2 - A Broken Past
Raindrops tapped against the massive, industrial window of Sunset's room. The rhythm giving the gloomy surroundings a slow, depressing cadence. The usual warmth radiating through the glass seemed almost intentionally absent, leaving Sunset desperately curled up in her own blankets to try to fight the cold. Her eyes stung with the chill of fresh tears and fatigue, and the maelstrom of electronics and papers laid out on her mattress didn't help matters. She glanced at her alarm—sixteen hours, twelve minutes, and forty-six seconds ago she heard Wallflower say those words, and not a second of it was spent asleep.
A whine of frustration left Sunset's lips as her phone buzzed again. She pulled her blanket over her head, wishing the world forgot she existed. The fabric pulled at the uncomfortable creases of the clothes she hadn't taken off since school yesterday, amplifying the excruciating atmosphere.
Just as quickly as she was enveloped in darkness, Sunset yanked the blanket away. In the dark she was trapped with her own thoughts. The painful and constant reminder of reality. He's dead because of you. Sunset gritted her teeth and closed her eyes. Another mistake. You might as well have murdered him yourself. All she could do was fall forward into her mess and let out another pathetic whimper.
Her stomach growled up at her in frustration, but she just rolled over knowing she wouldn't keep anything down. Her eyes opened to the dim glow of her laptop. An endless expanse of tabs were open like a litany of useless books thrown about a library. Her hand reached out to the trackpad thinking that maybe this time she'd find some kind of answer. She closed her eyes thinking of a direction that might help her. Psychology? Sociology? The paranormal? All tried, all failed. Her hand fell flat against the plastic as tears welled up in her eyes again.
Her eyes flicked up to the open profile on the screen. A gentle nerdy smile looked back at her. A smile no one would ever see again... because of her. Through her tears, she reviewed the information. Every last profile or word he'd ever posted on anything was at the forefront of her mind. All her old tactics dug up the things she never cared to find before: hobbies, interests, dislikes, all the things he could never say to the world again. Sunset could write a biography on everything she'd found on Soloman, not that it'd ever bring him back.
The rest of the tabs tempted her back into them again. Dozens of articles, forum posts, random rants, an endless series of desperate questions thrown into the void on how to deal with this, how to fix this, how to do anything but feel helpless in the pool of her own self-hatred. She clicked through a few, hoping solace from her storm lay in misread or overlooked lines, but there was only more frustration instead. Sunset grabbed a nearby pillow and plunged her head back into the darkness to let out a wounded, ragged scream into her sheets.
The harsh pitch of her doorbell resounding through her apartment cut her scream short. Sunset jerked upright in her sheets and let the pillow slide down her back as she stared at her front door. An uneasy grimace crossed her face as she looked down to her wrinkled, stretched-out clothes, her ink-stained and tired hands from her sleepless night of typing and writing, and she didn't even want to think about what her face looked like—an endless stream of smeared mascara and puffy eyes if she had to guess. Sunset slipped back down onto her mattress and pulled her blanket over her head, hoping her would-be intruder would just leave her be.
A second round of rings pierced her tired ears. Didn't look like they were giving up any time soon as a round of gentle knocking on the wood followed. Sunset let out a pained whimper into her sheets and held the cloth even tighter around her head. "Please, just go away..." she whispered to herself.
"Sunset?" she heard Twilight's voice timidly call out. "Sunset, are you here? You never texted me back last night. Is everything alright?" the concern in Twilight's voice cut into her core. She definitely heard her scream.
A nervous lump formed in Sunset's stomach; her best friend wasn't going to leave her alone without some confirmation she was okay. Sunset reluctantly let the blanket slip off of her head and let out a pathetic whimper as the nervousness in her gut grew. Reality tipped her ever closer to panic as she made her way down the stairs. Sunset cleared her throat as best as she could, then slumped down against her door, hoping the act might keep the world away. "I'm... I'm good, Twi. Nothing to worry about," she lied. She winced as the shakiness in her own voice betrayed her.
"I know that's not true, Sunset."
Sunset almost smiled. No getting anything past her. She gripped her face in her blanket-covered hands. Maybe she could wipe some of the evidence off. The thought of having to explain anything to anyone right now seemed a fate worse than death to Sunset. Showing the world this evidence was an unbearable thought. Everything she worked for crumbled in her mind and the person she thought she was faded from existence. Who could ever be friends with... this? She mentally asked herself as she reviewed her own broken self.
