5. - Everfree
Shining Armor loved being out in the field.
He did not love it as much as he loved Princess Cadence or his own family, of course, but being out among the citizens of Equestria was a joy and a delight like none other. There was a thrill that came with being able to serve and protect the residents of Canterlot—and all of Celestia’s little ponies, in a broader sense—that had no equivalent in all the world. He lived to see the happy smiles that came when he pulled lost kittens out of trees, or to hear the heartfelt ‘thank you’ when he assisted an elderly pony with their groceries. Their safety and well-being brought peace to his own heart, and until his last breath, he would always give his all for them.
His recent promotion, however, meant that the days of city patrol were now pretty much at an end. Soon, his time would be spent at the palace, taking care of the minutia that was required to keep the Royal Guard running like the well-oiled machine that it was. He would be relegated to meetings and training, and while he would miss being out and about, he knew he could accomplish much good for the whole of Equestria in his new role and responsibilities.
So as Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf banked towards the Everfree Forest, the soon-to-be Captain Shining Armor stood, propped his front legs on the edge of the carriage, and took a long moment to enjoy the rush of the midnight wind through his mane. This was, in all likelihood, the last major field assignment he would be able to lead personally, and he was determined to relish the opportunity, performing his duties to the absolute best of his abilities.
Not that the assignment was particularly hard. All he had to do was waltz into the Everfree Forest, find the last remaining enclave of thestral ponies—even though he still believed them to be nothing more than a fanciful myth—and persuade them to return to Canterlot to take their place as Luna’s personal guard. If these fabled bat ponies did really exist, the greater challenge would be integrating them into the ranks of his guard, and into society in general.
Shining suppressed a smile with the thought of running the mythological race through basic training. When he was done with them, they wouldn’t want to exist.
“Lieutenant, does this carriage have any charms on it to prevent unfortunate falls during midflight?”
Shining drew in a long breath. “Yes, Mister Bean. It does.”
“Oh.” Bean’s reply came with a heavy overtone of disbelief as he continued to clutch onto the seat beneath him with all four limbs. Even his tail was wrapped around a convenient portion of the carriage, and if it were possible, it looked like Bean was considering how to grab onto something with his ears in case of an accident. “Well. I’ll be here. In case you need me. Please don’t need me,” he whimpered.
Captain Armor shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You really should try to enjoy the view. You’re going to be flying a lot in the future, after all.”
“No, thank you. I’m good.”
“Suit yourself,” Shining replied as he mentally reviewed the map of the Everfree Forest once more. He had tried to talk Luna into keeping Mister Bean in the palace, but she was firm and unyielding in stating that only her husband would be able to speak with her authority and her power. While Shining understood the reasons behind that, it still felt like the yellow princess stealer was being forced to come, in a vein that was similar to when his own parents would force him to take his sister when he went out with his friends.⁽*⁾
⁽*⁾If he had to be honest, this was never an imposition, since Twilight would usually ditch him as soon as she could and head to the nearest library, with the understanding that he’d pry her away from the bookshelves when it was time to return home.
—
Shining Armor then snorted. He still had a few minutes before they would arrive at Princess Luna’s marked location, and with little else to do in the meantime, he decided to make some smalltalk. “Mister Bean, where are you from?”
“What?”
“I never asked you where your home is. I’m going to guess Las Pegasus.”
Bean hesitated, then leaned back slightly. “Why do you care?”
“Because I’m responsible for you, and I’m curious. Appleloosa, maybe? Nah; your accent isn’t thick enough.”
“I’m from Salt Lick,” Bean replied with a confused look.
“Ah, that makes sense. I couldn’t quite place your lilt. I’m from Canterlot, myself. My parents own a modest little place up in the palace district so we could be close to Twily while she studied at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Does your family live in Salt Lick?”
Bean’s confusion was palatable, and he glanced around for a brief moment, as if looking for a reason for the questions. “Yeah, most of them are there. My parents own a restaurant in town.”
“Oh, they’re cooks? I could use some tips, if you have any. I always manage to burn toast, somehow.”
“Just turn that knob on the front of the toaster to a lower number, then,” Bean said without thinking, and with a grunt, he sat up a little straighter. “Or turn down the flame on the stovetop. A light coat of butter would help, too.”
“Lieutenant!” Sergeant Leaf called out before Shining could ask any follow-up questions. “We’re coming up on the coordinates now!”
“Take us in, Sergeants!” Shining ordered.
“That was fast,” Bean said as he peered out and down at the rapidly approaching trees, although his tail was still curled around a strut on the carriage’s main seat.
“Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf are the best flyers in the airborne division,” Shining said with pride. “They could have been Wonderbolts, but I managed to talk them out of that horrible idea. The best of the best are always members of the Royal Guard, without exception.”
“Which is why I would never be able to make it past the screening process,” Bean muttered.
“I dunno, you look like you’re pretty stout,” Shining said as the carriage pushed through the canopy of trees and touched down. “A few pushups, couple of runs through the obstacle course, and who knows? Maybe you could have made Corporal one day.”
Bean and Shining dismounted as the sergeants unhitched themselves, and the three guards quickly began to evaluate their surroundings. The location Luna had given them was almost smack-dab in the middle of the Everfree, and Shining quickly reviewed the Official Royal Guard training that he’d been given regarding the oddly-behaved forest.
It had been little more than two words: stay out.
“Cheery little place, isn’t it?” Sergeant Leaf said with a sniff as she pulled a set of spears from the carriage and passed them out to her fellow guards. “I especially like the oppressive ambiance. It’s like the place thinks I’m a grape and it’s trying to squish me.”
“Not my first choice for a summer home,” Sergeant Pokey muttered. “No obvious tracks, sir, so the really fun monsters must be elsewhere at the moment.”
“Then let’s hurry and get this over with. Sooner we fail to locate this enclave, the better,” Shining said as his horn lit with an illumination spell, and he looked over the field of bright blue flowers to their left. “C’mon. Based on what Princess Luna said, their settlement should be somewhere over there, in that overgrown area. And where do you think you’re going?”
Baked Bean stopped and looked over his shoulder. “Away?”
“The batponies aren’t going to be that way,” Shining said as he walked up to the wandering Prince. “Not enough cover. A village would be seen from the air over there.”
“I’m not looking for the batponies,” Bean said.
