> The Harem Noses [Old Edition]
>  by Irrespective
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. - The Sisters
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------



Ponyville is a most remarkable village. Located to the south of Canterlot, and with a commanding view of our country’s seat of government, it is a hamlet where one can find their center in the midst of calm tranquility.



Baked Bean paused as he looked over the words he had written. As the first paragraph for a travel brochure, it could use some work. A pair of scissors here, some fire there. A deep hole, maybe.

Well, a lot of work, admittedly, but that’s what the editing process was for. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, and all that. Nopony would be interested in reading about all of the faults and problems a place had, especially if they were trying to plan out a vacation, so a little creative adjustment was in order.



Citizens are welcomed to this charming town in one of two ways. The first is a cheerful train station, where a pony can catch their first glimpses of the thatched-roof cottages that make up this quaint outlying village. The second is via the main road, which is well-used and maintained admirably. Potholes are regularly filled and rocks frequently removed from the path, and a pony pulling any sort of wheeled vehicle will find little to encumber their progress.



Baked Bean cringed a bit and glanced down at his left rear leg. What he wasn’t writing down was how he had tripped on a rather sizeable boulder on his way into Ponyville, and how his hoof and his ribs both still ached from the meeting.

After a well-deserved sigh, Bean slid his pencil into the spiral binding of his notebook, and placed that into his saddlebag. He felt that he had gotten a good start with his introduction to Ponyville, but there was another stop he wanted to make, and he needed to leave now if he was going to get there and come back in time.

“I hope I’m not overdoing the descriptions,” he muttered to himself as he stood and began to walk towards the town. He was new to writing, and with no formal training he was forced to improvise at the moment and hope he wasn’t screwing up too badly. Still, he remained hopeful that someone would give his tour guide descriptions a chance, and with that, he might be able to save up enough bits to buy a modest home, with enough left over to take some creative writing classes to further refine his writing skill.

The morning air was clear and refreshing as Bean walked towards the center of Ponyville, and he felt rejuvenated as he began to use adjectives—or were they adverbs?—to describe the modest shops and two-story homes that made up the main road through this singular town. Bean had arrived yesterday after visiting Canterlot, and he had to admit that the lack of either hustle or bustle was quite enamoring. Everything was so laid back that Bean wondered if time itself pulled up a chair when it came here to visit, stretched out its legs, and enjoyed a freshly-squeezed glass of chilled lemonade before moving on with its business. The peace and serenity tempted him to stay, to make his new life and his livelihood with the friendly ponies who were now greeting him with cheerful smiles and friendly waves.

“Hey Baked Bean!” a voice called out before a pink blur caught up to it. “Happy Tuesday! Did you sleep okay? I told Mister and Missus Cake about you, and they said they could hire you on, but only part-time for now unless business picks up, but that way you could start saving up your bits for your own restaurant, right?”

Bean hesitated while he tried to put a name to the hyperactivity. “Pinkie Pie, right?”

“That’s me! Say, do you know how to make a cherrychanga? I bet you could earn all the bits you could ever need with something like that.”

“I’m afraid I don’t, but I’m willing to try. As to your first question, I’ll talk to the Cakes later about that job. I’ll bet they’re busy trying to get ready for the Summer Sun Celebration tomorrow.”

“Yeah, it’s been pretty crazy around here, but it’s gonna be super-duper fun! We’ve never had Princess Celestia here before, but I’ve heard she’s way nice. Do you think she would like sprinkles on her cupcakes, or maybe just plain? I like sprinkles, but it’s okay if she doesn’t. Maybe she’d like a vanilla cupcake with rainbow swirls! That’d be super easy to make, and maybe I could even put little suns on them as toppers!”

“Why don’t you go try that out?” Bean said. “I’m sure she’d love something like that.”

“Okay! See you at the celebration!”

Bean shook his head as the bundle of pink, pony-shaped sugar began to hop away, and he let the breath he was holding out very slowly. Pinkie Pie had been the first pony to greet him last night, and he had nearly had one of his ears chewed off while she asked him a hundred questions about why he was there and what he was doing, and she probably wouldn’t have stopped if he had not distracted her with a new recipe for rhubarb pie.

Baked Bean had to smile as he began to walk. Pinkie Pie was a bit too wound up for his liking, but she meant well and smelled like sugar and spice and everything nice, so she couldn’t be all bad. She would probably be disappointed when he told her he would be moving on after the Summer Sun Celebration, but it couldn’t be helped. His heart still yearned for something, and he somehow knew that the something would not be here.

His heart did tell him that he needed to go visit the Castle of the Two Sisters, no matter how treacherous everypony said the journey would be. During all of his research, he had found sparse references to the former seat of government, and he was pretty extra sure that he could find an untapped source of writing potential out in the Everfree Forest.

Bean paused for a moment to pull out a map he’d cobbled together of the Everfree, and he made one last check of the best path to take. Most of that business about manticores, river serpents, and killer trees were probably just fanciful flights of imagination that had been told ages ago and embellished several times with each retelling. The legends even said the weather occured on its own in the Everfree, which was just proof that the rest of the stories were also fanciful hogwash.

How bad could it possibly be?





Baked Bean drew in a large gasp of air as he flopped across the threshold of the Castle’s main entrance with a squelching splat. He shook his rear leg furiously to kick off the piranha-like creature that had clamped down on his hoof, and then for a moment, he simply focused on breathing.

That was the worst walk—or rather, the worst dead sprint as fast as he could run in ways that would have astonished his old high school track coach—that he had ever endured in his life! All of those accursed legends had proven to be understated, and he was seriously considering living the rest of his life in the ruins of this old place to avoid making the return trip.

At least the handsome river serpent had been surprisingly civil. He was going to have to thank him again for the directions, if they ever happened upon each other in the future.

Once he had a chance to catch his breath and check for any more sharp-toothed creatures clinging to him, Bean slowly stood, shook the remaining water from his coat, and began to take stock of his surroundings. There was still an elegant majesty in the old crumbling stonework, and as he stepped around the debris that littered the hallway, he began to form his description. Admittedly, it was a favorable description, something better than “Come to the Everfree and get eaten,” but travel books were by nature positive about their subjects, and this decaying ruin needed all the good press he could give it. Plus, maybe tourists could be flown in and avoid all the potential bloodshed.

“The Castle of the Two Sisters is a sight that must be seen to be believed,” he said to himself as a distant flash of lightning briefly illuminated the hallway. “Located deep in the heart of the Everfree Forest, it is a treasure trove of relics from a bygone era. Lacking only the treasures,” he added, looking around in vain for perhaps a few piles of gold, or a misplaced enchanted sword.

That was good, but could it be better? Bean grumbled and began to rack his brain for a better prepositional phrase to use. Was that even the right thing? Oh, how it drove him nuts! He just knew he was supposed to be a writer, but having a very loose understanding of the rules made it so difficult to know if he was doing things right or wrong.

Growing frustrated with his lack of skill, Bean moved towards a large, overgrown statue that loomed in a most impressive and imposing fashion nearby. It was the closest thing to treasure he could find, and he glared at the odd stone spheres that rested on the various pedestals as if they were the source of his inability and defeats. There had to be a way to describe these things, and by Celestia’s sun, he was going to figure out a way or he would eat his horseshoes!

Bean moved in closer, and he studied the first granite orb with the same intensity a jeweler gave to an uncut diamond. Another flash of lightning illuminated the broad, empty room, but Bean was too busy evaluating the gem pattern that was engraved on the surface to notice. What could this symbol mean? Why orbs? Why would Princess Celestia have such a statue, right in the middle of her own throne room? Everypony would have to walk around it all the time, and it looked older than the rest of the room. Maybe it was here first, and the castle had been built around it.

Maybe the orbs were concealing something? It made little sense, but nothing had made sense since he had walked into the Everfree, so it was a possibility. There was a chance this thing could be some sort of puzzle, and if he could solve it, he might be able to find that elusive treasure.

Oh, he’d give it back, of course. It would rightly belong to the Princess of the Sun and the Moon, after all. But, perhaps she’d grant a boon to the stalwart stallion who had braved the Everfree to return her long-lost items? It seemed reasonable to him, and it beat the butter out of going back through the dark forest, so with a determined grunt, he reached out to nudge a pedestal, and gave a slight squeal of delight when the platform moved.

The stars will aid in her escape…

Bean paused and whipped his head around to evaluate the room. He thought he had heard a voice, but there was still nopony here other than himself. With a shrug, he passed off the odd sound as a trick of the wind, and again began to work on the puzzle before him. Perhaps they just needed to be all in a row? The answer seemed a bit too simplistic, but it was a good starting point.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be a difficult challenge, if not impossible. For several hours, he tried every combination that he could think of, but nothing happened despite his best efforts. Perhaps it was not a puzzle, but just a display case that moved? No, that was just silly.

Did you really expect me to sit idly by while they all basked in your precious light?

“Hello?” Bean called out. A echo of thunder was the only reply, despite several long and anxious minutes spent waiting for more.

Bean looked over the strange orbs once more. The reason why nopony came to this haunted place was now beyond obvious, but there was still something that kept him from high tailing it back to Ponyville, crazy pony-eating forest and haunted castle notwithstanding. The airs of destiny and harmony were thick, and he couldn’t help but feel that he was supposed to be here.

With a grunt, Bean gave the statue one last push, and then he plopped his rear on the floor. A short break from puzzle solving was in order, and there was still much he could write about. Even if he had to spend a week in this bizzare place, he was going to make this trip worthwhile, in one way or another.

Had Baked Bean been paying attention, he might have noticed that when the statue behind him stopped spinning, there was a soft clink as a mechanism locked into place. He might also have noticed that the strange stone orbs were beginning to glow, and he probably would have felt alarmed when a surge of energy shot from the smaller orbs to the large, moon-shaped capstone.

That all changed when another blast of energy lept from the capstone, punched through the rotting remains of the roof, and surged into the sky. Bean yelped when he heard the discharge, and he caught sight of the bolt of apparent moonlight just as it hit the surface of the full moon overhead.

“What was that?” he whispered to himself. “Did I err?”

His question was answered when a return beam of dark magic struck just to his left with a furious flash of lighting and a large boom of thunder. He backpedaled as quickly as he could with a screech of alarm until his rump hit the statue behind him, and then he held one hoof in front of his face to shield himself from the pitch-black energy that sent a chill of dread down his spine and into his hooves.

This was not good.

The thought was confirmed as a ball of nightmarish proportions screamed down the new pathway, slammed into the ancient tilework, and sent bits of rubble and dust flying in all directions. Baked Bean had to avert his eyes for a moment, but when he looked back, he instantly regretted doing so.

Any mention of the Castle of the Two Sisters always included a dire warning about the ancient scourge of Nightmare Night: The Mare in the Moon herself, Nightmare Moon. Like every other pony, Baked Bean had grown up with the tales and legends of the Deity of the Dark, who would gobble up ponies unless they offered her some candy as a far tastier alternative to pony flesh. When he had struck out for Ponyville, he had considered those old mare’s tales to be nothing more than superstitious rot and nonsense, much like Santa Hooves or the Winter Wrap-up Rabbit.

It was now beyond clear that he had been oh so very wrong about all of that, and in the back of his mind, he regretted not sending more letters to Santa Hooves. Or keeping an emergency piece of candy in his saddlebag for just such an occasion.

There can only be one princess in Equestria, and that princess will be me!

Despite the terror that held him captive, he couldn’t help but compare the fearsome mare that now stood before him to the legends and myths that he had heard and read about. She was a terribly glorious alicorn, with a coat as black as midnight and a star-studded mane that swirled and billowed about in an ethereal wind of pure power. She wore a helm of silver steel that clung tightly to her neck, her hooves were clad in shoes that extended up her forelegs, and the breastplate that bore the symbol of her crescent moon was the final touch to her invincibility. The legends had been totally wrong: this was a mare who would never be satisfied with mere candy.

Nightmare Moon then drew in a deep and satisfied breath, and she snorted with a maniacally wicked grin. “At last! After so long, I am free! Free to exact my revenge upon my sister and her sun-loving sycophants! Your time under the sun will now draw to a close, my little ponies! My night shall last forever!”

Bean’s breathing stopped completely, and his heart would have followed suit if it wasn’t so busy trying to hammer its way out of his chest. This was beyond bad. This was a mass hysteria, world-ending, cats and dogs living together type of apocalypse, and he’d been the one to instigate it!

It was then that he seized upon a wild idea: maybe, if he could just run fast enough, he could get back to Ponyville and raise the alarm. He was on the taller side, and his long legs had served him well during his high school track days, as well as his most recent dash through the creepy forest. There was a chance he could accomplish his frantic and poorly thought-out plan, and he quickly made a break for it while Nightmare Moon began to cackle with wicked delight.

Or at least he would have, if he could have moved his legs, or done anything but stare.

Operation Flee Screaming From Nightmare Moon ended before it began when her magic snagged him, hoisted him into the air, and then slowly began to reel him in. “How dare you intrude upon my sanctuary!” she thundered. “Have you no respect for your Princess?! Do you not fear the Moon?!”

I’m dead, I’m dead, I’ve died and I’m dead and I’m going to be drawn and quartered and turned into glue. Maybe she’ll be nice and banish me to the moon, but she’ll probably just snap my neck and be done with it.

“I’m so sorry!” Bean wailed while he floated ever closer to those glowing draconic eyes. “It was all an accident, really! Just let me go, and you’ll never see me again! I won’t say anything to anypony, and—”

“Cease your infernal sniveling, you coward!”

Bean clamped his lips tightly together and simply focused on breathing while Nightmare Moon took several long moments to evaluate him. He had gone beyond panic, far past screaming, and into a strange floating kind of world where things made sense in only a sideways fashion. There was a word for it that escaped him at the moment... surreal, that was it. He’d have to write it down when this was all over, except he would have to go back through that terrifying place of screaming again and it would probably slip his tiny mind in the process.

“You are a rather homely looking thing, aren’t you?” Nightmare Moon said at last. “But not altogether unattractive. While I do not approve of such a sunny yellow coat, your mane does resemble my blessed night.”

“It’s more of a mocha color. Maybe earth-brown,” he said, but then he cringed when her eyes narrowed. “Um, but that really doesn’t matter.”

“If I want your opinion, I shall give it to you. Until then, I suggest you remain silent.”

Baked Bean followed her advice and simply nodded.

“Good. Tell me, cur, how did you come to a knowledge of the Elements of Harmony, and how did you utilize them to release me?”

“Is that what those are?”

“You would also do well to address me as ‘Your Highness,’ cur. I am still your Princess.”

“Deepest apologies. Sorry, Your Majesty. I mean Highness. Won’t happen again. Honest.”

Nightmare Moon grunted. “You claim you have no knowledge of this place, or of these things?”

“Honest to Ce—” Bean nearly bit his tongue when he hit the brakes on his words as quickly as he could, entranced by her glittering oval eyes in such a deep shade of teal that he was at a loss on how to describe them, should he ever survive this meeting. “Um, I mean, honest. I just wanted to see what this old castle looked like. Nopony has been here for hundreds of years.”

Nightmare Moon studied him intently once more, and Bean waited for the death beam to surge out of her horn and incinerate him right where he floated. “Your eyes show that you speak the truth. Hm.” She then dropped the hapless stallion, and she turned to consider the ruins of her old home with a slight and welcome reduction in her radiated fury. “Could you not bear the guilt, Sister? How predictable. You flee at the first sign of trouble, unable to truly deal with the problems that beset you. While you were always weak, I have grown stronger, and you shall rue the day you dared to defy me.

“And as for you,” Nightmare Moon whirled and jabbed a hoof at the slowly retreating Bean, who yelped in fear. “I suppose a reward is in order. It appears you did free me from my prison, and I am not without heart.”

“That is very generous of you, Your Highness. If you’ll just let me go, I’ll—”

Bean was crushed in Nightmare Moon’s magical grasp and hauled up to her face so rapidly that his nose brushed up against hers. “Do you take me for a fool?!”

“Not at all,” he wheezed with what little air was left in his lungs.

Nightmare Moon sneered. “No, you have seen too much, and you would warn my sister with all possible haste. You will not be going anywhere.” Her sneer lessened along with her tight magical grip, and the dark princess looked him over again, from nose to tail, with a disturbingly contemplative expression.

“However, you are a young and fit stallion, strong of limb and—” her dark magic opened his mouth and she looked inside “—good teeth, straight and clean. As a reward for your good fortune, I believe you will be able to provide us with a vastly important service. You should be honored that I, your Princess of the Night, have decided that you should be so favored, and you shall have comforts beyond your wildest dreams, should you happen to excel in this task.”

“What…” Bean did not want to finish asking the question, but he could tell he had to by the hard glint in her eye. “Um... what service would that be?”

Nightmare Moon smiled, and a deadly coo of delight hissed out from between narrowed lips. “An heir. Perhaps two, if you please me. After all, it has been a long time. Doubtless, my Sister hath corrupted my prior progeny, and I will need to begin anew to build up my glorious kingdom in the proper manner.”




The Wrong Sister by Sipioc


“Heir?!” Bean gasped in panic. “Oh, no! I’d be terrible at providing you an heir! I mean, I don’t have any experience at all in heir-making, and I’m shorter than you are, so that will make it quite difficult to…”

Bean stopped at her glance, and he knew there was nothing he could say that would convince the living night to change her mind.

“I’m sure you’ll find a way,” Nightmare Moon purred. “I do not tolerate failure, and I can be quite motivational.”

Bean managed a small “eep!” in reply.

“Good. I like it when my subjects show the proper respect,” Nightmare Moon paused and tapped her chin in thought as she dumped him on the ground once more. “But there is that… no. Surely that old law cannot still be valid, after all of this time?”

Bean said nothing, did nothing, and tried very hard not to be anything, if he could somehow manage it.

A scowl came with an apparent thought to the night mare. “I shall not risk it. Nothing will be left to chance. Cur! I swear the Oath Tripartite, by horn and hoof and wing, that I shall take you as my mate, and that no fatal harm shall befall you until I have brought forth an heir.” Her lips curled back and exposed long white fangs. “Or two, if you please me.”

Bean cowered and yelped in fright as several lightning bolts struck close enough to make every last hair of his tail and mane stand on end. Just stay alive, Bean! She can’t kill you if she’s serious, and somepony will come rescue you from this nightmare!

“Now, there is much to do before my Sister attempts the dawn.” Nightmare Moon flared her leathery bat wings and turned her gaze to the full moon overhead. “She is sure to assemble her troops against me, and she will send forth champions to reclaim the Elements of Harmony. I must ensure they do not succeed.”

Her eyes then snapped to her new husband. “As for you, I suggest you prepare yourself for my return. Once my Night Eternal reigns supreme, I shall summon you and demand your services. Pray you don’t disappoint me.”

With a flash of magic, Bean found himself reeling for several long moments before coming to an abrupt halt. The cackle of Nightmare Moon echoed around him as he struggled with the mechanics of breathing, and from within the embrace of the pitch black nothingness, he tried to put the tattered bits of his sanity back together.

“Where am I?” he murmured while he rubbed the sides of his head for a moment to quell the chaotic voices that were running rampant inside. “Am I even still alive?”

Reaching out with one hoof, he took a few paces forward until he touched a solid stone wall. He then made an about face, repeated the process, and then followed that wall around the whole perimeter of the rather small room, or cell to be more accurate.

“She must have thrown me in the old dungeons,” he muttered once his mind was willing to cooperate with rational thought. “This has got to be some sort of wild hallucination. If I ever wake up, I’m swearing off those jalapeno chili poppers for the rest of my life.”

Sadly, the ponies who had been in charge of dungeon construction had been masters of their craft, and despite his best efforts, Bean could not find a weak stone anywhere in the light deprived cell. Even the iron bars seemed to be as strong as the day they’d been forged, and Bean was finally forced to surrender after several failed kicks left him with nothing more than sore hooves.

“This is a fine way to spend the Summer Sun Celebration,” he muttered as he sat and leaned his head against the cold, unforgiving stone. “If I ever get out of here, I’m going to give everything I own to a registered charity and become a hermit.” He chuckled a bit and shook his head. “Provided Nightmare Moon doesn’t gobble me up in bed when I…”

The enormity of her words slowly finished penetrating his thick skull, and Baked Bean’s eyes grew wide. For long minutes he did nothing but sit and breathe, his mind filled with a maze of chaotic and completely impossible thoughts, before he murmured one weak sentence.

“Mom and Dad always wanted grandfoals in the worst possible way.”





Baked Bean yelped in shock when a nearby torch surged to life and almost burned his eyes out of his head with absolutely no warning. Hooffalls on the flagstones told him that several ponies were approaching, and while he rubbed his eyes and groaned as several other torches in the vicinity began to ignite by themselves, he hoped against hope that he was going to be greeted by a squadron of Princess Celestia’s finest guards.

He really didn’t want to meet Nightmare Moon again.

“I see the dungeons have remained untouched in my absence,” a soft female voice drifted into his cell. It was a rather pleasant voice, much like how Nightmare Moon might sound if she were to ever mellow out and talk normally. Or, as his overwhelmed brain began to whirl again, if she were dressed in silk pajamas and looking for an heir-raising experience.

“Thankfully, I have not had a reason to use them,” a regal, elegant voice responded. “Hello? Is anypony here?”

Baked Bean’s mind took a fraction of a second to race into the past. To his mind’s eye came a Summer Sun Celebration in Las Pegasus during a family vacation when he was but a small colt, and he recalled how in awe he felt at the time when he had watched Princess Celestia gracefully and dramatically raise the sun before the assembled crowd, thus beginning the longest day of the year.

He recalled hearing Celestia’s voice. Though the exact words she had said had been lost, he could still hear her tone, her pitch, her timbre.

Complicated math equations had never been a strong suit for him, but Bean’s mind quite easily put this two and that two together, and his heart leapt in his chest when the answer turned out to be freedom. Princess Celestia hadn’t sent her guards to rescue him, she had come herself.

That obviously meant that Nightmare Moon had been defeated, and a small cheer escaped before he gave a more intelligible response. “I’m down here, Your Highness, and am I ever glad to hear your voice!”

Bean blinked the rest of the burning bright lights out of his eyes while the hinges of the cell door protested being used, and Bean lurched out into the hallway at a near run. Unfortunately, his hoof caught against an uneven stone, and during the resulting stumble he bounced off another pony’s face with an impact that nearly split his nose open and knocked him right down onto his rump.

When he opened his watering eyes, Baked Bean was very glad he was sitting down. Princess Celestia, Sol Invicta, Goddess of the Sun and Moon, looked straight back into his eyes with a magenta gaze that seemed to bounce off the back of his head and turn his brains into tapioca pudding.

She appeared to be saying something, or at least that perfect pale face was moving her lips, and the look he was getting seemed to be compassionate instead of angry for bonking up against her nose. Swallowing once, he focused very hard on his ears until he thought he could hear intelligible words.

“Are you all right?” the Princess asked, and a golden glow gently wrapped around his sore nose with a pleasant tickle.