"Please just talk to me. I'm here for you, okay?"
Sunset's gut twisted with guilt. False promises of support she'd made thrown in her face. She'd do it for Twilight any day, but now? It made Sunset sick thinking of getting anything that might help her. What monster deserves that?
"Please don't shut me out."
One last painful pang. This wasn't going away. Even if she pretended not to hear the cavalry was coming eventually. With a heavy sigh, Sunset scooted over and reached up to open the door. Twilight took a timid step inside, expecting to meet her friend's gaze but instead had to search the room until she found the pathetic heap leaning against the wall. Sunset couldn't bear to look her in the eye. She turned her head away but there was too much evidence to deny anything any longer.
"Sunset! What's wrong?" the worry in her voice was amplified exponentially once she saw her. Twilight fell to her knees to embrace Sunset, to try to look her in the eye to look for the problem, but Sunset turned away. She curled up as hard as she could to avoid her friend's gaze as the tears welled up in her eyes. All she could feel was shame for getting any modicum of care from a friend she didn't deserve.
"We—we can fix this, okay? Whatever it is, it's going to be okay, you hear me?" Twilight said, her determined grip on Sunset's shoulders. Sunset barely choked back a sob as the words registered. She hugged herself and hid the streaming tears behind her hair, but Twilight wasn't having it. "Tell me what happened, okay? Whatever's going on I'm here to help."
Sunset couldn't hold it back any longer. A curious hand brushed her hair out of her face and for a moment she caught Twilight's caring gaze. The first sob hit her like a punch into the gut. It gripped her like dry heaves as the pain overcame her. Twilight's eyes went wide at the sight, flicking from side to side wondering what she should do. She eventually settled on holding Sunset close.
Timid questions occasionally prodded Sunset as she let it out. The searing pain in her stomach from the exertion made sure she couldn't even speak. Twilight kept trying until eventually she gave in, and the pair sat there on the floor until Sunset was nothing but a fatigued shell of a person, barely able to even keep her eyes open.
"I'll get you some tea, okay?" Sunset couldn't help but nod as she got up. She wanted to keep going, keep crying until the muscles in her stomach ruptured and her lungs collapsed, until breathing was a thing of the past, but she was too tired to even frown any longer.
Sunset looked over her shoulder at her friend. Shame coursed through her like an icy chill on a snow day she wasn't prepared for. She'd never let anyone see her like this, she can't even remember a time when she cried this hard. The respect she knew she just lost stung, but she let her head rest back onto her knees knowing she no longer deserved it anyway.
Twilight tiptoed over Sunset's mess and put a cup down on her coffee table. She walked back over and extended a hand and a warm smile down to Sunset. "Let's go over to the couch, okay?"
Sunset took her hand, barely registering the movement of her own body. Once she'd fallen into the couch, her eyes fixated on a floor tile and refused to move as the exhaustion set in.
"I know it seems bad now, but things are going to get better, okay? Can you tell me what happened? Did he not like you?"
A few more stinging tears welled up. How was she supposed to talk about this? Tell anyone what she'd done?
"I see you did some... uh... digging, last night," Twilight said as she gazed around the room and saw the mess of papers laying about on her couch and her bed. "Even if it didn't go so well, I think most people would probably be happy someone would go to these kinds of lengths for them?" Twilight said, uncertainty in her own voice as her expression shifted to concern at the mess.
A frustrated sigh left Twilight's lips. "Look, I know you want to make it up to everyone, but it's okay if it doesn't always work out, you know? You've got friends... and the entire school, you know? It's only one guy. Life goes on."
Sunset winced at those words. She shook her head at Twilight and closed her eyes tightly. "That's not it..." she finally let out in a meek voice.
"Wait, it went well? Why would you—"
"I made him kill himself!" Sunset finally shouted. With one swift motion, she rose out of her seat and overcame her fatigue in anger. "Everything I did to him. Everything he lost. He killed himself because of what I did!"
"W-what?" Twilight's voice was filled with shaky trepidation. The split second of terror Sunset saw in her face made her turn away.
Sunset took in a trembling breath, still keeping her eyes closed. "I made him lose all his friends, I made the whole school hate him just for crossing me. He's dead and it's my fault!" she said, her voice breaking on the last word.