“Oh? Then what are you doing, exactly?” Shining asked.
“Leaving. This is the part where I exit stage right, never to be seen again. I thank you for not killing me, Lieutenant, but I believe your work is done now. Please, carry on without me.”
“First off, that way is stage left,” Shining retorted. “Secondly, why are you trying to leave?”
Bean hesitated, as if the answer was obvious and he was surprised he had to explain. “Um, because absolutely nopony wants me around? Princess Celestia could care less about me, Princess Luna is only interested in my assets, your marefriend hates my weasley black guts and I’m pretty extra sure you want me gone, too. And let’s not get started with how the rest of Equestria feels about me, shall we?” Bean began looking for any kind of path in the thick forest cover with a snort and a heavy frown. “I didn’t agree to come here to bring the thestrals back, Shining. I came here to take myself out of the picture. With me gone, everything goes back to the way it should be. You get your mare back, and the Princesses can deal with something that’s actually important.”
“Your Highness, this forest is going to eat you alive if you wander off,” Sergeant Pokey called out.
“Good. Then you can bring back the bits that remain as evidence. If it doesn’t eat me, just say I got lost somehow. I don’t think it’ll much matter, in the end.”
Shining quickly trotted up to Bean, and he shook his head as the Sergeants fell in step behind them. “I can’t let you go, Your Highness. I have an obligation to protect you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do. I took an oath to protect all ponies when I became a guard, Bean. So did Pokey and Clover. My personal feelings don’t override my duty. If you’re set on getting lost, then we’re going to be lost with you.”
“Then I order you to leave.”
“Nice try. You don’t have enough authority to do that. Only the Princesses can issue that command, and even then, we would respectfully refuse.”
“Look, Shining,” Bean huffed as he stopped and faced the Lieutenant. “Just let me go. There’s no reason to keep me around. All I do is make things worse.”
“Or you could be making everything better and not realizing it.”
“Yeah? How?”
“Princess Luna has just returned from a thousand year banishment, Bean. She’s going to need help adjusting to the modern Equestria, and the nobility are champing at the bit to find ways to influence her to their way of thinking. Do you think that’s best for Equestria?”
“No!” said Bean before he recognized the trap. “I mean…”
“So who better than the most common of commoners, who has actual common sense for a change?”
“Um, anypony else?”
“Luna has you,” stated Shining Armor decisively. “Celestia… well, to be honest, I think she needs a good dose of common sense too. Goodness knows she spends enough time with the high and mighty.
“Also, do you realize that you’re probably the only pony that both Luna and Celestia can really open up to right now? When they talk to anypony else, they have to guard their words carefully, or else risk being eaten alive and having years of work undone. The Princesses can share their deepest thoughts and feelings with you without having to worry about what they say, and that’s something neither of them have been able to do for centuries. Put yourself in Celestia’s golden shoes. Imagine how you would feel if you could never express how you truly felt to anypony.”
Bean’s eyes drifted to his hooves, and it was clear that the reluctant prince had experienced something similar to the diarch’s dilemma. “It would be nice to share how I feel,” he murmured.
“And at the very least, if you turn up missing, Cadence would be the one leading the search parties. She’s the Princess of Love, but that isn’t limited to just romance. She cares for all ponies, like they were her own brothers and sisters. Believe it or not, that does include you.”
“I just want this to go away,” Bean whispered with tears in the corners of his eyes. “I don’t want everyone to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” Shining offered, and he put a hoof on Bean’s shoulder. “Much. Well, I did at first. The more I think about it, the better it seems. Within reason, of course. Perhaps we will become friends from all of this, and look back someday to have a good laugh.”
Bean glanced up and sniffled. “Really? You’re not just saying that?”
Shining smiled, and he tossed his head in the direction they were headed anyway. “C’mon, one way is as good as any other in this mess. Let’s go find those thestrals, then we can figure everything else out together. Whaddya say?”
The new Prince hesitated for several long moments before rubbing away the tears in his eyes. “I don’t know how I can help.”
“You can help us look for tracks. Another set of eyes never hurts.”
“I don’t know what to look for.”
Shining gave Bean a playful smack. “I’ll show you. The sergeants and I will make a guard out of you yet.”
* * 🛡 * *
Shining Armor grunted as he blasted yet another tree branch out of the way, and he paused for a moment to take inventory of his party. “Anything yet?”
“Nothing but rocks and dirt, sir,” Clover replied. “Tree cover is too thick to go airborne.”
“We’ll stomp around for a little bit more and then call it a night.” The tree cover was so thick that Shining had to put more power into his illumination spell, and he played the beam of light around the base of the trees. “We can pick up the search again at sunup.”
“Didn’t Princess Luna say we’d only be able to find the thestrals at night?” Bean asked.
“She did, but crashing around in the brush like this will only attract something that thinks ponies are a tasty midnight snack. We’ll have better odds of finding something when we can see what we’re doing.”
“If these supposed bat ponies even exist, sir,” Pokey said as he pointed his spear at something in the air. “This place gives me the creeps. I swear we’re being watched.”
“Stand fast, Sergeant,” Shining admonished. “There isn’t anything here we can’t handle.”
The Sergeant didn’t reply, but his glare remained on one tree for several long moments.
“Hey, Lieutenant?” Bean called out. “I think I found some paw prints over here. They’re pretty big ones.”
The three guards trotted over to Bean’s location, and Shining smiled as he glanced over the find. “Manticore tracks. Good work, Your Highness. I told you we’d make you a proper guard.”
“Tracks lead off to the east,” Clover said as she began to follow the subsequent impressions in the dirt. “Fresh, too; no more than an hour or so ago.”
“So, it’s still close?” Bean asked.
“Possibly. Keep sharp, everypony. I don’t want that thing sneaking up on us.”
“Sir?” Clover called out, and she pointed to the ground with the tip of her spear. “Check this out. Our little friend was heading towards the pond there, but he never made it. Something spooked him, and he skittered that way.”
“But what scares a manticore away from water?” Shining said with a grin and a rub of his chin. “We may be onto something here. Fan out, see if you can find—”
Shining was cut off by the rustle of leaves from a nearby bush, but when prodded with a spear, the shrub did not repeat the action.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Pokey muttered. “There’s something here. It’s just toying with us.”
“Stay loose,” Shining ordered with a roll of his shoulders. “Probably just a rabbit, but let’s assume it’s bigger.”