“I think so,” he replied out of reflex. Following the direction of Celestia’s frequent glances, he added, “Nightmare Moon? Did you defeat her?”

“The Nightmare is no more,” Celestia said, with another glance over her shoulder. “May I have your name, good sir?”

“Baked Bean, Your Highness.”

“Mister Bean, then. We are pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“The pleasure is all mine, Princess.”

“What were you doing here in my old home? This place has had no visitors for hundreds of moons.”

Celestia’s words triggered Bean’s mouth, but not his his brain, as the resulting spew of words made obvious. “Writing. Well, not exactly writing, but trying to write, even though I don’t write very well and certainly not enough to make a living, though I hope I can get better with some practice, and then I can write this idea I have for a story about some dragons, even though I’ve never met any dragons in my life, but I really would like to meet one someday, if I could, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. I guess it’s a good thing there weren’t any here, since I hear they’re very territorial, but I bet that there’s some sort of fine for trespassing here, and I’ll gladly pay whatever it is, and then I’ll be more than happy to just move on and forget any of this happened. I really didn’t mean to cause any problems, and I’m sorry if I troubled you. Whatever the punishment is, I’ll gladly take it, and—”

Celestia stopped him with one upraised hoof. “There’s no law against visiting this place, but to come here shows you are either very brave or very lucky,” Celestia said with a slow shake of her head. “But I am afraid the the matter is not over yet. Come, let us leave this dark place. There is much for the three of us to talk about.”

“Three?” Bean managed to ask.

“Allow me to introduce my sister.” Celestia stepped to one side. “Princess Luna, Mistress of the Moon and Empress of the Eventide.”

Bean blinked rapidly again. This new, dark pony with the tousled mane was only slightly taller than he was, but unless his eyes had been damaged by the torchlight, she appeared to have a set a wings and a horn.

Another alicorn? That meant there was... three of them now, or at least that was the number Bean’s stunned brain came up with. Or maybe four with the young princess in Canterlot, the one all the colts in school were so overboard about. Or five? Bean had not really been prepared to do math this morning, and was failing the test badly.

“Hi?” he offered with a weak smile. “Forgive me, Princess Celestia, but I didn’t know you had a sister.”

“Indeed. She has been lost to me for a thousand years, but thanks to my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, she has been freed from the nightmare that blinded her mind and corrupted her heart. The Diarchy is again whole, and both of us will ensure that we will never be separated again.”

“Oh. Well, I guess it’s a pleasure to meet you… wait.” Bean’s eyes slowly began to grow wide in alarm as his overtaxed mind made the connections. Without conscious thought, his hooves scampered on the floor until he had propelled his rump against the cold stone wall. “Wait! You’re Nightmare Moon!”

“I was Nightmare Moon,” Princess Luna replied with an anguished grimace. “But no more. The darkness will never again taint my decisions, and I offer my most profuse apologies for my behavior. My forward actions and my words were most untoward.”

Bean had to blink again. He hoped that the action might help jump start some rational thoughts in his mind, or at least thoughts that did not involve ancient nightmares from the moon seeking to use his body to produce offspring. “I forgive you, I guess?”

“Thank you, Mister Bean. Come, let us leave this place and discuss what has happened. Though my time as the Nightmare is now at an end, I am afraid our story together is just beginning.”

“Story? What story? I don’t even remember a book,” Bean said while he began to follow the Princesses. His mind cranked and whirred while he tried to figure out what Luna’s cryptic comments meant, but it only took a moment for the proper switches to be thrown in a spray of metaphorical sparks. “Wait a minute. You’re not talking about that—” Bean’s throat locked up, and it took considerable effort for him to say “—heirs thing, right? Because… um… I’ve got nothing,” he admitted.

“I am afraid that is precisely what I refer to,” Luna said with a deep note of remorse, and she paused to clear her throat. “I, um, I must confess that… that the union that I ordered was… was…”

Baked Bean’s legs refused to move. He had once heard that black widow spiders bit and paralyzed their mates prior to biting their heads off, and he wondered how long it would take the new Princess to do the same. “You mean we’re legitimately married?!”

“You need not shout,” Princess Celestia chided.

“But that is what has happened,” Luna insisted. “I ordered our union. I swore the unbreakable Oath Tripartite, and that promise binds us no matter my form, Princess or Nightmare. Though I do believe we can avoid my decree to produce heirs, unless you wish otherwise, we are still husband and wives.”

The news proved to be too much for Baked Bean to handle, and he simply muttered unintelligible grunts of nonsense while the gears of his mind proceeded to grind the teeth off of their collective cogs.

“Oh dear,” Princess Celestia said with a small sigh. “I think you broke him.”





Baked Bean had no idea how long it took for the few scraps of sanity that remained to join back together in his brain, but once they did, he found he was resting on a musty bed in a half-disintegrated bedroom in some forgotten tower of the castle. The smell of moss and fungi assaulted his nose with furious punches, and he retched slightly as he took in the tattered tapestries that hung from the remaining walls.

“There was a time that a stallion would have given all that he owned to lay naked where you now rest,” Princess Luna said from what remained of a corner of the room. “But like everything else in this new life, I am afraid my personal quarters have seen far better days.”

“Quarters?” Bean’s hooves searched for a non-existent blanket to cover up with. “Does that mean we have, um…”

“No,” Luna said over her shoulder, her focus on something that Bean could not see. “I would never do such a thing, not without your full consent.”

“Okay, okay,” Baked Bean rubbed the sides of his head for a moment, and he sucked in as much air as his lungs could handle. “So, we are actually married, right? Like, husband and wife, ‘til death do us part and all that?”

“Yes,” Princess Luna said in a voice steeped in shame.

“And there’s no way out of this?”

Luna turned, a knife held in her magic. “There is one way.”

Bean’s eyes went as wide as saucers. “If it’s all the same, I’d rather keep my head right where it is.”

“What?” Luna glanced at the knife. “Oh! No, no! Forgive me, Mister Bean. This is not meant for you.”

Bean leaned back slightly. “I think I’d like your head to stay where it is, too.”

“This is not meant for me, either. Though I must confess that the thought did cross my mind.” Luna again turned her back to him, and Bean heard the steady thud of the blade as it tapped against the surface of a table. “My sins are as black as pitch, and my own demise would be a fitting punishment. My sister tells me that all is forgiven, but I find that very hard to believe.”

“What are you doing?” Bean asked, and he sat up a bit straighter in an effort to glance over her shoulder.

“I am preparing a meal, simple as it may be. It is customary for the wife to prepare the meals for her husband, is it not?”

Bean gently moved off the bed, and he slowly approached the sullen Princess as she continued to work. “Actually, most mares that I have met think it is rather romantic when a male cooks, and I was a chef. Perhaps I could help you?”

“There is little to help with, but I appreciate your offer. I have nothing more than some cheese, a few bundles of grapes, and some thin biscuits that my sister calls ‘saltines.’ You were imprisoned for over a day, and you must be hungry. Once we return to Canterlot, I shall ensure that you receive a more satisfying meal.”

“Gouda.”

“Bless you.”

“No, that’s the cheese.” Bean pointed to the small wheel that Luna was steadily slicing, and he took a deep whiff. “Aged three years, and imported from Yakyakistan. You’d be hard pressed to find a finer gouda anywhere in Equestria, despite the best efforts of several dairy farms.”

“You can tell all of that with a simple sniff?”

“One of the tricks of my trade,” Bean said with a distant gaze that he was trying—and failing—to keep off Luna’s firm rear end. “Any good chef could tell you that, and more.”

“You truly are a chef, then.”

“Was,” Bean corrected. “I left that life behind me. I’m trying to become a writer, but I’m not having much luck with that yet.”

“Celestia should be able to help you. She has always been a natural and gifted teacher.”

“So, is there really no way out of this marriage thing, short of something unpleasant?”

“My Sister has sent word to Canterlot, and a search is underway at this moment to extricate you from this unfortunate situation,” Luna said. “If there is a way, my sister will find it.”

“But what if she can’t?” Bean asked. “What if I really have to be your husband?”

“We shall have to find the Royal Shackles, the Consort’s Collar, and the Leash of Obedience… oh. You mean something else.” Luna hesitated, and her eyes studied the floor for a few moments. “I am unsure of what will happen. So much has changed during my absence, and I cannot even say what part of Equestria I am in with any degree of certainty anymore. I do know that if you are forced to remain with us as our husband, you will be treated with the utmost care and kindness.”

“‘Us?’ What’s this ‘us’ thing?”

Luna’s head dipped in shame. “I do mean us, Mister Bean. There is an ancient law, written during the foundation of Equestria, that states that being married to one alicorn is to be married to them all. When I forced you to become my mate, I inadvertently married you to Princess Celestia as well.”

There was a long pause with this news, but then Bean let loose a snort of contempt. “All right, look. I realize this has been a really, really rough day, but that kind of joke is not helpful.”

Luna glanced over to him with anger in her eyes, but they softened after a moment of studying his face. “Mister Bean, would I be correct in saying that polygamy has fallen out of fashion over the last thousand years?”

Bean was not much for fashion, with all of the bangles and bows that went along with it, but this was a fashion that bore no clothes. Food was more in line with his life experiences, but that just brought up the idea of alicorn sandwiches with squished bean filling, although he would be flayed alive before he said that out loud. He picked through his words with great care before selecting several that did not seem to be loaded with explosives and short, fizzy fuzes.

“It is... frowned upon, certainly.”

“I see.” Luna pursed her lips and considered her words for several long moments. “Mister Bean, when Equestria was founded, the opposite was true. It was common for several mares to be wed to one stallion at the same time, as doing so provided protection and support. The practice must have slowly died out as the herds grew too large and as more males survived to maturity.”

“So, you and Princess Celestia wrote a law that said you both had to be married to the same male. At the same time. Together. Me?” he ended with a squeak.

“As we share the land, one for day and one for night, we were to share our selected mate,” Luna said with a nod. “The concept has been woven into the very essence of Equestria since the beginning. In theory, it was to show to the ponies of Equestria that Celestia and I were equals; nothing was to be held back between us. It is a great shame that I did not put that theory into practice.”

An awkward pause followed Luna’s statement, and Bean wondered if she was referring to her fall from grace or to something else. He wasn’t sure how to ask, or even if he should, so he instead began to de-vine the grapes to occupy his hooves while he thought about this latest twist.

“Mister Bean?” Luna finally whispered. “Can you ever forgive me?”

Bean thought for several long moments, but then he glanced over and studied Luna’s face. Silent tears trickled down her cheeks, and he could see it was taking every ounce of her willpower to keep from totally breaking down. Despite all of the nightmares he’d just been through, he found that he felt horrible for this newly repentant princess, and he just couldn’t let this continue.

“You know, when I was a kid, I remember breaking an expensive tea set that belonged to my parents. I was trying to surprise my mother with breakfast in bed for her birthday, and I was sure that my parents were going to bury me alive and dance on my grave. By the time they made it down to the scene of the crime, I was a shivering ball of anguish, tears, and snot, and it took about a half an hour or so until I was calm enough for their words to sink in.

“I was dumbfounded when they forgave me on the spot and helped me to clean up the mess. I pondered over why they would do so for hours on end for the better part of a month, and I probably would still be wondering about that if my Dad hadn’t pulled me aside and asked me about it.

“He told me that life is sometimes like a forest fire. There can be a lot of damage when one happens, and many beautifully precious things may be lost. But eventually, the cycle of life continues, the land heals, and new growth comes. What really matters is if we choose to focus on the damage, or if we focus on the healing. Quite often, what comes after is even better than what was there before.

“Obviously, my accident doesn’t equate to your, um,” he hesitated while he searched for the right word, “particular circumstances, but the idea is the same. You can focus on what has been, or you can focus on what can be. You did say that Princess Celestia might be able to find a way to get us out of this multiple partner problem, and if she can, this’ll make for a rather amusing story for later, won’t it?”

Luna snickered slightly. “I suppose it will.”

“So, yeah. I think I can forgive you. I would want to be forgiven, if I was you.”

The corners of Luna’s mouth twitched upwards. “Thank you. Perhaps one day I will be able to repay you for your generosity. You know,” she added with a peculiar twinkle in her eyes, “you have a most clever and gentle tongue. I look forward to discovering what other uses we may find for it.”
> 2. - Introductions and Conversations
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The principles of flight were a mystery to Baked Bean. 

He had learned about lift, drag, and other such related mechanics in school, of course. But he was an earth pony, and that made it rather difficult to understand how a pegasus obtained lift from their wing’s central vane, or how magic enhanced their overall airfoil. The only thing he had really retained was that winged ponies fly, training made a pony fly harder, better, faster, and stronger, and that Princess Celestia was believed to be the preeminent flyer in all of Equestria due to her unsurpassed wing span. 

So, as the Royal Carriage of said Princess banked slightly to point towards Canterlot, Bean found himself scouring his mind for any information that he could scrape together on how the four pegasus guards in front of him managed to keep themselves, the carriage, two princesses, and one common nitwit in the air. 

The effort kept him from thinking about his recent marriage to both Princesses, how such a thing could even be possible, and how in Equestria he was going to explain this to his parents. 

It wasn’t working very well, especially since he was seated directly behind his new wives and had an unparalleled view of Luna’s lithe form and Celestia's soft curves. And both tails, which had a tendency to sweep over his nose and tickle.  

“I believe we will have you stay in the north tower this evening, Mister Bean,” Celestia called out over the rush of the wind. “It’s a bit drafty in the winter, but in this summer heat it’s really the best spot in the whole palace.”

“Um, thank you, I guess.” 

“Lulu, I have a private chamber prepared for you as well, right next to mine,” the Princess continued. “I think you will find it to be tastefully furnished and very familiar, but if you want anything adjusted, added, or removed—and I mean anything—I will have it taken care of immediately. I have the very finest artisans, craftsponies, and chefs in Canterlot on call, and they will attend to your every need, no matter when or where.”

“Thank you, Celly, but I do not believe all of this is necessary,” Luna bashfully replied, her gaze firmly on her hooves. “I have done nothing to deserve such kindnesses.”

“You are my beloved and long-lost sister,” Celestia said while her wing wrapped around Luna and pulled her in for a warm and comforting hug. “This is the least I could do. Once you have had a chance to acclimate, I shall proclaim a week of feasts to honor your return, and all of your former titles, honors, powers, and positions shall be restored to you as soon as the ink from your signature is placed upon the parchment. I will atone for my mistakes, dear sister, even if takes me an eternity to do so.”

“You have nothing to atone for,” Luna softly murmured. “I alone chose the Nightmare.”

“Perhaps we should discuss this more at a future time,” Celestia said with a glance over her shoulder. “We have more pressing issues to attend to.”

Bean leaned over the edge of the carriage and wondered how long it would take before he became a yellow smear across the emerald green fields. 

He then wondered if he had enough mass to even leave a smear. From this height, he might get lucky and just burn up in the atmosphere. 

“For the record, Mister Bean, what has happened is not your fault.” Celestia offered a sad smile as she twisted around to face him. “Nor is it Luna's. This is a mere complication, no different from any other complication one faces in battle. We shall adapt and overcome, as we always do.”

The complication unconsciously tried to make himself as small as possible, and he pushed himself into a corner of the carriage. “I'll do whatever you want me to, Your Highness. I can't help but feel like all of this is my fault, even if you say otherwise.”

“Is there a way to unravel this tangled web I have woven?” Luna asked.

The pause that came was lengthy, and Bean had the distinct impression that Celestia was trying to figure out how to say no in the most diplomatic way. “It may prove to be rather difficult, I must confess. I will investigate every possible method, however, and if there is a way, we will utilize it.”

Bean glanced over the clouds that were rapidly streaking by them. Maybe he could somehow hit his head on the carriage before he leapt over the side.

“And I should note that the carriage has been enchanted to prevent any unfortunate mishaps,” Celestia added. “The guards could fly upside-down and you would remain right where you are, Mister Bean.”

“Oh.”

“I understand this is all very frightening, but please don’t do anything rash. If we all remain patient and understanding, I am sure we can resolve this issue satisfactorily. I offer my personal assurance that you will be taken care of during this ordeal, and once we have returned to Canterlot and taken care of a few minor details, I will answer any and all questions that you may have. This will all turn out for the best, you’ll see.” 

“I hope so,” Bean murmured to his hooves.

“Now, when we land, we will be greeted by Mi Amore Cadenza, my niece,” Celestia continued, but she had to stop when Luna gave her a delighted grin.

“Niece, dear sister? Does this mean my line has not come to total ruin?”

Celestia nodded, but she also drew in a heavy sigh that Bean almost didn’t catch. “Indeed, your progeny is well-established and well-represented in the courts, for good or ill. However, Mi Amore is not one of your direct descendants. Or at least I don't think so,” she added with a short frown. “They did get around. But no, nothing that we have been able to ascertain beyond question.”

“No? A shame, but she is sure to be delightful.”

“Indeed, and she will be overjoyed to meet you.” Celestia’s gaze then turned to Bean, and he had the distinct impression that Mi Amore Cadenza was not going to like meeting him. “We will have much to discuss with her.”





“Auntie Celestia! You’re back! What took so long? I thought you would be back hours ago.”

“I am afraid that there was a complication that arose just as we were leaving Ponyville,” Celestia answered as she accepted the bear hug from her beloved niece. “Luna, this is Cadence…”

Baked Bean promptly lost track of the conversation as he stepped down from the carriage and looked at the ornate marble pillars and stained glass windows. This had to be a private hangar, given the expensive trappings and the armored guards that now surrounded him. He had always wondered what the interior of the Royal Palace looked like, but time had prevented him from taking the tour during his last visit. 

Besides, focusing on the architecture helped to suppress the existential dread that threatened to crush his soul at any moment. The less he thought about his multiple wife problem, the better.

“Mister Bean?” Celestia called out. “Will you come here, please?”

Bean continued to study the embossed ceiling while he approached. Maybe he could just tuck himself into a little cupboard under some stairs somewhere, begin writing, and then never come out again except for food and bathroom breaks. He wouldn’t be a bother to the Princesses or to anypony else that way, and he wouldn’t have to figure out how he could possibly have two wives at the same time.

There was an audible screech—it was hard to tell if it had come from Bean’s hooves or from his mouth—when his gaze finally dropped down and beheld Mi Amore Cadenza. His left rear leg took off in a fantastic tap dance that would make a professional jealous, and his breaths came in wild, halting blasts.

Mi Amore Cadenza was pink, with a colorful mane of vibrant purples. She stood as tall as Princess Luna, and her violet eyes glittered with a never ending well of love unbounded. Her wings were stretched out to their full reach, and her horn glowed with a cyan aura that merely hinted at the unused potential. 

And unless he was mistaken—and he desperately hoped that he was, somehow—wings plus horn equaled alicorn princess, and that meant that he had just met his third wife.

“It is my pleasure to meet you, Mister Bean,” Mi Amore said with a gentle dip of her head. “Tell me, what brings you to Canterlot with my aunts?”

A thousand replies ran through his head, and all of them involved things like throwing him into the deepest pit that existed, feeding him to a tatzlwyrm, or banishing him to the sun with all possible haste.

With all of this in mind, the best he could offer was a faint gurgling noise.

“Mister Bean, I'm afraid, is at the center of the complication that we must now deal with as princesses,” Celestia said in a soft and worried voice. “It seems that he managed to brave the perils of the Everfree Forest, gained access to the Castle of the Two Sisters, and aligned the Elements of Harmony to permit Nightmare Moon’s freedom.”

Mi Amore Cadenza flinched backward at that. “I did not know it was possible for the Elements to be used in such a way.”

“Nor did I. From his account of the events, Mister Bean did not directly use the Elements, but his actions somehow caused a magical release. In the end, this is unimportant; the Elements may have discharged no matter what. The complication arises from the actions of Nightmare Moon once freed. It would probably be best if myself, yourself, and Luna discussed this matter in private, and together we can come to terms on the best way to move forward.”

“Of course!” Cadence put a hoof to her muzzle in concern. “Perhaps we should summon Doctor Horsenpfeffer; I can only imagine how traumatic that meeting was. Would it be wise to have Princess Luna checked out as well?”

“Of course, but after we discuss what has happened.” Celestia turned her full attention to the additional guest, and she tapped a hoof to her chin. “Mister Bean, would you care for something to eat?”

“Yeah, sure,” Bean murmured, his eyes out of focus. “Whatever you say.”

“Lieutenant, please escort Mister Bean to the north tower,” Celestia said to a nearby guard. “Provide him with whatever meal he would care for, and see to it that he is not disturbed. I will send for him when I am ready.”

“Of course, Your Highness.” The lieutenant gave a crisp salute, then motioned to a nearby set of doors. “Right this way, Sir.” 





“Alright, dude. Spill it.” 

The request had just enough power to break through the miasma that had overcome Bean, and he blinked a couple of times before he turned his attention to the guard at his side. “Spill what?”

“Nightmare Moon!” The lieutenant said with an overjoyed smile. “The whole castle is talking about it. That had to have been the most awesomely frightening thing ever! How did you release her? If we had known how to do that, we could have ambushed her with the Elements and saved a lot of panic. If we had known about her before, that is. And knew how to use the Elements. But beside that, give! Come on!”

“I don’t know what I did, or how I did it,” Bean said slowly. “I was just trying to get some writing ideas, that’s all.”

“Is that why you were out there? The guards who were in Ponyville are still in the debrief with Captain Daisy Chain, and I’m dying to know exactly what happened.”

“I don’t know that I have much to tell, really,” Bean said as the horrific events began to replay in his mind. “While I was at the castle, I found this old statue thing with some odd orbs on pedestals. I thought it was a puzzle, and I guess my fiddling gave the Elements just enough of a bump to release Nightmare Moon.”

Bean went over the details of Nightmare Moon’s return and their conversation as they walked, including the demands for an heir and her swearing of the Oath Tripartite. Once he mentioned this, he paused. “Lieutenant, do you know what that Oath is?”

“I heard about it once, back in training.” The Lieutenant removed his helmet and allowed the playfully messy mane of blues to fall across his thick, white neck with a small shake. “I don’t remember the exact details of it, though. Best as I can recall, it’s an unbreakable oath, since the alicorn doing so is swearing by each individual component of their magic, I think. It was like they tie the very essence of themselves into the spell, somehow. The only way to escape it was to fulfil whatever conditions they had placed upon it to the letter. So, I guess in your case, you would have been stuck with Nightmare Moon as your wife until she had a foal or two.” The guard waggled one eyebrow. “Provided you pleased her, that is.”

A gasp of hope swelled in Bean’s chest with the guard’s words. If all he had to do was provide heirs, the solution could be easier than he had anticipated. She had only implied how she wanted to have the heirs, instead of offering any specifics. What if they just adopted two worthy foals? That would complete the terms she had outlined, wouldn’t it? 

“But, that makes me wonder why you’re here, then,” the guard continued. “Nightmare Moon was defeated, so that renders the whole thing moot, right?”

“I wish it did.” There was a slight pause for sanity as Bean took in a slow, cleansing breath. “Luna said that the Oath was still binding, despite everything. I guess Nightmare Moon was still a princess too.”