"W-well, you don't know if it was really because of you. It could have just been a really bad day, or maybe he had some mental illness, or--"
Sunset shot a glare over at Twilight. Sunset didn't need to say anything. They both knew how she used to be. "Okay, so maybe that's not it. But there's nothing you can do now, Sunset. None of this will fix it," Twilight said, waving across the coffee table again.
Sunset's anger faded into helplessness as she desperately met her friends gaze like a fawn looking to its mother before being taken by wolves. "Then what will?"
Twilight opened her mouth, before blinking and look away in disappointment. "I... I don't know."
Sunset collapsed to her knees and gripped her head tightly as the horrifying frustration of it all gripped her again. "What am I supposed to do?" she barely choked out.
------
The warm embrace finally let it all flow out. Sunset let out a messy, uncomfortable sob onto Twilight's shirt as her friend caringly caressed her head. All the pain and misery of her sleepless night ran through her body as reality chipped away at everything she'd been working for. Every solution on her desk, every tab of answers she had open, every single thing she could think of to fix this was meaningless. All her work that she'd put in to be a better person, every new friend she made amends with, it all felt so meaningless in comparison to the gravestone of her own doing. Sunset grabbed Twilight as hard as she could to try to hold onto the life she had before she knew, but just like her waning energy, she could feel it all slipping away in her grasp.
Time became meaningless as Sunset struggled with the blood on her hands. She held on for as long as she could, but finally after what seemed like hours she had to give in. Sunset couldn't cry anymore and it felt like she was going to pass out right there in Twilight's arms. She took in a few shaky breaths and leaned up to look at her friend’s completely soaked shirt.
"Sorry," she said in a weak, trembling tone.
Twilight looked like she was almost scared to take her hands off her friend. She gave Sunset a caring smile. "I promise, Sunset, I don't mind at all. Do you feel better now?"
Sunset gave a weak shake of her head. "How am I supposed to fix this?"
It was Twilight's turn to be at a loss for words now. She opened her mouth a few times, but nothing could materialize. She finally looked up at her friend with apprehension. "I... I don't know."
Sunset winced again. She didn't know what she expected to hear, but that definitely wasn't what she wanted. "I can make it up to anyone else. I could buy them gifts, spend time with them, throw them a party... just to show them that they matter to me, that the person I used to be doesn’t exist anymore. That they aren't who the old me said they were. But now? I can't handle this, Twilight. I killed him and there's no way to fix it," Sunset said, curling up again and gripping the sides of her head.
"Sunset, you can't blame yourself." Sunset looked up and gave Twilight another teary glare. "Well, I mean, you've changed! I'm sure if he was still around, you could have made it up to him."
"Well, he's not. He's dead, Twi. And... and it'll be that way forever. I can't take this one back," Sunset said, looking down at the floor. Thinking about it was one thing, but actually having to say it out loud? It hurt so much more. It made it even more real. Saying it only hammered home the reality she could never change. If she had any energy to, she would've let the tears flow yet again.
Twilight couldn't help but adopt a frown. "Please, don't do this to yourself. Do you want to go out for ice cream? Maybe I could get the girls together and we could--"
Sunset let out a sigh and glanced at the carton filled with the melted treat on the floor. Twilight followed her gaze and let out a frustrated grunt. "Well, there's got to be something that'll cheer you up. We could--"
"Don't you get it? I got someone killed. I'm the reason they're dead. I don't want to be cheered up, I want to fix this! I need to fix this, Twilight. I can't just--" Sunset closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to not get too worked up about it. She let out another sigh. "Sorry, I just..."
"I... I don't think there's anything else you can do."
Sunset clenched her fists and grimaced again. "That's what I'm afraid of..."
Twilight pursed her lips for a moment. "I... I don't know how to deal with this. I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I know how strong you are. I've seen you go through so much, and I'll be here to help you through this too."
Sunset gave her friend a weak smile. She knew this little fact would have to settle in the minds of all her friends, but at least Twilight could tell her she'd still be here. She breathed a sigh of relief, but was quickly filled with dread once she realized she'd have to go through this at least five more times.
The two of them sat in silence together for a while, letting the gravity of everything set in.
"You know, you could visit his grave with Wallflower and leave him something. I know they can't really hear you, but I do it at my grandpa's sometimes and it makes me feel better," Twilight said.
"That's--" Sunset paused for a moment. Finishing with 'not going to help anything' wasn't going to make either of them feel better. "Well, that's not a bad idea actually."