“Sir?” Clover called out with a nod to the ground. “I got a new set of tracks just behind the tree here. Hoofprints.”
“So maybe our mythological friends do exist,” Shining said.
“Uh, Lieutenant?” Bean staggered back a step as he stared at the leafy canopy overhead. “Do you hear that?”
“Is that… giggling?” Clover asked as four sets of ears flicked and twitched to the unnerving sound above them.
“Who’s out there?!” Pokey demanded. “Show yourself!”
The order went unheeded, and the unexpected sound slowly drifted away on the evening breeze. After several long moments, Shining turned his attention to the hoofprint, and with a new surge of magic, his pink aura filled the indent.
Scattered spots of pink then flicked to life across the nearby bushes and on the trunks of the trees, and Shining nodded with a grin. “There you are. You’re good, but not good enough. Pokey, Clover, you watch the rear. Bean, I want you right behind me. It’s time to find our mystery stalker.”
* * 🛡 * *
“So, what did Luna tell you about the thestrals?” Shining said in a low voice as the foursome crept forward.
“Not much, actually,” Bean softly replied. “She gave me their location, told me they were probably in hiding due to their association with her fall, and that they should follow my orders, provided I told them I was acting on her behalf.”
“And Celestia?”
“All she knew was that they pay their taxes on time every year. She didn’t say what they pay their taxes with, though. She’s sent search parties after them before, but they always come back empty-hooved. She figured they were so ashamed of their association with Nightmare Moon that they forced themselves into exile and have refused to have contact with the outside world since then. She did tell me to be careful, since they’ve been alone for so long. She was worried that everything that was once known about them is now completely wrong.”
“Well, if they pay their taxes that means they’re still loyal to the Crown, so that works in our favor.” Shining paused, sent a new pulse of tracking magic out, and then began to follow the new markers that illuminated. “Still, she’s right. Since you’re Luna’s Voice, you’re the one who’s going to have to do most of the talking.”
“Luna did tell me what to say to them. If I invoke her titles and her authority over them as citizens of Equestria, she was mostly sure they’d listen.”
“‘Mostly?’” Shining repeated.
“They used to be rather stubborn, I guess. They were loyal, but they had their own way of doing things that tended to bend the rules.”
“Might be why they went into exile, then,” Clover said. “And why Luna likes them so much.”
“Maybe,” Shining said as he stopped. “Wait. Something’s wrong.”
“What is it, sir?”
“This trail just ends here.”
“Why is that so bad?” Bean asked.
“It means they were herding us toward something like a guard, or a booby trap—”
Shining’s illumination spell was snuffed out without any warning, and a round of delighted laughter filled the pitch-black woods.
“—or an ambush,” Shining finished.
A trilling shout rang out, and the Equestrian guards reared up to slash with their spears as the sky above them filled with the furious pounding of leather wings. Shining desperately tried to summon a shield, but the effort failed as soon as he tried, and in a few short moments, he was hog-tied, muzzled, and thrown into a pile with the rest of his party.
“Well, well, well!” A rich, dark, and decidedly feminine voice called out. “What have we here?”
“Trespassers!” another silken-voiced mare called out. “Spies! Ooo, I love it when we catch spies! I call dibs on the yellow one!”
“No way!” A third mare called out. “We haven’t had a proper stallion here in years! That’s not fair!”
“Manners, ladies,” the first voice chided, and Shining’s head was lifted up against his will. “We wouldn’t want to be rude to our guests, now would we?”
It took a minute for the loyal royal guard to make out any details in the darkness. A pair of bright gold eyes twinkled with unbounded glee while a fang-filled smile crept closer, split, and allowed a long velvet tongue to lick a pair of glossy black lips.
Thestral. He had been ambushed and captured by a female thestral.
Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Shining apologized to Cadence for the thoughts that were tumbling through his head.
Several torches surged to life, and Shining’s eyes darted back and forth to see how bad the situation really was. The small clearing they had entered held perhaps fifteen batponies, all dressed in purple-black armor and wielding ebon-shafted spears of their own.
It was like the illustrations in his childhood mythology books had come to life. Dozens of golden eyes glittered in the night like Luna’s stars, and each pair seemed to be overflowing with glee and desire. Large draconic bat wings flittered and stretched upwards in eager anticipation, as if they would launch into flight at any moment.
The only thing those old books had been wrong about was the ears. In the illustrations, thestral ears were twice as large as a pony’s, but from his position, he could see that they were the same size as any other pony’s, but with an added inch or two for the tuft of hair at the tips.
“Congratulations, Lieutenant,” the mare cooed in a deep contralto voice. “You’ve found the thestral encampment. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to tell the tale of your find, but I think we can make your stay here rather comfortable.”
Shining Armor gave her the most furious glare he possibly could. He was down, but he was far from out. He refused to be beaten by this silken temptress.
“Ooo, this one has some fire to him. How delightful.” The apparent thestral leader released his cheeks, and her gaze slowly dropped towards Bean. “However, one of these ponies is not like the others. Why would a squadron of guards be out here with this nopony? Did that meddlesome zebra send you?” she asked while she freed his muzzle.
“We were sent here by Her Most Royal Majesty, The Imperial Empress Selena Luna mond Gealach, Queen of the Night, Princess of Equestria, Mistress of the Moon, Defender of Dreams, and Baroness of the West Tartarean Estates,” Bean said as quickly as he could.
The reaction to that string of titles was not exactly what Shining Armor would have liked. The lead batpony blinked, glanced to a mare on her left, and shrugged.
“I suppose that’s supposed to cow us into obedience? You’ll have to come up with something a lot better than that.”
“But Princess Luna—”
“Enough!” The batpony leader was quick to bind Bean’s mouth, and with a snort, she nodded to another mare in the clearing. “Ladies, let’s show our guests to their accommodations. We’ll let the Warleader decide who gets dibs.”
“Aw! No fair!”
* * 🛡 * *
Shining Armor hated being out in the field now.
“I really want to say this is all your fault,” he grumbled from where he dangled upside-down from the tree that was their makeshift prison. “But I suppose I’m responsible too, in a way. I just wish I knew how they snuck up on us.”