“Phew.” The guard shook his head, but then he tapped a forehoof in thought. “That’s quite a load to drop into your lap, isn’t it? I wonder if Twily would be able to help with this at all.”

“Twily?”

“My sister, Twilight Sparkle. She was the one who defeated Nightmare Moon.” The Lieutenant bristled with pride, and he stood just a bit taller while his smile grew. “Well, her friends too, I guess, but it was really mostly her. She believed all of the stories and prophecies about The Return, even when everypony else said it was nothing more than an old mare’s tale. She’s also Celestia’s personal student. If anypony could help you, she could.”

“Do you think she’d be willing to help?” Bean had to ask, his hope ticking up a few more notches. 

“If Princess Celestia doesn’t get her involved with the search, I will. I’ll also see if I can’t find more information on the Oath Tripartite for you, once I get a free minute.”

“I’d appreciate that. Thank you, Lieutenant… um…”

“Shining Armor.” A hoof was extended, and Bean shook it with a small smile. “You can just call me Shining, though.”

“Baked Bean. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“Likewise. So, what can I get from the kitchens for you? The rosemary salad is pretty good, but it tends to be a bit bittersweet, in my opinion. Of course, I’m used to military chow, and anything tastes better than that.”

The chuckle that the two stallions shared was comforting, and Bean felt a trickle of normalcy returning to his life. He liked Shining’s easygoing tone and relaxed stance, and he entertained the notion that they could be friends, no matter how the marriage mess worked out. “What would you recommend, out of everything that is served here?”

Shining snorted out a laugh. “Well, if I was you, I think I'd want the biggest oatburger I could get my hooves on, with a side of chili cheese hayfries and a tall cold one to wash away the memories.”

Bean nodded, and his smile grew even larger. “That does sound good, but I'll just take a soda, and no ketchup on that burger, if that's allowed.”

“Hey, you're the guest, and my orders were to get you whatever you want. Your room is just around the corner, and I'll go get your food while you get settled.”





“Honestly, being a guard is awesome.” Shining paused to stuff a hoof full of chili cheese fries into his mouth, and his manners were sent packing while he chewed and continued the conversation. “I love it, especially when we get a bunch of little fillies and colts in here during a field trip. It’s adorable to watch them as they try to get us to crack a smile, and it’s good training. Plus,” Shining leaned over, glanced towards the door, and grinned deviously “mares love a stallion in armor.”

“Is that so?” Bean chuckled and wiggled slightly to adjust his position on the blissfully soft guest bed in his room.

“Like you wouldn’t believe. My marefriend can’t keep her hooves off of me sometimes.”

“Really? What’s she like?”

“Oh, she’s practically perfect in every way. She’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s the kindest, nicest mare that you could ever hope to meet, if we don’t count Princess Celestia. It also helps that she’s the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria. I got the total package with her.”

“She sounds delightful,” Bean said as his thoughts turned to his own complicated relationship. Or, relationships, since he was in more than one. 

A staccato burst of knocks interrupted the conversation, and Shining stood. “That's Miss Inkwell, the Princess’ secretary. Celestia must be ready for you.”

Bean's rear leg began to shake again. Could he politely refuse to meet with her, somehow, and just ignore what had happened? This guest room was nice, so he could just stay in here forever, right?

“Mister Bean? The Princess is waiting for you,” Miss Inkwell said with a no-nonsense tone of impatience that forced Bean pop off the bed and walk over to the door, despite the efforts of his rear leg to go sideways. Telling Celestia no would be like telling a river to stop moving, and he’d probably get thrown in the dungeons again if he tried. 

“Hey, deep breaths,” Shining offered with a smile. “In my experience, things aren’t usually as bad as they first appear. Keep calm, carry on, and hope for the best. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Shining did have a point, but for the wrong reason. The worst had happened already, but now he was going to find out how bad it really was.


 * *  ✹ * * 


“Wait here, please,” Miss Inkwell ordered with a small sneer, and Bean stopped instantly. The distance between his guest room and Princess Celestia’s private drawing room had been terrifyingly short. While the bespeckled secretary knocked on the ornate door, Bean glanced up and down the hallway. That was a lovely row of potted plants, and the stained glass window above him was a fairly accurate depiction of both of his wives, with their wings outstretched and their cutie marks set just above them. 

A few curious details caught his attention once he took a longer moment to actually look at the image in the glass. For one thing, the glass seemed to be brighter and shinier than the windows that resided next to them, and for some odd reason, there was a definite odor of glue. It was almost like the whole thing had been hastily brought out of storage and slapped together at the last minute, but he dismissed the notion as just pure silliness. Why would Celestia want to do such a thing?

The other odd element was the actual depiction of the Princess of the Night. In the glass, Luna’s mane was flowing and sparkling, in a manner that seemed to match how Celestia’s mane billowed and drifted along on an invisible magical breeze. Her coat was a few shades darker, and she seemed to be a bit taller, too. 

The notion that Princess Luna had changed intrigued him, but it also made sense when he thought about it. She had changed into Nightmare Moon, after all, and that form bore only a passing resemblance to her now. He pushed the thought back as Miss Inkwell summoned him again, but he wasn’t paying attention, and his forward progress was stopped when his nose connected with an immovable object. 

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza staggered back and yelped as she rubbed her own injured nose, but she paused when her eyes locked on to him and her mouth drew into a thin line. Bean couldn’t quite decide if she wanted to hug him, strangle him, or both at the same time, and he took a step back and prepared to make a run for his life, no matter how futile such an action would be. 

“Wysteria?” Mi Amore whispered to the secretary, but her eyes continued to bore into Bean. “Could you please go summon Lieutenant Armor? I have something that I need to discuss with him right now.”

“Of course, Your Highness.” Miss Inkwell glanced between the Princess and the commoner quickly, and Bean was sure she was deciding how long Bean had to live, and if she had enough time to get a shovel to scrape up what remained of him before doing as she had been asked. With a flick of her tail, the secretary left, and Bean began to fear for his rapidly-shortening life as the young Princess took a step towards him. 

“So, I guess you are my husband now, it would seem.”

“I really didn’t mean for any of this to happen, Your Highness,” Bean blurted in an pathetic attempt to keep his hide attached to his self. “I had no idea about—”

He was silenced by an upraised hoof and a drawn-out sigh. “I know, Mister Bean. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna explained what happened. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“But maybe there’s a way to undo all of this?” he offered. 

Another heavy sigh came, and Mi Amore’s ears folded back. “You should discuss that with Princess Celestia. If you’ll excuse me, I need to speak with Lieutenant Armor. I’m sure you and I will be able to talk later.”

Bean nodded, and Mi Amore shuffled away like a prisoner heading to her final punishment. He felt horrible about what had happened, but he really hoped that Celestia had a way to get all of them out of this

“Please, Mister Bean, do come in,” Princess Celestia called out. “There is much I need to discuss with you.”

The reluctant bridegroom entered the private room, but he stalled out halfway in as he took in the details of this new place. Compared to the rest of the castle it was not much, perhaps just over three of Celestia’s body lengths to a side with floor-to-ceiling window on one side to allow plenty of natural light in. The cushions appeared to be plush and overstuffed, made of the finest velvets and silks, and there was a distinct possibility that Bean would be unable to get off of them once he settled in. Bookshelves lined one wall, with hardbound codices of all sizes and color and various scrolls scattered amongst the tops of them. The other wall held a few scenic paintings, a portrait of the Royal Sisters, and a few sentimental items upon some shelves. A round table sat in the middle of the room for the final touch of elegance, with legs short enough to allow a pony to spread out on the pillows next to it and still reach across the whole table with ease.

“Would you care for some tea, Mister Bean?” Celestia offered. “I am a fan of chamomile this late in the day, myself, but I am sure we could provide something suitable to your tastes.”

“Chamomile will be fine, thank you. Where is Princes Luna?”

“She is in her personal chambers at the moment.” Celestia’s golden magic wrapped around the porcelain teapot, and Bean tried to calculate how many decades it would take for him to afford such an elegant set. “After being gone for a thousand years, there are a great many details that she needs to attend to.”

“Me being among them,” he huffed as he plopped down beside the table. “Princess, is there any way to unmarry all of us and to forget this all happened?”

The Princess hesitated, and a shudder passed through her wings as she sat a bit taller. “To the best of my knowledge, Mister Bean, no. The laws that we are now subject to are binding and completely unbreakable, even for me.”

Bean squeaked, and his mind began to reel.

“Perhaps it would be best to explain how this all came to be.” Celestia tapped her hoof to her chin for a moment. “Tell me, Mister Bean, how much do you know of the history of Equestria?”

It took a long swallow before Bean could talk, and he ventured, “about the same as anypony else, I suppose. I wasn’t a model student, but I did okay in school.”

“I see. Let me offer just a few details to help explain, then. You know of the animosity between the pony tribes before Unification, of course, and how the magic of friendship managed to unite them together. However, a Kingdom cannot be built on friendship alone, and the foundation of Equestria was slightly more complicated than what is usually shown in the Hearth’s Warming pageants every year. Commander Hurricane, Chancellor Puddinghead, and Princess Platinum had to convince their respective tribes that peace could be obtained and was worth the effort, but there were some who resisted and dug in their hooves, as it were.

“The largest offender was a Duke by the name of Iron Hoof. He was a powerful unicorn in his own right, but he was also charismatic, handsome, and popular among the nobility in the unicorn tribe. He quibbled and fought over every minute detail in every council, conclave, and summit, and he did everything in his power to establish his unicorns—and himself—with the most power and authority. Though he never outright said so, I believe he saw the unification efforts as a way to enslave the earth ponies and the pegasi, and I spent innumerable hours in countering his efforts. 

“In time, his designs became clear to the other delegates and leaders, and his proposal to install a monarchy with himself as King was defeated by installing myself and Luna as Diarchs.This seemed to be the end of it, but Luna noticed a loophole that could be exploited. If Iron Hoof proposed marriage, he could still become King and reverse everything that had been done.

“In the end, I found that there was only one way to defeat him once and for all. As Luna has mentioned, polygamy was allowed at the time of unification, for a variety of reasons that I won’t get into right now, and my sister was also happily married to a wonderful stallion by the name of Star Struck. After consulting with both of them and The Three, it was eventually agreed that if I married Star, Iron Hoof would be thwarted, once and for all. The necessary laws were forged in short order, and in a ceremony attended by The Three and none other, I was acknowledged as Star Struck’s legitimate and legal wife.”

“So you’ve married before, too?” Bean had to ask, and Celestia nodded. 

“Yes, but it was a marriage in name only. Star belonged to Luna and to her alone, his heart would never be able to love another. While he respected me and treated me like a sister, our relationship was never intimate. We maintained separate chambers, separate schedules, and separate lives. Well, other than the wedding night,” admitted Celestia with a faint pinking of her ears and a quick sip of tea.

Shining Armor had been wrong, things had just gotten much worse. Not only was he dealing with a marriage that nopony wanted, he was also competing against a dead husband. 

“Does all of this make sense, Mister Bean?” Celestia asked, and she proceeded when he nodded dumbly. “Good. Now, when the laws were written, it was realized that they had to be infallible. There could be no contingencies, loopholes, contradictions, anarchisms, contextual errors, or anything else that could somehow allow the Duke to marry me or Luna. If you like, I can produce a copy for you to look over.”

“No, that’s okay. I wouldn’t be able to understand all of the legal jargon.”

Celestia nodded again. “As an interesting side note, it was Chancellor Puddinghead who provided the greatest legal advice on the matter, and who mentioned that this marriage law would have to be ingrained into the laws that established Equestria as a kingdom. I won’t go over how we managed that right now, but it is sufficient to say that to undo our marriage would undo Equestria.”

“What about a divorce? Couldn’t we just do that?”

“I’m afraid not. Divorce among the ruling class was forbidden, mostly because Iron Hoof could then somehow compel me to divorce Star and marry him. As I said, every possible avenue of nullification was removed.”

“What about once I provide heirs? I would fulfil the terms of the Oath if I did that, wouldn't I?”

“Again, no. Nightmare Moon promised you would not be injured until you provided heirs. She placed no such terms or conditions upon the marriage.”

“So, if there's no way out of this, why are you having the ponies in the Royal Archives look at the law?”

There was a long pause with this, and Celestia’s gaze drifted to the window before she replied. “Mister Bean, I do not believe for a second that anypony involved with this turn of events is pleased. The fault for these events lies with me and me alone; I should have realized that Nightmare Moon could use the marriage clause as a weapon and taken the appropriate precautions.

“While I am quite sure that there is no option that will allow our union to be dissolved, I feel that I owe it to you, to Cadence, and to Luna to at least look and to make absolutely sure. The finest legal minds will be tasked with reviewing this law, Mister Bean, and should an opening present itself, I will release all of us immediately.”

Bean felt a twinge of regret in his chest, and he swirled the tea in his cup while he processed what Celestia had said. The Princess obviously felt horrible about everything, and she wasn’t directly responsible for it. Really, the odds of a stallion being in the Castle at the exact moment of Nightmare Moon’s release had to be so long that anypony would consider it a sucker bet. 

“So, since it seems like I’m going to be here for a while, what happens to me now?” he asked after a few moments.

“To you? Very little. It will fall upon me, my sister, and Princess Cadence to deal with this dilemma. For now, I would ask that you remain here, in the Palace, until we can sort everything out. Once that is done, I will ask you to appear in public with us, and to make token laws and rulings on occasion. My little ponies will question you and your true motives, and we will need to show them that you mean no ill towards us, or to them. However, we will worry about that at a future time.”

Celestia then focused her full attention on him, and a thoughtful look crossed her face. “In fact, there may be something you can do now to help show your true intents and purposes.” 

“Oh? What’s that?”

“My sister has been absent from Equestria for a thousand years, Mister Bean, and everything she has ever known has been drastically altered. She is going to need a friend to help her navigate this strange new world, more than anything, and you may just be the perfect pony for the position. You can help her acclimate to these modern times, and as her husband, it will be easier for her to heed your advice.”

“I could try, I guess. I don’t know how much help I can be, though.”

“Just do your best, Mister Bean. That’s all I can ask of you.”

Before Bean could say a word in response, an explosion of words erupted from quite some distance away, although he could still make out their meaning, as well as determine that the speaker was most certainly Shining Armor.

“He what?! I'm going to kill him!”


 * * ☽ * * 

> 3.- Moonrise
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You know, it would have been nice to have a least a little warning about this multiple marriage thing,” Cadence tried to keep a bitter note out of her voice, but could not help but see the faint wince from Auntie Celestia as they slowly traversed the hallway that led to the north tower. “Shiny deserved better, too.”

“Indeed, but I did not wish to taint your decision,” Celestia softly replied, her proud ears drooping slightly in that way that always tore at Cadence’s heart. It irked her, because Celestia had always been able to manipulate the young alicorn with the most understated of gestures instead of any punishment for the trouble that an unguarded cookie jar or fun slippery banister caused. Well, she was not a little filly any more, and Cadence tried to firm her resolve while continuing their ‘argument.’

“My decision?”

“What would you have done if I had told you about this when you first started to court Shining Armor, or any other stallion for that matter? I did not tell you because I believed you would be more concerned with finding somepony who would be right for me, instead of following your heart. I feared that you would then decide that finding one who was worthy would be impossible, and that you’d give up the endeavor altogether. You care deeply for others, dear niece, and I couldn’t bear to think that you would deny yourself the pleasures and joys of marriage for any reason.”

“But you would have been Shiny’s wife, too.”

“Yes,” Celestia said with a slow nod. “But I would have kept my big mouth shut. You never would have known. I can keep a secret, after all.” Celestia let out her breath in what only technically could be called a sigh, but any train engineer would have recognized the release of pressure that kept an over-stressed boiler from exploding at any moment .

Cadence’s cadence slowed slightly. “Really? You wouldn’t have wanted—”

“No. I would have refused any such offer.” Only Cadence’s long experience with her aunt caught the tiny quiver of her bottom lip and the moment of fierce longing in her eyes, before the legendary iron control returned.

“But, you deserve to be happy too, Auntie Celestia. We could have come to some sort of agreement.” Trying her best to put on a show at levity, Cadence added, “Alternate Tuesdays, perhaps.”

Celestia’s face twisted into a grimace as they rounded the last corner to Mister Bean’s guest room. “Well, what could have been is entirely moot at this point. Baked Bean is our…” Celestia cleared her throat “husband now, so we must deal with the situation as it stands. I am sorry things have not progressed they way they should have, Cadence. Shining Armor was perfect for you, and you both would have been happy together.”

Cadence nodded slowly to this, and she inhaled deeply. “We would have, but what’s done is done.”

“Just please don’t mention any of this to Luna. She feels quite horrible enough already, and we don’t need to add to her misery.”

“I won’t.”

“Thank you, and good luck with Mister Bean. If there is anything I can do to help comfort him, please let me know. I will do what I can.”

“As will I.”

Celestia offered a sad smile. “I am most fortunate to have a niece who is so thoughtful and devoted. I will be in my drawing room, if you need me.”

Another nod was shared, and Cadence offered her own sad smile while her beloved Aunt walked away. While she did still feel slighted and hurt over the situation, Celestia had spoken the truth, and Cadence knew that she needed to put her own feelings behind her for now. Mister Bean’s wounds would be the deepest, and she was determined to care for him just as she would have for Shining Armor.

She was a Princess of Equestria, and it was now time to act like one.

“Mister Bean?” she called out with a gentle tap on his door. “May I come in?”

Princess Cadence’s ear flicked as it waited for a reply to come back, but the only response was a sniffling grunt that sounded vaguely affirmative. After a moment of debate, she decided the noise was as close as she was going to get to a yes, and she gently nudged the door open.

Her heart broke a little when she saw a Bean shaped lump under the blankets of the bed, with a sniffling yellow nose sticking out of one end. With a long breath, Cadence simply plopped her rear down on the bed next to him, and she felt the shiver of fear that ran up the length of his spine before one of his rear legs began to shake uncontrollably.

“Shining Armor isn’t actually going to kill you, you know,” she offered as she glanced around at the accommodations.

“Of course he won’t,” Bean whispered back. “He’s a Lieutenant. There’s probably some super-secret execution squad that specializes in silent eliminations that’ll come end me.”

“You’ll be happy to learn that no such thing exists. Even if it did, he wouldn’t do that either. He’s not that type of pony. He’s just… confused, and a little angry.”

“If you’re trying to make me feel better, it isn’t working. Saying he’s a little angry is like saying Mount Canter is a little hill.”

Cadence’s mouth opened, then snapped shut. Debating the point with him wasn’t going to help right now, and she could see why he would have a hard time believing her. “So, how are you holding up?”

“Oh, I’m just peachy,” he snorted with a slight note of derision tainting his words. “I’m married to three princesses all at the same time just because I couldn’t believe the truth that was staring me right in the face. If I had just…”

“Just what?” Cadence kindly asked after a lengthy pause.

“It doesn’t matter,” he bitterly said. “I’m dead, one way or another. If Shining Armor doesn’t get to me, you will, and if you don’t, the populace will. I don’t think anypony is ever going to forgive me for this one.”

“Why should I forgive you, particularly since you haven’t done anything wrong?”

“Oh, don’t start with that!” Bean sat up quickly and sent the blanket flying. “‘It wasn’t you, it was Nightmare Moon,’ right? If there had been even an ounce of intelligence in my empty skull, I wouldn’t have been anywhere near the Castle of the Two Sisters. I would have been home, where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. Nightmare Moon would have been defeated by Twilight Sparkle—who also is going to kill me, I’m sure—and you would have married Shining Armor, like you were supposed to. It doesn’t matter what anypony says. In the end, I was not supposed to be in the castle.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“I’m pretty extra sure with sugar on it, yes. I hope you’re not suggesting that there was some sort of fate involved with this.”

Cadence smiled softly, and her gaze went to the ceiling. “Fate is a fickle thing, if we really look at it. Ponies have often found themselves in places where they never expected to be, doing things they would never normally do. Take Twilight, for example. She was Celestia’s student, and up until two days ago, she expected to continue her studies at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns by herself. Friends were a terrible distraction, an inconvenience, and a waste of time. Then, out of the blue, her mentor sends her to a small town to make friends, and during that process, she defeats an ancient evil that everypony thought was a myth.

“Even I have been affected by the winds of destiny before today, Mister Bean. I never thought I would be a Princess. When I was a filly, I was just a regular pegasus, living in Cloudsdale and doing perfectly ordinary things. If you had told me then that, one day, I would have a horn, I would have laughed in your face and wondered if the altitude was getting to you.

“So, who knows? Maybe all of this was meant to be, in some way.”

Bean’s eyes darted back and forth as he thought this over. “That’s still quite a stretch, you gotta admit.”

“Perhaps, but I think you should remain open to the idea.”

Bean shook his head. “I can’t make any promises.”

“Fair enough. Do you need anything, Mister Bean? More blankets, maybe, or perhaps something to snack on?”

“Why are you so nice?” he blurted.

“Why shouldn’t I?” she countered.

“Because I just upended your whole life and took you away from your true love. I really thought you’d be screaming and hollering the next time we met, if not just strangling me outright.”

Cadence offered a cold and distant smile. “Praesentia ex res praeteritas prudenter agit, ne ea actiones futuras deturpet.”

”Huh?”

“It’s an old phrase I was taught when I first came to Canterlot. ‘From the experience of the past, the present acts prudently, lest it spoil future actions.’ Mister Bean, you can be assured that I am not without feeling in this matter. I am dumbfounded, disappointed, dismayed, and angry, but experience tells me that lashing out with those emotions will accomplish nothing. Despite my pains, I am choosing to act prudently in this matter, so that the future will be as good as it can be. I think it would be for the best if we worked together as we move forward in this strange endeavor, rather than constantly being at each other’s throats. We can figure all of this out, somehow.”

“I really, really hope so,” he murmured to the bedsheets.

Cadence wanted to say more, but she could see that Bean needed some time to ponder over what she had said. Without a word, she stood and left the room, but once in the hallway, she turned around and stuck her head back in the doorway.

“Trust in Harmony, Bean, and hope for the best. It might be all we can do at the moment, but it’s better than having no hope at all.”

Bean nodded slowly. “Thanks. I’ll try to, I guess.”


 * *  ☽  * * 


“Mister Bean? Are you in here?”

Baked Bean rose from the desk, crossed the room, and slowly opened the door just a crack. He was not at all surprised to find Princess Luna on the other side, but his left rear leg began to hammer against the floor in terror once he got a good look at his visitor.

“Forgive me for not being present for most of the day, dear husband. I have been engaged in singular combat against that fearsome foe known as bureaucracy; but I have vanquished their champion, the foul red tape, and I am now at your disposal.”

“What in Equestria are you wearing?!” he breathlessly asked.

