have to figure out how he could possibly have two wives at the same time.

There was an audible screech—it was hard to tell if it had come from Bean’s hooves or from his mouth—when his gaze finally dropped down and beheld Mi Amore Cadenza. His left rear leg took off in a fantastic tap dance that would make a professional jealous, and his breaths came in wild, halting blasts.

Mi Amore Cadenza was pink, with a colorful mane of vibrant purples. She stood as tall as Princess Luna, and her violet eyes glittered with a never ending well of love unbounded. Her wings were stretched out to their full reach, and her horn glowed with a cyan aura that merely hinted at the unused potential.

And unless he was mistaken—and he desperately hoped that he was, somehow—wings plus horn equaled alicorn princess, and that meant that he had just met his third wife.

“It is my pleasure to meet you, Mister Bean,” Mi Amore said with a gentle dip of her head. “Tell me, what brings you to Canterlot with my aunts?”

A thousand replies ran through his head, and all of them involved things like throwing him into the deepest pit that existed, feeding him to a tatzlwyrm, or banishing him to the sun with all possible haste.

With all of this in mind, the best he could offer was a faint gurgling noise.

“Mister Bean, I'm afraid, is at the center of the complication that we must now deal with as princesses,” Celestia said in a soft and worried voice. “It seems that he managed to brave the perils of the Everfree Forest, gained access to the Castle of the Two Sisters, and aligned the Elements of Harmony to permit Nightmare Moon’s freedom.”

Mi Amore Cadenza flinched backward at that. “I did not know it was possible for the Elements to be used in such a way.”

“Nor did I. From his account of the events, Mister Bean did not directly use the Elements, but his actions somehow caused a magical release. In the end, this is unimportant; the Elements may have discharged no matter what. The complication arises from the actions of Nightmare Moon once freed. It would probably be best if myself, yourself, and Luna discussed this matter in private, and together we can come to terms on the best way to move forward.”

“Of course!” Cadence put a hoof to her muzzle in concern. “Perhaps we should summon Doctor Horsenpfeffer; I can only imagine how traumatic that meeting was. Would it be wise to have Princess Luna checked out as well?”

“Of course, but after we discuss what has happened.” Celestia turned her full attention to the additional guest, and she tapped a hoof to her chin. “Mister Bean, would you care for something to eat?”

“Yeah, sure,” Bean murmured, his eyes out of focus. “Whatever you say.”

“Lieutenant, please escort Mister Bean to the north tower,” Celestia said to a nearby guard. “Provide him with whatever meal he would care for, and see to it that he is not disturbed. I will send for him when I am ready.”

“Of course, Your Highness.” The lieutenant gave a crisp salute, then motioned to a nearby set of doors. “Right this way, Sir.”


“Alright, dude. Spill it.”

The request had just enough power to break through the miasma that had overcome Bean, and he blinked a couple of times before he turned his attention to the guard at his side. “Spill what?”

“Nightmare Moon!” The lieutenant said with an overjoyed smile. “The whole castle is talking about it. That had to have been the most awesomely frightening thing ever! How did you release her? If we had known how to do that, we could have ambushed her with the Elements and saved a lot of panic. If we had known about her before, that is. And knew how to use the Elements. But beside that, give! Come on!”

“I don’t know what I did, or how I did it,” Bean said slowly. “I was just trying to get some writing ideas, that’s all.”

“Is that why you were out there? The guards who were in Ponyville are still in the debrief with Captain Daisy Chain, and I’m dying to know exactly what happened.”

“I don’t know that I have much to tell, really,” Bean said as the horrific events began to replay in his mind. “While I was at the castle, I found this old statue thing with some odd orbs on pedestals. I thought it was a puzzle, and I guess my fiddling gave the Elements just enough of a bump to release Nightmare Moon.”

Bean went over the details of Nightmare Moon’s return and their conversation as they walked, including the demands for an heir and her swearing of the Oath Tripartite. Once he mentioned this, he paused. “Lieutenant, do you know what that Oath is?”