“I told you I make everything worse,” Baked Bean said, tied up and dangling right beside him. Clover Leaf made no response, since the eager batponies had trussed her up into a cocoon of vines until only her tail was visible. Hokey Pokey had been dragged off for what the thestrals had called ‘samples,’ so he was unable to contribute to the conversation, either.
“Nah. To be fair, this is their turf, and that always puts you at a disadvantage. Besides, we both thought they’d be a bit more friendly and little less tie-them-upside-downy. If I had known they’d be this hostile, I would have brought more guards.”
“What do you think that one mare meant by calling dibs?” Bean asked in a soft whisper.
“Easy. How many stallion thestrals did you see in that clearing?”
“Well, none. They were all…” Bean trailed off, and Shining could almost hear the color draining from his coat. “Oh, horseapples.”
“Eeyup,” Shining deadpanned as he tried to twist around and get a better bearing on his situation. “We found a wild pack of Amareazons.”
“But, but… but I’m already married. That means they’ll leave me alone, right?”
“Depends on how desperate they are. Usually married males are off limits, if the old legends have any truth in them. Usually.”
That statement seemed to cheer the Prince, if his sigh of relief was any indication. “I hope so. Y’know, it’s kinda funny. If I hadn’t been vigorously proposed to by Nightmare Moon, you’d be the safe one, married to three alicorn princesses. I can’t believe Luna was seriously talking about having me in bed with all three of them,” he added in a distracted tone of voice while swaying in the ropes. “One is difficult enough. She does this thing with her horn—” He broke off with a shudder and faint “eep!”
“Alicorns,” said Shining with a sigh. “I wonder if that’s the same thing Cady does, where she turns her head to one side and… no, focus,” he added. “Can you see what they put on my horn so I can’t do magic?”
“Good point,” said Bean, twisting around so he could get a better look. “Seems like some sort of fruit sap, I think. Probably frutious babathanchi, if I had to guess. It’s delicious, but you can’t serve it to unicorns because it makes their tongues numb.”
“Great,” said Shining in a monotone. “And we don’t have any way to remove it.”
“If you twist this way, and I bend a little, I bet I could lick it off,” suggested Bean.
Shining shuddered. “As I said, we don’t have any way to remove it.”
“Let me just brace myself against this tree branch,” continued Bean. “And you put your head… no, over here!”
“I’d rather die!” said Shining while continuing to struggle.
“They’re not going to kill us,” said Bean. “They’ll just tie us up in various bedrooms and have their feminine ways with us until the whole village is full of little Hokeys, Beans and Shinings. I’ll bet Cadence would love to play with the foals.”
Shining Armor did not say anything, but did lean slightly in Bean’s direction. Then, after considerable convoluted twisting on Bean’s behalf bore fruit, so to say, he muttered under his breath, “Not one word when we get back. Not. One.”
* * 📖 * *
“Pokey!” Shining called out as the Sergeant was dropped at the base of the tree that Bean and the Lieutenant were still trying to escape from. “You all right, Pokey? What did they do to you?”
“I’m fine, sir,” Pokey replied in a dreamy tone while the two thestral mares snickered and walked away. “Er, at least I’m as well as can be expected. They, um… can we talk about this some other time?” he asked, holding his tail tight against his rear. “Like never?”
“That’s it. Let’s get out of here before they decide they want more samples.” Shining’s horn flared to life, and with a flash, his teleportation spell deposited the three dangling ponies safely on the ground. Clover ruffled her wings with a deep inhalation to celebrate her freedom as Shining continued with “If the Princess wants the thestrals, she can come get them herself. This isn’t worth the risk. Where did they all go?”
“They’re just over there, sir,” Pokey replied with a jab of his hoof to his left. “I think they’re trying to figure out who gets the first turn.”
“Wait,” Bean cut in. “We have to stay here.”
“What?” Hokey Pokey stared at Bean wide-eyed. “Are you nuts?”
“We’re here to convince the thestrals to return to Canterlot with us,” said Bean.
“And we’re doing such a wonderful job so far,” snarked Shining Armor.
Ignoring Shining, Bean pressed onward. “I think I’ve figured out a way, but you’ll have to trust me.”
“What is it?” asked Clover.
“Well…” Bean cringed. “I don’t want to say it out loud.” He pointed out into the dark forest. “They’ll hear.”
“Aw, trying to leave so soon?” Laughing golden eyes in the darkness made it abundantly clear who Bean was referring to. “I don’t know why you’d want to, though.”
Shining’s horn flared to life, and a large pink bubble shield instantly surrounded the entourage from Canterlot. “Look, Bean. I’m not one to defy orders, but we’re outnumbered here. A tactical retreat is our best option. If we stay, they’ll just tie us up again and have their way with us.”
“That’s not all bad,” Pokey added, but with a wince when his superior gave him a death glare. “Sir.”
“I know, I know.” Bean doggedly pushed forward. “But I really think I know how to get this to work.”
Shining opened his mouth to override his Prince, but the words stalled in his throat. Baked Bean looked almost desperate to have a chance, and it reminded the Lieutenant of all the times he’d begged favors out of his parents, friends, and superiors in the guard. Besides, Bean was technically a superior officer, and Shining Armor did not want to explain their failure to Luna.
“Fine,” he finally said. “You get one shot at this. If they try to pull any sort of stunt, I’m going to teleport my guards out of here and leave you to deal with the aftermath.”
“That’s what I wanted to do when we got here,” Bean insisted.
Shining snorted, and his shield dropped. Bean then stepped up to the row of dark spears that were lined up before him, and he took a deep breath before he spoke.
“My friends and I wish to meet with your Warleader, but not as your prisoners. If you will allow us to speak to her, I promise that we will not attack or harm you in any way.”
“You think you’re in a position to make demands?” The lead guard laughed with the others. “Such a strange male. You’re just lucky she sent for you. I’ll humor you for now, but that fancy shield of yours isn’t going to protect any of you if you try anything funny.”
“I’ll behave if you do,” Shining said smugly. “No ropes, no spears, no shield. Deal?”
“Whatever. Let’s go,” the guard said with a slow lick of her lips. “I’m Velvet Darkness, by the way, but you can call me Velvet. Over there is Blackjack, that’s Midnight Surprise, and behind you is Buttercup.”
“I still have dibs on the yellow one,” Buttercup purred with a seductive grin of anticipation.