Luna glanced over herself, which brought a soft tinkling noise from the small silver bells that adorned her accoutrements. “Well, these are the Royal Shackles,” she held up a forehoof and presented the silver chains for his inspection “and the Consort’s Collar,” she pointed to the thick black choker that clung tightly to her neck “and the Leash of Obedience, and the Bridle of the Newlywed Bride, and—”

“Why are you wearing all of that?!” he hastily clarified.

“Is there something wrong with a wife wishing to please her husband?” Luna replied with a small pout. “After all, one of the many glorious benefits of marriage is to have another as your own, to share in the splendor of our bodies, to merge in the immortal dance of pleasure of procreation, and bring forth from our passions new life—”

All four of Bean’s legs began to quiver and buckle as his imagination provided a detailed image of what Luna was talking about, and he had to put one hoof on the doorframe to steady himself. “You… want to…”

“Is there something about these modern times that says we should not?” Luna asked. “A taboo, or some rule that I am unaware of that prevents a married couple from engaging in—”

“No, there’s nothing like that,” Bean cut her off again, desperate to somehow change the conversation. “In fact, most ponies would think there’s something very wrong with a couple who doesn’t do all of that. It’s just that, um…”

“Just what?” Luna pressed, with a slight jingling toss of her head.

“Well, you’re a princess. I’m a commoner. I’m sure that those two were never meant to intermingle, even a thousand years ago.”

Luna snorted at that. “Rubbish and poppycock. My first husband was just as common as you are, and we spent many wonderful years together. That notion was invented by the ‘nobility’ to artificially increase their own station and to make themselves feel more important.”

“Oh. I thought that, um…” Bean hesitated for a moment, then quickly sucked in a breath. “Anyway, I just met you. Nowadays, ponies like to get to know each other before they get serious in a relationship.”

Luna tilted her head in confusion, and Bean really wished she’d stop moving and making those little bells chime. It was sending a shiver of delight through his skin, and he hated it. “How peculiar. In my time, it was far preferable to secure a mate as quickly as possible. A mare needed to find a provider and a caregiver, one who was strong and would defend her from any threats. There was plenty of time to get to know a husband after you married them.”

“I have a hard time believing you ever needed a provider, or a protector.”

Luna bobbed her head from side to side in thought. “Perhaps not so much for myself and my sister, yes.”

“And besides, the only reason we are married is because—”

Bean snapped his own words off when Luna’s face twisted into one of torment and anguish. Though she was obviously trying to suppress them, large tears began to build in the corners of her eyes, and one slid down her cheek before she replied.  “Because I forced us together.”

“No, Nightmare Moon did.”

“Mister Bean, let me explain something very clearly to you—I am Nightmare Moon, and Nightmare Moon is me. There is no simpler way of putting it. As much as you or I might want to dismiss my atrocities by blaming them on another, the simple fact of the matter is the Nightmare gave me the power to do what I wanted. I am the one who craved attention, I am the one who longed for a night eternal, and I am the one who swore the Oath Tripartite and bound us together for the rest of your days.

“Now, having said that, it is clear that your heart holds no love within it for me. I apologize for disturbing your evening, and I will harass you no more.”

“Luna, wait!” Bean quickly flung the door open, but she had pulled her hoof away from him before he could reach her. With a desperate twist, Bean flopped to the ground and managed to bite down on the Leash of Obedience. Instantly, the Princess froze in her tracks just the same as Bean’s mind came to a screeching halt.

“What is it?” she whispered.

It took a moment for Bean to cautiously put down the Leash of Obedience, lick his dry lips, and make words. “Look, that was stupid of me, and I’m sorry. I’m just feeling very confused and overwhelmed right now, and I have a hard time believing that you are interested in having our relationship be so intimate so soon.”

Luna said nothing in response, so Bean pressed on. “Just be a little patient with me, please. If there really is no way to undo this marriage, then I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with an angry wife. I’m going to say and do a lot of stupid things, despite my attempts to avoid doing so, and I really don’t want to be condemned for that.” He paused again, and added in a soft voice, “Kinda like how you don’t want to be condemned for what you may or may not have done.”

Luna’s eyes remained on his prone form for a moment, but then they went to her own hooves. “I would rather not remain angry with you, as well. All is forgiven, dear husband. Come! It is time for me to raise the moon. I have not done so for a thousand years, and I would very much appreciate your support in this endeavor.”

“Uh, sure,” he replied as his brain tried to catch up from the sudden mood swing. “I can come with you. Just one thing.”

“Yes?”

“Are you going to raise the moon while wearing this?” Bean asked with a small tug on the leash.

“Is there a reason why I should not?”

“Um…” Bean released his grip and took a step back. “No. No, there isn’t.”

“Sister? Mister Bean?” Celestia’s voice came over Bean’s shoulder, and he whirled in alarm and with a small squeak of fear while flinging himself up against the nearby wall.

“Princess Celestia! This isn’t what it looks like!”

Celestia glanced between him and Luna. “It isn’t? I thought you two were discussing the raising of the moon.”

“Well, we were, but, um…”

“Or do you refer to my Sister’s manner of dress?” Celestia tapped one hoof to her chin. “That does remind me. I should ensure that my own Consort’s Collar is in good repair, and my Royal Shackles will need to be lubricated. I think I left them in my closet somewhere, perhaps on that upper shelf with my red stilettos. I will ensure they are ready for your use, Mister Bean, before you bed me.”

Baked Bean could only come up with one appropriate response to that.

He fainted dead away.


 * *  ☽  * * 


“Really, Mister Bean, I am sorry for using so much water,” Celestia offered once more to the still-sopping prince. “Should you happen to faint again, I will simply summon Doctor Horsenpfeffer for your care.”

“It’s all right,” Bean sputtered. With a plop, he parked his rear on the cool marble of the large and ornate balcony, and he began to wring out his tail. “I just need to watch my thoughts better.”

“Luna? Are you ready?”

The nocturnal princess gazed at the distant hills, and she drew in a slow and unsteady breath. “No, and it may be several years until I am. You should bring it up, Sister.”

“Lulu?”

The whispered nickname caught Bean’s attention, and his eyes went to Celestia while Luna glanced up with a small jingle of her bells. “Tia?”

“The moon is rightfully yours, and I will not touch it unless I absolutely must.” Celestia’s horn lit, but her head dipped slightly as the sun slid below the western hills. “You said, once, that I never gave you the respect you deserve. Over the last thousand years, I have had much time to ponder upon how right you were, and how wrong of me it was to treat you that way. I refuse to do so again, dear Sister. I will honor your position as Princess, and I will give you the veneration you are owed. You have always been my equal, and it is high time that my actions reflect that truth.”

Luna nodded slightly, and Bean could see the confusion—and the building delight—in her eyes with the words from her elder sister. It was clear that he needed to be completely reeducated in ancient Equestrian history, since he had never been given a solid reason for Luna’s jealousy. Evey account presented Celestia as infalliably right and Luna as a greedy, power-hungry mare who just wanted more and more. The truth, it seemed, was far more nuanced than that, but at least he could obtain the truth straight from the source.

Or, the truth according to Luna, at least. While he had to admit that he had not retained much information from his high school literary classes, he did remember that a pony’s view could be tainted by bias and emotion. Luna would, doubtless, have her own version of what happened, and it would be just as valid as Celestia’s version, or any other version that may exist.

“Go ahead, Sister,” Celestia gently urged, with a quick hug. “Bring up the moon.”

Even Bean, being the idiotic, common plebeian that he was, could feel the weight of destiny that came with those words. A thousand years ago, Celestia had been forced into combat—and had her sister banished—because the Moon refused to yield to the Sun.

Now, the Sun was willingly offering the sky.

With a hard swallow and a small nod, Luna turned to the eastern hills. For several long moments she remained motionless, but Bean somehow knew she was questioning herself. He wasn’t sure how he knew—perhaps it was because her ears were splayed back against her head, or maybe it was how her cropped tail flicked and twisted—but he knew, all the same.  Would she be able to control the moon, after so long? Would the Darkness again overtake her? Could she trust herself to correctly perform her duties?

The last seemed to be the weightest of all. It was certainly one Bean was more than familiar with, and not in a good way.

With a gentle clearing of her throat, Celestia again prompted Luna. The Princess of Eventide closed her eyes tightly, lit her horn, and ever-so carefully reached out. She began to mutter through clenched teeth, and though he could not clearly hear her words, she seemed to be rebuking herself, with severe admonishments to do what she needed to do without screwing it up.

Well, that last bit was probably what he would be saying, but the idea was similar.

A sliver of silver moon began to peek over the hills, unsure if it was really allowed to come out to play. By inches, it slowly continued, as if it was ready to beat a hasty retreat at the slightest sign of trouble. It was, in all likelihood, the slowest moonrise in the history of Equestria, but Celestia said nothing about the delay.

After what felt like several hours and with a few whimpers of fear, Princess Luna finally finished her task, and the full moon hung heavy and somewhat proudly in the vast field of summer stars. With a smug grin of deep satisfaction, Luna turned to her sister and puffed out her chest.

“How was that, Tia?”

“I could not have done it better myself,” Celestia said with a pleased grin. “Welcome back, Sister.”

Bean leaned back slightly as the bells on Luna jingled with her happy bouncing. Maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him, but had the Princess grown an inch or two while the moon was rising?

It didn’t matter, he decided. Despite everything that happened over the last forty eight hours, he did have to admit that seeing the Princess of the Night cheering like a schoolfilly made him feel warm inside. For the first time in a thousand years, she had performed her appointed duty, and the glee that flowed from her quickly washed over everypony and brought smiles to their faces.

“HUSBAND!” Luna bellowed at a volume that physically shoved Bean backwards just before she pranced over and tackled him. “We hath done it! Come, let us celebrate this most momentous occasion in our private chambers, where we shall engage in a most glorious rort! Guards! Bring forth the finest vintage that can be obtained from the stores! The swiving shall last all night!”

“What?! Wait!” Bean tried to protest, but it was useless. With a casual flick of her magic, Luna hauled the panicking prince into the air and began to levitate him towards her room. “No! Hold on a minute! This is too much, too fast! I don’t drink! Help! At least let me pick the wine!”


 * *  ☽  * *


“I wasn’t really going to kill him, you know,” Shining Armor said with a sulking pout.

“I know, but put yourself in his horseshoes,” Cadence replied while she crawled across the Princess De Luxe* sized bed. “For most of the day, you two were at least friendly, and then all of a sudden you’re shouting death threats. You scared him, and he didn’t even do anything wrong.”
*”For all of your Celestia-sized needs!” -Quills and Sofas
—

“I know, I know. I’ll make it up to him, somehow.”

“I’m sure you will, Lieutenant,” Cadence said while crawling over his prone form and giving his cheek a peck.

“So, what happens to us now?”

Cadence snorted hard, which ruffled Shining’s mane. “I don’t know. I hate to say it, but we may have to stop seeing each other.”

Shining rolled over and pulled in his stolen love with his forehooves. “Do you really think that either of us could walk away from each other?”

“No, and that’s what scares me the most about what has happened. Baked Bean will not press any sort of relationship with me, or my aunts, but the palace has eyes and ears everywhere. The tabloids would roast us alive for years if they find out we are still together. It would send your career crashing into the ground in flames.”

“Maybe I should just walk away from the Royal Guard. If it means that I could still have you, somehow—”

“Don’t you even joke about that,” Cadence threatened with a nip to his ear. “You’ve put in so much time and effort, and I know you love it. Don’t throw away your dreams, Shiny. I couldn’t live with myself if you did because of me.”

“You’re right, as always. But that still leaves us right back where we started.”

“We’ll figure something out,” she assured him with a weak smile. “As Auntie Celestia always says, ‘trust in Harmony.’ We have tonight and each other. Let’s let that be enough for now.”

“With you, it is always enough,” Shining cooed while he turned off the lights.

There was a long, dark silence, broken by Cadence’s soft voice. “Shiny, what’s the word for a male courtesan?”

The tickling lasted forever.
> 4. - Promotion
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Lulu?” Celestia called out with a gentle tap on her sister’s bedroom door. “Are you in there? It’s time to lower the moon.”

She’s not being rebellious, Tia, she told herself with several calming breaths. Just relax. She just forgot, nothing more. You need to give her time to adjust.

No reply came from the interior, and Celestia knocked again, with a little more force and a faint flutter of suppressed fear somewhere deep inside. “Lu? I need you to get up and take care of the moon. You can go back to bed when you’re done.”

This statement brought out an unintelligible grunt, which was followed by an odd-sounding giggle. Celestia glanced up and down the hallway, then hesitantly put her ear to the door. 

“Mm, you smell like strawberries coated in caramel sauce.” Luna’s voice was faint, mumbling, and beyond delighted. “I could just gobble you up.”

“Mister Bean,” Celestia whispered to herself as relief washed over her. She had forgotten that Luna had absconded with their unexpected husband after raising the moon last night. The concern over an encore performance from Nightmare Moon melted into amusement at the situation, and with a giggle of her own, Celestia gently nudged one of the double doors open.

The sight was quite remarkable. Lying in the middle of the room, and surrounded by a sizable number of empty wine bottles, Luna was asleep but emitting small gurgles of bliss as she nibbled upon the right ear of one Baked Bean. All four dark legs were wrapped around him in a way that reminded the elder sister of a venus flytrap that had snapped, and the expression on Bean’s face matched how any insect thus trapped might look. From what Celestia could see, Bean had pulled himself into the fetal position, and his eyes were wide open in bloodshot horror. To be honest, the stallion did not appear to be really afraid of the nibbling he had been subjected to over the long evening hours, but more how Celestia might react to him being 'shared' in this fashion. The daytime diarch considered his cute expression, trying to hold back her laughter and suspecting that it looked as if she were stifling a sneeze instead.

"Help?" asked Bean with considerable trepidation. “She’s been trying to gobble my backside all night long.”

“She’s working on the wrong end,” Celestia replied with a smirk.

“Please!” he whispered, lowering his voice as Luna's ears twitched in his direction. “I don’t want to be here when she wakes up! After that much wine, she’s going to have a hangover the size of Mount Canter!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that.” Celestia scoffed and waved a dismissive hoof at him. “From the looks of it, she actually restrained herself. However, I do need to raise the sun, so...” 

Celestia pushed the door open, walked across the room, and stopped by the head of her sister. With a sly grin, Celestia then kicked off one of her shoes, stuck the tip of her hoof in her own mouth for a brief moment, and then inserted the dripping appendage into Luna’s exposed ear. 

“CELESTIA!” Luna bolted upright, and her magic hauled Bean into the air between them to prevent any more sneaky sisterly attacks. One hoof rubbed the wet part of her ear, and the younger sister groaned in disgust as she did so. “Thou knowest I hate that!”

“You should get up on time, then. I need you to lower the moon.”

“Why did I come back, again?” Luna grumbled. Bean had not made the most of his brief freedom to dash for the door, which left Luna able to sweep forward and tuck him under one wing. With a yawn, she stumbled onto the balcony that was attached to her room, smacked her lips, and glanced upwards. “Oh, right. That whole endless night, sworn vengeance against my sister, and relief from the crushing loneliness thing.”

The moon was lowered with droopy eyes and another deep yawn, and once it was tucked away, Luna pulled her teddy Bean out from under her wing with her magic and rubbed his nose with her own. “And now, dear husband, we shall continue what we started last night. You will need much practice if you ever hope to please all three of us.”

“What? All three of you?” Bean stammered as the color drained from his coat. “That’s not all at once, right?”

“Tia, the next time I force a husband upon us while in the grip of dark powers, please remind me to pick one with a heartier constitution,” Luna murmured as she stumbled back towards her room. “While this one is fun, he protests too much and has no stamina at all.” 

“Princess Celestia! Help!” Bean begged, although he did not appear to be struggling. 

“Sorry, Mister Bean, you’re on your own for this,” the Princess replied. “You need to work out your relationship with my sister sooner or later. I’ll see you both at lunch.”


 * *  ❤  * * 


“You certainly know how to show a girl a good time, Lieutenant,” Cadence whispered into Shining Armor’s ear with several layers of undertone. “I may just have to cancel my appointments for today and ask for more.”

“Hey, I’m all for the idea,” Shining whispered back as he gently shut the door to her private chambers. “But I think your husband might be a bit upset with us if you do.”

The phrase ‘a bucket of ice water on the mood’ covered what happened quite nicely, and Cadence snorted. “I hate this. I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do, and I have to pretend I’m happy about the situation on top of it.”

“Is there absolutely no way to get out of this thing?” Shining asked. “No loopholes at all?”

“Auntie Celestia says it’s ironclad, but I’m going to see for myself.” Cadence then quickly stepped in front of her loyal guard, and his concerned love reflected back to him in her eyes as they both stopped. “Shiny, even if there really is no way out, you need to know that Baked Bean will never be able to take your place in my heart, not in a thousand years. He might be my husband on a technicality, but you are the one who has my affections. That is something no convoluted law will ever be able to take away from me, or from you.”

“Even if he brings you chocolate-dipped roses?” Shining asked.

“He could bring me every food under the sun and moon, and it will never be enough.” Cadence kissed his cheek, then tickled the hairs of his ear with her whispered words. “My every thought shall be of you and you alone, Lieutenant Armor. You are the only one who could ever satisfy the hunger which burns inside me.”

The passionate kiss she planted on his lips burned away any lingering doubts the young guard might have held, and it took him a moment to remember how to breathe after she finally released him from her thrall. 

“I will see you later, Shiny,” Cadence added with a teasing flick of her tail. The stoic guard did not respond to this, or to her slow wink when she reached the next hallway, but a smile began to appear when he caught the last kiss that she blew him. 

He held that kiss in his hooves for several long moments. He studied it carefully, evaluated it with all of the intensity that his younger sister gave to any of her research projects. He wanted to understand it fully, to know every nuance, every line, every detail that it contained. 

His smile grew as he saw all of Cadence’s love for him contained in that kiss, and he gently pressed it to his own lips with a stuttering gasp of delight. There was no possible way to refute her words to him; and he knew that she would not let him go for all of the treasure in all the world. He was hers, and she was his. No ancient law or Baked Bean would ever be able to change that, not in a hundred thousand years of trying. 

With that happy thought and a fresh surge of determination to show his Cady how much he loved her, he marched himself to the barracks to begin his day.


 * *   🛡   * * 


“Lieutenant Armor.”

“Captain Daisy Chain, ma’am!” Shining’s salute was crisp, swift, and perfectly precise. 

“My office. Now.”

Shining fell in behind his commanding officer, curious and a bit nervous over the sudden summons. He prided himself on being a model soldier, and off the top of his head, he couldn’t think of anything he had done wrong.

Unless she wanted to speak to him about what had happened the previous night. His jaw tightened as he imagined what rebuke she might issue to him because of his threats towards the new prince, or what she might say about him spending the night with Cadence, but he was not going to apologize for either. He had every right to be mad about Baked Bean stealing his mare, and his private life had only enhanced his abilities as a guard. 

His mind buzzed with possibilities but he said nothing as they both strode into the Captain’s office. The medals of honor and commendations that lined the walls had always come across as tacky and ostentatious, but he kept his opinion to himself as he came to attention in front of the Captain’s desk. When the time came for this office to be his own, he would keep the adornments simple and tasteful. A few of his favorite military strategy books, a photo or two of his parents, Twilight, and Cadence, and definitely some new drapes for the windows. That shade of green had no right to exist, let alone to stain a fine fabric like that.

“At ease, Lieutenant,” Captain Daisy Chain offered as she groaned into her chair. “Have a seat.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Shining sat while Daisy pulled a stack of papers from a desk drawer. 

“Lieutenant, I’ll get right to the point. Except for three obvious exceptions, what I am about to tell you does not leave this room, understand?” Daisy said with a hard gaze emphasizing her tone.

“Yes ma’am,” Shining said with a nod.

“Good. After careful consideration, I have decided to resign my commission effective in ninety days.”

“Resign, ma’am?” 

“I’m going to retire, Lieutenant. There’s a beach down in St. Neighvis with my name on it, and I plan on occupying it for a very long time. 

“Naturally, this means that there will be an opening for Captain of the Guard, and I have already submitted your name for the position. Princess Celestia is reviewing your credentials, but you and I both know it’s a foregone conclusion. Congratulations on your promotion, Captain Armor. You’ve earned it.”

The rush of excitement nearly overwhelmed his stoic composure, but Shining managed to maintain a straight face while inwardly cheering. A lifetime of hopes, dreams, and hard work had suddenly come to fruition, and far sooner than he had ever expected. 

“Thank you, ma’am.” Shining replied evenly while inwardly doing a double backflip. “I greatly appreciate this, and I shall attempt to uphold the traditions and honor of the Royal Guard in the same fashion.”

“Stow the praise, Shining,” Daisy said with a grin. “You already got the job.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Now, Princess Celestia is going to announce the change in command next week. For now, carry on as assigned, and once the news is released, you and I will work with the Princesses to ensure a smooth transfer. Any questions?”

Shining Armor nearly said that he had none, but one managed to shout out above his internal party and to stymie his glee. “Captain, why are you retiring now, ma’am? You’ve only been in the position for a year or so.”

“Let’s just say I was given a rather enticing incentive to do so,” Daisy said with a chuckle. “Besides, I’ve given the best years of my life to the Royal Guard. I don’t regret one moment of it, but I would like to have some ‘me’ time. A shakeup at the top would be good for morale, too. I know I haven’t been the easiest commanding officer to get along with. The guards like you, and they’ll follow you to the ends of Equestria and back again.” Daisy’s gaze went distant, and a wistful smile crept onto her face. “Yes, this is for the best. For everypony.”

She then shook herself back into the present with a snort. “You’re to report back here at nineteen hundred hours to meet with Princess Celestia. She’ll discuss her expectations, and you’ll be able to ask her any questions at that time as well.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. You’re dismissed.”

Shining stood, saluted, and moved to leave. 

“Oh, and Lieutenant?” Captain Daisy Chain called out while looking over the first page from her stack. “This should go without saying, but you will be responsible for the new prince, too. It would be a shame if your personal feelings were to somehow interfere with your promotion.”

Shining shook his head. “That won’t be a problem, ma’am. My private feelings will remain as such during his time here.”

“Even though he stole your marefriend?” Daisy asked. “Envy and Vengeance are terrible bedmates, Lieutenant. It’s not very hard to imagine that you would want something… unfortunate to happen to him. It would allow you to reclaim what is rightfully yours, after all.”

Daisy’s eyes flicked up to meet his, and the hard glint that they held knocked him off balance for a moment. “No, ma’am. I can see why that is a concern, but I am a Royal Guard. My allegiance has, and will forevermore, be to the Princesses and the Kingdom of Equestria. If Prince Bean is to remain, then he will receive the same treatment that I would give to Celestia herself.”

“And not just Celestia,” Daisy added. “With Luna’s return, the Kingdom of Equestria is a diarchy once more, and I hope you treat it as such.”

“Of course, ma’am. Princess Luna will be given the same veneration and devotion that Princess Celestia has always enjoyed.” 

“Very well. Just remember that you will be watched closely in your new position, and it will be quite disappointing if you should not live up to your carefully cultivated reputation. That is all.”