“I heard about it once, back in training.” The Lieutenant removed his helmet and allowed the playfully messy mane of blues to fall across his thick, white neck with a small shake. “I don’t remember the exact details of it, though. Best as I can recall, it’s an unbreakable oath, since the alicorn doing so is swearing by each individual component of their magic, I think. It was like they tie the very essence of themselves into the spell, somehow. The only way to escape it was to fulfil whatever conditions they had placed upon it to the letter. So, I guess in your case, you would have been stuck with Nightmare Moon as your wife until she had a foal or two.” The guard waggled one eyebrow. “Provided you pleased her, that is.”

A gasp of hope swelled in Bean’s chest with the guard’s words. If all he had to do was provide heirs, the solution could be easier than he had anticipated. She had only implied how she wanted to have the heirs, instead of offering any specifics. What if they just adopted two worthy foals? That would complete the terms she had outlined, wouldn’t it?

“But, that makes me wonder why you’re here, then,” the guard continued. “Nightmare Moon was defeated, so that renders the whole thing moot, right?”

“I wish it did.” There was a slight pause for sanity as Bean took in a slow, cleansing breath. “Luna said that the Oath was still binding, despite everything. I guess Nightmare Moon was still a princess too.”

“Phew.” The guard shook his head, but then he tapped a forehoof in thought. “That’s quite a load to drop into your lap, isn’t it? I wonder if Twily would be able to help with this at all.”

“Twily?”

“My sister, Twilight Sparkle. She was the one who defeated Nightmare Moon.” The Lieutenant bristled with pride, and he stood just a bit taller while his smile grew. “Well, her friends too, I guess, but it was really mostly her. She believed all of the stories and prophecies about The Return, even when everypony else said it was nothing more than an old mare’s tale. She’s also Celestia’s personal student. If anypony could help you, she could.”

“Do you think she’d be willing to help?” Bean had to ask, his hope ticking up a few more notches.

“If Princess Celestia doesn’t get her involved with the search, I will. I’ll also see if I can’t find more information on the Oath Tripartite for you, once I get a free minute.”

“I’d appreciate that. Thank you, Lieutenant… um…”

“Shining Armor.” A hoof was extended, and Bean shook it with a small smile. “You can just call me Shining, though.”

“Baked Bean. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“Likewise. So, what can I get from the kitchens for you? The rosemary salad is pretty good, but it tends to be a bit bittersweet, in my opinion. Of course, I’m used to military chow, and anything tastes better than that.”

The chuckle that the two stallions shared was comforting, and Bean felt a trickle of normalcy returning to his life. He liked Shining’s easygoing tone and relaxed stance, and he entertained the notion that they could be friends, no matter how the marriage mess worked out. “What would you recommend, out of everything that is served here?”

Shining snorted out a laugh. “Well, if I was you, I think I'd want the biggest oatburger I could get my hooves on, with a side of chili cheese hayfries and a tall cold one to wash away the memories.”

Bean nodded, and his smile grew even larger. “That does sound good, but I'll just take a soda, and no ketchup on that burger, if that's allowed.”

“Hey, you're the guest, and my orders were to get you whatever you want. Your room is just around the corner, and I'll go get your food while you get settled.”


“Honestly, being a guard is awesome.” Shining paused to stuff a hoof full of chili cheese fries into his mouth, and his manners were sent packing while he chewed and continued the conversation. “I love it, especially when we get a bunch of little fillies and colts in here during a field trip. It’s adorable to watch them as they try to get us to crack a smile, and it’s good training. Plus,” Shining leaned over, glanced towards the door, and grinned deviously “mares love a stallion in armor.”

“Is that so?” Bean chuckled and wiggled slightly to adjust his position on the blissfully soft guest bed in his room.

“Like you wouldn’t believe. My marefriend can’t keep her hooves off of me sometimes.”

“Really? What’s she like?”

“Oh, she’s practically perfect in every way. She’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s the kindest, nicest mare that you could ever hope to meet, if we don’t count Princess Celestia. It also helps that she’s the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria. I got the total package with her.”

“She sounds delightful,” Bean said as his thoughts turned to his own complicated relationship. Or, relationships, since he was in more than one.