Nothing more was said during the short march to a nearby clearing, which was not much more than a small meadow. Torches lined the outer perimeter, their light teasing and twisting the midnight air into mocking makeshift pillars for a pitch black wall. Baked Bean’s nose filled with the scents of honeysuckle, lavender, and something else he was unfamiliar with—no. It took a moment, but Bean realized that the strange scent was not any sort of wildflower.
It was the smell of pheromones. Female pheromones.
Bean quickly blocked the ideas that came cascading up from his wild imagination, but the effort did nothing to calm his nerves. In the center of the clearing stood an older-looking and absolutely gigantic mare, easily the same height as Princess Luna and twice as thick but without an ounce of fat to be found on her frame. She was surrounded by the remaining thestral mares, who formed a loose half-circle around them with an amused look of detached enjoyment. The muscles that were visible under their armor twitched in anticipation, like a panther’s slow movements just before they launched themselves at their prey, and for a moment, Bean wondered if they would say he tasted like his namesake or more like a turnip.
“Welcome, distinguished guests,” the hulking mare said with a dip of her head. “Please, forgive my daughter’s eagerness. It’s been so long since we’ve had visitors, and they’ve forgotten that they tend to play rough.”
“I was nice,” Velvet said. “Mostly.”
From the corner of his eye, Bean watched Pokey blush like a furnace and tuck his tail closer to his rear.
“As you may have figured out, I am Anstasi Pansy Von Wünschenswert, Oberjahrl and Warleader of this humble thestral tribe. I must confess, I was surprised that you found our home so easily.”
Bean took a sideways look at Velvet with almost a sense of giddiness at this much stress. After all, he thought the most terrifying thing he’d have to face as Luna’s Love Toy was being shown off to a few wrinkled royalty. At least that was what he intended on blaming for his levity when he quipped, “We were attracted by the wild beauty of your forest, Warleader.”
A brief giggle swept through the watching thestrals, although Velvet merely lowered her ears and glared at him.
“Ah, I see,” said Pansy. “I was told you were sent by another. Have you come on the behalf of the Empress?”
“Since when is Princess Luna an Empress?” Clover muttered under her breath.
“We were sent by Her Most Royal Majesty, The Imperial—” Bean started, but he was cut off by Pansy’s upraised hoof.
“Please don’t throw titles around like that. It’s rude. You can simply say ‘yes.’”
“Then, yes?” Bean said hesitantly.
“So the Mare in the Moon is no more, then?” Pansy asked with a bemused smile. “How can we know you speak the truth?”
It was a good point. Bean mentally knocked himself on the top of the head for not bringing a current newspaper, or perhaps a photograph.
Or a husband?
“She swore the Oath Tripartite to me,” said Bean while trying to control how much he was trembling inside. “By hoof and horn and wing, she made me her own, and as her husband, I swear the same to you. Nightmare Moon is no more. Princess Luna stands ready to accept you back into her service, should you care to abide by your own ancient vows.”
He stopped at that point, because he had run out of words, although he did have to confess that part of it was also due to the growing vulpine smile on Warleader Pansy.
“The Oath Tripartite,” she mused. “Well. This gift of three prime stallions is quite generous of her, isn’t it girls? I do believe we will need to thank the Princess after we have the chance to replenish our ranks. You see, we lack males to help propagate the species, so I think I’ll choose… you,” she added, pointing to Bean.
“Nope!” declared Baked Bean, putting his legs into reverse and backing right into a tree. “No way, no how, no!” he continued while scrabbling up the trunk until only a few bits of bark raining down were the only evidence of his existence.
“He knows we can fly, right?” asked Velvet, who was trying her best not to laugh and failing terribly.
“I didn’t know he could climb a tree backwards,” murmured Shining before raising his voice. “Actually, Warleader. Prince Bean said he had an idea to help resolve our situation, and I really would like to hear it.” He squinted up into the darkness where a few bits of tree bark were still falling, indicating Bean was still gaining altitude. “Provided we can talk our fearless leader down....”
There was a pause, a reduction in the amount of falling bark, and then a long, quiet moment before Bean’s voice rang out from somewhere up above.
“A duel!” he announced. “I propose we settle this like civilized beings and decide this with a duel.”
“What?” yelped Shining, taking a quick glance at all the grinning batpony mares surrounding them.
Velvet Darkness took to the air with a cackle and rose up into the darkness until she was lost from sight. “You’re on. Your choice of weapons. We have swords, daggers, spears…”
“Cooking,” Bean said. There was a scattering of bark bits floating down, a pause, then Bean added in a much fainter voice, “Can you carry me down out of the tree first? We’re a long way up.”
~ * ~
Baked Bean did look a lot better with all four hooves on the ground. Shining had offered to catch him if Bean jumped, but in the end, Velvet had glided down out of the darkness with a Bean clutched quite firmly to one leg. And it had only taken ten or fifteen minutes to get him pried loose.⁽*⁾
⁽*⁾To be honest, Velvet had not been very helpful in that regard.
—
With a deep breath, Bean mustered up every last ounce of confidence he had, faced the mountain of a Warleader, and proceeded. “I propose a cooking duel. I will challenge any mare you put forth, with one assistant for each of us. Whoever pleases more of your tribe with their skills shall be the victor. If I win, you come back to Canterlot and serve Princess Luna. If you win…” his confidence ebbed as Velvet smiled a sharp-toothed grin.
“You stay here, with us. Agreed!”
Hokey grabbed his sovereign and pulled him aside. “Your Highness, forgive me for saying this, but are you out of your mind? How are we supposed to beat them at cooking?!”
“Did you hear me when I said my parents owned a restaurant in Salt Lick?” Bean whispered, and Hokey nodded. “Okay, I wasn’t sure if you did. I’m a chef too, Sergeant. They taught me everything they know.”
“Was your restaurant any good?” Clover asked.
“Best in the city. We packed the house every night. I’m pretty sure I can beat these mares, but I’ll need your help, Shining.”
Shining glanced up at the cheshire grin of Velvet Midnight, inhaled deeply, and grunted. “Fine, but we better get some ground rules laid down here. These thestrals are going to do whatever they can to keep us here.”
“Hey, we’ll fight fair,” Velvet called out. “But we’re going to smoke you, too!”
“C’mon,” Shining muttered. “Let’s get this over with.”