Shining saluted again, strode out of the barracks, and pumped a hoof in the air in jubilation. Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guard of Equestria! In one way or another, he had dreamed of becoming the Captain ever since he was a little colt playing pretend with his friends on the kindergarten playground. There was so much to do, and he couldn’t wait to get started. He would be able to going to tell his parents as soon as it was official, with a letter to Twilight via Spike at the same time, and Cadence…

A sour note rang out above the symphony in his soul, but he immediately drowned it out with a blaring blast of joy. Despite her current marital status, she would be overjoyed with this new development, and the two of them were going to celebrate tonight, no matter what. 

“Lieutenant?” Luna’s voice intruded on his celebration. He snapped to attention and saluted, grateful for the years of training that made the action automatic. 

“Yes, Your Highness?” he offered in his most official voice. “How may I help you?”

Luna did not reply. Instead, she began to circle him with a critical and predatory eye, and Shining could hear a little lifeguard in his head, screaming about sharks. Hungry sharks with sharp teeth. 

Once she had completed a full lap around him, she puckered her lips slightly and clicked her tongue. “We see why Princess Cadence was so taken with you. Of a truth, had We not interfered with the natural order of selection, you would have made for a fine mate.”

“Mate, ma’am?” Shining said with a hard swallow.

“Yes, Lieutenant. You know that to marry one alicorn is to marry them all, so your union to Our niece would have been ideal. You appear to be young and strong, of a hearty constitution and healthy vigor. Unlike Our present helpmate, We daresay that you would be able to fulfill the physical needs of all three alicorns with energy to spare, should our present husband falter.”

A jumble of thoughts crashed together in the front of Shining Armor’s mind, although thankfully only one managed to fight loose and lurch for freedom. “Physical needs?”

Shining was cut off by Luna’s dark magic prying his mouth open while she peered inside. “Hm. Straight teeth, but you could stand to floss better. A detail that could have been corrected with some minor persuasions.”

“’err ‘oosians, ’aam?” Shining Armor let his mouth close when Luna released his jaw, although he swore he could still feel a cool breeze circulating into his ears and through his head.

“That reminds me, I need to find my Paddle of Persuasion,” Luna muttered as she leaned to her right and glanced over his left side. “Good body length, with proper musculature and balanced bone structure, too. You appear to be very well endowed, Lieutenant.”

Shining’s short-cropped tail clamped down over his rear the best it could, and he coughed nervously. “Uh, thank you?”

Luna nodded. “Indeed, it is a shame that We have forced your fiance into a loveless marriage. We can only hope that you will forgive Us for our grave transgression, in time, and that we may come to an arrangement more pleasant for all parties involved.”

“Well, to be honest, Cadence wasn’t my fiance. She was just my marefriend.”

Luna retreated a step. “You mean to tell Us that Princess Cadence was not your betrothed?”

“No. Er, not yet, at least.”

“There is something gravely wrong with this modern generation,” Luna muttered in frustration. “Why, praytell, did you hesitate to plight thy troth with Our niece?” 

“I was, um…” he trailed off, his mind unable to come up with a reasonable reason other than troths probably needed a lot of planning before plighting. “I was just waiting for the right time, I guess.”

“The right time.” Luna blinked once, then snorted as her gaze went to her hooves. “Stars above, first Baked Bean tells Us that he wants to move slowly in Our relationship with him, and now We are told that ponies wait for some mythical, favorable ‘time’ to express their desires. This modern world will be the end of Us. Passions should be acted upon with haste, striking while the iron is hot and the blood boiling with desire. Such foundations laid in sweat and lust make firm support for later years when foals begin to intrude on a relationship, and time for love is found only in smaller fractions.”

Shining wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He did know that his heart deeply ached when he saw the frustrated tears in the corners of the Princess’ eyes, but she banished them with a casual flick of her hoof and another snort. 

“Bah. Lieutenant, We have sought you out to discuss a matter of great import. My sister, Princess Celestia, tells Us that We must speak with you regarding the royal guards who will be assigned to protect Us from this point forward.”

Shining stood a bit straighter, and he smiled. He might not be able to help the newly returned Princess with the modern mess that was Equestria, but he knew everything there was to know about guards and guarding, both inside and out. And this was a topic he was more than happy to turn the conversation into. “Of course, Your Highness. I would be pleased to discuss anything you like about your guards.”

“Good. Praytell, who did you have in mind to provide protection to Our royal self?”

“Well, I have a dozen or so ponies that I could name right off,” he replied, and he rubbed his chin in thought. “It would be best to keep a balance of earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns for excursions, but while you are within the palace, we could cut back to just the Household Regiment.”

Luna shook her head. “No, Lieutenant. While We are sure that the current complement of soldiers is competent and beyond reproach, the night has many unique circumstances that cannot be adequately covered by your day guards.”

Shining bristled at her insinuation, and his tail lashed at his haunches. “Princess, I can assure you that the Royal Guard is more than capable of performing their duties, day or night. I trust every last one of them with my life, at any time and in any place.”

“And that is most admirable, Lieutenant,” Luna said flatly, her own annoyance showing in her face. “As We said, We do not doubt the capabilities of your fellows. But for example, do any in your present company possess the capacity to have the night illuminated to their eyes as if it was day?”

“Of course we do. All unicorns are taught a focused illumination spell during their basic training.”

“But without that spell they would be blind, would they not?” she countered. “The spell would also give away their position to any potential enemies, true?”

“Yes, but that’s the idea. No pony in their right mind is going to attempt an attack when they can see how well guarded we are.”

“In Our experience, there are many ponies and other creatures of the night who are not in their right mind,” Luna said. “A show of force should not be your only line of defense, Lieutenant. Unless you have one guard for one square foot of the palace, there will be gaps that can be exploited. Our night has always proven to be the greatest ally to those who wish to have their nefarious deeds concealed by Our darkness.”

“All right,” Shining huffed. “So what do you recommend? Is there some sort of see-in-the-dark spell that I’m not aware of?”

Luna’s grin was positively predatory, and Shining swallowed hard as he realized how the Princess had gotten him to take her bait. “No, Lieutenant. While such a spell does exist, We have an alternative option, one that will not require Our guards to learn such a taxing option.” 


 * *  ✹ * * 


“Ah, Lieutenant,” Celestia cheerfully greeted Shining Armor, and she motioned with one hoof to the interior of Captain Daisy Chain’s office. “Please, come in. I’ve been expecting you.”

“Thank you, Your Highness.” Shining’s thoughts were clipped and filled with confusion at the sight of his Divine Sovereign—well, one of them—in the office he was about to inherit, but he kept his demeanor impassive as he moved in and came to attention. 

“At ease, Shining,” Celestia said as she moved behind the desk and sat down in his future chair, which groaned and creaked, but remained intact. “Please, have a seat. You and I have much to discuss, informally. Would you care for some tea?”

“No, thank you,” Shining replied as Celestia’s magic began to prepare a cup for herself without any apparent effort, not even a passing glance at the dance of saucers, strainer and cups.

“Very well. I have been told that you have met with my sister and discussed her plans to reinstate her night guards. I am of the opinion that the sooner the office is reestablished, the better. Do you have any questions regarding her proposition?”

“With all due respect, Your Highness, your sister is trying to send me on a snipe hunt.”

“Oh?”

“Thestrals!” Shining’s words burst out at the opportunity to be expressed. “Princess Luna wants me to find thestrals for the royal guard!”

“Why is this a problem, Lieutenant?” Celestia asked in a serious tone.

“They don’t exist! They’re just an old myth! I might as well be looking for kirin while I’m at it!” The absurdity of Luna’s request forced him to his hooves, and he began to pace in front of the desk that was soon to be his. “She insists there are some enclaves deep in the Everfree Forest, and wants me to bring them back to serve as her personal night guards.”

“She is right, you know.” Celestia’s magic gently lifted the steaming teapot and filled the empty teacup with her preferred Deerjeeling blend.

Shining wanted to argue the absurdity of such a notion, but the gleam in Celestia’s eye made him pause. “Wait. Are you telling me they’re real?”

Celestia nodded as she slowly poured a few drops of milk into her tea. “They are very real, though their numbers have greatly diminished over the past few centuries. The enclave that Luna has told you about is all that remains of them.”

“Batponies are real.” Shining slumped into the seat he had vacated with a sharp exhale. “Why hasn’t anypony seen or heard from them, except in rumors?”

Celestia swiftly added two lumps of sugar, and a spoon appeared to stir her concoction. “That is a long story, and it would probably be best if Luna explained the particulars. For now, I will say that thestrals were once an honored and dedicated division of our military forces, but they were forced into hiding because of Nightmare Moon. You will find them to be quite capable, with a little training. When are you scheduled to depart?”

“Tomorrow evening. Luna thinks the thestrals may still harbor some memories of Nightmare Moon, so she wants Baked Bean and myself to be the ones to invite them back.”

“Good. Our husband will be able to act in Luna’s name, although you will officially be in charge of the mission. It will be an excellent start to your position, and show all the nattering nitwits at court that their foolish objections are rubbish. You have my full confidence, Captain Shining Armor.” 

Shining inhaled deeply. Celestia’s words had emboldened him, and a smug grin tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Thank you, Princess. I won’t let you down.”

Celestia nodded. “Since you mentioned him, I would like to discuss the details regarding Baked Bean. I would first like to offer my most sincere apologies for this whole dilemma, and I greatly regret the exquisite agony this has put you through. I may not be able to reverse the damage that I have caused, but I will do everything in my power to make what amends I can.”

Shining Armor could feel the weight of sincerity in Celestia’s words, and he shook his head. “No apology is needed, Your Highness. This whole thing is just one big knot of confusion, and I don’t think we can really blame any single pony for what happened.”

“My apology remains all the same, but thank you. I will also do whatever I can to help you and my niece remain together. Your relationship… meets with Our approval, provided Luna and I can find some way to make it legal. Time will tell. I’m afraid this may take quite some time to work out, and I hope you do not become frustrated in the meanwhile.

“Now, about Baked Bean. While I anticipate most of his time will be spent here, there will be times when I will ask him to accompany me on official business. Who would you recommend for his security detail?” 

Shining rubbed his chin in thought. “I can think of a couple of names right off the top of my head. Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf would be excellent choices, if I had to throw two at him right now. I’ll get a list together for you to look over.” 

Celestia nodded. “No need to ask for my approval, Shining. Place them on Baked Bean’s guard detail immediately, and see about filling out the roster when you get back. The Everfree Forest is still a wild and dangerous place, although we don’t want to send too large of a force for fear of it looking like an invasion of the few remaining thestral areas. Two guards will balance out your group just fine.”

“Don’t be concerned, Your Highness,” said Shining Armor. “Your husband will be perfectly safe with us, and I’m confident we’ll be able to talk Princess Luna’s lost ponies into returning. Nothing will go wrong.”
> 5. - Everfree
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shining Armor loved being out in the field.

He did not love it as much as he loved Princess Cadence or his own family, of course, but being out among the citizens of Equestria was a joy and a delight like none other. There was a thrill that came with being able to serve and protect the residents of Canterlot—and all of Celestia’s little ponies, in a broader sense—that had no equivalent in all the world. He lived to see the happy smiles that came when he pulled lost kittens out of trees, or to hear the heartfelt ‘thank you’ when he assisted an elderly pony with their groceries. Their safety and well-being brought peace to his own heart, and until his last breath, he would always give his all for them.

His recent promotion, however, meant that the days of city patrol were now pretty much at an end. Soon, his time would be spent at the palace, taking care of the minutia that was required to keep the Royal Guard running like the well-oiled machine that it was. He would be relegated to meetings and training, and while he would miss being out and about, he knew he could accomplish much good for the whole of Equestria in his new role and responsibilities.

So as Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf banked towards the Everfree Forest, the soon-to-be Captain Shining Armor stood, propped his front legs on the edge of the carriage, and took a long moment to enjoy the rush of the midnight wind through his mane. This was, in all likelihood, the last major field assignment he would be able to lead personally, and he was determined to relish the opportunity, performing his duties to the absolute best of his abilities.

Not that the assignment was particularly hard. All he had to do was waltz into the Everfree Forest, find the last remaining enclave of thestral ponies—even though he still believed them to be nothing more than a fanciful myth—and persuade them to return to Canterlot to take their place as Luna’s personal guard. If these fabled bat ponies did really exist, the greater challenge would be integrating them into the ranks of his guard, and into society in general.

Shining suppressed a smile with the thought of running the mythological race through basic training. When he was done with them, they wouldn’t want to exist.

“Lieutenant, does this carriage have any charms on it to prevent unfortunate falls during midflight?”

Shining drew in a long breath. “Yes, Mister Bean. It does.”

“Oh.” Bean’s reply came with a heavy overtone of disbelief as he continued to clutch onto the seat beneath him with all four limbs. Even his tail was wrapped around a convenient portion of the carriage, and if it were possible, it looked like Bean was considering how to grab onto something with his ears in case of an accident. “Well. I’ll be here. In case you need me. Please don’t need me,” he whimpered.

Captain Armor shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You really should try to enjoy the view. You’re going to be flying a lot in the future, after all.”

“No, thank you. I’m good.”

“Suit yourself,” Shining replied as he mentally reviewed the map of the Everfree Forest once more. He had tried to talk Luna into keeping Mister Bean in the palace, but she was firm and unyielding in stating that only her husband would be able to speak with her authority and her power. While Shining understood the reasons behind that, it still felt like the yellow princess stealer was being forced to come, in a vein that was similar to when his own parents would force him to take his sister when he went out with his friends.⁽*⁾

⁽*⁾If he had to be honest, this was never an imposition, since Twilight would usually ditch him as soon as she could and head to the nearest library, with the understanding that he’d pry her away from the bookshelves when it was time to return home.
—

Shining Armor then snorted. He still had a few minutes before they would arrive at Princess Luna’s marked location, and with little else to do in the meantime, he decided to make some smalltalk. “Mister Bean, where are you from?”

“What?”

“I never asked you where your home is. I’m going to guess Las Pegasus.”

Bean hesitated, then leaned back slightly. “Why do you care?”

“Because I’m responsible for you, and I’m curious. Appleloosa, maybe? Nah; your accent isn’t thick enough.”

“I’m from Salt Lick,” Bean replied with a confused look.

“Ah, that makes sense. I couldn’t quite place your lilt. I’m from Canterlot, myself. My parents own a modest little place up in the palace district so we could be close to Twily while she studied at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Does your family live in Salt Lick?”

Bean’s confusion was palatable, and he glanced around for a brief moment, as if looking for a reason for the questions. “Yeah, most of them are there. My parents own a restaurant in town.”

“Oh, they’re cooks? I could use some tips, if you have any. I always manage to burn toast, somehow.”

“Just turn that knob on the front of the toaster to a lower number, then,” Bean said without thinking, and with a grunt, he sat up a little straighter. “Or turn down the flame on the stovetop. A light coat of butter would help, too.”

“Lieutenant!” Sergeant Leaf called out before Shining could ask any follow-up questions. “We’re coming up on the coordinates now!”

“Take us in, Sergeants!” Shining ordered.

“That was fast,” Bean said as he peered out and down at the rapidly approaching trees, although his tail was still curled around a strut on the carriage’s main seat.

“Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf are the best flyers in the airborne division,” Shining said with pride. “They could have been Wonderbolts, but I managed to talk them out of that horrible idea. The best of the best are always members of the Royal Guard, without exception.”

“Which is why I would never be able to make it past the screening process,” Bean muttered.

“I dunno, you look like you’re pretty stout,” Shining said as the carriage pushed through the canopy of trees and touched down. “A few pushups, couple of runs through the obstacle course, and who knows? Maybe you could have made Corporal one day.”

Bean and Shining dismounted as the sergeants unhitched themselves, and the three guards quickly began to evaluate their surroundings. The location Luna had given them was almost smack-dab in the middle of the Everfree, and Shining quickly reviewed the Official Royal Guard training that he’d been given regarding the oddly-behaved forest.

It had been little more than two words: stay out.

“Cheery little place, isn’t it?” Sergeant Leaf said with a sniff as she pulled a set of spears from the carriage and passed them out to her fellow guards. “I especially like the oppressive ambiance. It’s like the place thinks I’m a grape and it’s trying to squish me.”

“Not my first choice for a summer home,” Sergeant Pokey muttered. “No obvious tracks, sir, so the really fun monsters must be elsewhere at the moment.”

“Then let’s hurry and get this over with. Sooner we fail to locate this enclave, the better,” Shining said as his horn lit with an illumination spell, and he looked over the field of bright blue flowers to their left. “C’mon. Based on what Princess Luna said, their settlement should be somewhere over there, in that overgrown area. And where do you think you’re going?”

Baked Bean stopped and looked over his shoulder. “Away?”

“The batponies aren’t going to be that way,” Shining said as he walked up to the wandering Prince. “Not enough cover. A village would be seen from the air over there.”

“I’m not looking for the batponies,” Bean said.

“Oh? Then what are you doing, exactly?” Shining asked.

“Leaving. This is the part where I exit stage right, never to be seen again. I thank you for not killing me, Lieutenant, but I believe your work is done now. Please, carry on without me.”

“First off, that way is stage left,” Shining retorted. “Secondly, why are you trying to leave?”

Bean hesitated, as if the answer was obvious and he was surprised he had to explain. “Um, because absolutely nopony wants me around? Princess Celestia could care less about me, Princess Luna is only interested in my assets, your marefriend hates my weasley black guts and I’m pretty extra sure you want me gone, too. And let’s not get started with how the rest of Equestria feels about me, shall we?” Bean began looking for any kind of path in the thick forest cover with a snort and a heavy frown. “I didn’t agree to come here to bring the thestrals back, Shining. I came here to take myself out of the picture. With me gone, everything goes back to the way it should be. You get your mare back, and the Princesses can deal with something that’s actually important.”

“Your Highness, this forest is going to eat you alive if you wander off,” Sergeant Pokey called out.

“Good. Then you can bring back the bits that remain as evidence. If it doesn’t eat me, just say I got lost somehow. I don’t think it’ll much matter, in the end.”

Shining quickly trotted up to Bean, and he shook his head as the Sergeants fell in step behind them. “I can’t let you go, Your Highness. I have an obligation to protect you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. I took an oath to protect all ponies when I became a guard, Bean. So did Pokey and Clover. My personal feelings don’t override my duty. If you’re set on getting lost, then we’re going to be lost with you.”

“Then I order you to leave.”

“Nice try. You don’t have enough authority to do that. Only the Princesses can issue that command, and even then, we would respectfully refuse.”

“Look, Shining,” Bean huffed as he stopped and faced the Lieutenant. “Just let me go. There’s no reason to keep me around. All I do is make things worse.”

“Or you could be making everything better and not realizing it.”

“Yeah? How?”

“Princess Luna has just returned from a thousand year banishment, Bean. She’s going to need help adjusting to the modern Equestria, and the nobility are champing at the bit to find ways to influence her to their way of thinking. Do you think that’s best for Equestria?”

“No!” said Bean before he recognized the trap. “I mean…”

“So who better than the most common of commoners, who has actual common sense for a change?”

“Um, anypony else?”

“Luna has you,” stated Shining Armor decisively. “Celestia… well, to be honest, I think she needs a good dose of common sense too. Goodness knows she spends enough time with the high and mighty.

“Also, do you realize that you’re probably the only pony that both Luna and Celestia can really open up to right now? When they talk to anypony else, they have to guard their words carefully, or else risk being eaten alive and having years of work undone. The Princesses can share their deepest thoughts and feelings with you without having to worry about what they say, and that’s something neither of them have been able to do for centuries. Put yourself in Celestia’s golden shoes. Imagine how you would feel if you could never express how you truly felt to anypony.”

Bean’s eyes drifted to his hooves, and it was clear that the reluctant prince had experienced something similar to the diarch’s dilemma. “It would be nice to share how I feel,” he murmured.

“And at the very least, if you turn up missing, Cadence would be the one leading the search parties. She’s the Princess of Love, but that isn’t limited to just romance. She cares for all ponies, like they were her own brothers and sisters. Believe it or not, that does include you.”

“I just want this to go away,” Bean whispered with tears in the corners of his eyes. “I don’t want everyone to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Shining offered, and he put a hoof on Bean’s shoulder. “Much. Well, I did at first. The more I think about it, the better it seems. Within reason, of course. Perhaps we will become friends from all of this, and look back someday to have a good laugh.”

Bean glanced up and sniffled. “Really? You’re not just saying that?”

Shining smiled, and he tossed his head in the direction they were headed anyway. “C’mon, one way is as good as any other in this mess. Let’s go find those thestrals, then we can figure everything else out together. Whaddya say?”

The new Prince hesitated for several long moments before rubbing away the tears in his eyes. “I don’t know how I can help.”

“You can help us look for tracks. Another set of eyes never hurts.”

“I don’t know what to look for.”

Shining gave Bean a playful smack. “I’ll show you. The sergeants and I will make a guard out of you yet.”


 * *   🛡   * * 


Shining Armor grunted as he blasted yet another tree branch out of the way, and he paused for a moment to take inventory of his party. “Anything yet?”

“Nothing but rocks and dirt, sir,” Clover replied. “Tree cover is too thick to go airborne.”

“We’ll stomp around for a little bit more and then call it a night.” The tree cover was so thick that Shining had to put more power into his illumination spell, and he played the beam of light around the base of the trees. “We can pick up the search again at sunup.”

“Didn’t Princess Luna say we’d only be able to find the thestrals at night?” Bean asked.

“She did, but crashing around in the brush like this will only attract something that thinks ponies are a tasty midnight snack. We’ll have better odds of finding something when we can see what we’re doing.”

“If these supposed bat ponies even exist, sir,” Pokey said as he pointed his spear at something in the air. “This place gives me the creeps. I swear we’re being watched.”

“Stand fast, Sergeant,” Shining admonished. “There isn’t anything here we can’t handle.”

The Sergeant didn’t reply, but his glare remained on one tree for several long moments.

“Hey, Lieutenant?” Bean called out. “I think I found some paw prints over here. They’re pretty big ones.”

The three guards trotted over to Bean’s location, and Shining smiled as he glanced over the find. “Manticore tracks. Good work, Your Highness. I told you we’d make you a proper guard.”

“Tracks lead off to the east,” Clover said as she began to follow the subsequent impressions in the dirt. “Fresh, too; no more than an hour or so ago.”

“So, it’s still close?” Bean asked.

“Possibly. Keep sharp, everypony. I don’t want that thing sneaking up on us.”

“Sir?” Clover called out, and she pointed to the ground with the tip of her spear. “Check this out. Our little friend was heading towards the pond there, but he never made it. Something spooked him, and he skittered that way.”

“But what scares a manticore away from water?” Shining said with a grin and a rub of his chin. “We may be onto something here. Fan out, see if you can find—”

Shining was cut off by the rustle of leaves from a nearby bush, but when prodded with a spear, the shrub did not repeat the action.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Pokey muttered. “There’s something here. It’s just toying with us.”

“Stay loose,” Shining ordered with a roll of his shoulders. “Probably just a rabbit, but let’s assume it’s bigger.”