A staccato burst of knocks interrupted the conversation, and Shining stood. “That's Miss Inkwell, the Princess’ secretary. Celestia must be ready for you.”

Bean's rear leg began to shake again. Could he politely refuse to meet with her, somehow, and just ignore what had happened? This guest room was nice, so he could just stay in here forever, right?

“Mister Bean? The Princess is waiting for you,” Miss Inkwell said with a no-nonsense tone of impatience that forced Bean pop off the bed and walk over to the door, despite the efforts of his rear leg to go sideways. Telling Celestia no would be like telling a river to stop moving, and he’d probably get thrown in the dungeons again if he tried.

“Hey, deep breaths,” Shining offered with a smile. “In my experience, things aren’t usually as bad as they first appear. Keep calm, carry on, and hope for the best. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Shining did have a point, but for the wrong reason. The worst had happened already, but now he was going to find out how bad it really was.

* * * *

“Wait here, please,” Miss Inkwell ordered with a small sneer, and Bean stopped instantly. The distance between his guest room and Princess Celestia’s private drawing room had been terrifyingly short. While the bespeckled secretary knocked on the ornate door, Bean glanced up and down the hallway. That was a lovely row of potted plants, and the stained glass window above him was a fairly accurate depiction of both of his wives, with their wings outstretched and their cutie marks set just above them.

A few curious details caught his attention once he took a longer moment to actually look at the image in the glass. For one thing, the glass seemed to be brighter and shinier than the windows that resided next to them, and for some odd reason, there was a definite odor of glue. It was almost like the whole thing had been hastily brought out of storage and slapped together at the last minute, but he dismissed the notion as just pure silliness. Why would Celestia want to do such a thing?

The other odd element was the actual depiction of the Princess of the Night. In the glass, Luna’s mane was flowing and sparkling, in a manner that seemed to match how Celestia’s mane billowed and drifted along on an invisible magical breeze. Her coat was a few shades darker, and she seemed to be a bit taller, too.

The notion that Princess Luna had changed intrigued him, but it also made sense when he thought about it. She had changed into Nightmare Moon, after all, and that form bore only a passing resemblance to her now. He pushed the thought back as Miss Inkwell summoned him again, but he wasn’t paying attention, and his forward progress was stopped when his nose connected with an immovable object.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza staggered back and yelped as she rubbed her own injured nose, but she paused when her eyes locked on to him and her mouth drew into a thin line. Bean couldn’t quite decide if she wanted to hug him, strangle him, or both at the same time, and he took a step back and prepared to make a run for his life, no matter how futile such an action would be.

“Wysteria?” Mi Amore whispered to the secretary, but her eyes continued to bore into Bean. “Could you please go summon Lieutenant Armor? I have something that I need to discuss with him right now.

“Of course, Your Highness.” Miss Inkwell glanced between the Princess and the commoner quickly, and Bean was sure she was deciding how long Bean had to live, and if she had enough time to get a shovel to scrape up what remained of him before doing as she had been asked. With a flick of her tail, the secretary left, and Bean began to fear for his rapidly-shortening life as the young Princess took a step towards him.

“So, I guess you are my husband now, it would seem.”

“I really didn’t mean for any of this to happen, Your Highness,” Bean blurted in an pathetic attempt to keep his hide attached to his self. “I had no idea about—”

He was silenced by an upraised hoof and a drawn-out sigh. “I know, Mister Bean. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna explained what happened. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“But maybe there’s a way to undo all of this?” he offered.

Another heavy sigh came, and Mi Amore’s ears folded back. “You should discuss that with Princess Celestia. If you’ll excuse me, I need to speak with Lieutenant Armor. I’m sure you and I will be able to talk later.”

Bean nodded, and Mi Amore shuffled away like a prisoner heading to her final punishment. He felt horrible about what had happened, but he really hoped that Celestia had a way to get all of them out of this

“Please, Mister Bean, do come in,” Princess Celestia called out. “There is much I need to discuss with you.”