Sunset pulled out her phone to give Wallflower a quick text. Her fingers felt weak as they traced across the screen, and the idea wouldn't make things right, but she had to try something. Her desperation was written all over the papers on her table, and Sunset knew she couldn't take any more of this.
"Do you want me to leave?" Twilight asked. "If you need some time alone to think about it."
"I... I think I could use the company right now."
"Well, good. Wouldn't want you drawing any pentagrams and lighting candles once I'm gone," Twilight said, gesturing over to the seance search on the computer.
Sunset cheeks burned in embarrassment. She let out a weak laugh before closing her computer. "Let's just keep that between us."
The two girls smiled at each other, but the relief for Sunset was short-lived. Dread was already filling her mind. If she couldn't fix this, how was she supposed to make it up to anyone? Maybe Twilight could forgive her, but how many wouldn't? How could she forgive herself? All the questions weighed heavy on her heart.
For now she could find solace in her best friend's presence, but deep down she knew the worst of this journey hadn't even started yet.
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You accidentally the apostrophe.
This looks super promising. I'm really excited to see where it goes!
I'll track this.
Truly good SadSunny fics are notoriously difficult to find, what with the putrid sea of Anon-a-Miss revengeporn and forced drama/shipping fics. This is already on my shortlist for concept alone, and it only helps that the emotions are realistic and carefully written.
I'm really enjoying this so far, and I'll be excited to see where you take the story next.
Great start here
This is good. How does she make up for something she can’t reverse?
9456386
You're forgetting that time travel is possible in this universe.
Omg I love this! It's so sad :(
Can't wait to see what happens next! Tracking :)
Never forget, always forgive. If all fails, seek retribution, seek sanctuary in yourself, but believe that change will bring a better future.
You write some of my fav Sunny stories, so I'm hyped to see where you take this. It's a very intense topic, and it takes some bravery to approach it.
9456655
A topic I'm unfortunately too familiar with. Hope I can do it justice, anyway.
9456762
Don't worry, after 3 years from my last attempt, I've actually have become better, stronger and happier.
Oh shit. You know a friend of mine killed himself once, but he got better. All joking aside, he faked his death for about a month, slowly causing a divide between him and his only other friend before I forced them to sit down and fix it all. I believe he was planning on suicide that night, as his wife miscarried, and he thought he lost one of his two friends in the same week. But that personal shit aside, well done. I've never had someone close to me die before, much less kill themselves, but I kind of know how it feels, I think. I remember still being in denial when I stumbled into the truth that he wasn't dead. Sorry, off topic again. I hope to see this go on.
This has really touched base with the most valid aspect of our reality.
We would often take life for granted. We're often too blinded by our own lives we scarcely take the time to look at the lives of others, and see how they're being affected. We'd often make mistakes, lost connections with our friends, live alone, etc. But by the time we realized what we've been missing, it's too late to get that time back.
It's like having two doors in front of you. Each doors represents the decisions you make that can take you to your future. Once you pass through one door, then you can never turn back.
So I can kinda see the conundrum and despair Sunset is going through now. He's dead. Because of her. And nothing will ever bring him back, no matter how much she wanted to take back her action. But the least she can do is tell the truth to the whole world.
Jesus Christ.... I'm scare to imagine, If Sunset tries to find his parents for forgiveness....
Perhaps Sunset could go to Equestria and find his Pony counterpart there? I know and she'd know that it isn't technically the same person but it could be the closest thing she'd get to real closure about it.
I can't say I know anything about the subject matter. The closest I've come is an older brother who tried to commit suicide (thankfully unsuccessfully) but he's good now. That said, Sunset's anguish does seem appropriate enough for having discovered that she is responsible for something she can't make up for.
Interested to see how this progresses.
9457126
Even worse. People who have their names cleared can still be haunted for years by these accusations. Read about Fatty Arbuckle.
Which begs the question: does this sordid act, and its tragic result, undo all the good Sunset has done for people?
9456408
Unfortunately, you're right.
I am not sassing you, by the way. I just really hate poorly developed time travel in fiction as for precisely the reason you mentioned, especially one so accessible. It just killed drama imo.
Sorry for the derail. Really poignant stuff you did, author. Keep up the good work!
9457414: No, it does not. As horrible an event as a man taking his own life is, he is still only one man. Sunset Shimmer has helped so many more, literally saving the lives of hundreds of people, both innocent and guilty, at certain points in her story, be it from magical threats or otherwise; the sheer amount of good she has done has redeemed her past sins long ago.