* * 📖 * *
“BEAN!” Princess Luna proclaimed, and with a pounce, she tackled her husband and wrapped him up in a large, feathery hug. “Thou has returned to Us, unharmed and whole! We did greatly fret while thou wert away.”
Baked Bean tried to say something in reply, but the furious repetition of her alicorn-powered kisses prevented him from speaking. The guard detail in the throne room cleared their throats and respectfully averted their eyes from the Royal Snogging, but one guard did grumble as he passed a small bag of bits to another.
“Don’t even say anything. I thought for sure the prince would run for it.”
“Would you run away from kisses like that?” the other guard snarked.
“I’m glad to be back, too,” gasped Baked Bean once he surfaced for air from Luna’s kisses. “We got your guards like you wanted—”
“Speaking of wants,” growled Luna deep in her throat.
“And a little something extra,” he managed as fast as he could get the words out. “A concubine.”
Luna blinked, and seemed to look at her nose, which was an extraordinarily cute expression, although Bean was not about to admit it. “Praytell, what did you say?”
“Well, concubines, since I ended up with three of them. I defeated their commanding officer in a duel,” started Baked Bean, “and therefore under the laws of their tribe, I’m… um… Shining Armor has some, too,” he added weakly.
“How did this happen?” Luna asked, but then she held up a hoof. “Wait. Do not speak of this until we have summoned my sister and Cadence. As your wives, we deserve to hear of this together.”
* * ✹ ☽ ❤ * *
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OMFG i love this so much YES
<insert Death By Snu Snu joke here>
I loved this chapter. I thought Bean had more backbone in him at first, then I realized I was thinking of the main story's Bean. This one hasn't had a chance to go through the character development his counterpart has.
Ah, I don’t think that Appleloosa was even established by this point. You have to remember, when Twilight and her friends visited the town, it had only been around for a year or so.
Asked.
Ok so twice now bean has ended up with wives/concubines due to old law/magic hmm lets see queen queen chrysalis need to swear by changeling law after that, queen umbra by old unicorn traditions o cant forget queen Novo by hippogriff rules he could some how defeat the storm king using his EPIC cooking skills by telling all of his soldiers that if they join him and become his army they can eat his cooking all the time, then bean gets his own army an army that conquered equestria in a day becomeing the new storm king and then release all conquered territories to their owners then Luna punishes tempest by making her his concubine as well YES MORE ALWAYS MORE HAREM FOR THE ANIME GODS o yes When twilight becomes an alicorn add her to the mix
.... that would be one hell of a ride ...... giggity
New Chapter!?
Ok. THis was worth the wait!! Thank you for this!!
When Bean climbed up the tree BACKWARDS, I burst into laughter, cause I realized that he probably looked a bit like a squirrel while doing it.
Also, I can't wait to hear how exactly he beat the thestrals in a cooking competition and got some concubines out of it.
Gonna get batty up in here right quick. You know he got the concubines just because they want to keep eating the food he cooks. Mad cooking skills gets the ladies.
RIP Baked Bean, died of Snu Snu.
This gun be gud.
Shining: Bean, how the hell did this happen?
Bean: I TOLD YOU I MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE!!!
This is magnificent. The image of Bean noping backwards up a tree is everything I needed today. And hey, he’s starting to accomplish things now. Though, concubines, really?
Please, oh please tell me that Baked Bean summon his inner Gordon Ramsey during that fight? Tell me, that when it comes to food, his switch turns on and he became a beast on the kitchen, and those 3 bat ponies were impress on how commanding and even scary he got once he order the guards like a well trained drill sergeant and yell when they made small mistakes.
Also, since Bean won, this is just the perfect music to accompany his victory
And then Bean just smile at them happily enjoying their food and just say: "It was nothing, enjoy to your hearts content!" With a big victory grin on his face
P.S: Shining Armor got a couple of concubines too eh? Can't wait to see how his parents AND Cadence react to that revelation.
Lol
9839461
That is the exact anime I was thinking of while reading this.
Huh, I have a feeling this is going to be a useful skill in the future.
Why do I sense references here?
Wait wut?
Only you bean
9839321
Hearing that makes me very happy!
9839324
Yeah, it's easy to mix the two up. I keep having this Bean do stuff that the monogamy!Bean would do, and it doesn't fit.
9839328
Valid point. I invoke the mystic Alternate Dimension powers to nullify it. By my very authoritative author power, Appleloosa existed before season one started now. ~Bwa ha ha!~
9839343
Don't forget the Queen of the Hippos. We can't leave her out of the fun.
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9839386
You're welcome! You're going to love the cook-off.
9839388
Mad cooking skill is always best skill. :)
9839390
Indeed it is.
9839401
"I meant that literally!"
9839419
Hey, I said it was going to get ugly. Don't worry, though. Bean, Shining, and the others will treat them nice.
9839461
Though, since Shining is unmarried, doesn't that mean the batpone are his wives?
9839501
Backwards tree climbing is in high demand nowadays.
9839386
Or like Celestia with the chicken.
Also, loved the Hunchback reference with Trespassers and Spies.
9839518
Well, I hope his mom wanted grandchildren but whoever he got (if he ever got to choose) most likely want to hump his bones as soon as possible.
Just make a herd already
9839523
I just now got that reference. thank you for pointing it out!!
9839519
Tis a skill most legendary. On that note, please let the next chapter come soon.
This was my favorite chapter.
Well this got interesting can't wait for the next.
9839419
Our intrepid hero's response, to a T
First of all, congrats on pulling a fast one in the readers with the completely unexpected tie back to the story title. Well done.
Secondly, if I did my math right, Hokey Pokey has about 24 concubines? Somehow I don’t think his self-described marefriend is going to like that!
Thirdly... seriously? Yesterday the “it’s almost here” blog. Today ending on a cliffhanger. You, sir, are a terrible tease!
I actually thought that Bean was going to point out that the majority of the Royal Guards are male and presumably very available.
"So, ladies, wanna join their ranks?"
lol the harem grows
They never knew what hit them.
So I stand corrected. I finally read the main story line and I'm glad to see my fears were unfounded. I'm also glad to see Shinny reaching out to Bean. Concubines!? Oh boy, I think Bean has jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. I look forward to seeing the reactions of the rest of the Princesses.
See, Earth ponies aren't just good at growing things! They can use their magic to adhere to trees too!
The concubines are actually an excellent ploy to elevate the thestral's status in the society ladder, and a good way to ensure legal siring.