“Sir?” Clover called out with a nod to the ground. “I got a new set of tracks just behind the tree here. Hoofprints.”

“So maybe our mythological friends do exist,” Shining said.

“Uh, Lieutenant?” Bean staggered back a step as he stared at the leafy canopy overhead. “Do you hear that?”

“Is that… giggling?” Clover asked as four sets of ears flicked and twitched to the unnerving sound above them.

“Who’s out there?!” Pokey demanded. “Show yourself!”

The order went unheeded, and the unexpected sound slowly drifted away on the evening breeze. After several long moments, Shining turned his attention to the hoofprint, and with a new surge of magic, his pink aura filled the indent.

Scattered spots of pink then flicked to life across the nearby bushes and on the trunks of the trees, and Shining nodded with a grin. “There you are. You’re good, but not good enough. Pokey, Clover, you watch the rear. Bean, I want you right behind me. It’s time to find our mystery stalker.”


 * *   🛡   * * 


“So, what did Luna tell you about the thestrals?” Shining said in a low voice as the foursome crept forward.

“Not much, actually,” Bean softly replied. “She gave me their location, told me they were probably in hiding due to their association with her fall, and that they should follow my orders, provided I told them I was acting on her behalf.”

“And Celestia?”

“All she knew was that they pay their taxes on time every year. She didn’t say what they pay their taxes with, though. She’s sent search parties after them before, but they always come back empty-hooved. She figured they were so ashamed of their association with Nightmare Moon that they forced themselves into exile and have refused to have contact with the outside world since then. She did tell me to be careful, since they’ve been alone for so long. She was worried that everything that was once known about them is now completely wrong.”

“Well, if they pay their taxes that means they’re still loyal to the Crown, so that works in our favor.” Shining paused, sent a new pulse of tracking magic out, and then began to follow the new markers that illuminated. “Still, she’s right. Since you’re Luna’s Voice, you’re the one who’s going to have to do most of the talking.”

“Luna did tell me what to say to them. If I invoke her titles and her authority over them as citizens of Equestria, she was mostly sure they’d listen.”

“‘Mostly?’” Shining repeated.

“They used to be rather stubborn, I guess. They were loyal, but they had their own way of doing things that tended to bend the rules.”

“Might be why they went into exile, then,” Clover said. “And why Luna likes them so much.”

“Maybe,” Shining said as he stopped. “Wait. Something’s wrong.”

“What is it, sir?”

“This trail just ends here.”

“Why is that so bad?” Bean asked.

“It means they were herding us toward something like a guard, or a booby trap—”

Shining’s illumination spell was snuffed out without any warning, and a round of delighted laughter filled the pitch-black woods.

“—or an ambush,” Shining finished.

A trilling shout rang out, and the Equestrian guards reared up to slash with their spears as the sky above them filled with the furious pounding of leather wings. Shining desperately tried to summon a shield, but the effort failed as soon as he tried, and in a few short moments, he was hog-tied, muzzled, and thrown into a pile with the rest of his party.

“Well, well, well!” A rich, dark, and decidedly feminine voice called out. “What have we here?”

“Trespassers!” another silken-voiced mare called out. “Spies! Ooo, I love it when we catch spies! I call dibs on the yellow one!”

“No way!” A third mare called out. “We haven’t had a proper stallion here in years! That’s not fair!”

“Manners, ladies,” the first voice chided, and Shining’s head was lifted up against his will. “We wouldn’t want to be rude to our guests, now would we?”

It took a minute for the loyal royal guard to make out any details in the darkness. A pair of bright gold eyes twinkled with unbounded glee while a fang-filled smile crept closer, split, and allowed a long velvet tongue to lick a pair of glossy black lips.

Thestral. He had been ambushed and captured by a female thestral.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Shining apologized to Cadence for the thoughts that were tumbling through his head.

Several torches surged to life, and Shining’s eyes darted back and forth to see how bad the situation really was. The small clearing they had entered held perhaps fifteen batponies, all dressed in purple-black armor and wielding ebon-shafted spears of their own.

It was like the illustrations in his childhood mythology books had come to life. Dozens of golden eyes glittered in the night like Luna’s stars, and each pair seemed to be overflowing with glee and desire. Large draconic bat wings flittered and stretched upwards in eager anticipation, as if they would launch into flight at any moment.

The only thing those old books had been wrong about was the ears. In the illustrations, thestral ears were twice as large as a pony’s, but from his position, he could see that they were the same size as any other pony’s, but with an added inch or two for the tuft of hair at the tips.

“Congratulations, Lieutenant,” the mare cooed in a deep contralto voice. “You’ve found the thestral encampment. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to tell the tale of your find, but I think we can make your stay here rather comfortable.”

Shining Armor gave her the most furious glare he possibly could. He was down, but he was far from out. He refused to be beaten by this silken temptress.

“Ooo, this one has some fire to him. How delightful.” The apparent thestral leader released his cheeks, and her gaze slowly dropped towards Bean. “However, one of these ponies is not like the others. Why would a squadron of guards be out here with this nopony? Did that meddlesome zebra send you?” she asked while she freed his muzzle.

“We were sent here by Her Most Royal Majesty, The Imperial Empress Selena Luna mond Gealach, Queen of the Night, Princess of Equestria, Mistress of the Moon, Defender of Dreams, and Baroness of the West Tartarean Estates,” Bean said as quickly as he could.

The reaction to that string of titles was not exactly what Shining Armor would have liked. The lead batpony blinked, glanced to a mare on her left, and shrugged.

“I suppose that’s supposed to cow us into obedience? You’ll have to come up with something a lot better than that.”

“But Princess Luna—”

“Enough!” The batpony leader was quick to bind Bean’s mouth, and with a snort, she nodded to another mare in the clearing. “Ladies, let’s show our guests to their accommodations. We’ll let the Warleader decide who gets dibs.”

“Aw! No fair!”


 * *   🛡   * * 


Shining Armor hated being out in the field now.

“I really want to say this is all your fault,” he grumbled from where he dangled upside-down from the tree that was their makeshift prison. “But I suppose I’m responsible too, in a way. I just wish I knew how they snuck up on us.”

“I told you I make everything worse,” Baked Bean said, tied up and dangling right beside him. Clover Leaf made no response, since the eager batponies had trussed her up into a cocoon of vines until only her tail was visible. Hokey Pokey had been dragged off for what the thestrals had called ‘samples,’ so he was unable to contribute to the conversation, either.

“Nah. To be fair, this is their turf, and that always puts you at a disadvantage. Besides, we both thought they’d be a bit more friendly and little less tie-them-upside-downy. If I had known they’d be this hostile, I would have brought more guards.”

“What do you think that one mare meant by calling dibs?” Bean asked in a soft whisper.

“Easy. How many stallion thestrals did you see in that clearing?”

“Well, none. They were all…” Bean trailed off, and Shining could almost hear the color draining from his coat. “Oh, horseapples.”

“Eeyup,” Shining deadpanned as he tried to twist around and get a better bearing on his situation. “We found a wild pack of Amareazons.”

“But, but… but I’m already married. That means they’ll leave me alone, right?”

“Depends on how desperate they are. Usually married males are off limits, if the old legends have any truth in them. Usually.”

That statement seemed to cheer the Prince, if his sigh of relief was any indication. “I hope so. Y’know, it’s kinda funny. If I hadn’t been vigorously proposed to by Nightmare Moon, you’d be the safe one, married to three alicorn princesses. I can’t believe Luna was seriously talking about having me in bed with all three of them,” he added in a distracted tone of voice while swaying in the ropes. “One is difficult enough. She does this thing with her horn—”  He broke off with a shudder and faint “eep!”

“Alicorns,” said Shining with a sigh. “I wonder if that’s the same thing Cady does, where she turns her head to one side and… no, focus,” he added. “Can you see what they put on my horn so I can’t do magic?”

“Good point,” said Bean, twisting around so he could get a better look. “Seems like some sort of fruit sap, I think. Probably frutious babathanchi, if I had to guess. It’s delicious, but you can’t serve it to unicorns because it makes their tongues numb.”

“Great,” said Shining in a monotone. “And we don’t have any way to remove it.”

“If you twist this way, and I bend a little, I bet I could lick it off,” suggested Bean.

Shining shuddered. “As I said, we don’t have any way to remove it.”

“Let me just brace myself against this tree branch,” continued Bean. “And you put your head… no, over here!”

“I’d rather die!” said Shining while continuing to struggle.

“They’re not going to kill us,” said Bean. “They’ll just tie us up in various bedrooms and have their feminine ways with us until the whole village is full of little Hokeys, Beans and Shinings. I’ll bet Cadence would love to play with the foals.”

Shining Armor did not say anything, but did lean slightly in Bean’s direction. Then, after considerable convoluted twisting on Bean’s behalf bore fruit, so to say, he muttered under his breath, “Not one word when we get back. Not. One.”


 * *  📖  * * 


“Pokey!” Shining called out as the Sergeant was dropped at the base of the tree that Bean and the Lieutenant were still trying to escape from. “You all right, Pokey? What did they do to you?”

“I’m fine, sir,” Pokey replied in a dreamy tone while the two thestral mares snickered and walked away. “Er, at least I’m as well as can be expected. They, um… can we talk about this some other time?” he asked, holding his tail tight against his rear. “Like never?”

“That’s it. Let’s get out of here before they decide they want more samples.” Shining’s horn flared to life, and with a flash, his teleportation spell deposited the three dangling ponies safely on the ground. Clover ruffled her wings with a deep inhalation to celebrate her freedom as Shining continued with “If the Princess wants the thestrals, she can come get them herself. This isn’t worth the risk. Where did they all go?”

“They’re just over there, sir,” Pokey replied with a jab of his hoof to his left. “I think they’re trying to figure out who gets the first turn.”

“Wait,” Bean cut in. “We have to stay here.”

“What?” Hokey Pokey stared at Bean wide-eyed.  “Are you nuts?”

“We’re here to convince the thestrals to return to Canterlot with us,” said Bean.

“And we’re doing such a wonderful job so far,” snarked Shining Armor.

Ignoring Shining, Bean pressed onward.  “I think I’ve figured out a way, but you’ll have to trust me.”

“What is it?” asked Clover.

“Well…” Bean cringed. “I don’t want to say it out loud.” He pointed out into the dark forest.  “They’ll hear.”

“Aw, trying to leave so soon?” Laughing golden eyes in the darkness made it abundantly clear who Bean was referring to. “I don’t know why you’d want to, though.”

Shining’s horn flared to life, and a large pink bubble shield instantly surrounded the entourage from Canterlot. “Look, Bean. I’m not one to defy orders, but we’re outnumbered here. A tactical retreat is our best option. If we stay, they’ll just tie us up again and have their way with us.”

“That’s not all bad,” Pokey added, but with a wince when his superior gave him a death glare. “Sir.”

“I know, I know.” Bean doggedly pushed forward. “But I really think I know how to get this to work.”

Shining opened his mouth to override his Prince, but the words stalled in his throat. Baked Bean looked almost desperate to have a chance, and it reminded the Lieutenant of all the times he’d begged favors out of his parents, friends, and superiors in the guard. Besides, Bean was technically a superior officer, and Shining Armor did not want to explain their failure to Luna.

“Fine,” he finally said. “You get one shot at this. If they try to pull any sort of stunt, I’m going to teleport my guards out of here and leave you to deal with the aftermath.”

“That’s what I wanted to do when we got here,” Bean insisted.

Shining snorted, and his shield dropped. Bean then stepped up to the row of dark spears that were lined up before him, and he took a deep breath before he spoke.

“My friends and I wish to meet with your Warleader, but not as your prisoners. If you will allow us to speak to her, I promise that we will not attack or harm you in any way.”

“You think you’re in a position to make demands?” The lead guard laughed with the others. “Such a strange male. You’re just lucky she sent for you. I’ll humor you for now, but that fancy shield of yours isn’t going to protect any of you if you try anything funny.”

“I’ll behave if you do,” Shining said smugly. “No ropes, no spears, no shield. Deal?”

“Whatever. Let’s go,” the guard said with a slow lick of her lips. “I’m Velvet Darkness, by the way, but you can call me Velvet. Over there is Blackjack, that’s Midnight Surprise, and behind you is Buttercup.”

“I still have dibs on the yellow one,” Buttercup purred with a seductive grin of anticipation.

Nothing more was said during the short march to a nearby clearing, which was not much more than a small meadow. Torches lined the outer perimeter, their light teasing and twisting the midnight air into mocking makeshift pillars for a pitch black wall. Baked Bean’s nose filled with the scents of honeysuckle, lavender, and something else he was unfamiliar with—no. It took a moment, but Bean realized that the strange scent was not any sort of wildflower.

It was the smell of pheromones. Female pheromones.

Bean quickly blocked the ideas that came cascading up from his wild imagination, but the effort did nothing to calm his nerves. In the center of the clearing stood an older-looking and absolutely gigantic mare, easily the same height as Princess Luna and twice as thick but without an ounce of fat to be found on her frame. She was surrounded by the remaining thestral mares, who formed a loose half-circle around them with an amused look of detached enjoyment. The muscles that were visible under their armor twitched in anticipation, like a panther’s slow movements just before they launched themselves at their prey, and for a moment, Bean wondered if they would say he tasted like his namesake or more like a turnip.

“Welcome, distinguished guests,” the hulking mare said with a dip of her head. “Please, forgive my daughter’s eagerness. It’s been so long since we’ve had visitors, and they’ve forgotten that they tend to play rough.”

“I was nice,” Velvet said. “Mostly.”

From the corner of his eye, Bean watched Pokey blush like a furnace and tuck his tail closer to his rear.

“As you may have figured out, I am Anstasi Pansy Von Wünschenswert, Oberjahrl and Warleader of this humble thestral tribe. I must confess, I was surprised that you found our home so easily.”

Bean took a sideways look at Velvet with almost a sense of giddiness at this much stress. After all, he thought the most terrifying thing he’d have to face as Luna’s Love Toy was being shown off to a few wrinkled royalty. At least that was what he intended on blaming for his levity when he quipped, “We were attracted by the wild beauty of your forest, Warleader.”

A brief giggle swept through the watching thestrals, although Velvet merely lowered her ears and glared at him.

“Ah, I see,” said Pansy. “I was told you were sent by another. Have you come on the behalf of the Empress?”

“Since when is Princess Luna an Empress?” Clover muttered under her breath.

“We were sent by Her Most Royal Majesty, The Imperial—” Bean started, but he was cut off by Pansy’s upraised hoof.

“Please don’t throw titles around like that. It’s rude. You can simply say ‘yes.’”

“Then, yes?” Bean said hesitantly.

“So the Mare in the Moon is no more, then?” Pansy asked with a bemused smile. “How can we know you speak the truth?”

It was a good point. Bean mentally knocked himself on the top of the head for not bringing a current newspaper, or perhaps a photograph.

Or a husband?

“She swore the Oath Tripartite to me,” said Bean while trying to control how much he was trembling inside. “By hoof and horn and wing, she made me her own, and as her husband, I swear the same to you. Nightmare Moon is no more. Princess Luna stands ready to accept you back into her service, should you care to abide by your own ancient vows.”

He stopped at that point, because he had run out of words, although he did have to confess that part of it was also due to the growing vulpine smile on Warleader Pansy.

“The Oath Tripartite,” she mused. “Well. This gift of three prime stallions is quite generous of her, isn’t it girls? I do believe we will need to thank the Princess after we have the chance to replenish our ranks. You see, we lack males to help propagate the species, so I think I’ll choose… you,” she added, pointing to Bean.

“Nope!” declared Baked Bean, putting his legs into reverse and backing right into a tree. “No way, no how, no!” he continued while scrabbling up the trunk until only a few bits of bark raining down were the only evidence of his existence.

“He knows we can fly, right?” asked Velvet, who was trying her best not to laugh and failing terribly.

“I didn’t know he could climb a tree backwards,” murmured Shining before raising his voice. “Actually, Warleader. Prince Bean said he had an idea to help resolve our situation, and I really would like to hear it.” He squinted up into the darkness where a few bits of tree bark were still falling, indicating Bean was still gaining altitude. “Provided we can talk our fearless leader down....”

There was a pause, a reduction in the amount of falling bark, and then a long, quiet moment before Bean’s voice rang out from somewhere up above.

“A duel!” he announced. “I propose we settle this like civilized beings and decide this with a duel.”

“What?” yelped Shining, taking a quick glance at all the grinning batpony mares surrounding them.

Velvet Darkness took to the air with a cackle and rose up into the darkness until she was lost from sight. “You’re on. Your choice of weapons. We have swords, daggers, spears…”

“Cooking,” Bean said. There was a scattering of bark bits floating down, a pause, then Bean added in a much fainter voice, “Can you carry me down out of the tree first? We’re a long way up.”


 ~ * ~ 


Baked Bean did look a lot better with all four hooves on the ground. Shining had offered to catch him if Bean jumped, but in the end, Velvet had glided down out of the darkness with a Bean clutched quite firmly to one leg. And it had only taken ten or fifteen minutes to get him pried loose.⁽*⁾

⁽*⁾To be honest, Velvet had not been very helpful in that regard.
—

With a deep breath, Bean mustered up every last ounce of confidence he had, faced the mountain of a Warleader, and proceeded. “I propose a cooking duel. I will challenge any mare you put forth, with one assistant for each of us. Whoever pleases more of your tribe with their skills shall be the victor. If I win, you come back to Canterlot and serve Princess Luna. If you win…” his confidence ebbed as Velvet smiled a sharp-toothed grin.

“You stay here, with us. Agreed!”

Hokey grabbed his sovereign and pulled him aside. “Your Highness, forgive me for saying this, but are you out of your mind? How are we supposed to beat them at cooking?!”

“Did you hear me when I said my parents owned a restaurant in Salt Lick?” Bean whispered, and Hokey nodded. “Okay, I wasn’t sure if you did. I’m a chef too, Sergeant. They taught me everything they know.”

“Was your restaurant any good?” Clover asked.

“Best in the city. We packed the house every night. I’m pretty sure I can beat these mares, but I’ll need your help, Shining.”

Shining glanced up at the cheshire grin of Velvet Midnight, inhaled deeply, and grunted. “Fine, but we better get some ground rules laid down here. These thestrals are going to do whatever they can to keep us here.”

“Hey, we’ll fight fair,” Velvet called out. “But we’re going to smoke you, too!”

“C’mon,” Shining muttered. “Let’s get this over with.”


 * *  📖  * * 


“BEAN!” Princess Luna proclaimed, and with a pounce, she tackled her husband and wrapped him up in a large, feathery hug. “Thou has returned to Us, unharmed and whole! We did greatly fret while thou wert away.”

Baked Bean tried to say something in reply, but the furious repetition of her alicorn-powered kisses prevented him from speaking. The guard detail in the throne room cleared their throats and respectfully averted their eyes from the Royal Snogging, but one guard did grumble as he passed a small bag of bits to another.

“Don’t even say anything. I thought for sure the prince would run for it.”

“Would you run away from kisses like that?” the other guard snarked.

“I’m glad to be back, too,” gasped Baked Bean once he surfaced for air from Luna’s kisses.  “We got your guards like you wanted—”

“Speaking of wants,” growled Luna deep in her throat.

“And a little something extra,” he managed as fast as he could get the words out.  “A concubine.”

Luna blinked, and seemed to look at her nose, which was an extraordinarily cute expression, although Bean was not about to admit it. “Praytell, what did you say?”

“Well, concubines, since I ended up with three of them. I defeated their commanding officer in a duel,” started Baked Bean, “and therefore under the laws of their tribe, I’m… um… Shining Armor has some, too,” he added weakly.

“How did this happen?” Luna asked, but then she held up a hoof. “Wait. Do not speak of this until we have summoned my sister and Cadence. As your wives, we deserve to hear of this together.”


 * * ✹ ☽   ❤  * * 

> 6. - Duel
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


 * *  ✹ * * 


It was too early in the morning for Princess Celestia to be dealing with this.

That statement in and of itself had been an impossibility for the last thousand years, given the fact that the princess defined when ‘early’ was each and every morning. But with Luna’s return, there was now another pony who could be earlier than even Celestia, in a relative way.

It was a fact that the daytime diarch was going to have to adjust to. She groaned and muttered as she pulled her blankets up and over her head, desperate to block out the indeterminate noise that had interrupted her sleep. In the back of her mind, there was a building curiosity as to why her ears were under assault, but that urge was quickly besieged by the rest of her tired self, and the fighting was fierce.

Curiosity won when a loud thunk echoed in her room, and her eyes slowly slid open in disappointment as a pony hissed and sputtered in pain. If this was how her sister was going to wake her every morning, she was going to—

Celestia blinked once in an effort to clear the sleep from her eyes, and she hoped the action would correct what she was seeing. When that failed, she slowly sat up and stared at the singularity that was at the foot of her bed.

Or duality, to be accurate. There was not one, but two batponies standing before the Throne of Slumber. The one on the left had frozen up in fear, her eyes wide and her ears splayed, but the other one was weaving together a tapestry of whispered profanities that threatened to set the tips of Celestia’s ears ablaze.

It would take moons to clear the air in her room of such foul language.

“Velvet!” the one on the left hissed. “Shut up!”

“..and I’m gonna hurl this—oh.” The one named Velvet froze after the sharp stab in the ribs from her companion. “Um, good morning, Your Highness?”

Celestia blinked again.

“Sorry for the language, Your Highness. Buttercup and I were just trying to figure out where your husband was. The day guards said he would probably be in your room, but we were hoping he wouldn’t be in bed with you.”

Celestia smacked her lips.

“We both really like how you’ve decorated the room,” Velvet continued, clearly unnerved by the lack of response and eager to fill the void with words, even if they were of the rambling sort. “I’ve never seen real damask drapes before, and your study nook over there is very cozy. If it’s fine with you, we can push those purple couches together for a bed when it’s your turn with Baked Bean. Of course, we won’t touch any of the books, but could we maybe have a bottom shelf? It’d give us somewhere to store our personal things. Oh, and that fireplace looks really cozy. Is there any chance we can maybe push the couches a bit closer? We thestrals always love a good fire.”

Without a word, Princess Celestia carefully untucked herself from her bed, placed the bedding back into its proper position, and proceeded to walk out into the hallway.

It was too early for her to be dealing with this.

Thankfully, she did not have to search very far for the source of the intruders. Her recently returned sister was, at that moment, walking down the hallway with a grim, determined expression, with Baked Bean and Shining Armor trailing in her wake.

“Cadence is going to kill me,” Bean muttered. “And then Celestia will bury me alive and dance on my grave.”

“I am sure my sister will be understanding of the situation,” Luna replied. “And I did promise to keep you from any fatal harm. You will be safe enough, husband.”

“Shiny?” Cadence called out in a soft and seductive voice from somewhere unseen. “Why are there a half dozen batponies in lingerie in your room?”

“Your Highnesses, it’s been an honor serving both of you,” Shining said with a wince. “Would you mind sending my remains to my parents after this is all over with? If there are remains to be had, that is.”