The reluctant bridegroom entered the private room, but he stalled out halfway in as he took in the details of this new place. Compared to the rest of the castle it was not much, perhaps just over three of Celestia’s body lengths to a side with floor-to-ceiling window on one side to allow plenty of natural light in. The cushions appeared to be plush and overstuffed, made of the finest velvets and silks, and there was a distinct possibility that Bean would be unable to get off of them once he settled in. Bookshelves lined one wall, with hardbound codices of all sizes and color and various scrolls scattered amongst the tops of them. The other wall held a few scenic paintings, a portrait of the Royal Sisters, and a few sentimental items upon some shelves. A round table sat in the middle of the room for the final touch of elegance, with legs short enough to allow a pony to spread out on the pillows next to it and still reach across the whole table with ease.

“Would you care for some tea, Mister Bean?” Celestia offered. “I am a fan of chamomile this late in the day, myself, but I am sure we could provide something suitable to your tastes.”

“Chamomile will be fine, thank you. Where is Princes Luna?”

“She is in her personal chambers at the moment.” Celestia’s golden magic wrapped around the porcelain teapot, and Bean tried to calculate how many decades it would take for him to afford such an elegant set. “After being gone for a thousand years, there are a great many details that she needs to attend to.”

“Me being among them,” he huffed as he plopped down beside the table. “Princess, is there any way to unmarry all of us and to forget this all happened?”

The Princess hesitated, and a shudder passed through her wings as she sat a bit taller. “To the best of my knowledge, Mister Bean, no. The laws that we are now subject to are binding and completely unbreakable, even for me.”

Bean squeaked, and his mind began to reel.

“Perhaps it would be best to explain how this all came to be.” Celestia tapped her hoof to her chin for a moment. “Tell me, Mister Bean, how much do you know of the history of Equestria?”

It took a long swallow before Bean could talk, and he ventured, “about the same as anypony else, I suppose. I wasn’t a model student, but I did okay in school.”

“I see. Let me offer just a few details to help explain, then. You know of the animosity between the pony tribes before Unification, of course, and how the magic of friendship managed to unite them together. However, a Kingdom cannot be built on friendship alone, and the foundation of Equestria was slightly more complicated than what is usually shown in the Hearth’s Warming pageants every year. Commander Hurricane, Chancellor Puddinghead, and Princess Platinum had to convince their respective tribes that peace could be obtained and was worth the effort, but there were some who resisted and dug in their hooves, as it were.

“The largest offender was a Duke by the name of Iron Hoof. He was a powerful unicorn in his own right, but he was also charismatic, handsome, and popular among the nobility in the unicorn tribe. He quibbled and fought over every minute detail in every council, conclave, and summit, and he did everything in his power to establish his unicorns—and himself—with the most power and authority. Though he never outright said so, I believe he saw the unification efforts as a way to enslave the earth ponies and the pegasi, and I spent innumerable hours in countering his efforts.

“In time, his designs became clear to the other delegates and leaders, and his proposal to install a monarchy with himself as King was defeated by installing myself and Luna as Diarchs.This seemed to be the end of it, but Luna noticed a loophole that could be exploited. If Iron Hoof proposed marriage, he could still become King and reverse everything that had been done.

“In the end, I found that there was only one way to defeat him once and for all. As Luna has mentioned, polygamy was allowed at the time of unification, for a variety of reasons that I won’t get into right now, and my sister was also happily married to a wonderful stallion by the name of Star Struck. After consulting with both of them and The Three, it was eventually agreed that if I married Star, Iron Hoof would be thwarted, once and for all. The necessary laws were forged in short order, and in a ceremony attended by The Three and none other, I was acknowledged as Star Struck’s legitimate and legal wife.”

“So you’ve married before, too?” Bean had to ask, and Celestia nodded.

“Yes, but it was a marriage in name only. Star belonged to Luna and to her alone, his heart would never be able to love another. While he respected me and treated me like a sister, our relationship was never intimate. We maintained separate chambers, separate schedules, and separate lives. Well, other than the wedding night,” admitted Celestia with a faint pinking of her ears and a quick sip of tea.

Shining Armor had been wrong, things had just gotten much worse. Not only was he dealing with a marriage that nopony wanted, he was also competing against a dead husband.