Wonder if other tribes will emerge?
Keep going! ;)
this story is really growing on me.
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But that was in season 1, so it should already exist.
It shouldn't be so well established to have its own accent, though.
I absolutley lost it when Bean climbed up the tree backwards, comedy gold right there!
9840805
Ah, you’re right. I forgot that it made it’s debut in Season 1. Still, as you stated, at this point it hasn’t been around anywhere near long enough for an accent to form.
Oh, how nice! Now the Prince can make a 3 Bean Salad.
So Shining is just giving up on ever getting married to Cadance and deciding Bean stealing her was a good thing now?
Man I wish he’d get some help and stop just being Bean’s cuckold.
Irrespective why does Shining say Cadance would go looking for Bean, be the very foremost one in all the search, because she’s Princess of Love, but despite this she’s happily accepted being married to Bean with almost no protest and even decides to pretend to like it? If she’s Princess of Love why does she do this? Does Shining just mean that little to her?
Why does Bean say this? Cadance has straight up adored him since the moment they met, even in private with Shining she doesn't say a single bad thing about him. I think Bean is the only character Cadance hasn't had some kind of issue or tiff with so far.
Okay, but what about Cadence and Shining? Shining Armor's waxing here about how good Bean is and amazing he is for Luna and Celestia but why does he ignore his own situation? Is Shining getting to be happy and married to Cadence just no longer even important that they're just sweeping it off the table as acceptable collateral so Luna and Celestia and Bean get what they want?
Okay but then why doesn't she care enough for Shining to refuse to play along with marrying Bean? I don't get this; she's the Princess of all Love so she'll go out of her way to find Bean and search for Bean and wants to help all ponies...but when her own fiancée is in a tough spot she'll pretend to be happy about marrying a stranger and not just refuse? I'm not clear on this, if Cadance is the Princess of Love, why does helping Bean out, pretending to be happy to be married to Bean, and going along with being married to Bean trump getting married to Shining? Why's Bean more important to her 'Princess of Love' title than Shining? If Shining's the Stallion she loves then, as a Princess of Love, shouldn't she, so-to-speak, 'screw the rules, I'm doing this for love,' for him? Rather than just meekly rolling over and accepting being Bean's wife?
So Shining Armor, just like that, already just accepts he'll never get married to Cadance, she'll be married to Bean always, and he thinks it's a good thing. This seems incredibly out of character for Shining, considering his single most important character trait has always been his love for Cadance and his relationship with her, for him to just decide almost overnight that he thinks her being stolen from him by Bean and them never getting to be married and together is now a good thing.
Can I ask why the ponies in this story seem so bent on appeasing Bean always and Shining getting ntr'd just is basically flat out ignored or made a joke?
Also I kinda find it selfish of Bean that he just keeps making it all about him, self-pity. Shining is the one who's had his Mare stolen but Bean is so mopey that Shining, the Stallion who actually lost someone, is forced to console him and comfort him and compliment him while Bean just keeps talking about how hard he has things right to the face of the Stallion who's Mare he stole.
Is this going to be addressed at all? How insensitive Bean is to Shining?
Jesus eventually this mans gonna have a haram that could hold hooves and encircle the world twice.
Oh Bean… he’ll be sentenced to Death by Snu-Snu soon enough.
Whether he wants it or not. XD
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9844043
Let me offer just a few thoughts of mine, while not intending to be all high-and-mighty about them. Most likely, they'll only make things worse instead of better, but I'll offer them up all the same.
At some point in my life - but I have no idea when I heard it - I was introduced to the classical Greek subdivisions of love: Storge, or love of family; Philia, the love between friends, Eros, or romantic love, Xenia, or hospitality, and Agape, the selfless love mankind has for his fellow human, or the love that exists regardless of changing circumstances. (This is typically what the virtue of Charity espouses - when you love somebody without expecting anything in return.)
Why does this matter? As the Princess of Love, Cadence embodies all of the concepts, just like Twilight is the embodiment of Friendship. In my mind, Cadence can have Eros love for Shining Armor, Storge love for Celestia and both Xenia and Agape love for Bean all at the same time. Look at how Shining phrases his statement:
“She cares for all ponies, like they [are] her own brothers and sisters.”
Cadence wouldn’t send out search parties just for Bean. She’d do it for anypony. That fact does not mean that she loves Shining any less, because they’re separate parts of the same thing.
And as for Cadence happily accepting her marriage to Bean, I would point out this statement back in chapter 3: “Mister Bean, you can be assured that I am not without feeling in this matter. I am dumbfounded, disappointed, dismayed, and angry, but experience tells me that lashing out with those emotions will accomplish nothing. Despite my pains, I am choosing to act prudently in this matter, so that the future will be as good as it can be.”
And from Chapter 4: Cadence snorted. “I hate this. I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do, and I have to pretend I’m happy about the situation on top of it.”
That doesn’t sound very happy to me, nor is it very accepting. Cadence hasn’t shown any Eros towards Bean in the story. Her feelings regarding him are wholly in the Agape and Xenia categories.
“Shiny, even if there really is no way out, you need to know that Baked Bean will never be able to take your place in my heart, not in a thousand years. He might be my husband on a technicality, but you are the one who has my affections. That is something no convoluted law will ever be able to take away from me, or from you.”
“Even if he brings you chocolate-dipped roses?” Shining asked.
“He could bring me every food under the sun and moon, and it will never be enough.” Cadence kissed his cheek, then tickled the hairs of his ear with her whispered words. “My every thought shall be of you and you alone, Lieutenant Armor. You are the only one who could ever satisfy the hunger which burns inside me.”
The passionate kiss she planted on his lips burned away any lingering doubts the young guard might have held, and it took him a moment to remember how to breathe after she finally released him from her thrall.
“I will see you later, Shiny,” Cadence added with a teasing flick of her tail. The stoic guard did not respond to this, or to her slow wink when she reached the next hallway, but a smile began to appear when he caught the last kiss that she blew him.
He held that kiss in his hooves for several long moments. He studied it carefully, evaluated it with all of the intensity that his younger sister gave to any of her research projects. He wanted to understand it fully, to know every nuance, every line, every detail that it contained.