Celestia figured this moment was just as good as any other, and she cleared her throat. “Mister Bean?” she asked, her aura of perfect tranquility as steady as ever. “Why are there a pair of batponies in my bedroom? And what are they dressed in?”


 * *   🛡   * * 


“First, I want to state for the record that I am not responsible for this,” Shining Armor said with as much seriousness as he was able in the present circumstances.  “I was following orders, nothing more.”

Cadence said nothing. Her impassive expression was doing all the communicating for her.

Shining Armor paused to throw back the rest of the coffee in his cup. It was a strong brew, but not quite strong enough to completely banish the fatigue he felt deep in his joints and horn. “I tried to leave before we met them, I really did. I told Baked Bean that we were outnumbered, but he insisted. There wasn’t anything I could do about it.”

“Of course. We’re not assigning blame,” Celestia said. “We gave you a task, after all. We simply wish to know what happened, and why.”

The ragged lieutenant gazed into the bottom of his empty cup, and his rump wiggled slightly as he adjusted his position on the velvet pillow beneath him. Shining had never been privileged to enter Celestia’s drawing room, and he had to admit that, for an impromptu interrogation chamber, it was far too luxurious and soft for his military training. The soft sunlight from the freshly raised sun passing through the floor-to-ceiling window seemed to add a soft, comfortable warmth to everything from the soft-looking personal books and soft mementos to his own not-so-soft coat, and if not for the current situation, there would have been a good chance that he would simply fall asleep on the soft, overstuffed cushions he rested upon, caffeinated beverages or not.

But no matter how plush the pillows were, this was still effectively a court-martial. Shining Armor drew in a long, deep breath while trying to sort out how this latest development would affect his career, but he smiled when Cadence’s wing reached out and pulled him into a soft and loving hug.

No matter how this turned out, she would still be his. Her soft kiss provided all the strength he could ever need to endure, and then some. Oh, she was still angry. Odds were, alicorn grudges were likewise immortal. It was just filtered, smothered, covered, and overwhelmed by her love, perhaps even adding some invigorating spice to their relationship soup.

I’ve been hanging around Baked Bean too long.

He was grateful for the support. While he had his Cady by his side, Baked Bean had been roughly stuffed into the farthest corner of the room, and had been left there while Celestia had called for some light refreshments and some of her private Brassage Noir et Riche to be brewed for their ‘little chat.’ He had said nothing and moved even less while they waited, and even now, he simply stared out the window as Celestia’s magic picked up the percolator and provided Shining Armor with more of the robust liquid.

Shining could only imagine what was going through Baked Bean’s head at that moment, but he was sure it wasn’t anything pleasant. He made a mental note to assign a few more guards to the new prince, and one under the window just to be safe, and then he took a long draft from his refill.

“Are you sure you do not want anything, husband?” Luna held up a plate of croissants and jam. “You would feel much better if you ate something.”

“No, thank you,” he whispered. “I’m fine. Anything I eat right now would just come right back up.”

“Very well.” Luna pulled the plate back before selecting a croissant for herself. “Now, it is obvious that you managed to locate the thestral enclave, so let us put that part of the story aside for now and move to the more pressing issue. I did not ask you to take on concubines, and dealing with this complication will be rather difficult. How did this happen?”

“I had to,” he said in a voice that Shining had to strain to hear. “It was the only way they’d come back. I just wanted to do something right for once.”


 * *  📖  * * 


Earlier that day…

“I can’t believe you talked me into this,” Shining grumbled behind Bean, his magic blasting an errant tree branch out of his way. “How are we supposed to find anything edible in this Celestia-forsaken forest?”

Baked Bean paused by a tree that had just been trimmed, and he closed his eyes. He had thought that his idea was idiot-proof, but he hadn’t realized that since it was, the only idiot in the forest—namely, himself—would be defeated by it right from the start.

The thestrals were supposed to have food. They had to eat, obviously, and they had to know about stockpiling harvests.

But somehow, the rules of the contest stipulated that each team had to find their own ingredients, so here they were, stomping through a pitch-black and unfriendly forest yet again, trying to find something edible to cook for the challenge. He should have realized that the batponies were going to use any loopholes they could, and they probably had already whipped up a five course meal for their warleader to enjoy while they waited for Bean to fail.

But if the thestrals lived out here, then there had to be something. For once in his life, Baked Bean was going to do something right, and he snorted to help steel his resolve.

“Nose, don’t fail me now,” he muttered.

“So, any ideas on where to begin looking?” Shining asked. “Because there’s nothing here, unless you can do something with leaves and twigs.”

Bean paused for a moment and thought about the offer. “What kind of leaves?”

“Oh, sweet Cadence, you’re really trying to figure out how to make a meal out of that, aren’t you?” Shining groaned before offering a glare to the giggling batpony guard who had self-appointed herself to watch over them.

“Sure he is!” Velvet Midnight chortled. “I hear oak leaves and poison joke are all the rage in haute cuisine nowadays. I know where some gluemoss is too, if you need a garnish for the plate.”

Bean didn’t reply to the snarky batpony. He stood completely still, his nose upturned, and for several long moments, he allowed the scents of the forest to wash over him like the water of a perfectly heated bath.

“What are you doing,” Shining asked flatly.

“Smelling.”

“Smelling,” Shining repeated. “Great. My life depends on your nose. We’re doomed.”

Bean blocked out Shining’s words of discouragement and continued to sniff. There were some wild onions nearby, and a few berry bushes, but not much else. If he could find a patch of wild peas, somehow, and maybe some basil leaves, there was a chance that—

His thoughts ground to a halt when a new aroma tickled the tip of his nose. It was distant, and it wasn’t anything he was familiar with, but it was unmistakable.

Somepony was cooking.

Bean took a few steps in the direction of the scent, and a thrill of delight ran up his spine. This smell was coming from the opposite direction of the thestral’s camp, and even his simple mind realized that this meant there was a fresh source of food. The challenge to bring back the batponies had just become a battle, and a winnable battle at that.

But Velvet Midnight probably knew who the mysterious chef was, and it wasn’t hard for Bean to convince himself that she would try to stop them. He needed a distraction, something that would take her attention away from where he wanted to go.

Bean fought back a small grin. The best way to distract somepony was to get them talking, and he had ways of making her talk.

“How long have you thestrals been in hiding, Velvet?” Bean asked their hovering guard before taking another long sniff of the air and slowly moving towards his salvation.

“Ever since Nightmare Moon’s banishment,” Velvet replied. “We move the location of our village from time to time, just to throw off the searchers that Princess Celestia sends out. You four found us because we let you.”

“Why are you trying to hide?”

“Take a good, long look at me, Your Highness,” Velvet said with a flat glare. “Then, I want you to tell me, in all honesty, what the ponies of Equestria would do if they saw me.”

“Well, they’d probably think that… oh.”

“Bingo. Nightmare Moon’s evil minions, twisted and corrupted to serve her and bring about her everlasting night. We hide because we wouldn’t be accepted among your kind.”

“But you’re ponies too,” Bean said. “There aren’t ‘kinds.’”

Velvet gave Bean a sour frown. “Really?”

Bean’s gaze went to the dirt. “Well, there shouldn’t be.”

“A beautiful sentiment, but I doubt it’ll ever happen. Besides, there is some truth in it.”

Bean carefully stepped over a fallen log, then paused as Shining did the same. “How so?”

“A thousand years ago, the thestrals were Luna’s black ops army,” Velvet said with a small smile. “Silent but deadly. By the time you heard us, you were already dead. We were the ones who fought back all of the monsters that go bump in the night, and we were good at it, too. Still are, in fact. You have no idea what we keep bottled up in these woods.”

“I’m sure I don’t.”

“Problem is, when my ancestors enlisted to serve the Princess, they promised that we would serve her for always and eternity. ‘Until there shall no longer be found a thestral in the world,’ if you want to be official about it.”

“The Oath Tripartite?”

“Same as you, Lovercolt,” Velvet confirmed. “You already know how binding and completely unbreakable that oath is. And to put the cherry on top, that also meant that we were still her slaves when she decided to pull her Nightmare stunt. If she had won, we would have been the ones to enforce her darkness.”

“But Celestia defeated her,” Bean noted.

“Yes, but the damage was done. After that little fiasco, nopony trusted the thestrals anymore; there was no way to convince them that we hadn’t been corrupted, too. So, the ancient Warlords agreed to move to and keep watch over the Everfree until Princess Luna returned.”

“So you knew she was going to come back?” Shining asked while he and Bean pushed another branch out of their way.

Velvet’s gaze went distant, and her voice became soft. “Those who keep the night do tend to understand it best. The only problem is, we didn’t know if she would return as Luna or as Nightmare Moon. Since she’s back to her old self, that means us thestrals have a thousand years of catching up to do.”

“Catching up?” Bean repeated in confusion.

“Thestrals come in one flavor, Highness: female. There never has been and never will be a boy batpony.”

“So, you need us to…” Bean trailed off as the truth hit him like a ton of bricks.

“Gotta propagate the species somehow,” Velvet said with a wink. “You’d be surprised how many explorers and researchers have come stomping through here, trying to find evidence that we exist. Most of them stayed, since they were pretty well mocked and humiliated for believing in us in the first place, but one or two would go back and try to convince others that they had sired some foals. It never worked.

“It was never a free-for-all, though. The Warlords have always kept strict control over how many foals were born in any year, so when Nightmare Moon returned, we would be too few in number to be of any meaningful use. But since we don’t have to worry about that now, we can finally start rebuilding our numbers.” Velvet licked her lips and purred. “Sure, it’s going to take a few years, but I doubt any of the thestrals will mind that.”

“And if we refuse to help you?” Shining challenged.

“You’re welcome to try,” Velvet replied, her grin becoming lecherous. “But no stallion has ever been able to refuse us before.”

“What if we win this cooking contest?” Bean asked from behind Shining Armor. “What happens then?”

Velvet shrugged. “We’ll return to Canterlot, as promised. But you’re not going to win. You’re up against Midnight Surprise, and we’ve never had a better chef. Ever.”


 * *  📖  * * 


“Bean, I really, really hope that you have something amazing planned for this bake-off,” Shining muttered. “I’m not looking forward to being a foal factory for a bunch of sex-starved Amareazonians.”

“Aw, c’mon,” Velvet smirked. “How do you know you won’t like it? We’ve never had any complaints before about… wait!”

Bean and Shining were forced to stop as Velvet slammed into the ground in front of them, flared her wings out, and brandished her spear. “Not another step! You can’t go this way!”

“Why not?” Shining asked.

“They fear if you continue this way, then another creature will enter your fray.”

Velvet Midnight whirled and hissed at the intruder. “Stay out of this, Zebra! This does not concern you!”

Baked Bean retreated a step when the mysterious speaker stepped out of the shadows, but his curiosity soared as high as the moon above him. He had heard of zebras before, but the stories always portrayed them as a fiercely independent tribe that lived far beyond the Great Celestial Sea, a group who wanted no contact with the outside world in any way.

So to see one now, here in Equestria, was bit like… well, like finding a thestral. The striped intruder was clad in golden necklaces and earrings, smelled like witch hazel, and was grinning with mischievous glee. Her piercing blue eyes were locked with Velvet’s furious glare, but it was clear that the thestral wouldn’t be able to win this showdown.

Baked Bean liked the zebra immediately.

“If this truly does not concern me,” the zebra said, her contralto words tinged in amusement, “then why have you come here to my tree?”

“A simple navigational error,” Velvet retorted with a sneer aimed at the stallions. “And it’s one that I’m not going to let you two make again. Ever.”

“No, I meant to come here,” Baked Bean said with a smug grin. “Forgive our intrusion at this late hour, ma’am, but I could use your help, if you don’t mind.”

“Don’t you talk to her!” Velvet forced Bean and Shining back with a few unfriendly swipes with her spear. “That zebra is nothing but trouble!”

“Velvet Midnight, I am surprised. Why do you try to hold up this guise?” the zebra asked. “Come, let us make amends. My home is open to all, noble friends.”

“I take it you two have a history?” Shining said, his glee at Velvet’s discomfort obvious.

“That’s putting it mildly,” Velvet muttered. “Zecora has been a pain in our flanks ever since she showed up.”

“Oh really?” Shining said with a snort of amusement. “What, the forest isn’t big enough for the two of you?”

“It would be if she’d just stay in her part of it. C’mon, move it. We’re leaving.”

“No we’re not,” Shining retorted, his hoof flashing forward and swatting the spear away. “You said we had to find our own ingredients for the duel, and Bean did. You never put any restrictions on where to get those ingredients from.”

“You’re not getting them from here, I can assure you of that. That zebra will probably put some kind of evil spell on the food or something.”

“Too late,” Shining said with a nod to something behind Velvet.

Velvet glanced over her shoulder, then shrieked. Somehow, Baked Bean had snuck away from her, and he was prancing on tip hoof as he talked with Zecora. “No! Not good! Baked Bean, you get back here!”

“You know, I’ve never met a zebra before,” Bean said, oblivious to the sputtering protests of Velvet. “How long have you lived here?”

“I have not lived long in the Everfree, but I have found it to be quite cozy,” Zecora replied with a pleased grin. “But tell me, my friendly visitor, why is Velvet holding you prisoner?”

“That’s a horrifying story, in a funny sort of way.” Bean began to walk with Zecora as he continued his story. “See, the Lieutenant and I were sent out here by my wife—well, wives, actually, and…”

“Oh, great,” Velvet muttered. “I’m never going to hear the end of it now.”


 * *  📖  * * 


“So, if you don’t mind, I would really, really appreciate it if I could borrow a few ingredients from you,” Bean said. “I’ll pay you back for it, and give you whatever else you want, too. Just name your price, and I’ll figure out a way to pay.”

Zecora chuckled a bit and shook her head. “While you are kind and very polite, my current life is what feels right. Generous though you try to be, such things would be wasted on me. Everything I need is here in my tree, so I will assist you without charging a fee.”

“Thank you!” Bean blurted with a gasp of relief. “Oh, I feel so much better now. You have no idea what this means to me.”

“I always delight to help another,” Zecora said with a grin. “Now, what shall we make for Velvet’s mother?”

 Bean took a moment to study Zecora’s humble home. It was pleasant, if somewhat small, but the exotic trinkets and baubles that lined the walls were fascinating.  Bean wished he had more time to ask her about the masks in particular, but he needed to get on with the duel.

“Do you have any suggestions? I could whip up something from memory, but if you happen to know what they like, that would make my life easier.”

“Cheater!” Velvet shouted from the corner where she had chosen to sit and pout at the proceedings. “You’re only supposed to have one assistant!”

“Hey, I’m not helping,” Shining quickly said. “See? I’m the picture of not-assistance right now. I’m just guarding my sovereign, nothing more.”

Velvet had no retort for that, so she went back to grumbling.

“The thestrals are a picky bunch, but I just so happen to have a hunch,” Zecora said. “I do know what meal will please, but the answer may fill you with unease.”

“At the moment, I don’t care,” Bean replied.

“Since thestral delight is what you wish, then you must cook a meal of fish.”

“Fish?” Bean repeated.

“It is the prefered snack of the hidden pack,” Zecora confirmed with a nod. “If you fill their bellies with trout, you will win. I have no doubt.”

“Trout, trout.” Bean tapped his chin as he mentally went through all of the fish recipes he knew. “I assume there’s some trout near here?”

“I caught some earlier this night to use in a spell to cure a fright. I have six over there, and with you I will share.”

“Do you know how to cook fish?” Shining Armor asked. “I’ve never had any kind of seafood in my life, and I doubt many other ponies have either.”

“That’s one good thing about living in Salt Lick,” Bean replied. “We get a fair amount of griffons and hippogriffs from the barge traffic, so my family’s restaurant had to have some unconventional menu items. To pull this off, though, I’m gonna need horseradish, onions, vinegar, vegetable oil, and some watercress. Is that asking for too much?”

“I can easily provide all that you require.” Zecora smiled and motioned to the various bottles, jars, and jugs that were strewn about her home. “All we need now is a healthy fire.”

“You’re wasting your time,” Velvet muttered. “We hate fish. With a passion, even.”

“Do not listen to Velvet’s lies. She is merely upset that I defeated her spies.”

“Oh?” Shining perked up at this opportunity to get a dig in on his tormentor. “Is somepony pouting because there’s a zebra better than you?”

“I don’t know how she does it!” Velvet gestured to Zecora with both hooves. “No matter what we do, she always figures out where we are and what we’re doing! We can’t get away with anything while she’s here! Is it some kind of bizarre zebra magic? Incantation? It’s gotta be something! She’s some kind of evil enchantress!”

“Zecora, you and I need to have a talk once this is all done,” Shining said with a gleeful laugh.


 * *  📖  * * 


“So, my charming young friend, how did you manage to come to this end?” Zecora asked.

“What do you mean?” Bean asked, his knife a blur of motion as he sliced an onion.

“The path to my humble home makes most tremble in fear, so what has brought a young prince here?”

“It’s just like I said. Princess Luna wants the thestrals to return, and—”

“I am afraid you misunderstand. What has led you to this stand? You appear to have considerable skill,” she said with a nod to his chopping, “but in your eyes, I see no thrill. You are cooking this meal by rote, and upon this task, you wish not to dote. Why did you leave your childhood home, and what compelled your hooves to roam?”

Bean’s chopping slowed, then stopped. For several long moments, he said nothing and moved even less.

“Bean?” Shining called out. “You okay?”

“It was so simple,” Bean whispered, his gaze a thousand yards past the walls of Zecora’s home. “Anypony could have done it. Why couldn’t I just…”

There was another brief pause before the knife in Bean’s hoof flew into a flurry of motion. “Well, none of that matters. Let’s just say that I’m terrible at multitasking, and so I’m not really all that good of a chef. I can do one meal here and there pretty well, but if I have to do a dozen different dishes all at the same time, I get overwhelmed. I got into this mess because I was trying to find a different job, but I never should have gone to the Castle of the Two Sisters.”

“You were looking for a new career?” Zecora asked. “But what about the mark on your rear? Any pony with your skill and that book could easily decide they should be a cook.”

Bean took a quick glance at his cutie mark and snorted. “I used to think that, at one time. But if that was true, then destiny hates me. Of course, being the universe’s chew toy would explain a lot of things that have happened lately.”

“Ah, the tides of destiny can be very strong. Even if you fight, they will push you along,” Zecora said as Bean scooped his onions into a bowl of vinegar with the flat of his blade. “Though you are not meant to be a chef, you have not been left bereft. Princess Luna has shown her desire, and it is clear her aspirations for you are higher. Trust in harmony, and you will see that what you desire can come to be.”

Zecora then turned to check on the cooking fish, giving Bean a moment to think over the mystic zebra’s words. It was hard to believe that this marriage mess with the princesses was something other than some huge practical joke, but if Zecora was right…

Bean shoved the thought out and refused to let it back into his head. This wasn’t destiny, despite Zecora’s persuasive arguments. This was torture, pure and simple. Once the thestrals were back in Canterlot, he could see no reason why he would have to go out in public again. He would simply recuse himself from everything and stay in his room.

It was the only way he could prevent things from getting even worse.


 * *  📖  * * 


“Ah, our young prince has returned.” Warleader Pansy chuckled and leaned back in her chair. “I must say, you have fantastic timing, Your Highness. We have just finished the first meal, and it was the finest rosemary salad I have ever tasted. You’ve got a high bar to clear. Let us see what you have created.”

Bean glanced over the ring of batponies in the clearing, and he swallowed hard. “You’re not expecting me to feed everypony, right? The deal was that I only had to provide a meal for you.”

Pansy nodded. “This is true, Highness. I alone will judge between you and Midnight Surprise. The others are simply here to observe the proceedings. Please, present your meal. The night is waning fast, and Luna will be worried. Zecora! Good evening! I had no idea you were part of this.”

“You know Zecora?” Bean and Velvet asked in unison.

“Of course! I frequently stop by her home for various herbs and salves,” Pansy replied. “She has a delightful cucumber concoction that’s done wonders for my split ends. I hope you’re still planning on stopping by on Friday; I do love our games of canasta.”

“Wait. You’ve been conversing and playing games with our sworn enemy?” Velvet blanched and retreated. “I can’t believe this! How could you?!”

“There’s no need to be so melodramatic,” Pansy replied. “Zecora is welcome here any time. If you have any qualms with her, I suggest you get over them.”

“But our spies!”

“Need to practice until Zecora can no longer find them,” Pansy finished with a hard glare. “Perhaps the Lieutenant can give us a few tips, if the Prince should happen to win.”

“Oh, I’m sure there’s a few things I could teach you,” Shining said with a wicked grin for Velvet.

“First things first. What have you prepared for the challenge, Your Highness?”

“Baked trout with pea shoots and onions,” Bean said as he placed his creation before the decider of his fate. “It’s a family recipe, and one of our most popular dishes, too. But before we begin, I have a request.”

“Oh? And what might that be?”

“I have some serious concerns about your impartiality,” Bean said. “I have no assurance that you will judge fairly, other than your word. So, Zecora has brought with her a potion that will force you to tell the truth for one hour. I want you to drink it first, and then we’ll know for sure that the winner really is the winner.”

“Of course,” Pansy said with a slow nod. “If it will make you feel better. Come! Pour the drink, and let us get on with this. Your offering smells quite tempting.”

A few nervous whispers were passed between the thestrals while Zecora filled a wooden goblet with a green liquid and passed it to Pansy. The cup was emptied in one quick swallow, and the warleader gave a grunt of surprised delight as she smacked her lips.

“Interesting. I wasn’t expecting it to be fizzy,” Pansy said. “Zecora, I’ll have to get that recipe from you later. Forced honesty aside, that was quite tasty.”

“The brew is easy enough to make. I’ll provide it to you after you partake.”

Dozens of eager eyes watched on as Pansy sniffed the meal that had been provided. Bean’s rear leg began to shake, and without realizing it, he held his breath.

“Please like it. Please like it. Please like it,” he heard Shining whisper, and he fully supported the sentiment.

Pansy’s fork cut a portion of the meal away, then stabbed it firmly. A hundred breaths collectively stilled as the food moved from plate to mouth.

The judgement then came down.

“You win, Your Highness.”

The batponies nearly exploded. Cries of foul play and enchanted dealings with the zebra rang out, and were supported by an undercurrent of protests at the prospect of returning to civilization. Shining Armor, Clover Leaf, and Hokey Pokey quickly surrounded Bean in a protective circle, horn alight and wings flared, but Pansy simply continued to enjoy the meal at a leisurely pace.

The furor died out rather quickly with Pansy’s lack of emotion, but Velvet continued to rant and rave until she finally stormed up to the table.

“Mother, you can’t let them win! How are we supposed to—”

Pansy held up a hoof, and her daughter was instantly silenced. “Velvet, you are the one who agreed to the terms that were set forth for our tribe. I know Zecora would not enchant, drug, modify, or manipulate the food, so my ruling is final. Prince Baked Bean’s meal is better, end of discussion. We must now prepare to return to Canterlot, and take our place once more as Princess Luna’s guard.