Besides, if she is to be damned for this one tragedy, then we all are to be as well: we've all done terrible things to others at some point in our lives; maybe not as bad as this, but something bad all the same. Something driven by selfishness or emotion that has hurt others and affected their lives in some way, be it mere words or outright attacks. It's all too easy to point at others and call out their actions, all the while ignoring the taint of sin on our own hands; for anyone to insist that they have never done anything wrong to someone else is to outright lie to everyone's faces. So to call Sunset out on hurting others is hypocrisy.
All this being said, and as tragic as it is, Sunset is not responsible for Soloman's choice. Yes, she destroyed his life and forced him into suffering, and it's very respectable of her to feel shame and try to find a way to fix this, but she didn't force him to kill himself: he was the one who made that final decision to take his own life, not her. She may have been the one to start him down that emotional path, but at the end of the day, only we are responsible for what we decide to do.
sunkstat hammer do a kill somebody they are themself??This is actually really good. Looking forward to more! :)
I'm sorry to point this out but as an occultist, I think you meant an occult member
occultists and cultists are 2 completely different things
9457515
Logicism..... I see many quote from such a philosophy but I also see that many ignore the very first point stated in every book, quote, point, idea on said methodology, the human mind in itself cannot be logical so long as it holds emotion.
One of the interesting consistencies in the character of Sunset tends to be that, while she almost always ends up good in the end, she generally remains a very self-centered person, even a selfish one.
Nothing wrong with that, though it can cause its own difficulties (such as with Wallflower Blush in Forgotten Friendship). Interesting heroes have flaws.
Thus far in this tale, it seems to me that her concerns have been mostly about her feeling better about her past, her being forgiven, making people see that she’s different...
...and then she hit this.
Ouch.
As I said, every interesting hero has their flaws, and Sunset is certainly no exception. I look forward to seeing how you have her deal with actions that can’t be amended. She’ll be hard pressed not to succumb to true self-hatred... but fortunately, she has some excellent friends.
Now that's good. I'd prefer moe exposition first though.
This is nothing abusing the laws of space and time can't fix.
1) Cross over to Equestria.
2) Get Starlight Glimmer to teach you the long distance time travel spell, or duplicate her work.
3) Jump back in time to the previous mirror opening, or use a page from Twilight's/Celestia's version of the message journal to create a charm that will open it temporarilly.
4) Go through to Canterlot High, find her younger self and convince her not to target Soloman by whatever means necessary.
5) Profit!
9460317
And immediately create a paradox. By going back in time and successfully convincing herself to not target him, she removes her own motivation for going back in time, so she ends up not going back in time and the guy ends up targeted again, resulting in her going back in time and causing herself to not go back in time etc.
It's never a good idea to mess with the time stream without a huge degree of planning.
9462393
Assuming that the time stream doesn't reconcile the paradox by simply splitting the stream at that diverging paradox point. But this is getting into some metareality nonsense.
9457515
While I don't disagree with your whole comment and the sentiments in it, this one really sticks out as a flaw. The level that Sunset went to and the direct connection/correlation of her actions is what tears Sunny apart here. Twilight does bring up the valid point of other factors coming into play, and as of this chapter the full story isn't known. That doesn't change that Sunset went beyond Mean Girls-type nastiness and stealing magic crowns. A good parallel would be if someone committed a violent crime (and I mean something especially vile, rape-and-murder types of deeds) but otherwise lived an idealistic life and was known for charity and doing good in their nature. It doesn't change that the person has done something so despicable, nor does their good outweigh it. While Sunset's case of potentially (again, as of this chapter, we can't say for sure) influencing a suicide is different, claiming that anything, no matter how awful, could be forgiven by some sort of Community Service Rule is pretty appalling. It's also worth noting that many very vile people will live otherwise low-key lives before committing sprees of crime. The types who set off bombs and general domestic/lone terrorists are good examples.
What I like about this is sunset actually tells someone what’s bothering her, in most of the fanfics I’ve read she would keep it to herself, making things worse.
Dam this chapter is--well how do I describe it? Painful? Angst? Sad? Beautiful?
Sunset's angst and Twilight comforting her is so painful yet amazing. You are really great and writing Sunset's reaction. This is just--wow yeah wow. Its rare for me to find a chapter of reaction to suicide so--real and painfully great.
This is just greatness
9456386
You don't you live with it for the rest of your days.