“Does all of this make sense, Mister Bean?” Celestia asked, and she proceeded when he nodded dumbly. “Good. Now, when the laws were written, it was realized that they had to be infallible. There could be no contingencies, loopholes, contradictions, anarchisms, contextual errors, or anything else that could somehow allow the Duke to marry me or Luna. If you like, I can produce a copy for you to look over.”

“No, that’s okay. I wouldn’t be able to understand all of the legal jargon.”

Celestia nodded again. “As an interesting side note, it was Chancellor Puddinghead who provided the greatest legal advice on the matter, and who mentioned that this marriage law would have to be ingrained into the laws that established Equestria as a kingdom. I won’t go over how we managed that right now, but it is sufficient to say that to undo our marriage would undo Equestria.”

“What about a divorce? Couldn’t we just do that?”

“I’m afraid not. Divorce among the ruling class was forbidden, mostly because Iron Hoof could then somehow compel me to divorce Star and marry him. As I said, every possible avenue of nullification was removed.”

“What about once I provide heirs? I would fulfil the terms of the Oath if I did that, wouldn't I?”

“Again, no. Nightmare Moon promised you would not be injured until you provided heirs. She placed no such terms or conditions upon the marriage.”

“So, if there's no way out of this, why are you having the ponies in the Royal Archives look at the law?”

There was a long pause with this, and Celestia’s gaze drifted to the window before she replied. “Mister Bean, I do not believe for a second that anypony involved with this turn of events is pleased. The fault for these events lies with me and me alone; I should have realized that Nightmare Moon could use the marriage clause as a weapon and taken the appropriate precautions.

“While I am quite sure that there is no option that will allow our union to be dissolved, I feel that I owe it to you, to Cadence, and to Luna to at least look and to make absolutely sure. The finest legal minds will be tasked with reviewing this law, Mister Bean, and should an opening present itself, I will release all of us immediately.”

Bean felt a twinge of regret in his chest, and he swirled the tea in his cup while he processed what Celestia had said. The Princess obviously felt horrible about everything, and she wasn’t directly responsible for it. Really, the odds of a stallion being in the Castle at the exact moment of Nightmare Moon’s release had to be so long that anypony would consider it a sucker bet.

“So, since it seems like I’m going to be here for a while, what happens to me now?” he asked after a few moments.

“To you? Very little. It will fall upon me, my sister, and Princess Cadence to deal with this dilemma. For now, I would ask that you remain here, in the Palace, until we can sort everything out. Once that is done, I will ask you to appear in public with us, and to make token laws and rulings on occasion. My little ponies will question you and your true motives, and we will need to show them that you mean no ill towards us, or to them. However, we will worry about that at a future time.”

Celestia then focused her full attention on him, and a thoughtful look crossed her face. “In fact, there may be something you can do now to help show your true intents and purposes.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“My sister has been absent from Equestria for a thousand years, Mister Bean, and everything she has ever known has been drastically altered. She is going to need a friend to help her navigate this strange new world, more than anything, and you may just be the perfect pony for the position. You can help her acclimate to these modern times, and as her husband, it will be easier for her to heed your advice.”

“I could try, I guess. I don’t know how much help I can be, though.”

“Just do your best, Mister Bean. That’s all I can ask of you.”

Before Bean could say a word in response, an explosion of words erupted from quite some distance away, although he could still make out their meaning, as well as determine that the speaker was most certainly Shining Armor.

“He what?! I'm going to kill him!”

* * * *

Author's Note:

Some fun editor comments:

"Perhaps we should summon Doctor Horsenpfeffer; I can only imagine how traumatic that meeting was. Would it be wise to have Princess Luna checked out as well?”

Georg: dude, she's been on the moon for a thousand years. At least she needs an OBGYN to blow out the dust before bedding Bean

There was an audible screech—it was hard to tell if it had come from Bean’s hooves or from his mouth

Sipioc: “Pleasure to meet you I am -AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”

Shining leaned over, glanced towards the door, and grinned deviously “mares love a stallion in armor.”

Georg: chicks dig the armor. Seriously. Like every spring, you have to watch out for birds (snerk)

“Oh, she’s practically perfect in every way.

Sipioc: Mary Poppins?!
Me: "I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!"