“However, there is one other matter that we must attend to,” Pansy continued, a sly grin appearing on her face. “You have bested the Oberjarl in singular combat. By the ancient laws that govern our tribe, we are now prepared to present the victors with their prize.”

“Prize? I thought returning was the prize,” Shining said, the wariness in his voice matching what Bean felt.

“That was an additional term. All duels with the Oberjarl are governed by very strict and very binding rules, passed from generation to generation from the original Oath until the present.”

“So, what is this prize?” Bean asked, though he was dreading the answer.

“Having defeated my champion in combat, you and your party are now claimants to the rights of concubinage over our tribe,” Pansy said in a matter-of-fact tone. “We’ll need to sort out how many each of you get, and who will be a concubine to whom, but I’m sure that—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Shining Armor shouted. “You can’t be serious! All of you have to be our concubines just because Bean cooked a better meal?!”

“The laws are quite clear,” Pansy replied with a calm grin.

“Even me?” Clover Leaf asked.

“Even you,” Pansy confirmed with a nod. “As your Prince, Baked Bean will have claim to myself, my daughters, and any other batponies he wishes to take. However, I believe Equestrian prize laws stipulate that the spoils should be divided evenly. That will simplify matters, if I am right.”

“Zecora?” Bean turned to her, the desperation building in his gut.

“She did drink my special brew, so all that she says is true,” Zecora simply replied. “I thought you knew of this, but apparently I was remiss. But it would seem to be no mistake that fate gave you this tribe to take.”

“Velvet Midnight, Buttercup, and a contingent of guards will accompany me to Canterlot,” Pansy stated. “We will meet with our Princess and learn her will. The rest of you will prepare to leave. Pack everything, leave nothing behind. Our time in the Everfree Forest is now at an end. It is time for us to begin a new chapter, and I am sure our new spouses will guide us all to an era of great prosperity.”

Bean would have taken it for a serious and honest gesture by their leader, if she had not finished by briskly smacking Shining Armor on his firm rear.


 * *  ✹ * * 


“So you were tricked,” Luna said with a low growl.

“I guess?” Bean said, his voice still at a near whisper. “Anstasi Von Wünschenswert and her entourage came with us, as you saw, and she says she will meet with you at your leisure.”

“Sister, I believe it would be best if all three of Bean’s wives met with the Warleader,” Luna said with a glance between Celestia and Cadence. “We will be their masters, and they will subject themselves to us. It behooves us to present a unified front, so that she understands her place. As I recall, the tribes can be quite fractious and argumentative.”

Celestia stood in place for a moment, then turned to face her sister and raised her eyebrow just a fraction, as if to measure the degree of fractiousness between her sister and her new guards. “I agree,” she finally said. “Mister Bean, have you,” she cleared her throat “divided the spoils of your victory yet?”

“No. Shining and I agreed that it would be best to talk things over with you first.” Bean paused, and a confused look came over him. “Sergeant Hokey Pokey did seem rather interested in Midnight Surprise, now that I think of it.”

“Then you and Shining should get some rest. Luna, Cadence and I will deal with the Warleader and prepare for the batponies’ return.”


 * *  ✹ * * 

> 7. Wishes, Hopes, and Desires
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


 * *  ❤  * * 


“Well, this is a fine mess our husband has inflicted on us, isn’t it?” Cadence fairly spat the fiery words at her Aunt Luna, although it would have felt better to really breathe fire at the old bat while she paced the length of Aunt Celestia's drawing room. “First you force me to marry him instead of Shining Armor, and now you’ve gotten him to dump an entire tribe of sex-crazed thestrals into the mix. At the rate we’re going, he’s going to be married to every female in Canterlot within a month, but hey, sharing is caring, right?”

“If I had known this was a possibility, I would have gone myself,” Luna snarled back. “These ‘rights of concubinage’ did not exist in my day.”

“Arguing will get us nowhere,” Celestia interjected, her wing stretching out to keep her sister and her niece apart. “Cadence, I know this is difficult, but—”

“Oh, would you please stop saying that!” Cadence fumed, her wings flaring up with a stomp of her hoof. “This whole situation has shot clean past difficult and gone straight into insane! Keeping my Shiny despite being married to Baked Bean was one thing, but do you really expect me to share with hundreds of batponies just because of some stupid laws?!”

“No, Cadence,” Celestia said calmly. “I do not.”

The answer caught Cadence off guard. “What?”  

“I will not force you or Shining Armor to submit to the thestral demands. We are the Princesses of Equestria, and our word is law, not theirs. I promised that you and Shining would remain together, and I fully intend to fulfill that promise.”

“But how?” Cadence asked. 

Celestia’s proud demeanor faltered ever-so-slightly. “I do not know, but I will find a way. I always do.”

Cadence’s wings slowly slid to her sides, and she studied Celestia’s face. She had known her aunt long enough to notice the cracks as they appeared in her facade, and underneath, she could see how the daytime diarch truly felt about the situation.

Beneath it all, her beloved aunt looked old, tired, and worn-out. This was an encumbrance on top of a hinderance, shaken, stirred, and served as a bitterly sour complication cocktail—complete with an olive of obnoxiousness hanging on the rim—and it was one she had created all on her own a thousand years ago just because she found herself in an uncomfortable situation. Once again, she was being called upon to solve this complex problem, and it was clear that the toll was quickly becoming more than Celestia could pay.

“Bean mentioned something about prize laws,” Cadence finally said, desperate to change the subject. “How does that work?”

“The prize laws were created to allow for fair distribution of the spoils of war to our soldiers back in my day,” Luna said. “However, the regulations were meant for use on things like gold or silver, not for concubines or slaves. Or husbands,” she added.

“It is strange that the Oberjahrl is trying to invoke those laws,” Celestia added, her stoicism quickly returning. “In fact, I am confused by her actions in general. Why did she not agree to return? As I recall, the Oath they swore was to serve and obey every command they were given.”

“And as our husband, Baked Bean’s word was to be treated as our own,” Luna added. “It is clear that this Pansy has some sort of plan in motion. We must determine what her motives are, and we must ensure that she understands her place.”

“Indeed,” Celestia said. “Come, let us speak with her and address this matter. Perhaps the way to move forward will be clearer once we have done so.”


 * *  ☽  * * 


“Sister, when this is over, you and I will need to discuss the design for your new throne,” Celestia said as the alicorns strode into the seat of Equestria’s government. “I wanted to have a throne ready for your return, but I realized just how insensitive it would be to impose on your selection. Something like this should be yours and only yours, much like... um... well, discounting Bean, I suppose. He is a warm-hearted stallion who will make an excellent husband, although I don’t think I would have picked him without your... impetuous decision. There are some parallels, I suppose. Comfort, for one, and a certain color scheme that goes well with the draperies...”

While Celestia was nattering onward about trivialities, Luna took a sideways glance up to her sister and despite her best efforts to remain strict and royal, she allowed just the smallest of smiles to emerge. This Celestia was so different from the one she had fought against a thousand years ago, and it filled her heart with joy to see the concern and love in her sister’s eyes. Celestia truly was doing everything in her power to ensure that Luna received all that she was entitled to, but more importantly, Celestia’s love for her younger sibling was shining as brightly as the sun in the noonday sky. 

It was a shame that Luna had done nothing to earn that love, but in that moment, she resolved to do anything and everything within her power to show her gratitude and loyalty to her far-too-forgiving sister. It was the least she could do after all of the pain and anguish she had caused, particularly in regard to an extremely compassionate sister and a soft-spoken stallion. In fact, by his simple predicament, Bean had drawn Celestia far closer to Luna than either of them expected. He was a good influence on the Royal Sisters, blunting their natural tendency to clash at every opportunity, and Luna held a sliver of fear in her heart that if some solution could be found to send him away, the Nightmare might return.

Then again, his presence vexed Princess Cadence in her pursuit of the handsome Shining Armor. Bean could not be considered any sort of addition to their obvious compatibility.... except he did convince Shining Armor to persevere in bringing back her loyal batponies, and he was making Cadence fight for her beloved. That had to be a first for the Princess of Love, and a little competition sharpened the wits, after all. It was certainly worth some thought.

“Cadence, I believe we should allow Luna to speak for us during this meeting,” Celestia continued as the three acended the stairs of the dias. “The thestrals swore the Oath Tripartite to her, and they will be under her direct command.”

“I will speak up if I feel like I need to,” Cadence cautioned.

“As will I,” Celestia said with a nod. “Are we ready to begin?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Cadence murmured, her wings unfurling once more.

Luna said nothing, because she was honestly at a loss for words at the moment, and did not see just exactly how to treat the situation. Was it diplomacy or warfare, after all? The differences were frequently difficult to determine until afterward. 

“Sergeant Pepper, please bring in Anstasi Pansy Von Wünschenswert,” Celestia ordered, her wings also flaring upwards in perfect synchronization with her sister. 

The Sergeant nodded, and a few short moments later, the Warleader of the thestrals entered the throne room, her head held high and her leathery wings unfurled to their full reach. Pansy’s ornate purple-black armor had been polished to a brilliant shine, and as she took the knee before her princesses, Luna noted the lack of weapons or helm.

The Warleader was presenting herself before the throne as one who had been conquered, but her smile betrayed her inner glee. She looked like a mare who was victorious, despite her defeat, and Luna didn’t like that one bit. 

“Empress Selena Luna mond Gealach, Queen of the Night, Princess of Equestria, Mistress of the Moon, Defender of Dreams, and Baroness of the West Tartarean Estates,” Pansy humbly submitted, her head still bowed. “Empress Cielia Celestia na Grèine, Queen of the Day, Princess of Equestria, Sovereign of the Sun, Mare of the Morn, and Baroness of the East Tartarean Estates. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. It is my great honor and humble privilege to stand before you this day.”

“Empress?” Cadence said, the confusion heavy in her words. 

“You pick up a title or fifty over a thousand years,” Celestia said with a small sigh. “I’ll explain later.”

“I think you’re missing a duchy in there somewhere,” considered Luna.

“Five.” Celestia seemed to be counting under her breath. “Six countships, about fifty or sixty baronies, and I think technically we’re abbeyesses of the Church of Sun and Moon, although the last worshippers passed away three or four centuries ago.”

“Really?” Luna shook her head. “They had such delightful music for their services. Nopony could understand the words, of course. The old mare who established the church was mad as a hatter.” She pursed her lips in thought. “Not a premonition of my fate with Nightmare Moon, I hope.”

“Ex post facto predictions are too easy, my sister,” said Celestia with a warm nuzzle. “With a wide enough prediction base, you can turn anything into having a gift, much like stock fraudsters do every week.”

Luna shook her head and returned her attention to their ‘guest.’ “Anstasi Pansy Von Wünschenswert, Oberjarhrl and Warleader of the Thestral Tribes.” Luna’s voice held no mercy in it, and she glared at the prone pony before her. “You have been summoned to discuss why you have forced yourself upon Our husband, Prince Baked Bean.”

“I am most pleased to answer for myself today,” Pansy said as she stood and met Luna’s gaze directly. “The answer, Your Most Royal Majesty, is really quite simple. I want grandfoals.” The hint of a calculated thought crossed the mare’s face, and she added with just the slightest hopeful lilt to her voice, “And perhaps just one more foal of my own.” 

There was a pause as Luna glanced between Celestia and Cadence. “You turned yourself and your tribe into concubines just for grandfoals? That seems to be a rather extreme solution to a problem that you shouldn’t have yet.”

“Your Majesty, I will not waste your time,” Pansy said in a confident tone. “I am sure that you know of what happened last night when your husband and his guards came to reclaim the thestrals for your guard. I am also sure he spared no detail from you, so you know that we are few in number. From the time of your fall until this present hour, we thestrals have carefully controlled how many foals were born, and to whom, so that we would be able to deny and deprive Nightmare Moon of our oath-bound services, should your redemption have failed to be.

“Since you have returned to us as Princess Luna, my tribe now wishes to rebuild and regain their former glory. I fear our control over the years has been far too restrictive. We are an endangered species, Your Majesty, and the only way we can escape total extinction is if the entire tribe rapidly reproduces.”

“But couldn’t you do that without becoming concubines?” Cadence asked. 

“Perhaps.” Pansy shrugged. “When the Prince first told me of your summons, I fully intended to return, eventually. We are still oath-bound to serve the crown, but you could hardly begrudge us some indulgences.”

“It is not your place to determine such things,” Luna said, her anger rising. “We did not send the Prince and his entourage to satisfy your loins. We sent him to retrieve you, and you know that a summons from any Princess is to be answered immediately.”

“I am aware of that. However, Your Majesties must admit that there will be some… resistance, let’s say, among the populace of Equestria at our return. As concubines to the Prince, we will be afforded protections that would not have been open to us otherwise, and those who might have wished to harm us will be reluctant to act against the crown. I did what I did because I felt that it would offer my tribe the best possible future.

“Now, if I must be punished, then I will gladly suffer whatever penalty Your Majesties deem worthy for my arrogance. I would only ask that you not punish my thestrals for what I have done. They are not responsible for me, or my decisions. Allow them to prosper, allow them to grow. Your Majesties know that we were once a mighty and fearsome tribe, and I only wish for us to regain that glory which we have lost.”

Luna hesitated for a moment. The logic behind Pansy’s actions was sound, if a bit convoluted, and she could see herself or Celestia doing the same, if they had been put into a similar position. “Are the thestrals prepared to submit themselves to our dominion?”

“Completely and totally,” Pansy answered proudly. “We are yours to command, Princess.”

“Even if we order you to stay away from those who have won the rights of concubinage over you?”

For the first time, Pansy frowned. “We will submit, but if you withhold your husband and the guards from us, we must seek out others. You know better than anypony else that the race of thestrals will not go quietly into the night, nor shall we vanish without a fight, Your Majesty.”


 * *  📖 * * 


“What is this thing that my sister has brought to us?” Luna asked, her eyes studying the black disc in her magic with a fervent intensity that Baked Bean had never seen before.

“It’s called a phonograph record,” Baked Bean answered, his gaze drifting slowly—very slowly—from Luna’s front to Luna’s rear with a number of detours to admire the ‘Of The’ accouterments she was wearing. Some of them looked quite painful, and he was suffering mixed feelings about offering to remove them for her. 

“And what is the purpose of it?”

“Well, it…” Bean paused and took a moment to think of the best way to describe a record to somepony who had never heard of one before. “It has music on it. Do you see how that disc has a bunch of grooves in it? Okay, now do you see the needle at the end of the arm on the phonograph?”

“You mean this other odd contraption that was brought into my room?” Luna asked, the silver bells on the Bridle of the Newlywed Bride chiming slightly as she nodded to the phonograph next to her. 

“Yeah. When that needle moves through those grooves, it vibrates, and those vibrations are then turned into music, or words, or whatever else got recorded.” Bean moved in a bit closer, took a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm his wildly beating heart, and glanced at the label. “The King Biscuit Flour Hour, interesting. Basically, this is a variety of new bands, all put together in one place. This’ll be a good way to learn about modern music.”

“So, you’re telling me that this dish-like… thing can capture music, hold it hostage, and then present it again on demand through this device?”

“More or less, yeah. Here, let me show you.” Bean gently took the record from Luna, placed it on the turntable, gave the crank several good turns, and then moved the needle to the lead-in. 

Luna cocked her head to one side and stared at the cheerfully upbeat music that emanated from the horn of the device, but then she snorted. “Hmpf. Do ponies not enjoy watching live performances anymore?”

“Of course they do. Records were created so ponies could enjoy music whenever they wanted to, not just when a band performs.”

Luna said nothing to this, but even Bean could see the depression settling over his wife like a thick fog. 

“So!” He moved back to the tray of food that had been delivered with the phonograph and looked over the offering. “How did the rest of the conversation go with Pansy?”

“It was very diplomatic and very boring,” Luna replied. “There wasn’t even any bloodshed. It did become a bit more lively when Cadence quite adamantly insisted that Shining Armor would not be receiving any concubines, no matter what the thestral laws decreed. It will take some time to determine how best to deal with this situation.”

“I really had no idea that—”

Luna held up a hoof and cut him off. “You have apologized enough, husband. In all honesty, I must admit that I do not see a problem with the Anstasi’s solution. I only wish she had returned first and presented her idea to Us; but I suppose her request to become your concubine would have been rejected. She wishes for the thestrals to repopulate, and by mating with royalty, the next generation will have protections that they would not have had otherwise.

“But I will hold my tongue on the matter,” she continued, her wings drooping as she glanced again to the phonograph. “Since I am a thousand years behind the times, my opinions are ancient, out-of-date, and offensive.”

“You’re not offensive,” Bean said, though he was careful to make sure the part about that applying to his eyes remained unspoken.

Luna scoffed. “If that were true, husband, then we would have consummated our marriage by now. You retreat and withdraw from me, since ponies today believe in things like ‘dating’ and ‘relationships.’ A thousand years ago, such concepts would have been derided as the fanciful wishes of a delusional mind. Love was a byproduct of marriage, not the other way around. 

“No, I must keep my peace until I am educated on what is proper in modern society.” Luna’s bells chimed softly as her gaze dropped. “Though when I am left alone with my thoughts, I do wonder why the Elements did not destroy me. Did they not foresee how difficult it would be to adjust, or is this part of the punishment that I must endure for my betrayal?” 

Bean hesitated. Luna’s words had pricked something deep inside him, and his heart hurt to see the Princess in the throes of depression like this. He wanted to help her overcome this, but what could he possibly do?

Other than loosen some of her accouterments. That could easily be taken wrong.

“Princess Luna has just returned from a thousand year banishment. She’s going to need help adjusting to the modern Equestria,” Bean murmured under his breath as he recalled Shining’s words. “Who better than the most common of commoners?”  

Luna sniffled when Bean moved to her side, but she gave him a curious glance when he placed the tray of food down in front of her, and then laid down by her side. “Husband? What are you doing?”

“I think I know how you feel,” he said softly. “Or, at least I do a little bit, maybe. Both of us have been shoved into an unfamiliar world, and we’re trying to figure out what we’re supposed to do now that everything is different. So, maybe we can help each other figure out what to do together?”

“And how do you propose we do that?”

“Well, how about something like a trade?” he offered softly. “I can teach you about modern things like records and dating, and you can teach me about something.” Bean’s eyes drifted from her face to her neck, and a hoof reached out and gently touched the Consort’s Collar that she wore. “Like this. Why are you wearing all of this? Is it some sort of ancient standard or something?”

“Do you truly wish to know?” Luna asked, a spark of hope in her eyes. 

“Yeah. I’ve always enjoyed learning about history, and who better to teach me about it than somepony who actually lived during the events?”

“You need to speak with my sister, then. I have been absent for much of Equestria’s history,” Luna said with a small grin. “But if you wish it, I can share what I know.”

“It wouldn’t have to be just history, either. Since it seems like I’m going to be stuck here, you can teach me how to be a royal, or maybe you can show me how you raise your moon, or even what I’m supposed to do with an entire harem of thestrals. But I think both of us will adjust to our new lives better if we try to work together.” He smiled, but then frowned and shrunk back. “Oh, but only if you want to, of course.”

Luna appeared to think the offer over, but then her wing reached out and wrapped over Bean. “I believe we can come to some sort of an agreement. It would be nice to have a trusted guide to help me understand this strange new world.” 


 * *  ✹ * * 


Princess Celestia drew in a deep breath as she tread the familiar path to her chambers. The day had been emotionally draining, and she was eager to forget her problems for a few hours while in the embrace of slumber.

Hopefully tonight would provide some actual rest, but she knew that wish would go unanswered. For the last year, her nights had grown increasingly restless as she contemplated and anticipated her sister’s return, and when she had sent her most faithful student to Ponyville, sleep had fled completely. The unexpected marriage to Baked Bean had only added fuel to the sleepless fire, and with this new batpony complication, it was likely that the insomnia would now be fanned into a roaring bonfire.

Her hooves stopped as she reached her sister’s bedroom, and she stared at the nocturnal themed door that was slightly ajar. Luna had again absconded with Baked Bean, but Celestia felt that having the two of them… do whatever it was they were doing would be the best way to help her sister adjust to modern life. 

She would never tell Cadence or Luna, but Baked Bean’s forced marriage had actually saved Celestia from a larger problem that she had not wanted to deal with. Had Nightmare Moon not invoked the Oath Tripartite, Shining Armor would have been forced into a marriage with Luna, and her sister would have claimed her new husband with the same haste—and the same forcefulness—that she had with Baked Bean. 

Celestia shuddered when she thought of what could have happened when Cadence would naturally refuse to share, just as she had refused to share with the batponies. Shining Armor was indeed one healthy hunk of hubba-hubba, but Celestia really did not want to know what would happen if Cadence were to travel the same path as Nightmare Moon. With Bean, Luna’s ancient notions of relationships and love could be satisfied while keeping Shining Armor firmly in the hooves of her beloved but possessive niece. Baked Bean was as easy to read as an open book, with large print and full color illustrations, and Celestia knew Bean would keep his relationship with the Princess of Love purely professional, thus allowing Shining and Cadence to have the relationship they would have had before in every way except in name. 

Celestia couldn’t resist taking a peek into the room, and she smiled slightly when she saw her younger sister stretched out on a pile of pillows in the middle of her room, peacefully slumbering with the new prince by her side and under her wing. A pleased warmth spread outward from her chest at the sight, and in that moment, her gratitude for the meddlesome yellow stallion grew by several degrees. Shining Armor was a wonderful, faithful, and devoted stallion, but his personality would have clashed with Luna’s, since each were used to issuing orders without questions and receiving prompt results. Cadence was a mellowing agent to Shining, and Bean was proving to be the same for Luna. 

The smile began to fade as Celestia’s mind traveled back to when Star Struck had been alive. Their first husband had been a calming influence on the brash and impetuous Luna as well, and the love he shared with the younger princess had been so strong that Celestia still felt guilty for inserting herself into their marriage. 

She would never say it, but deep inside, Celestia had felt some jealousy over their relationship. A hoof slowly went to her lips as she contemplated for a moment what it would be like to have a special somepony in her own life, and for a brief moment, her entire demeanor sagged slightly in depression. 

Despite all of the titles, honors, and accolades she had received through the years, it was again made clear that there were some things that the Grand Princess of Equestria would never possess.

Celestia fought back a tear and turned away from the room. There were far better things to concern herself with, and she obviously was not tending to them properly if she had time to pout over her fate. She quickly strode away, convinced that if puzzling out a solution to the batpony concubine problem didn’t take her mind off herself, a ream or two of paperwork certainly would do the trick.

Had her musings not distracted her, she might have noticed that there was one pony who was not as asleep as he appeared to be at a glance. She probably would have seen him watching her through one half-opened eye, and if she had taken one last look before walking away, she definitely would have seen the millstones beginning to grind in her new husband’s head.

And with her centuries of experience, she would have easily noticed that he was trying to figure out what help he could possibly offer to her, since he was her husband, too.


 * *  ✹ * *