His smile grew as he saw all of Cadence’s love for him contained in that kiss, and he gently pressed it to his own lips with a stuttering gasp of delight. There was no possible way to refute her words to him; and he knew that she would not let him go for all of the treasure in all the world. He was hers, and she was his. No ancient law or Baked Bean would ever be able to change that, not in a hundred thousand years of trying.
With that happy thought and a fresh surge of determination to show his Cady how much he loved her, he marched himself to the barracks to begin his day.
These are not the kind of statements one makes when they refer to someone who means very little to them. Cadence’s love for Shining didn’t just end as soon as the law was invoked, and she's going to stay with him no matter what.
What good does it do for Shining to fixate on his problems? He can’t do anything to fix them at the moment, so why not take care of his duties for now until something changes that allows him to make a difference?
And when did Shining say he could never be happy again? Yes, he’s not married to Cadence, but does that mean all joy is dead and gone? What has happened is unpleasant and unwanted, yes, but that doesn’t mean he can never be happy.
Cadence is a Princess of Equestria, and as such, I’m sure she was taught about the importance of the Rule of Law by Celestia during her younger years. Also, consider that ‘screwing the rules’ is what Discord did when he ruled Equestria, and that wasn’t pleasant for anypony. Cadence would probably not want to emulate Discord’s example.
Also consider what Celestia said to Shining in chapter 4:
“I will also do whatever I can to help you and my niece remain together. Your relationship… meets with Our approval, provided Luna and I can find some way to make it legal.”
Why say ‘screw the rules’ when Celestia and Luna are already trying to adapt them to the circumstances? Wouldn’t it be better to wait and see what comes from that?
I agree that I’ve probably gone a bit overboard with the self-pity part, so I’ll try to tone that back a bit.
But what has Shining Armor truly lost in this? He hasn’t truly lost Cadence: he still has her love, her devotion, and her affections. The only thing he lacks is the legal bindings that marriage brings. Everything else that you can find in a marriage, he has. He also still has his employment, he has his home, he has his friends, and he has everything else that he had before this whole mess started. In the end, he really hasn’t lost much of anything.
9846035
Then why is she not willing to fight for her marriage to Shining? I am somewhat confused by that. If she is the Princess of Love in all these forms, as you say, why does Eros come last? Why is she not willIng to reject pretending to be happy in a relationship and reject being forced against her will into a relationship and why does her Eros not motivate her to fight for Shining and to marry Shining? If love is so important to her, and she will do anything for it, why does she so easily and readily sacrifice her marriage to Shining?
Apologies, I should have been more clear, by happy I mean just that she will not fight it and has committed to explicitly pretending to enjoy it. She is willing to pretend to be happy about a forced relationship. Why? If she’s willing to do that why is she willing to sacrifice her marriage to Shining and just give up on it?
Then why does she give up and sacrifice her marriage to Shining? Why does she pretend to be happy to be married to Bean? Why does she not refuse to accept a relationship forced on her and fight to marry the Stallion she loves? Why must Shining alone be excluded and she’s alright with it enough at least to a point she’ll just accept it as her status quo?
9846035
Are you saying Shining hasn’t lost much? That desiring a mutually exclusive marriage with Cadance is just tiny, unimportant, detail he should just suck up and get over? That feels somewhat callous to me personally.
9846035
Because it's something that's deeply important to him, like, it's the single most important thing in his life, his love of cadence, his relationship with cadence, fulfilling it in a deep and mutually exclusive satisfactory way. I'd think his top priority at the moment would be trying to find ways to fix it and that he'd devote his attention to it since it is literally the love of his life and the future they want to start together. I think it's been two days since this happened, but I might be wrong on that front, so that seems like pretty hyper quick for him to just decide it's now good that cadence ended up married to Bean instead of him.
This I really don't get. So Cadence feels old laws of which she had no knowledge and which forced her into a marriage against her will are worth respecting? Surely Celestia would be a wise and compassionate enough Pony to have taught Cadence that just because something is a law doesn't inherently make it right or mean it has to be obeyed? That many laws are often immoral and enforced for bad reasons? Also does this mean that as a Princess of Love cadence would be against a relationship if it, say, was illegal for some technical reason but both parties truly, deeply, loved each other? Does the Princess of Love prioritize obedience to an archaic and freedom-stealing law over love itself?
"Screw the Rules" because why should Cadence and Shining not get to have the mutually exclusive relationship they want? Why is sacrificing her marriage to Shining something Cadence is willing to do but opposing an awful law isn't? I don't know, it feels like your base assumption here is sort of just that Cadence and Shining have no right to want a mutually exclusive marriage and that anyone who thinks that it's justifiable to be upset about that are silly.
He's lost the ability to satisfy the emotional needs and desires and dreams he has to create a mutually exclusive, universally recognized, important emotional and cultural touchstone for Cadence and himself. You might as well ask 'why do people get married'? It is important to people, based on the show it's important to Shining and cadence as well, so dismissing it as just some sorta thing that should get tossed aside is just weird to me.
He doesn't have everything you'd have in a marriage. He doesn't have the exclusive right to call Cadence his wife. Bean does. Heck Cadence can't even call Shining her husband, she can only call Bean that. His kids with Cadence now won't be recognized as her kids, they'll be bastards or I guess naturalized as Bean's kids. Not to mention he also has to deal with the fact that Luna's pushing Bean to have sex with Cadence. Pretty sure that in a marriage other people don't do that.
Blegh. Sorry I got a bit heated here at this last bit but, honestly, attempting to spin this as 'Shining's actually not lost anything, if anything it's better now,' just leaves an absolutely vile taste in my mouth. I just sorta don't see how you can actually think that.
9844043
Bean says that because a large part of his character early on in these stories is that he lacks any confidence, always assumes he’s ruining everything and thinks everyone hates him. Guy is a bit of a wet blanket. He usually gets better as he learns more about himself and his world.
9844198
"Due to an ancient law Baked Bean is now the husband of every Mare in Equestria!" Luna, Celestia and Cadance decide he's to much Stallion for them alone, it'd be a crime to deny the rest of Marekind the gift that is Baked Bean! So they institute the National Equestrian Baked Bean Harem Act!
9847061
I should do that and just save a lot of time and trouble, no?
9847070
Yes, you should!
Also, oh? That a 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge'? Am I on to something then?
9847070
Baked Bean worldwide harem when? The people have spoken!
9839518
Question: Any idea as to how long till the next chapter comes out?